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If ONDAY, June 22nd. Parliamentary swearing causes a great deal of 
iVX trouble. Lord Stratheden wishes to alter the Oath-law, which 
has as yet been modified (in favour of the Hebrews), by resolution only. 
His Bill was read, but is not to be proceeded with this year. The proud 
yet prudent Peers properly passed the provision for pressing priests on 
Popish prisoners. 

Mr. Cowper said that the New Palace at Westminster had not yet 
fallen into the Thames, but that sufficient time had not elapsed for dis- 
covering whether Mr. Szerelmey's application would continue to pre- 
serve the stone. Colonel Crawley is recalled, to be tried by Court 
Martial in this country. 

Russia has sufficient grace left to hasten to declare that Mouravieff 
(who is not the brave soldier of Kars) has not yet issued au order for 
the knouting of Polish ladies, but our Government has information 
confirmatory of the accounts of other brutalities. 

To-night there was to have been a grand Polish debate, and Mr. 
Pope Hennessy, who is all for freedom and humanity when the victim 
is a Catholic, was charged with an oration. Lord Palmerston, 
according to promise, moved the orders of the day out of the honourable 
Pope's way, when private Members suddenly interfered, and Mr. 
Beaumont, Mr. Kinglake, and Lord Enfield desired him to be 
silent. And the House, dividing, decided by 165 to 110 that he should 
hold his tongue, as it was inexpedient to raise such a debate in the 
present state of negotiations. Then did Horsman rage, and Robert 
Cecil epigrammatise, and Mr. Coningham make irreverent allusion 
to the readiness of Ministers to discuss a Court Job at Kensington, 
though they avoided important questions. Other men clamoured, but 
the Premier, rising, declared that the decision of the House had 
astonished him as much as anybody, that he had seen no objection to 
debate, though addresses on the Polish question, might, if carried, have 
stopped negotiation, but that he would reveal to the House what the 
Powers had recommended Russia to grant ; namely — 

1. A general and complete Amnesty. 

2. National Representation under the Treaty of Vienna. 

3. A satisfactory Polish administration, and the placing Poles alone 

in public offices. 

4. Pull Liberty of Conscience. 

5. Use of the Polish language in public transactions, and education. 

6. A regular and fair system of recruiting, unlike Conscription. 

The Powers have also recommended a cessation of hostilities. On the 
subject of cruelties the Viscount said that the Russians were very bar- 
barous, but that reprisals were committed. Mr. Disraeli, of course, 
did not think that the debate had been stopped without Government 
sanction. He did not see how hostilities were to be ended, while the 
Russian Government had no communication with the insurrectionists, 
and lie saw only two alternatives, Russian Unity or Polish Independ- 
ence. After further discussion it was arranged that no more should be 
said until we have the reply of Russia. 

The South side of the Thames is to be embanked, legislation on the 
subject proceeds, and as you would like, Mrs. Bull, to know how 
beautifully the Men of Business mind your business, we would just 
mention that in the clause empowering the Board of Works to borrow 
money, the figures inserted were £700,000. Mr. Cox thought this too 
much, and Mr. Cowper said, O yes, the figures must have been 
inserted by mistake, and he would alter them to £481,000. What do 
you think of that trifling error, M'ni ? 

Tuesday. Orders have been sent to the Ionian Isles that their present 
Parliament be dissolved, and a new one be convoked, before which is 
to be laid the proposal to hand them over to Grecian George. 

The West Hartlepool Harbour Directors seem to have been acting 
with splendid unlawfulness, and laying hold of millions of money. 
The Thunderbolts of the Law, launched by the Government, are to 

descend upon the wicked if technicalities will permit. More Men 

of Business, and Business in excelsis. 

There are also women of business whose arrangements must be looked 
into. Public indignation has been excited by the accounts of the death 
of Mary Anne Walkley, a girl employed by Madame Elise, of 
Regent Street, wife of one Isaacson, and a notorious dressmaker. 
" Long hours in an overcrowded room and sleeping in an ill-ventilated 
bedroom," said Sir George Grey, " caused the young girl's death." 
What is to be done ? Lord Shaftesbury in the Lords, and Mr. 
Bagwell in the Commons, called attention to the system under which 
such girls are killed ; and the man Isaacson, who seems to fill a similar 
office to that of Mr. Mantalini, and who writes English of which that 
gent would be proud, issued a letter full of impertinence and bad 
grammar, in defence of Mrs. Isaacson's place. Thereupon the parish 
requested other testimony, and Dr. Lankester examined the premises, 
and found the dormitories rather better and the work-room rather 
worse than had been expected. 


[July 4, 1863. 

An Irish debate in the Commons. The old nonsense about Tenant- 
right, met by the old sense about Communistic doctrines, and the real 
opinion of the House tested by the division, which showed 12S to 49. 

Wednesday. The Dissenting army, under General Bouverie, once 
more retires, for strategical reasons. The Confederate Universities 
have repulsed the attack upon the fellow-ships. Ma. Hadfleld is 
much wounded. Mr. Goschen, the new Member for London, came 
under fire for the first time, and behaved well. 

If, contrary to orders, a servant takes oats out of his master's bin, 
and gives them to his master's horses, the servant is by law a felon. 
Mr. Staniland, finding it difficult to get convictions in this state of the 
law, proposes to let the evil servant off with three mouths' imprison- 
ment for slight offences. This is a wise mitigation. But if a servant 
takes Madeira out of his master's bin, and gives it to himself, and it is 
such Madeira as Mr. Punch keeps in the deep solitudes and awful cells 
under 85, Fleet Street, (only nobody else can get such,) we incline to 
think that the offence should be High Treason. 

The Board of Admiralty is not to be inquired into this year. Threat- 
ened Boards job long. 

Another muddling meddling attempt to arrange the Hampstead 
Heath question was defeated. But something ought to be done, for 
the next Sir Thomas Wilson "whose Christian name is John" will 
be able to enclose the Heath in spite of you all. See here. London 
has clearly a beneficial interest in the life of Sir Thomas, why not 
assure his life for a vast sum, and therewith buy the Heath of his 
successor ? Lord Chelmsford, next night, introduced into a Ileal 
Property Bill, now before the Lords, the clause which has so often been 
tried in favour of Sir Thomas, and this will be duly excised by 1 he 
House of Commons. Look out, Lord Enfield— it is fit.that Enfield 
i Chase should protect Hampstead Heath. 

| Thursday. The Lords removed from the Volunteers' Bill the power 
I of taking sites. Do their Lordships think the practice vulgar? 

The poor dress-making girl's case, came up again, and Mr. Bagwell 
wished that Madame Isaacson-Elise and her delightful husband 
I should be prosecuted for cruelty. Sir George Grey was not in a 
j position to say whether the facts were likely to obtain a conviction. 
He would inquire. The ventilation of the subject will at least improve 
the ventilation of other work-rooms beside those of Madame Elise- 

There was discussion on the other painful case— that of Lilley, and 
some Members urged the great expense of holding the Court Martial 
here, while others thought it an insult to the Indian army to suppose that 
the trial of Colonel Crawley woidd not be fairly conducted in India. 
Mr. Cavendish Bentinck objects to the sixpence charged at St. 
Paul's for showing the Wellington Car. Mr. Cowper said that the 
charge was for taking care of visitors to the dark crypt. Mr. Osborne 
jested at the car, and recommended Mr. Cowper to increase the 
attractions of the crypt by playing a hurdy-gurdy there. But the 
answer to taunts at many foolish things is, that they are harmless, and 
that harmless people are interested by them. The whole world is not 
composed of gentlemen of faultless manners, patrician polish, and 
exquisitely refined taste, like Mr. Bernal Osborne. 

Money votes followed, with the usual girds at the National Gallery 
pictures, and those in the Portrait Gallery. Sir P. Baring is shocked 
that the gallant, Captain WiLMoT-should have visited a Sovereign like 
the King of Dahomey, who daily murders his subjects. Will Sir 
Erancis move that our Ambassador be recalled from St. Petersburg? 
Tne House gave leave to borrow a Million and a fifth of a Million in aid 
of Lancashire. The Tories to-day won Lisburn by a large majority. 

Friday. Lord Shaftesbury walked into Bedlam— we don't mean 
physically, but in the way of showing up the wretched mismanagement 
ot a noble charity. Returns were ordered, and the managers of the 

" Where Cibber's brazen, brainless, brothers stand," 

had better set their house in order. Lord Russell said that he had 
not changed his opinion as to recognition of the Southern States. If the 
invasion by Lee prove successful, the next thing will be President 
Davis's demand not only that we recognise the South, but " cut " the 

The Commons had a long Scotch debate about the woman 
M'Lachlan. The Lord Advocate said that the upper classes in 
Scotland had been against her and the lower classes for her, and 
that immediately on the reprieve the storm had shifted. Some 
well-put comparisons of English and Scotch jurisprudence made the 
debate not altogether uninstructive. The character of the Church of 
Ireland, and its efficacy as a spiritual teacher and a missionary, then 
came on, and as thwubject is one of a comic nature, it was appropriately 
taken up by Mr. Bernal Osborne, who excited roars of laughter. 
Mr. Cardwell thought the matter should be treated more seriously, 
but he has old-fashioned notions. The debate was adjourned, but we 
suppose that it will end in the referring this Church subject to a Select 
Committee, consisting of Loud Dundreary, Mr. Paul Bedford, 
Mr. Bernal Osborne, Mr. Buckstone, and (by way of justice to 
Ireland) Mr. Toole. 



" What am I doing here, with my ribs so blank and bare," 
What business is it of yours, under corsage and berthe to stare? 
_ Vv hat am I doing here with my tibia and thighbone clean ? " 
Who are you dares push your question past the bounds of Crinoline ?j 

You don't mean to say the skull peeps out under wreaths of the rose 

Or that the rouge isn't thick enough to hide the sigmoid bone ? 
Have you no consideration — no proper feeling at all — 
To annoy people by reminding them that Death is at the ball ? 

It's true I wasn't invited, not, at least, in my own name ; 
But I must presume that Madame la Mort is welcome, all the same. 
And not at the Guards' Ball only, but wherever twinkling feet, 
Bright eyes, and glossy tresses, and brilliant toilettes meet. 

But nowhere so welcome as when with train, diamonds, lappets and 

I sweep past our Gracious Princess in the crowded drawing-room ; 
And none drops a gracefuller courtesy down to the crimson floor 
Than La Grande Maitresse des Robes de la Cour, Madame la Mort ! 

Entre nous, 'tis I who have more to do than most people are aware 
With these ravissantes toilettes that these charming creatures wear; 
There 's scarce a house of business, that a West End connection boasts, 
But Madam la Mort is there to keep the young ladies at their posts. 

I 'm at home in the crowded work-rooms, where my pupils their needles 

Let pulses throb and brains go round, so no fingers idle lie. 

I 'm at home in the up-stairs dormitory, where the sleep lies heavy as 

Snug— isn't it ?— each six feet of space with its' sleepers, two to a 


They come up from the country so gamesome, so fresh, and tull of glee ; 
At first sight of this pale face of mine they '11 have nothing to say to me. 
They 're not aware 'tis my place to sit among the young ladies still ; 
But the weaker ones soon draw to me ; they're very often ill. 

Some take to me so kindly— and lay their cheeks to mine, 
As a child its face to its mother's will lovingly incline : 
Some struggle hard to keep me at arm's length ; but in the end, 
They learn that, after all, I 'm their best and staunchest friend. 

Poor dears ! Where'er they enter while thus they work and sleep, 
To my house of business, after all, they 're but too glad to creep. 
So no wonder if I 'm privileged by my employers fair 
To visit the scenes which I furnish with these toilettes rich and rare. 

The old painters— excuse me for speaking of artists so rococo— 
Had a subject they used to call " La Danse Macabre " long ago; 
In which— like vawiens as they are, those artists— they made free, 
With all conditions of life, as, at last, being led away by me. 

I should like to suggest to our painters— (we 've some clever ones they 

A New Dance of Death, adapted to the fashions of the day ; 
On the oue side the House of Pleasure; scene, the ball-room; and 

next door, 
The House of Business ; and for scene, the Work-room of Madame 

La Mort. 

Too Frightful to Contemplate! 

We read that certain opticians have succeeded in making a & inch 
microscope object-glass, which magnifies 7,500 diameters, thus mag- 
nifying a given area 56,000,000 times. Eancy looking at the International 
Exhibition building through one of these glasses ! Imagine its ugliness 
being magnified 56,000,000 times ! What human eye could stand the 
fearful infliction ? We would not condemn even poor Captain Fowke 
himself to so terrible a punishment. However, there would be one 
comfort in the operation, it would be the first time, since its erection, 
that the building had ever been magnified. 


The other day a little street-boy made himself into what is known 
among the gamins of London as a Catherine wheel. A Policeman seeing 
the dangerous proceeding, took him up, and ultimately, to the great 
delight of a large crowd, let him off. 


Why ought not a person to be a heavy snorer ? 


Because it 's snorty. 

July 4, 1863.] 



his Picture repre- 
sents Mr. Punch as 
lie intended to ap- 
pear, _ enlightening 
the scientific world 
at the Geographical 
Society's meeting in 
honour of Captings 
Speke and Grant. 
That picture {vide 
end of this article), 
represents him as lie 
did appear under the 
circumstances here- 
inafter related. Look 
on this picture and 
on that. 

The other Monday 
night, as everybody 
knows, the Society 
met to receive the 
brave Speke and the 
bold Grant, the 
heroes of the Nile, 
on their return to 
England. Mr. Punch, 
though he had al- 
ready struck a Car- 
toon Medal in their 
honour, of purer gold than the medal very properly sent by King Victor, 
and though he had hymned their noble exploits in Pindarics of undying 
glory, had determined, for once, to go into that most ugly and uncomfort- 
able room at Burlington House, and add his shout to the applause of the 
geographers. Judina must have unguardedly mentioned this, and the con- 
sequence was, that the public began to assemble at the preposterous hour 
of 5, and when Mr. Punch's fiery horses dashed into the area at 8 30, the 
room was crammed, and the loveliest ladies in the world in white Bur- 
nands, Bernooses, what do you call 'em, were perched on the window 
cills, and on chairs, vainly trying to see into the chamber, while others, 
lovelier still, were wandering about the area, and scolding their natural 
protectors for not making them come sooner. The celebrities in that 
yard on that evening were as plentiful as the lack of Alderman Sid- 
ney's aitches, and the police, utterly bewildered, gave up anything like 
keeping guard, so that the public rushed into the sacred enclosure, 
chaffed the philosophers, and withdrew their handkerchiefs. The porter 
had enough to do to keep the windows from being broken, and could not 
even do that, for ever so many panes were smashed by an infuriated long 
young Irishman with a bald head, who revenged his being thrust down 
from the oil], and the detention of his hat, by demolishing the windows 
with a ladder, for which act Mr. Punch, and the ladies who were 
stifling inside, much praised the ardent youth. 

Mr. Punch lit a cigar, and walked about between a small Duke and a 
great Publisher, telling them where the Nile was, and soon, until it was 
announced to him that his friend, Sir Roderick Mtjrchison, had 
concluded an address. 

" Now, my noble friends, I shall go in," said Mr. Punch, and he 
rushed upon the people at the door, like the Armed Man in the Pilgrim's 
Progress. But, willing as they were to make way, it, was impossible. 

" At least tell us what you can see," said Mr. Punch to a gasping 
nobleman who was nearly in. 

" I see a black boy with a Persian cap on," said the gasping nobk- 

" Persicos odi, puer, apparatus," said Mr. Punch, to the joy and 
delight of the crowd. " Well, I will try elsewhere." 

He ran along under the windows, and white hands were held out to 
him, and soft voices and bright smiles invited him to climb. Half the 
aristocracy hurried to give him a back up, or a leg up, or anything that 
would aid him in mounting. 

" Let me exert my own energies," said the gallant Mr. Punch, with 
a good-natured smile. 

You will behold the result in the delineation opposite sketched on the 
spot by an artist whom he had expressly taken there at a vast expense 
of Cavendish. 

Finally he got in, and perching himself in mid air, like an intellectual 
Leotard, he heard the long applause which greeted the brave Captain 
Speke, and beheld that conqueror rise, and modestly prepare to narrate 
the achievements of himself and friend. 

" Bravo, Speke ! " roared Mr. Punch, nearly tumbling into the room, 
in his energetic demonstration. " Bravo, Grant ! " 
" Remove that person," said Sir Roderick Mtjrchison. 
" Bravo, Murchison ! " cried Mr. Punch, returning good for evil. 
" Bravo, black boy ! Bravo, everybody ! " 
" Will you be quiet?" said the Bishop op Oxford. 

" Bravo, Bishop ! " shouted Punch. " How 's Coi/enso ? " 

" I say, my dear Mr. Punch" said Mr. Layard. 

" Bravo, Under Secretary ! " bellowed Mr. Punch, like a Bull of 

" My dear friend," said Mr. Gladstone, " there are three courses 
open to you ; to stop and be silent, to go away, or to be removed by the 
police. Now I am free to confess " 

" Bravo ! Gladstone ! " exclaimed the irrepressible Mr. Punch. He 
would, in his enthusiasm for science, have gone on shouting until now, 
for the meeting was in convulsions, and a policeman, who respectfully 
approached from outside to lay hold of his leg, was met by one wink 
which sent him roaring into Piccadilly. 

At that moment there leaned towards Mr. Punch the youngest and 
loveliest of all the angelic beings who were presented to the Princess at 
the last Drawing-room. The exquisite being was perched on a happy 
chair, and her tiny right hand rested on the happier shoulder of her 

Papa, the Earl of what business is it of yours what Earl 

he is? 

" I wish, dear," she whispered, laying her fairy left hand on Mr. 
Punch's arm, " that you would let me hear Captain Speke." 

" Do you," said Mr. Punch, with that exquisite melting tenderness 
of tone which has broken so many hearts and mended 'em afterwards 
till they looked as good as new, and better. " I am dumb. Speke, 
speak. Cigar in the Albany afterwards, and bring Grant." 

" Lipopper sumerang boomerang dak jopps lobwhackee yowl tipsi- 
rainil'eros," said Captain Speke, which means in the Unyoro dialect, 
" I am far from delighted at being lionised in this fashion, but the 
thought of seeing you afterwards will keep me up to the mark, you old 

" Snagdol bokins wimpole bifudder," added Captain Grant, who is 
a man of few words. 

" Of course, both L.L., and poteen," replied Mr. Punch. " Go it, 
my Nilometers," he added, and with one glance of intense admiration 
at his lovely neighbour, he sprang, with a Professor Wilsonic leap over 
the heads of the circumambient peerage, and rushed away to his West 
End Chambers. 

By none, save the initiate, shall the other secrets of that glorious 
night be known. 


The Political "Uncommercial Traveller." 

It must be John Arthur Roebuck, Esq. He is always travelling. 
Only a short time ago, he was hobnobbing with the Emperor of 
Austria; it was but yesterday he was fraternising with the Emperor 
of the Erench, making moral bargains in the most profitable manner. 
We should not at all wonder if his next visit were to the President of 
the great American Republic, trying his utmost to persuade him to make 
terms of treaty with the South. His advent is apparently welcomed 
everywhere, and there is not a subject he touches but what he turns 
politically to profit. He is the most successful of all travellers, and 
seems to succeed best in difficult exploits, in which others have failed. 
We wish him "Bon Voyage" in every fresh journey he. heroically 


[July 4, 1863. 


Friend (to Novice at Salmon Fishing). " I say, Old Bor, mind how you Wade; 




There are no slaves in England, oh dear no, certainly not. It is true 

we make our milliners work fifteen hours a day, and twenty-four upon 

emergencies, but then of course you know their labour is quite voluntary. 

That is to say, the girls— we beg pardon, the "young ladies" who 

slave— we mean to say, who Iserve iu these establishments, are obliged, 

that is " expected," to do what is required of them, and this means, as 

we have said, to work for fifteen hours a day, and to work all day and 

night whenever press of business calls for it. This is the trade rule, 

which has but very few exceptions, and the slaves, that is apprentices, 

are "expected" to conform to it. But then of course you know there 's 

no compulsion in the matter. This is a free country, and the " ladies " 

who " assist "at our great millinery establishments of course are quite at 

liberty to leave off working when they like, only if they do so they must 

also leave their places. And as they most of them are orphans and have 

I no one to look after them, and see no likelihood elsewhere of getting 

, easier employment, they seldom find the courage to resort to this 

\ alternative, and so— quite willingly of course — they submit to being 

I worked to death, instead of being starved to it. 

| For, bless you, yes, our slaves— we should say, our young ladies, have 
the best of food provided them, and as far as mere good living goes 
; there 's no fear of their dying. Perhaps they don't get turtle soup and 
venison as a rule, but of wholesome beef and mutton they 've as much 
as they can eat, in fact a good deal more, for they have not much time 
lor eating. The only food they are short of is the food that feeds the 
lungs, and for want of this it happens now and then, that they are 
suffocated. After working all day long in close and crowded rooms, 
they sleep two in a bed, with the beds jammed close together ; and so 
they should get used to stifling, for they have certainly enough of it. 
But somehow now and then they are found dead in their beds, in spite 
of all the care that has been taken for their comfort. It is very 
ungrateful of them, to say the very least : because, when such mishaps 
occur, there is sure to be a fuss made at that stupid Coroner's Inquest. 
And then their dear good kind employers, of whom they always speak 

so well, (as do schoolboys of their masters, in the usual holiday letter)— 
these tender hearted Christians, or Hebrews it may be, are called all 
sorts of horrid names, and almost accused of manslaughter ! But poor 
dear injured men, how can they help such accidents ? Why, M'm, they 
take the greatest care of their young people, and always have a doctor 
handy for emergencies. Yes, M'm, fresh air is the thing, but how are 
you to get it? Bents you know, M'm, is hawful 'igh, and every 
hinch of 'ouseroom is uncommon precious. We do hevery-thing, 
we can, M'm, we do assure you that we does, and as far as morals 
go, combined with every bother luxury, our young ladies is most 
comfortable, you may take our honest word for it. But you see, M'm, 
There 's a deal of competition now in trade, and when one 'ires 
expensive 'ouses, one 'as to make the most of 'em. And so you see, 
M'm, our young ladies must sleep pretty thick ; but for cleanliness and 
comfort their rooms is quite a pictur ! 

So the tale is told, and so will it be repeated, and when another 
slave is stifled, good Mr. Mantalini will heave a sigh of sympathy, 
and say he's reelly very sorry, but— but how can he help it ? Of course 
by increasing the number of his work women, which would lessen 
his profits, and hiring extra houses, he might give his slaves more 
sleeping room and prevent their being stifled. But, dear kind thought- 
less creature, he will never dream of this, until an Act of Parliament 
obliges him to do so, and the spectres of his work-rooms have a 
Government Inspector. 

Odd Challenge. 

The other evening when a fashionable and highly aristocratic com- 
pany were assembled in the drawing-room of a well-known leader of 
ton, one of his men-servants dressed in livery came into the apartment, 
and without any provocation called his master out. The mystery will 
soon, we hear, be cleared up. 

Managerial Motto (for the Ghost Houses).—" He who 
Peppers most highly is certain to please." 

Juu 4, 1863.] 



The man who seeks for something 'funny may discover it at times in 

the most unlikely places. For instance, s who would dream of ever 

finding anything to laugh at in the.Grocer ! Yet the other day we read interesting paper:— 

"~ " A Ten Guinea Speech.— The proceedings at the dinner of the Grocers" and 
Teadealers' Benevolent Institution were considerably enlivened towards the close of 
the evening by one of the guests proposing to make a speech. He was with some 
difficulty prevented continuing a prosy harangue, and at the termination of the 
festival he declared that had he been allowed to have finished his speech, the Charity 
would have been better to the extent of ten guineas. Some gentlemen said that 
they had given their money without any fuss, and why could he not do the same. 
He replied that he had his moral—' No speech, no ten guineas.' " 

Subscribers to a charity are seldom influenced by motives of quite 
unmixed benevolence. One man gives bis guineas by way of an adver- 
tisement, while another does so possibly by way of conscience money for 
some secret peccadillo. Others may subscribe because they like to be 
thought generous, and enjoy hearing their names applauded when the 
Secretary reads them at the charitable dinner. But what an odd idea 
of charity that man must entertain who insists on boring people with a 
horribly long speech, and makes that a condition for his giving his ten 
guineas ! A subscription on such terms would be no charity at all, for 
the speech which the subscriber would inflict upon his hearers would 
neutralise entirely the benevolence of his gift. If all after-dinner spout- 
ing could for ever be abolished, what a step in civilisation it assuredly 
would be ! But while people will make speeches and make their doing 
so an absolute condition of their charity, there should at charitable din- 
ners be some private rooms provided where each subscribing orator 
might be supplied with a reporter, and so, without annoying the com- 
pany assembled, be allowed to take his ten or twenty guineas' worth of 



Caution, to Cricketers— Tone.— -The Captain of an Eleven, on the 
Cricket-field remarkable for his powers of throwing, pitched his voice so 
high, that no one could catch what he said. 

It is now positively settled that Shakspeare was a great lover of 
the noble game of Cricket; among numerous allusions to this sport 
that occur in his works, we single out three, and leave the industrious 
player to make the remaining extracts for himself. In Coriolanus, 
Act i. Scene 1, Menenius Agrippa, so called because of his having such 
a hold upon the Public, asks the Roman citizens — 

Of course Cricket Clubs are here intended. Again, at the close of this 
scene, the same gentleman observes that — 

" The one side must have bail." 

Doubtless in the Great Poet's time, the use of more than one bail 
was unknown. Another quotation will suffice ; King Lear, in Act iv. 
Scene 6, puts the question which should be in every batsman's mouth : 

" Is this a good block ?" 

If all Commentators, following Malone, have failed to remark the 
above passages, we can only say, with the author of that highly satirical 
poem Beau Peep, " Let them, Malone ! " 

Hot Potations on the Field.— When the cricketer is warm, let him 
beware lest he sit down to partake of liquor : he should invariably take 
a spoon and stir his stumps before drinking. (Note from Bishop 
Beverage's Works.) 

Cricket.— July. Matches to come ■— 

Tunbridge Wells v. Surrey 'Ills ; 
At Bury, Raw Coffee v. The Ground ; 

The new Cricket Club at Hampton Wick is to be called the Hampton 
Wickets. This is as it should be. 

News from the House of Lords— -The M.C.C. are about to take into 
consideration the following proposed Rule : — 

" That Non-Cricketers shall not be allowed to go about in their carriages on the 
ground, but that players during a match shall be allowed a drive." 

Hints. — The Cricketer's true politeness. —"Whenever any player bowls 
a " maiden over," you must immediately run and pick her up. 

The Compliments of the Cricket Season. — If you wish to pay a pretty 
compliment to a slow bowler, you may say to him, that " liis eyes are 
as black as his own slows." Should they, however, not be of this 
colour, give him a pair, if he will allow you. 

Pedestrianism.—Juhj 1st. Splendid Foot Race over meadow land 
at Runnymede. Stout overweighted competitors will be guided by the 
unchangeable sporting Laws that govern the Runny-Medes and 

{Advertisement.) We believe that Walks-hall is to be let for Pedes- 
trian Matches. 

(< Aquatics— Regatta of Cowes by the Butchers' Yacht Squadron.— 
" There will be," writes the Secretary, " a match between the butchers, 
which is in course a joint affair. Each yawl is to be fitted with leg o' 
mutton sails; and in consequence of our customers having bought 
nothing but haunches lately, we purpose having several sales of the 
line." The time fixed for this Regatta is the first day when there is a 
chopping sea. The favourite yacht for the first race is the Cheops of the 

The Annual Dinner to Steerers of Eight-oared boats will take place at 
the Nine Helms. 

Launch of a New Ship— A. young lady of Ryde after having received 
a present of an elegant boating hat, went out in a Transport of delight. 


{To Lord Viscount Palmerston.) 

Mr dear Lord, 

There is in this town a lady whom I will venture to recom- 
mend to your Lordship as exactly the person to answer your purpose in 
case you buy the International Exhibition Building and design to give 
it that ornamental covering which you named to the House of Com- 
mons. You said that the exterior of the above-mentioned edifice was 
"plainly and simply constructed," and that "it was proposed to 
ornament it with cement." The " coating of cement " thus given to it, 
you declared, would be " durable and pleasing to the eye." You repeated 
that " No doubt the face of the building would be improved in appear- 
ance when it was covered with cement." In short, you propose to 
enamel the International Exhibition Building. 

Well ; you are justified in that proposal by analogy. The exterior of 
a building, as you say, plainly and simply constructed, corresponds to 
the face of a plain woman. That of the structure in question is certainly 
very plain, in the female sense of the word. In plain English it is 
horribly ugly. The plain woman has her face enamelled: and so may 
you have the Exhibition Building. 

You know Lady Bakdolph, whom I met at your house the other 
evening, and who begged me to dance with her. For twenty years, up 
to within the last month or two, as you are aware, her Ladyship's face 
was all bubuckles, and whelks, and knobs, and flames of fire ; in a state 
of alcoholic efflorescence, not to say grogblossoms. Now the Lady 
Bardolph has had her face enamelled. Her plain exterior has been 
ornamented with cement ; embellished with a coating of cement which 
is durable and pleasing to the eye. Mark, not only pleasing to the eye, 
but also durable. This is just what you want. Let Madame Rachel 
enamel the shed at South Kensington, and, in the words of the title of 
a work which she has addressed to the taste and intelligence of the 
British female Aristocracy, she will render the plainly and simply con- 
structed exterior of that fabric, like the plainest of faces, " Beautiful for 
ever." I am ever yours, $mWC8. 

P.S. It is probable that Madame Rachel's charge for enamelling 
the Exhibition Building would be something considerably under the 
sum that its decorations and repairs, mismanaged as usual, are likely to 
cost you in the end. _ 

Black and White Slavery. 

We understand that the King of Dahomey intends sending over a 
deputation to this country to remonstrate against the slavery that is 
carried out in our workshops, with a view of putting an end, if possible, 
to the horrors and atrocities that are, with a degree of barbarism 
unworthy of a civilised country, practised there. 

Employment for Ladies. — To order their dresses a week or so 
before they are wanted, so that the poor sempstresses may not have to 
sit up all night to finish them. 


[Jolt 4, 1863. 


This is the way our friend Scrawley {a fellow of some humour for a Swell) appealed to 
Old Pomdwisc the other day, lying in wait for him at the Waterloo Station (5.5 p.m.). 
— Siceet little Cottage the Old Boy has at Richmond, gives the jollicst little dinners, and 
the daughters the nicest girls ! He succeeded. 

" IFS " AND " ANDS." 

(Apropos of the International Exhibition Building, and the 
buying up thereof.) 

If a hundred and fifty thousand 

The public hadn't paid up, 
For the old Brompton acres where Kelk 

And Lucas have ruu their shed up— 

If the Old Exhibition Commission 
Was not John Bull's own trustee, 

And their sixteen and a-half acres 
Already his propertie— 

If the building had drains and foundations 
The damp from below to remove ; 

If the building had roofs and sky-lights 
To keep out the rain from above — 

If it wouldn't cost more money, 

Betwixt doin' and undoin', 
To fit the old shell for our uses, 

Than it would to build a new un' — 

If Mr. Hunt's Estimates hadn't 

Got chawed up so catawampous ; 
If the Domes weren't quite so ugly ; 

If Dilke weren't quite so pompous— 

If we 'd half a million to play with : 
If those who spend had to earn it too: 

If our money burnt holes in our pockets : 
If we 'd no better use to turn it to — 

Then, if all these ifs were disposed of, 

And no more ifs could be found, 
It might be well to invest in 

The Building, and pay for the Ground. 

But until this consummation, 

Suppose we took the acres, 
As the property of the Nation, 

And the building turned o'er to its makers ? 

" The Busy World." 

It is in most 'cases (exclaims an injured individual), far 
too "busy," for it generally busies itself with the 
business of others in which it has no business to busy itself 
at all. 

The Folly of Dress.— It is with pain we make the 

assertion, but we know many a woman who would infinitely 

out of her mind than out of the Fashion. 


During the ensuing Term, Bar-maids will be allowed to practise in 
TVestminster Hall. This is no Inn-ovation as Bachelors of Civil Law 
have from time immemorial possessed the same privilege. 

Mr. E. T. Smith has engaged the services of the Longest and 
Shortest Nights in the year for a joust at the forthcoming Tournament ; 
which was joust what he wanted ; he has also, we believe, applied to the 
Royal Geological Society for any 'Ossytied gents that they may have by 
them. The Master of Trinity College, Cambridge, has, with'his usual 
liberality, made a proposition for furnishing a few mathematical riders 
for the occasion. A large Tailor's Establishment will supply the Lists 
at Cremorne. 

The Spaniards are about to do honour to a distinguished man, and 
have determined upon setting up a Column to CmusTorHER Colum- 
bus. The motto on the base is to be taken from Sheridan's well 
known play of The Critic, where Puff implores the actor to "keep up 
his Christopher." The Line is most appropriate. 

In a late interesting case in one of the House of Commons Com- 
mittee rooms, it was thought that the name of Railway Contractors 
ought to be dropped in consequence of the numerous "extensions" 
which they were perpetually advocating. 

The Speaker wishes to enforce the old rule, that " no Honourable 
Member shall bring a pea-shooter into the House." The order will 
meet with a vast amount of opposition. If the attempt were made to 
introduce the same into the House of Lords, the Peers would unani- 
mously resent it. It has also been suggested that the Members might 
be accommodated with refreshment at the bar of the House. 

In compliance with a time-honoured custom, the Lobs Chancellor 

will, on the last day of the Session, pledge every one in a pint of his 
own Wool Sack. 

The Whitebait at Greenwich have this season been remarkably fine : 
these queer fish are going to give a grand amateur performance in aid 
of digestion; the first piece will be the well-known Nigger Opera, 
the Bo-minnow Noir. 


The Marquis of Hastings (who is the Patron of Ten Livings) has 
just been fined for fighting Twelve Cocks. This battle of Hastings has 
caused some sensation at Loughborough, and despite the eloquent and 
ingenious efforts of Mr. C. G. Merewether iu his noble client's 
behalf, the Magistrates mulcted the Marquis in the sum of five pounds. 
It was urged that cock-fighting is not cruel in the ordinary sense of 
the words, inasmuch as cocks like to fight. This may be so, but the 
real cruelty is practised upon the public, because it does not like to 
read of such sanguinary combats. The Marquis is under age, and will 
probably know better in future, but we suppose that living near Ashby- 
de-la-Zouch, he thought he would get up a small tournament of his own. 
A Plantagenet, however should love nobler sport, and win other 
spurs than ornithological ones. Nemo bis vexari and so forth, and we 
are not going to punish his Lordship, who has been dealt with by the 
law, but we warn him that some French dramatist will infallibly bring 
him on the Parisian Stage, with a coronet on his head and a cock under 
each arm, and saying " Godam, I shall go to Vestminstare and fight Cox 
in the House of Commons, yes, rosbif, wee." Such is the result of 
incaution on the part of great people. 

July 4, 1863.] 



E read on Monday 
morning last, 
nearly three co- 
lumns of theMoin- 
ingPost filled with 
descriptions of 
the dresses worn 
by the ladies 
who attended the 
Queen's Draw- 
ing-Room on the 
preceding Satur- 
day. Of course 
the particulars of 
every dress were 
furnished by the 
wearer to the 
Post for publica- 
tion. To what end 
is this done by 
ladies of fashion ? 
In order that un- 
fashionable la- 
dies, the wives 
and daughters of 
mercantile and 
professional men, 
may be enabled 
the more accu- 
rately to imitate 
their costume ? 

If so, this condescension is very kind and considerate of the fashionable 
ladies to those who benefit by it, whose husbands, however, may take 
another view of the suggestion of expensive finery. 

It might be supposed that the object of ladies who think it proper to 
inform the world how they were dressed when they went to Court is to 
advertise themselves. Eut the number of those among them who are 
married is at least equal to that of the single. The latter only can have 
any need to be puffed, the former having already gone off— some of 
them very much so. 

The persons who really want the advertisement which the details in 
question afford fine ladies, are the milliners who make their Court 
dresses. Handsome is that handsome does ; and if the beauties who 
figure before the world bedizened in type wished to do the handsome 
thing, they would affix, for publication, to the account of their clothing, 
the name of the milliner by whom they were supplied with it. At the 
end of every catalogue of dresses worn at a Court Drawing-Room, it 
is also desirable that the Morning Post should publish a list of the 
killed and prostrated ; namely, the dressmakers and needlewomen who 
have been worked or stifled to death almost or quite, in the task of 
getting up all that elegant apparel against time. 

Some men have a notion that the enumeration of the particulars of 
ladies' dresses worn on any grand occasion is intended, and serves, 
merely to gratify a peculiar female propensity delighting in such details ; 
the taste in dress. This may be. On the same principle, perhaps, at 
Lord Mayors' feasts, and other grand dinners, the bill of fare is pub- 
lished by the newspapers, in order to afford gratification to a taste 
supposed to be more characteristically masculine; the appetite for food. 
The analogy, however, is imperfectly carried out by the Press. A list 
of ladies' dresses would be exactly paralleled by an account of the dishes 
which the gentlemen had individually eaten; each gentleman furnishing 
a specification of the viands whereon he had regaled himself. As for 
instance : — 

" Mr. Deputy Gutch. Turtle, claire and purie. Salmon and lobster sauce, with 
cucumber; stewed and spitchcocked eels, turbot dla crime, flounders, water-sowcAtf, 
soles d la tortare, mackerel A la viaUre d' hotel, rissoles of rabbit, oyster-patties, roast 
and hashed venison, boiled turkey poult, capon a Vestragon, roast peacock, ditto 
swan, mutton cutlets and sauce piquante, stewed breast of veal and mushrooms, 
ducklings, toad-in-the-hole, gooseberry pie and custard, sweet and savoury omelettes, 
. souffle' of rice cream. Charlotte Russe, Maraschino and Cura?oa jelly, blancmange, 
leveret, salad, bread-and-cheese. Iced punch, sherry, hock, champagne, ale, half- 
and-half, stout, port, and claret." 

Many old gentlemen, perhaps, would gloat over a registration of 
gluttony, like the foregoing, just as ladies, old and young, love to pore 
over the records of fiddle-faddle. There is certainly some difference 
between such gentlemen and such ladies. So there is between butter- 

Art Terms. 

A Lady Artist, who had been for some time abusing the make of a 
certain tall gentleman's cranium, on seeing him suddenly stoop as he 
passed under a very low doorway, quickly changed her mind, and 
exclaimed that it was " a duck of a head." Farium et mutabile semper 


We have again to rectify the blunders of that most unsatisfactory 
periodical, the Court Circular. Here is a list of ladies of whose presen- 
tation at the last Drawing-room the Court Circular omits all mention, 
but who had quite as good reason for going to Court as numbers whose 
attendance is duly registered. 

Mrs. Fiiz-Obit, on paying her milliners' bills of four years standing, 
by Mrs. Giles Overreach. 

Mrs. De Namel, on being painted to look Beautiful for Ever, by 
Mrs. Jessy Bell. 

Mrs. Bolsover Clipstone, on wearing her new ear-rings for the first 
time, by Mrs. Carburton Cissiter. 

Mrs. Whyle Armley, on recovery from her vaccination, by Mrs. 

Mrs. Dunshunner, on giving up her opera-box in order to pay her 
children's school bills, by Mrs. Strong Mynderville. 

Mrs. Roseleaf, on becoming a Fellow of the Botanical Society, by 
Lady Rodde O'Dendron. 

Mrs. Naggleton, on making it up with Mr. Naggleton, by Mrs. 

Mrs. Gamble, on receiving the gloves she won at Ascot, by Lady Bet 

Mrs. Scraggleby, on taking to high-necked dresses, by Mrs. Shoulders. 

Mrs. Pagan, on taking to going to Church instead of lying in bed till 
twelve or one o'clock on Sundays, by Mrs. A. Waykenor. 

Mrs. Driver, on having kept a servant two whole months, by the wife 
of the Slaveownian Ambassador. 

Mrs. Neediman, on having gone to two parties in the same dress, by 
Mrs. Yak Mantle. 

Mrs. Muffe, on having discovered that the American war is not 
between North and South America, by Mrs. Owley Pumpe. 

Miss Wiseman, on her accepting old Mr< Globular, by Mrs. Joyn- 

Miss Sapientia Wiseman, on her rejecting young Mr. Rattlecash, by 
Mrs. Joynture. 

Miss Verdigreese, on her learning to sing an English ballad, by Mrs. 

Miss Jenny Flexion, on her conversion from Puseyism, by Lady 
Exeter Hall. 

Miss Froggs, on her having taken a five-bar gate, by Mrs. Jumping- 

Miss Phooley, on renouncing her belief in the Guards, by Lady Hero 

Miss Bloomer, on having allowed her papa to bring her away from a 
dance before two o'clock by Lady Beautysleep. 

Miss Blimber, on having successfully coached her stupid brother for 
his little-go, by the Hon. Mrs. Feeder. 

Miss Ankle*, on having croque'd and accepted Captain Spoonbill, by 
Mrs. Balmoral Boots. 

Miss Wyld-Bore, on burning her album, by Mrs. Pesterwit. 

Miss Sparkles, on having sent Mr. Punch some clever verses, which 
he inserted, by Lady Judina Punch. 

Mrs. Rarey Aviss, on having refused to drive her horses more than 
forty miles in one day, by Lady Killnagger. 

Mrs. Wrashonal, on having enforced the No Crinoline law among her 
domestics, by Mrs. Brainer Cleverby. 

Mrs. D'Ist.ray, on having listened to her husband while he read a 
whole paragrapli in a newspaper, by Mrs. Purr Light. 

Mrs. Twangles, on having allowed that Elijah was almost as grand a 
work of art as the Trovatore, by Mrs. Keye Board. 

Mrs. Dordler, on having been in time for the beginning of Finesse, 
by Lady Thyme Peace. 

Mrs. Darby, on having worked a pair of slippers for Her Own 
Husband, by Mrs. Jone. 

Mrs. Martyr, on her leaving Christendom and going to live in Bedford 
Square, by Mrs. Vyctym. 

Miss Clackington, on not having talked once about the Princess of 
Wales during an entire morning, by Mrs. Gushington. 

Mrs. Hook Knowes, on having admitted that a photograph did her 
justice, by Mrs. Squabb. 

Mrs. Slap|)er, on having taught her child its alphabet, by Mrs. 

Mrs. De Bathinggown, on having assented to go to Scarborough 
instead of Switzerland this year, by the Hon. Mrs. Plunger. 

Mrs. Perfect, on having refused to begin reading a sensation novel 
until she had finished Knigiit's England, by Lady Chrysolite Opal. 

An Important Fact for Oculists. 

Mr. Punch was asked whether it was possible to cure a blind-alley ; 
when that mighty genius readily replied, "Certainly; I should first 
begin by improving its site." 



[July 4, 1863. 


The Senior "Wrangler of this 
year, after a great deal of mental 
labour and deep algebraical study, 
has succeeded in squaring his 
elbows. We regret to hear that 
the Public Orator of Cambridge 
having been laid up with a severe 
cold, has, consequently, lost his 
voice in the proceedings of the 
Senate. A recent Grace decrees 
that Members of the University 
may no longer keep their clothe? 
in the Pitt Press. Instead of 
sending them to the Pitt, they 
must use their own private boxes. 
At the Freemasons' Ball at Oxford 
the new University Dance, entitled 
the Can-Cellarius, dedicated to 
the Chancellor was performed by 
the Heads on their feet, and was 
admitted on all hand3 to be 
charmingly graceful. 


Enthusiastic Waterman. " My eye, Sam, ain't she a Beauty?'' 

Sam. " 'Urn ; merry well as Women goes. 'Seen my Wife, you've seen a finer Woman.' 


It is generally known that the 
Loud Chief Baron carries his 
years uncommonly well. At Her 
Majesty's Drawing-Room, on 
Saturday last, the venerable and 
learned President of the Court of 
I Exchequer showed convincing 
J proof , of his ability to carry some- 
| thing more. The Court Newsman 
delights and astonishes us by the 
i information that :— 

" The Lord Chief Baron wore his gold 
collar of S. S. with the portcullis. " 

Fancy Sir Frederick. Pollock 
marching along under the load of 
a portcullis! Which of us youth 
could perform such a feat of 
strength as that ? The like thereof 
has not been seen since the days of 


W t hat is popular music ? " Oh, nigger-songs, of course," says Jones, 
" and melodies of the Music Halls, like ' The Black Gal togged in Blue,' 
or ' The Scavenger's Great Granddaughter.' " Well, Jones, you may he 
right, and music such as this may (more 's the pity) be thought popular. 
People without brains may like hearing brainless music, and, as " more 
geese than swans do live, more fools than wise," senseless jingle-jang- 
ling tunes must doubtless become popular. But that epithet has lately 
been applied to better music, and it rejoices us to notice that the appli- 
cation daily is becoming more well founded. Twenty years ago good 
music was supposed to send people to sleep, and only Philharmonic 
lunatics were thought able to endure it. Nowadays, however, good 
music is known better, and therefore better liked. A sonata or concerto 
of quite twenty minutes' length is listened to without a gabble or a 
gape: and good music is so popular that at the concerts which par 
excellence are known to us as " Popular," nothing else is ever played. 

To the director of these Concerts which have given so much pieasure 
to so many people, the thanks of all who love good music are deservedly 
now due; and as the Director takes a Benefit next Monday, their 
thanks should be expressed by their presence on that night. "This is 
the last of the " Monday Pops " that will be heard this season, and we 
hope that Mr. Chappell will have a good Saint James's haul. 

Imperial Furniture. 

Messrs. Jackham and Grason are announced as appointed, by 
special brevet from the Tuileries, Fournisseurs de I'Empereur. We are 
requested to add, that they did not supply the Emperor with his new 


There is a so-called "comic" song which is termed the " Perfect 
Cure," and there are unhappily many persons in the world who can 
never hope to sing that song in character. These poor sufferers have 
ailments or deformities which no human skill can cure, and for their 
relief an asylum has been founded, where patients thought incurable 
may be permanently lodged. At all our other hospitals cases such as- ! 
these are inadmissible for treatment : at the Hospital for Incurables I 
none other are received. 

To aid the not too plenteous funds of this admirable Charity, a fancy 
fair was held last week beneath the Domes that Fowke built, where a 
score or two. of ladies played at shopkeeping awhile, and sold shillings- 
worths for sovereigns with the usual fair dealing of the fair sex at a 
fair. Moreover some few score of gentlemen made hobby horses of 
themselves, and turned acrobats and actors, and men wise in their 
vocation of both law and art and literature, consented for pure charity 
to try and play the fool. 

Punch merely notices this fair to call attention to the Hospital for 
which the fair was held, and which he knows to be deserving of liberal 
(as well as of conservative) support. And if this be given as freely, and 
with as excellent good-will as the stall-keepers and showmen gave their 
presence at the fair, the Hospital for Incurables will be considerably 
benefited, and many a poor sufferer may hope to be relieved by it. 

Cruelty and Inconsistency. 

A Cruel Step-mother, after ill-using her step-daughter tor several 
days, at last refused to find her in food. With strange female incon- 
sistency she subsequently found the young girl in tears. 

Printnl by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Uf 

July 11, 1863. 




Able-bodied Volunteer. "Hallo, Gawkey, mt Boy! what's all this about?" 

Invalid Ditto (in gasps). "Oh, I— fact is— shooting the other day at— our 
Long Range— thought I 'd try — Farquharson Position — made a centre, but 
— dislocated both my— shoulder blades— concussion of the funny-bone and 
a crick in my neck ever since ! " 

For the benefit of the uniratiated, we subjoin the practice referred to by our 
Invalid friend : — 

"The 'Farquharson Position. '—Let a man lie down on his back, cross his legs, and "place a 
rifle butt into his right shoulder, with the barrel resting on the limbs. Having done this, let him 
bring the left arm round the back of his head, and take hold of the butt of the rifle, the left elbow 
pressed against the head, somewhere on the right lobe, near the hump of ' cautiousness,' no bad 
quality for a rifle shot by the way. If a man can do this, not as a gymnastic feat, but easily, so as 
to make bull's-eyes at 1000 yards in that remarkable attitude, he will be as clever as Mr. 


June 29. Monday. The sight of the stalwart and intelligent Maori chiefs, who 
are anions the lions of the season, probably induced Lord Lyttleton to get up 
a New Zealand debate. He urged that certain settlers at Taranaki should be pro- 
tected against the natives. The Duke of Newcastle was sorry for the settlers, but 
thought that their troubles were their own fault. Earl Grey praised the Maories, 
aud was for amalgamating them with the colonists. Much uglier fellows than the 
chiefs who are visiting us get married to very eligible English girls. 

The Solicitor Genkral, who is thought to understand International Law almost 
as well as Mr. Punch, is not dissatisfied with the American Prize Courts. Tbere 
was a debate on tlieir decisions, and Mr. Cobden, in return, assailed the charge of 
Chikf Baron Pollock, in the Alexandra case. Mr. Seymour Fitzgerald 
thought that Lord Russell's language, on the subject of British rights, was more 
energetic than his deeds. 

The Irish Church debate was resumed, and of "course there was a good deal of 
laughter. Sir Robert Peel made a rattling speech, suggested a Cartoon for Mr. 
Punch (for which we are obliged), and made fun of Mr. Bernal Osborne " with 
pious tears galloping over his t heological cheek." Sir Robert declared himself the 
determined champion of the Church of Ireland, and reminded the House that the 
total expense of t hat grand engine against evil was only the price of a single armour- 
plated vessel. The logic was exactly suited to the House, which after some more 
talk, decided by 228 to 67 that the debate should not be arijourned, and then a 
motion for the adjournment of the House finished otf the affair altogether. The 
Tories have won Berwick-on-Tweed. 

Tuesday. Mouravieff seems to be a Russian General 
Butler. That eminent Federal, who hopes to be President, 
had a special method of dealing with the ladies of New 
Orleans, and Mouravieff has au equally special way of 
persecuting Polish ladies. The latter are addicted to wearing j 
mourning for their slaughtered relativesorfortheir oppressed 
country, and the symbol is hateful to the Russians. So 
they have commanded that all women of an infamous life 
shall wear black, and consequently any lady in black is 
liable to the utmost insolence of the police. Can we 
wonder at hearing that the Poles sometimes avenge them- 
selves terribly ? 

Lord Derby made a neat protest against the surrender 
of the Ionian Isles, which, had he been in office he would 
have seen it necessary to cede, and Lord Russell, who, 
had he been in Opposition, would have felt it his duty to 
protest against the cession, made the defence which, in the 
other case, would have fallen to Lord Derby. 

Lord Granville stated that the case of the Milliners and 
Dressmakers had been referred to a Royal Commission now 
sitting on similar matters. The employers of the girls like 
the one destroyed at Mrs. Isaacson-Elise's have tried 
to lay blame on the ladies, but Lady Ellesmere states 
that no matter how long a notice a lady gives, the dress- 
maker will not begin the dress until the last moment, and 
hence the terrible pressure. 

Edinburgh's claim to precedence over Dublin is now 
finally allowed by the heralds. Probably the Scottisli 
metropolis will shortly claim precedence over London, as 
England is described as "an appanage to the Scottish 

Then came the question, raised by John Arthur Roe- 
buck, whose name is Tear'em, " Shall we recognise the 
Soul hern Confederacy?" He moved a resolution to the 
effect that we ought to do so. His reasons were various. 
Among them were these : — 

That Mr. Bright thinks himself the salt of the earth, 
and isn't. 

That the South had conquered the North, and now j 
menaced Washington. 

That it was for our interest to be on terms with a State ' 
that produces sugar, cotton, and tobacco. 

That the Northerners hate the slaves. 

That the Northerners are hypocrites. 

That he, Roebuck, had resolved to prevent the recon- 
struction of the Union. 

That he and Mr. Lindsay had been to Paris, and asked 
the Emperor whether he had changed his mind, and that 
the Emperor had said that he had not. ' 

That in ten days we could sweep every American ship 
from the seas. 

That the Northern armies are melting away. 

That the Lancashire distress will increase, and in that 
case Lord Palmerston's popularity will collapse. 

Well, here are reasons of all kinds, large and small, and 
to and from the purpose. A great debate followed. Lord 
R. Montagu was for neutrality, as was Mr. Clifford, 
who, however, affirmed that public opinion in this country 
was strongly in favour of the South. Mr. Gladstone 
urged the necessity of being passionless, testified to English 
admiration of the heroism of the South, but adverted to 
the counter-current of anti-slavery feelings. He had not 
been afraid of the Union, nor desired its destruction, and 
at all events he deprecated any argument based on selfish 
grounds. He also protested against the House taking into 
its own hands the business of Government. He rebuked 
Mr. Roebuck, and said there was no doubt as to what 
would be the issue of the war, but that there ought to be 
no undue interference. Mr. Eorster made a strong j 
anti-slavery speech, and threatened us with the anger of 
Heaven if we encouraged the slave-owners. Lord Robert 
Cecil called him a fanatic. Mr. Bright, in one of the 
ablest speeches he has ever made, castigated Mr. Roebuck 
in a hideous manner, and contrasted his present language 
of adulation of the Emperor with his expression of disgust 
seme time ago that " those perjured lips should touch the 
hollowed cheek of our Queen." Mr. Bright, of course, 
made a strong Federal speech, and introduced as illus- 
trative of the horrors of slavery a pretty picture of his 
own fireside with six little children there. He argued, of 
course, upon what slave parents must feel. All very well, 
but it does not follow that because Mr. Bright loves his 
six charming children (to whom Mr. Punch sends his best 
love) he ought to encourage people who hire the scum of 
Ireland and Germany to cut the throats of those who have, 



[July 11, 1863. 

in ten thousand households, little children, as dear to them as Mr. 
Bbight's to him. He implored the House not to aid the South in 
" the most, stupendous act of guilt which history had recorded." Sir 
George Grey contradicted a queer statement by Mr. Roebuck that, 
the Emperor had complained lo him that Lord Lyons had improperly 
exhibited to Mr. Seward a French despatch. Next night Mr. Layard, 
repeatedly and very petulantly interrupted by Mr. Roebuck, set the 
matter beyond doubt by reference to dates. Nothing of the kind could 
have occurred. As we believe that Mr. Roebuck is incapable of 
untruth, we conclude that the Emperor inconsiderately talked French 
to him, and that he had left his French ear in England. The Tuesday 
debate was adjourned till Thursday, but the Westminster cooks had 
other fish to fry on that, night, and it stood over till the Monday. 

We have to inform Malerfamilias that Lord Raynham's Bill for 
abolishing the Cane in favour of the birch was somewhat summarily 
rejected, the House saying, majora Canamus. 

Wednesday. The House of Commons did that which next day threw 
millions of stupid people into au e cstacy of wrathful bewilderment. It 
read a Second Time a Bill for abolishing all the arithmetical tables which 
drive little boys to distraction, and substituted a simple and uniform 
system, based on science, and in accordance with the standard of otber 
civilised nations. It is proposed to give England Three Years to learn 
what any boy of twelve years old could easily learn in a week. Of 
course Government had too accurate an idea of the stupidity of the 
people to believe that such a measure would be acceptable, and it will 
be defeated this time, but if the Boys of England have true British 
pluck they wiil demand to be taught the metrical system, and will 
meantime refuse to learn the ridiculous old one. And if any School- 
master dares to flog a Boy for such resistance, let Mr. Punch have the 
name and address of that Pedagogue, and he shall be nailed up in 
terrorem, and one school shall follow the fortune of that of Mr. Wack- 
ford Squeers. While the Britisb Blockhead .is making up his mind to 
the new system, at least let it be taught in all the schools we pay for, 
and let all candidates for all offices be examined in it. 

Thursday. There are to be great improvements in our part of the 
New World. There is to be a Constitution for Vancouver's Island 
and British Columbia, the Atlantic and Pacific are to be connected by 
a railway through British North America, and that most, gigantic of 
Game Lords, the Hudson's Bay Company, has consented, for the small 
sum of a million and a half, to allow its wilderness of animals with 
valuable skins to be opened up for Colonisation. Mrs. Britannia, 

" These be celestial arts and worthy thee." 

And now Mr. Punch, with his habitual self-reliance, but still with an 
adequate sense of the greatness of the work before him, addresses him 
to a brief history of 


" It had been known that the Leaders of Parties had, mis et modis, 
been won over to the scheme which, according to the bias of those who 
spoke of it, was described as the International Building Purchase, and 
the Kensington Court Job. But the Leaders of Parties are not every- 
body. Excitement, pervaded England, and agitation against the scheme 
had spread far and wide. The wily Premier had fought and won a 
battle which it was hoped might decide the fate of the campaign, for 
he had secured the assent of the House to the purchase of the Land. 
Then, with increased wiliness, he became a little unwell, and left the 
greater battle to be fought by his Lieutenants. It had been delayed 
more than once, but the Chariot of the Hour arrived at last, and 
Jupiter struggled in the fierce clutch of Demogorgon. On the 
night of Thursday, the second of July, and the eve of the Dog Days, 
Mr. Gladstone asked a Committee of the House of Commons for 
£105,000 for the purchase of the domed and doomed International Build- 
ings. His el borate argument, though delivered under an evident 
consciousness that he was casting away his subtle eloquence, comprised, 
it, may be safely said, all that, could be urged in favour of the measure. 
The gallant Volunteer, Loud Elcho, moved the rejection of the vot.p. 
He was supported by Bkntinck the Tory, and Shelley the Radical. 
The gentle Cowpkr came to his comrade's aid, and was assailed by 
Bentlnck secundus, and DouLTONof the Pots. The brave Lord Henry 
Lennox boldly declared he voted for the scheme because the late Prince 
Consort had approved it. Gregory's swashing blow was delivered at, 
the Domes, and then it was felt, that valour had lost the fight, but that 
skill might retrieve it. Sir Stafford Northcote tried to postpone 
the decision, but the enraged Committee shouted him to silence, and 
similar was the fortune of Mr. Lowe, and even of Mr. Disraeli, who 
has never before been refused a hearing since the day when he said 
" The time will come when you Shall hear me." This awful sign spi ke 
the doom of the domes, and told how far the mutiny had spread. The 
indomitable leader of Opposition measures rushed to the front,, and 
sought to persuade the Commons that they were in a hasty mood- 
something was said of a reduction of the vote, something of a Select, 
Committee— but the battle was lost, and victory hovered above the 
banner of the insurgents. Then, amid the momentary lull which pre- 

cedes the death-close, Henley, and his yellow waistcoat, deserted their 
chid, and joined the ranks of the mutineers. All was over. Gladstone, 
chivalrous to the end, went down fighting, and the last tremendous 
charge was made. " The Guard turned and fled. Ten minutes later the 
International was lying deal upon the field, with 287 bullets through 
its heart." But, it had died game, and had fired 121. Such is the 
chronicle of the Rebellion? 

Friday. Earl Russell made one of his little moves in the direction 
ot a reform. He presented a petition for doing away with the sub- 
scriptions required for academical degrees, and thought that at some 
luture time the statements in that petition might serve as the basis of 
a measure for doing away with the tests. Lord Dbt^by, as Chancellor 
ol Oxlord, was obliged to object to any such improvement, but did so 
in a way which showed lhat he knew it was desirable, and there was a 
rebate, in which the Bishop of London displayed his usual courage 
and liberality. 

In the Commons, Irish Fish and Indian Cotton were the materials of 
debate, and the week was pleasingly wound up as follows. Mr. Punch 
quotes the Morniny Star. A squabble on the Lillet and Crawley 
case was thus concluded : — 

" Mr. Bernal Osborne. I rise to order. I protest in the name of the hon. gen- 
tleman's own client against his lieing allowed to go into that case again. 

Mr. Coninsham. It is the hon. gentleman who is out of order, and I recom- 
niend him to confine his attention to the Irish Church, and to be more accurate 
in his facts the next time he brings it forward. (Laughter.) 

" Mr. Osborne. I rise again to order. The hon. gentleman has no right to travel 
out of the question. 

"Mr. Coninoham. I do not know whether the hon. gentleman is sober. (Cries of 

Mr. Osborne. I do not know whether the hon. gentleman is sane. (Senemd cries 
of ' Oh I ') " 

In which cry Mr. Punch begs emphatically to'join. 


Dear Charles Beke, 

There were three intelligent little boys who wished to 
discover the Source of the Great River Punch, We will call them 
Talk, Give, and Magistrats. 

Magistrate got a map of London, and a copy of Punch, and a pair 
of compasses, and a directory, and went into his papa's study. After 
a time he came out and said, " I know the Source of Punch. It must 
be somewhere in the Blue Clay of the London basin, and not far from 
Ben Primrose and Ben Holborn, the famous mountains." 

Talk and Give put on their caps, and with their kind tutor's leave, 
and with sixpence a-piece which he had given them, walked all the way 
from Burlington House to 85, Fleet Street, where they found the Head 
of I'unch, and were kindly received by him, and drank his health. 

Who discovered the Source of the Great Punch? Nevertheless 
Magistrate was a brave, good, and clever boy, and must not be 

Ever yours, 


Who Discovered the Source of the Nile? 

Answer to the above question, with which Dr. Beke has favoured Mr. Punch. 

Charles Beke, Abyssinian, 

It, 's Punch's opinion 
That " Guess " is a worse dog than " Seek ; " j , 

You marked in some map 

What Spekb went, to, old chap : 
So Beke mustn't cheek Grant and Spekb. 

Wanted, a Corporation. 

The inhabitants of Ryde, in the Isle of Wight, have held a meeting- 
for the purpose of memorialising the Queen to constitute that town a 
municipal borough by charter. Are the Ryde people so lean that they 
want a Corporation? Should Her Majesty grant their petition, it, is 
supposed that Parliament will enfranchise the new borough. In that 
case, we have reason to state 'hat, an invitation to become Member for 
Kyde will be addressed to Mr. Horsman. 


Visitors have not yet run down to our watering-places, to be blinded 
by the glaring light and the little dip. It is indeed a curious sight at 
the present time, and one not often witnessed, to sit on the bcacii, and 
watch the Sea Bathing. 

Work in tiie Press.— " Le Gammon de Paris." By John Arthur 
Roebuck, Esq. 

July 11, 1863.] 




hose Gentlemen and 
others whom Nature 
Las largely endowed 
with spirit, but liule 
gifled with intelli- 
gence, will rejoice in 
the prospect which 
is suggested by the 
subjoined statement 
in the Army and Navy 
Gazette .— 

" The recent case in 
the Court of Queen's 
Bench, in which the 
Balaklava Charge was 
re-enacted on paper, has 
given rise to a hostile 
leeling between a dis- 
tinguished veteran gene- 
ral of cavalry and a 
noble Lord who served 
in the Crimea, and who 
lately filed an affidavit 
respecting the action on 
behalf of Colonel Cal- 
THOarB. It was mainly 
in consequence of that 
misunderstanding that 
the affidavit was filed. 
The noble Lord, on re- 
ceiving a challenge lrom 
the General, repaired to 
Paris, and waited there 
for some time, but re- 
turned to London just as 
the procieled 
to France, where he still 

The revival of duelling may be fine fun for fire-eaters, but will prove 
extremely disagreeable to all persons who are accustomed to consider 
(lie consequences of their actions. It will enable any bully, by wantonly 
insulting you, to place you under the necessity of inviting him to shoot 
at. a on, »nd of not shooting at him in return, unless you are willing to be 
tried for jour life, and, if not hanged for murder, to be almost, certainly 
convicted of manslaughter, that is to say of felony, and so to incur im- 
prisonment, or even penal servitude, and the forfeiture of all you 

Will you laugh, and say that the duello is an anachronism. Well ; 
but. war was thought an anachronism sixteen years ago. .Necromancy 
whs voted an anachronism; penny-a-liners headed paragraphs about 
ghos's and witchcraft, among the bumpkins:— " Superstil ion in the 
Ni efeenlh Century." Hooped petticoats were numbered with ana- 
chronisms. Now we have a large proportion of mankind engaged in 
culling each other's throats, and the rest preparing to do so. Ghosts 
communicate with the nobility and gentry of England, and with foreign 
princes through Mr. Home as a go-between ; and all womankind is 
arraw-d a i 1 Imperatrice aud caged in Crinoline. Let nobody flatter him- 
self ihai. there are not enough idiots in the world to render duelling 
once more fashionable. 


People often go for coolness to the Highlands, but they may find it 
in the Lowlands too at times, as witness this : — 

MATRIMONY. — A Young Scotch Proprietor, of copious precinct, 
residing in the Lowlands of Scotland, aspires to MARRY a young ENGLISH 
LADY, of graceful appearance, possessing the most worthy virtues, being in equal 
circumstances, not exceeding 24 years of age. No other but the most pious and 
respectable need count their value to meet the just. — Address Mihi. 

What "copious precinct" means we are not Scotch enough to say, 
but this young Scotch proprietor might certainly describe himself of 
copious assurance. Graceful English girls there are in plenty here 
among us, but there is not yet such a glut of them that to get a decent 
husband they need emigrate to Scotland for him. As the advertiser 
stipulates for a bride "of equal circumstances," we presume he means 
to say that he wants a wife well fortuned besides being well favoured ; 
indeed we should not. much mind betting that, although he sajs his wife 
must, be " most pious," he would not be too particular about her stock 
of piety, if he could " count her value " by her having a good purse. 

Cool Draught of Burton. 

In the last number of the Anthropological Beview, there is an article 
by Captain 11. Burton, called "A Lay with the Fans." Very 
agreeable employment this ! Of course the " Fans " above alluded to 
belong to the race of Coolies ? 


There was a dog of fame, 

And Tear'em was his name. 
And his bark it was e'en worse than his bite, bite, bite ; 

And Tear'em's faith was strong, 

All but Teak'em must be wrong, 
And only Tear'em always must be right, right, right. 

There was never such a Tartar, 

To nothing he gave quarter; 
Whig or Tory, nob or snob, he tackled all, all, all; 

And the battles that befit 

In the great Westminster Pit, 
Would make the famed dog Billy's feats look small, small, small. 

To see him on his legs, 

(Though they seemed but shaky p^gs) 
Fore-paw pointed, teeth displayed all so grim, grim, grim ; 

Folks exclaimed, aghast, " my eyes ! 

He 's a match for any size ; 
But who's bold enough or big enough for him, him, him ? " 

With any foe he'd fight, 

From the Friends' crack bull-dog Bright, 
To the tiniest and tamest. Commons rat, rat, rat : 

And if nothing else turned up — 

Mastiff, messet, pug ot pup — 
He 'd turn round on his own tail, and worry that, that, that. 

This dog Tear'em he was full 

Of his value to John Hull, 
A watch-dog'none could bully, bribe, or bam, bam, bam ; 

" Only let outsiders try 

On me their tricks to ply, 
And down on 'em, in no time, there 1 am, am, am ! 

" What care I how big they be ? 

Czar or Kaiser 's nought, to me : 
At Emperors let common dogs turn pale, pale, pale; 

I 'd just as soon pull down 

Turban, liar, cap, or crown, 
And on Thrones and Sceptres turn a scornful tail, tail, tail. 

" Their mnjesty I hate ; 

Likewise their pomp and state ; 
They shall ne'er see aught of TtAR'rM but his teeth, teeth, teeth ; 

No sops sh'ill sol" 1 en him, 

Wile him ( ff his watch so grim, 
Or coax back his threatening tushes to their sheath, sheath, sheath/ 

Oh, Tear'em, Tear'em, Tear'em, 

From whom tyrants, " h irum scirum," 
Were to flee, like the wolf before the dog, dog, dog ; 

Was it, thou that we saw ride 

The Kaiser's coach inside, 
And enjoying Scuo^brunn's.?*^ soins and prog, prog, prog? 

Was it thou didst trot and tarry, 

For a chance to fetch and carry, 
Bound the El.vseV, with tai( that swept, the dust, dust, dust ; 

The Emperor's e\ e to calch, 

All eagerness to snatch 
Whatever to thy mouth he dared to trust, trust, trust ? 

Defying scorn and scandal, 

Was it Tear'em stooped to fondle 
The traitor hands that struck the coup d'etat, tat, tat ? 

And from fawning on I he bands, 

Came to lick the foot that, stands 
On trampled truth and violated Law, Law, Law ? 

Spite of bark and bite severe, 

Quick eye and ready ear, 
John Bull to such a watch-dog trusts no more, more, more ; 

In Vienna seek a place, 

Or hide thy altered Lee, 
In a kennel at the ElyseVs back-door, door, door ! 

Yet the Elysee I fear, 

Will yield thee sorry cheer, 
And to offer service there will prove a sc 11, sell, sell ; 

LEmpereur has dogs already, 

Not only swift but steady, 
Who can fetch {which thou canst not), and carry well, well, well ' 



[Jolt 11, 1863. 


Clara. " I sat, Gus — Come here ! Stand Still and Open your Mouth, and we 'll drop 
Chocolate into it. We 've nothing to do ! " 
Gw. " All right, Girls ! Fire away ! " 

[After an hour of this interesting occupation, Gus retires slightly uncomfortabte. 

must provide himself with his own knife, 
fork, spoon, and brush, the last article must 
always be used on field days for the purpose 
of scouring the plain. 

The Commissariat staff, during a recent re- 
view, executed a very pretty movement ; they 
deployed with a nicely-packed hamper, and 
were finally discovered in a veal-and-' ambush. 

There are very few startling advertisements 
in the literary world ; the only book calling for 
any notice is one purporting to be " A. Collec- 
tion of Lame Jokes " bound in limp cloth. 

A painful case of eviction lately occurred 
in Ireland ; the River Vartry, in the County 
Wicklow, was at an early hour of the morn- 
ing actually turned out of its old Bed into 
the New Channel ! Crowds watched the pain- 
ful and heartless proceeding, but not a soul 
interfered ! " Where," for the three thousand 
and sixty-fourth time we a-k, " Where are 
I the Police ? " It is true the Lord Lieute- 
nant officiated on this melancholy occasion, 
and "nothing" says the report "could be 
more appropriate or dramatic than the manner 
in which " his Excellency performed his task. 
The ceremony was, we believe, on this wise: 
the Lord Lieutenant approaching the bed of 
the river, knocked at the flood- gates, and, pre- 
tending to be the " Valet of the Diamonds," 
said " Hot water, Sir, Time to get up." 
The river, which was a little swollen in con- 
sequence of its many previous falls, would not 
budge an inch ; and on seeing this determi- 
nation, His Excellency, after bowing grace- 
fully, made a short speech, the greater part 
of which, totally failed in moving the rrver. 
When, however, he arrived at this sentence : 

" If in a neighbouring valley the eye of genius 
could see in the social iilcisures which were gathered 
round the meeting of the waters a magic more exqui- 
site than their own, so here we consecrate the parting 
of the waters to a still higher mission— to promote the 
health, comfort, and civilisation of countless families. " 

—the respectable old Vartry became utterly 
puzzled (he is but shallow at the best o f times), 
and without stopping either to adorn his body 
of water or wave his hair, he went off into the 
New Channel. "The Company" continues 
our informant, "then went back to Bray." 
Just what we should have expected. We 
have not heard the last of this. 

Our Volunteers are becoming dangerous : 
it was only a few days ago that a party of 
these gallant gentlemen went down and tired 
at Richmond. We are glad to say that they 
didn't succeed in hitting it, but we must be 
allowed to protest against the repetition of 
such a wanton attempt at destruction. 

Francatelli's iutended new book on din- 
ners is to be accompanied by plates and a cover. 

While upon literary matters we may men- 
tion that Mr. Home's book on SpirituHlism 
being got up with a very pretty exterior is 
sold chiefly on account of the Wrapper. 

The Empress of the French has decreed 
that no one can be considered the pink of 
Fashion unless dressed in yellow. 


AMONG'the Shadows of the Week, first and foremost comes the Adelphi Ghost, and so fearful 
is this spectral appearance to those actually engaged ou the stage, that even the Burlesque is now 
announced as " Screaming ; " doubtlessly from terror. 

Shakespearian Memorials are starting up on all sides ; among the latest of these we hear 
that the Printers' Society, having discussed Titus Andronicus, have just raised the question of 
Authorship, and are going to set it up in type as a tribute to the Great Poet. 

Our lively neighbours the French, have sent a sample of an old Parisian Herb to our Botanical 
Society ; it is called the Rue de Rivoli. 

Loud Ranelagh wishes it to be generally knowD, that every Volunteer on joining his corps 

Question ? 

In the report of the late trial of Morrison 
v. Belcher it was stated that the plaintiff 
(whose alias is Zadkiel) was a Commander 
in the Navy. Considering the way in which, 
as Zadkiel, he dupes the silly buyers of his 
Almanack, ought he not rather to rank as a 
Commander in the Knavy ? 


There is no truth in the report that Mr. 
J. A. Roebuck is, at the request of the 
Emperor, to be appointed the British Am- 
bassador at Paris, in the place of Lord 
Cowley, whose services at the French Court 
are evidently no longer needed. 





July 11, 1863.] 




Do ladies ever think? 

Now really, what a question! 
You can't be impolite enough to 
call them thoughtless creatures ! 
Well, but how about their dress- 
-"* makers, and the cases that occur 
at times of something near to man- 
slaughter? The ladies, Heaven 
bless them! of course are not 
responsible : still, might they not, 
Ho somewhat to mitigate the evil ? 
If they used their thinking facul- 
ties (assuming that they have any), 
might it not occur to them that 
dresses which may cost a life are 
rather too expensive; and even 
at the risk of being slightly out 
of fashion, might they not submit 
to be seen in a pink skirt if tbey 
thought that it might work a girl 
to death to make a blue one? 
Besides, who knows but infection 
may lie latent in a ball-dress, when 
stitched in a foul room and with 
fever-stricken fingers ? If ladies thought of this they might think 
a little more of the ,sore need of the needlewomen, and might think a 
little less of the exigence of fashion. 

We well know it is not fair to blame the ladies for the way in which 
the sempstresses are sorely over-slaved, and slowly murdered. But the 
ladies, surely, if they thought about the matter, might exist with fewer 
dresses, or give longer time for making them ; or, by a wholesome com- 
bination, might compel the Mantalini's to follow the example of larger 
manufacturers, and, when they get extra work get extra hands to do it,. 
If the ladies can't do this, the Government must help them. At 
present every Court robe has the ghastly hue of death on it, and 
Venus going to the ball is attired not by the Graces, but by slave- 
work that dis-graces us. 


A Sensation Drama entitled Le Secret de Miss Aurore is to be pro- 
duced at the Theatre du Chdtelet. We need hardly inform our readers, 
that, as the title itself suggests, the play combines all the sensational 
situations of the Secret of Lady Audley, with the stirring romantic 
adventures of the pretty little Banker's Daughter, Aurora Floyd. The 
Management, by a judicious introduction of Messrs. Dikckes' and 
Pepper's Ghost, are enabled to spice the performance with several 
additional thrilling effects. 

To the indefatigable exertions of our foreign correspondent, (who 
has been "suppressed" officially, and several times forcibly ejected 
from the Theatre in his attempts to obtain the first Dramatic Intelli- 
gence,) we are indebted for the following admirably translated extracts, 
which give some notion of what the Piece is likely to be. It is arranged 
in Two Prologues, ten Acts and twenty-six tableaux. The First Pro- 
logue, in which is shown how Aurore d Audley grew up from infancy to 
the ripe age, when she ran away with Le Softy " the great speculator in 
Railways," which is the French notion of an English Trainer, thus 
concludes : — 

Scene— A Forest with Trees, arbours and foliage. Fitter Le Softy 
attired for the Sport. Horns heard without. (Le Softy wears a 
large twisted hunting horn, which winds round his body.) 

Le Softy. She rides herself this way. 
[Chorus of Chasseurs heard without. Aurore d' Audley canters in 
on a dappled steed. Equestrian effect. 
Aurore. Tchk ! Hoop ! [Cracks a whip. 

Le Softy {cracks a joke). " I am here ! " 
Aurore. Allons ! (come along !) 
Le Softy. Oui (with pleasure). You are mine! 
Aurore (fondly). I am. Away ! 
[Le Softy stamps, and a horse suddenly rises up trap : he springs 
on his back, both gallop off. Chorus of Chasseurs enter, led 
by the Banker, Monsieur d'Audley, with guns, trumpets, and 
other implements of the chace. 
Banker (in agony). They shall not, escape. After them ! 

[As if about to pursue, jumps into the trap, which has accidentally 
been left open. 

Chorus of Chasseurs. 
Tirala! Tirrala! la, la, la! 
Tirrra ! [Soack whips 

La Chasse ! La Chasse I (The Chace ! The Chace !) 
Pour nous ! (for us). 

Tirrra la ! Tirrra la ! ) These words are the 

Tirrra la ! Tirraly la, la, la ! \ same in English. 
[During the above the fugitives are seen riding away in the distance. 
Banker comes up trap, faints. Chasseurs intimate that they 
will follow. 

End of Prologue I. 

The Second Prologue shows how Le Softy discovers himself to be 
in reality Sir Michael Talboys, who was found drowned in a well 
on a hill. After this we see in what manner Aurore, now Madame 
Le Softy, passes her life in Italy and elsewhere, andi with a grand 
Steeple Chace, in which Sir Michael, having lost all his mouny, 
finally starts for Australia, pretending to be dead, the Second Prologue 
ends, and the Play commences. 

The following is the great Scene in the First <*,ct. Aurore, Madame 
Le Softy, has changed her name to Lucy, and married Sir Bulstrode. 

Scene— The Lime Trees Walk. 
(N.B. This will be a great effect— all the Lime Trees walk about the 
Stage, while a Lime Light is thrown on them from above.) 

EnterhADY Bulstrode. 
Lady Bulstrode. Ah! mon pauvre pere (my poor father!) He'las ! 
(alas !) I will not tell him that I am Mad ! 

Enter Robert Conyers at back, observing her. 
B. Conyers. She here ! 

Lady Bulstrode (pulling a pistol out of her pocket). My husband gave 
me this to clean. 

Robert Conyers (coming forward). If you strike him it must be through 
me. [Bell tolls. 

Lady B. (to herself) Shall I hesitate? No. [Takes aim. 

Robert Conyers (aside, seeing his danger). It were more seemly to 
escape. [She shoots him. 

[Sloio music, during which Stage grows dark and the Adelphi 
Ghost appears ; he looks whiter than ever, as if recovering 
from the effect of a sea voyage. 
Ghost. I am registered and patented ! (in sepulchral tones) ba! ha ! 
[Lady B. stretches out her hand, it goes through the Ghost, showing 
the furniture in the house. She tries to set fire to the Farmhouse 
where Messrs. Dirckes and Pepper, the inventors of the Ghost, 
are asleep, and sinks exhausted. 

Enter Servants carrying James Mellish wounded. 
Mellish (to Lady Bulstrode). You are innocent. So 's Dirckes (gasps) 
and Pepper. 

[Sixth Tableau. Ghost imploringly kneels to Bobert Conyers, 
who points feebly to Mellish. Lady Bulstrode stands on a 
pedestal surrounded by menials, thus making a final Tableau 
illustrating Truth, Mercy, Justice, and the Polytechnic. Strains 
of Heavenly music as curtain descends. 

If our Correspondent is able to furnish us with any further particu- 
lars, we shall at once place them before the public. At present be it 
our cheerful task to congratulate the French managers on the produc- 
tion of so great a Piece "taken from the English." 

Appalling and Mysterious. 

A Gentleman (?) and his Wife took lodgings some time since in a 
street not far 1'rom Piccadilly. One morning the gentleman went out, 
apparently alone, and did not return. On subsequently searching the 
room, the landlady was horrified on 'discovering that her lodger had 
taken his better half with him, and left his quarters. Surgical aid was 
called in, but too late to be of any assistance. 


The other day a gentleman holding an official position at Court, pave 
a rising young modeller his countenance. The ungrateful youth has aince 
made use of the mug for drinking purposes.] 

It is the part of a Virtuous Government to give good instruction to 
Vice. Iu the Great Metropolis we are often taught a moral lesson by 
the sight of a young thief being brought up by a Policeman. 

Sauce from a Gander— A foolish friend of ours declares that the 
discovery of the source of the Nile would in the dark ages have been 
culled an act of source-ry. 



[July 11, 1863. 

Old Floppcrs " won't be bothered with his basket, as he has only time for one more cast 
in his favourite Pool." 

The Leicester Chronicle publishes the subjoined state- 
ment,, with a heading which seems, indeed, appropriate 
enough :— 

" An almost Incredible Story.— The following lately took place 
before the Magistrates of Loughborough: Mr. Barnes, of Six Hills 
summoned his servant, a young man named Frederick Pick, for a 
wilful violation of the Sabbath, in cleaning on Sunday a pair of lace-up 
boots ! The complainant told the Bench that on Sunday morning he 
went into the out-house, and there saw the defendant cleaniug him- 
self before a piece of broken looking-glass, and lying by the side of 
him was a pair of lace-up boots, which had just been polished 
together with the just-used blacking-brushes. He asked the de 
fendant if he had violated his orders and cleaned the boots on the 
Sabbath? The defendant attempted to justify his unholy and dis- 
obedient act by saying that he had not time to clean himself on 
Saturday. The lad, in his defence said he thought it would be much 
more criminal if he went to church dirty than in cleaning his boots 
and shaving bimself, and going to church like a Christian. The Magis- 
trates fined the lad in the sum of 40s. and costs, which their 
Worships humanely ordered to be paid out of the wages due to him 
from his master '.— Leicester Chronicle." 

However, the above narrative is not quite so incredible 
as it seems. Our Leicester contemporary says that the 
proceedings therein related took place before the Magis- 
trates of Loughborough. Exactly so. It occurred at a 
theatre, on the boards of which was performed, in the 
presence of their Worships, who patronised the entertain- 
ment, a burlesque on / Furitani, entitled The Mawworms, 
wherein a Sabbatarian humbug, and a bench of hypocritical 
asses of the same profession, were represented as concur- 
ring in the monstrous perversion of law and the rampant 
violation of justice, which not anywhere but on the stage, 
and there only in the wildest extravaganza, could ever have 
been enacted. 

Of course, if 'any quorum of Sabbato -maniacs had actu- 
ally had the crazy fanaticism, or the cracked hypocrisy, to ; 
fine a lad for cleaning his own boots on a Sunday, the ; 
Home Secretary would have taken good care to have 
them removed from the Commission of the Peace, and sub • I 
jected to a Commission of Lunacy. 

Advertisement.— A Gentleman with a few hours to 
spare will be happy to lend tlipm to anybody who can't 
otherwise get a minute to himself. 


" Ha ! whare ye gaun, ye crowlin' ferlie, 
Your impudence protects ye sairly, 
I canna say but ye strunt rarely. " 

" O'er Gauze and Lace." — Burns. 

Dr. Candlish, now known as the Erantic Divine, made in the 
course of his manly attack upon a Royal Widow's Memorial to her 
husband, a reference to " the Bible that Scot land Loves." There is a 
Bible that England loves, which may be a different book, if Candlisij 
is the authorised interpreter of Scotland's, for ours tells us to honour 
the Sovereign, and also to "honour widows." We are the more 
inclined to think that the Bible that Scotland Loves must be some 
other volume than our own household treasure, because the Scotch 
book has just been reprinted, and is announced to the world in an 
advertisement of which we propose to reproduce the principal part. 

This advertisement has been forwarded to us by half a hundred cor- 
respondents who seem scandalised. So might we be, but for the 
hypothesis we have advanced. The Scotch Bible is published by Mr. 
Kennedy M'Nab, and he dates from Inverness. He solicits patron- 
age for his Book (we should take the liberty of using that translation 
of a word, the light use of which is unpleasing to the English mind, but 
the word is Bible throughout the advertisement), and the irreverence, 
if any, i3 not ours, and this is what he says : — 

" A copy has been presented to the Prince of Wales and the Princess Alex- 
andra— through Lord Shaftesbury— who have been graciously pleased— especially 
the Princess, that brightest of orbs in, lite firmament of living beauty— to express then- 
high admiration of it." 

Without pausing upon the delicate mixture of profanity, nonsense, 
and impertinence, which marks the reference to the Princess of 
Wales, we may just note that it is satisfactory to obtain such dis- 
tinguished approbation of the Scotch Bible. And as in Scotland, " high 
names" are still thought a good deal of, the publisher is happy to add 
that the work has — 

" Already been patronised by the high names of the Dukes of Hamilton, and 
Brandon, Argyll, Buccleucii, and Queensberry, Lord Foley, and a large 
number of noblemen and gentlemen." 

We hope the grammar of the volume is not akin to that of the adver- 

tisement. The book has been patronised by high names and by a 
number of noblemen. But now listen : — 

" I have now to state to you that these Bibles are necessarily most expensive, 
and only within the reach of those to whom its Great Author has given the 'sUver 
and the gold ' in abundance." 

Eh ? Dr. Candlish. This is a graceful and mosaic interweaving of 
scriptural and commercial language, and shall atone for the apparent 
defection of " its " from some friendly word abandoned. The price 
is high certainly, but as you say, Doctor, the book is dear to Scotland. 
Here, however, is the gem of the invitation: — 

" I appeal first for patronage to that bright galaxy, of more than Circassian beauty, 
those fairy forms, cast in celestial moulds, whose meeds of praise poetry itself faiis 
to find language to award — the Royal Bridesmaids." 

This is rude, M'Nab of Inverness. If you know anything except 
the art of Carney, you should be aware; that the height of Circassian 
beauty is Eatness. Do you meaa to say that the Princess's brides- 
maids were exceedingly fat ? Because we happen to know that this 
intimation is calculated to give great offence, and we recommend you 
instantly to write off to each of the ladies and retract and explain, or 
indeed you had better come up to Marlborough House and apply 
cannily and respectfully for an interview with the porter, and beg him 
to ask one of the footmen to request the butler to entreat the valet to 
signify to the lady's-maid to implore the lady-in-waiting to hint to the 
Princess, that you didn't mean to be rude to the Bridesmaids. You 
two have made a truly awful mess of it, M'Nab and Candlish. One 
insults the Queen, and the other the Bridesmaids. Well, you must 
get out of it as you can. Let us see whether M'Nab is luckier in his 
finish : — 

"X solicit the honour of each of their names for copies. I appeal next to the 
Royal rel itiv,-.H, .ui.l tin; nubility and gentry of the country. 

" Next, to a splendid array of, in most instances, self-made aristocracy — a class 
who have risen by their talents, energy, industry, and enterprise to the occupation 
of proud ami muntorious pnsitinns— the Lord-Mayors and Provosts, and Mayors and 
Provosts of towns, and their ladies and daughters. 1 ' 

Each of their names for copies. What do you mean, M'Nab ? That 
each will set down his name as that of the subscriber for a copy, or 
that you may have the names for your little boys to make copies thereof ? 
Explain yourself, man. But, man, you 're wide awake. We have 

Jolt 11, 1863.] 



been hitherto toadying the highborn and the great, now we'll just 
butter the low-born and the sell-made. " The self-made aristocracy." 
Ay, but we won't leave 'em humble. They have risen to "proud and 
meritorious positions," (what's a. meritorious position, M'Nab ?) and 
they are justly exalt.ed upon the lace of this world, and so are their 
" ladies." You couldn't say wives, of course. But the public at large. 
Won't you take in the public at large ? What for no ? 

" And lastly, to all who would wish to possess the most splendid edition of the 
Gospel oyer published. 

" None could preserve a better memorial of that unparalleled day of joy and 
rejoicing, the 10th of March, thau a copy of those unequalled editions of the Message 
of Marc j and Peace." 

Well, we like splendid editions, but we should also like to be cer- 
tified as to the contents of the volume. Because, profoundly as we 
admire Mr. M'Nab's style of composition, we should not care to 
pay very many guineas for a quantity of it. We should like Dr. Cand- 
lish to overhaul the book, and let us know what it is. We can only 
say that if it be tbe volume which is known and loved in England as 
the Bible, we are glud to believe that there is no English publisher, 
even in days when puffing is carried to excess, who would couple with 
the name of The Book a mass of coarse blarney, impudence, and pro- 
fanity. Lord Shaftesbury is a gentleman, pur sang. He now per- 
ceives the use that has been made of himself and his name, and will 
probably have something to say in the matter. Persons like Mr. 
M'Nab do morejinjury to the cause Lord Shaftesbury worthily 
upholds than Seven Essays and Reviews can do ; nay, seventy times 
seven. Was it a M'Nab that Burns saw on a lady's bonnet in church ? 
Pity it was not on her Bible, 


Thb respectable " Manhattan " is of opinion that, if " Jeff. Davis " 
would only "talk Union," the United States might be reconstituted 
under "Jeff." as President, vice Abraham Lincoln deposed. He 
thinks that would be a happy settlement of the Yankee difficulty. The 
solution thus described by the worthy who represents Northern public 
opinion in the Standard, bespeaks national sharpness, and may be con- 
sidered a bright idea. It is also contemplated as a possibility by Mr. 
Bright. That possibility is one of Mr. Bright's reasons why we 
should not recognise the South. Hear the Hon. Member for Birmingham 
—and Washington:— 

" Is it not possible that the Northern Government might be beaten in their 
military operations, and that, by their own incapacity, they might be so humiliated 
before their people that even what you call the peace party in the North, but which 
I say is in no sense a peace party, might unite with the South, and the Union be 
reconstituted on the basis of Southern opiuions ? " 

Mr. Bright differs from "Manhattan" in hoping that the possi- 
bility which he contemplates will not become an accomplished fact. 
Punch, however, would very much like to know whether, if the American 
Union could be restored on no other terms than friend " Manhattan's," 
friend Bright would not be glad to see those terms accepted, and the 
United States re-arranged upon a Southern basis under Jeff. Davis, 
comprising the old American institutions, slavery and all? 

Eut if friend Bright wishes, above all th'ugs, for the abolition of 
Negro slavery, he should flourish his broad-brimmed hat, and shout 

" Hooray for Secession ! " Because, if North and South were to 
become two nations, North would at least be able to hold its own, and 
would therefore of course repeal the fugitive slave-law. Where- 
upon all the niggers would incontinently run away, if they chose, and 
throw themselves into the arms of the Northern.citizens, which would 
doubtless be wide open to receive them. 

All that we now know is, that friend Bright would be glad to see 
the American Union restored with the North uppermost; but that, if it 
were restored, he would be sorry to see the South uppermost. Hear 
him again -. — 

" I have faith in the moral government of the vforld, and therefore I cannot 
believe that that will take place ; but if it were to take place, then the Union, with 
its great armies, its great navy, and its almost unlimited forces, might offer to drive 
the English out of Canada, the French out of Mexico, and whatever nations are in- 
terested in them out of the islands of the West Indies, and you would have a great 
State built up on slavery and war, instead of that other State to which I look, built 
up on an instructed people, on general freedom, and on morality in Government. 
{Oh! and cheer*)." 

No wonder that the collective wisdom cried " Oh ! " at the foregoing 
argument, and that the contrary element in the House of Commons 
exposed itself in clieers. Suppose, friend Bright, that we recognise 
the South, and tbat thereupon the Union is presently re-established, as 
you say, "on the basis of the South." Punch thinks, with you, that 
they would be likely enough to unite with the North in offering to 
drive us out of Canada. But do you think that they would be induced 
to join, rather than not to join, in that attempt to plunder us, by the 
remembrance of our having befriended them by recognition ? Do you 
believe that their ingratitude is so positive, and impulsive, and mad, 
that they would actually be disposed to resent, more higbly than they 
would resent indifference, the sympathy received by them, when it was 
asked for, at our hands ? 

On the other hand, suppose that the South caves in, or that the 
North succeeds in its design to exterminate its .Southern opponents. 
Considering the Yankees' present feeling towards us, do you think that 
the steadiest and most long suffering perseverance in our existing 
neutrality would abate by one jot their determination of taking the 
first opportunity to humble England and "punish John Bull at his 
door "—or his settlements in Canada or elsewhere P 

Pointing to the above-quoted examples of Mr. Bright's unreasoning 
eloquence, Mr. Punch could not help saying to his little boy, "Behold, 
my son, with how little wisdom an orator can harangue the House of 


Music and Cricket Combined.— The player should procure a copy of 
Lillywhite's Cricket Scotes. There the young amateur will discover, 
how by practising his scales every morning, he may ultimately succeed 
in making several good runs. The book is full of notes, and, beside 
the passages above mentioned, contains the reports of the speeches 
made by the M. C. C. on the subject of Cricket, which are really very 
good examples of Stump oratory. 

Mems for Cricketers.— The good player must never on any account 
lose his temper during a game; the moment-., the batsman is angry he 
will be put out. 

Aquatics.— July 16. In Southampton Water. Match between two 
Captains' gigs drawn by Sea Horses. 

Fishing. — We are sorry to announce to the Disciples of old Izaak, that 
there will be no fishing in Devonshire this year. Nearly every stream 
has been tnken up for brawling, and sentenced to be whipped. 

Lean Hook. — No, Sir, you cau't expect to catch many fish by trolling 
a ditty on the banks of a river. Troll one line of it, that '11 do. 

Pedestrianism. — Singular Match.— Jo Steppitt v. A Gentleman from 
Fleet Street. The race between these two men came off on Tuesday 
last. Ttiere were two Heats. In the first "Jo" ran the "Gentleman" 
on his legs. In the second he .ran him off his legs. The. latter exlii- 
bin'on was really remarkable. 

Two Correspondents write to inform us that they met Three Days 
Running. They neither say what was the race nor the_amount of the 

Rackets.— The Great Contest of the Season came off a few days ago 
at'Nottingham. The men of Notts played a Tie. 

Approaching Festivities. 

TnE Anniversary Fete of the Worshipful Company of Tanners will 
this year be held in Hyde Park. The first game for their children will 
of course be hide and seek. Two Policemen and a member of their 
own Society will keep the gates ; this guard is familiarly known as Two 
Bob and a Tanner. 

Rotal Riddle.— Who is, as a rule, the oldest Monarch in'existence ? 
TheKingol'H'eighty (Hayti). 


[July 11, 1863. 


Housemaid. " Jamis ! Don't you hear tour Libert Bell a-Rinqing?" 

Janus. " Bother the Libert Bell ! I ain't going to answer no Libert Bells— It 's mt Sunday out, and I 'm at Chuech 


The Secretary of the National Rifle Association having received 
notice that Eull Private Punch has been selected to represent his corps 
for (he Queen's Prize, begs to forward to him the following regulations 
for the Meeting at Wimbledon, on July 7, 1863, and to express his best 
wishes for P. P. P.'s success. 

1. Camp Orders— No one is to sleep in more than two tents at once. 
Snoring not allowed until 11 p.m , and then only in unison with the 
drone of the bagpipe which will give the key-note. The Camp Guard 
will be selected at 9 p.m. from those who can distinctly pronounce the 
countersign " Statistical Calculations." The Captain may not fall in 
with his men, but all must be on the ground at 10 p.m. The picket will 
reverse arms, sections outwards, dress by the right, and advance by 
subdivisions at the halt. A bath will be provided for each corps — pool 

i tickets sixpence each. Dinner at 6 p.m., including a haunch from the 

I "running deer," and two pulls at the Harrow Cup. 

I 2. Small Bore angulations— The following excuses for failure in 
shooting will be disregarded :— That the competitor forgot to clean 
his rifle, or to alter his sight, or to put iu a bullet, that he put two 
bullets in, that he had too long a walk, that he was shaken in a 'bus, 

] that he has no appetite, that he dined out and had too much— well- 
salmon, and had in consequence too high elevation, that just as he fired 

i the target suddenly took two paces " right close." That his rifle being 
left all night without a nose-cap, it took cold in the barrel, which no 
foresight could prevent. That he rammed down a Seidliiz powder by 
mistake, and swallowed a Government cartridge before breakfast. That 
he forgot to make proper allowance for the rotation of the Earth, the 
attraction of the Moon, and the idiosyncracy of the asymptote trajectory 
of the trygonometrical barometer.— N.B. No one is to take off his cap 
for a stripped bullet. 

3. In the Lords and Commons competition, any position will be 
allowed, but no motions or speeches. The Members will be selected 
by divisions, and in any disputes about the sights, the "ayes" have it. 
All complaints, including swollen right cheeks (Wimbledon mumps), 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn riae?, in It e Pariah St. P 
Whilefriors, < Hy of London, Piinters a' their Office in Lombard Street, in tl 
Cily.of London.— Saturday, July 11, 1SG3. 

are to be referred to the Secretary's knickerbockers. The Enfield 
pattern Government " gas-pipe" will be used by all light troops. One 
of the Council by rotation will take steps to provide a "running man" 
to be shot at. 

4. Ladies' Consolation Prizes. — Two shots at 880 yards for "a miss is 
as good as a mile." Competitors may go in for this in Hythe position, 
kneeling, and present arms ; but muzzle-stoppers are not allowed, or 
any salute except on duty and for a shootable match. 

In the case of Morrison v. Belcher, a British jury has decided it 
to be libellous to call Zadkiel an impostor— though libellous only t.> 
the damage of 20s. Morrison, alias Zadkiel, being under cross 
examination, a question was put to him by Mr. Serjeant Ballantink, 
touching a spirit which he asserted to have appeared in a crystal ball ; 
" a spirit," he said, " who called herself Eve." The following colloquy 
ensued on a remark made by the learned Serjeant :— 

" The Witness. She represented herself as Eve J 

"The Lord Chief Justice. How? Did they communicate by word of mouth? 
I thought it was all by way of vision." 

My Lud, your Ludship is about right. It must have been by way of 
vision, inasmuch as it was all my eye. 

Cynical Apology for Amateur Ambassadorship. 

Newfangled or not, I have done the right thing, 
So don't begin bawling mores, tempora ! 

If a Cat is permitted to Took at a King, 
A— Tear'em may surely wag tail at an Emperor. 

J. A. R. 

A New Party.— The wiseacres, who defend Captain Fowke's 
building and its site, are called " Zo6*o-Fowke-o.s." 

July 18, 1863. 



■: ry^i I .rtter:: 


Conductor (Setting down Two of his Passengers). " Change, Sir? Oh, I beg yer pardon, Sir, I took for Two! I thought this Young W( 

was along o' You, Sir ! " 



As lately sung at the M-n-s-n House, with great applause, by 
The Earl op D~by and Mr. Dis-a-li. 

B-by. My Lord Mayor, as our host, in proposing the toast 

Bis. Which you gave in so handsome a manner, 

D-by. A great honour you 've done us, and every one 

Bis. Underneath the Conservative banner. 

D-by. I receive it with pride, and my friend by my side 

Dis. Will concur in that just observation. 

D-by. I rejoice that we seem to have won your esteem, 

Bis. And have met with your kind approbation. 

D-by. That 's peculiarly sweet, coming after a treat 

Dis. Which has given us real enjoyment. 

D-by. Of a meeting like Ibis all the business is bliss ; 

Dis. 'Tis a truly delightful employment ! 

D-by. All the more, my Lord Mayor, relish we your good fare, 

Dis. That 'tis such a long while since we tasted 

D-by. Of official good things, that our maws famine wrings ; 

Dis. And your turtle-soup will not be wasted. 

B-by. 'Tis a bore, I will say, a severe trial, nay, 

Bis. Provoking, vexatious, annoying, 

B by. Out of luck to remain, so long forced to abstain 

Dis. From the fat you behold others cloying. 

B-by. Here have we had to wait, and in both Church and State, 

Bis. Every slice, large and small, see them carving, 

D-by. To explain our sad plight almost ready to write, 

Bis. Ou the floor of the House, " We are Starving." 

B-by. But our hunger, at least, has been stayed by a feast, 

Bis. Representing the goal of our wishes. 

B-by. For to what other end do we strive and contend 

Bis. Than the best of good liquors and dishes ? 

B-by. Thus divinely to eat, and to drink, would complete 
Bis. The content of our highest ambition, 
B-by. Did the Ministers share this repast, my Lord Mayor, 
Bis. And were we in their happy position. 


Monsieur Thalberg, Monsieur Thalberg, what are you about, 
Sir ? What d'ye mean by frightening us by letting it be advertised that, 
your performance at the Crystal Palace last week was your " farewell 
recital"? No doubt you love retirement, everybody does, but you 
have surely not the cruelty to think of it at present ? Your villa near 
to Naples is no doubt a sweet retreat, but to think of it at present 
would be simply villa-nous. Recollect, you have a duty to perform to 
the public, and the public will not let you off from your performance. 
While you give us so much pleasure, you must not consult your own : 
we love your play so much that we would always have you work at it. 
A few bars' rest is all that we can let you take ; or come, say a few 
mouths', if you really do require it. Yes, Halle is delightful, and so 
is Arabella ; but because a tart is swest, are we to have no turtle ? 
There is nobody to (ill your place, Sir, if you go : for nobody can make 
the piano sing as you can. A piano is to many a piano-forte-et-dure, 
an instrument of horribly excruciating torture. But in your hands a 
piano never can torment, it can only charm and gratify. With Miss 
Blank, and some few other hundred girls who shall be nameless, a piano 
is a box of tinkling jangling wires, which serve only to emit a stupid jig 
or senseless polka. With you it is for sweetness as the voice of Jenny 
Lind ; and for fire and force and fulness, as the orchestra of Mellon. 

So don't talk of retirement if you please, good Monsieur Thalbekg. 
It is a pleasure to hear you play, and we have not so many pleasures 
that we can well afford to lose one. And why should you retire ? There 
is no lack of life about you. Your right hand has not lost its cunning, 
nor your left one either— that is, if you have a left, which your playing 
makes one question. It is a tempting thing no doubt to try the Southern 
lazy-faire, and join the Naples lazyroni: but you must not think of 
leaving till the ladies give you leave, and, with Judy at their head, the 
ladies all protest they cannot part with you at present. 



[July 18, 1863. 


Monday, July 6. " Ha, ha ! Cured in an instant ! " Mr. Punch has 
not the faintest idea as to what he meant when he wrote the preceding 
sentence ; but he is quite certain that whatever it meant, it could have 
no reference to the fact that the Domes having been smashed, Mr. 
Gladstone snubbed, Mr. Disraeli shouted down, and the Rebellion 
settled, Lord Palmerston's slight indisposition vanished, and he was 
in his place again to-day. The phrase seems meaningless, but it may 
remain. No executions have followed the subsiding of the rebelliou, 
Lord Elcho has not been ordered to be shot by the English Eight at, 
Wimbledon, Mr. Henley has not been condemned to attend a series 
of Social Science Meetings at Exeter Hall, nor is Mr. Doulton to be 
drowned in the Thames over which there gently spreads the aroma 
from his potteries. It is to be hoped that this lenity on the part of 
Government will not be productive of ill effects, and we will accept the 
significant cheer which greeted the Premier as an indication that all 
persons concerned in the revolt have resolved to become good partisans 
for the future. 

The London, Chatham and Dover Railway is just now Everywhere. 
No matter into what out-of-the-way nook you go in the most distant 
recesses of the country, you find works which are expounded by a 
painted board to have connection with the L. C. and D. line. If. must 
be a very difficult and curious process to get from London to Chatham 
and Dover, and except that nobody in this world ever goes to Chatham 
who can help doiDg so, and that Dover is expressly made to be got 
away from as soon as possible (not the more slowly for the frantic 
charges at the hotels) one would exult in the engineering genius 
that is called out by the construction of the line. Among other dis- 
coveries the makers of the line find out the fact, that we cannot go to 
cheating Chatham and dear Dover without blocking up St. Paul's 
Cathedral. Of course, in these days, one would pull down Cathedral, 
Abbey, or Castle that in the slightest degree interfered with a railway 
conspiracy, and therefore it is matter of congratulation that St. Paul's 
is only to be secreted, not demolished. A mild attempt on the part of 
Alderman Sidney to get a hearing for the City of London on the 
subject was scouted indignantly. 

Lord Palmebston casually mentioned that the House did not desire 
to sit much beyond the end of the month. We should think not, and 
if it does, we shall not be detained by its desire. We shall close our 
record at what we consider the proper time, and simply remark, in the 
spirit of a song with which the late Mrs. Fitzwilliam, en garcon, 
amused us about ninety years ago :— 

'* The Lords and the Commons we '11 lay on the shelf, 
Fal a lal la, ah, fal a lal la, 

If you want any more you may sing it yourself, 
Fal a lal la, ah, fal a lal la." 

Touching Poland, the Premier was glad to be able to say, that 
England had adhered to her standing policy of not contracting pro- 
spective arrangements with regard to events which cannot be precisely 
foreseen. This means, in English, that if Prance goes to war with Russia, 
we are not bound to help Prance. 

Mr. Ayrton then came forth with the profane proposition to put an 
end to the Commissioners of the 1851 Exhibition. It is painful to have 
to advert to such irreverence, but duty before delicacy. We are there- 
fore reluctantly compelled to write, that Mr. Ayrton ridiculed the 
Commissioners and their doings, scoffed at Arcadia, sneered at the 
Boilers, abused the International, hinted at intrigues at which the 
House had, he said, manifested ' indignant disgust," and declared 
that as the Prince who alone of all concerned had really devoted himself 
to the promotion of Science and Art had passed away, the body over 
which he had presided (and Mr. Ayrton somehow introduced the 
word Parasites) was no longer to be tolerated. But the House was not 
in a humour to push victory to excess, and after a very short debate, 
Mr. Ayrton's proposition was negatived by 165 to 42. 

Lord Naas protested at great length against our proceedings in 

China. Mr. Seymour Fitzgerald dwelt with ability upon a question 

i which is of too much importance to be neglected, and which Govern 

j ments and Oppositions ought to consider apart from political questions, 

, namely the increase of Russian influence in the China seas and parts 

i adjacent. Lord Palmerston admitted that Russia had largely 

i encroached on Chinese territory, but said that Prance, Russia, and 

\ England were agreed on a policy. Does this mean that we are to 

| balance Russian encroachments by seizures of our own? Government 

of course, defended itself in regard to our assistance to the Imperials 

The worst of adhering to the Imperial is that it involves a Tip — eh, 

Mr. Chancellor of Exchequer ? 

Lord Palmerston, some little time back, you know, proposed 
to move two votes, one for the International, the other for Fortifica- 
tions. The first he thought so pressing that he caused his Lieutenant 
to ask it in the absence of his chief, which was done, with indifferent 
success. The second, being only a matter of national defence, his Lord 
ship kept until he could attend to it himself, as he did to-night, and 
with great ease obtained £650,000, for the defence of the dockyards and 

arsenals, for defending Dover and Portland, and for the creation of a 
Central Arsenal. 

Tuesday. Lord Normanby asserted that anarchy of the most horrible 
kind reigns in Greece. The Greeks do not appear to be in the most 
delightful state of contentment with their improved prospects, and that 
is the truth. 

We stated that when the Chancellor introduced his Bill for revising 
the Statute Law, we were so astounded at the magnitude of the work 
to be done as to be incapable of expressing our ecstasies. Being now 
a little better, thank you, we are happy to say that the Bill has been 
read a Second Time, and that there is good prospect of the Laws being 
boiled down into a decent dish of justice. Law is like spinach, and can 
lie in a very small compass, if you will take away the gammon. 

If Salmon is not sixpence a pound instead of half-a-crown, next 
season, we shall insist on the Irish Members being impeached for their 
incessant debates on the subject. Meantime Englishmen, as usual, are 
going practically to work while Irishmen talk. There are, thanks to 
Mr. Frank Btjckxand, very good Salmon in the Zaological Gardens, 
and we hope that ere long Salmon cutlets will be added to the very 
excellent refreshments obtainable there. 

Mr. Baillie Cochrane does not like the architecture of London, 
and wishes a permanent Bricks and Mortar Minister appointed instead 
of the Works. Mr. Cowper declared that he was excessively perma- 
nent, at least that his office was, and that its duties were excellently 
performed. The House was with him by 116 to 24. 

Lord A. Churchill introduced a Bill (not to be considered this 
year) for settling the Church-rate question by abolishing penalties for 
non-payment. Alderman Sidney justly and wittily remarked, that 
Churchill's proposal was enough to make the Church ill. 

It was being explained how infamously the Indian Government had 
treated His Highness Azeem Jah, of the Carnatic, when the House, 
uuable to bear the recital of his wrongs, was Counted Out. 

Wednesday. The House of Commons was creditably occupied. A 
Bill, promoted by Mr. Paull, for preventing the murder of small birds, 
was read a Second Time. The idiotic persons who shoot these useful 
little creatures, and the execrable blockheads who poison them, are 
doing more mischief to agriculture than can easily be imagined. The 
better class of farmers repudiate the practice of slaughter, but it is the 
stupid jackass who plugs up live mice in trees, won't plough on a 
Friday, nails a horse-shoe over his door, burns a calf to cure disease in 
his cattle, thinks the Census unlucky, and refuses to make agricultural 
returns, who kills the little birds, and grins approvingly when the 
Sparrow Club vaunts, over gin-and-water, of its cowardly murders. 
Nothing but the law, and a good kick, can persuade such folks that 
Providence did not send birds to do good. A clergyman at Worthing 
says that the miscreants in that demoralised region killed 13,800 gold- 
finches in one year. Government is in favour of the Bill, and so is Mr. 
Sclater-Booth, who is related to the excellent Secretary to the 
Z. G., and talks with authority upon ornithology. 

Lord Raynham, who is always trying to do kind things, moved the 
Second Reading of a Bill for putting an end to the brutalities we read 
of as perpetrated upon the " Casual Poor." He wishes to constitute a 
tribunal for helping the helpless. Sir Baldwin Leighton talked 
nonsense against it, as might be expected, and Mr. Ayrton made a 
remark which is worth notice. He was obliged to Lord Raynham 
" for sparing the Metropolitan Members an invidious ta^k." That is, 
the Metropolitan Members do not like to offend Bumbledom. Imagine 
gentlemen afraid of Beadles ! The Bill was generally approved, but 
was withdrawn for amendment of detail. 

Then, in opposition to the Government, which is now regularly 
defeated at least once a week, and sometimes oftener, Mr. Laird 
carried by 119 to 44, majority 75 against the Ministry, a Bill for com- 
pelling the Mercantile Marine to test the anchors and chain cables used 
on board merchant ships. Of course the measure was "arbitrary," 
and "interfered with business," and "imposed new duties on the 
Board of Trade," and was " unwarrantable," and all the rest of the 
cant, but the House thought that the lives of merchant-sailors were 
worth looking after. 

Thursday. Those two Ionian Judges have persuaded our own elegant 
ex-CHANCELLOR Chelmsford that they have got a grievance, and he 
was eloqueut to-night about their dismissal, and demanded papers. The 
Duke of Newcastle thought that their friends would have doue more 
wisely in abstaining from such a demand, but Lord Derby, having a 
little surplus Latin left over from Oxford, let it off at the Minister, and 
the papers were granted. 

The Premier is vigorous about his Fortifications, and to-night 
moved the Second Reading of his Bill. Mr. Cobden made a speech 
against the scheme, and begged Lord Pam to answer him with reasons 
and not with jokes. Mr. Osborne, therefore, was justified in taking 
up the funny view of the case, and did so, and in reference to the Pre- 
mier's power of controlling the tempestuous spirits in the House, 
called him jEolus. Lord C. Paget, the once declamatory naval re- 
former, ridiculed the " cheese-paring "policy of economy, and Mr. 
Newdegate seriously complimented the Liberals on being emancipated 

Jolt 18, 1863.] 



from its thraldrom. JSoltjs Pam of course stood to his guns in every sense, and 
showed that he was ruler of the wind by again getting a vote for raising it to 
the tune above noted— division 132 to 62. 

The Bill for selling the Chancellor' s little church livings was read a Second 
Time by a large majority, but Mi. Barnes, who had some muddled ideas about 
Simony, declaimed against the wickedness of the measure. Mb. Walpole, how- 
ever, who is a safe guide in such matters, expounded to Barnes that he was talking 

Then the Irish Fishmongers actually brought up a mass of new alterations 
in the Salmon Bill, whereat, the weather being hot, and Mr. Punch's temper a little 
aggravated, he snatched up his hat and declared that he would not come back to 
the House until those everlasting fishes were finally fried. Next day he went 
off to Anerley, on a Wajz-goose chace, and has no idea of what was done on the 
Friday, and what 's more, doesn't care. 



The Pope might indeed lead a happy life if he would only accept the very 
pleasant situation proposed for him in a pamphlet said to have been written by one 
of the new members of the French Ministry. According to a contemporary: — 

of M. Duruy, if he really be the author, is that the Pope, ' freed from all tem- 
poral cares,' "should sit radiant and venerated at the Vatican, encircled by the invisible guard of 
Europe, and the respect and love of 200,000,000 of men, and should receive from Catholic Europe a 
civil list to be expended in ' holy works and in religious ceremonies.' " 

Sitting " radiant and venerated at the Vatican," the Pope would surely occupy 
a seat more comfortable than that afforded by the Chair of Petee, supported by 
bayonets, on which it cannot rest steady, even if their points do not stick up through 
the cushion. What mortal in his senses can desire more than to be " freed from 
all temporal cares," and allowed money enough to spend in his own way ? " Do you 
want to be a haingel ? " said a costermonger to his wife, who had been drunk for 
three consecutive days, and was still unsatisfied. Does his Holiness, too, wish to be 
an angel ? Well, but if he does, under what conditions would he be more likely to 
attain to angelic beatitude than those of freedom from all temporal cares, and 
an ample subsidy to devote to pious uses ? How much better to sit radiant and 
venerated at the Vatican than to squat there gloomy and groaned at, and to expe- 
rienoe the respect and love of 200,000,000 men instead of being regarded by the 
great majority of them with opposite sentiments ! Let the Holy Father adopt 
the proposal ascribed to M. Duruy, cry Pax Fobiscum ! to the Italian people, and. 
suiting the action to the word, put the pipe of peace in his mouth, and blow fragrant 
clouds instead of sulphurous excommunications. He has only to tear up the tem 
poral part of his tiara, and, added to a sufficiency of birds'-eye or returns, put that 
into his pipe and smoke it. 


By Schoolmaster Punch. 

Come, you little British Blockhead, 
Come you here and stand by me ' 

And your blockhead shall be knocked 
If you don't attend, you see. 

You shall count your coins and treasures 
Weigh your goods, and sell your land 
y w,? ^? tnc Wei S ht 3 and Measures, 
Which I'll make you understand. 

'Twere beginning in the wrong key 
lo explain the System's use ; 

£ ar ? much to ° great a don key, 

Much too bigoted a goose. 
You shall learn it, and hereafter 

When you find what toil it saves, 
You will say, with scornful laughter, 

That its foes were fools or knaves. 

First, for Length. Now mind. The Unit 

Is the Metre, a Gallic term : 
Best for English tongues to tune it 

Into Meter, round and firm. 
'Tis ten millionth of the distance 

From th' Equator to the Pole : 
Astronomical assistance 

Measures ribbons— ain't it droll ? 

With this word we make formation 

Of Long Measure— here 's your guide, 
Greek precedes Mul-ti-pli-ca-tion : 

Latin tells you to Divide. 
"lis so easy, British Blockhead ; 

When you come to make it out 
You'll be most severely shocked 

At your present blethering rout. 

Now, our pearl of Bricksiwicksies, 

As Paul Bedfoed would remark, 
You must learn the Greek prefixes, 

Greek, our bloater, what a lark ! 
Beca (ten times) put to Meter, 

And Ten Meters you '11 express, 
Hecto next observe, you creetur, 

Makes a hundred meters— yes. 

Kilometer, that 'a a thousand : 

Myria makes ten thousand. See? 
Come, my British Blockhead, rouse and 

Show your mental energy. 
Now we '11 take and try Divisi' n n ; 

Here the words we Latinis< 
For Divide and conquer is an 

Ancient Latin saying wise. 

For a tenth part of a meter 

Beci-mettr you must say. 
Centi-mtter (what is neater ?) 

Doth a hundredth part convey. 
Then a thousandth comes with milli — 

There, you 've got it neat and pat, 
Don't you think the folks are silly 

Who make faces over that ? 

More to-day I will not ask you 

In your knowledge-box to stow, 
For I would not over-task you, 

Little British Blockhead, no. 
But we '11 have the Metric system, 

Punch has sworn it, by bis hunch, 
And the folks who dare resist him, 

Shall be trampled down by Punch. 

Some Persons are never Contented. 

" No, Sir, I shan't subscribe to your Sick Fund any 
longer. Here I have been subscribing for the last eighteen 
years, and I haven't derived the slightest advantage from it 
yet. You must excuse me, Sir, but I object to belong 
any longer to a Society in which the advantage is all upon 
one side." 

(Passenger in Train, v:ho naturally 
should be put in the Van. ) 

Stupid Old Lady (Dashing out of the Carriage). 



to having a nasty, odoriferous, useless pet dog in the carriage, suggests to the Quard that the. animal 
Did it, then, a Darling ! a Pretty Sweet ! — did it get into a Carriage 



The Season on its lees begins to settle, 

London has well-nigh blown its annual bubbles : 
Chap'rons look stale, swells flat and out of mettle ; 

Mi P.'s begin to dream of moors and stubbles : 
July for once has our damp island treated 

To that rare joy, a midsummer sensation, 
No wonder John and Mks. Bull are seated 

In close and conjugal confabulation. 

All 's smooth and square in their snug chimney-corner ; 

John has a handsome balance at his bankers : 
For Mus. B., years scarce seem to have worn her, 

Though John has bad his tantrums, life its cankers; 
They look the model of a cozy couple, 

As they sit there, serene, dismissing worries, 
Maps out— for John wisely scorns couriers supple — 

And an immense array of red-bound Murrays, 

Discussing that great question of the Season 

Which now Pater-familias holds with Mater, 
" Where shall we go ? "—to stay at home is treason, 

So fashion has decreed, the Bulls' Dictator. 
For though one swallow does not make a summer, 

Each summer among us makes many a swallow, 
Till British goer elbows British comer, 

On every road, sea, mountain-height, and hollow. 

Mr. and Mrs. Bull their mans have tumbled, 
Run through the whole of Murray's hand-book series ; 

At Mrs. B.'s plans John has duly grumbled, 
And Mrs. B. duly pooh-poohed her deary's. 

" Where shall we go ? " Boars Mr. B. to Missus, 
" One always doubts, but this year I 've no notion : 

To run one's nose in rows is injudicious, 
Yet everywhere here 's trouble or commotion. 

" Here 's France sets up her back in opposition, 

And hints that there are limits to dictation ; 
The Rhine might bring one on an expedition, 

Going for an idea, and an-nexation ; 
Even Prussia looks a kicker : takes to shying, 

At Bockum Dollfs his hat, or William's crown; 
While her drill-sergeant King at Carlsbad 's trying 

If Bad Kur can bad government wash down. 

" Switzerland 's quiet, but the Alpine Club 

For their staff-quarters have absorbed Helvetia ; 
One would like Italy— but there 's the rub, 

Mazzini 's making mischief in Venetia : 
As for the South, Naples is pleasant quarters, 

(When it ain't too hot, and there 's ho scirocco) 
But then the brigands — think of catching Tartars 

Like Tristany, or being croaued by Crocco. 

" In Austria, matters do seem looking better, 

But she's ringed round with fires she cannot smother; 
And people who 've freed one leg from the fetter, 

Will grow impatient to release the other. 
Russia 's a country where e'en summers freeze, 

And near the Poles one's self one can't trust fully; 
Bull's dander needs must rise whene'er he sees 

A little 'un standing up to a big bully. 

July 18, 1863.] 


" The East lias been the fashion since Eothen, 
* But towards the East the sky is looking murky, 
With Servians, Roumans, such a state of growth in, 

Who knows when they may ask to carve the Turkey ? 
As that 's a task John Bull don't mean to trust 

To any knife and fork— except his own, 
It 's very awkward, yet one really must 

Teach these boys Turkey 's to be let alone. 

" There 's Athens— after all the pains we 've taken 

To get a husband for old Madam Greece, 
One hoped to find th' Acropolis unshaken, 

Her bonds at par, her Chambers charmed to peace ; 
But now the crown I had reset and polished, 

And to find wearers for myself did tire, 
She seems inclined once more to get demolished ; 

Greece is still Greece— the fat is in the fire ! 

" If one had thought, by Speke and Grant new fired 

In Africa to risk one's constitution, 
Here 's Madagascar, by the West inspired, 

Must have her black (if not red) Revolution. 
In vain the mild-eyed missionaries went hence, 

In vain French polish shone to give her light ; 
Radama 's doomed by Radamanthine sentence, 

And all our washing hasn't made black white. 

" Time was when the Old World was in solution, 

That one had gone for firm ground to the New ; 
But now debt, civil-war, and Bevolution, 

The many rule as they ne'er ruled the few. 
The North and South with red hands and black scowls, 

After a fierce attempt at mutual throttle, 
Both breathless stand, and each at England scowls, 

Because for neither she will hold the bottle. 

" So glancing o'er the Old World and the New, 

Where'er as tourists we 've been used to roam, 
I really think the wisest thing to do, 

Is, for this once, my dear, to Stat at Home. 
H our hotel-keepers will not go over 

The highest charge that John Bull's purse can stand, 
Who knows, but something, dear, we might discover 

To int'rest us, e'en in our native land ? " 


Calm, peaceful, placable, charitable, ever eager to believe the very 
best of everybody, Mr. Punch, as may have been remarked, scarcely 
ever finds fault with anything, and almost invariably suggests some 
pleasant solution of the most apparently unpleasing state of affairs. 
Any kind of atonement is enough for him, and had he lived in the old 
days, and been the patron of the Abbey that was burned one night by a 
nobleman residing at a neighbouring castle, Count Punch would in- 
stantly have accepted the celebrated apology and explanation, that the 
nobleman would not have burned the Abbey if he had not thought that 
the Bishop was inside it. 

Sometimes, however, in dealing with noblemen and others, Mr. 
Punch's pacific subtlety is considerably taxed, and he has to think 
three or four times, and even take his coat off to think the harder, 
before he can effect a perfect accommodation between words and ideas. 
He owns, (for he loves to take the public into his confidence) that he 
has had some difficulty of the kind in reference to a portion of the con- 
tents of a pamphlet which is before him, which is written by Mr. 
Ltjmley, formerly of Her Majesty's Theatre, and which is published 
by Messrs. Bosworth and Harrison, 215, Regent Street. 

This pamphlet professes to give an account of the connection between 
Mr. Lumley, and a nobleman who used to be called Lord Ward, and 
who was made Earl of Dudley by the Ministry, not, as was meanly 
suggested, because his large property gives him great influence at 
certain elections (for Peers are not allowed by law to interfere at elec- 
tions), but, Mr. Punch is sure, because he must have been a very wise 
and clever and statesmanlike nobleman, and if his modesty prevented 
this fact from being generally known, it was the more incumbent upon 
the Minister of the Crown to recognise merits of which the people were 
not aware. This is rather a long sentence. 

Now Mr. Punch is not going into the details set out by Mr. Lumley. 
They are interesting to all who are interested in operas and noblemen, 
and the pamphlet is not dear. Mr. Lumley virtually " made " the 
opera at Her Majesty's Theatre, and Lord Dudley is the landlord of 
that establishment, and it may be supposed to have been largely bene- 
fited by the reputation obtained for it by Mr. Lumley. When the 
latter wished to take some benefits, and the Marchioness Piccolomini 
good-naturedly offered to come from Italy, and perform what she con- 
siders singing for the director who had introduced her to the tolerant 

English, Her Majesty's Theatre seemed the place where the little lady 
should be heard. Its excellent manager, Mr. Mapleson, offered the 
house, but, says Mr. Lumley, " the world knows that to Lord 
Dudley s interposition it is due that the present lessee of his Lord- 
ship's Opera House was deterred " from performing the promise to lend 
the theatre. Mr. Lumley thinks himself ungraciously and ungratefully 
treated, and composes his " Narrative of Pacts." He sends a copy to 
Lord Dudley, whose solicitor impeaches the accuracy of the narrative 
and protests against the publication. Mr. Lumley's solicitor declares 
that its contents were all supported by documents, and asks what 
special statements were denied. The answer is that the inaccuracies 
are too numerous to be entered upon seriatim, but— 

" I may notice that the idea that the Earl contemplated becoming the director of the 
Theatre, or of carrying it on in conjunction with Mr. Lumley, or any other person, ifl 
not true." * 

Well, if the idea is not true, it is an untrue idea, but the idea of the 
public as to what the Earl's Contemplations were may be crystallised by 
the following extracts from letters signed " Ward." The nobleman I 
writes to Mr. Lumley in April, 1853 :— 

" Witlty Cowrt, Friday. 
Drning, telling me what you 

" My dear Sir, 

" I was much obliged by your letter of this 
had done. 

" Pdzzi having accepted the post of director for this year, it is but just to him, 
that he should know for whom, he is acting, and set him to work with vigour. 

" Give orders that the Theatre should be put in order, and let us at least, as far 
as depends upon ourselves, be ready to redeem the time that is lost. 

" But recollect nothing is settled absolutely, till I have seen you again, which I 
will look forward to doing to-morrow. 

" I will send a carriage to Droit wich to wait for you by whatever train you come, 
and / loill have the announcement ready for Monday morning, if only our principals 
have accepted the first mention made to them of an engagement, as it would be 
ridiculous to find ourselves the happy possessors of a lease without a troop." 

Ordinary readers may think that this reads very like the letter of a 
nobleman who is the director of a theatre, and is giving instructions to 
his sub-director. And in another letter, the nobleman may seem to be 
entering still more minutely into details, and engaging his company, 
and cleaning up his house : — 

" Dear Sir, — After our last conversation, you will doubtless be surprised to re- 
ceive this communication from me, but I do not think matters are at an end as to 
opening Her Majesty's Theatre this year even now. Viardot has consented to the 
terms proposed on the part of his wife, and it is only Gardoni and Morelli who 
make difficulties about terms. 

" To-morrow, however, I must settle the matter one way or another, as I cannot 
live on in this uncertainty, as it interferes with all my plans. 

" Will you kindly write me out the names of the heads of each department, where 
they are to be found, and their last year's salaries. 

"If, too, in a quiet way, you can tell Fish to make any preparations in the Theatre, 
I wish you would do so ; it will not entail much expense, and will put u» in a better 
position if we do open. 

" Where is Corbari, and is she free? We must have a second soprano. I will 
come to Spring Gardens to-morrow as soon as I arrive." 

Now Mr. Punch owns, as he said before, that he has had hard work 
to reconcile the nobleman's letters with the statement of his solicitor. 
How anybody could show himself more resolved to be an acting and 
active director than the writer of such letters, it is really difficult to 

But the explanation must be effected, the problem must be solved. 
Lord Punch is himself a nobleman, and is interested for the honour of 
his order, in which he begs most distinctly to state for the information 
of mankind, that no unworthy conduct is ever tolerated. Truth, can- 
dour, generosity, are among the attributes of the Peerage, or Lord 
Punch would turn his coronet into a basket for his under-housemaid's 
black-lead brushes. Noblemen never say that which is not. 

He has done it ! Eurekat, as the Morning Advertiser wrote, or, as a 
certain M.P. said, " we have discovered the eureka." 

Lord Dudley is not the same person as Lord Ward. He has 
been changed. Very wonderful things do happen in aristocratic families, 
and this must have been one of them. Who 's who, or which is what 
we don't pretend to say. But, Aristocrat to the marrow, Mr. Punch 
denies that the noble who wrote those letters could have been the one 
who ordered the contradiction. But then comes another question : 

" Who is Lord Dudley ?" 

Echo made such an excessively rude answer that we decline reporting 
it. Enough that we have saved the honour of the Peerage. 

A Shining Light in Scotland. 

Dr. Candlish has published an apology for the impudence with 
which he pronounced a canting criticism of the text from the Apocrypha 
placed by the Queen on the Prince Consort's monument at Balmoral. 
The apologetical remarks of Candlish are, as might be expected, 


The other day, a Housemaid, having finished her dusting, in the 
house, was observed, from the sea-shore, to be sweeping the horizon 
with a glass. 



[July 18, 1863. 


Y chance we saw the 
following delightful 
advertisement in a 
Dublin newspaper : 



ceived into the Church 
of the Society of Friends, 
but in consequence of 
which he will lose his 
situation, as it is con- 
nected with the Church 
of England. He has a 
most respectable ap- 
pearance and pleasing 
address; is of most 
sober and agreeable 
habits ; has never tasted 
intoxicating liquor, nor 
smoked a cigar or pipe, 
and can give most re- 
spectable references in 
the city : he also is 
highly educated, and 
would be found pecu- 
liarly active at any light 
business ; wages not to 
be compared to respec- 
table employment; he 
would enter without 
mention being made of 
salary till such time as 
his employer might 
judge him worthy of such. Address A. C, Office of this Paper. 

This announcement does not seem to call for any remarks, and 
therefore we will make a few upon it. Our Intending Quaker clearly 
possesses one merit which ought to recommend him to the Friends. 
He is not only respectable, and sober, and pleasing, but he is also 
Prudent. His conscience orders him to quit the Church of England, or 
rather of Ireland (perhaps he has been converted by the auti-Irish- 
Church preaching of the Reverend Burn-all Osborne) but he has his 
body to think of as well as what he would probably call his sowl, and 
he will not give up one faith until he sees his bread and butter in 
another. We must take his own word for his " high education," inas- 
much as its hoigth would be computed with difficulty from an ordinary 
grammatical level, but grammar is not indispensable in a society wherein 
he will be asked, "What did thee do when thee had done?" He 
should not have said that he had never tasted spirits or tobacco, as he 
offers a temptation to any worldly-minded shopmen who may be in his 
future employer's service to lure the pleasing young man into trying 
either or both, and if they succeed, his pleasing address will be some- 
what impaired, temporarily. It would be a sad thing to hear him offer 
to punch his employer's head, and say, " If— hie — thee don't shut thy 
mouth I'll— hie— knock thy broadbrim into a— hie— cocked-hat and— 
hie — make thee look nine ways for First-Day ." As for his offer to 
work without pay, he appears to know his own value in other respects, 
so has probably estimated his services correctly, and we fear the young 
man of 28 (logo's age) is a bit of a humbug. But there are other 
humbugs in the world besides A. O, which may mean Asinus Canter, 
and so we wish all the luck he deserves to an Irish Quaker of the 



Cricket.— Matches to come.— Among these the one that is attracting 
most attention is the— 

Midland Harleqttins v. Mr. Tom Matthews' Eleven. 

Mr. T. M., the celebrated Clown, is doing his best to collect a first- 
rate team, and thus ensure success. The list at present stands as 
follows :— 

Mr. Tom Matthews's Eleven. 

A Tall Policeman, ten feet high, with practicable head to come off 
when hit by the ball. 

Nursery Maid, with baby to be taken out of perambulator, and thrown 
at Pantaloon instead of Cricket ball. 

Civil Shopkeeper, who, during the game, will keep perpetually bowing, 
smirking, slapping his hands and pockets to indicate that he wishes lor 
money, shaking his fist slowly and cunningly, and then running off in 
different directions after imaginary thieves. 

A Haberdasher, Mr. Linsey Wolsey, to be tripped up by Clown 
whenever he appears. 

Two Sprites in Tights, to mount upon me another's shoulders, and 
fetch the ball when it 's thrown too high. 

Pantaloon, as Wicket Keeper, to stand with his knees bent and his 
spectacles just above the bails saying querulously, " I don't see the 
ball' whereupon he will straightway receive it violently on his nose • 
after which the bowler, Mr. H. Bowleno, will say, " Now then ! look 
out, can't yer ! What d'yer git in the way for ! " 

The remaining places have not yet been filled up. Preparations are 
being continued upon a grand scale. The ground has been selected and 
several pantomimists under the guidance of the Clown are daily engaged 
in rubbing the entire field over with lard, butter, and other greasy 
substances, so that the boys and men with trays and baskets full of 
eatables may fall down without any difficulty. 

A full band has been engaged, and during the entire match will play 
the well-known Christmas air, " Rum tiddley urn. tiddley urn, tidum, 
ti dum ti diddley," &c., without once leaving off. The players will 
speak through the music. Every Cricketer is requested to bring his 
own warming pan and red-hot poker. We look forward to this match 
with interest. 

Hants v. Huncles. 
Brother Ignatius's Elevens. The Jaunting Car-melites." 

The Astrological Match is to be arranged by ZiDKiEL; bowling with 
the Crystal Ball. The result of each innings will be announced before- 

Aquatics.— The. Commodore of the Royal Thames Yacht Club will 
deliver a lecture upon Sailing. During his discourse he will illustrate 
his remarks by rounding a point in a sentence. 

Riding and Driving .—Beginners should allow horses to have their 
own way ; that you may not thwart the animal, never " cross " him 
unless you can ride very well. 

Archery.— Ladies are now looking after their bows with a view to 
future rings. Prudent Mammas who allow their daughters to belong 
to Archery Clubs, advise them to aim at the gold. We may shortly 
look for some good matches, which will be duly reported. 



(Said or Sung by Lord Derby.) 

How sweet is the charm of a shady retreat ! 

How soft is the grass that grows under your feet ! 

How delightful the joy of which " nobody knows ! " 

And the thoughts how sublime, which lie " Under the Rose." 

The Whigs they may fancy they (govern the State, 
To the world they may seem to prevail in debate ; 
But now is the season the truth to disclose — 
It is I who am Minister " Under the Rose." 

And yet I have friends, who do not seem to see 

How great is the gain, of not seeming to be 

The controllers of all, and who wish to expose 

The schemes they 've been cherishing " Under the Rose." 

Well perhaps it is time now, to play my own suit, 
And to let Dizzy's teeth fasten into the fruit ; 
But for you, my Lord Mayor, you 've a right to suppose 
I shall still be a Minister " Under the Rose." 


Will any Scottish friend send us the name of the parish where this 
scene is recorded (in a Scotch paper) to have lately occurred ?— 

'* In a Fifeshire church, a pewowner, on finding his seat occupied by a tradesman 
of the place, seized him, and after a struggle in which a Bible was used as a weapon 
of offence, the assailant was worsted, and took his seat elsewhere. At the termi- 
nation of the service a fight again ensued." 

This must be a lively place, wherever it is. Walter Scott has a 
scrap of an old song about a certain parish where tliey "hangitthe 
minister, stickit the precentor, burnt tbe kirk, and drunk the bell," and 
slily adds that he should like to have known a little of people who were 
not entirely without wise instincts. We own that (from the gallery) 
we should like to have one look, just one, at these devout Fifers. Song 
records several odd things about " Fife folk," male and female, and this 
battle certainly deserves to fkure in minstrel annals. The affair must 
surely have come off in the Free (and Easy) Kirk, unless it was in the 
U. P. or Unco Pugilistic. In Erastian England a carnal institution 
called a Beadle would have prevented this stimulus to the devotions of 
a congregation, but we agree with Dr. Candlish that " the Bible that 
Scotland loves " ought to be used in any way she likes, and we only 
hope, in the interest of humanity, that this one which descended on a 
combatant's head was not loaded with the Apocrypha. The parties are 
worthy followers of John Knocks. 

July 18, 1863.] 



he truth of the saying, that 
there is a time and a place for 
all things is exemplified by 
the subjoined item of the past 
week's news :— 

" Anniversary of American 
Independence.— On Saturday last 
this anniversary was celebrated in 
London in the usual manner. 
The office of the consulate was 
closed ; the flag of the United 
States was hoisted on the summit 
of the buildings, and a large num- 
ber of American gentlemen dined 
together in the evening. The 
ships belonging to Northern ports 
now lying in the docks were gaily 
decorated in commemoration of 
the occasion." 

The time for celebrating 
the anniversary of American 
Independence is of course 
the Fourth of July. The 
place of all places out of the 
Southern States was, on this 
last occasion, certainly Lon- 
don. Here at least our 
Northern guests are not 
fighting to keep the South- 
erners under the domination 
of Abraham Lincoln, as 
our forefathers fought to re- 
tain American colonists sub- 
ject to that of George the 
Third. Within the limits of 
this metropolis and this king- 
dom, at any rate, they are not 

exhibiting a spectacle of inconsistency marvellous in the eyes of almost everybody 

but Messrs. Bright & Cobden. 
There was also something peculiarly graceful in celebrating "Independence 

Day " in London. " The Britishers whipped all the world, and we whipped the 

Britishers" used to be the established formula of Yankee self-glorification. It is 

the Yankees' belief that they accomplished their secession 
from England by simple conquest ; triumphant superiority 
in arms. To hold the anniversary of successful insurrection, 
not to say rebellion, in the very den of the British Lion, 
treading on his tail, and gently poking him with a playful 
boot-tip, is to compliment that noble animal with credit for 
some magnanimity. The British residents in Paris would 
hardly have the confiding generosity, and the taste, in like 
manner to celebrate the return-day of the Battle of 
Waterloo in the French capital. 

We pause here to ask, whether the Confederates do 
not, as they reasonably may, repeat the Yankee boast above- 
quoted with brag additional ? Have they not begun to say, 
" The Britishers whipped all the world, the Yankees whipped 
the Britishers, and we whipped the Yankees ? " Not yet, 
perhaps. Averse to indulgence in premature exultation 
they may reserve that saying for Independence Day No. 2. 

The foregoing paragraph informs us that on Saturday last 
the flag of the United States was hoisted on the summit 
of certain buildings. Shouldn't it have been hoisted half- 
mast high ? 


Old Hohenzollern, whither away ? 
What are you shouldering yonder, I pray ? ' ' 
What are those things that you 've got in your creels ; 
Ends hanging out of them ? Sausages ? Eels ? 

Hohenzollern. ' 
Viscera, inwards, intestines ; a name 
Shorter they have, which my lips need not frame, 
You know what, Polanders,' delicate fare. 
I am carrying them to the Muscovite Bear. 

Old Hohenzollern, hie thee away ! 
DoiDg that office which, some people say, I 
You are not fit to perform to a bear. 
When they told me so, I said that you were ! 


" Ojawaway, the Soft-Buffalo, Chief of the North American Indian 
Association for preventing the Massacre of Milliners, to the Presi- 
dent of the Royal Society for the prevention of Cruelty to Animals, 
and all else whom it may concern. 

" Guardian of the Goad ! 

" We the Soft-Buffalo and our compatriots in mercy-loving 
council assembled, have heard with wonder and dismay that a custom 
hath grown up, among your generous but unreflecting Islanders, of 
sacrificing yearly an indefinite but considerable number of youthful 
Milliners. When garlands decorate the shows of May-Fair— when 
the Millionnaire's Squaw blazing in gems defiant, hastens to salute with 
grateful lips the benignant hand of Royalty— when the robe of the 
roseate Mayor is in a perpetual flutter of loyal expectation, that is your 
chosen Season of Sacrifice ! Strange people ! polished and as myste- 
rious as Japan. 

" Our ancestors, President, were reproached by yours, and justly so, 
as we confess with burning shame, for their barbarities in war. Hate 
now is melted into sorrow. No longer we take delight in lifting hair. We 
have buried the tomahawk, and for the seal ping-knife united in holy wed- 
lock to the juicy haunch of Bison, it is devoted to noble and hospitable 
purposes. It has been your mission, Womanlike Eritannia, to teach 
us humanity to our captive Braves. Be it our mission to beseech you 
to bestow some thoughtfuluess and care upon your gentle and ingenious 
slaves. It is well, Benefactor of Badgers, that animals canine and 
feline— bovine and porcine, should be protected by liberal donations from 
the wanton malice of reason-gifted brutes ; but it is not well, Parent 
of Fashionable Daughters, that the tender girl of lithe frame and palpi- 
tating heart should be condemned to languish and die for lack of vital 
air. It is well, Albion, you sing of chivalry, but it is not well that your 
famed chivalry should pale before and stand aghast at avid Gentile and 
ungrammatic Jew. We have ameliorated our military code— go ye and 
do likewise with your court millinery. 

" Champion of Calves and lover of your species, you will rejoice to 

hear that we, now sojourning by the mighty Ohio, have organised a 

mission of young Indians renowned for eloquence and pluck to work out 

a grand Belgravian reformation. As true knights-errant they will rest 

: not till they have slain the false Ogre of Economy by whom sedentary 

damsels in distress are cunningly confined in boxes and destroyed with 
carbonic gas. They will preach in every Aristocratic Square that 
patience more becomes a Duchess than her plumes. They will picture 
to expectant debutantes a Drawing-room filled not with vases but with 
urns— they will tell how ready human nature is at making slips, but 
that many weary hours are needed to finish furbelows and elaborate a 
train, and they will warn the exigeante Beauty that by hurrying the 
thread of labour, she may snap the thread of life ! 

" But, Apologist of Jibbers and Advocate of Screws, if those we send 
as guides should be themselves misled ! What assurance have we, 
that Hymen will not erect an altar where Plutus fell, and that in 
seeking to secure freedom for others, our young men may not them- 
selves be led into fatal dalliance with a golden hoop. Though versed 
in martial tactics may they not possibly be circumvented by the 
manoeuvres of mercenary Mammas? Keep vigilant watch then, 
Supervisor General of Thongs, over thy coquettish Countesses, lest our 
impassioned but unwary emissaries, be lured from the rugged path of 
benevolence into the orange groves of matrimony. Remind each fair 
and fast Diana that on our hunting grounds the squaw goeth not forth 
in pride, but as a meek companion of her liege Lord — that in our con- 
nubial palavers we never surrender to feminine petulance the cherished 
privilege of having the last word, and that tears to win a bonnet, would 
be unavailing against our irrevocable No. 

" Done in our Wigwam the 1st Day of the Moon and 2nd Year 
of our Sunshine and Rain." 

Changing Sides. 

With regard to the grand attack on Captain Fowke's building, it 
is very curious that the Ministers, who were anxious to retain it, 
acted like Conservatives, whilst the Conservatives, who were just as 
eager to have it removed, behaved like Destructives. 

a hint to the acclimatisation society. 
The Jockey Club, and sporting community generally, have lately 
invented a new dish. They made a hash of " Reindeer," flavoured it 
with " Tarragona" Tinegar, and '' Tomato" sauce. 

^MV ^a^^W^^ 


First Volunteer (to Second Volunteer on the Barrel). " May I trouble ye to Move for a bit, for Ye 're just Sitting on the Amuree-tion ! : 


The Season is quickly coming to a close, and tired, sated Londoners 
are only waiting for the annual ceremony of the Beadles of the Bur- 
lington Arcade waltzing round the Nelson Column by moonlight to 
depart upon their sea-side trips or Continental tours. 

Already is the Sea opening its arms to old friends, and Brighton is 
polishing up its beautiful bathing machinery ready for action. 

The Poet Tupper, bent upon quitting home for a few months, has 
celebrated the occasion by writing an address to .his portmanteau; it 
was read by the Porter at the Railway Station. 

There is no foundation for the report that the Nawab of the Car- 
natic will give a series of Imitations of popular actors at St. James's 

The Band from Colney Hatch will play at, the next Earlswood Fes- 
tival ; the performance will consist of musical selections, and as each 
musician will play what he likes best, and all will play together, the 
general effect is expected to be novel and startling. 

The Emperor Napoleon is going early in the following month to 
fish for Sardines in the Mediterranean. 

Three eminent travellers encouraged by the recent great Egyptian 
success, are making preparations to discover the Source of the Serpen- 
tine. They will sail across Bayswater, and attempt the Terrace of 
Westbourne, that West-bourne, whence, alas ! no travellers return. 

One of the beauties of the Isle of Wight has lately been destroyed ; 
certain empty tourists, unable in another way to assuage the pangs of 
hunger, actually devoured the Chine with their eyes. 

Dog Tear'em has been lately quite a puzzle to the naturalists. It is 
so strange to find an animal of purely English breed showing qualities 
thought only to belong to the French jauna. 

Novel Disease.— The Gentleman who caught a train is recovering. 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13. Upper Woburn Place, i 
Whitefriars, City of London. Printer*, at their Office in Loiuba 
of London.— Sitobjat, July 1?, 1863. 

(LIUES by a young lady.) 

When 1 regard that plumage gay, 
Ey Nature's bounty all conferred, 

I often feel disposed to say 
Would I were clothed as yonder bird ! 

But oh, that moulting ! To appear 
In dishabille until 'twas o'er, j 

To get a dress but once a year, 
And wear one fashion evermore ! 

When I consider all those things, 
I check the wish that seems absurd, 

And sigh no more for golden wings : 
I 'd not be clothed like yonder bird. 

The Maine Law above a Monarch. 

Qtjeen Rabodo, acceding to the Throne of Madagascar on the 
murder of her husband, swore fidelity to the new constitution, whereof 
the first article is : — 

" The Qoeen sLall not drink strong liquors." 

Why what is this but taking the pledge? We congratulate the United 
Kingdom Alliance on the ally they have found in the teetotal Queen of 

Musical Intelligence. 

We hear that M. Gounod is daily getting invitations' from all parts 
of the world, including New York, Oubeite, Rome, Madrid and Little 
Peddlington, to go aud superintend the production of his Faust. The 
engagements, we believe, will be accepted in due order : M. Gounod's 
business motto being, " Faust come, Faust served." 

July 25, 1863.] 



This Picture represents the most fearful scene in the life of young Marmaduke Athelwolf Cummerbund, Captain in 
the Army of Victoria, Empress of the East. He is on the Voyage to Calcutta, with the Young Lady, whom he has induced 
to Marry him by the most solemn assurances of his Love, and that her Luggage will be taken the utmost care of. Like a 
Confiding and Playful Wife, she (her lovely name is Helen), has descended to behold How Luggage is taken care of 
on the Indian Voyage. The distant ancle belongs to another Young Lady, who has seen too much ! Observe the Dusky 
Ayah. Even she is touched by the fair Girl's anguish. But as for the faithless Marmaduke 


July 10th. Friday. Mr. Punch supposes that lie must curb his 
generous but fiery temper for the future. His bolting away from the 
House in the way mentioned last week caused so much consternation 

; and confusion, that he will endeavour to bear even with the Irish Fish- 

I mongers rather than throw the whole legislative machine out of gear. 

j Tliere was to have been an important Polish debate in the Lords, but 
Earl Russell begged Earl Grey to postpone it, as they could not 
have the advantage of Earl Punch's presence, and the Recognition 
debate was to have been resumed in the Commons, but at Lord 
Palmerston's request, made nominally on the ground of the important 
military crisis in America, but really for the other reason, this was also 
postponed. Lord Punch will endeavour to attend in his places until 
the end of the Session. 

He reads that, on this Friday the Lords had a conversation about 
Japan, and that Earl Russell stated his intention of compelling the 
Tycoon to comply with treaties, whether he could or not. Also that 
in the Commons, Mr. Bentinck proposed to limit the speed on Rail- 
ways, but .Government wisely declined to interfere, Mr. Milner 
Gibson saying, truly, that it was safer to travel fast on a good line 
than to travel slowly on a bad one, and that the interests of the former 
ought, not to be sacrificed on account of the inferiority of the latter. 
Mr. Punch considers, however, that trains ought to start punctually, 
and that the doors should be slammed in the lace of dawdles, and thus 
there would be no necessity for delay while ridiculous people were being 
poked at the last moment into the carriages, and we should not have to 
make up for lost time. 

j Monday. Seeing Earl Punch in his place, Earl Grey made his 
speech on Poland, and said, with justice, that the situation was far too 
important to justify our being in any uncertainty as to the inlentions of 

Government. Were we going to war in aid of Poland ? Earl Russell 
answered that we certainly were not, and that anything which we might 
obtain for Poland would be gained by the force of reason. Eau, 
| Derby expressed much admiration for the Poles, but thought that 
j our action ought to be very well considered. 

\ Mr. Roebuck, who had hitherto kept an anxious universe in suspense 
| as to his intentions towards America, abused Mr. Layard, and aban- 
I doned his own motion for Recognition. He begged it, might be 
j understood that he did so only in deference to Lord Palmerston (for 
I whom by the bye Mr. Roebuck has lately manifested very demonstra- 
I tive reverence), but Tie reminded the Premier of his responsibility, and 
warned him of two dangers, the possible reconstruction of the Union by 
the South, and on Southern principles, and the possible recognition of 
the Confederacy by the Emperor of the French alone. Mr. Lindsay 
justified his own amateur-ambassador efforts. Lord Palmerston 
commended Mr. Roebuck's conduct, rebukrd his language towards 
Mr. Layard, and hoped we should hear no more of Members of Parlia- 
ment running on errands between Sovereigns and the House. 

A Fortifications debate then produced the usual conflict of arguments 
and the usual triumph for Pam. 

Tuesday. Earl Russell, of course, is entirely dissatisfied with the 
King of the Belgians, for deciding that England was wrong in the 
affair in Brazil. But this is foolish. When you go to an umpire, you 
ouglit to accept his decision frankly and like a gentleman. Suppose 
Earl Russell, walking home late from some party, because he did not 
want to make his carriage smell of cigar-smoke, and being a little larky, 
between the champagne and the smiles of the young lady he had been 
waltzing with, should chaff some other gentleman rather freely, and 
high words should ensue. Suppose Mr. Punch should come up, and 
say in his usual mild and affable manner, " Hullo, you two, what 's up?" 
Suppose the two told their stories at once, and Mr. Punch said " John, 



[July 25, 1863. 

you went too far. Make it square, John." Well, Mr. Punch is certain | 
that Lobd Russell would instantly describe the mathematical figure 
recommended by his friend, and then that they would all go off to the 
, Raleigh or somewhere, and order cold drinks. Why, Foreign Minister, 
do you not accept the decision of the King or the Belgians in the 
same way, and do what is right by Brazil instead of waiting, as you 
say you mean to do, until a Portuguese gentleman comes up, and says 
that he is sure Brazil means well, and that if you mean well— and all 
j that? Come out frankly, Johannes— a gentleman punislus and 
forgives, or he cuts, but he never sulks. 

The Commons discussed the question whether any of the money to j 
be raised in aid of Manufacturing Distress should be employed for pro- 
moting Emigration. Certain folks think the operatives would do well in 
I the New World, certain other folks would like to keep them till the mdls 
; open for new work. The Government declined to mix up the relief and the 
emigration question. If noisy old Ferband would emigrate, however, 
to Anywhere (only the further the better), Mr. Punch would advocate ; 
a special grant for the abatement of that nuisance. 

Then, as the heat was Lawful, we discussed India, and Fire Assurance. | 
Government, got its beating early in the week this time, Mr. Shekidan , 
I carrying against Mb. Gladstone a resolution condemnatory of the tax 
; on these assurances. Ma. Gladstone by no means succumbed easily, 
j but spouted at. Mb. Shekidan like a frantic Fire-Engiue. Mb. Whal- 
! ley and (Mb. Hennessy, voting ironically, of course), got an order 
for a return of all the Jesuits in England. Are they to be burued. 
I What foolery next ? 

Wednesday. All Clubs have occasional rows about the dinners, and 

the St. Stephen's Club is no exception. But the Senators are a little 

unreasonable. There are six hundred and a half of them, and their 

unhappy cook never knows whether he has to provide for six hundred 

or for six, but he always knows that whether the number be large or 

small, everybody wants everything, and wants to have it before anybody 

else. They will have French cookery, too, instead of sticking to simple 

fare. Mr. Punch is far from indifferent to a good dinner, but he does 

not think that the refreshment rooms of the House ought to be temples 

of Epicurus. Pall Mall is quite near enough for those who cannot be 

! contented with the humblest diet, say a soup, a fish, two entrees, a 

! joint, sweets, Stilton, and strawberries, two glasses of Amontillado, a 

1 bottle of Moselle, a bottle of Claret, a Cognac, and a cigar. We admit 

! that this is convict fare, but it is uot absolute starvation, and a true 

i patriot would be content with this modest refreshment on the nights 

! when his presence was necessary to the welfare of his country. Sib 

! John Tbelawny ridiculed the gourmands, and asked them whether 

! they would also like their washing done in the House at the expense of 

| the nation. New rooms are desired, it seems, but the House has 

i hardly the cheek to vote them. 

In Committee was discussed the Bill for enabling capitalists to invest 
money, on the Limited Liability principle, in business firms. Mb. G6- 
schen, the new Member for the City, reasoned well in its favour. Mb. 
T. Basing opposed it on the double ground that it, would be wholly 
inoperative and would do great mischief, and he is at liberty to reconcile 
these propositions in a private letter to us which we pledge ourselves 
not to read. To the allegation that it was " exceedingly desirable that 
money should be freely advanced to a young firm," Mr. Punch heartily 
assents, and hereby empowers and indeed encourages any capitalist to 
send in as much money as he likes to the interesting young firm of 
Punch, Judy, Toby, & Co. No questions will be asked, and certainly 
none will be answered, should the capitalist be so far forgetful of the 
true principles of political economy as to inquire, hereafter, what has 
become of his tin. 

Thursday. The Wimbledon debate between English and Scottish 
Members. It was adjourned, and resumed next, day, and at the close 
Hie numbers were 1082 to 999, majority for England 83. The Elcho 
Challenge Shield was therefore ordered to lie on the English table. 

In the Commons there was a good Brazilian debate, in which Mb. 
ShymotjeFitzgebald brought out the question very lucidly, and the 
Government had by no means the best of it. Mr. Punch's Humble- 
pie Cartoon, however, renders any other disquisition needless. 

Mb. Lawson, alarmed at t he Drunkenness Statistics, demanded an 
immediate alteration of the Law. The House by 87 to 21 declined 
such action. 

Friday. The Lords took it easy, but the Commons had a long miscel- 
laneous evening. Competitive Examination was attacked and defended. 
Street Music was very properly abused by Mb. Bass, Mb. Cavendish 
Bentinck, and Mb. Malins, but Government promised no redress. 
Mr. Punch has a suggestion, which might do something. Declare the 
Italian Animal to be Game. Then let those who would "pot" him 
take out a licence. By this means the revenue would be beuefiied, the 
Income-Tax might, be reduced, and in a few years the vermin would be 
extirpated. Mk. Chisholm Anstey's ease was gone into, but, with no 
result that will be satisfactory to him. Mb. Bowyeb tried a defence of 
the ex-KiNG of Naples with even less satisfactory results, and a 
Packet Service debate enabled Mr. Gladstone to signify that he did 
not think Mb. Corby a civilised being. We must look at Me. Cobry. 


Dedicated by Mr. Punch to all friends round the Wrekin and on both 
sides the Severn. 

Shout, jolly Shropshire, and light on the Wrekin 

A bonfire that, like a volcano shall rise, 
And when people ask what you mean by that beacon, 

Say " Roberts of Shropshire has won the Queen's Prize." 
Bring out your music, bring drum, trumpet, cymbal down, 

Crash for an hour by old Shrewsbury's Clock, 
Sing how he stood on the green bauk at Wimbledon, 

Rifle to shoulder as firm as a rock. 

Cheer him, Church Stretton, and bawl for him, Broseley, 

Dance about, Drayton, and clap your hands, Clun, 
Well for the County the Serjeant, shot closely, 

Had he once swerved, gallant Graham had won. 
Shout, for him, Shiffnall, and boast, Bishop's Castle ; 

Old-fashioned Oswestry, merry and wise, 
Scale Castle-hill, and with voice uuivarsal 

Cry " Robebts of Shropshire has won the Queen's Prize." 

Darling Sabriua, who came up when Comus 

Had fixed the young lady so tight in her chair, 
Borrow a smile from thy relative Momus, 

And come to the Quarrv and show thyself there. 
Bid thy swift waters break into a gallop. 

Thy salmon leap joyfully up at the flies, 
For prouder than ever henceforth is Proud Salop 

Now Robebts of Shropshire has won the Queen's Prize. 


How much does the reader suppose that Mb. Adams, the eminent 
surgeon, defendant in the breach of promise of marriage case, Russell 
v. Adams, has to pay in the shape of costs, imposed upon him by the 
nectssity of proving that he had not contracted any engagement with 
the lady who sued him for damages on the pretence that he had broken 

A Circular from the Chairman and Secretary of the "Adams Defeuce 
Fund," iuforms us that the defence of Me. Adams's pocket, Me. 
Adams's character, Me. Adams's practice, and Me. Adams's domestic 
happiness — for Mb. Adams is a husband and a father— from the 
attempt, above-named, has cost Mb. Adams no less than £1011 9s. id. 

" Well, but," says the reader, " was not the verdict for the defend- 
ant ? Did not that carry costs ? Had not Miss Russell to pay the 
expenses to .which she put Me. Adams by obliging him to defend 
himself against her ? " 

Miss Russell had to pay £300 out of those expenses. She has not 
paid one farthing of them. She has paid, under the Bankruptcy Act, 
four months' imprisonment to the justice, such as it is, of her country. 
But she has paid Me. Adams nothing; and if she had paid him all that 
the law required her to pay, he would still have been above £700 out of 
pocket. So may you, reader, if you are a doctor, and attend a young 
lady gratis without bringing a witness with you every time you visit 
her. So may you, whoever you are, unless you mind how you trust 
yourself with a single female and her mother, and take care always to 
secure the presence of a respectable fourth party. You may be even 
worse off than Me. Adams. A British jury, too movable by forensic 
eloquence, too unsuspicious of feminine guile, too ready to sympathise 
with parents who pretend that they have been disappointed in the hope 
of being fathers and mothers-in-law, may saddle you with enormous 
damages and the plaintiff's costs as well as your own, blasting your 
reputation, and ruining your professional prospects into the bargain. 

Yes, friend reader, thus are you, at any time of life after your ma- 
jority, liable to be fleeced by any unscrupulous feme sole,_ who can 
employ an attorney to employ a bairister to persuade a British Judge 
and a British Jury to lend themselves to the accomplishment of her 
design. The attorney, barrister, judge, jury, are all unconscious in- 
struments of plunder. The gentleman of the long robe and the gentle- 
man of the blue bag are simply a jemmy and centre-bit, or a pair of 
skeleton-keys. Of course they know not what purpose they are used 
for. The one believes his instructions, the other his brief. The judge 
is a lock that cannot help being picked or forced. The jury is a door 
that yields to be wrenched open — too generally with some inclination 
towards the adventuress and the quack. 

A pretty state of the law, a pretty state of the legal profession ! In 
the mean time ,we may state that Letters or Subscriptions to the 
Adams Defence Fund may be forwarded to J. B. Walkee, Esq., Hon. 
Secretary, 17, Clifton Gardens, Maida Hill, London, W. Subscription 
is the only remedy for a wrong for which the law affords none. 

Russell v. Adams may be your own case to-morrow. 

July 25, 1863.] 




ngels and Ministers, and so on, 
-what are we coming to ? The Prince 
of Wales good naturedly went 
down to Caterbam the other day, 
with the thermometer at 80°, to Jay 
the first stone of some new schools. 
Ladies, who had given or collected 
a hundred shillings each, attended 
the ceremony, and laid the purses 
on a tray upon the stone. Then, 
says the Morning Star .— 

" At nearly every addition one might 
observe a shade of disappointment on the 
face of the fair donor. For, strange to say, 
of all the onlookers, the observed of all 
observers was the one unobservant. 
Whether it was that his Royal Highness 
had left at home all eyes for female love- 
liness, or that the topic of his conversation 
with Barl Russell was of absorbing inte- 
rest, certain it is he bestowed no more 
attention on the fair dames and damsek 
who came trooping up to make their offer- 
ing and their homage than if they had been so many spokes in a revolving wheel. It was im- 
possible not to see that the mortification of many was deep. The ladies, of course, left off 
curtseying as no bow was returned, and went back to their seats looking decidedly less 
smiling than as they came down. But all expression of such feeling was smoothed away under 
the dulcet and solemn tones of the Bishop of Winchester as he read the concluding prayer." 

We repeat the question, what, are we all coming to ? English ladies, wives and 
mothers, go away unhnppy, because they cannot buy, for £5, a bow from the 
Prince of Wales. They are not satisfied with having helped an excellent 
object, and they turn sulky because a young gentleman, who knows nothing 
about them, does not favour them with a nod. It is implied that they would 
not have given, or taken the trouble to collect the money, if they had not sup- 
posed they were purchasing the right to be noticed by the Prince. It appears 
to Mr. Punch that the directors of the institution ought, to advertise that, they 
are ready to make restitution to the unfortunates. " Vivat Princeps— Money 
returned," in the case of all who will claim it. And truly, if Punch were 
Walts, he would have it understood upon occasions of future ceremonies 
that H. R. H. was not, to be considered a party to a fraud, if he failed to bear 
his part in the completing such a bargain as is imputed. A good deal (perhaps 
a little too much) has been done in the way of making a show of the Prince, 
but putting him up to a sort of auction is really utilising royalty in a fashion 
which Yankeedom might envy. But if it is to be done at all, why not carry 
out the scheme, and let directors of institutions announce that for £5 a lady 
may have a nod, for £10 a nod and smile, for £20 a shake of the hand, and for 
£50 a special inquiry whether her darling children have recovered from the 
measles, or as the case may be. It would be a sort of Brummagem pre- 
sentation, available to those who can't get into the Court Circular. If the 
Prince likes to fall into any such plan as this, we can have no objection, but 
in the mean time we protest against his bows being sold without his sanction, 
and if he talked to Eabl Russell, instead of bowing to the purchasers, 
H. R. H. may have intended to convey a gentlemanly hint that he was only 
on view, and not in the market. Flunkeydom has a tendency to be rampant, 
just now, and we cannot regret its getting a slight knock on the nose. We 
are rejoiced, however, that all was put right by Dr. Sumner's dulcet prayer, 
and if he had preached as well, he would probably have improved the occasion 
by a reference to a certain injunction about not doing alms before men. As 
the opportunity was denied to his Lordship, Bishop Punch brings the hint 
under the notice of the unluckly Courtiers of Caterham. 

Malicious Report.— We are requested on authority to contradict the state 
ment that Mb. Cox, M.P., competed for the Wimbledon prize for Small Bores. 


{Nursery Rhymes for Farmers.) 

Who killed Cock Robin ? 
], says young Jones, 
With my throwing stones : 

I killed Cock Robin. 

Who killed the Sparrow ? 

I. says Green Horn, 

Wi' my assuical corn ; 
I killed the Sparrow. 

Who killed the Lark ? 

I, says Hodge Chuff, 

Wi' my vittrolized stuff; 
I killed the Lark. 

Who killed the L-'nnet ? 

I. says John Trott, 

Wi' my zinc or what not ; 
I killed the Linnet. 

Who killed the GoWfinch? 

J, says JoLTtK Head, 

Wi' my sngnr o' h-a : ; 
I killed the Goldfinch. 

Who killed the Greenfinch r 

I, says Giles Carter, 

Wi' my 'nn-t ic tartar ; 
I killed the Greenfinch. 

Who killed the Yellowliammer P 
1, SavS SnroN Housebean, 
Wi' my pi<nn strychnine; 

I killed the Yellowliammer. 

Who killed the Bunting ? 

I. says Sam Swain, 

Wi' my phosphorus grain ; 
I killed the Bunting. 

Who killed the Chink ? ; 

I, says Clod Hopper, 

Wi' mv zulfut o' copper, 
I killed the Chink. 

Who killed the Blackbird ? 

I, says Spring Wheat, 

Wi' my zublimeat; 
I killed the Blackbird. 

Who killed the Dove ? 

I, says Chaw BiCON, 

Wi' my wlia f e, dosed to take un ; 
Skilled the Dove, 

Who killed the Tomtit ? 

I, says Hob Nail, 

Wi' my salt on his tail, 
I killed the Tomtit. 

Who killed his own goose ? 
I, says John Raw, 
By what chance I dun knaw, 

But I killed my own goose. 

Who '11 go on killing ths Small Birds ? 

Says the Parmer, He-hee ! 

Yo wun't convince we; 
We '11 goo on killuti the Small Birds. 

The Volunteer Rifle Contest. 

The Greatest Common present on the occasion of the shoot- 
ing match between the Two Houses of Parliament was Wim- 
bledon Common. A quiet invalid Gentleman, residing in the 
neighbourhood, being very much disturbed by the noise of 
the Rifles, still good-naturedly spoke of the Contest as a 
decidedly .popular movement. 


At a sale the other day several houses, with first-rate kitchen 
fixtures, were put up to auction. A bidder present offered a 
shilling for twelve coppers. He was actually accommodated. 


Mamma. "Yes, Doctor. She will Sit for Hours -without Speaking a Word. She persists in wearing the same Dress, and 
won't part with the Bouquet ! " 

Doctor. " Hm — Well, let's see — we must first get The Ball out of her Head, and then perhaps the Nervous System 



Am—" Pop Goes the Weasel." 

Up and down to Wimbledon, 

In and out at Putney, 
Sun at, ninety in the shade, 

Air as hot as chutney. 
Riflemen the railway throng, 

Till one 'a fit to stifle, 
And along the line ol butts 

Crack goes the Rifle ! 

When we lay the Enfield dow u 

For that small bore Whitworth, 
Under I he eight-hundred range 

Targets ain't a hit worth, 
Outers we scarce deign to count, 

Centres seem a trifle: 
To Bull's-eyes at a thousand yards 

Crack goes the Rifle ! 

France found o it at Agincourt 

John Bull drew a strong bow ; 
To read these scores she'll think that sti 

England pulls the long-bow. 
Foes who of invasion dreamt. 

May sing " Oh, be j'yful," 
That in sport not earnest, now 

Crack goes the Rifle ! 

French sabreurs who deem our fair ' 

Marks for Gallic kisses, 
Must take note that English hits 

Equal English misses. 

Your Zouave will stand aloof 
When in his sheep's-eye full 

(As a bull's-eye's substitute) 
Crack goes the Rifle ! 

Then at night when dew falls cool, 

And the day's work's over, 
Round camp-fires, in furze and fern, 

Lo, we lie in clover. 
Warmed with free Victorias' punch, 

Of their pigeon-pie full, 
Sound we sleep, and hear in dreams, 

Crack go the Rifle ! 

Here 's to Serjeant Roberts' health, 

Here 's to gallant Graham : 
Shropshire men drink round to Wilts, 

And Wiltshire lads repay 'em. 
Here 's to England's gallant eight ; 

And Scotland's ne'er-say-die-fuls, 
To Ross and Sons, and mony a year 

Crack go their R'fles ! 

A True Ghost Stoiy. 

Spiritual manifestations are becoming a drug in the market. Who 's 
afraid ? Witness the following instance ; a few nights ago, a Country 
Curate was sitting in his lonely study, and, as the Clock upon the 
stairs struck the midnight hour, he became aware of a Spectral Presence, 
The Clergyman, not in the least alarmed, asked the Spectre " who he 
was?" whereupon The Ghost in awful tones replied "I am Appa- 
rishioner ! " The Reverend Gentleman, immediately rated him soundly, 
and the Fearful Being evidently frightened at the prospect of an assess- 
ment, speedily vanished. 




July 25, 1863.1 




Through Legislation's calm resorts, 

From Statesmanship's stern pale, 
Within Westminster's cloistered courts, 

Arose a sound of wail. 
'Twas not, the wrath of roused M.P.'s, 

Who Kelr and Lucas tear, 
Who fiercely fasten upon Fowke, 

Or Dilke refuse to spare ; 
It was not baited Gladstone's cry, 

Nor Dizzy's wrathful sounds. 
Each, like Actaeon, doomed to fly 

His own rebellious hounds ; 
Nor was 't the shout the indignant House 

Sets up when bores will bray, 
Small bores, of Whitworth range, or great, 

In the Enfield Speaker way,— 
But 'twas a cry more terrible, 

The cry for food and wine ; 
And thus it rang—" We starve— we starve— 

We have no place to dine ! " 

With accents bitter as his beer 

Bass urged the piteous plea : 
And Burly Bentinck gave the. prayer 

His Benedicite ; 
And Pat O'Brien lent the howl 

Of Irish hunger keen, 
And Dillwyn prayed, " We ask but meat 

That 's wholesome, cheap and_ clean." 

But stern Sin John Trelawny rose 

And chid the gourmands' cry ; 
" Corned beef is food for Cornish men, 

And kickshaws I defy ; 
Why should not Members with a bun 

Or biscuit hunger stay ? 
Let those who cannot fast go home, 

Aud we who can will stay ; 
From Philip drunk to Philip dry, 

Was Macedon's appeal ; 
So from a full to fasting House, 

Should turn our Common-weal." 
And fiercely Osborne rained his chaff 

Upon his hapless head, 
For whom no choice mahoganies 

In rivalry are spread, 
Who cannot bring the ready wit 

That pays the banquet rare, 
And leaves the diner-out unvexed 

By Steers's sorry fare. 
And courteous Hotham sang the times 

By Fogeydom adored, 
When, save chops, steaks, and kidneys, nought 

Smoked on St. Stephen's board ; 
When Bellamy's full-bodied port, 

Gave gout, and gout to life, 
Before Keform brought acid tiffi 

And democratic strife. 

But thy mild wisdom, placid William Cowper, 

On dinner's worth the Commons wiselier schooled, 
Teaching how tempers seasoned with the soup are, 

How those who rule the roast may by the roast be ruled. 
Rash are an ill-fed Legislature's toils, 

Men must mark, learn, digest, who 'd be judicial : 
Would you shun party hashes, civil broils, 

Then treat not soup or fish as superficial. 
How oratory is to cookery kin 

Plato has taught with logic sharp and square, 
The Session not all barren will have been, 

If it amend the Commons' bill— of fare. 


Brother Ignatius of Claydon, has turned his attention from eccle- 
siastical to equine affairs; having lost his voice, like Falstaff, "a 
halloaing of anthems," he now announces himself as a Hoarse 
Chaunter ; we wish him, in his new vocation, everv possible success. 

The new Club for the Society of Friends is to be called the 

In August there is to be a Ladies' Conversazione at Chat-Moss ; 
chits ol girls wdl be excluded, it being the special object of the Com- 

mittee to provide a really scientific and philosophical entertainment, 
which shall not degenerate into a mere Chit-chat Moss. 

The New Hospital for people troubled with Queer Fancies is to be 
established in Surrey at Whim-bledon. 

The Great Moneylenders' Jewbilee is to be held in the course of the 
following month ; it will shortly be announced under the heading of the 
Sixty-per-Centenary Festival. 

The Statue in Leicester Square has been very impertinent to a 
Policeman ; he really ought to be taken down. 


Mr. Bishop, the celebrated legislator and gun-maker had— alas, that 
Punch must use the preterite — a little dog, dear to him aud his. It 
was his Life, as Mr. Bishop himself, who should know, stated to Mr. 
Corbie, the Magistrate. Taking a cab to Gray's Inn Square tin; other 
day, Ma. Bishop took his quadruped Life with him. But not liking to 
expose the creature to contaminating association with lawyers, or 
fearing lest the dog might have a propensity to worry black sheep, 
Mr. Bishop leaves the animal in the cab, with orders to the driver to 
keep him there. The driver is a wretch, and lets the dog escape. Mr. 
Bishop's Life runs away, aud an old maid called Hicks sees it, "foam- 
ing," and thereupon gives a man sixpence to put it out of its supposed 
torture. It was very thoughtful of the old lady, but Mr. Bishop is 
not grateful for thus having his Life taken away, and he applies to 
Mb. Corrie for a summons against Miss Hicks. The Magistrate 
does not think that he can grant one :— 

" Mb. Bishop : The man first tried to hang the poor animal, and, failing in this, 
knocked it on the head. I assure you it is the greatest blow that has ever been inflicted 
on me and my family. 

" Mr. Corkie : Possibly the lady may have been mistaken ; but jou cannot show 
any intentional ' cruelty.' 

" Mr. Bishop (greatly excited) : Was it not ' cruelty ' to me, to my nieoe, to all 
my family ? 'Love me, love my dog.' It has broken up our peace and happiness at 
home. We would not have parted with the dog for half a million of money. Is a 
woman to go unpunished tor such a crime as this — for deliberately killing an inno- 
cent, beautiful, harmless dog, because it was merely ' panting ' a little? 

" Mr. Cokrie : The Act does not deal with the lacerated feelings of individuals. 

" Mr. Bishop : Feelings ! This dog was my Life— my wife's, and my niece's Life. 
I would sooner have lost every gun in my shop. 

" The applicant then retired, but returning almost immediately, with an Act of 
Parliament in his hand, he said, — A thought has occurred to me, Sir. Cannot I 
charge this woman with ' stealing ' my dog ? She hires a man to take it from 
Grosvenor Square to a mews in Southampton Buildings, there to be cruelly killed. 
Is not that an act of felony ? 

" Mr. Corrie : Certainly not, unless you can show that she did so for the sake of 
possessing its skin or carcase." 

This is certainly the most affecting case we ever heard of. Can there 
be no reprisals? Is there no animal— old maids love such creatures— 
who is all in all to Miss Hicks. Mr. Bishop might go and slay it, 
and write triumphantly over its grave, "This is where Hicks's All 
formerly stood." We only throw out the suggestion. It is a fearful 
thing that the peace and happiness of a British home should be broken 
up by the demise of a dog that runs away when he gets a chance, aud 
foams, but love is a mystery and a marvel, as novelists and others have 
observed. We cannot say, " Bravo, Hicks ! " for the lady was hasty, 
but we; hope that in time Mr. Bishop will forgive her. Suppose that 
in an excess of charity he not only forgave her, but took her into his 
house, as a Pet and Joy, instead of the lost dog. That would be a 
noble forgiveness, wortliy of a Bishop, "even a Bishop like Victor 
Hugo's in Les Miserables. 


Thank you, M. Gounod ; thank you, Mr. Gye ; thank you, Mr. 
Mapleson. There 's no mistake about it. As produced by your exer- 
tions, Faust is certainly Fcjust-tsite. Mr. Punch makes his apology for 
not saying so before, but he is not like some clairvoyants who can 
criticise by foresight. Moreover, such cascades of praise have spouted 
on all sides that he feared awhile to add to the laudatory deluge. 
Now, having seen and heard and reflected at his leisure, Punch is ready 
to allow that the shower of superlatives has not fallen undeserved, and 
he will osvn that M. Gounod, has produced the sweetest, prettiest, and 
pleasantest new opera that, since the first night of Les Huguenots, the 
world has seen brought forth. The music is throughout both p : ctu- 
resque and pretty, and leaves nothing to desire. The Soldiers' March 
and Chorus, the Chorus of Old Men (a chorus.wearing spectacles is quite 
a novel stage effect), with the pretty jewel song and, best of all perhaps, 
the spirited duel trio, these are the pieces which most stick in Mr. 
Punch's memory, [and which he hopes the organ-grinders will not vul- 
garise and spoil. But it is needless here to specify what everybody | 
knows: or if anyone bs. ignorant, the sooner he informs himself the 
better it will be for him. 

The only drawback Mr. Punch felt when he witnessed the perform- 
ance, was that M. Gounod had not set the Brocken Scene. With 
that addition, Faust might have eclipsed Der Freischutz, and even 
without this it is not far inferior. 



[July 25, 1863. 

Railway Porter. " Dogs not allowed inside the Carriages, Sir ! " 
Countryman. " What not a little Tooy Tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak' un 
then, young Man / " 


There bain't a cloud vor to be sin, 

Not over all the sky, 
For years aud years there han't a bin 

A time like this July. 
But uoiv the Zun, wi' viery veace, 

Has ripened all the hay 
And cart un of the crop we cease 

This here St. Swithuu's Day. 

Zince when old Swithun fust begun 

As Saint to rule the skies, 
(Unless what they relates of ua 

Is all a pack o' lies) 
In better temper never known 

Was he, I 'm bound to zay ; 
The weather plazed to let alone 

This here St. Swithuu's Day. 

The ship and cattle pauts hard by 

The margint o' the flood ; 
The pig 's a waller'n in the sty, 

If he can fiud the mud. 
"Whilst now on branch, and then on wing, 

The greenfinch tunes zo gay ; 
And pleasant 'tis to hear un zing 

This here St. Swithuu's Day. 

Afore my very eyes the whate 

And barley sims to turn ; 
This year the harvest wun't be late, 

By what I can discern. 
Let 's hope no deluges wun't scour 

The Farmer's hopes away. 
At laste we han't had ne'er a shower 

This here St. Swithuu's Day. 

The air 's wi' honeysuckle filled, 

Wi' jessamun and r^se, 
Of scents which is from them distilled, 

Aud gratifies my nose. 
I hears the Thames is different ; 

And here I 'd rather stay 
Than sniff the sweets o' Parliament 

This here St. Swithun's Day. 


The increasing taste for poetry that is a characteristic of the present 
practical age, will, in the course of time, attain its legitimate develope- 
ment in the universal adoption of a Metrical system of Coinage. The 
application of this system to the ordinary markets and general run of 
business is very little understood by those financiers who profess the 
most intimate knowledge of the subject. As our information may in 
every case be certainly relied on, we shall have no hesitation in antici- 
pating the official rules which will regulate the future metrical relations 
between vendor and purchaser Whether the Poet Laureate will be 
appointed Deputy Assistant Chancellor of the Exchequer we have 
been unable to ascertain, but that he has already been consulted as to 
the New Metrical Terms in all Commercial dealings, scarcely admits a 
doubt. To prepare the public for the coming small change, he will 
publish a serenade entitled "Metre by Moonlight ; a Loan," which 
will we are sure be of great use iu all monetary transactions. It is 
proposed, that, on entering any shop, after the general legal adoption 
of the Metrical System, the vendor, exposing any article, which can, we 
will say, ex. gr., be procured for the sum of Twelve pence, shall address 
I his customer with words to be said or sung according to his, the Shop- 
keeper's, ability, thus :— 

Sir are you willing 
To pay a shilling. 

If this is considered extortionate, the rejoinder will be, 

That would rob 
Me of a Bob. 

This is simple poetry, concise, to the point, and adapted to the shortest 

The new " Song of Sixpence" will be sung after this fashion :— The 
small shopman, being unable to give silver, tenders half-a-dozen pence, 
and chaunts smilingly, 

Pray take, Sir, these six pence. 

To which the customer daintily objecting shall be bound to reply, 
With silver I ne'er mix pence. 
On coming from the Opera the services of the jolly young waterman 
who fetches a cab for you, are requited with the most diminutive of 
silver coins, aud these words shall accompany the donation— 
I always tip any 
Man with a thrippenny. 
The miser, on parting with twenty-one shillings, will find the pain 
of eternal separation considerably mitigated by warbling the following 
lines to the tune of " Minnie, dear Minnie ! " 
Guinea ! dear Guinea ! 
Gone easike ! 
(Winces) Oh, the price was high 

When 1 'd settled to buy, 
(With considerable pleasure) But I've got more than value for thee ! 

[Etcetera, ad lib., ending with a run on the Bank. 
The Ungrammatical Dealer, who charges interest on giving credit, 
may say, — 

Three and six 
If I ticks, 
Money down 
And so on, through an infinite variety of sweet sounds. Thus in this 
work-a-day world of ours will Poetry permeate through every grade of 
society, and its soothing influence be beneficially exercised upon the 
most sordid money-grubber, and upon the least impressionable driver 
of the hardest possible bargains. 


By Our Young Man from the Country. 

What well-known Provincial Newspaper ought to advocate the 
practice of Flogging at Public Schools ?— The Hip-switch Journal. 




(Contributed by " Glaxjcus," who is staying at a quiet watering-place, 
five miles from anywhere, and three from a Railway Station. 

Monday (?) after breakfast, lying on the beach. 

Wonder if it is Monday, or 

Wonder what time it is ? 

Wonder if it will be a 
fine day ? 

Wonder what I shall 
do if it is ? On second 
thoughts wonder, what I 
shall do if it isn't ? 

Wonder if there are any 
letters ? 

Wonder who that is in a 
white petticoat with her 
hair down ? 

Wonder if she came yes- 
terday or the day before ? 

Wonder if she 's pretty ? 

Wonder what I 've been 
thinking about for the last 
ten minutes ? 

Wonder how the boat- 
men here make a livelihood 
by lying all day at full 
length on the beach ? 

Wonder why every one 
who sits on the shore 
throws pebbles into.thesea? 
Wonder what there is for dinner ? 
Wonder what I shall do all the afternoon? 

Same day, after lunch,' lying on the beach. 
Wonder who in the house beside myself is partial to my dry sherry ? 
Wonder what there is for dinner ? 
Wonder what 's in the paper to-day ? 
Wonder if it 's hot in Loudon ? Should say it was. 
Wouder how I ever could live in London ? 
Wonder if there 's any news from America ? 
Wonder what tooral looral means in a chorus ? 
Children playing near me, pretty, very. 

Wonder if that little boy intended to hit me on the nose with a 
stone ? 

Wonder if he 's going to do it again ? Hope not. 
Wonder if I should like to be a shrimp. 

Same day, after an early dinner, lying on the beach. 

Wonder why I can never get any fish ? 

Wonder why my landlady introduces cinders into the gravy? 

Wouder more than ever who there is at my lodgings so partial to my 
dry sherry ? 

Wonder if that's the Coast of France in the distance ? 

Feel inclined for a quiet conversation with my fellow-man. 

A Boatman approaches. I wonder (to the Boatman) if it will be a 
fine day to-morrow ? He wonders too ? We both wonder together ? 

Wonder (again to the Boatman) if the Rail will make much difference 
to the place ? He shakes his head and says " Ah ! he wonders ! " and 
leaves me. 

Wonder what age I was last birthday ? 

Wonder if Police Inspectors are as a rule fond of bathing ? 

Wonder what srave me that idea ? 

Wonder what I shall do all this evening?, 

Same day, after supper, Moonlight, lying on the beach. 
Wonder if there ever was such a creature as a mermaid ? 
Wouder several times more than ever who it is that's so fond of my 
dry sherry ? 
Wonder if the Pope can swim ! 
Wouder what made me think of that ? 
Wonder if I should like to go up in a balloon ? 
Wonder what, Speke and Grant had for dinner to-day ? 
Wonder if the Zoological Gardens are open at sunrise ? 
Wonder what 1 shall do to-morrow ? 

Grand Cricket Match at the Oval.— The Twenty-Two " All 
Comers" from Richmond and Twickenham v. The Eleven Kew-comers. 
After the game, the eleven, if winners, will treat the visitors to a 
victorious performance on the Bells. The Peal of the Kew-comers is 
very refreshing. 


During the discussion of Mr. Bass's motion for the suppression of 
Street Music, several excellent jokes were uttered by Members when 
describing the serious annoyances to which hard working statesmen, 
mathematicians, authors, and artists were subjected which deserve 
to be recorded in Punch, as they provoked an amount of risibility not 
usually produced by senatorial eloquence. 

Mr. Bass said : " From early morning till late at night the inhabitants of the 
metropolis were annoyed by incessant discords. Bands were continually playing 
north, south, east, and west. That very morning he found four all at wort together 
in Eaton Square and its neighbourhood, one in front of the residence of Sir Ricuard 
Mayne, and another before that of the Home Secretary. (A Laugh.) It w »s 
a real hindrance to the serious business of life. (A Laugh.) Men engaged in 
severe mental occupations, like Mr. Babbage and others, were actually unable 
during the greater part of the day to continue their studies. Mr. Ba»bage had , 
told him that one-fourth of his time was consumed by the hindrances occasioned 
by street bands, and that in the course of a few days he was interrupted 182 times. 
(A Laugh ) The late Lord Canning told Sir Richard Mayne that on one 
occasion, when writing a despatch of great importance, a serious error occurred 
owing to the noise created by a band under his window. (A Laugh )" 

Lord Fermoy maintained that the existing law was sufficiently stringent, i 
Mr. Babbaoe had put it in force on several occasions, and had punished, he ' 
thought unjustly, a great many poor musicians. If street bands were put down j 
many other things must follow. Huge drays full of beer barrels, even though the 
name of " Bass " might be inscribed on them (a laugh) were a serious 
annoyance and inconvenience. 

Mr. C. Bentinck could not admit that because the street bands were paid they 
ought to be tolerated. He lived in a thoroughfare having a large square at one end 
and a street at the other, and which was infested with bands, organs, wandering 
minstrels, negro melodists, and every species of musician. (Laughter.) If one 
man in a whole street liked this music or this noise, that was no reason why 
all the other inhabitants should be annoyed. Street music not only prevented 
people from obtaining rest and quiet, it disturbed them when making calcula- 
tions, or even when studying their speeches. (Laughter.) 

Mb. Malins thought that every man ought to be protected in the peaceful enjoy- 
ment of his own home. He fiequently had to endure a grinding organ on one side j 
and a noisy band on the other. (&. Laugh ) He had work to do at his own 
home which involved a great deal of reading and study, and he had seriously enter- , 
taiued the notion of living away from London in consequence of these nuisances. 
He often told his servant to send away street musicians, but they only moved off a 
few yards. He was sometimes favoured with a round of the "Old Hundredth," ; 
beginning about 11 and ending at half-past 12 at night. (&. Laugh.) That 
was no really laughing matter. 

And Mr. Bruce thought that " It was all very well for those who disliked, or [ 
who possessed a very refined taste for, music to seek to do away with the bands in 
the streets ; but if the Hon. Member for Derby were to poll his own household he 
would find the greater number of votes recorded in their favour (a laugh) ; 
and he did not think it, therefore, desirable that it should be placed in the power 
of every churlish person, or every man who happened to be busy, to drive music 
out of the streets. (Hear ) " 

And so the subject was dropped, and the " Laughing Jackasses " 
(May they eat dirt !) are to continue to have their long ears tickled by 
the maddening music of the streets. 

nth July, 1863. 

" Vain the Father's shooting grand, 
Vain the Captain's vaunted hand, 
Vain, young Colin's steady pull, 
Making sure of eye of bull : 
Brave Alcides cast away 
All his Labours here to-day : 
Gallant Elciio, noble soul, 
Thou art lowest on the roll, 
Lovat, Master, on the ground 
Thou lias now thy Masters found, 
Fekgusson, 'tis moie than clear 
That thy bullets don't lodge here, 
Nor 'tis Farqtjh arson's to earn 
What the battle's fate may turn. 
Caledonia, take thy fate : 
Bow before the English Eight. 
Clearer licking mav not be, 
Thou art beat by Eighty-Three. 
And the gorgeous Challenge Shield 
England carries from the field." 

A Heaton Bot. 

Out-of-Door Gamester and Summer Sporting Register. 

Pedestrianism.—h. large assemblage is expected to witness a novel 
Walking Match against time. An Amateur has backed himself to 
walk into a Pigeon Pie in less than two minutes. . 

Archery. — The shooting match for children under eight years of age 
is to commence in a few days. The targets will be provided with bull's- 
eyes from the nearest sweet shops. 



School-Teacher. " Now, Jeremiah Muzzles, spell Gold." 
Jeremiah (rather backward for his age). " G-O-L-B." 
School-Teacher. " Right. What is Gold ? " 
Jeremiah. " Boan't Knoah." 

School-Teacher (exhibiting chain and eye-, 
this, Sir ? " 
Jeremiah. " Brass, Teacher/" 

[Jeremiah " stood ' corrected ' " immediately afterwards. 


I There are some people who say that, as a rule, our County Magis- 
| trates are neglectful of their duty, and that, excepting when a poacher — 
the wretch !— is to be punished, they seldom pay much heed to the work 
that is entrusted to them. As a glorious exception to this rule, if it be 
such, we beg to cite the conduct of a Magistrate for Worcestershire, 
who appears to act not merely on the beuch, but in the streets, and 
besides being a Magistrate, to be one of the Police. His flaming zeal 
for justice having carried him so far as to commit a man for drunkenness 
whom he had previously convicted and fined for that offence, this 
Magistrate-Policeman gave evidence as follows, himself sitting on the 
Bench :— 

" Redditch Petty Sessions.—* » * Mr. Henry Milward, one of the Magis- 
trates, was then sworn (still occupying his place on the Bench). He said, I am a 
Magistrate for the county of Worcester. On the 17th day of June instant, at about 
hall'- past eight in the evening, I saw the defendant walking along with a friend, arm 
in arm, and he appeared to me to be drunk. I followed him and said, ' Mr. Baylis, 
you are drunk, I fine you 5s.' Mr. Baylis immediately said, 'Oh, indeed ! here it 
is.' I then said, ' No, I will not take it, I will send the constable for it to-morrow.' 
—Cross-examined by Mr. Smith : Was the defendant making any noise?— Witness : 
No, he was walking quietly with his friend.— Mr. Smith : Did he obstruct the way ? 
— Witness : No, he did not.— Mr. Smith : Why do you say he was drunk ?— Witness : 
Because I thought so.— Mr. Smith : Did you, in the exercise of your office as Magis- 
trate, and on your own opinion, take upon yourself to fine the defendant in the 
street ?— Witness : I did. (Sensation in Court.) " 

Of course we cannot doubt the word of a man like Mr. Milward, 
but if he really heard a drunken man say, " Oh, indeed, here it is," we 
think it should be noted as a curious phenomenon. Tipsy men are 
usually not distinct enough in speech to say "indeed, here it is," or 
anything approaching it. " All ri' olefler— hie— hereshzefi'bobsh— hie " 
would be the most one could expect from a person really tipsy. Of 
course, however, Mr. Milward heard what he reported, or he would 
not have reported it ; and we congratulate the shire of Worcester on 
the fact that a man there can speak plain when he is drunk, and that a 

Magistrate is there not so puffed up by his place, but that he will con- 
descend at times to prowl about the streets, and take up tipsy \ people 
like an ordinary Policeman. 


The best portraits of Mr. Punch represent him with a peculiar squint. 
This arises from a habit which he has always practised, of looking at 
both sides of a question at once. Thus, whilst he is reading his own 
paper, he at the same time has an eye upon another ; and this casting 
his eye about has given him a cast in the eye. His off-eje, the other 
day, running over the Tablet, Ultramontane and Derbyite organ, 
alighted on the passage following, penned with reference to some 
judicial proceedings, by the Roman Correspondent of that journal:— 

" I will not enter into further detail, as you will receive the trial as soon as pub- 
lished, and your readers will be able to judge for themselves whether Me. Layard 
is very consistent in denouncing the highly apocryphal atrocities committed in 
isolated cases by a peasantry maddened by wrongs and cruelties, while he winks at I 
the wretches who, not content with poisoning brave men for doing their duty as | 
soldiers, made targets of their bodies for the purpose of instructing the agents of 
the Sect on scientific principles i<s to the best means of striking a deadly blow at a I 
' Papalino.' " 

What are " the highly apocryphal atrocities " which are " committed 
in isolated cases ? " If they are highly apocryphal, it is uncertain that 
they were committed in any. If it is true that they were committed in 
isolated cases, then they are not apocryphal- If the peasantry who 
committed them were " maddened by wrongs and cruelties," then the 
atrocities perpetrated by those peasants were not only not apocryphal, 
but facts doubtless only too true. But perhaps, in the mind of the 
Tablet's Roman Correspondent, apocryphal and canonical mean the 
same thing. In the mean time we must be excused for hesitating to 
take that gentleman's statement as to poisoning k soldiers, and practising 
assassination on their dead bodies, as Gospel. 

'William Bradbury.of No. 13, Up 
ri.iN, ' ity of London, PrintcrB ai 
London.— Saturday, July ;:>, iv.ij 

■ Office in Lombard ! 

August 1, 1863. 




July 20th. j\!onday. We shall change the name of Canada into 
Canidia, and treat her as au objectionable old woman ought, to be 
treated if she does not behave herself better than she is represented by 
Government as doing. Where's your Militia, Mits. Canada? Are 
we to do everything for you? Come, take good counsel, and help 
yourself. Then, as Alcides remarked to the Carter :— 

" Then, should the task too mighty prove, 
We may assist you with a shove, 
But those who indolent remain. 
May roar for aid, but roar iu vain." 

You know how Salmon spring up and leap against falling water. 
Well, the Irish salmon have leapt right up into the House of Lords. 
There was great splashing to-night. 

The Lords have passed the Bill for getting rid of London Tolls after 
July next. This is a great thing. But we hold naught done while 
aught remains to do. Now, boys, we must take the Bridges. We are 
not, freemen while tribute is exacted there. Let us fight the Battle of 
Waterloo over again at its bridge, smash Southwark, and lay Lambeth 

Sir John Shelley tried to defeat the Bill which gives Gog and 
Magog power to deal with the Van Demons and other fiends of traffic. 
But be was desired by Sia George Grey to desist, as the measure 
was a very useful one. We burn to s. e the giants rush at their work. 

The Great Late Eastern Railway is to be allowed to have steamboats 
in connection with its lines. Our naval correspondent informs us that 
several are on the stocks, among them the Dawdle, tin Laggard, the 
Baron Troptard, the Athelstan Unready, the Fabius, and the Chancery, 
and that, the. first of them will very likely be iu a forward state lor 
launching about Christmas, 1870. 

The Polish debate then took place, Lord Palmerston clearing the 
way for it. Mr. Horsman delivered an eloquent harangue, denouncing 
the treaty of Vienna, and advocating the re-const ruction of the King- 
dom of Poland. He prophesied that war would be necessary to effect, 
that object. Mb. Gladstone had the disagreeable duty of throwing 
cold water upon the House, by way of obviating any inflammatory 
action. He showed the impossibility of getting the Sovereigns to sur- 
render their possessions, and argued that in some respects the change 
would be undesirable. He thought we had done our duty in inter- 
fering with our argument and protest. Mr. Hennessy adverted to 
the Russian admission that legality would be death to the rule of 
Russia in Poland, and he desired that legality, as it would be life and 
liberty to Poland. Mb. Kikglake did not think the restoration 
scheme feasible, and praised Austria. After some other speeches, Lord 
Palmerston defended the course of the Government, dwelt, on the 
influence which Public Opinion had upon mouarchs, r< served announce- 
ment of the course which we should taie consequent on the Russian 
answer, but intimated that the first thing to be brought about was the 
stoppage of the slaughter. The French press considers the English 
debate contemptible, and worthy of a selfish nation that will talk as 
much as you please, but will act only when its own material interests 
are at stake. 

Tuesday. The Lords had another innings at the eternal Eish Bill. 
This must certainly be known as the Fishy Session. We are getting 
some glimmering of an idea as to the nature of the measure, which 
seems intended to assimilate the fish law of Ireland with that, of England 
and Scotland, and to prevent salmon-murder. We imagine that the 
Bill must be just, because it is so furiously opposed. It has passed. 

The Commons talked about Japan, and Mb. Layard encouraged us 
with hopes that we shall hang the Japanese aristocracy generally, a 
slight remedial process which is all that is necessary to our getting on 
very well with the Tycoon aud his lieges, and which therefore had 
better be 'effected at once, in the interest of trade. The very hard 
case of Mr. Bewicke came up. He fired a pistol out of window, 
and some scoundrel sheriff's officers perjured him into prison, and 
while he was there Greenwich Hospital seizid and sold all his goods. 
His innocence established, he is released and ruined, but, the Editor 
of the Book of Praise thinks that it would be establishing a bad pre- 
cedent to compensate him, and that a certain average of injustice must, 
be borne by British subjects. 

Our friend Mr. Darby Griffith, of whom not much hath been lately 
heard, popped up again, and made some observations which a Minister 
said were not unreasonable. We forget what they were about, nor does 
it much matter. 

Wednesday was chiefly remarkable for the vain attempts of Sir 
Roundell Palmer aud Sir George Giiey to break the laws of the 
House. They each tried to bolt before a House could be made. The 
Solicitor-nearly got out, but was captured and sent back to his place, 
but the Secretary was instantly arrested by the Sergeant-at-Arms. 
The same day Judge Bbamwell declared in open court, that if Lord 
Palmebston were put, before him " he would try him like any other 
man." It is truly gratifying to behold how equal are all Englishmen 
before the law. The French say they are, but the French sometimes 

make little mistakes, which are. corrected before the tribunals. The 
Boiling Down of Statuses Bill went through committee, and was 
loolishly hindered by certain Parliamentary sciolists. Be it mentioned 
that this measure repeals, inter alia, several clauses in JHagna dhavta. 
What will Lord Russell say? To be sure the clauses have already 
been virtually repealed for a couple of hundred years. A measure 
called the Rum Duty Bill was read a second time, and we must really 
protest against so very familiar, not to say vulgar a way of describing 
an impost. At the same time we are free to admit that some of our 
duties as well as some of our pleasures are exceedingly rum. 

Thursday. The Foresters of Birmingham, copying the example of the 
Aristocrats of Sydenham, assembled in a great, crowd, on the previous 
Monday, to see a woman, named Powell, perform some dangerous 
leats akin to those performed by a man named Blondin. The scene 
was Aston Park, a place inaugurated by the Queen aud Pbince Albebt, 
and devoted (as was suppose! in this case ami m that of the Crystal 
Palace), to rational recreation. M. Blondin has not yet been killed, 
but Mrs. Powell's rope broke, and she died. Sho would h^ve been a 
mother in three months. How the Aristocrats would act under similar 
circumstances remains to be seen. The Foresters continued their 
revels, danced, and finished with fireworks. Tne subject was brought 
before Parliament by Lord Malmksbury and Mr. Doulton, and the 
answer of Government is, that no doubt, such things are very deplorable, 
but as the public likes such exhibitions "it is diiff-ult," to interfere, but 
the Press (to which it is sometimes very convenient for great folks to 
appeal, and which at other times it is equally convenient, to repudiate), 
is requested to express itself strongly on the matter. We conceive thai, 
we do so by simply stating the faets, and adding that the plea of the 
Government, is a most unworthy one. W the vcr, highest idea of a 
Government is, as Sydney Smith says, a S' out Constable, even that, 
officer should prevent demoralising exhibitions. Sir Geobge Grey 
himself could interfere when M. Blondin proposal to carry a child— 
not unborn— along the Sydenham rope. Parliament would give him 
a prohibition Bill in three days, if he. is afraid to act, without one. 

Lord Palmbkston, in reply to Mr. Seymour Fitzgerald, entered 
into the Sleswig rlolstein affair, and said that D.-innark mjyM be sup- 
ported against any improper action by other powers, rneani, g Prussia 
and Austria. "They would not have to contend with Denmark 

Mr. Cobden renewed his protest against the supply of ships to the 
Confederals, and Lord Palmerston replied that the case was not, one 
of a belligerent and a rebel, but, of two belligerents, and that according 
to the doctrine of the Americans themselves, a neutral may supply a 

Sir Charles Wood aud his India budget. India is Paying. 

Friday. Lord Shaftesbury concluded his Parliamentary work for 
the year with a speech worthy of himself. He called attention to the 
injuries and cruelties inflicted upon Children engaged in certain manu- 
factures and occupations, and he showed that thousands of white 
children are in all save the name, ill-treated Slaves. We recommend 
the details of his speech, painful as they are, to the attention of sub- 
scribers to missionary societies, and spouters against, American slavery. 

An animated debate on Poland. Lord Russell modified tin' decla- 
ration that, England would not go to war with Russia. Lord Strat- 
ford condemned the "brutal" feeling of Russia towards I he Poles. 
Loud Malmesbury thought that we ought not to have remonstrated, 
but ought lo have withdrawn our Ambassador. Lord Ellenborough 
thought we ought to enforce our demand. 

The Commons held their last Conversazione, and multifarious were 
the topics. The Solicitor-General gave Mr, Pope Hennessy a most 
severe snubbing for his opposition to the Statutes Revision Bill, ami 
called him a smatterer who had crammed himself wiili notions from an 
old edition of Blackstone, a little Plymn of Praise like that sung by 
the converted pugilist over the body of Colonel Quagg. University 
Tests came up, Mr. Henley was very amusing, and the Finance. 
Minister, who is also the Minister of Religion, insisted that " a definite 
faith must have a set of tests," though lie thought the present ones 
might be amended. Mr. Milnes complained of the Abbey charges for 
admitting Monuments. Mr. Cox dwelt upon the frightful increase of 
Infanticide; Mr Hunt expatiated upon the immorality of crinoline; 
and Mr. Kinglake urged that we should help Poland. Lobd 
Palmerston answered these aud other speakers, spoke hopefully of 
Greece, promised a scheme for utilising the, Exhibition Land, aud 
pledged himself to act in concert with France and Austria as to Poland. 
So ended the last Friday of the Session, for on 

Saturday, at, the Trafalgar, Mrs. Habt expected every man in the 
Cabinet to do his duty by her Whitebait, and was not disappointed. 

Last from St. Martin's-le-Grrand. 

If a Post Office Clerk plays truant and goes to the Alexandra Park, 
why can't Sir Rowland blow him up? Because the young fellow 
takes the way to Muzzle Hill. 



[August 1, 1863. 

1 n 


Half a score more newspapers have been 
suppressed by the Police for the very sufficing 
reasons which we here suhjoin : — 

For saying that King William shook, his 
head last Wednesday, but there is reason to 
suppose that there was nothing in it. 

For saying that in England a person may 
talk politics without being beheaded lor it. 

For criticising the appearance of Eockum 
Dollfs his hat, and repeating a report that 
some one had been somewhere heard to say 
he wore a white one. 

For quoting the statement in Joe Miller's 
English history, that King Charles the 
First walked and talked half-an-hour after 
his head was cut ofF. 

For using the word "pig-headed" in a 
leading article about the King of Daho- 
mey, it beiDg obvious that King William 
was the personage referred to. 

For prophesying that the time will come 
I when Prussia will no longer have a tho- 
, roughly free press. 

' For saying that a Policeman was found 
last week in London in the act of kissing a 
(Cook: this statement being invented with 
| the view to bring discredit upon Police 
constables in general, and those in Prussia 
in particular. 

For stating as a fact in Natural History, 
that a Cat may look at a King, even though 
he be a Prussian one. 


The process of restoration has lately 
proved a bent-fit to other works besides those 
j of the Mediaeval church builder. We are 
I glad to hear that within the last few days a 
j very good umbrella has been restored. 


1 Advice Gratis. — An anxious mother 
I writes to know what is the best dress for 
I her little son John ? We should say a Jacket. 



The Committee of the Ancient Order of Slaughterers beg to announce 
to the Nobility, Gentry and Mining Public in general, that their Annual 
Fete will lake place on Monday next, ou which occasion an entertain- 
ment of unparalleled sensational interest will be produced for this day 





The Committee feeling a deeply rooted aversion to all performances 
of a brutalising nature, and anxious to give confidence to the most 
nervous spectator, have at an enormous expense provided an 


Which will be laid down within range of the projectile. 

After which Dancing to Cripples' Band, the whole to conclude with 

A Grand Display of Fireworks. 

Introducing new and beautiful devices, representing 


In the last stage of intoxication, illuminated by blue candles and ani- 
mated by 


N.B. No money— under any circumstances— returned. 


Literature is a good thing, and so is exercise of lungs; but 
sometimes when combined they are productive of a nuisance. This 
the calling of cheap newspapers by loud-voiced little boys has of late 
iu London most undoubtedly become. No sooner does Mr. Punch get 
into a train of quiet thought than the 'Apenny CCborn Times is dinned 
into bis ears; and this in a few moments is followed by the Penny 
Newgate News, or the Farthing Strand Gazette. 

Nearly every parish has iis local "organ" for expressing its opinions, 
and these organs are almost as great a nuisance as the barrel ones, for 
their names are bawled and shrieked and screamed and squalled about 
the streets in a manner quite distracting to men of quiet habits, and 
who are not deaf. Ou a Sunday morning, too, when after six days' 
row one sighs to be at peace, some of the cheap weekly papers are still 
cried ; and the bellowing of their names is as much" a crying nuisance 
as that of " Chayny owringe," or " Fine fresh Hob-o-o-oy," with which 
one's ears are tortured later in the day. 

Whether the Police have power to stop these criers is a question 
which Sir Richard Mayne may kindly look to : but as penny news- 
papers are a new invention, it is doubtful if old Acts of Parliament 
extend to them. Mr. Punch would therefore ask that a Bill for the 
Relief of Quiet People like himself should be brought in by the Govern- 
ment without the least delay ; and he trusts that iu the meantime full 
permission will be granted him, and all tormented persons, without any 
rifk of fiudiug themselves fined for an assault, to wollop, welt, lick, cuff, 
kick, thrash, and summarily punish ^any penny-paper-crying brat whom 
they can catch. 

Thoughtful Editing. 

The new number of the Quarterly seems arranged with reference to 
the season. The prominent articles are, the Glacial Theory, the Church 
of Rome, and Spiiitualism. Come, Ice, Wafer, and Liqueur are not bad 
hints in this weather. 

August 1, 1863.] 




Boisterous Relative. " Hullo I Gits, my hearty, why I haven't seen you for ages ! 
Gus (alarmed). "Hoy/ Keep off! Keep back, stand o' one side I Don't come near me 
I you 1 've just adjusted 7ny /Sights ! " 

How arc you ? Give us your hand, my " 

How d'e do. Glad 'see you, tut keep off at present, 


We Lave pleasure in observing that Lord Russell owns the fact 

That a barren controversy it is idle to protract ; 

From unnecessary argument we 're glad that he abstains, 

And a practical solution of the question that remains 

With us wishes to arrive at— much we thank him for his pains. 

Every party to a Treaty— let us grant what 's very true — 

Has a right that same to construe from that party 's point of view ; 

That 's to say provided always its construction 's so far fair 

As to rest within the limits of the sense the text will bear. 

Bootless is that right exerted ; act upon 't for ought we care. 

Of a Government the basis, if the governors are wise, 
In the confidence not only of the governed, mind you, lies ; 
But as much, and, I may rather say, in fact, a great deal more, 
In respect for its authority, which force must first restore; 
Then pacific moral measures we may try, but not before. 

Those demands which you inviie us so politely to concede, 

But express our august master's gracious will ; they do indeed. 

They 're ukases long ago decreed in his imperial brain : 

That is where they are at present ; that is where they must remain. 

Ere we can say more about them order must in Warsaw reign. 

You for Poland "ask a Charter framed with points in number six, 
Much his Majesty thinks of them, but that they'll result in "nix," 
Won't restore the reign of order, won't appease unquiet souls, 
Won't keep down a population, whom, save terror, naught controls, 
Eor they don't express the wishes of the sanguinary Poles. 

Whilst our Emperor's intentions must in contemplation rest, 

An armistice is of all things an impossible request, 

'Twould amount to a concession which we really couldn't stand; 

Bayonet we cannot lay by, hold artillery and brand, 

Drop the scourge, take down the gallows, stay the hangman's busy hand. 

We can let no European Congress those six points discuss 
With irrelevant palaver, most impertinent to us, 
Dignity forbids us too with France and England to debate 
On administrative details, special to the Russian State, 
Ordered all by an omniscient autocratic Potentate. 

But two other States there are with us indissolubly bound, 

In a solidarity so strict we share one common ground, 

Since we three divide that kingdom which we three combined to seize; 

Them we shall be very happy lo accept for referees : 

We 'II arrangements m.ike with Austria and with Prussia, if you please. 

But until the Polish rebels to submission shall return 

We shall shoot them, hang them, flog their women, waste, destroy and 

So excuse us if we don't accept your liberal invitation ; 
To do nothing of the kind it is our fixed determination : 
You may all accept the assurance of our high consideration.' 

The Best of Albert Monuments. 

It is announced that the people of Belfast intend to erect a stately 
clock-tower as the local memorial to Prince Albert. This design 
shows Belfast a great deal faster than it was generally thought to be. 
Belfast indeed may be said to be a Bell as last as the Clock which it 
proposes to dedicate to the memory of the Prince Consort. There is 
a smart gracefulness in the idea of a testimonial which will indicate the 
Priuce to be a man of all time. 

Dancing.— The old step, that we now everywhere" find going out, is 
the Door-step. 



[August 1, 1863. 


Uobltfsst is ©blijinjj. 






TT lias been the wisdom of the Aristocracy of England,' ever since the first institution of that Order, to.keep the mean between the two 
■*- extremes of too much stiffness in refusing, and of too much easiness in admitting any variation.from its habits. 

The Aristocracy may confidently appeal to the readers of the History of England, whether the Order has not in other days done its duty 
in every relation of society. 

It now feels that it has another Mission, and one which it is bound to fulfil, no less by considerations of duty than of interest, to which 
latter it has not the affectation of pretending to be more superior than the commercial, artistic, ecclesiastic, or literary world. 

For some time past theJPublie has observed, with curiosity, and it is hoped with gratification, that a.largenumber of Hotel Schemes 
have been issued. Projects for the establishment of gigantic Inns in various parts of the Metropolis and of the provinces have appeared, and 
the names of the chief promoters of these Hotels have been names in the Peerage. It was rendered evident Jhat the Aristocracy had resolved 
to make a decided move in favour of the comfort and civilisation of society. 

This was a tentative movement. It was desired to ascertain whether the opinions of society were sufficiently advanced to permit it to 
approve the mingling of its acknowledged and rightful leaders with the class usually engaged in speculative and culinary pursuits. 

The result shows that the Public is highly pleased with the determination of the Aristocracy to makejtself useful, and the Hotel Schemes 
to which noble names are attached are largely taken up by the classes appealed to. ; .The Aristocracy is therefore justified in making itself still 
more useful, and advancing a step further. 

Aurangements have been made by which the entire Service of the hew Hotels and of others shortly to be erected may 
be performed by male and female members of the aristocracy. 

The Upper Glasses conceive that by thus bringing themselves into contact with those beneath them, the former will be enabled to do 
much towards the civilisation of the latter in the matter of manners, of taste, and at the same time honourable and lucrative occupation will be 
found for numerous members of a class which has hitherto been charged with indolence and extravagance. 

The first of these Hotels will shortly open (due notice will be given), and the whole Service will be performed by the Aristocracy. The 
Cook will be a cordon bleu, that is a E.G., and the Butler an eminent ex-diplomatist. The Chamberlain will have filled a similar office at Court. 
The Waiters will be selected, with reference to their intelligence and activity, from the Peerage and the Household liegiments, and the 
Commissioners will previously have acted as Queen's Messengers. 

The public has nothing to fear, or apprehend, from its betters. The strictest civility will be practised, and the soundest morality will be 
a sine qua non. No fees to Waiters. 

Purifier particulars will be announced, as will other arrangements by which the Services of Lady Members of the Aristocracy will be 
secured for the Female Department of the Hotels. 

A Pictorial Representation of the Interior of one of the Establishments of the Noble Hotel-Keepers' Association is annexed, and others 
will be issued as occasion shall arise. 

Applications and Communications may be addressed to the Hon. Petkonius Arbyter, 85, Fleet Street, London, E.C. 



A Probable Scene, if our Noble 


rds go on Dabbling in Business. 

August 1, 1863.] 




ictory ! Wictory ! 
A Great battle has 
been fought, and the 
Northerners (of Lon- 
don) have won. Led 
by General Bead- 
field, they have 
bravely waged their 
exterminating war- 
fare, and have swept 
away no fewer than 
five - and - twenty 
'pikes. Six-and-fifty 
side bars have also 
fallen before them, 
and the gallant Toll 
Reformers now may 
boast that in the 
North of Town their 
triumph is complete. 
All true friends of 
progress 'will exult 
at this success, and 
will hope to see the 
Southerners ere long 
achieve the like. A 
terrible enemy to 
comfort is the turn- 
pike gate, and one 
that it behoves all 
men of sense to light 
against. So we trust 

that the late victory will be promptly followed up, and that„the gallant General 
Bradfield will soon win another laurel-wreath. It has taken him eight years 
to smash the turnpikes in North London; but we hope that in the South the 
foe will not be quite so obstinate. To carry on his operations he of course 
requires support ; but as Punch is on his side, success of course is certain. " Toll 
for the brave " was once the poet's proposition ; but " No toll for the brave " is 
General Bradfield's stern demand, and he is not the man to rest till what he 
asks has been complied with. 


Although Sir Edwin Landseer has determined the 
size, shape and position of the Nelson Column lions, he 
has as yet only got as far as the paws in his work. 

In answer to numerous inquiries, we beg to inform the 
curious upon the subject, that during practice time in the 
hot weather the Members of the Honourable Artillery 
Company do not drink iced cannonade. 

Mr. W. A. Mathews, of Sheffield, has determined to 
establish some large Cutlery works in the Falkland Islands. 
Henceforth the Geographical Society have decided that 
they shall be known on the Map as the Knife-and-Falkland 

A new Umbrella is to be opened very speedily by the 
Lord Mayor : he is merely waiting for the first favour- 
able day. 

We were, a paragraph ago, mentioning umbrellas; we 
will, in returning to the subject, announce that an emi- 
nent member of the Bar, after an extensive mess dinner on 
circuit, took Silk (somebody j else's) and left Stuff 
(his own). 

The Royal Academicians have held an extra meeting. 
Several propositions seriously affecting the interests of 
Art have been adopted. We hear that the President feels 
inclined to sanction the introduction of Lay Figures as 
Members of the Committee. A second minute is, that 
when works are not to be hung, the painters will not be 
kept in suspense as to their fate. 

Talking of Painters, the Metropolitan Plumbers are going 
to give a dinner in honour of Mr. Glaisher. They have 
asked him to take the Chair, and he has kindly given his 
twentieth Balloon assent to their request. 

The Maories, we hear from private sources, have 
entirely altered their places with regard to the "King- 
movement ; " they wish to imitate the City folk, and have 
one man in authority over them, who shall be called the 
Lord Maori. 

The Jockey Club have decided that a professional Book- 
maker, after making his book, shall consider his engage- 
ments as Binding. 


a 3Lag for the agriculturists. 

With " faithful " cider drinkers, adown the bannered.way, 

I sought the plain where Royalists stood iu July array; 

" Hoof and Harrow " is the watchword instead of " Church and 

King; " 
Worcester lias known no prouder sight since Langan met Tom Spring. 

Lord Eversley and Brandreth Gibbs were P. M.'s in 

While Pain, aud Lent, and ; MiLWARD held their own brigades iu 

Dashing upon blood ponies, east and west and everywhere, 
Aud halting mid their labours for a luncheon with the Mayor. 

Torr with his purple badges proved the Boyle Roche bird a dunce, 
By entering an appearance in places three at once, 
Committee— Implements — Finance : then scaling a sheep pen, 
With the concentrated energies of half a score of men. 

I saw the "racing engines," the washing machines, and roots, 
Judge Unthank with his light cigar, aud long judicial boots, 
Lady Emily Pigot noting the stock all round, 
And patting the three " darlings " which had won her forty pound. 

I watched the " Shorthorn Nestor" with a meal tub for his throne, 
And a glance like to a falcon's, balance flesh and hair and bone ; 
Oh ! those eight grand in-calf heifers ! Oil ! that deftly handled cord 
In the 'cute strategic movements of Cuddy and John Ward ! 

Tallant's hand is seen no longer, Douglas sends no Queen or Rose, 
But a Flower-girl si rews glory upon Scotland and " Montrose;" 
If Gunter's Duchesses prefer the pleasant vales of Wharfe, 
Bates' blood has still a flyer and " it proved an Essex calf." 

Hats off for Queen of the Ocean! Joe's white hat wears no willow, 

" A family thrashing " from Thorney Holme is not a thorn in his pillow ; 

Joe wins six times, and Fred's Farewell "took just a rum 'un to 

beat her ; "— 
Ain't Strafford sweet on Hegan's and eloquent on Pretorf 

There 's Duckham deep in " the numbers" of white face and mottle lore 
The chronicler of Sovereign., Sir David, and Cotmore : — 
Hail to the bulls by Sir Benjamin, but sad 's the Rea bulletin : 
Now for a chat with Monkhouse near his " Sam" and Clementine. 

Well may the sightless veteran o'er his "growthy lass" wax merry, 
He has beat victorious Roberis and polished oft' old Perry ; — 
If Quartly and Jim Davy shirk the Devon battle bruut, 
We 've a Royal Rose of Denmark and Prince Alfred in tiie front. 

Choice morsels are the Southdowns, and ye Baron Walsingham 
Willi Webb's John Day to train them, has well nigh " skinned the 

Colonel Inge has vanquished Sanday, for the shearling ewes and tup, 
But " George" observes " "Pis only our own blood cropping up." 

Barford takes up his parable, on Bakewell and "shear 'em fair," 
And clasps the hand of Howard, for sending his ewe-pen bare : 
With Oxford memories in his head and magisterial frown, 
He steps round to the Cotswolds for a word with Mr. Browne. 

Pig classes ! Crisp and Wain man, Hewer, Sexton— the old story— 
A boar called Macaroni, aud a sow— sweet Annie Laurie ; 
if there be a sight Leeds dodgers and their pigs don't understand, 
it is Professor Simonds with the " mouth screw " in his hand. 

And eke a learned Baron near " The Hundred Pound " domain, 
Had a look at Master Martin, and didn't look again : 
As I scanned the hunter sires in the ring and in the shed, 
I pondered much within myself how full a third were bred. 

Neville hung upon wires, Tom Sayers went in with a zest, 

But as for the groom squad's going, decidedly bad was best ; — 

With Teddington's daughter betnnd him, Booth's cup of triumph is 

There TuM Brooks stands in ecstasy with Barthropp, o'er John Bull ! 

From this k field of peaceful warfare, may there spring rich " battle 

A grander stamp of hunters, better bacon, rarer "theaves," 
Sieers that will more than satisfy, with " breeches," back, and chine, 
The wary eye of Bufion aud the shade of Carwardinjs. 



[August 1, 1863. 

Doctor. "There's not much the matter with him, but I think we must cut off his 

I aliment." 
Master Tom (with intense alarm). "Oh/ Ma! Will it hurt me ? " 


People •who like puffs may find one in the following. 
We take it from the Manchester Guardian: — 

A TEERS— Lieut. Colonel J. H. Deakin has decided to Clothe 
the entire Regiment, numbering some four bundred^strong, with very 
superior Scarlet Cloth Tunics and Blue Doeskin Trousers; the Band, 
White Melton Tunics and Blue Trousers ; the Officers to wear bright 
extra superfine Scarlet, with elaborate Silver Lace Embroidery, de- 
noting their insignia of rank. The whole contract, exceeding £1,000 
in amount, has been entrusted to one of our own talented tradesmen, 
Mr. Israel Levy, Shudebill, Army Contractor of Clothing, which he 
intends completing the early part of the ensuing month, previous to 
the general inspection by the officer appointed by Her Majesty's 
Government. The band played on Friday evening last upon the 
premises of Mr. Levy, expressive of their voluntary pleasure of the 
clothing and the clothier. 

" Reform your Tailors' Bills ! " was once a well- 
known notice. " Reform your Tailor's Advertisements" 
would, if the above be a fair specimen, seem quite as much 
to be desired. For of course we must presume that the 
tailor was the author of the notice which we quote: the 
way in which he puffs himself as "one of our talented 
tradesmen" makes it clear that the advertisement proceeded 
from his pen. What he means by saying that the band 
expressed " their voluntary pleasure of the clothing and the 
clothier" is more than, this hot weather, we can undertake 
to think. But we can undertake to say that were our 
tailor pleased to advertise that we were pleased with clothes 
he made for us, we should take good care in future not to 
tell him of our pleasure, lor we have little wish to see our 
name made use of for a puff. 

By the bye, we wonder what the tunes were which the 
band played " expressive of their pleasure." Had their 
uniforms been green, "With Verdure Clad" would have 
been quite a proper air lor the occasion ; but as their 
dress consists of white tunics and blue trousers, while the 
uniform of the regiment is of blue and scarlet cloth, we 
presume that one of the lunes selected for the evening was 
the " Bed, White, and Blue." 

The Index to the Mind. 

When an Actor " makes up " his face for a performance, 
it is a legitimate consequence of his having previously made 
up his mind to goon the stage. 


A Resolution moved by Mr. H. Berkeley, the other night, 
affirmed "that the grievances suffered by William Bewicke, as 
detailed in his petition to this House, presented on the 28i.h of April 
last, are such as entitle him to the consideration of Her Majesty's 
Government." Mr. Bewicke's grievances consisted in having been 
for the space of one year, confined and afflicted as a felon under a 
sentence of penal servitude, in the loss of property occasioned by for- 
feiture of his goods, and in ruined health, the consequence of misery. 
He, an English country gentleman, was the victim of a conspiracy 
trumped up by bumbailiffs on whose false evidence he was found guilty 
of firing on them in the execution of their duty, with intent. His 
entire innocence having been subsequently proved, he received a free 
pardon for having been condemned by mistake, was let out of gaol with 
a shrunken frame, and had the proceeds of the sale of £1800 worth of 
goods restored to him in the sum of £430, minus £50, deducted for law 
expens' s. 

The Solicitor-General thus showed cause why justice should be 
denied to this gentleman : — 

"A somewhat similar case would be remembered, in which a clergyman was 
convicted of a very serious charge, lost his appointment 'in consequence, and was 
imprisoned; but the principal witness against him was afterwards convicted of 
perjury, and he then received a pardon. That would be a case for a claim against 
the Government, and nobody could tell how many such claims would be made, or 
what would be their magnitude, because in the exceptional case of Mr. Barber, the 
House of Commons, acting on the report of a select committee, had thought fit to 
award a pecuniary compensation." 

The case, the Solicitor-General says, is common. Ay, lawyer, 
it is common. So common, you sav, that, if redress were granted to 
Mr. Bewicke, "nobody could tell how many such claims would be 
made, or what would be their magnitude!" Pleasant information, 
this, for English gentlemen who sit at home at ease and dream, or have 
hitherto sat, aud dreamt that British justice is superior to foreign. Any 
one of them may, at the next Assizes, be degraded through perjury 
from a 'squire to a felon, imprisoned, outraged, disabled, beggared, or 
if by chauce, "pardoned" for his innocence after having been punished 

I for it a year or so, refused any reparation of the cruel wrong which has 
been done him. 

I The reason why no amends can be made for the penal maltreatment 
which a man, as in Mr. Bewicke's case, has been subjected to by legal 
fallibility is, according to the Solicitor-General, because such cases 
are so numerous that to do them justice would be very chargeable. 

1 Government cannot pay its creditors of this description. Their multi- 
tude is too great for the satisfaction of their claims. 

But then, how is it that compensation is awarded to Proctors, and 
other practitioners in reformed Courts, for the merely anticipated loss 
of their business ? Nay, if the State cmuot afford to do justice, it may 
as well treat all hands with impartial iniquity. Who is entitled to 
compensation if Mr. Bewicke is not? Let No Compensation be the 
cry with which the Solicitor-General, at the next election, will go 
to the hustings. No Compensation for people driven over by other 
people. No Compensation for killed and wounded by railway accidents. 
No Compensation for anybody ! 

Mr. Bewicke defended himself at his own trial. Surely the Solici- 
tor-General does not think that he ought, therefore, to be made an 
example of. 

As the Government declines to help the unduly condemned, could 
they not help themselves? Suppose Mr. Bewicke, the Clergyman 
alluded to by the Solicitor-General, and all the other persons, of 
whom according to that learned gentleman there are so many, who have 
been convicted and punished on perjury, get up amongst them an 
Exhibition of their effigies in waxwork. It would beat Tussaud s 
Chamber of Horrors. 

In the meanwhile, gentlemen, charge your glasses. Let us drink, 
The Law; and the Land We Live In. 

Needles and Fins. 

A Muscular member of the Alpine Club writes to say, that in 
climbing the summit of the Needles he has reached the p«"»nacle of 
his ambition. 

August 1, 1863.] 





Enterprising Tradesman. " Are you engaged to a Butcher, Miss ? (Carry, 
confused, " Really I—")— which we shall be 'appy to purtvide the fam'ly, Miss- primest 
jints— lowest market price— p'rhaps you '11— 

[Exit Carry with her retrousse nose very much more so. 


The Lancet says that the Medical Profession has an inge- 
nious device for increasing its income. It seems that the 
Doctor accepts a commission from the Undertaker for 
recommending the latter to the notice of afflicted survivors : 

" A well-known practitioner but a few weeks previously received 
for one funeral ' one piece of business ' be bad recommended no less 
a commission tban £50 ! ' You see, Sir,' said our informant, 'it was 
a first case. Tbe maximum commission is usually 20 per cent. ; but 
in this instance, anxious to secure tbe interest of tbe gentleman, who 
is rapidly rising in practice, and the job being a good one, 25 per cent, 
was given.' " 

The information is suggestive, and as it comes from 
such good authority it cannot be disputed. Now, it is 
calculated to make us rather uncomfortable, and we will 
tell you why. If our Doctor can get £50 for suggesting an 
Undertaker, it is offering our Doctor a very strong tempta- 
tion to make an Undertaker necessary ; for £50 is a precious 
deal more than our Doctor's bill is likely to come to. 
Argal, we take this opportunity of informing all Doctors 
and Undertakers, that, hating the latter, as Ghouls, and 
also detesting the black farce which they enact, we have 
left in our Will express orders for the very cheapest 
funeral that can be performed, in the event of our wanting 
one at all. We earnestly recommend the same course to 
all readers, and then there will be more money for their 
families, the Undertakers will gnash their teeth, and the 
Doctors will not get much commission. Much obliged to 
the Lancet, and we are sure that the Profession will be equally 
obliged ; for whereas its good and high-minded men may be 
counted by thousands, the low beasts who would accept 
an undertaker's mouldy hire are comparatively few. Still, 
there are such, and they should be hunted. , 

Cautions to Public Trespassers. 

Play no Organs. 

Germati Bands Beware! 

Negro Minstrels will be prosecuted with the utmost rigour 
of the law. 

The Police have orders to take all Street Preachers into 

Why cannot Parliament pass a short Act, empowering 
any one person whose comfort is destroyed by street-noises, 
to have the above notices put up in the street, square, 
terrace, or other place in which he resides, and rendering 
all vagabonds who disregard them liable to imprisonment 
with hard labour, and, if necessary, whipping ? 


(To Lord Cowley.) 

Your Lordship will have read, in the public journals, a copy of a 
petition said to have been presented to his Majesty the Empeuoii of 
the French by certain subjects of his Imperial Majesty, praying- him 
to vindicate the nationality of Poland by the force of arms. 

Pbince Gortschakoff, your Lordship is aware, has addressed to 
Baron Biujnnow a despatch which contains a peremptory rejection of 
the proposals made to the Bus siau Cabinet by Her Majesty's Govern- 
ment, in concert with that of Prance, with a view to the pacific solution 
of the Polish questiou. 

The refusal of Prussia to treat with the Allied Powers on any practical 
basis of agreement may be. thought to entitle popular demands which, 
but for it, might be regarded as the premature expression of a generous 
enthusiasm, to some attention. 

In this conjuncture, the Emperor Napoleon the Third, apart 
from the definite contemplation of any change in the nature of that 
policy which his Majesty's Government, in accordance with that, of the 
Queen, has hitherto pursued with regard to the Polish difficulty, 
might like to know what extent of co-operation, in giving unlimited 
effect to the sympathies of Prance for Poland, lie might expect from 
this country. 

With a view to the anticipation of any such wish that may exist in 
the mind of his Imperial Majesty, I may inform you that the formation 
of any decision as to concurrence in that ulterior course which his 
Majesty may deem requisite for the liberation of Poland is, for the 
present, altogether precluded by an insurmountable obstacle. 

That obstacle is the presence of the French Army in Bone. 

The removal of that alien pressure which prevents the Bomans from 

accomplishing their desired union with the Italian nation would enable 
the British people to see what they would do in aid of any ultimate 
measures which the Emperor of the French may judge necessary for 
the restoration of Polish nationality. 

You will read this despatch to M. Drouyn de l'Huys, and give him 
a copy of it,. And you may tell him that what is sauce for the goose is 
sauce for the gander, and that I do not see the fun, or rather that 1 do 
see the fun, because I see the injustice and absurdity, of pursuing 
towards Italy and towards Poland respectively, lines of policy which 
are as wide as the Poles asunder. 

(Signed) $mN<ff$. 

On behalf of Earl Bussell, laid up with 
indigestion after his meal of Humble Pie. 

Out-of-Door Gamester and Summer Sporting Register. 

Buying a Horse. — If you don't understand it, observe the following 
rules : when the horse is trotted out for your inspection, fold your 
arms, frown, shake your head ; listen to the dealer's remarks as if you 
didn't believe a word he said; pass your hand carefully down the 
horse's fore leg ; take two paces back and shake your head again ; pinch 
his neck and give a dubious " Hem ! " as if in doubt, as to his condition ; 
turn to the groom, and in an off-hand manner say, " Just walk him up 
again, will you ? " you may then commit yourself so far as to observe, 
" Yes, he's got some nice points," and leave the rest to another visit, 
when you can bring a horsey friend, perhaps a Cavalry Horseyler, 
who will give you all the necessary information. 

Getting Off. — This may be performed in various ways. Over the 
Head or the Tail as you like ; those who try to adopt these methods 
of dismounting, very often never get over it. 



[August 1, 1863. 


ere is rather an extraor- 
dinary notification by a 


J- have had the misfortune to 
lose their right leg above the 
knee.— A Lady has in her pos- 
LEGS, of first quality and make, 
late the property of a relative, 
and she will be happy to make 
a present of them to any afflicted 
gentleman to whom they would 
be of service. She would prefer 
to give two of them to one gen- 
tleman and one to another, and 
would only be happy if the re- 
cipients_might be Clergymen. 

Divers questions arise 
upon perusing this extract. 
First of all, how did the 
Lady's relative come to 
leave Three Legs ? Was 
he a Manx man, or a tripod ? 
And why would it make 
her happy to know that 
clergymen had lost legs- 
can it be that in other days 
some young priest trifled 
with her heart and then ran 
away, and does she therefore desire to curtail, at random, the 
limbs of ecclesiastics ? It seems that her three-legged relative wore 
elegant legs, for the advertisement states later, that ihey will not do 
"for a hard-working man," and therefore as all clergymen ought to be 
hard-woi king men, we do not like the lady's offering suoli legs to parsons. 
We should like to know something of the character of the legs, or 
rather of their former owner, because they might have a tendency to 
take the wearer into places where parsons arc not expected — Dissenters' 
chapels, let us say— and hence trouble might ensue. But we dare say, 
after all, the lady is a kindly body, and means to do a good-natured 
thing, so she must not be angry with us for laughing at her legs— she 
knows we are always laughing at our own, beautiful as they be. 


Mr Judge Raines is the Judge of the Hull Bankruptcy Court, 
and i his is the only thing we ever heard against him, or for him, or 
about him, until the other day. Ou that date there came before him a 
bankrupt bookseller named Empson. This individual had four years 
ago published an early novel by Miss Bkaddon, authoress of Aurora 
Floyd, and of Eleanor's Victory, and of other remarkable books. The 
earlier book did not succeed, Mr Empson alleging that London publishers 
always try to crush works brought out in the provinces. He does not 
say how much he gave Miss Braddon for the book, but states that the 
expense of " getting it out" was above £200. Wheu printing, adver- 
tising, and puffing are charged, there would not be much left for an 
author out of £200. To the non-success of this book, four years ago, 
Mr. Empson " partly attributes his failure," which, as his debts are but 
£200, seems a jump backwards at a conclusion. Miss Braddon has 
since takeu the town by storm, and holds it. Mr. Judge Raines is 
good enough to say — 

" If Miss Braddon had made £8,000 out of her works, she could surely afford 
to assist the man who published tier first work, and who had become bankrupt 
through doing so. Ma. Empson said he had not t e slightest expectations from 
Miss Braddon." 

This is certainly a "remarkable dictum from Mb. Judge Baines. It 
i3 possible that any person with £S000 may be able to afford to do an 
act of Quixotic generosity, but it is by no nieaus so clear that he is 
obliged to do it, still less clear that a provincial Judge should cast a sort 
of taunt at him for not doing it. Mr Empson took up Miss Braddon 
as a speculation. Had he made a hit with her early book, it would 
have been a very remarkable thing if she had received a shilling over the 
stipulated price, and why, when she has gone elsewhere, and succeeded, 
she is to be mulcted, we don't see. We never heard of Judge Raines, 
and he may have won every case in which he was ever engaged before 
he became a Judge. But if he did not win all his cases, and any clicut 
thinks that he was aggrieved by Mr. Raines's want of skill or elo- 
quence, that client had better write to the Judge, as now that he is 
in a high place, " he can surely afford to assist any man who speculated 
on his talents, and lost thereby." We make no doubt that Judge 
Raines will be too delighted (if he have been accurately reported in 
the Leeds Mercury) to make such client a handsome present, to which 
such client will be exactly as much entitled as Mr. Empson is to apply 
to Miss Braddon. 


A Paragraph amongst the Winchester news in the Hampshire Inde- 
pendent informs us that the Winchester Temperance ami Band of Hope 
Society celebrated their eighth annual festival ou Tuesday last week, 
by an excursion to Portchester Castle. The celebration of a festival by 
an excursion is hardly intelligible, unless the excursion is supposed to 
be a pilgrimage. A pilgrimage from Winchester to Portchester might, 
to a superficial etymologist, appear somewhat unsuitable for a Society 
based on the principle of moderation in the use of wine and port. 
Such an one will say that it would have been more appropriately per- 
formed by the Winchester Clergy of the last generation, when parsons 
were accustomed to drink wine, and port was regarded as a sort of 
wine, and not as contradistinguished from wine, like most port of the 
present day. 

Our Southampton contemporary reports that :— 

"It being a delightful morning, the members and their friends mustered in great 
force at an early hour, and aided by their efficient band, paraded the principal 
streets of the city, with various emblematic banners, flags, <fcc, followed by an 
immense number of people." 

Apparently, from the above account, the Band of Hope is one that 
plays. The air ''Hope Told a Flattering Tale" may be presumed to be 
one of its customary performances. That, is to say, unless the Band of 
Hope is, as represented in an illustrated periodical which bears its 
name, composed of children. But still, there is no assigning bounds to 
juvenile precocity, or limiting the capabilities of toy-drums, tin-whistles, 
and penny-trumpets. 

That the Winchester Temperance Society, as well as its associated 
Band of Hope, consists of infants, may be presumed from the fact, as 
above stated, that they paraded the principal streets of that city, carrying 
emblematic banners, flags, and other such things, and followed by the 
multitude. Of course no sane and sober adult would join in so childish 
a demonstration as that with which they diverted the Winchester mob. 
Eancy a man marching about and bearing a standard upt eared to inform 
the public that he is accustomed not to drink wine, beer, and grog, or 
to partake of those liquors in small quantities only. What emblems 
ought to decorate the emblematic banners under which men capable of 
that man's impertinence would strut with becoming absurdity ? Con- 
spicuous amongst, such devices, the sense of fitness would surely 
suggest the exhibition of the Pump, the Ass, and the Goose. 

However, we are further told, that when our demonstrative professors 
of sobriety got to Portchester ; after some trouble at the station : — 

"On arriving at the Castle each one seemed to have forgotten their grievances, 
and entered with spirit into the various sports provided for them, such as boating, 
swimming, rifle-shooting, archery, &e., for which valuable prizes were given." 

Now certainly rihV-shooting is not a sport fit for children, unless as 
practised at Cremorne, and the Races, with a cartridge consisting of a 
peppercorn-shot and a copper-cap. There is a maxim which prohibits a 
certain class of adults from being trusted with edge-tools, and a fortiori 
it denies them fire-arms. Yet the Winchester Band of Hopj and their 
companions rejoicing at Portchester, are represented as having entered 
into their spoits " with spirit." It would have been better, perhaps, if 
they had finished them with beer; but alcohol, even in the smallest 
quantity, is unlit for youth, and only the grown-up members of a Tem- 
perance Society can be conceived commencing their sports and pastimes 
with a "nip ; " but those of Winchester, another time, if they must do 
such a thing, had better take sherry and bitters. 

We are happy, however, to learn that " at four o'clock all partook of 
tea," though we are not without suspicious that it contained "some- 
thing short," for we find them described as "returning to Winchester 
about eight," and are apprised that, when they got there, they " marched 
iu precession to the British Hall," from which repeated act of extra- 
vagance it might be surmised that the effects of the tea had not gone 
off. But then, we remember that they exposed themselves after break- 
fast even more outrageously than they did after tea ; and we consider 
that, if they were really babies, tea, particularly iu case there was too 
much green in it, may have been quite strong enough to have got into 
the little fellows' heads. 

In the mean time we wish to point out the wonderful similarity 
which there is between a modern temperance demonstration and a 
frantic Bacchanal procession of classic antiquity. 

The Home of The Fairies. 

You should dwell in the Moon, my sweet Mary,' 
Said 'Gus, while enjoying a " Spoon," 

'Tis the place for a 'witching young Eairy, 
Eor you 've heard of The Fays of the Moon." 


Horatian Motto for a very Convivial Gentleman, " Summa voluntas in 

te-ipsy est." 

August 8, 1863.] 





Everybody is talking about M. Gounod's Faust, and for once the subject of 'general talk is not 
unworthy to be discussed by rational persons. But Mr. Punch does not observe that any critic has 
jet, pointed out the great moral service which the authors and composer have done to the Anti-Street- 
Music Cause. This negligence must arise from the vulgar, aristocratic habit of coming in late. Mr. 
Punch is always in his stall, with his gloves buttoned and his glass out, three seconds before Me. Costa 
raises his stick. Hence Mr. Punch knows all about the opera. 

The moral, placed vividly and in action before the public, is that street music is a wicked thing, and 
drives a sensitive person to madness. Faust is in his chamber, meditating, when a burst of music from the 
street breaks in upon him. He instantly sells himself to , well, to M. Fatjke, and is led into crime. 

Mr. Punch has a stronger mind than Dr. Faustus, and is not in danger of conducting himself with 

indiscretion towards Madame 
Miolan Carvalho, or Made- 
moiselle TiTiENS. But there are 
moments in his life when he is 
conscious that he is in a greater 
rage than is good for him. One of 
these moments is when he is occu- 
pied in polishing an inspiration into 
an epigram, and an Italian fiend 
under the window strikes up " / 
with I were with Dixie" or some 
such memorial of the filthy Ethi- 
opians. If M. Eauee came into 
the room in his red-hot drapery at 
that instant, Mr. Punch would 
probably request him to disappear 
with the other fiend, and then come 
back for a cigar. But, really it is 
only a martyr-soul (as Me. Car- 
lyle says) like Mr. PunchWwX can 
joke over such horrors. He, like 
the party mentioned by Tom 

j Mooee, could write nine' charming 
odes while on the rack. But such 

| fortitude is not given to ordinary 
mortals. He is overwhelmed with 

I appeals from maddened correspon- 
dents, begging him to do something 
towards abating the nuisance. Oue 
tells of a sick wife who had to 
endure half an hour's torture 
because a brown beast would not 
go away, and the policeman was, of 
course, down some area and could 
not be found. Another says that 
a child, just recovering from brain 
fever, was deprived of sleep by a 
similar miscreant. Men who choose 
to read or work at home, and not 
in the sacred but costly silence of 
chambers, say they lose hours by 
the interruptions of the organ 
wretches, and Mr. Punch will cer- 
tainly not be surprised to hear 
that, some tormented worker has 
taken the advice of the Times, 
and delivered himself, with his own 
arm, from the scoundrel grinder. 
Do not ht him hit too hard, how- 
ever. He is only " trying a right," 
aud that may be_ done with dis- 

The pleas that are made for the 
nuisance are, of course, of the most 
ridiculous kind. Oue person says 
that, though the master of a house 
does not like the noise, his children 
and servants do. Therefore, the 
" bread-winner" is to be hindered 
from earning the food of the former 
and the wages of the latter, that 
the children may dance a polka, 
and Maey Hann (who had better 
send her halfpence to her poor old 
parent, than fling them t to that 
unclean beast with the organ) may 
grin at something that reminds her 
of the night she said she had been 
with her sick mother and had been 
at Cree-morn. No decent wife 
would willingly allow her husband 
to be annoyed by the music, any 
more than he would allow it to 
annoy her were she ill. If the 
organs are to be permitted for the 
amusement of the dwellers in alleys 
(aud if they like the noise, there 
can be no objection to their having 
it), let the players go into the 
alleys. They have no right to 
come before the houses of people 
who bate them, and to extort 
money from the fools in the family, 
or from the tortured head of it, 
who pays them to go away. 



[August 8, 1863. 

The Law says that the street is a highway for passengers which no 
one may obstruct. Then let the police be empowered to keep the 
Organists moving. They will soon get tired of that. Sir RiCUARD 
I Mayne is hereby charged with the execution of thi3 Decree. . 


Says the Poet. Well, this boon has been conferred upon us by our 
lively neighbours. If Jotth Bull wishes to see his jolly countenance 
as it, appears to others not far off, he has but to look into the mirror of 
,i Frmch newspaper. He hud better not, however, if he wants to keep 
his countenance, lor he will find that a hard matter. 

A French paper, the Patrie, says :— 

As Punch knows everything, he knows of course how this information 
was obtained by our contemporary. It appears then that, the Editor of 
the Patrie lately commissioned a profound observer and clever photo- 
grapher of social manners— M. Insolent, as special correspondent, to 
inquire into and report upon the— 

" Exorbitant privileges, monstrous abuses, and superannuated institutions of 

The result is before us in the report itself, a monument of intelligent 
industry and historical correctness ; but its length prevents us doing 
more than giving the chief heads of it, or rather a few of them as a 

The first part, as it treats of a matter interesting only to lawyers, we 
will pass over; merely saying, that it, refers to the droit da Seigneur, 
which M. Insolent found universally in force. This privilege: was 
formerly enjoyed exclusively by the Lord Mayor as head of the 
aristocracy, but it was afterwards extended and confirmed to the whole 
of the nobility by the Act of 25th of Oliver Cromwell, cap. 32. 
Everything in Englaud, is rated at a money value. One distinguished 

| nobleman is making an enormous fortune by exhibiting himself nightly 
to a curious public— we are speaking of Mons. le Vtcomte de Dundreary, 
Pair d' Angleterre. 

In the next section, M. Insolent adverts with lively but just indig- 
nation to the unfair advantages enjoyed by Members of the Upper 
House in the rifle contests at Timpledom. The special correspondent 
did not himself witness these contests, taking place as they do in a 
distant and savage part of the Surrey Mountains, but, he was assured 
by a friend who had resided several weeks in Leicester Square, that in 
the match between the Milords and the Commons, while the former 
claimed the right, to take aim in the usual manner, tlie latter were com- 
pelled to fire with their eyes blindfolded, and with their backs to the 
target— a position extremely inconvenient and embarrassing. It was 
by this means that, the Milords were able to snatch a triumph over 

' their antagonists in 1862, and they would perhaps have again succeeded 

! in 1863, had it not been lor an ingenious device, the suggestion, it was 

' said, of that powerful Medium, M. Milner Gibson. 

j The Members of the House of Commons were rendered clairvoyant, 

! and saw the target with the barks of their heads ! 

but we feel that we cannot go on— if is too painful— too humiliating. 

We deeply regret that these and other painful facts should have been 
! made known to our neighbours. We are afraid that we must, appear, 
| to a nation of freemen like the French, much like the knife-grinder to 
! the patriot: — 

" Wretch ! whom no sense of wrongs can rouse to vengeance." 

But we are used to our wrongs, and have learned to bear our burden 
—our spirits are broken by long continued tyranny. " Spiritless Out- 
casts" as we are. 

We even feel so mean as to be pleased to hear that the Patrie has 
got a first warning for publishing that part, of the report, that relates to 
the privileges of the clergy. An exalted personage will not allow even 
an heretical Church to be spoken of uisrespecifully. 

All in the Downs.' 

A Correspondent signing himself " Waverer," nnable to obtain 
any satisfactory reply from Notes and Queries, writes to ask us this 
nautical question, — What, style of sailors are Epsom "Salts?" Let 
" Waverer" look out for the answer in our next, number, or the ose 

The Trutti seen through a Pout-Hole.— When a ship goes 
into port, she usually steadies ; but when port gets into a man, he 
usually reels. 


As the season for Agricultural Meetings and Cattle Shows is 
approaching, we trust that, the few following hints, induced by a visit, 
to the show of the Royal Agricultural Society at Worcester, may not 
be without their use to our non-farming readers.! 

On going up to a beast (always say beast or animal, they are quite 
agricultural terms, and obviate any difficulty you may have in deter- 
mining the sex) punch it in the ribs, at the same time remarking in an 
oracular voice, " well covered," or, " laid on well." Feel in a knowing 
way about the root of the animal's tail, and while doing so, glance along 
its back, and if that back presents a broad flat surface, look round at 
the bystanders and exclaim in notes of admiration. " level as a table." 
Now plunge your hand under its flank with a pulling motion towards 
you. It is not, necessary to accompany this action with anv observa- 
tions as it speaks for itself and for your bucolic knowledge. Moreover, 
farmers are a silent race, so the less you say the better. 

It will be as well for you to confine your remarks to prize animals, 
and if you wish to vary your plan of operation, you can put your hands 
in your breeches' pockets, and, standing a little way off the animal, 
with your legs widish apart, make, as occasion may demand, the follow- 
ing observations. " There's a quarter for you ! " " Magnificent hand ! " 
(we are unable to define clearly the meaning of this latter term, having 
been, until lately, under the impression that, men and monkevs were the 
only animals possessed of hands. We believe, however, that it, refers 
to some part of the foreleg, and we can assure the novice that, judging 
from its frequent repetitiou in reference to prize beasts, it is, on the 
whole, a very safe remark to make.) 

" How much a quarter now ? " This question need not be addressed 
to any one in particular, nor need the speaker have himself the faintest 
notion of the animal's weight, ; for, if unanswered, it looks knowing, 
and he has not committed himself, while should an apparently competent 
authority reply, as is very probable, " getting on for nineteen score, I 
judge," he has oidy to say " that er is, I warrant," to keep up his repu- 
tation. (N.B. It is as well to observe here, that the monosyllable " er " 
is a pronoun of common sender in continual use in rural districts, more 
especially in the West of England, and that the word "warrant" is pro- 
nounced " warn" in the agricultural world.) 

With respect to sheep (which must on all occasions be called " ship "), 
the mode of procedure is simple. It consists merely in laying hold of 
the wool in the middle of the back and endeavouring to give the animal 
a good shake. We advise the novice not to attempt to master the 
scien"e, if we may so term it, of sheep nomenclature; for to confound 
together hogs, tups, and theaves, would at once betray the superficial 
character of his knowledge. 

Armed with the above hints, and a stout stick, which will be found 
very useful in imparting momentary animation to a more than usually 
obese pig, and furnished with a few epithets and short sentences, such 
as, prune, kiud, rare; falls off in the lines; due in the bone, &c, the 
unprofessional visitor to a cattle show may avoid the exhibition of 
gross ignorance, and even stand his ground with the regular farmer. 

Touching the Aston Park Tragedy. 

Now, Ladies of England, and specially you, Ladies of Fashion. Do 
you see what your Queen sa\s? 

Her Majesty describes " Exhibitions attended with dinger to the 
performers " as gratifying only to " Demoralised Persons." 

We presume that the matter is nowsettled, and that ladies will never 
again patrouise such exhibitions. 

Any woman who may do so after Her Majfsty's notification will of 
course be refused admission to Court, or should she slink in, her pre- 
sentation will be "cancelled." No Demoralised Person must approach 
the Queen or the Princess of Wales 

Mr. Punch heartily and respectfully thanks his Sovereign for this 
intervention between fools and victims.} 

The wretched Lodge of Foresters who "continued their festivities" 
after the murder, will of course be dis-afliliated by the rest of the body. 

Perfecting a Title. 

Cektain books should decidedly have certain publishers. En 
instancy we see a little work with the taking title of "Sea Fish— how 
to catch them," published in connection with the name of our estimable 
publishers, Messrs. Bradbury & Evans. This is wrong, and we 
condemn it, as being tailly wanting in point. In our opinion, the pub- 
lisher whose name ought to have announced such a plain question as 
"Sea Fish— how to catch them?" should have been Hookah. 

August 8, 1863.] 




ear Punch, 

" After all, 
the Drama is not 
dead. If you but 
go to the Adtlphi, 
you will see that it 
has not, yet given 
up the Ghost ; and 
it' by chance vou 
went to ihe Dra- 
matic Fancy lair, 
you must have seen 
that ihere are ac- 
tors and act reuses 
in plenty who si ill 
contrive to get a 
living by the stage. 
Like most of us, 
they have to work 
d to do 1 his ; 
but in spite of their 
hard work, they are 
ever willing to in- 
cur some extra la- 
bour for a charitable 
cause. Playing at 
shopkeepers is a 
pretty little pastime 
for fine ladies, who 
can recrnit their languid limbs by lolling on a sofa all the evening alter 
it ; but instead of doing this, the dramatic ladies had to hurry back to 
town, and do their usual professional work without a moment's rest. 
Whatever be their faults, actors certainly are generous in helping one 
another, and deserve to be assisted in their charitable schemes. Those 
'who think they are pious when they're only bilious,' and may 
shrink from giving them support, should be reminded that there 
really is a shadow of disloyalty in condemning what is patronised 
and sanctioned by the Queen. _ That her name stands at the head 
of the patrons of the College is a proof that she approves of that, 
Dramatic Institution; and the knowledge of this lact should tempt all 
loyal subjecls to send in their names at once to swell the Royal list of 
helpers in the charity, which, as needless letter-writing is a nuisance 
this hot weather, they can do by their mere signatures at the bottom of 
a cheque. 

" If it had not been for wishing to say a word in favour of this de- 
serving charity, I should have shrunk just now from writing about, 
anything dramatic. One can't well false much interest in theatrical 
affairs, when one's heart, is in the Highlands, where one wishes that, 
one's legs were. With Saint Grouse Day close at hand, who that cares 
for shooting can care to write or read or talk or think about the 
theatres ? But, alas ! eheu ! oime ! here am I in town, and all that I 
can do is to bewail my cruel lot, and cry, 

" O cursed fate that keeps me from ' the Moor ! ' " 

Clearly there are other Miserables in the world than those whom M. 
Hugo has pictured in his book. But thinking of one's troubles is not 
ihe way to lighten ihem, and so my compliments to the grouse, and as 
I cannot have the pleasure of seeing them this season, I '11 see what 
there may be worth seeing here in town. 

" Since 1 wrote my last, a new star has been visible in the dramatic 
firmament, and by some has been regarded as quite a shining light. 
The very name of Stella seemed to indicate a Star, and possibly her 
plauditors were biassed by this fact. 1 cannot say I thought her a very 
brilliant body, nor can 1 think it probable that she will add much lustre 
1o ShakspeaBe or his stage. Of course 1 speak in all humility while 
thus dissenting from the orthodox ' opinions ol the press.' With only 
one exception, so far as I have seen, the critics have been clamorous 
in thtir commendation, and seemed determined to agree that since the 
memorable night of the debut of Miss O'Keil, no one like M a'amselle 
Colas bad so taken the town by storm. Thus prepared, 1 went to see 
a graceful girlish Juliet, with a slightly foreign accent and a multitude 
of charms <f voice as well as face. I had rather not exactly describe 
what I did see; but though I don't quite think 'a bathe with an 
electrical eel' would be a preferable torture to seeing such a Juliet, I 
cannot say that when I witnessed her performance I felt inclined to join 
much in the plaudits of the house. A Fechter in petticoats would 
not be to my thinking an unpleasant sort of personage, though I must 
own I have a preference for hearing Shakspeare's English spoken by 
an English-speaking tongue. But Ma'amselle Colas cannot act as a 
female Fechter would do, and her Frenchy airs and graces are entirely 
unsuited to the Juliet of the text. As she has not studied English 
more than a few weeks, it would not be fair to criticise her shortcomings 
of speech ; but to me she has a gasping throaty way of utterance which 

is even more unpleasant than her false accentuation, and which she should 
be strongly counselled to amend. As English ladies seem now disap- 
pearing from our stage, we must hold ourselves prepared to see French 
actresses appearing on it, and we must take care not to sneer at, them 
merely for their birth. So, fautede mieux, I '11 gladly welcome a French 
Juliet, when I find her act the character as a female Fechter would. 
But I cannot say that Ma'amselle Colas has done this, nor, in spite 
of all the praises and predictions of the press, can I fancy it is likely 
that, she ever will. 

"The Haymarket is closed, and so is the St. James's, and next week 
i the Lyceum will have followed their example, af'-er running the Bute's 
Motto for 174 nights. The Ticket of Leave Man still continues to 
[ attract at, the Olympic, and its success must be encouraging to lovers 
of the drama, as showing that a play well written and well acted is 
appreciated even in these undrainatic days, when scenes of mere 
I sensation are more praised than scenes of sense. The ever urbane 
j manager Mr. Emden takes his benefit next Saturday. At the Bandbox 
| called the Strand, Mr. Byron is as usual 'all there' with a burlesque, 
| as he was two months ago and still is at the Adelphi, which is quite a 
i favourite haunt now it is haunted by the Ghost. Besides being apparent, 
the Ghost has been made patent ; and this has much increased my feelings 
| of respect for it. Let lighter-minded jesters laugh at me as they will, I 
shall always feel a tickling in my bump of veneration when I ever 
chance to call to mind the pluck, of the professor who conceived the 
bold idea of patenting a ghost ! « Qne whq p AYS , „ 


Nobler and wiser words could not be uttered, our dear De Mobgan. 
Most sensible words. Most sound advice. It is just what we like to 
have said to us. You told the University College boys :— 

" You are going to have your holidays, and I advise you not to have too much to 
do with your books, but to be a great deal in the open air. I advise you to think a 
little every day that your habits of thought may be kept up, but otherwise I would 
not advise you to do too much work." 

Admirable, dear Mr. de Morgan. We intend, now the season is 
over, to go into the country and act in the closest way up to your noble 
advice (perhaps deducting the little thinking) and so, Bless you, De 


[Our Contributor is enthusiastic, but has lost sight of a slight fact or 
two which will be recalled to his mind when he doesn't fiud a letter 
from us at the Post Office.— Ed. P.] 


When I've done pitying aged men 

Cast, out, of homes by Waugh's device, 
Forced to begin hard work again, 

And sell it for a sordid price : 
When I've done pitying sad-eyed wives, 

Thrust from loved hearths to shame and need, 
And girls, once gay, whose poor young lives 

He turned to slavery by his greed : 
Then I will pity Waugh (who su)ks # 

That law denies him " change of air ") 
If there's no felon at the hulks 

To claim what pity 's left to spare. 



During the past week the authorities at the Zoological Gardens have 
been myst ified bv the daily appearance of large numbers of visitors of a 
strange kind. They arc of both sexes, the m< j u are chiefly in ill-made 
black, and the women in sad colours, but dowdies. They tender greasy 
shillings, some of which are rejected by the money-takers. They make 
their way to the Ponds, which they examine, seem enlightened and dis- 
gusted, and go away casting evil glances at the elegant aristocracy of 
the Regent's Park. The thing has been a mystery until yesterday, 
when it was explained by a stout party who was too angry and hot to 
conceal his discomfiture. It seems that the paragraph in the Times, 
stating that " the celebrated Sturgeon may be daily seen swimming in the 
pond near the antelopes," had been copied into the Walworth Chronicle, 
but I he name of the fish had been misspelt with a P for a T. Printers 
should be careful. 

Lispings from Low Latitudes. 

The French papers say that the utmost indignation has been caused 
by t,he_ Grand Duke Constantine's having Toasted Mouravieff. 
Well— it teas pienuture, perhaps, not to say, officious, but how do the 
French papers kuow ? 



[August 8, 1863. 


r Messieubs Death- 


are delighted to inform 
the Suobility and Gent- 
ry and the Enlightened 
Public generally, that, 
thanks to our humane 
and non - interfering 
Government, they are 
enabled to announce 
great additional attrac- 
tions to the lovers of 
sensational acrobatic 
feats. It was feared 
that in consequence of 
a recent broken neck 
and other slight mis- 
haps, there would have 
been a stop put to all 
perilous performances, 
as was stupidly sug- 
gested by weak writers 
for the press. But to 
his honour be it said, 
Sia Geobge Gbey 
when appealed to de- 
clined to interfere, 
alleging that the public 
was the best judge of 
its pleasures, and that 
the mere force of po- 
pular opinion would 
effectually prohibit a 
demoralising show. 
Messieubs Death- 
sead & kbossbones 
have therefore made ar- 

This is one of the Hyde Pabk Keepers having his Carte de Visite taken 

rangements to gratify 
the growing taste for 
seeing necks broken: 
and they are happy to 
announce that, having 
an extensive troupe at 
their command, they 
will be enabled to 
guarantee their patrons 
the certainty of wit- 
nessing three shocking 
catastrophes a-week. 

Messieurs Death- 
sead & kbossbones 
also beg leave to an- 
nounce that, encou- 
raged by the absence 
of all legislative hind- 
rance, they are prepar- 
ing to produce a real 
Spanish Bullfight, with 
all its cruelties and 
casualties, its gor- 
geousness and gore, 
and they have likewise 
in rehearsal some thrill- 
ing gladiator combats, j 
as performed before 
the Emperors in en- 
lightened Ancient 

N.B. Parties attended 
by perilous perform- 
ers, at the very shortest 
notice and on reason- 
able terms. 

S3" Educational es- 
tablishments most libe- 
rally treated with. 


Vokins's Horse ! [Moral. Would it iwt be better if the Park Keeper attended to his duties a little t 

August 8, 1863. 






. Windsor Castle, Aug. 1. 

" The Queen has commanded me to express the pain with 
which Her Majesty reads the account of daily accidents arising from 
the wearing of the indelicate, expensive, dangerous, and hideous article 
called Crinoline. 

Her Majesty cannot refrain from making known to yon her 
extreme displeasure that educated women should by example encourage 
the wearing a dress which can be pleasing only to demoralised taste. 

" For the miserable idiots who abjectly copy the habits of those con- 
ventionally termed their betters, it is impossible to entertain anything 
but pity. 

" But to the Ladies of England this appeal to abandon the present 
degrading, dangerous, and disgusting fashion, is made iu the belief that 
they will show themselves the rational and decorous persons whom they 
are supposed to be. 

" I have the honour to be, 
" Ladies, 
" Your most obedient humble servant, 

" C. B. Phipps." 


The attention of Mr. Pope Hennessy, and other gentlemen who 
sympathise wi'.h insurgent Poles, but not with oppressed Romans, is 
invited to the following extract from Reuter's Express, dated Breslau, 
July 25 :— 

" A decree of the Revolutionary Tribunal at Warsaw was published on the 21st 

instant, sentencing to death Colonel Leuchte, the notorious inquisitor of the 

J citadel in the reign of the Emperor Nicholas, who had recently resumed his func- 

| tiuns on the inquisitorial committee. On the evening of the publication of this 

decree, Colonel Leuchte was stabbed by an unknown hand." 

| Apologists of the Papal Government and enemies of the Italian 
Kingdom have been vehemently protesting that the Polish insurrection 
is quite a distinct thing from that more general Continental rising 
against constituted authority, which they call the Revolution. There 
exists, however, the same apparent resemblance between those two 
movements as that which is discernible between two peas, a big and a 
little one. Revolutions are not made with rose-water indeed, but 
neither are they made without effusion of a fluid in colour nearly 
similar to infusion of roses. If Revolution has shed the blood of 
Count Rossi and others at Rome, has it not also assassinated Colonel 
Leuchte, and a few more victims at Warsaw ? Doubtless, Colonel 
Leuchte ought to have been hanged, if there had been a law to hang 
him, and power to enforce it. How far the shortcoming of legal hemp 
may be justifiably supplied by the irregular knife, who shall say? but 
surely if we are to call a spade a spade, we must also call a dagger a 
dagger. But perhaps we shall be told that an excommunicated dagger 
is one weapon, and that a poniard consecrated by a benediction is 
another. Nevertheless, we conceive they come to the same thing in 
the end ; that is, when their points respectively penetrate the heart of 
an adversary. In short, assassination, right or wrong, is assassination, 
whether practised by Roman patriots or patriotic Roman Catholic 
Poles, and Revolution in Poland is identical with Revolution else- 
where, with the Revolution, in fact; which Revolution is not merely 
an anti-christiau confederacy arrayed against the Powers that be; 
but, also, whatever the papalini British or foreign may say, considerably 

In the meantime it is to be hoped that the fate of Colonel Leuchte 
will be a warning to General Mouravieff. 


A Picture was the other day presented to the Commissioners of the 
Bankruptcy Court. The principal figure in the foreground is an old 
soldier, a very old soldier; which in the distance, where all is blue, can be 
faintly descried the outline of Branksea Island. The Work is intended 
as a companion to the Blessings of Peace, and is entitled the Miseries of 


By a Party who has evidently not recovered the use of his Poetic Poor 

Don't you wish you 'd been at the Mansion House on Wednesday, when 

the Lord Mayor, Mr. Rose, feasted the City Companies, 
And the old Wardens and old Masters came eager for the dinner and 

never heeding the gout that might get into their poor old lumpy 

knees ? 
But it was not merely Masters and Wardens, no, the Lord Mayor 

didn't invite them on'y, 
But Lord Harris of Trinidad in the West Indies, Colonel Sykt.s 

of the East ditto, Sir Charles Rich of Shirley House, and the 

excellent Sir Cusack Roney. 
Likewise members of the Committee of Her Majesty's Commissioners 

of Lieutenancy ; at their head Mr. Obbard, 
A gentleman of most distinguished manners, though there 's no other 

rhyme to his name but slobbered. 
And didn't they all enjoy themselves, eatiug Mr. Rose's turtle, venison, 

sweetbreads, sweetmeats, pines, and peaches, 
And when their precious healths were drunk returning thanks in no 

end of facetious speeches. 
How they all tried to make jokes on the name of their Conservative, 

Liberal, and hospitable host, 
And a worse and worse pun succeeded its predecessor as the last man 

got up to answer the toast. 
Mr. Love, for the Great Late Eastern Railway said that Love's place 

was among the Roses ; 
Mr. Underwood, for the fishmongers, said' that fishes had Roes ; 

whereat Mr. Rowe and his elegant family turned up their noses. 
Mr. Pearce, for the Haberdashers, said that those dashers always sold 

pins in Rows. 
Mr. Dollond, for the Spectacle-makers, said there could be no greater 

Spectacles than Lord Mayor's Shows. 
Mr. Buggin, for the Bellows-makers, said that Bellowses like Roses, 

were made to blow : 
Mr. Baily, for the Ironmongers, put in his Ore, but how he Rows 1 

don't know. 
Mr. Fowler, for the Wax-chandlers, complimented the Mayor's 

natural kindness, but said artificial Roses were made of wax. 
Mr. Whittaker, or witty cur, for the Lorimers, said he had heard 

that mares often had Saddles on their backs. 
Mr. Gibbons, for the Salters, made some incomprehensible references 

to the salt sea and the Member for Southampton. 
Mr. Gray, for the Goldsmiths, said the Mayor was a man of as 

sterling metal as he or St. Dunstan either had ever stamped on. 
Mr, Grace, for the Grocers, said Tea-Roses were a very delightful 

species of floricultural production. 
Mr. Walker, for the Fruiterers, drank Master Rose and his pere, 

which showed that Mr. Walker has had French instruction. 
Mr. Jones, for the Coopers, said that he really Rose quite cock-a- 

But nobody told him that the front of his shirt had got a splash of the 

very best turtle soup. 
And if they had it, wouldn't have been true : Mr. Jones will consider 

himself sold, 
And I don't think any more witticisms were uttered that are worth 

being told, 
And then came the hour at which the aristocratic guests began to 

And away went Alderman Gibbons, Sir Charles Bright, and 

Mr- J. T. Norris, 
And if you 'd been there I make no doubt you 'd have drank a great 

deal of the excellent wine of Mr. Rose's, 
But you couldn't have made such excellent verses as these afterwards, 

I swear they 're almost as good as my poor friend the Poet 


Whirlpools in Mexico. 

Intelligence from Vera Cruz, published by the New York papers, 
contains the two parallel announcements subjoined : — 

" General Forey has announced that all who do not lay down their arms will be 

"President Juarez has announced that all who join General Foret will be 
declared traitors. " 

Having duly considered the foregoing statements, We hereby aul bo- 
rise the Mexicans, wlto must experience some difficulty in saving them- 
selves between Genkral Fouey and President Juarez, to call 
Juarez Scyila, and Forey Charybdis. 

Latest News (hy Electric Telegrap h). —Russian Intelligence. Very 
little just now. 


[August 8, 1863. 


ell, Saturday, why 
not Saturday, July 
25th, if there was 
business to be at- 
tended to ? Both 
Houses did their 
duty by holding a 
morning sitting, 
which was over in 
time to enable 
honourable Lords 
und noble Members 
lo go down to the 
Dramatic College 
fete, and admire 
i.he actresses. The 
Lords agreed to all 
sorts of amendments 
proposed by the 
Commons, and the 
Commons were 
emally amiable, 
though a little more 
talkative. The Great 
Bill of the Session, 
that upon which 
there have been 
more debates and 
divisions than on 
any other, need Mr. 
Punch name the 
Irish Fish Bill, was 
re-edited by the 
Commons, and four 
times did they divide 
thereupon. Parlia- 
ment must really be 
known in future as 
the Angler's Re- 
treat. Mr. Butt 
spoke on the sub- 
ject, thereby affording occasion for a sporting jocularity about giving the 
salmon the butt, Mb. Bagwell was wise upon bag-nets, and even Sir 
Robert Peel came out as a salmon-peel. The Bill is law, so the 
parlies concerned, that is to say the fish, had better order copies and 
see what it is all about, for St. Punch has no intention of turning St. 
Anthony, and preaching to a scaly congregation. We presume that 
the measure is understood where The Trout and the Salmon They play 
at backgammon, In the pleasant waters of Castle Hjde. Mr. M'Mahon 
chivalrously stood up for the Common-law rights of the Bod-fishers, 
who it seems are now to be ruled with a rod of iron, and Lord Febmoy 
humanely endeavoured to mitigate the tremendous severity with which 
poachers are to be punished, but the Commons were in a Preservative 
mood, and voted all the harshness. Heavy fines are to be inflicted, and 
boats are to be seized. The Salmon is the king of Fish, and he is going 
in hard (or Prerogative, but King Salmon and King Prussia will come 
to grief in the end. This was the Antepenultimate day of the Session. 

Monday. The Penultimate day of the Session. The last set debate. 
In the Lords the Great Eltchi signified his opinion that the riotous 
conduct of the Greeks was a reason for not handing over to them the 
Ionian Isles. Earl Russell thought he had a neat answer. He said 
that when our George the First ascended the throne there were dis- 
turbances here. His Lordship was so pleased with this brilliant historical 
illustration, that he declined to re-open the Ionian question. Lord 
Derby was unconvinced, and condemned a gratuitous cession of the 
protectorate, and called it an unfortunate and an imprudent step. 

The evening papers of the following day, that of the prorogation, 
announced that the coronet of Lord Mormanby had been, something 
suddenly, transmitted. We have frequently censured an unwise 
politician, and would add a word of regret for au amiable gentleman. 

The Commons had miscellaneous talk. Mr. Stansfeld explained 
some improvements which are to be made at the Greenwich nautical 
school, but they can be accepted only as a small instalment of the 
reforms needed at the Hospital. Queen "Victoria will retain the sole 
power of making Ionian and English Knights of the order of St. 
Michael and St. George, and this is a great comfort. Mr. Mov- 
sell " advisedly " charged Mr. Newdegate and his Exeter Hall 
friends with having " hounded " the late Mr. Turnbull to his grave, 
and Sir G. Bowyer confirmed the statement that Mr. Turnbull had 
ciied brokenhearted through unjust imputations on his honour. The 
death is to be deplored and the persecution to be condemned, which 
said, we may add that the phenomenon of a sensible man's losing, we 

will not^say his life, but a night's rest, by reason of an Exeter Hall 
bray," as Lord Macaulay said, is so singular as to be worthy 
record. A quadruped's bray might keep one awake. Mr. Cuwper 
will not open a road through the Park from Bayswater to Kensington, 
because foot-passengers might choose to stay in the Park all night. 
Oue likes to hear a good reason for things. A law was then hurried 
through Parliament for doing somethiug awful to people who say lhey 
have got Exhibition Medals when they haven't. Imagine anybody 
boasting of such a thiug ! Oue would prefer being, like Castlereagh, 
at Coogress, " decorated by the absence of decorations." Sir G. 
Bowyer was dilating upon the injustice of Benchers, when a Couut 
Out showed that only twenty-six Members were enjoying the recital of 
legal wickedness. 

Tuesday. This was the Ultimate day of the Session. In the Commons 
Mr. Ewart mentioned that he should, next year, bring in a Permissive 
Bill in favour of the Metric System. That will not do. Give the 
British Blockhead three year3, seven, or ten, if you like, to learn what 
the British Schoolboy would learn in three months, but make the 
law Obligatory at a definite date. Nobody learns lessons if he can 
help it. 

Pontefract wants a new Member. The accomplished, independent, 
kindly Mr. Monckton Milnes goes up to the Lords as Barox 
Houghton, and Mr. Punch expresses his entire satisfaction with the 
arrangement, and inaugurates the coronet of Lord Houghton by 
declaring him an hought-on-hout good nobleman. The beating of our 
own Palms is all the sound we heard in acknowledgment of thia- 
remarkable epigram. 

Mr. Cuwper said that he intended to remove the Rails from all the 
London Statues, thinking that railing enough was supplied by public 

An Irish Convict, who pleaded guilty to a charge of attempting 
murder, is stated to have since declared that he was innocent, but that t he 
governor of the gaol kept him without food until he agreed to confess, 
when a good dinner was given him, and future provision was promised 
him. Mr. O'Hagan did not answer the statement in a way exact I y 
calculated to induce a conviction that he believed the story, and Mr. 
Punch is free to confess that he himself is not oue of those persons, Sir, 
who are inclined to repose implicit faith in an unverified allegation of 
an improbable character. 

If Her Majesty had occasion to allude to the Black Rod, She 

would probably not do so in the celebrated line from the Hunchback:— 

" I call him Clifford, and he calls me Madam." 

But without waiting to discuss this question, we may remark, that the 
Queen, through Lord Westbury, here called Sitt Augustus, and 
bade him summon the Commons to the bar of the Lords. They went, 
the gallant veteran Palmkrston leading the way. 

" STfje ©utm QSSills Kt " having been said over a heap of new laws, 
(in fact the Royal Commissioners were received with a salute of 101 
Bills) the Lord Chancellor Westbury delivered himself to the 
following effect -.— 

Ire licet. 

I " trust" that Russia will carry out the stipulations of the Treaty 
of Vienna as to Poland. [But not a word about making her do it> 
Lord Ellenborough.] 

Federals and Confederates are still unfortunately at war, to the 
detriment of neutrals, but I have seen no reason to depart from neu- 
trality. [No, Mr. Bright ; no, Mr. Roebuck ; no, Mr. Elected of 
the Millions.] 

I am taking steps to unite the Ionian Islands to Greece, whose nice 
new King will shortly take steps thitherward. I am in communication 
with the parties to the treaty of 1815, and shall ask the Ionians what 
they have to say. [Nothing about your views, your Majesty Abdul 

I have demanded reparation from Japan, and I hope not to be obliged 
to use force. _ [Daimios at a distance will please to accept this inti- 

Brazil is angry with me because I did not comply with demands 
which I did not deem it possible to accede to. [What do you mean by 
possible, Lord Joun ? Is not this writing like a possum, who is decidedly 
up a Brazilian gum-tree?] But I should be glad to see relations 
re-established. [John must write to Moreira and say so.] 

Thanks to the Commons for supplies, for Fortifications money [ha ! 
Pam, ha ! Cobden] and for the provision for young Mr. and Mrs. 
Wales. [Long may they enjoy it, and in Marlborough House.] 

Things are rather better in the manufacturing districts. I recognise 
private generosity, and have gladly assented to the relief measures. 
[And, happily, a glorious harvest is coming.] 

Sir Cannibal Tattoo is bumptious, but a mixture of conciliation 

August 8, 1863.] 



and cuffing will, it is hoped, smooth him down. [Mr. Punch insists on 
these New Zealanders being treated properly. Some of them are 
almost as handsome as himself.] 

A Bill has been passed for improving small benefices. [We looked 
to see whether Lord Westbury would smile as he read this, but his 
face preserved its calm. Perhaps the Member who talked about 
Simony, in a Simple-Simony way, was not in the House.] 

The Statutes have been revised. [Yes, your Majesty, and the learned 
and industrious gentlemen who have done it have been very badly paid 
for invaluable work.] 

The Volunteers have been placed upon a well-defined footing. [Who 
wrote this slip-slop ? He had better send his English to drill.] 

An Act for carrying into effect the American anti-slave trade treaty has 
passed, and I hope that the honourable co-operation of the Government 
of the "United" States [this means the North] will materially assist 

me in putting an end to the Perpetration of that Most Disgraceful 
Crime. [Words worthy the Queen of Freemen, your Majesty.] 

Our General Prosperity is unimpaired, our financial resources have 
been fully maintained, and our general commerce with the world at 
large has not been materially impaired. [The information is more j 
gratifying than the tautology.] 

India, recovering from disasters, enters upon a course which holds 
out good promise for growing prosperity. [A course holds out a I 
promise. On the end of a fork, or how? Wood, Wood, Charley Wood!] 

On returning to your several Counties you will have important parts 
to perform. [We see that amateur theatricals are announced as in 
preparation at several aristocratic houses.] 

The keeper of the Queen's conscience added the usual devotional 
valediction, and mentioned the 14th of October as the day on which 
his audience would again hear that they were not wanted. 


part of 





ne thousand questions are 
being daily put to us at this 
season of the year, as to 
" when to go, how to go it, 
where to go to, and what to 
wear where you go; and we, 
drawing largely upon our 
own travelling experience, 
are now about satisfactorily 
to answer. The third point 
is the one to which we must 
first give our serious atten- 
tion, and therefore let it, be 
our cheerful task, before 
entering into the details of 
expense and so forth, to sug- 
gest a few pleasant routes 
for the consideration of the 
still duhitating tourist. 
Home circuits will not of 
course come under our pre- 
sent notice. 

Let us suppose then that 
you want to be away for 
ever such a long time: very 
good; then we will com- 
mence by reducing that 
period to three weeks at tbe 
This phrase " at the outside," will fairly exhaust the first 

our subject; while " at the inside" will relate merely to the 

and we shall soon exhaust that. 

then. Ladies and Gentlemen, for our 



Let us begin at the beginning; alphabetical order of places by all 
means. Let us say you want to go to Antwerp ? By the way you 
mustn't say you don't, or else we 're done, and won't play any more. 

Very good ; then you do want to go to Antwerp. Now here is a nice 
little three weeks jaunt for you : 

Berlin (where the wool is.) 

Dresden (calling at China.) 

Got Unpen and back again, via Leipsic, Hong Kong (if time), 
Madeira, Paris and the Margin of Fair Zurich's Waters Tullaliety, 
and so home. 
This will suffice for the first journev. You can start from anywhere 
you like, say Brunswick Square by Moonlight. 
While we feel inclined, permit us to make three observations :— 
First, The Tourist's Best Pocket Companion is— MONEY. 
Secondly. Bank clerks and others (specially "others "), should not 
leave England without their employer's permission, lest they be caught 

Thirdly, Don't be extravagant ; but if you 're going very far, it doesn't 
do to be " a little near." 

If in the course of these directions any abbreviations are used, let it 
be understood, once for all, that r means rail, and that s doesn't; 
that o means nothing, J3 means something, and so on. 

First, catch your Passport. This must be signed by all the Crowned 
Heads of Europe. On being asked your name, reply " N. or M. as the 
case may be." 

Having procured this necessary document, packing up before packing 
off is the order of the day. So now we must consider — 

What to take ? The simple answer to this regular puzzle is, " Take 
time;" don't flurry yourself or "take on" if you find matters going 
unsatisfactorily, and take off your coat and waistcoat if filling a port- 
manteau be warm work; and finally end by taking yourself off 
altogether. If you take this idea, you'll commence excellently well. 

Another important question is, " What quantity of Luggage shall I 
require? " We are prepared for this or any other emergency :— 

Necessary Luggage. One portmanteau, full; another empty, in case 
you lose the first. A hat -box, with hat inside. A bag containing 
" Things." A large sandwich-box to hold muffins, strawberries, 
and slices of roast beef, which you can't get abroad. A packet of 
collars, silk neckties, and an Alpine stock, much worn among the 
mountaineers. Don't bother yourself about taking soap; if you were 
to spend much money in this article you'd soon be cleaned out. Care- 
fully provide yourself with blankets, table napkins, sheets, candlesticks, 
snuffers, and panes of glass, in case any of the windows in your bed- 
room at the hotel are broken. A knife, fork, and spoon are indis- 
pensable. A barrel organ will amuse you on the road, but we scarcely 
recommend your carrying it, unless there's a donkey to take it about, 
which, by the way, there probably would be. 

Glasses, fyc. You can always obtain plenty of glasses on the journey 
at the various refreshment rooms ; some people can, however, see better 
without them. Carry a telescope about the size of Lord Ross's ; or 
hire it for your tour. If you can get on fast with a walking-stick, 
take two, and then you'll get on faster. Umbrellas, belonging; chiefly 
to other people, you will be able to pick up on the road. Perhaps, 
however, it is better to carry one, as wtien hungry you will always have 
a spread ready. 

So far, so good. The next point is money. Procure this from a 
banker before four o'clock. The best time, however, is when he 's not 
looking. If ibis is impracticable, ask him to sing a Round, and then 
catch some of his circular notes. 

So much for the present ; there remains quite as much for the future. 
We ourselves have not travelled for nothing; and, by the way, on 
referring to that admirable publication, " Our Banker's Book," we 
devoutly wish that we had. 

The Value of 'Subscription. 

A Young Man who had served several months behind the counter of 
Messrs. Sllkins & Craper, unexpectedly succeeding to property, 
resigned his situation at the establishment of those gentlemen, ami 
went to Oxford, where he graduated. On taking his degree, being 
required to testify his orthodoxy by the customary subscription, he 
promptly complied, and having signed the Thirty -nine Articles with a 
flourish, asked, in the most obliging manner, " And what is the next 
Article ? " 


Every one knows that flowers possess a language of their own, and 
a literature, too, in their leaves. One species can also enjoy a joke and 
laugh heartily at it. London, a gardener informs us, is very fruitful in 
Laughing Stocks. 

A Veteran.— Colonel Waugh, at his late examination in the 
Bankruptcy Court, insisted much on the position that he was an "old 
soldier." Nobody doubted it. 



[August 8, 1863. 


Now then, make baste, make haste, and pay a visit to Ludgate Hi.., 
and behold, for nearly the last time you will have the opportunity, the 
vast and celebrated Cathedral of St. Paul, erected by that famous 
architect SrR Christopher Ween, in the reigns of their Majesties the 
last of the Stuarts. Be in time, be in time. In a very short time this 
remarkable edifice will become invisible, owing to the great improve- 
ments which the march of intellect and the progress of commerce, 
providentially force upon this Great Metropolis. Therefore, be in time 
before the view is shut out for ever and ever by the highly ornamented 
tank in preparation by the Bailway Company. The architecture will 
well repay inspection, the facade, henceforth to be seen no more, is 
regarded as one of the finest things in the world, and the majestic 
appearance of the west front defies at once competition and description. 
There is no charge, so long as you keep out of the building, and in 
short this is an opportunity which can never occur again in the history 
of London. Be in time, be in time. 


The following letter from " Miss Drake " is a rich specimen of the 
fine-ladyism of the kitchen, and is printed verbatim et literatim .— 

" Sib, 20 July, 1863. 

' " Miss Drake as ford you the a mount of her Bill and is very 
sory that she is not able to duth it before but she as been hill evre sent 
she as been up in London as not been able to go to her sutuhane that 
she was go in to but I ham gut much better now I ham very sory that 
I have give you so much Trubble it was not my intensh to rong you ol a 
pen harfter be so kind to me and I tborght it was no use right letter 
with out send you the money 1 have send you a postoff order to day if 
you will be so kind to reseat my bill and send it to me 

" from your Humbler survant 

" Kate Drake. 

" Sir will you be kind enoft to reseat my bill the same day as I 
ham order to go down by the seeside and I ham gone on Therday sen 
it to me." _^ 

Dark, the Cricketing Purveyor, complains that in his trade he suffers 
from imitators. There are, he says, during the summer months, so 
many bats after Dark, with whom he has no connection. 

Time Most Unprofitably Spent. — Shopping. 


The Boyal Geographical Society have at length given a satisfactory 
reason for the present position of the Equator. They say they must 
draw the line somewhere. 

News of our two Theatrical Travellers.—" It is," says our Nautical 
Correspondent, "a touching sight, to see Mr. Charles Kean cor- 
rectly attired as Amphion, sitting across the main-top-gallant-mast, 
lulling the dolphins to sleep with recitations from Hamlet and other 
plays. It is needless to add, that the passengers fall asleep almost as 
soon as it commences. The affability of the truly great actor is 
remarkable : he speaks to every one on board, including the Man at the 
Wheel, who, in his turn, does not reply. 

Great alterations are to be made in our Railway Carriages. There 
is to be a bell attached to each seat, and if you want anything, you can 
ring it. If the bell is found to answer, as well as give, the summons, 
nothing more will be needed for the present. 

Several works will shortly be issued from the Great Hydraulic Press ; 
we fear that they must be rather wishy-washy, and not worth poring over. 

The Master and Fellows of Trinity College, Cambridge, have at 
length decided the greally vexed question, as to whether Homer did or 
did not wear wooden legs. They now confidently assert, that he did 
not, as, though it may he painful to say it, they have come across the 
Poet's Feet in the Iliad ; and, in the same work, a subject calling for 
peculiar remark, has been the constant use of his little to. 

Mr. Charles Kean, now sailing on the seas in the Champion thereof, 
on his way to happy Melbourne, has given a touching proof of his 
devotion to what he called, in his playbills, " the Standard religion of 
the country." According to the theatrical papers, he has " undertaken 
to read the Church Service during the voyage, but has stipulated that 
he shall not be called upon to baptise, marry, or bury." We see no 
harm in an actor's reading prayers, but one would like to know how 
the responses are managed. Clearly Mr. Kean cannot be cUrk as well 
as parson ; for we have often, and with delight, heard him remark, 
" I could dot say Abed." 

and proceed, with exquisite emphasis, 

" But wherefore could I dot prodounce Abed? 
I had boat need of blessing, and Abed 
Stuck in my throat" 

We shall be curious to hear further particulars touching the Rev. Mr. 
Kean, who has thus taken Theatrical Orders. 


A Turnstile stood in Fanny's way ; 

She tried to pass it through : 
A lot of boys, hard by at play, 

Had Fanny in their view. 
Her skirts she sought in vain to press 

Those narrow bounds between ; 
When lo ! the hoops escaped her dress 

Of steel-ribbed Crinoline ! 

The little wretches raised a shout, 

A loud and joyous noise ; 
They leapt aloft, and danced about, 

And laughed— those horrid boys ! 
Police, that should have been ashamed, 

Stood smiling on the scene, 
While those rude boys "Ho ho ! " exclaimed 

" Out pops the Crinoline ! " 

Paradox in the Jury-Box. 

In the great Roupell case the jury agreed that the Will was forged, 
but differed as to whether the Deed was genuine. Those of them who 
credit the genuineness of the latter document are of course prepared to 
deny that the Will is as good as the Deed. 

Antiquarian. —The Monks of old were famous for baking. Among 
the most celebrated of their productions is the Roll of Battle Abbey, h 

"Volunteer Intelligence.— The Metropolitan Pawnbrokers are 
about to organise a corps. They are to be armed with Pop-guns. 

Convivial Motto for the Company of Spectacle-makbrs.— 
I " Glasses Round." 

In the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mnllett Eians. of No. 11 Booverie Street,- in ^e JPrecinrfo 
net/ of Wbitefrtan, City of London and Publiebed by them at No. S5, Fleet Street, m the Fanahof St. Bride, 

August 15, 1863.] 





crowded streets, 
maddened, by or- 
gan grinders, ob- 
structed by pla- 
card-bearers and 
tired of crammed 
omnibuses lined 
with puffs of cheap 
tea and shirts, 
catch-penny inven- 
tions, and penny 
papers, I seceded 
from London to 
spend the dog-days 
without the fear of 

" To rejoice in a 
few hours of special 
quietude, I betook 
myself one day to 
the ancient City 
of Winchester, in 
whose venerable 
Cathedral, at the 
back of the altar- 
screen, inscribed 
by the veracious 
monks of old, you 
will find these 
lines :— 

" Corpora sanctorum sunt hie in pace sepulta, 
Ex meritis quorum fulgent miracula multa." 

" Sir, I wish the relics of the saints at Winchester would cure rheu- 
matism, and replace some of those teeth the loss of which is so injurious 
to digestion and articulation. However, this I will .'■ay, that there is, 
around the place where those remains are said to be buried in peace, a 
sphere, or atmosphere of repose which is very soothing to the nervous 
system. It extends around the Cathedral to some distance, and espe- 
cially along Kingsgate Street ; a thoroughfare in which the passengers 
may be described as mostly invisible. You meet hardly anybody, but 
seem to feel that those whom you cannot see are passing you. So to 
speak, few but ghosts walk in Kingsgate Street. The houses look as 
if their present occupants had departed this life. "Under these circum- 
stances, anybody but a gross materialist is naturally or superuaturally, 
and humbug apart, disposed to inquire ' Are there any spirits present ? ' 
But the other day, when I found mjself under their influence, the added 
condition of a high material temperature compelled me rather to ask 
' Is there any beer?' A prompt answer to this invocation occasioned 
an immediate adjournment to the Crown, a hostelry which is one of 
those few in which the landlord now-a-days keeps good old ale. Experto 
crede ; and, if ever you pass through Kingsgate Street, Winchester, 
aud the echoes of your heels raise spirits that depress your own, to 
refresh your soul try Mr. Watts's tap. But, Sir, I went into his 
coffee-room, and there I not only enjoyed his ale, but also an advertise- 
ment, (so different from the London puffs which I detest,) the idea 
whereof may have been, if not inspired by the genius loci, carefully 
adapted to it. This was an illustrated prospectus of the ' Accidental 
Death Insurance Company.' It included an Almanack, surrounded by 
a series of oval borders corresponding to the twelve months of the year, 
and each containing an illustration of a fatal accident suitable to the 
month. For January was represented a skater slipping through the 
ice. For February, a shipwreck. For March, a cannon, during artillery- 
practice, bursting and killing a volunteer. For April, a collision be- 
tween two steamers at sea. For May, a railway collision. For June, 
a boat containing a lady, and attendant gents, upset. For July a gig 
with a gent in it capsized by lightning. For August, a man gored by a 
bull. For September, a man thrown from his horse, and pitching on 
his head. For October, a Volunteer withdrawn from a .Review, and 
swooning under surgical assistance against a tree; supposed to have 
been shot with a ramrod. For November, a woman run over in a fog. 
For December, a house on fire ; female with child appearing at a window 
in the flames ; fireman below, too late. 

" Too late, too late, ye cannot enter now," 

as I heard a'young lady sing, to my edification, the other evening, in a 
party, at a most unseasonable hour. 

"Now, Sir, this illustrated prospectus of the Accidental Death Insur- 
ance Company amused me more than any caricatures I have seen for 
some time, except yours. The notion of enticing a man to insure his 
life by pictorial embellishments of the various casualties by which he 
may be killed, is genuine commercial humour. Think how highly 

attractive it is— much more so than ' Sydenham 17s. &d.,' and all that 
style of thing. It is just the sort of fun I like. And it has a moral 
purpose. Every Paterfamilias should insure his life from loss by 
accident in these railway times. I should, if I had any relations that I 
care about. As it is I shall buy an annuity, instead of insuring my life 
at all; aud I am, " Smeljungus." 

" The Owl in the Ivy, August, 18G3." . 


Mb. Monsell accused Ma. Newdegate of having hounded the late 
Mr. Turnbull to death by insisting that, as a violent religious par- 
tisan, he was not to be trusted as Calenclarer in the State Paper Office. 
Sir George Bowyer backed Ma. Monsell's accusation by asserting 
that Mr. Turnbull had died of a broken heart, as in fact he did, if 
rupture of the heart is the same thing with bronchitis, aud if heretics 
can excite inflammation in the breast of a zealous Catholic by declaring 
their want of confidence in him under circumstances in which the 
interests of his Church are concerned. Can Sir Geoiige Bowyer 
demonstrate that this is so ? In that case he has made a discovery in 
nosology for which the College of Physicians ought to send him an 
honorary diploma. 

Mr. Newdegate, however, in a letter to Mr. Monsell, repels the 
imputation of having, like an East wind or a fog, affected poor Mr. 
Turnbull with fatal pulmonary disease. Incidentally in this document, 
he makes, with reference to a certain Oralorian bnrying-ground at 
Sydenham, a statement which, if accurate, raises an interesting question. 
He says, referring to a speech in the House of Commons :— 

" The facts I stated referred to the late Mr. William Hutchinson, who was 
buried on the lijth of this month at Sydenham, except the misdescription of the 
deceased upon his tombstone, which applied to the late Mr. Frederick Fortescue 
Wells, who is described on his tombstone as Albanus Wells." 

If, then, Mr. Newdegate, has been rightly informed, a man who 
was named Frederick Foetescue is on his tombstoue called Albanus. 
How was his name registered? As Albanus too? If so, we should 
like to know what the law says about such a registration, and if it says 
nothing, what, security it has provided against false entries ou the 

Of course, if James Bugg may call himself Nobfolk How aud, a 
gentleman whose godfathers and godmothers gave him the names of 
Frederick Fortkscue is, or should be, at liberty to renounce them 
for Albanus, or Vitus, or any other which his taste may prefer to 
them. But then the change should be duly advertised and recorded. 
To preclude mistake a reminiscence of the old names might be preserved 
hy an alias, A misnomer on a tombstone may create a Haw in a pedi- 
gree. Heirs may be wronged by an epitaph whose " Hie Jacet " may 
be ambiguously tianslated "Here lies." 

But perhaps we shall be reminded that the defunct who rest in the 
cemetery of the Oratorians at Sydenham cannot leave any posterity, and 
that if they could, unless in the case of a very tightly entailed estate, 
good care has been taken that no question touching the inheritance of 
their property shall ever arise to trouble any of their descendants. 


The Royal National Lifeboat Institution met on Thursday last week 
at its house in John Street, Adelphi, Mr. Thomas Chapman, F.R S., 
Vice-President, in the Chair. Etymology suggests that the Adelphi is 
a fitting site for the offices of an Institution which is based on the 
principle of human brotherhood. It has been the means of saving in 
the course of the past year no less than 339 lives from the maw of 
the sea. 

Out of the number above stated, the figures 123— a remarkable suc- 
cession—represent the persons saved by the Society off their own bats, 
that is to say, with their own boats, of which they count 125 ; in pro- 
portion to the rescued, nearly a boat a man. To keep up these boats, 
however, they require subscriptions to be kept up by subscribers, of 
whom it may be said, " the more the merrier." What fun, then, it will 
be for all our opulent readers to contribute to the funds of the Lifeboat 
Institution, which surely deserves the support of all who are able to 
keep their own heads above water. 


Dresifor Ladies Visiting the Moors.— Powder and shot silk. Married 
ladies will of course get their husbands to see to the charge. Percussion 
Caps are only suitable for matrons. As a harmless initiation into the 
use of fire-arms, the prettiest girls should practise shooting glances 
through double-barrelled 



[August 15, 1863. 


Tlic Company does not provide Superfluous Accommodation. 


It is singular bow words change their signification. 
Oratory in ancient times implied a remarkable display of 
intellectual power. To convince and persuade, not, children 
but men, was its proper function. Now it labours ana 
often with success to convince a sickly girl that it is for 
her spiritual welfare to part with all her property for a 
Veil, and achieves a signal triumph when it has per- 
suaded a stupid boy to run away from, and dishonour, his 

Oratory, by a recent perversion, is a fine word suggestive 
of a low thing— kidnapping. Sweet names, however, cannot 
make that which is vile respectable, any more than an 
unsound ship can be rendered sea- worthy by a fresh coat 
of paint. Suppose an area-sneak ! were to repudiate bis 
appellation of Thief and style himself a Kleptomaniac? 
Would it be competent for him when so ennobled to carry 
things with a high hand— to attach spoons and other uncon- 
sidered trifles at his own discretion ? We opine not. Why 
then should the recognised professor of kidnapping be 
allowed to walk at large with a smirk beneath his Roman 
nose and a leer on either side of it? In common justice 
those who pick and choose their juvenile victims should be 
required for two or three months to pick a given quantity 
of oakum, and people who will not pursue a straight-forward 
course should be compelled to take reformatory steps in. 
the county House of Correction. 

A Case of Heal Charity. 

In the Daily Telegraph we learn from its Paris Corre- 
spondent that — 

" The first detachment of Mexican prisoners has arrived at Evreux 
from Brest On their entrance into the city the Mexican visitors 
seemed rather doubtful as to what would be their reception, but 
they were soon convinced of the hospitahty and good feeling of the 
French. They were taken to the Golden Stag, where Punch was 
offered to them, ' at which,' to use the words of le Courritr <U, they showed themselves deeply touched." 

Deeply touched! Yes, we should think so. We know 
when we have been imprisoned in a dull place like Evreux, 
nothing has cheered us .half so much as getting hold of 


Mr. Punch announces that a number of gentlemen who have dis- 
covered that there are a great many disagreeable things in this not 
altogether disagreeable world, have formed themselves into an asso- 
ciation which will probably take the above title. The Sybarite Club 
is in course of formation, but as its details require a good deal of 
attention, and as it is against the nature of the members to bore them- 
selves more than they cau help, it will probably not open until about 
Christmas, when it will be constituted in time to save them from the 
active boredom of that so-called festive period. 

The Principle of the Club is the Avoidance of Anything that is 


lis Members must all be persons in easy circumstances, not that the 
Club sets any inordinate value on money (which is useful only as the 
means of preventing one's being bothered) but because if poor men 
come in, they may at some time or other ask for assistance, which it 
would be a bore to grant or deny. 

Every luxury which civilisation has made a necessary will be sup- 
plied to the Members, but they will not have the trouble of directing or 
governing in any way. A highly paid staff of officials will be held 
responsible for all arrangements uuder a Manager who likes trouble. 
He will be the Medium between the Members aud their servants, and 
he will be invested with absolute power. To avoid the possibility of 
discomfort, the first complaint, just or unjust, will involve the instant 
dismissal of the alleged culprit. 

The existing Newspapers will not be taken in. They contain much 
that one wants to read, but it is so mixed with other matters as to 
make a journal a bore. A Sybarite Newspaper, which will probably be 
called The Halcyon, will therefore be edited for the Club. It will 
contain everything that is interesting, or sensationnl, inasmuch as one's 
own happiness is promoted by contrast with the discomforts of others. 
But all sentimentality, all appeals to one's patriotism, charity, morality, 
indignation, aud the like will be excluded, and the aim of the editor will 
be to extract amusement from any subject upon which he may comment. 
No advert isements will be permitted to appear in the journal, except such 
as may offer additions to the comfort or enjoyment of the Members. 

No person with a Purpose, or a Mission, or a Conviction of any 
kind (if he permits it to be known) will be eligible. The Club has uo 
vulgar objection to the clergy, but as they are, or ought to be, some- 
what a restraint upon conversation, it has been thought best to exclude 
them. The Army and Navy may come in, but not Volunteers, until 
they have learned to abstain from any demonstrative interest in their 
work. No Author, Actor, Member of Parliament, Betting Man, or 
other person who must talk shop, will be admitted under any circum- 
stances. As a rule the Having Done Anything that People Talk About 
will be a ground of exclusion, as persons who have performed that feat 
are usually a nuisance. 

Letters will not be received at the Club. Most letters are bores. 
But the Secretary will take directions, from any Member who may 
wish a departure from the rule in his own case, as sometimes it is a 
bore not to get a particular letter, and a greater bore, if it goes to one's 
private residence. 

The Site of the Club has received much consideration, and the 
Manager is in treaty for a noble house standing in its own grounds, in 
the centre of London. It is charmingly isolated, and the approaches 
are, fortunately, through streets of a high class, so that the sight of 
poverty, squalor, dirty industry, or anything else that is unpleasant, will 
be avoided. Porters, who have been Detectives, will effectually prevent 
visits from unwelcome persons of any kind. To complete the comfort 
of the Members, the Secretary, if furnished with a list of Poor Relations, 
or other people whose communications are a bore, will arrange for the 
private payment of any stipends to such persons, or will communicate 
with the police upon the subject. 

It is thought that by a comprehensive and well-considered effort to 
avoid seeing, hearing, reading, or doing anything that is disagreeable, 
the Club may secure to itself as much freedom from Boredom as is 
compatible with mundane existence, aud this is as near an approach to 
happiness as caa reasonably be expected. 

Gentlemen desirous of joining the Club can send their names and 
qualifications to the Secretary, under cover to Mr. Punch. 

Classical.— It is a fact not mentioned in Lempriere, that in ancient 
times " ploughing the ocean " produced Ce-crops. 

August 15, 1863.] 




orthy of the gravest con- 
sideration to the tourist is 
the subject of Dress. The 
choice of costume, specially 
as regards the adoption of 
old clothes, must depend a 
great deal upon previous 
habits. Provide yourself, 
however with — 
A Reversible Coat, black 
s ~~^*. ^ ^jjv^v^ one side and white the 

other, with tails to hook 
on in case you want to go 
to an evening party. 

Reversible Boots, so that 
you may be able to retrace 
your steps with ease. Let 
them be very neat, for it 
always is a point to turn 
out your toes well. 

Travelling is dull work, 
sociably speaking, or, we 
should say, not sociably 
speaking. Take our advice, 
and break through any 
bashfulness and awkward 
reserve in opening a con- 
versation with a chance 
Before" we step into the train, a carriage must be selected. Choose 
one where the only available seat is filled with the boxes, rugs, 
sticks, &c, belonging to the occupants. Insist upon these being im- 
mediately removed. When this operation has been performed, and 
every one is more or less uncomfortable, say you've changed your 
mind, and shan't come in. Walk a little way from the door, then return 
to request them to keep the seat for you. Wait until three minutes 
before the train starts, when lose no time in shoving your fishing rod, 
desk3 with unpleasantly sharp corners, telescopes, sticks, umbrellas, and 
curiously impracticable hat boxes, under the seats. You must be very 
careful in looking after your luggage ; therefore, at frequent intervals 
during the journey rummage about among the passengers' ( legs with 
your stick, in order to ascertain the safety of the various articles. If 
you miss anything, at once charge travelling companions, individually 
and collectively, with the theft. Even if they haven't stolen it, t' w ill 
serve, as a pleasant little ruse for breaking the ice and navigating a 
north-west passage to conversation point. If they won't second you in 
your laudable endeavours, whistle, hum, sing, eat oranges, and let the 
window perpetually up and down in order to dispose of the peel. 
Should you happen to be shut in with a solitary companion, say, for 
instance, an elderly gentleman inclined for sleep, [the following wilLbe 
found an excellent 

Scheme for a Railway Conversation with an entire stranger (elderly 
First Class):— ,i 

How do you do, Sir P I hope you are'pretty well ? It is a very fine 
day, a very wet day, a queer day, a tooral-li-day, &c, as the case may 
be. Seen the Duke's Motto ?— [Here give a succinct account of the plot, 
finishing with, of course, an imitation o/Mk, Fechter. 

Been to the Opera P Heard Lucca and Path ?— [Here give imita- 
tions of Lucca and Path : this is the way to get on in the world and 
make yourself a pleasant companion. 

Of course you've travelled by the Underground Railway? No? 
Dear me! well then, &c, &c. {Here give imitations of the Underground 
Railway : say sssssssssssssh to imitate steam, and shriek when representing 
the passage through a Tunnel ; these embellishments to your discourse will 
render the account graphic and life-like. 

Seen Pepper's Ghost, 1 mean Dircks' and Pepper's Ghost ? No ! 
I have. Look here, this is the way it 's done.— [Here show him the way 
it 's done. 

Been up in a Balloon ? No ! Dear me ! What, never been up in a 
Balloon ? Not with Glaisher ? Lor' Glaisher goes up in a balloon 
with Cox-well, and, when they've reached an altitude ot 300,000,000,000 
feet, their breath is taken away and, &c, &c.— [Here show him how 
Coxwell and Glaisher reach an altitude of 300,000,000, 000 feet, and 
take his breath away. 

Ah! Stopping at a station ? Hungry, eh? No— dear me. [Thirsty ? 
No ?— What are you going to stand ?— [It will now be his turn to show 
you what he's going to stand ; only, if he stands this sort of thing much 
longer, he will be a greater muff than we take him for. 

Adapt yourself to your company ; if your fellow traveller be a Bishop 
or Archdeacon, the following scheme will serve jour turn : — 

How are you, eh ? Like wearing Gaiters, and Shovel Hats? I saw 
you at Ascot. You old doo, you !— [Here dig him in the ribs. 

I'll write to the Archbishop, you sly dog, I will. I say, did you see 
the last Fight for the Belt ? You didn't— my eye !— well you must 
know that when Jem's Novice drew the claret from the Dustman's 
smeller, &c.— [Here illustrate the action of draicing his claret, and so on 
through the several rounds. 

Good Ballet at Her Majesty's this year ! fine "gals— rather. I say do 

you know that capital story about [Here tell him that capital story 

about . 

I 'm told the Bishop of London isn't going to shoot this year— eh, 
why?— because he was seen drawing his Charge— ha! ha! ha!— had you 
there, &c, ad libitum. 

All this is very cheerful, sociable, and sprightly, and will carry you 
down to Dover, Newhaven, or S'tlrumpton Water as pleasantly as 


Anybody who has any money to throw away should put'himself into 
communication with " A Barrister," who, in a letter to the Post, under 
the title of Foreign Lotteries, thus writes :-— 

" I have received by post a printed circular, but without the name of any printer, 
which informs me of a ' Grand Money Distribution of the Loan of the Grand Duchy 
of Baden,' and of the '245th Hamburgh State Distribution.' The drawing- of the 
prizes is to take place at Carlsruhe on the 31st of August instant, and at Hamburgh 
on the 24th September next. Orders for shares will be strictly executed, provided 

they are accompanied with the necessary remittances to Mr. , General Merchant, 

Guernsey, or to Mr. , Proprietor of the official Guernfey Gazette. The names I 

have purposely left in blank." 

Of course, "A Barrister" will be happy to 'give* the'names of the 
parties in question, to any gentleman labouring under a plethora of the 
purse, and desirous of lightening his pocket. An eminent operator in 
ophthalmic surgery remarks : " The Grand Money Distribution of the 
Loan of the Grand Duchy of Baden is, like an opacity on the cornea, 
a bad spec. ; but if you call that a partial and morbid view of the 
thing, then I may venture to describe it as all my eye." In the City 
it is generally remarked, that the Hamburgh speculation is as bad as the 
Baden, if it is not a worse 'un, and that the Baden as well as the Ham- 
burgh is all humbug. There is much significance in " A Barrister's " 
observation that he has left the names of the gentlemen who are open 
to receive remittances for the Hamburgh and Baden lottery-shares, in 
blank. Anybody who may think it prudent to send them any money 
may safely calculate that the number of any lottery ticket which he may 
get in return will correspond exactly to their names as above stated. 

Election Intelligence. 

Major Waterhouse has been returned for Loed Houghton's 
"abandoned cave" Pontefract (we use " abandoned" in its poetical 
sense) and Sir E. Head has not. Waterhouse, however, owes his 
election not to his Conservatism but to the hot weather. With the glass 
at, 80, the name Waterhouse brought a cool, sluicy, refreshing idea. 
The Liberals were idiots not to re-christen their man Sir New River 


[August 15, 1863. 


our Fathers of the Oratory at 
Brompton appear to be en- 
dowed with eloquence. They 
persuaded young Mr. Har- 
rison, aged 18 years 6 months, 
to turn Boman Catholic in 8 
hours. According to the ac- 
couut of Mr Harrison's 
father in the Times, Harri 
son Junior was taken by < 
friend to see the Oratory 
never having spoken to i 
Popish Priest before. He was 
introduced to Brother Bow- 
den at about 1 a.m., and bap 
tised by that ecclesiastic at 
9 p.m. This, says Mr. Har- 
rison, Senior, was "done 
witli the knowledge and con 
sent of Mr. Faber, the Father 
Superior, for the express pur 
pose of preventing any inter 
position of my parental au 
thority." Mr. Paber appears 
to be a Father Superior in 
deed; a Father who esteems 
his authority over a young 
gentleman immensely superior 
to that of that young gentle- 
man's Papa. 

Who is this Faber? Mr 
Newdegate lately took occa- 
sion to stale that the Bromp- 
ton Oratorians were in the 
habit of burying their d 
under other names than those 
which were given by their spon 
sors. That statement doubt- 
less evinced great bigotry, 
intolerance, and bad taste on 
the part of Mr. Newdegate. 
It was very offensive to gen- 
teel sympathies. Neverthe- 
less it appears to be quite true, 
We may venture to observe 
that the name of Faber is one 
very appropriate to the Chief 
of an Institution in which such 
fabrications occur. Its range 
of meaning, too, is so com- 
prehensive, that we will not 
inquire if it is a mere Latin- 
ism for Smith. 

Master Harrison had 
been Captain of Westminster 
School. He was in the way 
of getting elected, in a 'few weeks, to a studentship of Christchurch, Oxford. . He is now 
a postulant in the Oratory. His disappointed father is an expostulant out of it. He will 
expostulate with Fabkr and Co., about as effectually as Mortara expostulated with the 
Pope. They will only laugh at him; while Sir George Bowyer and Mr. Monsell will 
perhaps complain seriously that he has cast obloquy on "the gentlemen of the Oratory" 
by publishing the personal grievance which he has sustained from the proselytism of those 

What lengths would not such fellows as these Brompton Oratorians go to make converts ? 
Simply the length of their tether iD all directions. The expediency of keeping that tether 
short is manifest. However long it is they will keep it tight. It is well, however, that 
a generous toleration allows them a sufficiency of rope. 

Brompton is a place whose name is rising. There are Brompton Boilers, and, if the 
Oratory were paramount, there would soon, no doubt, be Brompton Burners. The con- 
version of a lad under 19, between the hours of 1 and 9, is tolerably hot work. The Oratorians 
turned him in 8 hours. It was a short time to taint him in. They couldn't have done it 
sooner if they had been so many Bluebottles. Let them be called the Brompton Blowflies. 

New Rendering of an Old Quotation.! 

Many of our Public Conveyances are full of draughts, owing to broken panes of glass 
and bad-fitting windows. Sir Eichard Maine it was, we believe, who said that this fact 
could nor. be denied, but that it was no gooii making a row about it, because Dc gusty 'bus non 

Gu along, Sir Eichard 
Dick aye ! 

or as we ought to say just to keep up our latinity, Sir, 


" To Mr. Punch, Sib, 

" I am an alderman, and therefore I of 
course love a good dinner. Moreover, when I 
get one, I like to make the most of it, and to eat 
as much as ever Nature will permit me. Now, 
to a man in my position it 's easy to get good 
dinners, but it isn't quite so easy to get appetites 
to match ; for somehow at my age one's relish 
soon wears out, and even turtle ain't so tempting 
after the third plateful. 1 believe I 've tried all 
sorts of appetising fillips, and not a dinner-pill 
comes out but I 'm the first to test its efficacy. 
But I know of no plan yet for making one feel 
hungry after seven courses, and the man who 
should by any means succeed in doing that would 
most deservedly be called a benefactor to^ his 

" Well, Sir.'I read the other day'that at'a charm- 
ing dinner given at St. James's Hall, where 
conger soup was served and other novel delica- 
cies, the temperature of the room was raised to a 
great heat, so that the guests while being treated 
to a tropical repast, might enjoy it all the more 
by feeling as though really they were dining in 
the tropics. This arrangement doubtless caused 
a great amount of thirst (and this is, after dinner, 
no uncomfortable thing), but I should fancy that 
the appetite was terribly impaired by it; and I 
would suggest for future banquets of this sort 
that the room should be w-dl iced, instead of 
being heated. We all know that one gets 
hungrier in cold weather than hot, aud were the 
temperature of dining-rooms brought down to 
freezing point, I have no doubt we should have a 
wintry relish for our dinners. Lndeed, why not 
take a hint from what one hears of Arctic life, 
and, by lowering the temperature to somewhere 
below zero, endeavour to produce a really Arctic 
appetite. Eight pounds of solid meat is there 
an ordiuary ration; and if, as we are told, an 
Esquimaux will eat ten 'pounds of salmon at a 
meal, what would an alderman not eat, were he 
equally refrigerated ? A dozen plates of fish, and 
then a peck or so of whitebait, would merely 
serve to whet his appetite for more substantial 
viands ; and after swallowing a duck or two, and 
some few score of other entrees, he might devour 
a whole roast turkey and half a haunch of venison. 

" Trusting my suggestion will be acted on ere 
long, and that, when I dine at Greenwich next, 
the room will be well iced for me, 
" I am, Sir, yours, &c, 

" Dando Daniel Lambert Smith." 

" Gobbleton House, Friday." \ 


The 'Star, coruscant in an article on a pro- 
jected steam-pilgrimage to the Holy Land, thus 
shines : — 

" So the tourists will get^eighty-four hours to do Jeru- 
salem and return to Sidon ; and we should like to know 
what Mr. Disraeli or Mr. Kinglske would think of such 
a feat," 

Probably Mr. Disraeli will be of opinion 
that the idea of doing Jerusalem in eight-and- 
forty hours is ridiculous, and Mr. Kinglakb 
will agree with him that Jerusalem is not so 
easily to be done. Both of those gentlemen will 
doubtless also unite in declaring their conviction 
that it is very difficult to do Jerusalem at all, and 
that the traveller, as well as people who stay at 
home, will have to get up very early to take 
Jerusalem in. 

A Plea for Prussian Policy.— The" best 

apology that can be made for the King op 

Prussia's conduct touching the Polish question 

hat lie must be puzzled how to act, b.-eause his 

position iu lespect to it is peculiarly Posen. 

August 15, 1863.] 




From a Sporting but Serious Contributor. 

"My dear Punch, 

"I was always partial to athletic sports, and if I do not 
mingle in them now so much as I used to do, it is because I like to 
leave the course free to younger men. As this is the close of the season, 
and as any kind of sensational contribution must be acceptable, 1 beg 
briefly to describe an intensely interesting contest in which 1 took part 
on Wednesday last, and of which I may say pars magna fui, because 
Latin shows t lie gentleman. 

" The mat cli in which I took part was a sculling match by members 
of a distinguished rowing club which takes its name from the Sea- 
Urcliin, and whose flag is a gay horse-cloth. I am one of the Sea- 
Urchins. At four o'clock, more or less, we went on board the Don Juan. 
river steamer, specially chartered, and except that there was nothing 
to eat or drink, the arrangements of the commissariat were unexcep- 
tionable. Nothing could exceed the eagerness of the public at the 
piers to get on board the private boat, except the intense ferocity of the 
pier-men, who pulled back the public with a savageness amounting 
to sublimity. I do not know the name of the Captain, nor is it 
material to the present narrative, but the man at the wheel had red 
hair, and seemed pensive. This may have been the result of a deter 
mination of periwinkles to the head, for he was consuming those fishes 
during a large part of the voyage. No accident occurred, except that 
embarking in a hurry I forgot my cigar-case, but this want was 
supplied ifl the most obliging manner by a geutleman to whom I tender 
my respectful thanks for the very worst weed 1 ever smoked in my life.' 

"In the centre of the steam-vessel were exposed two silver vessels, 
thus illustrating Ihe proverb 'wheels within wheels.' One was a vase, 
the other a cup, both were elegant, and I should have liked one for 
my eldest boy whose birthday, by a curious coincidence, will be on 
the 12th of October next, and the other for my youngest boy, whose 
n&tal day will actually fall on the 20th of this present August, but my 
suggestion to that effect, made to the persons in charge of the vessels, 
was not so favourably received as to induce me to repeat it. I then 
generously recommended one of them to be given as a testimonial 
to our Captain for safely navigating the boat to Putney, and for his 
affable, manly, and sailorly behaviour, but I was requested, with some 
little acerbity, to shut up. 

"On arriving at Putney, at the pier opposite the Gar and Starter, 
myself and another Sea-Urchin of similar lastes held council, and 
deciding that, in the event, of any dispute arising as to the result of the 
match about to come off, it would be highly desirable that two of the 
party should be in that calm frame of mind requisite in an umpire, we 
selected a small, but pleasant private room overlooking the river, and 
ensconsed ourselves therein. Both of us being men of high moral 
principle, and aware that it is wrong to waste any portion of the time 
which can never be regained, we ordered dinner, recommending similar 
economy of time to the menial who was to prepare the food. 

"There were, I believe, three heats, but the other Sea-Urchin and 
myself, anxious not to be prejudiced by partisanship, did not pay any 
attention to them, beyond noticing that in the first heat four exceed- 
ingly dirty little boys lying in four exceedingly dirty big barges, held 
the tails of the outriggers. We heard the thundering voice of the 
starter, and saw the sculls fla<h, but 1 cannot inform you of the order 
in which the competitors passed the Gar and Starter for two reasons, 
first because the Don Juan was between us and them, and secondly 
because at the moment the waiter entered with some hue flounders, 
fried and in souche. Both were excellent, and the way the sun glauced 
upon the shitting weathercock of the Bishop of London's church 
opposite, suggested thoughts of the mutability of human affairs, and 
the advantage of having an established religion in the country. From 
such thoughts the other Sea-Urchin and myself turned to a bottle of 
more than tolerable Champagne, but it had not been long enough upon 
the ice. It is well not to be defeated even in trifles, we therefore 
ordered in some lumps of Wcnhani lake ice, which nearly supplied the 
defective refrigeration. 

" Soon afterwards the Don Juan returned, and a Sea Urchin, who has 
the command of the Deaf and Dumb alphabet, telegraphed to us that a 
gentleman whose initial is that of both Deaf and Dumb, but who is 
neither, had won the first heat. But as his most foimidable competitor 
had the same initial, we obtained no very precise information, and the 
entry of some admirable cutlets of course precluded further inquiry. 
While we discussed these, and some other things, the second heat took 
place, and was won by a Sea-Urchin who bears the name of a very 
distinguished English novelist, who has depicted humble and aristo- 
crat ic life in touching fictions, and who has been dead about a century. 

" Myself and my companion then felt that the time had come for an 
active effort, and that if we were ever to make ourselves worthy of being 
called in as umpires in the event of a dispute, that was the moment for 
SO doing. We, therefore, ordered some further liquid refreshment, ami 
lit cigars, which the courteous lady of the hostel apprised us were cele- 
brated and sixpence, an auricular if not a literary alliteration. They, 

were full, but good, and they occupied us until the third return of the 
Don Juan with the news that victory, of the most triumphant kind, had 
fallen to the winner of the first heat, who may be described in exactly 
the same terms as I have used in reference to the winner of the second 
heat, except that happily the last eight words must be omitted. It gave 
me pleasure to think that I had contributed to the success of a gentle- 
man in whom all well regulated minds must take an interest, but I 
make, of course, no merit of my duty as a Sea-Urchin. 

" No dispute arising, partly I presume from the circumstance of the 
winning boat having been a great many lengths a-head, the services 
which i and my friend had been prepared to offer were not required. 
We felt, therefore, that we had needlessly sacrificed pleasure to duty, 
and deprived ourselves of six voyages under a broiling sun, but we 
would not set the younger Sea-Urchins a bad example by repiuing, and 
therefore, concealing our mortification, and congratulating the victors, 
one of whom bore away the Vase and the other the Cup, we once more 
embarked on board the 'Don Juan, and smoked the celebrated and six- 
pence until landing at Hungeiford. 

" Space forbids me to dwell upon the extreme importance of athletic 
sports, and rowing in particular. It demands temperance, activity, and 
strength, makes a call upon the animal energies, but leaves a card also 
upon the morals. It is a matter of pride and pleasure to me to assist 
in such sports, as I did on Wednesday, and I only wish that the water- 
tournament of the Sea-Urchins had had an abler chronicler than 

" My dear Punch, yours truly, 
" Wandsworth, Aug. lit//." " Epicurus Botitnous." 


No, no, English gentlemen of the Federal persuasion, emphatically 
No. Mr. Lincoln may, in the interest of liberty, put the American 
press in chains, but we do not stand that sort of thing here. The 
clergy and ministers of the Southern States have just as much right to 
be heard as the "dearly beloved" dittoes who address us from the 
North. The former have sent over an Address, touching the matter 
of which no matter, it is a theological exposition of their views. And 
you, Newman Halls and Morning Stars and the rest of you, are 
clamouring because this address is inserted among the advertisements 
in that excellent Good Words, in the dignified Quarterly, and elsewhere. 
You want to gag the Southerns. You protest against their being even 
heard in "religious" families. No, gentlemen. We hate all slavery, 
and we object to enslaving anybody. Let everybody be heard. But 
this evidence of cowardice and this attempt at tyranny; arc admirably 
in keeping with the hypocrisy that makes war to emancipate the slaves 
—of the opponents of Lincoln and Seward's cabinet. 


Tupfer for the Million the Hatchards advertise, 
Celebrated T upper, the witty aud the wise, 
Tupper the original, Tupfer the profound, 
Tupper for proverbial philosophy renowned, 
Solomon and Plato melted into one, 
Through from end to end read ever, once begun ; 
Charmingly didactic, and never dull or slow, 
TupPhR for the Million, at three-and-sixpence, O ! 
TupptR will be Crcesus in case the Million pay ; 
Here 's success to Tupper, with hip, hip, hip, hooray, 


" Every man hath business . . . such as it is."— Hamlet. 

" I 'm not a man of business, Punch, and I was afraid I never should 
be. I know pretty well what 1 earn, and I've a rough gue:s at what 1 
owe, and if you add the two, there's my annual income, and about once 
in three years the governor settles with people who bother, so that the 
system works very well. But the dear old governor is always telling 
me to be a Man of Business, which he says is ' the only way to be pros- 
perous and respected.' Do yon know I think I shall try ? It can't be 
such difficult work. Look at the Men of Business who direct Railways. 
There can't be greater business swells than those, can there, now ? 
Well, at the Great Western meeting Mr. Adams says that Company 
made an agreement with the Undergroundlings to lay out £28,000 a-year 
with them. But the Men of Business forgot to sign the paper, though 
they began spending the tin. Then they found out that the affair 
wouldu't suit them, so the respected Men of Business repudiate the 
honourable agreement, and pitch over the Undergroundlings. Upon my 
honour 1 'in quite equal to being a prosperous and respected Man of 
Business iu this fashion, aud I shall tell tlie Governor so. i like this 
free and easy way of going on. » hloiiiih U ATTLK casii." 



[AtJGtJST 15, 1863. 


He, of course, tries its Powers. First, the Stow and Gentle Movement ! 

And then the Quick and Strong I 



(From the American Edition of Shakspeare.) 

The Tent of Brutus (Lincoln). Night. Enter the Ghost of C^sar. 
Brutus. Wall, now ! Do tell ! Who 'a you ? Caesar. I am dy ebil genus, raassa Linking. 

Dis child am awful Inimpressional. 

August 15, 1863. 




ver and over again Sir, 1 
Lave read your admirable 
article. I may say 1 have 
read all your admirable arti- 
cles ; but the one to which. 
I specially refer was on the 
Organ Nuisance. Sir, I am 
by profession a Mathemati- 
cian, and for the pursuit of 
my studies a quiet street 
seemed to offer unusual 
advantages. Unusual ! 1 
trust they are unusual. My 
studies are indeed pursued 
— yes, pursued by Bands, 
literally Bands of Inharmo- 
nious Blackguards. There 's 
a title for a descriptive 
work by any composer,' The 
Inharmonious Blackguard ! ' 
Sir, the Poet has said some- 
thing severe about the man 
'who has not music in his 
soul.' Good Heavens ! this 
could not be a Poet's or 
any one else's opinion of me, who am overwhelmed in music, covered 
with music from the top of my head to the sole of my foot, until I 
wonder that I do not break out in Lucy Neals and Mary Blanes all 
over. I will break out, though, and between the spaces of this 
Music (!) write a few lines. While Evelina, my daughter, Sir, an 
engaging child of tender years,— how tender by the way are my 
ears!— is taking her matutional music lesson from Signor Solfa- 
rini, there comes a set of Niggers, who in the middle of La ci darem 
or some other beautiful melody, suddenly strike up [would 1 were in 
Ole Virginny. How devoutly I would that they were. A struggle 
commences between the piano and the serenaders. What is one 
against so many ! The piano grows fainter and fainter and at 
length yields. 1 go out on my door-step and address the sooty troupe. 
What do they? Sir, their villain leader, who, I regret to say, impu- 
dently assumes an imitation of your own honoured attire, but ' no more 
like to Punch than I to Hercules,' waves his baton, and the demons in 
the Air commence Out ob the way, Ole Ban Tucker, doubtlessly alluding 
to myself as Dan Tucker, and unwilling to be the Volunteer Butt of 
some fifty Tag, Bag, and Bobtail (say twenty-five of each sort), 1 do at 
length feebly imitate the venerable Daniel, and get out ob de way 

" Sir, I am preparing a work on the Differential Calculus. No sooner 
do I sit down and attempt the solution of a stiff Problem, than two 
hulking (I 'd ' Hulk ' them if was a Judge and Jury) fellows iu the garb 
of Highlandmen stop to play on the bagpipes. One of these idiots 
dances. Why do not these men do real, instead of reel, work ? Why 
do they not become the Busy Bees instead of the Abominable Drones 
of Society ! At my feeding time they allow me no peace. The donkey 
and woman with the oigan — I mean the two donkejs with the organ, 
take up position in front of my wiudow. 'Enough is as good as a 
feast ; ' and is it not sufficient to have one good dinner on the table 
without having another horrid dinner in the street? Ay, and more 
than enough. Let me go out as Don Quixote against the wind instru- 
ments, those brazen bands and organised destroyers of my happiness. 
Let me reduce them to powder and scatter their organic remains to the 
wind. Apologising for taking up so many lines with one note, 
" 1 remain, Yours Distractedly, 

" Archimedes Screwster." 
" P.S. I ask as a Mathematician why, or rather y, does not Police- 
man x interfere and put these Male-Pactors into viuclis or brackets ? 
Why ? Because, Sir, I believe he 's x~, that is x squared." 

Cockney Sport Extraordinary. 

A Well-known Sporting character, residing at Putney, being unable 
to reach the Moors this Season, and having lost his gun, has lately 
amused himself by bringing down several brace of grouse by means of 
the Brompton omnibus. 

VU ANTED. — A Travelling Companion, to be in perpetual good spirits, 
* * and warranted to defray all the expenses of the longest journey. The Adver- 
tiser proposes adopting the plans of Tours, suggested by the How, Whn, and Whtre 
Ouide. The Companion must be amiable, only five feet four in height, and physically 
Weak in case ot a quarrel. The Advertiser is fond of Change, and the Compunio" 
therelore must have plenty of it in his pockets. 


{From the American Edition of S/uzkspeare.) 

The Tent of Brutus (Lincoln). Night. Enter an Ethiopian Serenader 

with a Banjo. 

Serenader. You sent for me, my lord ? 

Brutus. Jerusalem ! 

I calculate, Siree, I did that same. 
Canst thou hold up thy heavy eyes awhile, 
And touch thine instrument a strain or two ? 

Serenader. Ay, my lord, an't please you. 

Brutus. It does, my b'hoy. 

I' trouble thee too much, but thou art willing. 
Sing me a soothing song, yet sensible. 

Serenader Sings. 
Bold Massa Lee, him coming after we, 
Whack, jack, crack, jibble obble lack, 
Brave Massa Meade, him berry strong indeed, 
Whack, jack, crack, jibble obble lack. 

&c. &e. &c. [Serenader falls asleep. 

Brutus. 'Tis a sweet tune, yet sleepy. He is fast, 
I will not do him so much wrong to wake him. 
I '11 rather read. Where is the noble work 
Whence I cull anecdotes and jocund jests 
Wherewith to ornament my statesmanship, 
Making smooth Seward smile, stiff Stanton scowl? 
O, Joseph Miller, thou art mighty jet. 

Where was 1 ? Ha ! " A lawyer met a clown [He reads. 

Diiviug a pig to market, and observed, 
' Why, thereby haugs a tail,' to which,"— By gosh, 
This darned eternal moderator burns 

As badly as 

Enter the Ghost of C/ESAR. 

Wall, now ! Do tell ! Who 's you ? 

Caesar. I am dy ebil genus, massa Linking. 
Dis child am awful iuimpressional, 
As massa did obserb. 

Brutus. I never did. 

My word was Irrepressible, base nigger. 

Caesar. All de same, massa, iu one hundred j'ear. 

Brutus. Be off, black spectre. How I hate thy looks ! 
Thou art the cause of all my allure bother : 
Would every Black were deep in the Black Sea, 
Or every son of Ham were cut so thin 
That I could eat him up in sangwidges. 

Ctjesar. More bother yet for massa, for dis child 
Stick close to him like wax, eh, golly, iss. 

Brutus. Begone, I say. 

Caesar. Massa am not polite : 

Him call him up, him call him man and brudder, 
Him give him Mancipation, and a gun 
To shoot at massa Davy. 

Brutus. Davis, fool. 

Davis's Straits are not as great, as mine, 
But, Davy — would thou wert in Davy's Locker. 

Caesar. Him 'tick to massa. 

Brutus. Tick. Thou may'st say that. 

How 's massa to get tick ? (That 's none so bad.) 

Caesar. Dat massa's business. For one little time 
Dis child be off, but soon him come again, 
And play de Debbil looking over Lincoln. 

Brutus. Vamoose ! Go ! Slope to him whom thou hast named, 
And whom I 've raised in this here blessed war. 
Away, black cuss ! [Cesar vanishes. 

Serenader Awakes, and Sings. 
Massa Bennett Gordon '('raid to stick a sword on, 

Whack, jack, crack, jibble obble lack, 
Massa Horace Greeley look a little mealy, 
Whack, jack, crack, jibble obble lack, — 
[Brutus gives him a violent kick, which sends him flying out 
of the tent. 

Brutus. Darn thy brute jargon ! (laughs.) Hooker fled not quicker. 
Rebellion 'a dead, or ought to be. Let 's liquor. [Exit. 


WnAT at this Season of the year is a more soothing position to the 
lover of luscious juices than to lie under the shade of a boot-tree from 
whence depend bunches of the choicest keys ! 



[August 15, 1863. 


Courageous Party (to shocked acquaintance.) " But they carried 'em so in the 
Middle Ages, my dear fellow. — See Cotton MS8., Titus, W. 25. And the comfort — 
I assure you I shouldn't know I'd got it about me .'" 


Many have told of the Monies of Old all sorts of things 
more or less true according to the bias of the narrator. 
If they did send a few heretics to the stake, they were at 
least impartial in their prosecutions ; for it is au acknow- 
ledged fact, that, in the Refectory Festivities, with which 
they invariably celebrated these Triumphs of Religion, 
they toasted one another, and often roasted a brother on 
his weak points. The above information may be gathered 
from M. Montalembert's Monks of the West. 

In a Rare old codex may be found the information that 
there are tot libri Africani, probably full of black letter, 
in the now almost inaccessible Libraries of Abyssinia. We 
recommend Mr. Hotten to look after these as quickly as 
possible, and bring them out among his other Antiquarian 
productions as the Hotten-tot libri. 

The London Traffic Managers have' ordered that when 
the Pulham Omnibus has its compliment of passengers, it 
shall be invariably known as the Quite-Fulbam Omnibus. 
Nobody has made any objection to this. 

The other morning the celebrated Mr. Smith received 
the amount of a debt from a well-known talented individual. 
We are authorised to say that the name of the gentleman 
who paid Smith was not Owen. || 

Dr. Nathan Davis, F.R.G.S ., the celebrated Traveller 
for the Ruined Houses of Carthage, has lately returned 
from somewhere or other in Africa : he has not only found 
out the Source of the Nile, but has made another discovery 
beside this. He has discovered that Messrs. Speke and 
Grant have discovered it before him. 

There is to be a new Company started with the object 
of assisting the poor to as much money as possible. Their 
name is excellent security ; they call themselves, The Men- 
dacity Society, Limited Liarbility. 

The Russian Innocent. 

Poor Gortschakoff ! How hard to be, 

Misconstrued by the Great Powers Three, 

His plain-spoken diplomacy 

To have set down for irony, 

His straightforward simplicity 

For tortuous, crawling trickery ! 

A humbug much miscalled is he : 

Prince Gortschakoff homme incompris!\ 


Miss Naylor— The Second Unrevealed Mystery. 

Miss Naylor— Her Birth— Absence of Specific Data— Her Theological Views— Philo- 
sophical— Joan of Arc— Omission by Historians— Her Opinion of Charles the 
First— James the Second— Probable acquaintance with Homer— No Infor- 
mation regarding the Pre- Adamite Jaw at Abbeville — Discussion regarding her 
Hair— Awful Disappearance of a Lady's Maid— Curious Question as to her final 
Departure — Testimony of credible Witnesses— Who was She ? — Mystery — 

To give the date of Miss Naylor's birth would be, at the very com- 
mencement, 1o set at rest for ever the much vexed question as to this 
lady's age. It' the fact of Being is any certain proof of Birth, then we 
might adopt the formula, that, "Because Miss Naylor existed, there- 
fore she was born." Than this we can go no further; nor can any 
number of mathematicians, even by the nicest of nice approximations, 
arrive at anything like a guess as to the probable, we do not require 
the exact, year of this mysterious lady's first appearance on the mundane 
stage. Our parents and the parents of our contemporaries had seen her 
in their childhood, and they testified that she had always been the 
same as we had known her. Everybody agreed that she was a superior 
woman. She subscribed to many libraries, mastered the daily news- 
papers, read everyl modern book of note as it came out, and took a 
warm interr st in the Theological controversies of the day, inclining to 
the High Church side for the sake of elegance, at the same time pro- 
fessing Broad tenets, so as to give her natural feminine reverence a 
tinse of masculine philosophy. She always spoke in terms of ths 
highest praise of Joan of Arc, and from occasional hints not a few 
of her more intimate friends were of opinion, that La Pucelle and 
Miss Naylor were at school together, aud that the fotmer picked 

up some of her very original notions from her English companion. 
That all historians mention Joan and none Miss Naylor, in no way 
militates against the above-mentioned h.vporhesis. She expressed her 
opinion of that "poor dear Charles the First," or that "unhappy 
vacillating James," alluding to the second monarch of that name, 
with all the confident familiarity of personal knowledge. Everyone 
was agog to catch the slightest clue to the antiquity of this extraor- 
dinary woman. There are those who have heard her say that she 
" knew Homer pretty well : " at another time, " that her acquaintance 
with him was slight." She appeared pained if the question was pressed. 
Could it be that, in dajs of yore, Miss N. had kindled a Greek (ire in 
the Poet's breast? Her outline when we knew her, was not strictly 
classical, but Homer, like Love himself, was blind. Of her ears we 
can say nothing positively, never having seen them. Perhaps these 
respected organs had loved to listen to the thunder-murmurs of the 
Pre-adamif,e swain, whose jaw was so lately found at Abbeville ; and, 
on the other hand, perhaps not. The greatest mystery about Miss 
Naylor was her hair. Were those bandolined and daintily-plastered- 
down raven locks, the gift of nature or the marvellous work of art ? 
It was reported that a waiting-woman had somehow or another become 
possessed of the secret. Whether this was so or not, the maid vanished j 
and her strangely sudden disappearance warned all others against any 
intrusion beyond the veil. Whether she ultimately departed this life, 
or not, is still a controverted point ; her friends can only speak to one 
certain fact ; namely, that they buried her. It is a curious thing that 
though the so-called Miss Naylor was evidently a person of great con- 
sequence, and though it was clearly a matter of the deepest importance 
to keep her age a secret from the world, yet there was not a single 
person of high birth, no Queen, Princess, or Duchess, missing from 
her place in the entire Noble lists of the four quarters of the habitable 
Globe. The wife of the Great Cham of Tautary did, it is true, die 
somewhere about this time; but we do not attribute much to the 
coincidence. The individuality aud age of Miss Naylor must remain, 
as far as we are concerned, a profound mystery until the end of 

August 15, 1863.] 






Next year, we all know, will be the Shakspeare Tercentenary ; and 
the Siratford-upon-Avonites of course will be desirous to attract as 
many visitors as may be to their town. What interesting objects are 
there treasured for inspection may be imagined from a statement in the 
Strafford Chronicle, wherein it is alleged, concerning Shakspeare's 
house and birthplace, that — 

" This national property has recently undergone considerable improvement, both 
in the house and the pardon that surrounds it. The garden in which the house 
stands is laid out, and planted with trees and shrubs, all of which have a Shak- 
spearean Association, by being selected from those menti jned by the dramatist in 
bis works." 

Of course the flowers and herbs and fruit-bushes have been similarly 
selected. What a delightful treat it would be come into the garden, 
Maud, with somebody or other who was fond of quoting Shakspeare, 
and to hear him cite the passages where each tree and flower is named ! 
" Here 's rue for you," he would remark upon discovering that herb, 
and "There's pippins," though no cheese, and look here is " a bai k 
whereon the wild thyme grows." To make the thing complete, the 
garden walks ought to be made of stones with sermons in them, as 
at the bottom of the garden there runs the Avon, in which the poet's 
eye, when rolling in its frenzy, possibly discovered a whole library 
of books. 

Among the " curious and invaluable relics of the immortal," which 
are carefully preserved and exhibited at Stratford, the statement 
which we quote calls especial attention to " a plaster representation 
in relievo of the Battle between David and Goliah," which must be 
well worth journeying from Jericho to see. This is shown by the pro- 
prietor (on payment of a fee ?) " together with the first Visitors' 
Book, including autographs of George the Fourth, * * * an d 
other eminent individuals," including Mr. Punch. A still higher treat, 
however, awaits the Shakspeare pilgrim at the Sliakspeare Hall in Chapel 
Street, where, according to the writer who has been instructing u?,— 

" May be seen an admirable full-length painting by Wilson, of Shakspeare in 
the attitude of inspiration ; and one by Gainkuoruugh', of Garrick reclining grace- 
fully upon a pedestal, idolising the poet's bust." 

The old figure of " Britannia sitting on her trident " is recalled to 
us by this of Garrick gracefully reclining on a pedestal. Had it been 
a sofa, the posture would be natural; but.. to recline upon a pedestal 
must be rather a hard feat. 

Seeing relics, even Shakspeare's. is somewhat tiring work ; and 
after being dragged round to the "Lions" we have mentioned, the 
visitor will doubtless be glad to sit down somewhere and get something 
to drink. So the writer we have quoted calls attention very properly 
to the Falcon Tavern, which he says is " mentioned by Da. Drake in 
his Noontide Leisures, as having been kept iu Shakspeare's time by 
one Judas Shaw," and where the ale of the present is of excellent 
quality. As a still stronger inducement to_ patronise this hostelry, it 
is stated further that — 

" In the smoke-room, where there is no doubt the immortal Bard has oft been 
heard to say, ' Shall I not take mine ease in mine inn,' is the wainscoting from New 

This idea of Shakspeare going about his native town, and quoting 
his own plays, is one that, hardly tends to elevate the reverence we feel 
for the " immortal bard " We suppose we shall hear next that he 
used to chaff the grave-diggers at work in the churchyard, and say, 
" Alas ! poor Yorick ! " when they turned up an old skull. No, no ; if 
you please, gents, let Shakspeare rest in peace, and don't disturb his 
memory by putting words into his mouth, and pretending to a know- 
ledge of what he said and did, or might or would or could or should 
have said and done the while he lived in the small town which chanced 
to be his birthplace. Make a show of Stratford as much as ever you 
please ; but do not vulgarise our Shakspeare by your own absurd 
conceits, nor pretend to know much more of him than does the world 
at large. 


" Is it more expensive to keep oneself on board ship than on land ? " 
asks a would-be Nautical Correspondent. Our answer will put the 
matter in a nautilus' shell. If you want to be economical, stop on 
shore ; for it is a matter of great difficulty even to keep your legs for a 
moment at sea. 



[August 15, 1863. 


A Review of the Statutes at Large is about to take place in order 
that such as from age or infirmity, are unfit, for service, may be dis- 
missed. Pending this inspection an indignation Meeting was yesterday 
convened at King's Cross of those distinguished personages, whose 
commission the old Statutes bore, and under whose authority they 
acted. Queen Elizabeth on her arrival immediately took the chair, 
and spoke with her characteristic vigor. 

" By our halidom ! " said Elizabeth, who was evidently ruffled, 
" things have come to a pretty pass, prying into every one of our Acts 
forsooth ! Mbs. Commons had better look to her steps first, and make 
them decent if she wishes respectable people to get into the House 
without being shocked. Why there's scarcely a seat in it that isn't 
soiled, and how many of her new measures when carefully examined 
will be found capable of holding water P And what a quantity of soap 
is used every week in the House! and the money that's wasted on 
powder that won't wash, and notwithstanding Mrs. Commons is 
always in a bustle, did one ever see such spoons ! and then the idea of 
a warming-pan being provided for a young nobleman, who is at present 
at College, but who will require it when he comes of age. It's positively 
shocking. When we kept the British Lion," continued Elizabeth, 
emphatically, "the House was a credit to the neighbourhood; now 
what is it but a House of call for servants out of place and poor disap- 
pointed Cabinet-makers ? " 

James (No. 1) observed that he attended this Meeting at much 
personal inconvenience, being busily engaged in preparing a second 
edition of his celebrated counterblast against the Stygian habit of 
smoking. He did not know that any Act of his could justly be found 
fault with. " In our time," said James, " witchcraft had a pungent 
odour, and smacked of birch brooms, so that we were glad to burn it 
out. It has now an aromatic scent, aud is gratefully inhaled by per- 
sons moving in select circles. Mediums used to cast their spells over 
the cream of the dairy, now, mirabile dictu, they confine their charms to 
the cream of society." 

Charles (No. 2) begged to say that he did not hold himself respon- 
sible for his Acts; in fact, having imbibed a little too much good Rhein 
wine, he had a very confused notion, what really were his Acts during 
Ins glorious reign. As for that little affair of Louisd'ors — Odds-fish ! 
Kings like other men must bow to the res angusta domi. " Our lar- 
der," quoth Charles, " was empty ; to replenish it we took a French 

Elizabeth. You were a light sovereign, weighed and found wanting. 

CharltlS. Gadszooks ! Nobody has any pity for our order. If we 
are out of commission which of our royal cousins will lend us a crown ? 

James (No. 2) would answer that question. Not one ! He thought 
ir, very desirable that a "Royal Co-operative Benefit Society" should 
be established on the Birmingham principle, with special powers to 
assist Members on their trials. 

Charles. Rules of course to be certified by Tidd Pratt. 

jAMfS concurred. 

Richard (No. 3), who appeared in deep mourning/'complained that 
his Acts had been grossly misrepresented. Mu. Shakspeare, of 
Sirattord, his literary executor, had strained his authority to get, in the 
effects. No monarch's character had been so horribly murdered as his 
had been, and he felt it KEAN-ly. 

Anne, who spoke in a sweet subdued tone, " she had no cause 
for self-reproach. She had always upheld Protestantism, notbwit li- 
st anding that she could not help occasionally smiling on the great Pope 
ami all his works." 

At this moment, Mb. Oliver Cromwell presented .himself, and 
asked if he might, be admitted. 

James (No. 1) starting up, and turning pale, " Don't let that Brewer 
in : depend on it he 's brewing something that will_ bring us all to a 
bitter bier." 

William and Mary (William speaking and Mary, by her action, 
confessing that those were her sentiments) thought, there would be no 
harm in admitting Mr. Cromwell, and hearing what apology he had 
to make for his Acts. If not a polished speaker it must be remembered 
that, he had a large spoke in the common weal. 

On a show of hands, Mr. Cromwell's application was rejected, 
whereupon he retired, taking with him his Statutes at large and his 
Sta'ue in stucco. 

George (No. 3) who was cordially received, looking at his watch, 
remarked, " that it was nearly time to think about, dinner. Talking of 
Acts reminded him that some years ago Comedies could never be 
squeezed into less than five, now he understood that by some ingenious 
process they were able to get them into ihree, ami without, being 
crushed either, for they came out as lively as eels; how it, was done he 
defied the Lord Chamuerlmn himself to explain, indeed it was a 
mystery as unfathomable as that, wonderful trick by which an apple 
can be conveyed into a dumpling, and not a crevice shall be detected 
on its surface. The dumpling was a marvellous creation, and owed its 
existence he had heard to a little flour by the water side. Of course," 
added George, "all present knew that Billy Pitt was answerable for 

his Acts, and he would pit Billy against the best dog in the Westminster 

Here George was interrupted by the voice of bluff King Hat,, who 
was heard without inquiring his way to the Matrimonial and Divorce 

Charles, laughing, supposed there was another Harrying Case on. 

Elizabeth indignantly denied it, aud would box any puppy's ears 
who dared to speak disrespectfully of her Papa, even if it were one of 
King Charles's breed — her papa was merely suing for a judicial sepa- 
ration on the ground of cruelty. His seventh marriage had proved 
very unhappy. He had recently united himself to an Irish widow of 
humble extraction, and during the late sultry weather she compelled 
him to sit up till one in the morning, and fan her drooping eyelids with 
a couple of newspapers. 

Charles having apologised, and the thermometer standing at 86 in 
the shade, the Meeting, after the usual formalities, was dissolved. 

Brown and Jones meeting. 

Brown. How are you ? Precious hot, isn't it ? 

Jones. I like it. One feels alive. 

Brown. Anything new ? 

Jones. Well— no. Yes, that 's a shocking affair in Marylebone. 

Brown. Yes, very shocking. I don't know when I have felt so much. 

Jones. These things make us look askance at what we call civili- 

Brown. They ought to set us all thinking. 

Jones. Yes, indeed. By the way there 's been "an earthquake in 
Manilla. ** 

Brown. Has there ? And where 's Manilla ? 

Jones. Somewhere out by China— thousands killed, they say. 

Brown. Earthquakes don't do things by halves, but will cheroots be 
dearer ? 

Jones. Ha ! ha ! Come up to-night and try mine. 

Brown. Well, I will, if I can. Good bye. I can't get that horrid 
thing out, of my head. 

Jones. Manilla? 

Brown. No, no, Marylebone. Manilla 's a long way off. 

Jones. I suppose that's it. . Good bye. [Exeunt. 


Smizzleland. — The only beverage for a chess-player during the game is 

WniTE Wash. — The prettiest and sharpest game on record was played 
by a gentleman of doubtful reputation against a celebrated sheriff's officer. 
The former began by quietly moving from one Square near Regent's Park 
to another at Brompton. This took the Night. His antagonist followed 
him up closely to Queen's Square ; but having been taken to a neighbouring 
hostelrie, and treated to a drink made of port wine, strong and hot, was 
speedily overcome by the Bishop There were several other moves before 
the first-mentioned player uilhdrew from the contest. 

Bet-Hoven.— A bets B that King's Bishop can't sing " We won't go 
Home till Morning" without assistance, and B bets A that he 's an idiot. 
Which wins ? Consult a solicitor. 


-Your lust problem was all wrong, as usual. 
Ingenious Opening. 


P. to K. 

■{Or anywhere else). 

B to Q. 

(Very go:d idea this, and the B. 
probably walks in Q. garden*.) 

Kt. takes Q B.'s B. 

(When fiobody's looking). 

Kt. to R. Kt.'s 2nd. 
(This is a beautiful movement, ori- 
ginally intended for two violins and 
a kettle drum.) 
K. B. takes S. T. D. 
(S. T. 1). are new initials in this 
game, signifying Something to 
Brink, which changes to Draughts.) 

And the other wins. 

A Black Business. 

We have succeeded in abolishing the Sutfee practice by which Indian 
widows are burnt, but, not in putting down that by which climbing 
chimney-sweeps are stifled. 

No Sooner Asked than Told.— What, type ought the Act abolish- 
ing the Metropolitan Turnpikes to have been published in f— Pica. 

August 22, 1863.] 




Neveb on a journey be without something in your 
pockets, even if it's only your hands. 

Before you imperil yourself consider— 

1st. If a family man, what your wife would say ? This 
would almost necessitate taking a cab and going home at 
once to see her upon the subject. 

, 2nd. Whether assisting the sufferers may not result 
in personal im convenience to yourself; as, for instance, 
being at some future time called in as a witness. 

3rd. That your motives might be misconstrued by any 
policeman who might chance to see you. 

4th. The influence of natural modesty. Consider that 
there are so many people in London much better qualified 
to be of service in such an accident than yourself. 

5lh. That you are not a medical man : or if you are, that 
there are a great number of the same profession far more 
experienced in ihese cases than yourself. 

6M That if the subject of ihe accident be a stranger to 
you, he or she might look upon your interference in the light 
ol a "confounded liberty." Never push yourself forward. 

1th. If the person is insensible and cannot speak, how 
do you know that he or she doesn't, like the position ? 

8th. That, it's just dinner time and you must go home, 
or else you 'd have been most happy, &c. &c. 

Qlh. That it, 's no business of yours. 

There are many other considerations, but these are cer- 
tainly among ihe chief. Avoid sentimentalism. 

When the weather threatens rain, walk into a club and 
select an umbrella. 

Never put off till to-morrow what can be done to-day, 
except in the case of a hole in your coat. If you I ell your 
tailor that it must be done to-day, it's very evideut'that 
jou'll have to put it off till to-morrow. 

Always have a good dinner and plenty of money. 

Testy Old Gent, (to Butler). " Claret ! Yes ! Yes ! Pot it down 
. SiMrsoN, don't Blow uton my Head so ! " 

Notes and Queries. 

Where were the ancient Assyrian infants kept? asks 
our intelligent. Correspondent 'Ninny V.' On consulting 
Mb Layard's work, we find that the above mentioned 
Babbies had a nursery at Babby-lon. 



The intelligent Kaffir by whose dialectics Colenso was astonished 
and put to flight, having triumphantly despatched a Bishop, is now 
pointing his critical arrow at a Chancellor, we sincerely hope, not, with 
similar swift and fatal consequences. Our first intimation of this fact 
was derived from a Letter in Zulu caligraphy addressed to " my Lord 
Westbury," which by some unaccountable blunder found its way into 
our courier's box. Of course we sent it on, under cover, to its destina- 
tion, but it was returned to us marked " not known as directed." On 
availing ourselves of our right of search, however, we learnt, that tins 
disowned epistle was not intended simply for private circulation. We 
have no delicacy, therefore, in extracting from it such portions as will 
meet with universal assent, passing over contemptuously those unge- 
nerous comments upon our jurisprudence, which Blackstone in 
Elvsium could not peruse without becoming paler by a shade. 


Letter of intelligent Kaffir to the Lord High Chan- 
cellor of Great Britain. 

" If I am rightly informed, your Lordship is the Keeper of the Royal 
conscience. Now all Metaphysicians and Polemical writers from 
Descartes to Professor Punch have held that man can have but 
one conscience. If then you are the responsible custodian of the Royal 
conscience, what, becomes of your own ? Is it deposited pro tern, with 
the Clerk of the Hanapers, or is no Lawyer ever raised to the Sack of 
W ool until his mens consciarecli has, by rough usage, become thread bare ? 
When your Royal Master feels his conscience becoming trouble- 
some, I understand he delivers to you a stupendous Seal, which you carry 
with you wherever you go. and which is supposed to invest, the bearer 
with unlimited power and learning. This mystic Seal is also an emblem 
oi discretion, by which your Lordship's lips are impressed, as all inqui- 
sitive people fiud, when by pumping you they endeavour to get at the 
Kms s secrets. 

" Your laws, it appears to me, must somewhat resemble plays, as they 
are comprised within a certain number of Acts. Many of those old 
Acts are, I am assured, exceedingly mournful, while some very modern 

.ones can scarcely be distinguished from Farces. When I began to 
study your legislative system, 1 desired my erudite Tutor Counsellor 
Foxey to recommend me a compendious Text-book, whereupon he 
referred me to a Work in several hundred volumes entitled ' Statutes 
at Large.' Now, why should these statutes be at large? Don't jou 
thiuk it highly dangerous? Prom their violent language, a great 
number ought certainly to be placed under some kind of restraint. For 
example, there is a statute still at large, which prohibits any 
Philosopher, if so inclined, from crying * Dust ' in public, when we know 
that all flesh is dust, and that it is a charitable and necessary duty 
occasionally to remind our superiors of it. Very often when a sour 
misanthrope desires to curtail human enjoyment, he gets a statute at 
large manufactured to order, beneath which he hides his malevolence, 
securely effects his nefarious purpose, and robs a poor man of his beer. 

" If 1 mistake not, all your legislative transactions are carried on by 
Bills. A vast number of Bills every jear are drawn by Premier & Co. 
on and accepted by Peers and Commons, and discounted by Bull — the 
great National Bill-discounter. Sometimes Bills are drawn by a party 
for its own accommodation. This species of kite-flying is not respect- 
able. When one of Premier's Bills is dishonoured by not being drawn 
on a good House, the Firm generally, but not always, retire from 
business in disgust. Public censure is very severe upon a party who, 
notoriously insolvent, refuses to shut up. 

" So far as I can judge, your Government is quite paternal. 
A medical officer named Gladstone, who keeps the chequers, is 
constantly feeling the pulse of the people, and regularly once a quarter 
sends a Cupper to bleed them. If the Patient kicks, a soothing 
powder is sometimes administered, and when he is sound asleep, the 
Medical Officer claps on a blister, and taxes his ingenuity to prevent its 
being taken off. Persons of a full habit must find Gladstone's cupping 
extremely refreshing. 

" Awe-inspiring as is your Lordship's judicial presence, it is well 
known that, infants are frequently placed under your official protection, 
and over whom you watch with maternal anxiety, locking them up if 
in danger of being kidnapped, for which purpose you have a peculiar 
key with several wards. Nor does your equitable tenderness rest here. 
A host of very small parsons who find it difficult to get a comfortable 
living, dine free at your Lordship's table. There is some talk, now, 
though, of your Lordship abolishing this charitable ordinary, and 



[August 22, 1863, 

charging so much a plate, and if you think it, will not be repugnant, to 
clerical digestions, I see no reason why some demand should not be 
made on tliose who are anxious to put their legs beneath your Lord- 
ship's mahogany. 

" My learned friend Counsellor Foxey informs me, and I don't think 
he would impose upon my ignorance, that you have two kinds of Par- 
liament — White Parliament, which is very nice and adapted to aristo- 
cratic tastes, and Qommon Brown Parliament, which is sometimes 
composed of very raw ingredients. Brown Parliament, free from 
adulteration, is exceedingly rare, and its natural impurities are said 
to be greatly aggravated by some parties using too much sugar. Par- 
liament, however, in any form, seldom does much harm to the consti- 
tution ; when positively injurious, to neutralise its noxious properties, 
it should be dissolved. 

" Whatever may be thought of your nobles' exclusiveness, all must 
admire their exemplary industry. Their House, I am assured by 
visitors, is a model workshop of tailoring. Eater it when you may, and 
you will see young Lords cutting out, while certain venerable Barons 
(to whom I can appeal for evidence of my assertion) are busily engaged 
iu mending old suits. Marquises are so fond of bo.auy that they carry 
strawberry-leaves on their heads, while a popular horticultural Duke, 
who takes his title from Beds (raspberry beds most probably) is 
dependent to some extent upon his business as a market gardener. 

"In reference to Court etiquette, I 6nd that your practice and ours 
exactly coiucide. With us, as with you, Ladies only of great powers of 
resistance are presented at our regal Drawing-rooms. Oar Court 
heauties are very rarely crushed to death. Yours perhaps are not so 
fortunate. No lady with us is presentable until she has been examined 
on the correlation of forces, and satisfied the chamberlain that she 
knows as much about the vis inertia as a Civil Engineer. 

" Speaking of Ladies reminds me I hat a process is silently and stealthily 
going on, by which in course of time all the landed property within 
your jurisdiction will belong exclusively to the soft, sex. Already they 
can boast of a numerical balance iu their favour of half-a-million, and 
sooner or later, by means of that wonderful invention Crinoline, there 
will he no standing-room on your enchanted Isle for the nominal Lords 
of the Creation, who will be proudly swept into the sea. Then Woman 
smiling wilt reign in her glory alone over the territory which, to all 
appearance, it has long been her ambition entirely to encompass and 

Here we must take leave of our intelligent Kaffir. Tn parting with 
that enlightened commentator we can only regret (and some of our 
Metropolitan Constituencies may share our sorrow) that one whose 
name stauds out iu such bold relief among Modern Politicians is not 
legally qualified to write M. P. after it. 


E notice every day that the 
shadows are lengthening, and 
the substances are all going 
out of town. Too, too solid 
cockney flesh cannot bear the 
present tropical season much 
longer. The Organmen, we 
devoutly believe, are beginning 
to emigrate t,o Ramsgate, 
Margate, and other favoured 
watering-places for change of 
air. The poor Italian with 
the " nobby head of hair," who 
plays, sings, aud whistles Di 
Pescatore, will go play to the 
Fish of the Sea, or, if he be 
an angler, may play the Fish 
themselves. This mention of 
fish reminds us that a beautiful 
Catch will shortly appear ; 
the subject is the River fisher- 
man's address to his Bait, and 
the words are a di-vclopement 
of Shakespeare's beautiful 
soliloquy, " Sleep, Gentle, 
Sleep ! " 

Our immensely popular 
Pjunce of Wales is already 
beginning to show the good 
effects of a thoroughly sound 
Classical Education.His Royal 
jg Highness, we are informed on 
the best possible authority, 
made an excellent Latin jest 
the other day, which we are in 
a position to make public. The 
Prince had just quitted the 
Princess Alexandra, and 
was on the point of stepping 
into his carriage in order to 
pay a visit to his Royal Mother, when General Knollys ventured to inquire 
whether His Royal Highness was about to return to the Princess. "No, 
General Knoli,ys, I am not," was the gracious repiy, and then, as if struck by a 
sudden idea, H. R. H. added. " And yet, at the same time I am." The distinguished 
Hero being' somewhat puzzled by the paradox, begged the Prince to explain. 
"Why," returned H. R. H. with the, utmost condescension, "I've just left the 
Princess, and now I'm going to Rc-jine her." The Prince disappeared in a Cloud 
of Dust, and the General retired to borrow a Latin dictionary, in which after some 
labour, he discovered the word Rrgina. He immediately borrowed auoiher dictionary 
(English), and wrote a pleasant, letter to the Rev. Charles Kingsley. 

A Continental correspondent informs us, that among the numerous Parisian 
improvements is a "New Prison which will have the form of a Trapeze." We 
have not yet heard whether the Governorship, is to be offered to M. Leotaud; 
but it is whispered that if the next gaol is built, in the shape of a Tight R pi', 
the control will be placed in M. Blondin's hands, on account of his great feat 

Insensibly are we drawn towards our next little piece of information. The 
Worshipful' Company of Hope makers a few nights since, held their Annual Dinner, 
and, considering the quantity they eat, it is a matter of wonder how they did 

manage to hold it; after the Banquet, whicli we need 
hardly say was very well served by all parties concerned, 
the usual tcasts were proposed and, when more than the 
usual number of bottles had been consumed, the Chair- 
man proposed that their Title should be changed to the 
" Tight-Uopemak'-rs' Company." No one being in a state 
to object to anything, the Chairman, in spite of his reso- 
lution, was carried away nem con. by the waiters. 

" Conviviality breeds contempt" is an ancient and truth- 
ful proverb, though we don't, thiuk somehow or another 
that we have got it quite right. But no matter, our meaning 
is all the same, and the moral from the above anecdote is 

Civilisation, we are glad to say, is making its inroads upon 
the Chinese. A Limited Liability Company are already 
projecting Hotels in the piincipal thoroughfares, and the 
new Broad Way from Pekin to Shanghai will be one of i 
the fiuest Inn-roads that civilisation has yet made. 

The poet Close has lately been suffering from cold, and 
having taken medical advice, sits nightly with his very poor 
poetical feet in hot water. He has been visited by Mr. 
Martin Tupper, who, inspired by the occasion, burst forth 
into the following impassioned rhapsody :— 

" Poet Close,! 
Tallow your nose." 

These words will probably be set to music. We shall 
have a word to say on the Poet's behalf next week. 

The Chancery Ear and Common Law Bar are now taking 
their vacations, but Temple Bar, having no luxury of this 
sort, will not leave town. The ceremony of washing this 
venerable structure will soon take place : previous to this 
function, it will appear in all its ancient grandeur and dirty 

Talking of grandeur, the Fireman's Brigade will have a 
festival and parade London with a great deal of soft water 
pomp. Bands will perform One tumper at parting, after 
which the Crystal Palace Fountains will play several selec- 
tions from the most popular Water Works of modern 
composers ; Lurline, for instance. 

Turkish Justice. 

The language of the Stock Exchange is sometinu-; 
puzzliug to those who are not conversant with it; but the 
following statement, in the City News of the Post relative ! 
to the Constantinople Money Market, looks at any rate 
like plain English •. — 

" Coupled with reported Ministerial resignations a fall in Con- [ 
solldgs, hastened by some forced executions, took place.'' 

Forced executions ! What, ! has the Sultan sent a troop 
of soldiers to the Bourse and caused some of the prin- 
cipal Stock-jobbers to be summarily hanged? 


A t'KW evenings ago a man came into our office with 
a very tame joke Yhat he had taken in the street. We saw 
it ourselves aud can vouch for the fact. 

August 22, 1863.] 




otice. — Since the first pub- 
lication of this useful work, 
we have received numerous 
applications from Pedes- 
trians, asking for any little 
hints and advice to go upon 
when travelling. We there- 
fore obligingly inform — 

Pedestrians that they 
should not go upon our 
hints, but follow our advice, 
and go upon their own 

Another Correspondent 
writes to say that he hopes 
we won't talk any more 
about " skeleton " tours, as 
lie's very nervous and has 
been in bed ever since he 
read our first, paper, lie 
adds that he's making all 
day and night. Is he ? If 
he shakes well enough, Mil. 
Gye will give him au en- 
gygement, next season. 

In answer to "Thought- 
ful Tommy," we reply 
that the first projector of 
Skeleton Tours was the 
Origin* 1 Bones. 
Before proceeding any further, we must advise the reader as to more 
abbreviations aud certain signs to be used in this work, which are ren- 
dered necessary in order to save repetition, and to increase the already 
generally acknowledged usefulness of the only really successful com- 
petition with Mukbay and Black. Therefore let it be remem- 
bered, thatyoirmusn't be frightened when you see a Dark Line 
thus, II1IIBII \W ; for it doesn't mean any thing like what it does in a 
transpontine playbill, where you read- 

Now let us see where are we, Boulogne or Amsterdam ? Wherever 
youhke, my little dear, so we'll make a few more general observations. 

Ihere are a certain number of objects of interest in every Foreign 
town. The first being — 

Tne Banker's or Change-the-inoney Office, where you'll cash a cir- 
cular note in order to square matters. The generic name for the clerk 
at these places is Billy de Bank ; so be careful lo address him by his 
Christian, which, in this case, is his proper name. If you want to get 
lull change, don't go to the nearest banker; the nearest is invariably 
t he dearest. The Clerk (Billy) will ask you " How will you have it ? " 
Don't, be bullied, square up aud sav, "Now, where '11 yon have it?" 
Billy will subside, and probably alter his question to " What 'II you 
taker" When immediately choose the light wine of the country. 
Their light wine is better than their light money. If Billy further 
inquire, Bans quelle sorte de monnaie dhireriez vous recevoir la somme ? 
which means, " What '11 you take it in ? " say "A glass, of course, and 
a good large one too," whereupon you'll receive your draught in due 

The next, and when you are expecting a remittance, or to hear from 
Her (ahem !) \\w first object of interest is in every town— 

The Post Office— Doors RH LH. Window in flat; and if you 
happen to look out, flat in window. If you've any brains now's the 
time to get a head ; you 're certain to require one. If you don't know 
Low to ask lor it in the language of the country or of the town, adopt 
I sjstem of expressive pantomime, thus: — Take an envelope, wet a 
corner, put your own head on it, and stamp your foot ; you will get what 
you want, unless you are at once taken to a Muison de sante, where 
you 'II get a great deal more than you want. 

We shall continue this inieresting subject in our next paper. 




Which he does with a lot of red and blue fire that makes you sneeze for 
at least live minutes after his disappearance. .If you ask what the line 
means when it occurs in our type, suffice it to say that we don't, mean 
any harm, but we're not going to answer any impertinent questions. 

Y aud N will mean yes and no; that is to say, if you like, but we 
don't insist upon it. 

In all ground plans of towns, cities, and public buildings, B II will 
mean right hand, U standing for right, and H lor hand, and H.R.H. 
means the Prince of Wales, who knows all about travelling by this 
time : L H means left hand : L H means over the left, and in every 
instance the reader is supposed to be on the stage or diligence, as the 
case may be, facing the audience. In paying a bill, where the It and 
L bauds ace used, the reader of the little account will merely have to 
face the landloi d. 

Once more, if X occurs suddenly in the middle of a sentence, you 
will be as much astoni-bed as we shall. 

Now for our second Skeleton Route. This series provides you wiih 
a skeleton key to the Continent, so look out for the Police. Now 
Away ! Away ! 


Boulogne, of course. 

Strasbourg, stopping to see Patty. 

Le Mans, where the celebrated City biscuits are made. L H. 

Lyons, stop to see the Lady. 

Montargis, one day to see the Performing Dog. 

Up the Khine to the Tyrol. 

Bacharach, Balance z, Hands across and back to your'places. 

Now then, adopting this scheme, let us say you land at Amsterdam. 

The Language — On disembarking at any Foreign quay you will first 
ol all be struck by the language, which is, generally; Pad. Do not 
therefore attempt to learn it. And at. this point it will be as well to 
draw your attention (what a subject for au artist by the way !) to 

Foreign Tongues— There 's the Russian tongue, the R[g j-indeer's 
tongue, the Oxtongue, and so forth. But this is not exactly what 
you want, is it? No. Very good : then as a beginning let us remaik 
that je suis means " I ham," which is the French tongue, and that's 
as much as you can swallow for the present. 

Nice Piece o' Biled Mutton, Sir ? " 

According to the Paris correspondent of the Times .— 

" Advices from Toulon mention the arrival there of the Papal corvette, the Im- 
maculate Conception, to go into dock for repairs, which the French Government has 
offered to have gratuitously executed for His Holiness." 

The Immaculate Conception thus appears to be, on the one hand an 
article of faith which the Pope has added to the Roman Catholic 
Religion, and, on the other, an addition to the Papal navy. A very 
nice correspondence. The Immaculate Conception is a dogma and also 
a corvette. The corvette wants mending ; and the dogma may be con- 
sidered to require amendment too ; but, whilst a corvetie is manageable 
under steam or canvas, a dogma is too stubborn to go into dock. 
Certain it, is that the former will at least hold water, whereas the latter 
won't. We wonder what does the Pope want a coivette for ? Perhaps, 
as a man-of-war, to convoy the Bin k of Peter. 

So We are Toll'd. 

It is not generally known that to every Turnp : ke there is a staff of 
Pike-keepers. They V. re all ugly men, and hence the well-known simile, 
"As plain as a Pike S'.j.fl'." 

I 7 



We want to know Why a Couple of Conceited Fanatics should be allowed to disturb the Repose of a Sunday Afternoon by 

the Sea-Side ? 


{Quite as interesting intelligence as much which has been lately announced 
in the Court Circular. 

Mr. Youston Square and family have left town for the autumn, 
which they will spend at various places, including Bangor, Baden-Baden, 
Lowestoft and the Lakes. 

Captain Blacklegge has left town for Homburg, whence he will 
travel to the other continental baths (and gambling tables) in order to 
recruit the shattered state of his nuances. 

Mit. and Mrs. Smith last Monday went to Brighton, for the purpose 
of enjoying eight hours at the sea-side. 

Mr. Montmorency Muggins, with his wife and seven children, are 
on a visit to his uncle, Mr. Bluggins, of Soulhend. 

The Misses Wikleygigg left home one afternoon last week to bowl 
their hoops for half-an-hour in the Square. 

Mr. Skynflynt, having promised to take his wife to the sea-side, 
has doDe so, as he says, by taking lodgings at Gravesend. 

The Dishonourable Mr. Flyther has left his London residence for 
his Chateau en Espagne, for the purpose of enjoying there the money 
he has made by his late skilful act of bankruptcy. 

Mr. Tootsicums and wife have left town to spend a portion of their 
honeymoon at Highgafe. 

Mu. and Mrs. Snobbe have left town, that is, their front parlour, 
with the view of spending a few weeks in their back one, and so 
appearing to their neighbours to have gone to the sea-side. 

The Masters Roley Poley lelt their family mansion last Friday 
after breakfast to have a game of rounders at the corner of their court. 

Upwards of five thousand street-musicians of all kinds, grinders, 
growlers, thumpers, tootlers, squeakers, shriekers, howlers, squallers, 
black-faced banjoers and bawlers, have left town to plague the visitors 
at what are called our "quiet" watering-places, which, till stopped by 
Act of Parliament, they will every autumn do. 

Mrs. Bibs's Baby, attended by its nurse, left its London residence 

every day last week to lake perambulator exercise in the Regent's 

Mr. and Mrs. Hawk and family have left town on a visit to their 
country friends the Sparrows, upon whom they intend living as long 
as.they are able. 

Mr. Cracksman has left town for ten years' penal servitude, which 
by his good conduct and attentions to the chaplain he hopes to get 
commuted to a couple of years at most. 

Mr, Guttler has left town for a course of German baths, which he 
trusts will renovate his powers of digestion. 

Mrs. Ancles with her daughters left town on Thursday last, to join 
a croquet party at her friend Mrs. Higheel's. 

Mr. Sharper Skittles left town suddenly last week. It is believed 
that his departure was in order to prevent a threatened interview with 
one of the police. 

Messieurs Brown and Green are off to Margate for a week. They 
will probably be joined by Messieurs Jones and Robinson. 

Mr. Tweedles yesterday left his London residence, and took a walk 
in the Green Park. 

The Misses Scamper left for Hampstead yesterday, attended by their 
nurse, and took equestrian exercise (on donkeys) on the heath. 

Mr. Huntatuft has left town for the Isle of Wight, where he hopes 
to get in company with his "friend" (as he persists in calling him) 
Lord Yachtsborough. 

Mr. Scribbleton has quitted his town residence in Grub Street for 
the purpose of picking up small paragraphs about the Weather and the 

Mr. Swizzler has left town to try the cold-water cure, having had 
another warning of the gout. 

Master Bobbles last week started for Hyde Park, to fish for newts 
and tittlebats and other small fry in the Serpentine. 

Mr. Wiggins yesterday visited his wig-maker for a change of hair. 

Great Provocation.— A joke must indeed be a bad one that can 
provoke such a good humoured thing as a smile. 

August 22, 1863.] 




The New York Herald gives 
Mr. President Lincoln a 
piece of advice which may be 
serious, but appears intended 
for a joke. It exhorts him " to 
enlist the sympathy of all men, 
North and South, by declaring 
an intention to drive the English 
from Canada and the French 
from Mexico." Of course it 
means to insinuate that Mr. 
Lincoln is capable of believing 
that the only effect of such a 
declaration on France and Eng- 
land would be that of inducing 
them to wait until the sympathy 
of all men in both the Federal 
and Confederate States had been 
enlisted under the banner of the 
Monroe doctrine. To impute to 
Ma. Lincoln the capability of 
supposing that the consequence 
of threatening to drive France 
and England out of Canada and 
Mexico would be that they 
would stay to be driven, instead 
of instantly recognising the 
South, making common cause 
with it, and breaking the block- 
ade, is a neat way of calling 
him a fool. The suggestion 
that the sympathies of the North 
and South should be enlisted by 
an expedient which would ma- 
nifestly enlist France and Eng- 
land on the Southern side, is 
just a humorous way of putting 
the fact that the United States 
Government have got to an end 
of Enlistment, and are there- 
fore obliged to have recourse to 


"Mr. Punch, 

" Walking some distance in the last shower of 
rain, I got wet in the legs. When the rain descends 
perpendicularly, and I am out in it, my legs, thanks to my 
size round at .the waist, remain quite dry. Bat when the 
wind blows it aslant, my lower extremities catch it. They 
did so the other day, even in spite of the macintosh I 
wore, which protected me only down to the knees. My 
calves consequently got wet. I mention these circumstances 
to you, because I hope they may stimulate some one of your 
ingenious readers to make a fortune by inventing a 
Waterproof Crinoline for gentlemen, which, when ex- 
panded, shall answer all the purposes of an umbrella. 

" Fireproof Crinolines might easily be made ; sbut there is 
no demand for them, owing to the geueral thoughtless- 
ness and folly of those who might wear \ them. If, how- 
ever, waterproof Crinolines were to be had, there would 
be a great sale for them amongst persons of the rational 
'sex, such as your constant reader, 

Martlemass Place, Aug., 1803." " Rotundus." 

Snug Berth. 

Now then, here 's a chance for somebody : — 

WANTED, a SLEEPING PARTNER, or Otherwise, who 
can advance £400 or £500, to join in an old-ostablished Pickle 

md Italian Warehouse. Address, 4c. 

Delightful idea this ! especially for hot weather. Sleeping 
in a pickle warehouse. Delicious notion'! 1 By the way, in 
J uly, a Chili pickle shop sounds very IJmuch like an ice- 
house to sleep in. Sleeping partners, we imagine, in spite 
of the comfortable dreamy kind of name, must at all times 
be very wide awake. 


The Members of several St. James's Street Clubs who 
are unable to go out of Town and enjoy the summer 
sports of the Field, will find their reading-rooms admirably 
adapted for archery. From what place could arrows be 
better discharged than a bow-window ? 


The soldiers who fight our battles on terms which anybody who 
values his life and limbs must consider to be ridiculously low, are apt 
occasionally to lose the latter as well as the former. In the event of 
losing his life, a soldier is all right ; he is provided for with a shovel : 
but if he has the worse luck to lose his limbs, then a grateful but econo- 
mical country leaves him to get his living how he can ; that is, with 
more or less difficulty according to the degree of mutilation which he 
has sustained. 

These considerations induced some benevolent persons, shortly after 
the end of the Crimean War, to establish a body of errand-men, whom 
they called " Commissionnaires," consisting of meritorious soldiers, dis- 
abled from following any other employment than that of carrying 
messages, and having, beyond that, no resource but the choice between 
mendicity and pauperism. 

The founder of this Society of maimed but industrious heroes has 
addressed, through the Times, a Caution to the Public against certain 
untrustworthy rascals, drunken vagabonds, and dishonest blackguards, 
who counterfeit the genuine Commissionnaires ; having " assumed a 
uniform so like the real one as to deceive casual observers." He remarks 
that " at present there is nothing to prevent the greatest thief in 
London assuming the dress of a Commissionnaire, and plundering the 
public." There is nothing, reader, to prevent you, if you look no deeper 
than the surface of a Commissionnaire, from intrusting a parcel to a'scamp 
who will open it as soon as he has turned a corner, and appropriate its 
contents if of any value to anybody but their rightful owner. 

Note, therefore, that, as the hood does not always make the monk, 
so neither does the uniform constitute theCommissionnaire ; and attend to 
the subjoined notification from the Founder and Commanding Officer of 
the Commissionnaires, hailing, under the initials E. W., from the Barracks 
of the Corps, Exchange Court, 419 a, Strand, W. C. 

" The men belonging to the corps have the word ' Commissionnaire ' on their caps, 
a new collar badge in bronze, with the number of each man, a belt and pouch, and 
a ticket-book ' signed by Charles Handford,' for the purpose of establishing their 
l identity and giving the tariff." 

i The "ticket-book," designed to establish the identity of the bearer, 
I should be a check-book, which would enable him to give his employer 

an acknowledgment of the message that he had received. This, pro- 
duced, in a case of doubt, at head-quarters, would assure the holder 
that he had engaged the right man. In palming 'off 'a fictitious 
ticket, a sham Commissionnaire would surely be punishable for obtaining 
money under false pretences ; if not, let an Act be passed early next 
Session awarding to any scoundrel convicted of that imposture a larger 
measure of imprisonment and hard labour than the utmost that can be 
inflicted on a common rogue and vagabond. 


A Cycle of wet seasons has past, the learned say ; 

The cycle to the sickle, I thinks, is givun way. 

We're 'customed arter dinner to drinkin' "Speed the Plough," 

We've had some smartish labour to speed the rip-hook now. 

On finer whate and barley I never yet zet eye ; 

The wutz is as abundant ; zo likewise is the rye. 

As touehun of the turmuts there's nothun to complain, 

No doubt but in due sazon what we shall have some rain. 

I 'm happy to inform you the 'taters be all right ; 
At laste I han't heer'd nothun about the Hater blight. 
There wun't be much occasion for scarcity to grieve, 
Except the Cotton Famine, and that we must relieve. 

Consider'n of the sheaves I zee piled over many a plain, 
Thinks I, there 's fields heaped up too wi' wounded and wi' slain ; 
How happy in old England it is in peace to be, 
Instead of Poland yonder, or that ere Amerikey ! 

Afore the QnEEN departed in Germany to bide, 

1 =pose as she left word to set a day o' thanks aside ; 

Well 'tis the finest harvest I've zeen for many a year; 

So now then, neighbours, light your pipes, and push about the beer. 

Not to be Trusted on Oath— Any American news which is headed 



[August 22, 1863. 


Country Parson. " Robins, I'm sorry I don't see you at Church more regularly." 
Conscientious Butcher. " Well, Sir, I knows as I did ought to come to Church 
oftener than I does — the lots o' meat you has o' me." 


" Mr. Punch, 

" Let me beg you to direct persons who send 
Money Orders, and Postmasters who take them, to attend 
to orthography and pronunciation. 

" I lately received a Post-Office Order, wherein I was 
misnamed a man of three letters. Suppose, for instance, 
my name to have been spelt Fub, whereas it is Furgh. 
I dared not sign it with the wrong signature, and the right 
would not do. The mistake had to await rectification, 
and 1 my money. 

" In tliis case, the Post-Ofiice may not have been to 
blame. The person who sent me the order could not spell. 
But 1 suppose that my name was taken from his mouth, 
and booked phonetically without question. 

" A few weeks before, I had to wait about a quarter-of- 
an-hour in a Post-Office whilst the head clerk there was 
engaged in hunting up a blunder in regard to a Money 
Order, which turned out to hinge upon an omitted aspirate. 
In this case the name, correctly written, had been handed 
in, and had got corrupted in its passage out of the mouth, 
or through the pen, of some snob in the office. 

" I should be sorry to see any Government situations 
engrossed by the aristocracy, and yet there might be expe- 
diency in giving Post-Office Clerkships to a class of men 
who, being particular about their own names, might be 
expected to be exact in spelling those of others. A better 
plan would perhaps be to constitute those berths the prizes 
of success in a competitive examination on orthography. I 
will here adopt the signature of 

" Walker." 

News from Vine Street. 

Good strong Porter will soon become the daily bever- 
age of the Rhinelanders. We have heard of more than one 
flourishing Vineyard Proprietor, who had hitherto given 
all his attention to growing Wine, now drawing everybody 
else's attention to the fact of his growing Stout. 


Why was the time of Queen Elizabeth a rude, bois- 
terous age ? 
Because one met with nothing but Ruffs. 


My Dear Mrs. Jones, 

Let me call your attention to the following advertisement, 
which appeared in a penny paper not long since : — 

MATRIMONY.— A Lady earnestly desires that a very dear young, 
handsome, amiable, and elegant relative, of undeniable position, may contract 
an alliance with a lady of mature age, and having received carte blanclit, after con- 
vincing him domestic happiness is seldom attainable with a youthful or frivolous 
wife, she will be happy to receive propositions from and to introduce into her family 
circle an eligible lady, or to neeociate with trustees, solicitors, medical practitioners, 
or others, able to assist her. This is ^uite genuine, and idle curiosity will be dis- 
agreeably frustrated. 

"Young, handsome, amiable, and 'elegant ! " Here is a chance, my 
dear Madam, for some of our fair friends. What " lady of mature 
age" but would positively jump (were it but thought genteel to do so) 
at the prospect of contracting so delightful an alliance ! Just consider 
for one moment the weight of the four adjectives— young ! handsome ! ! 
rmiable ! ! ! and elegant ! ! ! ! What a delightful " relative " must this 
be to possess ! And besides his youth and elegance, good looks and 
amiability, there is the further charm of his excellent good sense; 
shown clearly by his preference of a wife advanced in years, and there- 
fore fit to be his helpmate, to the frivolous companionship of a young 
and giddy girl. 

But, my dear Mrs. Jones, before we recommend our friends Miss 

and Miss to answer this advertisement, we may advise them to reflect 

that though the offer is "quite genuine," curiosity about it may not 
be quite so " idle " as it is alleged. It is as rare for ladies to adver- 
tise for wives as it is for gentlemen to let another person be more active 
than themselves in effecting their "alliance," for such it is the fashion 
now for marriage to be termed. One fears then there is something 
rai her fishy in this notice (if you are puzzled by this adjective, your 
girls will tell you what it means) ; and the allusion to the " medical 
practitioners " 1 rather think encourages one's faith in this idea. The 
"position" of the gentleman may be "undeniable," but, as not a 
word is said about his state of mind or body, it may be that his relative 

is tired of the'care of him, and is desirous to entrust him to the hands 
of some mature-aged person, who though asked to be his wife will find 
herself in real truth his keeper or his nurse. 

People who stand trembling upon the brink of matrimony would do 
well to look before they leap into the gulf, and by those who may be 
tempted into marriage by advertisement ought this rule especially, 1 
think, to be observed. Maturity of age is not attended always by 
maturity of wisdom, and ladies who are gifted with a big bump ot 
Affection have generally speaking a small one of Cautiousness, at any 
rate so far as husbands are concerned. It is for this cause I have 
written a few timely words of warning ; for I am always, my dear 
Madam, your and your delightful sex's very faithful and devoted slave 
and safeguard, tfWBiNQLJfy. 


What has the reduction of the tobacco duty done for the smoker ? 
Where is the man who has experienced any diminution in the price, or 
improvement, in the quality of cigars ? These questions are designed 
to suggest a subscription for the purpose of offering a Prize Medal to 
be competed for bv Tobacconists, and awarded to the candidate who, of 
all the competitors, shall best establish his claim to be regarded as the 
producer of a good and cheap Cigar. The thing at present is not to be 
had. Yet a fortune might be made by any Tobacconist who would 
supply it ; and besides he might win the Prize Medal by a safe specula- 
tion, which would pay whilst ending in smoke. 

La Danse. 

Amongst other fashionable announcements we read that :— 
" Count M. G. de Wezele has left Eaton Square for Norfolk-" 

Pop goes de Wezele j 

Definition.— A Spare Rib. A Thin Wife. 

August 22, 1863.] 




(To be Sung at Music Halh.) 

ome, listen to a tale 

of woe, 
'Twill set; your eyes 

a running-, 
Faust, set to music 

by Gounod, 
An Opera 1 call 


As in course any 
uproar must be, you 
know. Eli? But to 
proceed :— 

Plain Jtaust most 
folks this story 

Though some have 
thought it meeter, 

More fully to des- 
cribe the same 

As laust and Mar- 

Or Marguerite. 
That 's French, you 
know; the other's 
Ii alian ; Margaret in 
plain English. Faust 
is Dr. Faustus, but 
different from the play by Marlow, a good deal more than L am from 
Billy Barlow, because in that ere car-racter I ave sometimes sung 
" Raggedy oh ! " But, however : — 

Great Faust, a scollard and a sage, 

The wonder of his College, 
In learning did his mind engage, 

He was so fond of knowledge. 
But he grew old, as who does not 

Whose life 's of long duration ? 
And found be little good had got 

By all his information. 

And then e was infirm too, and obbled like this ere. (Limps.) 

So in his study, where he sat, 

Among his books and bottles, 
Agripfa's works a workin at, 

And studyin Habistotle's, 
He was about his mind to ease 

By means of deadly pison, 
When straightway Mephistopheles 

A flash of fire did rise on. 

Sifch a Guy ! Ancient Nicholas without orns and tail. A very near 
relation of the Old Gentleman's, if not the Old Gentleman his self. 
Dressed in red and black like a Swell of the period, with a cock's tail 
feather in is at. An ernn-stumrn'cked cove, with an ook nose and oiler 
cheeks— just so. (Makes faces.) A regular rum 'un. 

A vision of fair Marguerite 

He did to Faust discover, 
Who instantly on her got sweet, 

And, for to be her lover ! 
Did, for a dose of physic sell 

His precious soul to Bogey 
And stood transformed to a young Swell ! 

Just now a poor old Fogey. 

So now, says Mephistopheles to Faust, " Come, Guv'nor, now let 's set 
out on our travels." .. 

Thpn Mephistopheles through the air 

Did Faust directly carry, 
And took im to a German Fair ! 

Where Meph. he played Old Abry. 
Whilst tipsy students stood around, 

He tapped a barrel handy: 
The wine, when spilt upon the ground, 

Flared up and burnt like brandy. 

And weren 't they frightened ray ther ! And warn't there a jolly row ! 

Now Marguerite the market crossed, 
B-etuimd from her devotions, 

H°r sight inflamed the art of Fast 

With hammerous emotions. 
He stopped and spoke to her, the maid 

A Lady fair invoking : 
"I ain't a Lady, Sir," she said, 

" Nor fair ; and you are joking." 

With that remark she cut her stick, 

But Faust he would pursue her, 
And Mephistopheles, the trick 

To win her, taught her wooer. 
He set, a casket in her way, 

Of jewels, and they caught her: 
Trust pearls and diamonds to betray 

The art of Heve's true daughter. 

Now Faust, a wailin in the street, 

Diskivered by her brother, 
Slew im, and got poor Marguerite 

To ocus er old mother. 
Likewise accused of babbycide, 

Done whilst she was distracted, 
In quod they put her, to be tried 

For what she ad transacted. 

Then Faust, with Mephistopheles 

To help him liberate her, 
Unlocked her prison, without keys, 

Ere you could peel a tater. 
But she 'd gone crazy, so that they 

To stir her were unable, 
More than to get an oss away 

Out of a burnin stable. 

Faust begged and prayed, said all he could j 

Poor thing ! she quite mistook it ; 
All his entreaties were no good, 

He couldn't mak*i her hook it. 
On her straw couch she tumbled dead ! 

Where all good niggers go, Sirs, 
I calculate her spirit fled : 

And is'n went below, Sirs. 

And now to conclude, T ope you don't suppose I'm so insensible of 
the importance of my mission as to forget to remind you that the 
affectiu little istory which I've ad the onour of relatin to yer, as a 
purpose and a 

Now you old gents, don't dye yer air, 

To go a lady-killin, 
And all young females you beware 

Of every smoot h-faced villain. 
And young and old, whate'er you do, 

Be proof agin temptation ; 
Give ook-nosed fiends your I.O.U. 
On no consideration. 


August is known to be the month of meteors— and here is one of 
them : — 

" To the Editor of the Tim's. 
"Sir, — The 'large meteor' seen by Mr. Crumples on Monday evening at 827, 
three times as brilliant as Venus, and moving from west to east, was a fire balloon 
sent up shortly after eight o'clock, from the Eton and Middlesex Cricket ground. 
Primrose HiU, as a finale to some athletic sports which had taken place during the 

" I am, Sir, your obedient Servant, 
" St. John's Wood, Avg. 12." " B. C. C." 

Too much caution cannot, be exercised, just at present, in letting off 
sky-rockets, which, besides being more than likely enough to tumble 
through skylights, are contrived to burst, and emit clusters of stars and 
trains of fire, necessarily apt to be mistaken by observers of nature for 
the meteoric phenomena which occur at this time of the year. When 
we consider the facility of imitating these appearances, in connection 
with the illusory propensities of school-boys, we leel compelled, in the 
interests of Science, to rejoice that the holidays are over. 

To Let. 

A Poor invalid gentleman, very much reduced, lately read in a 
medical paper something about " letting blood." The unhappy weakly 
creature writes to us to know if we can inform him " who lets it," and 
whether he can on moderate terms hire some lor a few years. We refer 
him to the Lancet. 



[August 22, 1863. 


Georgina. "Do you know, Dear, I'm so unhappy now dear Charles has 
gone to Town ! " 

Gertrude. "And I miss dear Percy dreadfully— I do hope they'll get 
Home safely!" 

[We wonder what dear Charles and dear Percy would say, if they saw you eating 
Turtle at Mutton's, you little humbugs .' 


Indelicate and obtrusive loyalty is only less disgusting 
than disloyalty which is coarse and brutal. People, whose 
interest in their Sovereign is not restrained by their 
manners so as to withhold them from staring the Queen 
out of countenance, ought to be compelled to keep them- 
selves at a respectful distance from her. farther than 
that, however, from the sight of Her Majesty there 
caa be no necessity for keeping any of Her Majesty's 
subjects. The following order, promulgated on the 
Queen's embarkation from Woolwich, contains a clause 
which certainly does seem calculated to enforce a remote- 
ness from the Royal person extending somewhat beyond 
the bounds of reason : — 

" The route to be taken ■ to-day by Her Majesty through the Ar- 
senal, as well as the wharf, is to be kept clear from 4 p.m. until the 
steamer leaves the arsenal. Any person attempting to loiter on the 
route, or on the wharf, or piers, or any one seen at the windows, is 
to be immediately removed from the arsenal. No visitors are to be 
admitted within the gates. 

"(Signed) E. M. Boxes, Lieutenant-Colonel." 

To prohibit any one from appearing at a window happen- 
ing to command a possible view of the Queen, was surely 
to do what no authority would have done with any con- 
siderate eye to the adage which declares that a cat may look 
at a king. As if Her Majesty had been Lady Godiva 
going through Coventry ! Is Colonel Boxer so super- 
stitious as to believe in the "evil eye," and does he suppose 
it to strike at so long a range as from the other side of a 
window ? Perhaps, however, ithe foregoing order was not 
dictated by Boxer, but by some superior officer, though 
it is wortby only of an inferior official, namely, a Beadle, 
actuated by excessive and servile exchsiveness, and swollen 
with the niggardly imperiousness of a consequential flunkey 
and Jack-in-Office. No ; surely it was not Boxer's doing, 
but that of some Cerberus, or otber cur. We rejoice in 
being able to add, in words borrowed from a popular ballad, 
that " Ven as Her Majesty corned for to hear on't she 
werry much disapproved of what the contemptible creature ' 
bad done." 1 



A Celebrated Bird-tamer, having succeeded in making 
a Canary (who was by the way bred up witb a perch in his 
cage) clean his master's boots, and even when he was dis- 
mally moulting, sing molto vivace, has dismissed his footmen 
and taugbt his fowls to supply their places. Two Fowls, 
called a Hem or Hen, as the case may be, have giv<?n up 
laying eggs, and are now of great service in laying cloths for 
dinner, luncheon, and other meals. 


How is it that here in England, the home of honest John Bull, we 
cannot venture to rely on trade-marks, so commonly are they falsified ? 
Because we want an institution like the Tribunal of Correctional Police 
at Rheims. This Court is calculated to have a really correctional 
effect on all rogues who get themselves within its jurisdiction. It is 
likely effectually to correct the practices which have rendered them 
amenable thereunto. Just lately, the Paris correspondent of the Times 
informs us, three humbugs, to wit, two wine merchants and a cooper, 
were convicted before that truly reformatory Tribunal of having forged 
the Clicquot brand on certain corks inserted in the necks of divers 
bottles of a species of Champagne, of which a quantity had been seized 
here in the Victoria Docks. Their fraudulent ingenuity was adjudged 
to undergo the following varieties of correction :— 

"The Rheims tribunal has sentenced the three offenders to pay £1,200 damages ; 
also to replace, by unmarked corks, those in the bottler now in the docks, to bear 

Which were very heavy — 

— " And finally to advertise the sentence in the Times, the Moniteur, the Gazette 
<lc* TriOunaux, and four other French papers. Moreover, for fraud under the penal 
code, two of the offenders are sentenced to fines and to eighteen months' imprisrm- 
ment, and the third to four months of prison ; and the wines bearing the false 
marks are ordered to be destroyed." 

The last particular of the foregoing sentence is the only one that 
seems capable of amendment. The knaves who would falsify a trade- 
mark would also fabricate a wine ; and these fellows would have been 
rightly served if, besides having been fined and imprisoned, and com- 
pelled to advertise their own infamy, they had, in addition, been con- 
demned to drink their own sham Champagne. But this punishment 

might be objected to as brutal, like that, which would have been equally 
appropriate, of treating the impostors as they treated the corks, and 
branding them with their own ialse brand. The correction, however, 
which they will have endured under the sentence of the Correctional 
Tribunal at Rheims, will no doubt suffice to teach them to counterfeit 
no more trade-marks, and may deter some other rogues from the like 
dishonesty. It is to be wished that there were in England a Tribunal 
as able and willing as that of Rheims to bring brand-forgers, and all 
other swindling imitators, to reason. 

Awful Situation! 

A Nautical Correspondent gives us a graphic account of his position 
in a recent storm ; he says, " The breeze was blowing galely at first, 
but soon became furious. The little craft, which required all our 
cunning to manage, had been well pitch'd before leaving shore, and was 
now well tossed about at sea. Few of us knew what to do. The head 
winds blew fearfully ; we sat speechless with terror, seeing wind and 
tide against us, for, alas ! we were tongue-tied in a head wind ! A 
terrible night ! " 


A Gentleman who lives in the country, but holds a badly-built 
house in town on a repairing lease, cannot of course continue for any 
length of time away from his Metropolitan residence, as he must be 
always repairing there. 

Police !— An offender having been brought up before the sitting 
Magistrate at Bow Street, applied a low epithet to his Worship. He 
was committed for a Term. 

Printed by William Bradbu 

, of No. 13, Upper Wobom Place, in the Parish St. Pancras, Id the County of Middlesex, and'. Frederick Mollett Evans, of No. 11, Bourerie Street,' in the Precinct o 
Ion, Printers, ai their (Jrice in I.o.nbsrd Strer'.in the.Precmct • of Whitefriars, City of LondoD and Published by them at No. 8i, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bnde, 

August 29, 1863/ 



" Good Match, old Fellow ? '' 
" Oh, yes ; awfully jolly ! " 
"What did you do?" 

" I 'ad a Hover op Jackson ; the first ball 'it me 
'ad me on the knee ; the third was in my eye ; 

ME OUT ! " 

ON the and, the second 

and the fourth bowled 

[Jolly Game. 


An Emperor of Mexico ! 
Jerusalem! Now here's a go. 
Oh, oli ! Napoleon's toe, 
Darned if he han't kicked down Monroe. 
An Emperor, &c. 

With mouths of fire, whilst, North and South. 
We stands a blazin, mouth to mouth, 
That Cuss out there, he bones the prey ; 
Takes Mexico right slick away. 
An Emperor, &c. 

Now what on airth we air to du 
In this here fix, I wisli I knew. 
'Cause why, we're dealing with a hand 
That won't no sort of nonsense stand. 
An Emperor, &c. 

Them French, as fights for an idee, 
Ain't got much scruples more than we 
Of plungin into all-fired strife ; 
Don't much more valley human life. 
An Emperor, &c. 

Bloodshed they no ways don't abhor; 
You han't to kick them into war. 
But shake your fist, that will suffice ; 
They won't let you insult 'em twice. 
An Emperor, &c. 

John Bull he 'II stand 'most any sarse ; 
You can't pervoke his dander, scarce : 
Old fool, so bent on actio right, 
Till you quite kick him he won't fight. 
An Emperor, &c. 

So then, as Mexico's gone goose, 
And wakin snakes it ain't no use, 
Agin old Bull let's vengeance vow, 
And take no action else jest now. 
An Emperor, &c. 

Friendly Conundrum. 

Why is a French Steam vessel on her passage from Calais 
to Dover a sign of the amicable relations of the Two Great 
Powers ? 

Because it shows the existence of a French-ship between 
France and England. 


The Acclimatisation Society have been at it again, 'and we find at 
a late banquet the bill of fare comprised such dainties a3 the 
following : — 

" White soup of the Channel Islands (made of conger eel), lucioperca, grenouilles 
or edible frogs, pepperpot, Chinese lamb, roasted whole, with pilaff and kuscoussos, 
yovlttt a V Emancipation ties negres, and ostrich eggs." 

This entertainment is described as " elegant and recherche" and as 
the latter epithet means properly " far fetched," it is certainly in this 
instance by no means ill-applied. We cannot say ourselves that we 
should have much appetite for frogs and conger eels, or should look on 
lucioperca ("whatever that may be) as an "elegant" refection. We 
never tasted kuscoussos, but judging by its name it must be something 
rather formidable ; and as for ostrich eggs, we doubt if, had we ever 
such an appetite, we could anyhow contrive to eat more than a couple 
of them. Pilaff may be very nice indeed to those who like it, but as 
we never tasted it, we can't say that we do ; and as for pepperpot, 
without inquiring what it is, we will wager we should much prefer a 
pot of porter. 

But we really ought to thank the men who eat these messes for their 
bravery in trying to discover a new dainty for us. Of course if conger 
soup were nice, the price of turtle might be lowered by it ; and if 
pepperpot and kuscoussos were edible and cheap, we should be saved 
from much expense in more extravagant made-dishes. We therefore 
highly praise and thank these pioneers of progress in the culinary art, 
and we really think their bravery in tasting unknown dishes ought to 
be rewarded by some ribbon of distinction, something in the fashion of 
a Cook's Victoria Cross. Were this new Order of Valour established 
to encourage them, other heroes might perhaps be tempted to compete 
for it ; and other societies might follow the laudable example of dining 

annually on dishes which but few people have heard of, and nobody 
quite likes. The Geological Society might, for instance, give an earth 
feast, and taste the various sorts of earth which the earth-eaters are fond 
of : while of course the Entomologists might have a feed of insects, 
whereat the menu might begin with snail soup and fried earwigs, then 
proceed, by way of entrees, with roast cockroach and grilled grasshoppers, 
and conclude with a boiled butterfly and some caterpillar cheese. 

So too the Geographical Society might direct their various travellers, 
while examining strange countries, to examine strange cuisines ; and, 
when they have been feasting at some foreign Star and Garter, to send 
home the recipes for the dishes which most pleased them. They might 
also be requested in certain special cases to forward home a sample of 
the dishes they most relished, as the condiments for making them might 
possibly in England not be easy to obtain. Pelican patties would for 
instance be difficult to get here, and so would tiger cutlets and alligator 
chops. Moreover there of course would be insuperable obstacles to our 
serving up a dinner here from cannibal recipes ; and our only chance of 
tasting missionary pie would be to have that dainty sent home ready- 
made for us. Only fancy what excitement there would be at Exeter 
Hall, were it announced that Sir 11. Murchison had received for his 
next banquet a large slice of baked bishop, which the King of the 
Cannibal Islands had sent him, packed in ice ! 

Black Bands and Bones. 

The New York Herald says that— 

" General Grant has some dozen skeleton regiments of coloured troops organ- 
ising at Vicksburg." 

This means, we suppose, that General Grant is organising so 
many regiments of coloured troops to become skeletons. 


[August 29, 1863. 


m=jgE hear that the Astronomer 
in Richmond Park,who kindly 
permits visitors to look at the 
moon for a penny, has disco- 
vered a star. He does not 
say that it is a new one, so we 
rather imagine that it is one 
of those that have twinkled 
in the heavens since, the time 
of the Great Dr. Watts, or 
perhaps even before that 

Talking of this reminds us 
that the North and South 
Poles have drawn up a protest 
on behalf of their oppressed 
brethren. It is to ba pre- 
sented to the Great Bear in 
the course of a few days. 

It is not generally known 
that the Sun-dial was invented 
by a gentleman of that name, 
after whom it was called. 

Tlie. Archimandrite Nilos 
has offered to fight the Bishop 
of London for twenty pound 
aside, catch weight. The story 
of this sporting challenge is 
of a somewhat romantic cha- 
racter, and in it figures the 
name of more than one Lady 
of quality ; in fact, there are 
so many that in the matter 
quantity and , quality are 

The Theatrical Shadows are 
few just now. 
Mr. Walter Montgo- 
mery has opened the' Princess's Theatre, and, by way of novelty, we. are to hear 
Shakspeare in English. 

A Correspondent from the Moors says that it 's very difficult to see the Scotch birds, 
on account of their national costume. On inquiry we find that he alludes to their 
being nearly all kilt. 


The other day Mr. John Davey, Landlord of the Sluice 
House Tavern, a Clarendon of the working classes, in the 
valley of the New River, between Highbury and Hornsey, 
was summoned before Mr. D'Eyncourt for entertaining 
guests during unlawful hours on Sunday. The information 
was 'laid by Policemen, who, disguised in plain clothes, had 
got illegal admission into the house. They were employed 
by whom ? 

_ Can it be under orders from Scotland Yard, and the sanc- 
tion of the Home Office, that the Police are commissioned 
to enforce Sabbatarian legislation by breaking the law them- 
selves, and, in that breach of the law, telling a lie, by 
representing themselves to be what they are not, honest 
men in need of refreshment ? 

We cannot, we will not, impute "the capability of such 
infamous treachery to Sir George Grey and Sir Richard 
Mayne. We conjecture that the Policemen are employed 
to do the work of spies on Sundays by Sabbatarian hypo- 
crites, who, as wolves that are accustomed to masquerade in 
sheep's clothing themselves for their own purposes, see 
nothing but sanctity in hiring constables to disguise them- 
selves in order to betray respectable innkeepers. But then, 
how can the Home Secretary and the Chief Commissioner 
of Police allow Policemen to accept the base office in 
which they are engaged by sanctimonious impostors ? 

We should also like to know what Mr. D'Eyncourt 
means by saying that pleasure-seekers are not travellers. 
Is a man who scales the Matterhorn not a traveller, be- 
cause he climbs a mountain for amusement ? Are Members 
of Parliament on the way to the Moors not travellers? 
Was Lord Batemvn when he embarked, "some foreign 
country for to see," with no other end in view than pleasuie, 
not a traveller ? The Sunday law is arbitrary enough as it 
is ; why should a Magistrate put an arbitrary interpretation 
on it? 

Theatrical Phenomenon. 

There was such a crowd at the Olympic Theatre the other 
night to see The Ticket of Leave Man that Mr. Emden, one 
of the Managers, who was standing outside on one occasion 
was actually seen to turn his own head away from the doors. 
No favouritism here. 


Etjrekamen ! We have found out what is the reason why the 
authorities of Scotland Yard allow artists, authors, students, and 
musicians to be driven mad by organ-grinders. The subjoined com- 
munication from a young friend is essentially true : — 

"Mr. Punch, 

" Pi/ease, Sir, the Police here have a band, which meets to 
practise twice a week in the old Godolphiu Schoolroom. They kick 
up such a jolly row. The limes they play mostly are the Dead March 
in Saul, Adeste Fideles, Martin Luther's Hymn, and such like, a bar or 
whatever you call it at a time, over and over again. One whole day 
they were trying just ahout so much of My Lodging is on the Cold 
Ground, and another, a bit of The British Grenadier, Vf hich they did so 
slowly that I mistook it for a psalm for ever so long. They are a Brass 
Band, and at first people said they werethePoPE's playing in the Nunnery 
opposite : but this is not correct : and no doubt they disturb the poor 
nuns at their prayers and put them preciously out. You never heard 
such howls, and growls, and bangs, and clashes. And sometimes a 
fellow misses his note, and blows his trombone askew like, my eye what 
a scraunch ! 

" I live with my Uncle. He is writing a book about Astronomy, I 
think, and Mathematics. They make him so jolly wild. Their noise 
has such an effect on him that he dances about the room like mad, 
wringing his hands, and shrieking, and tearing his hair. Very often 
also the dog next door begins to howl, which makes it worse ; but my 
Uncle calls that an improvement on the Policemen's playing. He says 
it is useless for him to attempt to read or write during their beastly din. 
And don't he use strong language neither ! Such fun. 

" I say, I wish you'd draw a Policeman on his Beat beating a Drum. 
By so doing you will greatly amuse your diligent and ever attentive 

" Hammersmith, Church Lane, Aug., 1863." " Johnson, Jun." 

So now then you see how it is that the Police obstinately refuse to 
j suppress street-noises. They themselves are included amongst the 

offenders against our ears. The so-called guardians of the Peace are in 
league and make common cause with its disturbers. Quis custodict 
ipsos Custodes ; and who will take the noisy Police into custody r 

What do Policemen in particular want with a Band ? Is music in 
any way auxiliary to their employment ? To what end do they culti- 
vate it? Perhaps, for example, when they collar a thief and walk him 
off, with a view to playing the Rogue's March. It is, however, to be 
apprehended that the musical acquirements of the Police will not be at 
all conducive to the apprehension of thieves. Tne Policeman who has 
learned to perform upon an instrumeut will probably be apt to_ apply 
his skill in music chiefly to the private and personal purpose of sere- 
nading cookmaids. With his mind intent on some movement in a sym- 
phony, he will forget to enforce a movement of more consequence to 
the harmony of the public, omitting to bid creators of obstructions to 
move on. Instead of "Move on!" he will be likely enough to cry 
Allegro Vivace, and only incite grinning Italiau organ-griuders to grind 
the faster. His acquaintance with a Handel may even have the effect 
of inducing him occasionally himself to give the grinding organ a turn. 

Harmonious Policemen, however, are no more objectionable than 
Harmonious Blacksmiths, or any other sens of harmony, and might, 
indeed, be encouraged to practise a humanising art in a proper pUce ; 
that is in a cellar, or inside a theatre or music-hall, where they can only 
split one another's ears, and not wit.hin walls penetrable by souud, 
which allow their dissonance to escape, to the , distraction _of the 

Sporting Beggars. 

Mr. Punch reads in the Kelso Chronicle 's paragraphs of sport, — 

" The Hon. Mr. Brown, Captain Jones, and Mr. Robinson (or some suchmmes) 
on the first day of grouse snooting begged seventy brace." 

Well, uo shame in begging if you can't get what you want in any 
other way. And it is better than meanly buying of a gamekeeper, or in- 
cluding what the keepers kill, in your own calculation. But we should 
like to know of whom these gentlemen begged, as the donors to 
these beggars must be generous sportsmen, whom we should like 
to know. 

August 29, 1863.] 





We should advise the Tourist to go straight to Boulogne. This is a 
capital starting point, because from Boulogne you can go anywhere, 
as of course jou can from any other place. And again, from auywhere 
you can go to Boulogne j this is another point in its favour, ihougli on 
second thought the advantage is equally shared by Kamsgate, Scar- 
borough, and other spots on the English coast. We must here caution 
the reader, that whenever in the course of this work the word " spots " 
is used, we do not mean that the place so indicated is any blemish to 
its particular situation. Do we make ourselves understood ? Clearly 
so ; then on we go, which is a rhyme, but it cau't be helped and so let 
us not say another word about it. 

In France the French language is chiefly spoken ; and this, on con- 
sideration, is not surprising. At first you will be astonished to hear 
the smallest dirtiest little boys in the gutter addressing one another in 
French gutturals ; and the thoughtful traveller will immediately note 
down in his pocket-book that the education of the lower classes on the 
Continent is very much superior to that in England. The traveller, 
however, on becoming more thoughtful, will probably erase the note 
soon after it has been made. Now, we must at once ask you Parlez- 
tous Francais I Your answer may be "What 's that to you?" But. 
that 's rude : so you will politely reply to the interrogator, " I can read 
find write it, but don't understand a word of it." If a Frenchman 
makes the inquiry, be ready to say " Bang poo may John long," which 
means, "I don't speak it much, but I know what tou are talking 
about," and after having thus delivered yourself walk off quickly in the 
opposite direction. Let us here pause to make one remark about — 

Comfort.— Always make yourself quite at home, remembering, that, 
by pursuing thte course, you have the advantage of the poor ignorant 
foreigners, who are always " abroad." 

Choice of Hotels.— At Boulogne there is very little choice. They are 
mostly kept by an English proprietor of the name of Bains ; at least, 
we so gather from having seen Hotel de Bains inscribed over the doors 
of several large houses. The best hotel is the Hotel de Ville. To be 
taken in here, however, requires a certain amount of personal interest 
with the native police. They will sometimes show you the inside of 
this building for nothing. On the occasion of our visit, in company 
with a gendarme, we were obliged to make several complaints, to which 
no attention was paid ; and we cannot, therefore, recommend the place 
I to our friends. 

While upon the subject of complaints, it would be as well to mention 
that any communication about faults in the cuisine, must be made by 
i letter to the Minister of the Interior. This General Regulation applies 
j to every part of France. 

i Walks.— Your first Walk at, Boulogne will be from the steamboat to 
I the Custom House, and during these few steps you will have great 
i opportunities of noticing the physiology of the Lower French Classes, 
■ who speak a very different language to the youth of both sexes who 
j are ranked under the same title in our English schools. The vojage 
will probably have improved neither your personal appearance nor your 
; temper. As you may not understand the observations that are made as 
| you pass between the two lines of the mob thus assembled to welcome 
you, we will translate them for the traveller's beneBt ; who is sup- 
posed to be walking along feebly and wretchedly as after a bad passage. 
i Our cheery lively neighbours are assembled to greet, you : — 
I First Lively Neighbour {addressing himself generally to lots of lively 
neighbours). " Ob ! look there ! There 's a white roastbeef ! " (This 
j means you, you know.) 
! All (laughing). He! he! he! he! he! (Ad lib. till they think of 

something else to say.) 
J More Lively Neighbour. " 1 say, Mister, ain't yer well ? " 

All (laughing at you again, you know). " He, he, he, he ! " (Ad lib.) 
; Small Neighbour (livelier than ever, pointing distinctly at you, with a 
: very dirty finger). " He wants some ' portare beer/ " 

All (immensely tickled by this witty homethrust). " He ! he ! he ! he ! 
| he!he!" &c. &c. (Ad. lib.) 

Somebody in the Crowd (who has a slight acquaintance with our Ian- 
I .ouage, says in French-English). " He's a grrrreat long strrrrong." (The 
\ mother tongue attracts your attention, and you turn round, and the speaker 
\ arrives at the end of his limited vocabulary with) "Oh, ye-ees ! " 
i All (highly relishing the joke which the traveller cannot of course be 
at first expected to see). "Oh, ye-ees! Oh, ye-ees! He! he! he! he!" 
; &c. &c. VV hich will be continued until the last voyageur has disap- 
: peared within the doors of the Douane. 

! The Custom House. —You will be asked if you've anything to declare. 
j Now 's the time for the traveller to assert himself. If it is a lady, let 
| her say " Well, I declare ! " and then refuse to utter another syllable. 
■■ If a gentleman, let him declare that he '11 write to the Times. ' Don't 

give up your keys. They 've no right to ask you, at least they would not 
dare do it if they were in England, the cowards! Mind you say all 
this, adding the line about what your native country is in the habit of 
exnecting, the conduct of every one to be with regard to Duty. They 
will want to inspect your hat-box— always make a difficulty about your 
hat-box, and then take good care that there is nothing inside when you 
open it. A hat-box lined with red has a deep political signification ; so 
has black, and white; blue and yellow are also the signs in constant 
use among the carbonari ; so take care. The punishments still in vogue 
in France are hanging, drawing, quartering, whipping, scourging with 
fish-hooks, branding on the nose, hot-ironing, and mangling is still 
done here. For a minor offence, say for instance, a smaller hat-box 
with a less deep lining, you will render yourself liable to be loaded with 
chains and blown up by a magistrate. Do not tremble, be sweetly 
polite, address each of the Douaniers as "Mi lor," and all will be well. 

Precautions— To save all the above-mentioned trouble (and any further 
annoyance), write over to Boulogne generally some days before, and 
say you're cominsr. It' you can't write, get somebody to go oyer instead 
ot you, or Don't Go. The observance of this last, precaution will, at some 
future time in this invaluable Guide, lead us to give some advice as to 
what is to be done by the Traveller who stays at home. At present 
we are on the Continent. 

Geographical position of the Continent. — The Continent is a neck of 
land divided from every other place by something or other which is not, 
surrounded on all sides by water. To bring the definition nearer home 
is impossible, as it, would involve moving Frauce, Russia, Spain, Austria, 
&c. &c. ; however, the reader may be sure that, whenever there is ,a 
movement in any one of these places, we will take advantage of it. 

The Continent then is not simply Boulogne, howbeit, many to this 
day are of that opinion. What then is the Continent? it is a Tract of 
Land ; and being a Tract, is imagined by a few to belong to some pro- 
selytising society. This idea has no foundation in fact. After these 
few but useful remarks we will proceed. 

Prevention better than Cure. — A Sketch at Milan. 


That rising young Monarch the Emperor of Austria, who is 
taking the lead in the affairs of Germany, and has wiped the dense old 
King of Prussia's eye, and put his pipe out, has been figuring in the 
Congress of German Sovereigns at Frankfort like the great German 
sausage in the window at the corner of Bow Street amongst the small 
Germans by which it is surrounded. According to the correspondent 
of a contemporary, writing on Monday week last : — 

" Last night the Emperor gave a grand banquet to his august colleagues, and 
went afterwards to the Zoological Gardens, where a large crowd was assembled, by 
whom he was warmly greeted. " 

Our own correspondent informs us that at the Frankfort Zoological 
Gardens, Francis-Joseph made a jocose remark. As the bear was 
climbing up his pole the Emperor observpd that he wished all Bears 
could get, on as well with their Poles. Whereupon the bear roared, 
and so did the illustrious circle of which his Imperial Majesty was 
the centre, joining in a roar which was louder than that of all the lions 
and tigers. 



Another great., grey-Leaded, chieftain gone 

To join bis brethren on the silent sbore ! 
Another link with a proud past undone ! 

Another stress of life long warfare o'er ! 

Few months have passed since that grey head we saw 
Bending above the vault where Outram slept ; 

Lingering as if reluctant to withdraw 
From that giave-side, where sun-bronzed soldiers wept. 

The thought, tilled many minds, is lie the next 
To take his place within the Abbey walls ? 

A srnarled trunk, hy many tempests vext, 
That bears its honours high, even as it falls. 

Me is the next ! the name that was a fear 
To England's swarthy foes, all India through, 

Is now a memory ! No more fields will hear 
His voice of stern command, that rang so true. 

The tartaned ranks he led and loved no more 

r Will spring, like hounds unleashed, at his behest ; 
No more that eye will watch his soldiers o'er, 
As mothers o'er their babes, awake, at rest. 

A life of roughest duty, from the day 
When with the boy's down soft upon his chin, 

He marched to fight, as others run to play, 
Like a young squire his knightly spurs to win. 

And well he won them ; in the fever-swamp, 
In foughten field, by trench and leaguered wall, 

In the blank rounds of dull routine, that damp 
Spirits of common temper more than all, 

He trod slow steps but sure ; poor, without friends, 
Winning no way, save by his sweat and blood ; 

Heart-sick too often, when from earned amends 
He saw himself swept back by the cold flood, 

Against which all must strive, who strive like him 
"By merit's patient strength to win the goal. 

Till many a swimmer's eye grows glazed and dim, 
And closes, ere the tide doth shoreward roll. 

Stout heart, strong arm, and constant soul to aid, 
He sickened not nor slackened, but swam on ; 

Though o'er his head thick spread the chilling shade, 
Aud oft, twixt seas, both shore and stars seemed gonp. 

Till the tide turned, and on the top of flood 
The nigh-spent swimmer bore triumphant in ; 

Aud honours rained upon him, bought with blood, 
And long deferred, but sweeter so to win. 

And fame and name and wealth and rank were heaped 
On the grey head that once had held them high ; 

But weak the arm which that late harvest reaped, 
And all a kuight's work left him was to die. 

Dead ! with his honours still in newest gloss, 
Their gold in sorry contrast with his grey : 

But by his life, not them, we rate his loss, 
And for sweet peace to his brave spirit pray. 

No nobler soldier's heart was ever laid 

Into the silence of a trophied tomb ; ' 
There let him sleep— true gold and thrice assayed 

By sword and fire and suffering— till the doom ! 



Scene— An Apartment in Cambridge House. 



August 29, 1863. 




There are certain petty social nuisances which we can only hypo- 
critically smile upon, and cheerfully, hypocritically again of course, 
make up our minds to endure. One of these nuisances is the Man 
of Many Dogs. Dear as his own children, if he has any, and dearer 
if he hasn't, to their owner, they are equally troublesome to the 
casual visitor. Let us say, for instance, i that Jones keeps six or 
seven dogs of different sorts and sizes. Jones ruralises within an 
easy distance of town, and you, whose work is in London, obtain 
half a day's respite from labour, and run down by train to enjoy a 
pleasant talk and a good walk through the fresh air and over the green 
fields that surround the house that Jones has built. You, whose 
heart yearns towards your friend, are received by large dog number one 
at the front gate, as if you were a prowling thief, a rogue, and a vaga- 
bond. He is no respecter of persons, and were he more free you would 
be even less welcome than you are. Scylla is passed, but there is a 
Charybdis to be passed in the shape of an enormous Blood Houud who, 
unable, in consequence of the restraints of civilised life, to indulge his 
natural inclinations, stands on the top of his kennel and yowls at you in 
savage disappointment. Jones will tell you afterwards that the crea- 
ture is of an affectionate disposition and will " readily attach himself to 
you, when he knows you"; you cannot help inwardly feeling that, if 
loose, he would attach himself to you with equal readiness, even when 
he hadn't the pleasure of your acquaintance. Then there is the medium 
sized black shaggy dog of uncertain breed and dangerous eye, who lies 
on the mat before the front door and at your approach growls suspi- 
ciously. You stop and say feebly " Poo' dog, Poo' old fellow, then," and 
comfort yourself with the assurance that he won't bite if you're not 
afraid of him ; but as you can't help feeling confoundedly afraid of him 
the odds are that he will. So then you stand hesitatingly with this 
ferocious nuisance 'twixt you and the bell. A servant accidentally 
coming to the door lets you out of the difficulty and in to the house. 
We say nothing of the King Charles of whom you make a mortal 
enemy by nervously sitting upon him when asleep in an arm-chair. We 
pass over the wretched little toy terrier, who being allowed on the table 
at luncheon time, pushes his nose into your plate of pigeon pie, and with 
a tip of his tail spills your sherry over your light summer wear. Let 
that go : you can only say " Oh, never mind, never mind, it doesn't 
matter in the least," and look as if you rather preferred being damp and 
uncomfortable than otherwise ; professing great joy of course on hearing 
that " Sherry doesn't stain" upon which you can say ; " Oh, that 's all 
right," albeit you have a misgiving upon the subject which no assurance 
can overcome. No ; it is in the afternoon walk, when every dog becomes 
a bore. You want to keep up with the pedestrian exercise an entertain- 
ing two hours converse with Jones. Jones says at starting, " You 
don't mind bringing the dogs with us, do jou, just for a run ! " If you 
are strong-minded you will object ; if not, you won't. Off you both 
start with a pack of six or seven. At the finish of the first half-mile 
you are warming into a mutual exchange of thought and useful expe- 
riences. You ask Jones why he advises you against a certain speculation 
which to you seemed highly advantageous. He begins his answer thus. 
— " Well you see there are a great many reasons : first "—here he sud- 
denly stops and looks about quickly, then addresses you with some 
anxiety—" Are all the dogs here ? " 

You pretend to count and say " yes," at hazard. 

"No," says he, "Spot's not here" {whistles). "Spot! Spot! 
Spot ! "{calls ad libitum.) " Confound that dog ! do you mind going 
back a little way ? " Of course you say you don't, and you both retrace 
your steps down the lane. After going about a hundred yards, during 
which Jones does nothing but whistle and call, Spot breaks out of the 
hedge at the point you'd just left, and comes at full gallop towards you. 
He is rebuked and off you start again. 

" You were saying—" you commence, anxious for the important infor- 

" Ah, yes ! " returns Jones, evidently having forgotten all about it. 
" Ah ! oh yes — I remember — well— one of the chief things against that 
Mining Company is this — (stops). Mop's gone now— {calls) Mop! 
Mop! Mop ! (whistles). Would you mind just getting over that 
paling and seeing if the little brute's got into the field after the hares. 
Mop ! Mop ! Mop ! (Then, to another dog that 's running away!) Ah ! come 
here, Sir!— Would you!" After getting very hot and tearing your 
clothes in hunting after Mop for some considerable time, Jones arrives 
at the conclusion that " the little beggar has gone home," which ulti- 
mately turns out to be the case. 

" Well/' begins Jones, after your walk has been resumed for some 
minutes, " The chief reason against this entering into the speculation 
is, that, in the first place, all the Directors " — here you come in sight 
of a pond, and he breaks off— "Just see Nep go in the water: lend me 
your stick: Hie in, Nep; good dog, then; Hie in, Sir." But there 
being no response to this order of the bath, you look round and dis- 
cover the Newfoundland sportively engaged in hunting a calf round a 
neighbouring field. When at length he does condescend to fetch your 
stick he is sure to trot away with it, and being after some time tired of 

his prize he drops it in some out-of-the-way spot of which only the 
sagacious brute himself has any knowledge. The conversation is never 
resumed, as you are fretting about this valuable walking-stick ; and it 
is highly probable that on your return to town you make an unfortu- 
nate venture in the very speculation against which your friend would 
have seriously cautioned you had he not happened to be a Man of 
Many Dogs. 

At half-past ten, p.m., Mr. Punch, attended by Lord Palmerston, 
took a cup of coffee. 

At eleven o'clock Mr. Punch received Lord Palmerston, who pre- 
sented himself on his departure for Broadlands. 

At half-past eleven Mr. Punch attended by Toby, went to sleep on 
the royal sofa. 

At one o'clock, a.m., Mr. Punch rang the drawing-room bell. He 
was attended by nobody. 

Change for the Better. 

When the organ nuisance shall have been swept away from our 
streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture called the 
hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament !) be known as the Un-heardy- 


Afier Breakfast Mr. Punch exercised the Royal Clothes-horses in 
the drive. The Hon. Baden Towel was the Equerry in waiting. 

On his return Mr. Punch kicked Toby off the Roval Drawing-room \ 
Sofa, and then proceeded in state to open the Royal Dining-room 

At twelve o'clock Mr. Punch graciously gave an audience to the Royal 
Housemaids on the subject of Sweeping Reforms, and appointed the ; 
Royal Chimney Sweep'to attend with his soot on the following morning, i 

The Royal Party at Luncheon consisted of Mr. Punch. Brown Hoi- ! 
land covers were laid for the Roval Furniture. 

At half-past three Mr. Punch, driven out by ennui, took the Roya 1 i 
Linen for an airing in the park. 

Several of the Noble Pier-glasses still remaining ,in Town were | 
honoured with an invitation to dinner. 

The circle at the Royal Table consisted of a Round of Beef. During ' 
dinner Mr. Punch's Private Band, Drums and Pandean Pipes, attended ! 
and played the following selection : — 

Overture to The " Railway Guide " Bratjshaw. 

Fantasia on "Jim along Jose ".(Spanish Airs) . . . M. F. Tupper. 

" Long Live the Emperor" (Mexican National Melody). Louis Napoleon. 

Number 86 in the Books Pat Green. 

Volunteer March (from " Wimbledon) " . . . . Walker. 


The wisdom of the law of course is undeniable, but the wisdom of a I 
jury is sometimes problematical. The other day for instance at the I 
Liverpool Assizes, a Spanish sailor was indicted for stabbing in the j 
street two men who chanced to jostle against him (one of whom died 
afterwards of the wounds which he inflicted), and the jury finding him | 
guilty, recommended him to mercy " on account of his being a foreigner 
and not understanding the English language." Upon this the Judge i 
remarked, feeling doubtless, like ourselves, a little puzzled by such 
logic : — 

" Do I understand you to mean, gentlemen, that although you do not think those \ 
grounds sufficient to j ustify you in saying that it mitigated the offence from murder 
to manslaughter, yet it is a matter which somewhat palliates the offence ? 

" The Foreman. That is so, my Lord." 

Whipping out a dagger and stabbing a man who happens to run 
against you in the street is not a thing to be excused in an English ! 
Court of Justice, because, forsooth, the perpetrator happens not to be 
an Englishman. If Spaniards choose to live in England, they should 
remember where they are, and must take the legal consequenoes if they l 
happen to forget themselves. Stabbing people in the street may pos- i 
sibly with certain foreigners be a custom of their country, but nappily | 
it is not yet one of ours, and we hope it never will be. If we allow | 
such customs to be naturalised among us (and if we pardon them in I 
foreigners we shall gradually do so), there really is no telling what out- | 
rages may shock us. Were the delightful King of Dahomey for 
instance, to reside here, and to amuse himself one day by cutting a few 
score of throats, or chopping half a hundred of his servants' heads off, I 
we suppose a Liverpool jury would recommend him to mercy, on the 
ground that, poor dear man ! he chanced to be a foreigner and ha 
pened not to understand the Euglish language. 



[August 2D, 1863. 


Astonished Pedestrian (He with the Knapsack). "What the deuce, George/ I 
thought we were going to walk ? How d 'you mean to carry all tlvat Furniture; and what 's 
the Coffin for?" 

George (A Swell). " Coffin ! My dear fellow. Most adm'rable contrivance ; carries 

your Dress Coat, without creasing it I Fellow must have a dress " 

[At the first mention of the " Dress Coat," Pedestrian declares the engagement 
"off" and retires in dudgeon. 


When will people leain to call a spade a spade ? For 
instance, only look at this :— 

WANTED, a GOVERNESS, "competent," and to take 
entire charge of the Wardrobe of six Children.— Apply, &c. 

She who takes "entire charge of the wardrobe" of 
half-a-dozen children, should be called a clothes-keeper 
rather than a governess. But a governess is often hired 
for less pay than a maid-servant ; and so, when ladies want a 
mistress of the robes worn in the nursery, instead of asking; 
for a nursemaid or a wardrobe- woman, they add a smack 
of education to their other requisitions, and in their adver- 
tisements say they want a governess. 


ye Irish peasantry ! 

Is it blood ye 'd like to spill ? 
List the playful pleasantry 


Down with the aristocracy, 

The landlords and all their likes, 

Mow them with scythes, ochlocracy, 
Spit them, all hands, on pikes. 

Kickham, Gill, and Finnerty, 

Treason may spout and spit ; 
Neither will get his skin hurt, he 

Has a deal too much wit. _ 
They '11 egg on to assassination 

A bog-trotting humbugged wretch. 
And leave him to strangulation. 

Whilst themselves they bilk Jack Ketch, 


We are informed by an interesting Parliamentary return, 
that, during the year endincr December 31, 1862, there 
were 216 persons killed and 600 injured in consequence of 
railway accidents, whereas, during 1861, the number of lives 
lost through them was 284, and the number of persons 
injured 883. Since, in 1862, there were many more miles of 
railway open than in 1861, the preceding figures indicate 
a relative decrease considerably greater than the absolute 
diminution of the list of the railway killed and wounded. 
What an encouragement this is to juries to go on giving 
heavy damages to persons who have sustained injuries 
or lost relations by any railway accident which human 
forethought could possibly have prevented. 


In an article upon "Modern Spiritualism" in the last Quarterly 
Review, it is stated among other things concerning Mr. Home, the 
Medium, that he has been rather variously inclined in his religious 
phases of belief, having first been a member of the Kiik of Scotland, 
after that a Wesleyan, after that a Congregationalist, next a catechu- 
men in Swedenborgianism, and finally a convert to the Roman Catholic 
church. The writer adds in a foot note— 

" We are told that Mr. Home's last conversion has given great scandal to some of 
the Protestant organs of spiritualism in the press, who however console themselves 
with the thought that he may perhaps be destined to convert the Pope to a belief 
in rapping." 

If Mr. Home be a good Catholic he cannot have much faith himself 
that this will be his destiny : for the Quarterly informs us that when he 
was converted "he was assured by his Confessor that, as he was now a 
member of the Catholic Church, his power [as a spiritualist] would not 
return to him." Whether this be so or not, it is certain that Mr. Home 
has done nothing in the rapping way of late, that the world at large has 
heard of: and if his conversion has knocked the rapping out of him, 
we beg leave to congratulate him as well as his Confessor, and to give 
whatever praise is due unto them both. We kuow the old saying about 
" two of a trade," and a church that has its own old superstitions to sup- 
port is not likely to look favourably upon new ones that may rival them. 
The gullibility of man, although immense, may be exhausted: and 
while the Romish priests have their own little peepshows to look after, 
such as their Yearly Bleeding Saint and Winking Picture of the Virgin, 
they are not likely to encourage spirit-rapping exhibitions, which may 
also have a tendency towards exhaustion of credulity. 

Punch has never been accused of having used his pen'too freely to 
advocate the doctrines of the Romish Church : but he must candidly 

confess that he respects the Papal faith far more highly than he does 
the humbug of the Spirit-rappers. So Punch is not displeased to learn 
that Mr. Home has left the latter for the former : and so far from 
expecting him to make the Pope a Medium, or to cause St. Peter's 
chair to jump about the Vatican by any spirit-moving art, Punch looks 
forward ere long to find that Mr. Home has been induced by his Con- 
fessor to make a full confession of all the artful dodges by which he 
gulled the dupes who were so weak as to put faith in his spirit-rapping 

Fashionable Announcements. 

The Lord High Admiral of Switzerland has arrived at the Clarendon 

The Bishop of Dahomey has landed at Southampton. 

The Duke of New York is expected at the American Embassy. 
Apartments have been provided for H is Grace at Windsor Castle. 

Cardinal Camminatore, the Papal Nuncio, has left. Leicester Square 
for Peterborough. His Eminence is charged by the Pope with a box of 
Italian confectionery, and the apostolical benediction of his Holiness for 
Mr. Whalley. 

Bogie and the Bottle. 

Says George Cruikshank, in a letter to the Athenaum on the 
subject of Ghosts :— 

" In fact I may say that, for more than half a century, I have been from time to 
time holding up ghosts to ridicule and contempt." 

We did not know that our friend George had been so long engaged 
in quizzing ghosts, though we were aware that of late years he had 
been making terrible fun of spirits. 

August 29, 1863.] 




oho ! Gentlemen Volunteers, no 
more sugarplums and bonbons for 
you. No more bland regular officers 
to put you through your manoeuvres 
with an indulgent eye, and then to 
assure you, with smiling I'aces, that 
they have often seen soldiers, but 
never in their lives saw such skilful, 
manly, smart, adroit, intelligent, 
efficient soldiers as the Eleventh 
Fleabittenshire Volunteer Rifles, or, 
as the case may be. As we, the 
nation, pay you now, we propose to 
look after you a little more sharply, 
and see that our money i3 not thrown 
away. You are going to be told the 
truth, the whole truth, and nothing 
but the truth, so help yourselves as 
best you may. Would you like a 
specimen of what you are going to 
catch, when you deserve it? See 
what a corps formed, it seems, of 
Foresters, and called the Fourth 
City of London, has caught. These 
respectable Foresters were inspected 
the other evening by Colonel 
Morris, on behalf of Government, 
and if iyou think that he drew it 
particularly mild, we are not precisely 
of your opinion. DixitMon&is :— 

" I am sorry I cannot congratulate you on any great improvement in your drill 
since I inspected you in the Regent's Park last year. Indeed, the only one thing I 
see in the shape of improvement is a little advantage with respect to your uniforms. 

* * I must say that, in my experience, I have never seen any corps of volunteers 
so backward, either this or last year, as this one. If it is worth a mans while to enter 
the service as a volunteer, it is worth his while to learn the duty and the drill 
efficiently, and do it well. The whole of your movements have been done in a 
careless and unsoldierlike way, and I feel it my duty to tell you so. * * One 
captain of company, the gentleman who was called out and put you through your 
manual and platoon, seemed to know his work, but with regard to the other officers, 
there were no words of command given, and no effort made to check men going 
wrong, and therefore we heard the voice of the paid instructor bellowing all over the 
place. All I can say is, that it has been very bad, and I hope another year to find 
your drill a little better." 

There, Gentlemen Volunteers, we think that may be called speaking 
put, and when the gallant and uncomplimentary colonel had done, he 
informed the unfortunate Foresters that he should certainly tell the Wats. 
Secretary what a set of pumps they were. Mr. Punch, who may be 
said to have made the Volunteers, inasmuch as he loyally encouraged 
and petted them, instead of scrunching out the movement, as he could 
have done in three numbers, is sorry that any corps should have deserved 
such a wigging, but is glad that such a wigging, being deserved, has 
been administered. He certainly was beginning to think that inspect- 
ing officers were rather lavish of stereotype commendation, and as the 
force is quite strong enough now to need no bolstering up, it is well 
that Volunteers should comprehend that there is to be no more non- 
sense. They must stick to company drill, or we would rather have 
their room than their company in our Household Guard. No more 
playing at soldiers. 


The different Clergy of the Confederate States have addressed a 
manifesto to their "Christian Brethren" throughout the world against 
the Yankees. As against the Yankees, there is perfect truth in this 
protest ; but there is one part of it which asserts Slavery to be a provi- 
dential institution. This winds up with a quotation from the First of 
Paul to Timothy on the very different matter of servitude as it was in 
Timothy's diocese, prescribing rules for the conduct of servants, 
denouncing any man who should teach otherwise, and ending with the 
words "from such withdraw thyself." Whereupon these evangelical 
gentlemen subjoin the following observation: — 

" That is what we teach ; and obedient to the last verse of the text, from men 
that ' teach otherwise ' — hoping for peace — we ' withdraw ' ourselves. " 

The inverted commas with which these reverend divines accentuate 
their extracts from the apostolic text in taking them to themselves, 
appear to give their profession of preaching and practising just what 
the Apostle tells them a rather sarcastic significance. The pretence of 
obedience to St. Paul in upholding Slavery and resorting to Secession, 
certainly does sound something too much like the combination of a 
snuffle and a sneer. 


Instinctively as we recoil from controversial ink-shed, our columns 
being neutral ground, we cannot warn off all epistolary duellists. 
There is something very terrible, however, in two professors of peace 
principles, brandishing their paper knives and lunging for a deadly 
intellectual thrust. To this spectacle our readers are now invited. For 
our own part, we remain with folded arms, aiding and comforting 
neither combatant. It is a pretty quarrel as it stands, and we have no 
desire to heighten its charms. 

Oliver Suckle to John Bright. 
" Friend John, 

" Living down in the Fens surrounded by mist, 1 seldom see 
that guiding star which you suppose to be Jupiter, but which I rather 
think is in the milky way. "You will not wonder therefore at my 
ignorance of many things, especially Federalism, over whose convulsed 
form it appears you are now passionately weeping, while administering 
strong stimulants with a view to her recovery. * * * Now, when 
I was solicited to, and did become a subscriber to, the Peace Society, 
I clearly understood that the Bill bore your indorsement. If it was 
not indorsed by you, then my money was obtained by false pretences. 
If contrariwise it was so indorsed, then I ask how can you consistently 
side with those whose cry is ' War, War,' and (at any price) nothing 
but War. A simple answer to this simple question will oblige 

" Your well-wisher, Oliver Suckle." 

John Bright to Oliver Suckle. 
" Friend Oliver, 

" You need not have told me that you were a political dunce. 

" My simple answer to your simple question is this, — those with 
whom I consistently side are fighting for the liberty of others— nothing 
more; that secured, hostilities cease. And between fighting for 
selfish and fighting for charitable purposes, I think even your Boeotian 
intellect will perceive a wonderful difference. 

" Yours ever in haste, John Bright." 

Oliver Suckle to John Bright. 
" Friend John, 

" Certainly, between fighting for selfish and fighting for 
charitable purposes, there is a wonderful difference. But why fight 
at all. Now, the Peace Society was formed to urge Governments to 
substitute Arbitration for War. Now if Arbitration is desirable and 
practicable in any quarrel, why not in this ? A simple answer to this 
my second simple question will be esteemed by 

" Yours always serene, Oliver Suckle." 

John Bright to Oliver Suckle. 
" Mr. Suckle, 

" I always deprecate discussions that can have no useful 
result. Arbitration I still contend is the best steersman, but I reserve 
to myself the right and power to throw Arbitration overboard when he 
becomes like yourself, a troublesome fellow and won't obey my signals. 
Strongly recommending you to attend to your farm and not perplex 
your head with things which you evidently cannot understand, any 
further communication from you will remain unanswered. 

" Yours, &c, J. Bright." 
Oliver Suckle to John Bright. 
" My very dear Friend, 

" So dearly do I love Peace, that not another word shall 
escape from my pen tending to a breach of it. You will, however, not 
be offended by my simply observing, that its warmest advocates are .its 
coolest friends, and having parted with my money under an erroneous 
impression, and seeing no prospect of any adequate return, I feel that 
like a well-dressed goose, I am done brown on both sides. 

" Yours sincerely, more in sorrow than in rage, 

" Oliver Suckle." 

" P.S. Would there be any harm in your trying to bring about an 
amicable adjustment ? 1 ask this, not to cause irritation, but in justice 
to a Society which has overslept itself. It is now time that it should 
get up and go to work. As one of its guardians, will you be kind 
enough to knock at the door ? " 

Medical.— iEtna has been vaccinated for an Eruption. The moun- 
tain is getting on as well as can be expected. 

Tearful Tragedy. 

The other day an eccentric gentleman was standing on the top of the 
Monument with a friend, with whom he had promised subsequently to 
dine. Wishing, however, to go to the theatre, he determined to throw 
his friend over, and slip out quietly. He effected his cruel purpose, and 
we regret to say, has not since been seen. 



[August 29, 1863. 

I N% 


Paterfamilias. " Ah! Julia, married life need have some pleasure, for it has Us anxieties. Look at ourselves / Here have we been anxiously 
considering for this last hour wJiat we shall have for Dinner to-morrow'' 


Mb. Leigh Murray is one of the very best of our few good actors, 
and the stage is a loser by the unfrequency of his appearance. His 
health has not been good, and we are doubly glad, for his own sake and 
for that of his art, to see that he has resumed his engagements. He 
dresses, walks, and speaks like a gentleman, and acts with a full com- 
prehension of his author, and an earnest intention of making his author 
comprehended. And in the more elevated drama, Mr. Leigh Murray 
shows that he lias loftier gifts. Mr. Punch is happy to have an oppor- 
tunity of saying this. Having said it, he begs to remark upon a novelty 
which Mr. Murray's manager has introduced into the play-bills. 
These interesting documents announce that Mr. Leigh Murray will 
appear " having recovered from an attack of Rheumatic Gout." It is 
all matter of taste, and some persons may enjoy a comedy the more 
from knowing exactly what has been the matter with a leading per- 
former, but on the whole we almost think that " indisposition," or 
" illness," would have been enough, without such very decided realism. 
Suppose this fashion of letting the audience into the entire confidence 
of the performers were to prevail, what a cheerful play-bill we might 
have, especially in an influenza season. We should read that— 




Othello (who has obligingly recovered from the chicken-pox) . . Mr. Bellowmore. 
e he was operated upon ft 

Iago (being his first 

corns) g , jik. Growlev. 

Cassio (having been cured of a bleeding at the nose) . . . Mr. Sposns. 

Roderico (second time since his vaccination) Mr. Wopshott. 

Brabantio (his re-appearance after the excision of his uvula and 

the stoppage of his wisdom tooth) Mr. Bonabsus. 

Montako (convalescent after neuralgia in tin calves of his legs) . Mr. Owler. 
Desbemona (a great deal better than could be expected. N.B. Baby 

perfectly well) Mrs. Rabbits. 

Emilia (who has kindly consented to appear, though a martyr to 

saatcca and hysterics) Miss Qdickfidcet. 

Printed hr William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Wobum Place, in the Parish of St. Pancraa, In the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mtillett Ev 
WhitefrUrs, City of London, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefnars, City of London, and Published by them at N 
o: London.-SATUBDAr, August 2% 18C3. 

This sort of thing would certainly give the audience a personal interest 
in the performer, and the latter would be curiously watched to see whether 
any signs of the late indisposition could be detected. So far, that sym- 
pathy would be created which aids the electric effect of art ; but, on the 
whole, we think that the afflictions of our favourite artists had better 
continue to be vested in the graceful indeliniteness of a doctor's certifi- 
cate, and we beg to add that we should not have taken any notice of the 
little eccentricity on the part of the Strand management, if it had not 
enabled Mr. Punch to apprise Leigh Murray that, he, P., is exceedingly 
glad to see him, L. M., again at his work. Good actors are not so 
plentiful in these days that we can spare a very good one. 


Mr. Punch regrets to observe that while Madame du Chaillu, wife 
of the brave traveller and Gorilla-slayer, was bathing the other day at 
Ramsgate, she was assaulted by a loathsome creature which the Magis- 
trates fined £20, believing that it was a man, called John Benson, a 
bag-man, with a wife and children. Magistrates are not celebrated for 
wisdom, and these Ramsgate beaks may be excused for not perceiving 
that the beast was a gorilla; wishing to avenge its slain friends. Brave 
M. du Chaillu has departed on another exploring tour, and though 
when he heats the news he will feel, as a husband should, in regard to 
the annoyance to his wife, he will be pleased that the Ramsgate Magis- 
trates, though in a blundering manner, sought to avenge the inhospitable 
assault. He will laugh to see that they fined the brutal gorilla, instead 
of tying it up to a post and flogging it soundly. It must be watched, 
however, and at the first demonstration of inclination to renew such an 
outrage, it had better be sent to Professor Owen, and for safety's 
sake, the skin, which can easily be removed with a good horsewhip, had 
better go by separate conveyance. 

Natural History a la Francaise — Le ProfesseurPolichinelle's 
opinion is that the Cat is the first animal in creation. He bases his con- 
viction upon the fact that Puss is decidedly " Tout ce qu'ilyade mew." 

September 5, 1863. 




Housemaid. " Oh— but it couldn't a bin 'er ! " 

cook. " i tell ter it were— she called upon mlssus this morning, and 
she 'ad on a Pork Pie 'At, and half a Pheasant stuck in it ! " 


A Young lady lias said 

That she no man will wed 
Who's worth less than six hundred a year, 

One would fancy, to keep, 

A white elephant cheap, 
If compared to a damsel so dear. 

Pull one hundred ; no less, 

She must spend upon dress, 
Every year of her conjugal life ; 

Only somebody who 

Is as rich as a Jew, 
Could afford to maintain such a wife. 

Oh, how lovely must she, 

To expect so much, be ! 
But who prizes mere beauty 's a goose. 

Like the plum's bloomy rime, 

'Tis brushed off in no time. 
And how then if your wife 's of no use ? 

What can this girl, then, do ? 

Can she bake ? Can she brew ? 
Can she wash ? Can she cook P Can she mend I 

Or is she nothing worth 

Than the fruits of the earth 
To consume, and a fortune expend ? 

Job at the Foreign Office. 

And so Sir James Hudson is choked off to be super- 
seded by an Elliot ! It is a wonder that Earl Russell 
is not tired of finding places for the Elliots, of whom there 
are so many. He must be very patient. The continual 
task of placing out those Elliots is enough to tire the 
patience of Job. 

Health of the Metropolis. 

A Gentleman who lately took a house near the 'Marble 
Arch, in order that his health might be benefited by the 
breezes blowing across Hyde Park, now complains of the 
want of fresh air, alleging as his reason that the park is so 
close. This must be looked to. 


"it is rite that them wot rede these Memoirs shood no that i ham a 
Nuss (privit not ospitl)— konsequentle speke from xperiens wich in 
coorse is betr than eersay. Ov hall purfeshuns a Nuss's most onerable 
(privit not ospitl)— i don't mean too insinevate that Her Blesed 
Magesti's prim ministur mi lord pumicestone isn't onerabl — but is 
plase and mine is verry difrent— trew, he, like me, sits up rayther late 
o' nites, and as A deel o' oposishun too Kontend against, and he 's 
werreted a Good deel, and ates harf and harf meshures Butt wen he 
takes a litl thing in hand, he hasn't neer the trubl a Nuss has, in 
Karryin hitt threw the Ouse. 

"Sum pepl tel u that thay don't bleeve In the wisitashunov sperets— 
i don't miself giv Kredens too hall the gost storees i eer, but i doo 
bleeve in sperets Ginerally— i bleeve that many things wot disapeer 
most hunacountably ar spereted away— 4 xampl T hand shngar— itt 
orfen wexes me to eer Ladis (so kawld) wunderin about the T goin so 
fast, wen they've mislade the kee ov the cady — in coorse if I where to 
lay it too the sperets, I Wood b sett down has superstishus tho' sperets 
in Gineral i bleeve r fond ov hison dust— hatt ball events has my Trend 
Mrs. gingham sais 'sperets Mum and T mixes unkimonly well 

"jest to show that there his sich a feenomenon as dubble Site i will 
state wot kame under mi hown Obserwashun. me and Mrs. gingham 
(wot is hallso a Nuss, privit not ospitl) was settin hup one nit.e with A 
halderman wot had taken Hill on kumin home from A wite bate dinr 
Att Grinish— there was too kandles on the tabl and The hallderman 
took his davy that he seed fore ! ! ! 

"now as 2 sofers cheers anduther Firniter goin upp in the Hare (widy 
M. howit's revelashuns)— i remember 1 kase in pertikler— i was takin 
kare ov a Willow in Sinjin Wood for a famile wot had gone out ov 
toun for the seeson (itt was in bawgnst) i was ball alone in the drawin 
room (it was about a quarter to 11)— i hadd made miself a kumfurtabl 

jugg ov Eg-hot and was dozin On the sofer (i hadn't taken abuv a Pint 
or so) wen hall qv a sudn i felt the sofer rise with me rite Upp in the 
Hare!!!— then it came down — then itt rose upp so itt kontineveed 
for several ours Til i woke and found A pelisseman standing over me 
with a bull's i Lantern who sed ' i beg pardon M. butt you've forgotn 
to klose the strete dore and its A mersy as the Primises hasn't bin 
robd.' on anuther okashun wen i'd been Ta_kin sum port whine 
Negress i Felt the ole room go round and round jest has it his hapt to 
do wen There 's a mediem in itt. 

"a sillybrated mediem In a wurk wot has lately kum out spekes'of a 
lace-borderd kap bein presented By a speret— my Frend Mrs. gingham 
mett with a similar hinstance of speretual ginerosite— it was at a 
manshun nott Far from'the brumton bilers were she was in waitin pur- 
feshunly— she was a dozin in a eesy Cheer before the fire wen she 
fanseed she heerd a Wisperin in the hadjinin haypartment — akordinle 
she putt her I to the kee-ole, and there she sor a Helegant young ladi 
in wite muslin with a bowket sitin doun wile a andsum yung horficer 
in millintery huniform nelt before her and kisd her alleybaster and — my 
Frend Mrs. g. gave a slite m. att which the yung ladi started aad 
became as pale as Deth ! ! Mrs. g. then returnd to her cheer and fell 
asleep — wen she woke wot was her sirprise to fiud a bootiful lace kap on 
her nee— she menshund the sirkumstans to the young ladi who Told 
Mrs. g. in konfidens, that it was a kap bclongin to her granmamar wot 
had bin Ded neer upon aleven Ycers, and Begd her not to tel any 1 
which (septin me) she never did. on turnin the kap over in their minds 
neethur Mrs. g. nor the young ladi hadd ani dout but that a tsharitable 
speret had putt it were it was found. 

" heverybode wot knows hanythin? at hall about sperets is Awair how 
b — e — a — utifull they Play the hacordiun— y sperets shood preftr That 
hinstrument to hall uthers i karn't himagin — 1 wood have thort sperets 
had rayther have Taken lesons on the Pidl, konsiderin (as Mr. howit 
must hadmit) how eesy it is to draw the Long Bow. 

" (note— handed bi mus. gingham), in 1 wrespect sperets is like black 
Beadles— there I-site is wery sensitiv, hand much has they injoy 
thereselves in the Dark, they always wanish wen Lite is kast upon 'em." 

vol. xlv. 


[September o, 1863. 


and Wherefore, my dear 
Punch, you have not seen 
me lately, I will explain as 
well as this bad pen will let 
me; and did you ever, let 
me ask, get at a country 
house a good one ? 

"The fact is, then, that 
having nothing to do in 
town, and there being no- 
body now left in town to do 
it with, I thought I could 
not well do better than go 
into the country ; and wish- 
ing to enjoy the most ab- 
solute tranquillity, I have 
been staying at a house 
where there were half-a- 
dozen children. I lately 
read a paper in a cereal ma- 
gazine, treating of the Pro- 
bable Extinction of Blue 
Eyes ; and if I saw any 
cause before to doubt that 
probability, my visit to this 
country house must cer- 
tainly have strengthened it. 
Brighter blue I never saw 
than were the eyes of the 
half-dozen, from the Samson of eleven to the Goliath of scarce two, 
whom I would freely back to win the first prize at a baby-show, both 
for beauty and for bigness. 

" Of course you know a house cannot be otherwise than quiet with a 
leash of grown-up girls and half-a-dozen healthy boys in it; and as 
their parents may at times feel rather bored by their tranquillity, I 
proposed a couple of days' excursion down the Wye, which, it chanced, 
was not far distant. In your aquatic explorations have you ever seen 
this river ? If not, take my advice and a cab at once and do so. You 
will, besides the cab, have to take a trip by railway to the town of 
Ross, where you will please touch up your memory and recollect John 
Kyrle, the famous ' Man of Ross,' and the (to my mind) not so 
famous bit of poetry Pope wrote of him. The Lord Carlisle forgive 
my speaking lightly of his favourite, but I wonder in what dictionary 
the poet found the verb ' repose ' described as having the meaning 
which he gives to it hereunder : — 

" Whose causeway parts the vale with shady rows ? 
Whose seats the weary traveller repose ? 
Who taught that heaven-directed spire to rise? 
[Who filled the butchers' shops with large blue flies?] 
The Man of Ross, each lisping babe replies." 

" I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope. If the babies lisped, they 'd say, 
' The Man of Roth.' 

" The ordinary tourist may have heard the name of Pope, if he have 
not that of Kyrle ; and it is possible Le likewise may have beard the 
name of Newton. The recollection of this name may be of use to him 
at Ross, for he will find a Mr. Newton there of whom to hire a 
pleasure-boat, or, if he prefer it, he may get one at the Post Office. 
What connection there can be between the Post Office and boating I 
leave your clever readers at full liberty to guess; but it is certain that 
at Ross I was directed to the Post Office when I asked the civil station- 
master where I could get a boat. Thirty shillings is the charge for a 
'one man' boat to Chepstow, but we, being heavy swells, of course 
required a 'two men' boat, and so paid twenty shillings more for it, 
together with a pour-boirc of five shillings to the men. To a cockney 
who is used to penny river steam-boats, such a fare for forty miles or 
so may seem a little high ; but the cockney should remember that the 
boatmen have to row their craft back against stream for every fare 
t hey take ; and as there are no locks, the current runs in some spots at 
a toughish pace to tug against. 

"The Thames is a pretty enough river to pull down, and about 
Cliefden especially its scenery is lovely. But there is no view on the 
Thames that the Wye does not eclipse, and its beauties are not merely 
varied but continuous. You may travel down the Rhine and not see 
bolder cliffs than on the Wye at Symon' s Yat, where you will be told to 
land and climb up to the top, or in other words to the mast-head of the 
Yat. Who this Symon was, and! why he called this cliff his Yat, I 
have not the slightest notion ; but he was not a Simple Symon if he 
pic-nicked on his Yat, for a lovelier view to look at through a bumper 
of champagne 1 have rarely been delighted by. I don't myself much 
relish peeping over precipices, but if I had not felt an objection to the 
risk of breaking my neck, 1 might have looked down perpendicularly 
some six hundred feet or so, and seen the river flowing close on either 

side of me. Gutta cavat lapidem, and perhaps some day the Wye may 
run straight through the Yat, instead of going out of its course some 
distance to get round it, as a glib barrister does sometimes to get round 
a point of law. A remarkably good echo lives just opposite the Yat, 
and when I asked it ' How 's your mother ? ' and ' Where are you 
going on Sunday ? ' which two romantic questions were inspired by the 
romantic nature of the place, 1 had the satisfaction of eliciting some 
local information on the subject from an ingenuous young clodhopper 
who was in the fields beneath. 

" Our yatting expedition over, we resumed our boating one, but 
though we passed a lot of rapids our pace was not a fast one. You see, 
good scenery prevents one from pulling a good oar, and when one is 
rowing on a fine day down a river like the Wye one feels inclined to 
lazyfaire like the Naples lazyroni. Besides, to see our Paterfamilias 
serenely lolling on the stern cushions, and like the Jolly Young Water- 
man, 'rowed along thinking of nothing at all.' (except keeping his pipe 
alight), was quite enough to paralyse the muscles of his oarsmen, one 
of whom especially seemed glad of any excuse for imitating his tranquil- 
lity. But we reached Chepstow at length, and then of course went up 
to Wyndcliff, of which no doubt you've heard, and know is well worth 
going to. The point from which to see the view being on the Duke of 
Beaufort's property, the Duke 'expects' a sixpence from you (which 
you pay quite willingly), as a largess to his servants who keep the paths 
in order for you. But when you have panted to the top, you have your 
remaining breath taken away from you by finding the Duke's tenant 
'expects' an extra three-pence, fordoing nothing save abstaining from 
doing something that might stop you from enjoyment of the view. To 
find Nature made a peepshow of is not the pleasantest discovery : but 
when you 've had your grumble, you will, I think, allow that your nine- 
pennyworth of landscape is really worth the money. Close in the fore- 
ground and, as my guide-book finely phrases it, ' clasped in the winding 
river's arms,' is the ' peninsula of Llancaut,' which is noticeable chiefly 
for the fact that at its parish church the service is performed once only 
in three weeks. To compensate perhaps for this inl'requency of preach- 
ing, the rocks projecting opposite are called the Twelve Apostles (we 
counted up fourteen of them, and so named two Paul and Barnabas), 
while a pinnacle near Tintern has been termed the Devil's Pulpit. If 
one could have the Wyndcliff view to look at while one shaves, one 
would not so much abhor that painful operation. As for trying to 
describe it, I leave that to the writer of the guide-book I have quoted, 
and I. hope you will admire the profanity and snobbishness with which 
his sketch concludes : — 

" The spectator stands upon the edge of a precipice, the depth of which is most 
awful (!), and the river winds at his feet. The right side screen is Piereefield ridge, 
richly wooded ; the left is a belt of rocks, over which appear the Severn, and the 
fine shores between Thornbury and Bristol, rising behind each other in admirable 
swells(!) which unite in most graceful curves. The first foreground is to the eye a 
view from the clouds upon earth (!), and the rich contrast of green meadows to wild 
forest scenery. The farm of Llancaut clasped in the arms of the winding river, 
backed by hanging wood and rock. Thus there is a bay of verdure, walled in by 
Nature's colossal fences (!) wood, hill, aud rock. * * On the undergrounds herds 
of cattle, browsing in silent melancholy (!), some laving in the water, others retiring 
to sheltered banks. * * The further horn of the Crescent tapers off into a craggy 
informal mole, over which the eye passes to the second bay. This terminates in 
Chepstow Castle, the town and the rocks beyond all mellowed down by distance 
into that fine hazy indistinctness which makes even deformities combine in har- 
mony with the picture (!). In the middle distance the widening sea spreads itself, 
and from it the shores of Somerset and Monmouthshire steal away into the horizon. 
Lastly, all this union of large and bold objects, from being comprised within a cir- 
cumference of a very few miles, unites the landscape and the prospect, together 
with the forest and the park character, of unimpeded expanse ; for the enclosures 
are few in any part, and by distance are almost diminished into imperceptible 
streaks. Thus the reproach of mappishness does not attach ;to this exalted exhi- 
bition of the divine taste (! ! !)." 

" I am not a sentimental journeyer, and so, despite the elegant pre- 
diction of the guide-book, the Wyndcliff view did not excite in me ' an 
involuntary start of astonishment,' nor did it 'elevate my mind into 
instantaneous rapture. Enough to feel it is a fitting climax to the beau- 
ties of the Wye, and I hope that my mind's eye may long find pleasure 
in a look at it. Another view we had, however, which, I rather think, 
will live still longer in my memory, and this was Tintern Abbey as seen 
by a cigar-light ! Whoe'er would Tintern view aright must visit it by 
pale moonlight : but unluckily it happened that the moon was not shining 
on the night when we were there, so as we couldn't get the moonlight, 
we tried the substitute of match-light, and admired the fine old ruin by 
the aid of a fusee. You can fancy how the grandeur of the venerable 
Abbey was enhanced by this ingenious device in pyrotechnics, and what 
sublime emotions were evoked by the effect. 

" Some people say that England has no scenery worth seeing, while 
others when they travel only travel for 'excitement in the way of risking 
life by scaling breakueck precipices, or scrambling over ice chasms 
where a slip is certain death. Now, were a cockney tourist, not being 
a good boatman, to try a passage down the Wye in a wager-boat or 
coracle, he would see much pleasaut scenery without much fear of 
drowning, and yet with quite sufficient danger just to stimulate his 
nerves. So recommending this excursion to all those who feel inclined 
for it, believe me, my dear Punch, 

" Yours, ever so much, 


September 5, 1863.] 



A Parliamentary Debate, with Notes, by a Confederate Importer. 

All ye who with credulity the whispers hear of fancy, 

Or yet pursue with eagerness hope's wild extravagancy, 

Who dream that England soon will drop her long miscalled Neutrality, 

And give us with a hearty shake the hands of nationality ; 

Read, while we give, with little fault of statement or omission, 
The next debate in Parliament on Southern Recognition ; 
They're all so much alike, indeed, that one can write it off, I see,, 
As truly as the Times Report without the gift of prophecy. 

Not yet, not yet to interfere does England see occasion, 
But treats our good Commissioner with coolness and evasion, 
Such coolness in the premises that really 'tis refrigerant 
To think that two long years ago she called us a belligerent. 

But further Downing Street is dumb, the Premier deaf to reason, 
As deaf as is the Morning Post, both in and out of season ; 
The working men of Lancashire are all reduced to beggary, 
And yet they will not listen unto Roebuck or to Gregory: 

" Or any other man " to-day who counsels interfering, 
While all who speak on t'other side obtain a ready hearing-, 
As, par exemple, Mr. Bright, that pink of all propriety, 
That meek and mild disciple of the.blessed Peace Society. 

"Why, let 'em fight,". says Mr. Bright, "these Southerners, I hate 

And hope the Black Republicans will soon exterminate 'em ; 
It' Freedom can't Rebellion crush, pray tell me what's the use of 

And so he chuckles o'er the fray as gleefully as Lucifer. 

Enough of him — an abler man demands our'close attention, 1 

Tlie Maximus Apollo of strict A^wz-Intervention ; 

With pitiless severity, though decorous and calm his tone. 

Thus speaks the "old man eloquent," the puissant Earl of Palmerston: 

" What though the land run red with blood, what though the lurid 

Of cannon light, at dead of night, a mournful heap of ashes, 
Where many an ancient mansion stood— what though the robber pillages 
The sacred home, the house of God, in twice a hundred villages— 

" What though a fiendish, nameless wrong, that makes revenge a 

Is daily done" (0 Lord, how long?) " to tenderness and beauty ? " 
(And who shall tell, this deed of hell, how deadlier far a curse it is 
Than even pulling temples down and burning Universities ?) 

" Let Arts decay, let millions fall, for aye let Freedom perish, 
With all that in the Western world men fain would love and cherish, 
Let Universal Ruin there become a sad reality, 
We cannot swerve, we must preserve our rigorous neutrality." 

Oh, Pam ! oh, Pam ! hast ever read what 's writ in holy pages, 
How Blessed the Peace-Makers are, God's Children of the ages— 
Perhaps you think the promise sweet was nothing but a platitude, 
'Tis clear that you have no concern in that Divine beatitude. 

But " hear ! hear ! hear ! " another peer, that mighty man of muscle, 

Is on his legs, a heating begs, the noble Earl or Russell; 

Thus might he speak, did not of speech his shrewd reserve the folly 

And thus unfold the subtle plan of England's secret policy : — 

" John Bright was right, yes, let 'em fight, these fools acros3 the water, 
'Tis no affair at all of ours, their Carnival of slaughter ; 
The Christian world, indeed, may say we ought not to allow it, Sirs, 
But still 'tis music in our ears, this roar of Yankee howitzers. 

" A word or two of sympathy, that costs us not a penny, 

We give the gallant Southerners, the few against the many, 

We say their noble fortitude of final triumph presages, 

And praise in Blackwood's Magazine Jefe Davis and his Messages — 

"Of course we claim the shining fame of glorious Stonewall Jackson, 
Who typifies the English race, a sterling Anglo-Saxon ; 
To bravest song his deeds belong, to Clio and Melpomene " — 
(And why not for a British stream demand the Chickahominy ?) 

" But for the cause in which he fell we cannot lift a finger, 
'Tis idle on the question any longer here to linger ; 
'Tis true the South has freely bled, her sorrows are Homeric, oh, 
Her case is like to his of old who journeyed unto Jericho — 

" The thieves have stripped and bruised, although as yet they have not 

bound her, 
We 'd like to see her slay 'em all to right and left around her, 
We shouldn't cry in Parliament if Lee should cross the Raritan, 
But.England never yet was known to play the Good Samaritan. 

" And so we pass the other side, and leave them to their glory, 
To give new proofs of manliness, new scenes for song and story : 
These honeyed words of compliment may possibly bamboozle 'em, 
But ere we intervene, you kuow, we'll see 'em in— Jerusalem. 

" Yes, let 'em fight till both are brought to hopeless desolation, 
Till wolves troop round the cottage door in one aud 'tother nation ; 
Till worn and broken down the South shall prove no more refractory, 
And rust eats up the silent looms iu every Yankee factory : 

" Till bursts no more the cotton boll o'er fields of Carolina, 
And fills with snowy flosses the dusky hands of Dinah ; 
Till war has dealt its final blow and Mr. Seward's knavery 
Has put an end in all the land to Freedom and to Slavery. 

" The grim Bastille, the rack, the wheel, without remorse or pity, 
May flourish with the guillotine in every Yankee City, 
No matter should Old Abe revive the brazen bull of Phalaris, 
'Tis no concern at all of ours," {Sensation in the galleries) — 

" So shall our ' Merry England ' thrive on transatlantic troubles, 
While India on her distant plains her crop of cotton doubles ; 
And so as long as North or South shall show the least vitality, 
We cannot swerve, we must preserve our rigorous neutrality." 

— Your speech, my Lord, might well become a Saxon legislator, 
When the " fine old English gentlemen " lived in a state of natur' — 
When Vikings quaffed from human sculls their fiery draughts of honey- 
Long, long before the Barons bold met tyrant John at Runnymede. 

But 'tis a speech so plain, my Lord, that all may understand it, 
And so we quickly turn to fight again the Yankee bandit, 
Convinced that we shall fairly win at last our nationality, 
Without the help of Britain's arm, in spite of her Neutrality ! 

V Mr. Punch has inserted the preceding lines from a S^cesh Corre- 
spondent, as "a few straws to show which way the wind blows" in the 


There are some Magistrates who do not know how to enforce the 
rights of property ; others who do. Among the latter must decidedly 
be included the gentlemen named jn the subjoined extract from the 
Manchester Guardian: — 

"Penalties for Trespass at Preston.— On Saturday, at the County Police 
Court, Preston, before Messrs. C. R. Jacson, R. Oliverson. and Peter Catterall, 
a man named William Walmsley, was summoned for trespassing on some land in 
Fishwick, and doing damage to the amount of one penny. In reply to the Bench, 
the defendant said he had done no damage. — He was fined half-a-crown and costs, 
ordered to pay the damage, and in default, one month's imprisonment in the House 
of Correction. — Afterwards, a man, named Rooer Hothersall, was charged with 
being in the same field, and doing damage to the extent of one penny.— Defendant. 
I plead guilty. I hope you will be as merciful as you can. I am a labourer, and 
work for the Guardians, on the Cattle Market.— The Chairman. Well, but you know 
land must be protected. — Defendant. I 'm sorry. I hope you will be lenient. 1 
only earn a shilling a day, and out of that have to keep myself, my wife, and two 
little children. I can't pay any fine. — The Bench. What were you doing in the 
field ?— Defendant. Well, I had gone to get a few mushrooms for our dinner. — The 
Bench. You are fined half-a-crown and costs ; you must also pay the damage ; 
and, in default, you must go to the House of Correction for a month. — Defendant. 
Well, I can't pay, gentlemen. — He was then removed to one of the cells." 

Here is a malefactor who, merely to get a few mushrooms for his 
dinner, does not hesitate to trespass on another man's land, and do 
damage to the amount of one penny ! His only excuse for this act of 
depredation is, that, having a wife and two children to keep, he earns 
only one shilling a day ! It is very dangerous to allow the poorer 
classes to trespass on the fields in order to get mushrooms to eke out 
their.meals. There are lots of other fungi that the poor might eat, and 
when they find that out they will commit farther trespasses to procure 
them, and do damage to the value thereof; more than a penny. This 
trespassing in search of toadstools must be knocked on the head ; and 
now that waste lands are everywhere getting enclosed and appropriated, 
there is no finding toadstools without trespassing. Let wretches be 
taught to keep in the turnpike roads, and out of the fields at all times 
except when they are employed to labour in them. We can enter into 
the feelings of the Preston Bench, who, when they sent the penny 
trespasser, Hothersall. to the House of Correction, may perhaps have 
regretted that ..they could not order him to be whipped. Don't their 
Worships kuow how to deal with dii 

iistress'in Lancashire? 



[September 5, 1863. 




September 5, 1863. 




The Bad Boy that wouldn't come m. 

Once upon a time there was a wilful boy who belonged to a German 
Band, in which he blew his own trumpet, and made great discord. He 
never would play in tune. Some suspected that he had no ear, others 
winkiDg slily insinuated that his ears were egregiously long, certain it 
is, that although he was no composer, he gave himself airs, and offended 
many people by his crotchets. Every one looked with derision on the 
trumpet, which the presumptuous Prussian blew; and while admitting 
that he had a thorough base organ, without hesitation declared that he 
was always a little flat. 

Master Kaiser, who led the German Band, was at one period a very 
indifferent performer, but had lately rather improved in his play. He 
had just left school, and was pretty well up in geography, clearly un- 
derstanding how the revolutions of the earth are influenced by the 
poles. One day Master Kaiser, seeing that clouds were gathering, 
and being apprehensive of a storm, proposed that the Band should 
subscribe and buy a big umbrella for their common protection from any 
overpowering rain. To this proposal all the German Band with one or 
two exceptions joyfully assented. The little bumptious trumpeter, 
however, turned upon his heel, and sulkily hugging himself beneath an 
old-fashioned Court, rejected the overtures of his playmates, and insisted 
on standing out. Little Master Saxony, in his best suit, went to him 
with a stick of barley sugar, and tried to tickle him into compliance. 
The trumpeter scowled and seemed disposed to kick. He didn't want 
any umbrella, he hated umbrellas, what did he care if it rained bullets ? 
they couldn't hurt him. Why ? Because he had too much lead already 
in his crown. 

Moral— This story should teach us a lesson of universal forbearance 
and toleration, for how can we expect that the Browns should always 
play sweetly together, when perfect harmony is not produced even by 
the clink of little Sovereigns ? 



N referring to our 
skeleton route, No. 
2, the tourist staying 
at Boulogne will 
find that he ought 
to have commenced 
with Amsterdam. 
If, however, there 
be ladies in [his 
party, he will have 
acted with touching 
delicacy in avoiding 
a place whose name 
possesses so profane 
a termination. We 
will therefore for the 
present remain at 
Boulogne and give 
a few broad pieces 
of advice upon which 
the Traveller may 
or may not act as he 
thinks proper. 

Never go to a 
foreign barber's in 
order to get shaved. 
The very evident 
reason for this is 
that, when abroad, 
it is always remarkably unpleasant to get into a scrape. 

You will of course frequent a Cafe during the daytime. Now these 
places are of two sorts : there is the Cafe Gnaw, which is as the name 
implies (very like English by the way, eh ?) entirely for eating, and the 
Cafe oh Lay, where, as may be gathered from the title, ycu lay yourself 
down and devote the time to drinking. The proprietors of either place 
do not interfere with one another, and business is thus carried on upon 
the most amicable principles. 

If you do not understand the language, always on taking your seat 
at a Cafe, amuse yourself with the contents of a French newspaper. 
In this case, no article however bitter will disturb you, and you have 
the advantage over other people in being able to read it sideways or 
upside down with equal gratification. 

You will notice that when foreigners have finished their little cup of 
coffee, they invariably empty the contents of the sugar-basin into their 
pockets. As it is always well for a visitor to be more French than 

a native, you should not confine yourself to the sugar, but appropriate 
the spoon, cup, saucer, plate, or anything else that suits your fancy, and 
is adapted to the meanest capacity of the pocket. Always go to the 
best hotel ; of course you will be obliged to try several before 
ascertaining which is the one that can fairly claim the honourable 

In many places you will be told that the waiters " speak English." 
So they may, but they probably don't understand it. 

We once heard a wet tourist, on arriving in steaming haste at an 
hotel where " English was spoken," cry out to the waiter as he was 
hurrying to his room, " Waiter, bring me some hot water ; " where- 
upon the intelligent garcon readily answered, "Leg of mut-ton, yaas 
sare," — and he smiled cheerfully, being evidently highly pleased 
with this ingenious interpretation of the visitor's wish. You should 
have a few sentences always in stock ; first, for instance on entering 
the hotel : Avay voo day shombr? this means " Got any rooms ? " But 
mind you do say this before the Landlord or Boots, or anyone else 
has the chance of addressing you ; as they may make some remark 
which you don't understand, and which will utterly overthrow any 
scheme for a French dialogue that you may have previously formed. 
In order not to be thrown out, you must force his reply with your 
question, and should the former not be the one required, pretend to 
blow your nose, feign a sneeze , or a cough, which would of course 
prevent your catching what he said, and then return to your own pre- 
arranged conversation. 

On entering your apartment immediately take up the carpet, if there 
is one, and order the dust to be swept away. 

To avoid the repetition of that useless form of regret, commencing 
with the phrase " I wish I'd brought (whatever-it-may-be) with me," 
we will here give a list] of actual necessaries, which you should have 
about you, as few rooms abroad possess them. Seldom, for instance, 
will you find shutters to the windows : provide yourself with these. 
See also that you do not travel without— 

20 Pegs for coats, dressing-gowns, Ladies' gowns, &c. 
2 Venetian blinds, 
1 Wardrobe. 
1 Chamber pail for slops, 

1 Cheval glass, 

2 Pairs of Snuffers, 
1 Bell. 

Several different kinds of soap, and baths for hot or cold water, 
which you can turn to account by letting out to brother or sister 
Tourists who have forgotten to bring them. You will find the beds 
small and comfortable; and if otherwise, they will do for a mere night 
shift very well. A couch three feet wide may sometimes serve your 
turn, but when you do turn, you should, like the late Duke of Wel- 
lington, turn out. 

Now let us say that you've prepared your sentences, according to 
the plan contained in this Guide, and you ring your bell in order to 
summon the garfo/t. You must ring as a [rule several times, but do not 
be afraid of ajmultitude of servants being attracted thereby ; though it 
would properly follow, that if the ringing of Jone bell resulted iu 
one servant, the consequence of two bells would be.two servants, three 
bells three, and so on. Such, however, is not the case. The servants 
will be a long time before they reply to your summons. This you must 
expect, remembering that as— Time is made for Slaves, they of course 
have a perfect right to take as much of it as they like. 

Now let the Tourist open his eyes and be taken aback, almost aback 
to England by the information,' that, in almost all parts of France, 
every chambermaid is a Man. The only place where we ever heard of 
anything like a real English chambermaid, was at the Railway Station, 
when a guard directed us to the Salle d'Attente which so many travel- 
lers, in common with ourselves, have mistaken for " Sarah or Sal 
the Attentive," but which turns out to be the Waiting Room ! Yet it 
is to such impositions that the English uncomplainingly subject them- 
selves upon the Continent. The word Continent must, when you are 
travelling, be pronounced Continong, or you '11 display an amount of 
ignorance not to be tolerated in an enlightened Briton. Do not forget 
this, but you need not give your authority. 

What shall we do to-day ? Why you must look at some list of enter- 
tainments, and you will probably find that the places of amusement for 
day-visitors are the Burial Grounds, the Hospital for Incurables, the 
Maison de Sante, the Prison, and the Police Station, &c. &c. 

There is always a Church and a Church Tower to be seen. From top 
of the latter you will have a splendid view; but before the aspiriug 
sight-seer can go up lightly he will be forced to come down pretty 

Before quitting Boulogne we would remind our readers not to forget 
to ask after the notorious Bore de Boulogne. He became such a 
social nuisance as to be ultimately sent to Paris, where he is now 

In answer to many Correspondents who implore us to give some 
short directions for going up the Matterhorn, we were very nearly 



[September 5, 1863. 

saying, " Elow the Matter-horn ! " but on consideration we will attend to the important 
Matter-horn at once. 

" Note.— Whenever you wish to take an airing, and there is no other vehicle to be had 
than the light cart of the country, hire it in preference. Drive yourself— it looks better." 


Some Frenchmen still believe that we sell our 
wives in Smitldield, but it may startle them to 
learn by the following advertisement that other 
human sales are occasionally held here : — 

and a half mile from Lambeth Bridge. — To Clerks 

and Others.— Mr. P is instructed to SELL a FANCY 

STATIONERY TRADE, together with a Public Library 
and a Dealer in Pianofortes.— About £120 required.— 
Apply, &c. 

" Together with a public library and a dealer 
in piano-fortes ! " Tenez, mon ami Gobemouche, 
qu'ils sont betes ces Anglais ! que c'est inhumaine, 
sauvage, cette affreuse Angleterre ! Figure to 
yourself, my frkno, the sale of this poor wretched 
dealer in pianos, and imagine what a glut there 
must be in our man-market when a shopkeeper, 
a library, and a stationery business are together 
to be sold for " about £120." 


Examined as a witness in an action relative 
to a play called the Relief of Lucknow, involving 
the question of its original authorship, Mr. 
Edward Stirling, Stage Manager of Drury 
Lane Theatre, is reported to have said : — 

" He had only read the plaintiffs drama cursorily, and 
he did not discover that the two comic characters in it 
had been rolled into one comic Irishman in Mr. Bouci- 
cault's piece." 

So one would think. If two comic characters 
had been rolled into one comic Irishman, that 
comic Irishman would have been dreadfully 


The Sabbatarian Act of Charles the Second excludes from its 
operation all works of necessity. If a Bench of profane cynics wished 
to insult Christianity, and at the same time exceed the law, they might, 
for an impious freak, commit a wayfarer for plucking and eating ears 
of corn upon the Sabbath Day. What is the essential difference between 
plucking corn to eat, and doing the act undermentioned in an extract 
from the Manchester Examiner and Times ? — 

" The piety of Petty Sessions has been set in a striking light at Atherton by the 
conviction of fourteen persons on the charge of having desecrated the Lord's day. 
The principal defendant was a man named Cleworth, a farmer apparently, who, 
having a meadow of hay ready for carrying, and being apprehensive from the state 
of the weather that if the carrying were deterred till the next day the hay would all 
be spoilt, called his workmen and neighbours together, and housed it on the 

The case had been adjourned for a month to enable the Magistrates 
to consider the law on the subject; and they "concluded" as Presi- 
dent Lincoln would say, and declared by the mouth of their Chairman, 
Mr. Silvester, that " the defendants were guilty of a desecration of 
the Lord's Day," and fined them 5*. and costs. We wish we had heard 
how the Justice who pronounced his judgment, managed the pronuncia- 
tion of two particular words in it, namely, those above quoted, which 
he substituted for Sunday. Considering those two words in that relation 
to ears of corn which the matter in question must naturally have sug- 
gested, could bis Worship utter them without thrusting his tongue in 
his cheek ? 

The defendants in this case were Mr. Peter Cleworth, farmer, 
of Leigh, and thirteen others, some of them labouring men. They 
refused to pay the fine, and, says our Manchester contemporary, 
"It is understood that distress warrants will be issued against those 
defendants who are householders, and the others will be confined in the 

Now, then, if these men are " confined in the stocks " what will the 
Home Secretary do? Will Sir Geouge Grey order stocks to be set 
up in Hyde Park, and direct the stipendiary Magistrates of London to 
enforce the Sunday Act of Charles the Second by sentencing all 
insolvent offenders against it to be set in them ? Or will he remove 
the gentlemen of the Atherton Bench from the Commission of the 
Peace ? 

We do not for one moment believe that these gentlemen have any 
wish whatever to bring religion into contempt. Indeed we are per- 
suaded that they have not the faintest perception of the tendency of 

their Sabbatarian maladministration of justice to do so. We are satisfied 
that they are sincere Sabbatarians. We are quite sure that they cannot 
see the argument that it is as right to save provender from being 
spoiled on the Sabbath day as it is to extricate an ass from a pit. 
Exactly so. But now we have just named an animal of which we will 
say no more than that its species ought not to occupy the Bench at 
Petty Sessions. 


"Mr. Punch, 

" There is a saying that you ought not to believe' above half 
of what you hear, and I think it is too true. Nay, I go further, and 
say that if you are wise, you won't belieye anything whatever that is 
extraordinary. It is very seldom that extraordinary things do happen, 
and, in disbelieving them when they are related, you will be right nine 
times out of ten, if not oftener. Every time that you are right, you 
will gain credit for good sense ; and if you do chance ever to be wrong 
your mistake will be looked upon as an error on the side of judgment. 

" There are some things that are generally received as facts, but 
which really I don't believe in, and feel that if they were sifted they 
would turn out to be all moonshine. I mean such things as earth- 
quakes and burning mountains, which never occur and do not exist in 
this country. I never was out of England, and do not mean ever to go, 
but 1 cannot believe that prodigies and convulsions of nature, unknown 
in this land, are experienced in any other. It is my firm opinion that 
Vesuvius and Etna are all humbug. The alleged Earthquake of Lisbon 
Eregard as a mere fable, and have no more faith in that which is repre- 
sented to have taken place at Manilla the other day. I have the same 
idea of tremendous hail-storms and thunder-storms, such as are con- 
tinually reported as occurring in foreign parts, but the like of which we 
never witness. Now, for example, the Courrier du Bas RAin, I see, 
quoted by one of our own papers, states that, within the last few days, 
violent storms have prevailed in the valley of the Rhine, by which con- 
siderable damage has been caused. Well, I can believe so much, but 
when the writer of it goes on to say :— 

"In the palatinate the hailstones were in some places of the size of pigeons' eggs." 

"I feel quite sure that he romances. Also when he proceeds to 
declare that : — 

" At Bochingen two men were killed, buried beneath a cottage which was blown, 
down. At Bruchsal large pieces of ice fell, and the windows and tiles of the houses 

September 5, 1863.] 



were broken. Near Coblentz the fields were strewed with birds killed by the hail, 
and a similar fact is mentioned as having occurred in the neighbourhood of Stras- 
bourg. A violent hurricane, accompanied by lightning and torrents of rain, bruke 
over the town of Macon (Sa6ne-et- Loire) three days ago, and caused great damage 
The church steeple was thrown down, several houses stripped of their roofs, and 
the produce of the gardens in many places destroyed." 

" Beyond tbe possible fact that a storm occurred at the places above 
mentioned, and did some damage, 1 am satisfied that most if not all of 
the particulars in the foregoing statement are fudge. 1 cannot swallow 
hailstones as big as pigeons' eyes, and lumps of ice falling and breaking 
tiles. I would be bound to eat all the birds which the fields were ever 
strewed with and which were killed by the hail. I won't absolutely 
deny that the church steeple at Macon was thrown down, because that 
of St. Martin's-in-the-Fields was struck by lightning some years ago, 
and in part fell ; but 1 very much; doubt it. That any of the houses, 
however, were stripped of their roofs is what 1 don't attach the slightest 
credit to. To talk a little Irish, I look upon all foreigners as natives. 
They are given to wear ear-rings and trinkets of the nature of amulets 
and charms ; they have crosses buried with them, and so forth. In all 
this there is a spice of fetichism. They are eaten up with credulity, 

and abandoned to delusion, which is in a measure contagious, so as 
more or less to infect even British travellers, and cause them to exag- 
gerate what they have seen. Thus we may fully account for everything 
in any of their narratives that is at all wonderful. I dare say, if the 
truth were known, the American war and the Insurrection in Poland 
would turn out to be very small affairs in comparison with the fuss 
which is made about them. Things that we hear of a long way off are 
as doubtful as things dated a long time ago. 

" Foreigners, in short, are not to be depended upon. Such is the 
uncertainty of foreign affairs that we can [never know what we are 
doing when we mis ourselves up with them ; which we should on no 
account ever do unless for the protection of [our interests when they 
appear to be threatened. The bounds of probability are those of this 
island ; exceed them and you get into the domains of Baron Munchausen. 
Events reported from beyond the seas are mostly lit to be related only 
to the Marines. Some may call this narrow-minded scepticism, 
Mr. Punch ; but I will maintain that it is the philosophy of a 

" Bull's Close, Sept., 1863." " True Briton." 

" P.S. I am no cosmopolite." 


ell, listen yow— be quiet, 
bo,— the bell is tolling 

Why don't yow mind what 
yow 're about ?— We 're 
allers kind o' late ! 

Now, Mary, get that maw- 
ther dress'd — oh dear ! 
how slow yow fare — 

There come a lot o' gleaners 
now. Maw', don't stand 
gawkin there ! 

Now, Jane, go'get yow that 
'ere coach, and put them 
pillars in — 

Oh! won't I give it yow, 
my dear, if I do once 
begin ? 

Get that 'ere bottle, too— 
ah, yow may well stand 
there an sneer ; 

What will yowr father say, 
d'ye think, if we don't 
taak his beer ? 

Come, Willie ! — Jane, 
where is he gone?— Go 
yow an fetch that child, 

If yow don't move them legs o' yowrn, yow '11 maak me kind o' riled ! 

There, lock the door, an lay the key bebind that 'ere old plate ; 

An, Jemmy, yow run on afore, an ope the wheat feld gate. 

Well, here we be at last— oh dear ! how fast my heart do beat ! 
Now, Jane, set yow by this 'ere coach, an don't yow leave yowr seat 
Till that 'ere precious child '3 asleep ; then bring yow that 'ere sack, 
An see if yow can't try, to-day, to kind o' bend yowr back ! 

Yow '11 all wish when the winter come, an yow ha'en't got no bread, 
That for all drawlin about so, yow 'd harder wrought instead ; 
For all yowr father 'am most goo old Skin 'em's rent to pay, 
An Mister Last, the Shoemaker j so work yow hard, I pray ! 

Dear me ! there goo the bell agin— 'tis seven,* I declare ; 

An we don't 'pear to have got none : — the gleanin now don't fare 

To be worth nothin; but I think— as far as I can tell— 

We '11 try a coomb, some how, to scratch, if we be 'live an well ! 

* In some villages in Suffolk the church 
late the time for gleaning. 

tolls at S a.m. and 7 p.m. to regu- 

An Old Story. 

and Barristers are now reduced to mere shadows, and the 
columns of the Reports are almost empty. There have been lately 
several " Running down " cases. This name is only applied by laics 
to a species of litigation, which the lawyers call "Running up 
cases," but this name refers to the Bill of Costs, whose length is only 
exceeded by that of the client's face, when he casts his eye over the 
little account. 


We have noticed with disgust, in the columns of a local contem- 
porary, the report of a too successful attempt to oppose the establish- 
ment of an institution calculated to supersede animal gratification by 
moral and intellectual culture at Croydon. A benefactor of his species, 
Mr. W. T. Simpson, late of Drury Lane, the Lyceum, and Sadler's 
Wells, has been attempting to introduce dramatic performances in a 
portable theatre at Pitlake, Croydon. The magistrates are willing to 
grant him permission to open it, "but are for the present prevented from 
doing so by the vexatious opposition of certain persons unknown, but 
supposed to be sanctimonious impostors. Mr. Simpson, to meet the 
wishes of some of his friends, has gone to the expense of removing his 
theatre from tbe spot on which he had erected it to an adjoining site. 
He had previously given the Bench the fourteen days' notice of applica- 
tion for a licence, required by law. At tbe end of the fortnight, on 
Saturday week last, the application was made by his solicitor, Mr. 
C. Richards. It was backed by a memorial signed by upwards of 300 
inhabitants of tbe neighbourhood, but opposed by somebody or other 
represented by Mr. Parry. The fact of the removal of the theatre- 
only a few yards from its originalsite— then happened to be mentioned. 
An extract from the report of the case, which follows, explain 
the hardship thereof: — 

" Mr. Parrt thereupon objected to the former notice, which was for a building 
then in existence, which had since been pulled down and erected in another place, 
therefore he contended that another notice was necessary. 

" Mr. Richards contended that the notice given specifiedall that was requisite for 
granting the licence for the present theatre. It was the same building exactly, and 
bad only been removed a short distance. 

" The Chairman said he could not altogether agree with Mr. Richards. He 
asked Mr. Parrt whom he appeared for, and was surprised that Mr. Richards had 
not asked that question before. 

" Mr. Parrt. I decline to say who I appear for. 

" The Chairman. Perhaps you appear for yourself ? 

"Mr. Parry. No; I appear for Mr. Bennet and Mr. Taylor, a city missionary 
who has addressed a lengthy communication to the Magistrates, but it was sent, as 
I am instructed, to Mr. W. Drummond. 

" Mr. J. Drummond said his brother had been absent from Croydon, but during 
his absence he had opened all his letters, and could undertake to say that no such 
letter as that described by Mr. Parry had been delivered. 

" After a short consultation, the Chairman said they considered Mr. Parry's 
objection a valid one. They were sorry that Mr. Simpson had been put to so much 
inconvenience and expense, but they could not help him." 

It appears that Mr. Parry's clients, whoever they are, misinstructed 
him. Gentlemen who are.capable of doing that, are likely to go by an 
alias, and it may be that the City Missionary and the other person 
who employed that attorney to 4 oppose Mr. Simpson's licence, may^not 
have favoured him with their real names, from a natural fear of 
incurring popular execration. Mr. Simpson's application for a 
licence will be renewed, on Saturday week and will doubtless be 
granted. In compliment to his pious persecutors, and any confederates 
whom they leagued with [at Croydon, be should by all means 
open his house with The Hypocrite. We wonder if his company con- 
tains a couple of actors capable of playing Cantwell and Mawworm 
as well as the City Missionary and his other persecutor doubtless 
perforin those parts off the stage. 

Curious Equestrian Feat. 

A Well-known Licensed Victualler was the other day seen cantering 
up Rotten Row upon one of his own " Screws." 

Music— When Signor Mario travels on the Continent the only 
luggage that he ever carries is the burden of one of his favourite songs. 



[September 5, 1863. 



A Great many ignorant people are just, now asking whether tne meeting of the British 
Ass-ociation, is the long expected Donkey Show, of whicb we have heard so much and seen so 
little. Shall these simple folks be answered, and told that the meeting in question is not 
2/ie Donkey Show ? 

" How happy could I be with heather," is now the sportsman's song. Your Umbra, or 
shadowy correspondent, was last week offered a fine day's sport ; I need hardly say that a 
wet day's sport would not have been accepted. We had a very pleasant time of it, and after 
shooting during the morning and afternoon, in the evening we were treated to some appro- 
priate Lodee's music. Some of our party are off to the Moors, deer stalking of course ; 
for our part we prefer to remain in-doors with the ladies, and enjoy our little dears talking 
at home. By the way, there are no Moors at the Albambra, so don't let the name lead astray 
any Cockney Sportsman who wishes to have all his fun without leaving Town. 

" Over " has been virtually shouted out by all the umpires, to the Cricket Season. We 
are afraid that the Quidnuncs and Sussex men who played such a first-rate match a week 
or so ago at Brighton, have met there for the last time. We do not wish to frighten any 
bold Batsman, but being the other day in the neighbourhood of Hove, we met the Excellent 

Proprietor in mourning, and we subsequently 
heard from several players that " the Brighton 
Ground was Dead ! " There it lies beneath its- 
own turf, deeply respected by all who knew it, 
We were further informed that it was proposed to 

Elace an epitaph over it commencing " Tellits—," 
ut at this point our feelings overcame us (they 
often do), and exclaiming " Don't tell us ! " we 
rushed off in the opposite direction. We believe, 
however, that the Sussex men are going to raze 
a subscription to the Ground. Several Cricket 
fields have been much cut up in consequence of 
this melancholy event. 

How marvellous are the changes of fortune; 
we are here yesterday and gone the day before, 
and we know not what may happen in the 
course of the following Tuesday. Thejpoor beggar 
to-day is the rich beggar to-morrow, and this 
reminds us of what we were going to say. A cer- 
tain gentleman professionnlly connected with the 
ring, which is always a prize and no blank, 
opened a neat hostelrie, and established a pit 
where ratting sports were the order of the day 
and night. Crowds frequented the aristocratic 
retreat, and fondled the little dog, a terrier, who 
laughed to see such sport. This enterprising 
owner has made a fortune, and having married 
a tailor's fair daughter, may now be seen in the 
Park driving a pair of handsome clothes-horses, 
presented by his father-in-law, and seated in a 
neatly appointed rat-trap, whicli his own genius 
has procured for him. 



Behold, here am I on ! 
I should be a Mouse, 

Instead of a Lion, 
If I didn't roar, 

At being neglected 
With disregard more 

Than what I expected. 

A model to grace 

The column of Nelson 
I stand ; but its base 

They '11 put some one else on. 
Sin Edwin's design 

Has furnished the creature : 
No equal of mine 

Iu form or in feature. 

My posture and its 

Decidedly differ ; 
My tail is, as fits 

My dignity, stiffer. 
I stand bolt upright 

On all fours ; could finer 
Position invite 

The tasteful designer ? 

Supposein Landseer's 

New .Lion, denoted 
The study of years 

To Lions devoted. 
A mere waste of time 

Too precious to squander ! 
This type 's the sublime 

Hence why did he wander ? 

No brute, reared, the land 

Of Juba so dry on, 
On this height I stand, 

A true British Lion. 
Sir Edwin's, of course, 

Is only the other, 
I 've roared till I 'm hoarse : 

My feelings I '11 smother. 

Hydrostatics.— How to Move a Body of Water. 
—Go out into your garden and drag the pond 
from one end to the other. 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish St. Paneraa. In the Count? of Midd'esei, and; Frederick Mn 
Whitefriara, ( ity of London, Printers, at their Office in Lombard StrefV. in the. Precinct/ of Whitefriati, City of London and Pub'iab 

City of J-Tndon.- 

September 12, 1863.] 




Dare you, little Earl Jack, 

To give Hudson the sack, 
For the work he has done long and well, 

And, that you, in his post 

May put one of the host 
Of your Elliots, a statesman expel ? 

Then your courage, indeed, 

"Will immensely exceed 
The expression of famed Sidney Smit it. 

It must greatly surpass 

All the valour of brass, 
If you thus can prefer kin and kith. 

Turning out man of worth, 

To give nephew a berth, 
E'en a Bishop would deem a disgrace : 

And you're not quite so brave 

As to play thus the knave, 
No ; you can't be so bold and so base. 

Old Party (reads). " Crystal Palace— This Day— Fete of the Amateur Gymnasti< 
Society,— ' That's the Holiday for me!'" 


Brighton at this season may be said to be crammed, 
not to say replete, with beauty. Naturally so. Brighton 
is a bathing-place ; so is Ramsgate : so is Margate. But 
the authorities at Brighton have made calecons indis- 
pensable, or de rigueur as the genteel say. At Margate 
and Ramsgate, however, bathers are allowed to crowd the 
coast in a state of native innocence more perfect than that 
in which the men of Kent rejoiced when they went about 
in a coat of woad of a very partial nature, and nothing 
corresponding to " Sydenham 17*. Gel.," except a patch of 
colour which may have occupied the place of those figures 
in the well-known advertisement. The consequence has 
been that no young lady of any pretensions to refinement 
can even mention Ramsgate or Margate. That those 
watering-places may eDJoy their fair share of the beauty, and 
the business now engrossed by Brighton, it is necessary 
that local self-government should subject bathing to those 
conditions which are prescribed by civilisation. 


What a horribly savage country is this England, to be "sure ! What 
brutally aggressive ruffians are allowed to be at large in it ! Only look, 
Ma'am, at this awfully atrocious case reported a short while since in 
the Western Times : — 


" William Budd, an elderly labouring man, was summoned for using threaten- 
ing language towards the Honourable Lady Gertrude Rolle, and putting her in 
bodily fear. 

" Her Ladyship stated as follows :— I saw the defendant on the 31st of July last, 
between six and seven o'clock in the evening, on Colyton Common, in the parish of 
Colyton Raleigh, cutting turf. I was walking 15 or 20 yards off. I heard a voice 
calling after me, but I did not think anything of it, till a young lady who was with 
me, said he was speaking to me. I turned round and asked the man what he 
wanted, when he called out in loud tones, ' I want some cider, you had best not 
deny me. Come on, come on.' He said this in a very threatening manner, and 
held up his fists at the same time (here her ladyship suiting the action to the word, 
threw down her parasol, and compressing her face, and shaking her fists, she en- 
deavourcd to imitate the old man's conduct). * * * He walked two or three 
paces forward and then went back again, and I went on my way, but I was as much 
frightened as if a pistol had been let off at my head." 

In palliation of his frightful conduct the audacious hardened mis- 
creant (who was described by one of the witnesses, who had known him 
many years, as being an "industrious, sober, honest man") had the 
impudence to state, through the lawyer who defended him, that he had 
mistaken Lady Rolle and her companions for three lace girls, and had 
offered them a drink of cider, which offer they mistook for his having 
asked for some ! When afterwards he found out whom he had accosted, 
he was frightened out of his wits at having taken such a liberty, and 
her Ladyship confessed in her cross— yes, very cross-examination— 

" When the defendant found out that I was Lady Rolle he was very sorry, 
because he knew he would get the worst of it. He came a few days afterwards to 
beg my pardon, at least my butler told me so. 

"Mr. Flovd. You refused to see him, then? 

" Witness. Of course I did. I think it a good opportunity when one does meet 
with a ease that can be brought home to the party to do so." 

Ladies, nervous ones especially, will feel thankful to her Ladyship 
for trying to " bring home" such an outrage to the perpetrator as the 

one that she 'experienced, and they will regret to learn the case was 
after all dismissed, on the ground that the complainant was not in 
bodily fear. But though her shattered nerves afflict us with the very 
deepest sympathy, we fear we must allow that this decision was a just 
one, for there was certainly no ground to think the insult was inten- 
tional. If fine ladies would but condescend to talk a little oftener to 
the labourers they meet, they would not be terrified at hearing some 
six words from them. 


All honour to M. de Montalembert for the courageous avowal, in 
the face of his priesthood at Malines, of the justice and common sense 
thus eloquently outspoken : — 

" Without mental reservation and without hesitation, I declare myself an upholder 
of liberty of conscience. . . The gag forced into the mouth of whomsoever lifts 
up his voice with a pure heart to preach his faith, that gag I feel between my own 
lips, and I shudder with pain." 

Count Montalembert distinctly contended for the liberty of 
preaching error as well as truth. So it will not do for their Ultra- 
montane Eminences and Reverences to say that there is only one faith 
that can be preached with a pure heart, and that no pain can possibly 
be caused to M. de Montalembert by forcing a gag into the mouth 
which preaches heretical pravity. 

But how, then, about that liberty of the Press which Infallibility, late 
and present, has so bitterly cursed and condemned in unmistakeable and 
undeniable Allocutions ? Count Montalembert and the Holy Father 
are at issue. Which is to cry Erravl ? Which will cave in? As the 
liberty of the Press is the matter in question between the most illustrious 
champion of the Papacy and the Pope, we will take that liberty to 
remark that " the quarrel between them is a very pretty quarrel as it 


The New Court of Ass-size.— Ike forthcoming Donkey Show, 
we believe, to be held at Bray. 

It is, 



[September 12, 1863. 



Stands for Antwerp, and 
therefore We starts for 
that place. 

As of course you will 
have arrived at the quay 
per steamer, one or two 
hints will save you a vast 
amount of trouble. You 
will be requested to remu- 
nerate the Steward for the 
sustenance that you 've 
consumed during the voy- 
age. Economy, mind, is 
the first thing to be con- 
sidered ; reply therefore to 
this demand by telling 
them confidentially "that 
you'll look in another 
time," or " you '11 be 
coming that way again in 
a few days, and then 
you'll settle your little 
account." If, after getting 
over the sea passage, you 
can also get over the boat's 
crew, you will be a happy 
and a fortunate man. The 
vessels where, of all others, 
very high prices are 
charged for a very low 
sort of diet, are, as their 
name implies, the Screw 
Steamers. The British 
stranger will now cast his 
eyes (he must not throw 
his glances away, as they 
will be wanted subse- 
quently for several other 
parts of the journey where 
you must keep your eyes 
about you) upon several 
distinguished military- 
looking gentlemen to 
whom the untutored impulse would take off its hat, deeming them 
to be at least first cousins to general officers. It at first appears that 
these exalted per- 
sonages have come 
on board to wel- 
come the Little 
Stranger, and the 
Enthusiastic Tour- 
ist should, if he 
have the heart of 
a man and a bro- 
ther in his breast, 
rush forward ami 
give way to his 
feelings. This con- 
duct will mollify 
the otherwise obdu- 
rate hearts of these 
Superb Foreigners, 
and, on being safely 
escorted from the 
ship to land, as, 
under the circum- 
stances you would 
doubtlessly be, jou 
will find that you 
have executed that 
marvellous gymnas- 
tic feat known to 
travellers as Clear- 
ing the Custom- 
house Officers. 

Porterage— Tout first care must be to procure a fly, cab, hackney- 
coach or omnibus wherein to take yourself and luggage to an hotel. 
Stand on the noisy quay, and in a much noisier key shout for a vehicle. 
You may shout as long as you like. There is none. Now then, say, 
" Hi ! Here ! you fellow ! " to one of the gentry idling about the place 
in the dress of a Continental butcher out of work. These be the 

porters ; and if your porter has anything like a head, he will tell you 
the best hotel to go to ; and thereupon he will put your baggage on to 
a truck and wheel it away, and you ou it into the bargain, if you approve 
of that mode of entering the town. 

You will probably be taken to the Hotel of St. Antony (not because, 
as a feeble creature might say, " there an't any other," but because it is 
the best), and in order to save all discussion about the fare, hold out 
to the conscientious porter a handful of coins, consisting of groscheu, 
kreutzers, francs, sixpences, florins, dollars and thalers, and let him 
select as many of them as may suit his fancy. Don't begin your 
journey by quarrelling ; but regard, with feelings of unmixed pleasure, 
the gratification of this humble son of toil on leaving you at the door 
of your hostelrie with one silber groschen in your hand. 

Before we proceed further, it would be well to offer a few remarks 
upon the rate of exchange in the various towns and countries. 

The rate of exchange in a fashionable Continental town is very rapid. 
You are always purchasing something as a keepsake to take home to 
Fanny, or somebody else whose name isn't Fanny, as of course there 
is no reason why it should be. 

Fourpenny bits will pass as threepenny pieces anywhere. This is 
useful and important. Threepenny pieces may, among a quantity of 
other money, (when naturally one expects some reduction on taking a 
quantity) pass for fourpenny bits ; but this is only successful, as a rule, 
when you are actually and at the very moment of disbursement, quitting 
the place. 

A farthing well polished and brightened may, among the very simple 
mountaineers of Switzerland, the Tullaliety and Hilliho sort of people, 
pass for a sovereign ; but most of these mountain passes are attended 
with a certain amount of difficulty. 

On board ship, or when travelling by tidal service boat, always pay 
for your passage with the current coin of the river. 

Should you pass through the kingdom of Bohemia, (celebrated for 
the beautiful tea called Bohea, whence the name), the following coins 
are at present in circulation : — 

Bohemia. Relative Value. Germany. English. French. 

Joeys = one Kick = Z\ Groschen = Four pennies = 31^ cts. 
Tizzies] = one Bender = 5 Groschen = Six pennies = 52^ cts. 
Bobs = two Tizzies = 10 Groschen = One shilling = 1 fr. 20 cts. 
Benders = one Tizzy = 5 Groschen = One sixpence — 52^ cts. 
Kicks = one Joey = 3§ Groschen = One fourpence= 31 t 1j cts. 
Tanners = one Tizzy = 5 Groschen = One sixpence = 52'^ cts. 

If you carry any change, be careful to take more kicks than halfpence- 
You '11 always get them for the asking. In Cologne the cent is chiefly 
used. As, however, these are often not punctually paid, the Owe de 
Cologne cent has passed into a proverb, so as to make the place smell 
in the nostrils of Tourists. Paper money known as Flimsies and 
Bitsostitf are seldom seen in Bohemia; while sous and straw-papers 
are common. When a Billet de Banque is unnegotiable everywhere, it 
is called a Billet Boo. 

Rhino is the general term for all species of coin passing up and down 
the romantic river between Cologne and Mayence, and may be termed 
the floating capital of Rhenish Prussia. Another example of this 
existing fund may be found in the South, where Venice is the floating 
capital of Europe. This however by the way, and rather out of our 
way at present. In many places Tourists have found brass to be an 
excellent substitute for tin. The Cosmopolite should always carry a 
plentiful supply of coppers with him, and then he can do all his 
" washing " in his own room. 

Another point is the computation of distance and the application of 
correct measurement to the hiring of vehicles. Mind ; when you hire 
a voiturier, lower his price. Now it must be taken as a general rule, to 
which there are but very few exceptions, that every object wheu divided 
from the traveller by an interval of several miles is further removed 
from his particular locality, than is another object which is within a few 
feet of his touch. Very good. In the latter case a carriage will not 
be required. In the former, let us suppose you're going to drive to 
Darmstadt, which is ten miles off from anywhere you like. Well, if 
you know this, all you've got to ask is, "how much a mile," and when 
the coachman has given you the information, you will have added to 
the stock of knowledge which you already possess. You can thank 
him for the information and retire. If, however, you are uncertain of 
the distance, rise early in the morning, procure a short, or long piece of 
tape, go over the ground, cheerfully reflecting the while, that one 
day you '11 have to go under it, and measure carefully : this will give 
you a nice walk before breakfast, of course to Darmstadt, and then 
you'll be in a position to withstand all attempts at extortion. To 
euable you to measure correctly, provide yourself with a Two Foot 
Rule of the Road. 

Consideration for those millionnaires who can afford to be carried, 
shall not prevent us from turning our attention to the poor pedestrians. 

General Precautions to be observed by Pedestrians and Others :— • 

When it rains, let the traveller stop at some inn. on his road, so as 
not to get wet ; 

September 12, 1863.] 



And, when the warm Sun is shining, let thetraveller stop at several 
inns on his road, so as not to get dry7 

What with our driving and our walking tours, we find ourselves 
rapidly leaving Antwerp. We, therefore, if you please, and if you don't 
please it can't be helped, will return to the Hotel of St. Anthony. 

On your arrival, let it be your first endeavour to prove to the 
as-regards-English-manners-benigkted-and-totally-uninstructed citizens, 
that^oa at all events have none of that phlegmatic reserve and dulness 
of spirits, which are the characteristics, we hear, of so many of our 
travelled countrymen. Proceed thus: never leave off whistling or 
singing except when you're shouting, speaking, laughing, eating or 
drinking; this will show lightness of heart and head, innocence of dis- 
position, and cheeriness of manner not to be surpassed by the most 
volatile of our liveliest neighbours. Get rid of your vigilant, that means 
a cabman, when there is one, by giving his horse a sharp cut with the 
whip and saying, "Hoop! tchk ! come up!" and off he will set, as hard 
as he can lay legs to the ground, down the street, and, of course, his 
owner after him. Now then for a good old practical joke, which how- 
ever being quite new here, will establish your reputation for hilarity from 
the very minute of its execution. 

Begin thus : — Tell the crowd who are looking on that you 're going 
to/' play at Pantomimes." They won't know wliat you mean, but that 
is of no consequence ; and, 
by the way, this fact is 
equally true as regards the 
majority of people who, 
during the season, are in- 
tensely interested in listen- 
ing to the poetical libretto 
of an Italian opera. Com- 
mence humming, "Rum 
turn tiddle fiddle," auy 
words you like here, to give 
the idea of the never ceasing 
music in the orchestra at 
Christmas. Knock with 
your open hand three times 
at the door of the hotel, 
aud then lie down flat on 
jour face in front of it. If 
the proprietor is up to the 
business (and if not, why 
is he in that situation, 
we 'd like to know ?) he will 
wait until after the third 
knock; when he will open 
the door, look straight be- 
fore him, smile blandly, 
rub his hands, and at the 
first step of his advance fall 
over your prostrate form. 
You yourself must be up 
on your legs as nimbly as possible, and lose no time in belabouring the 
weak-minded tradesman with one of his own advertisement boards. 
When he does rise, he will only shake his fist at you, and will imme- 
diately allow himself to be mollified by your putting your hand on your 
heart, bowing politely, assuring him that "you didn't do it," and 
then intimating that " you are willing to pay for accommodation in 
his house." You will be shown to your bed-room, when it will be as 
well at once to ask for a tallow candle to rub the floor with, and 
make a slide, on which the proprietor will be the first to fall ; then 
ring for a warming-pan, a kettle, a large box labelled Pills, conclud- 
ing the performance by jumping into bed with your clothes on. 
You may now consider that you have done enough to prove yourself 
several degrees removed from those proud, cold, say-nothing-to-nobody 
sort of Englishmen, who are so generally to be met upon the Con- 

In the morning, and also during the entire day, you will hear the 
Chimes of Antwerp Cathedral. The ambitious Tourist may seat him- 
self upon his portmanteau, and interpret the language of the bells as 
" Turn again, Robinson " (Jones and Smith are out of the question) 
"Lord Mayor of Antwerp." They don't of course say anything of the 
kind, and there is no Lord Mayor. 

The name of this town is, as we have said before, Antwerp, but the 
French, with their usual perversity, will call it Anvers. The pronun- 
ciation of this name reminds us, that the tune, which, the Cathedral 
clock plays, may possibly be 

" Anvers and Anvers is my Hieland Laddie gone ? " 

However this is simply interesting to the man who winds up the works : 
on second thoughts we remember, that the economical authorities 
have provided themselves with a permanent winding staircase in the 
Church Tower, which saves the expense of employing a clockmaker. 

There is an ancient society in Antwerp called St. Luke's, to which 
the artists belong: it corresponds we believe to St. Luke's in 

London, of which several Royal Academicians might be distinguished 
members. . 

Be the weather fine or wet, the Tourist may walk about the streets of 
Antwerp all day free of charge. 

Gratis Exhibitions.— -The Exterior of the Cathedral can be well seen 
from earliest dawn till quite dark ; also, the outside of several 
Churches ; and, from the same side, an excellent view can be obtained 
of the Museum. 

The Theatre, we are informed, is only open for a part of the year ; 
and that part is always well rilled. 

The British Consul may be seen for twopence a head through a glass- 
door. Feeding time at one o'clock, when the price of admission is 
raised. No one is admitted after the Consul is once quite full. There 
is no deception, he is alive, and will shake hands, talk affably, and 
answer any questions that may be put to him. Sticks and umbrellas 
must be left in the hall. 

The Post Office in this town is not the same as the Post Office ia 
another town, and is on this account alone, worth the trouble of a visit. 

We now consider that the time has arrived when, previous to quitting 
Antwerp, we may give a few more — 

General Hints for the Tourists. — Always shout out your English sen- 
tences at foreigners. They're all deaf. Your only other chance of 
being understood is by talking broken English to them. For what is 
the good of speaking your perfect mother-tongue to those who cannot 
understand it? It is simply a waste of words. All foreigners can 
swim. If you doubt the assertion, experimentalise after the manner 
suggested in the cut. This humorous feat will suggest another cut, — 

Take it forgranted that everyone is trying tocheat and impose upon you. 

Dispute every item in every bill separately. 

To ensure civility and respect, see that all your portmanteaus, bags, 
and hat-boxes be labelled MURRAY in the largest capitals. 

In a paragraph headed " What Wines are made of," the Cincinnati 
Scientific Artizan gives the following results of the analysis, by Hiram 
Cox, M.D., of various samples of liquors on sale at a store in Cincinnati : 

" The distilled liquors were some pure, and some'vile and pernicious imitations : 
but the wines had not one drop of the juice of the grape. The basis of the port 
wine was diluted sulphuric acid, coloured with the elderberry juice ; with alum, 
sugar, and neutral spirits. The base of the sherry wine was a sort of pale malt, 
sulphuric acid, flavoured from the bitter almond oil, with a per-centage of alcoholic 
spirits. The basis of the Madeira was a decoction of hops, with sulphuric acid, 
Honey, spirits from Jamaica rum, &c." 

Would the chemistry of Dr. Hiram Cox, applied to the fluids which 
Britons are accustomed to swallow under the denomination of port, 
sherry, and Madeira, resolve them into components other than those 
above specified? It is too much to be feared that most of what is sold 
as port wine resembles real port in nothing but its colour and effect in 
causing drunkenness and gout. When the votary of Bicchus and 
reader of Sharspeare notes Iago telling Roderigo of Desdemona, that 
" the wine she drinks is made of grapes," he naturally thinks to himself 
" I should like to have some of it. I wish as much could be said of 
me." How often must this reflection have occurred to every jolly old 
commentator on Sharspeare ! 


We want to know Why the Authorities at Brighton, so sensible and considerate in keeping the pl^ce Free from the 
Detestable Organ-grinders, should permit the terrible Nuisances indicated above? Fresh Prawns, Whiting, Oysters, or 
Water-Cress, are capital things in their way, and we should think that the jaded Man op Occupation, or the Invalid, 
would very much rather send to a respectable Shop for such Delicacies, than have them "Bellowed" into his ears Morning, 
Noon, and Night ! 


Scene. — Punch's Model Farm. Inside of his Barn, decorated with 
sheaves, sickles, and other agricultural emblems and implements. On 
the Dais, a table at which sit Farmers, with Farmer Punch at the 
head of them in an arm-chair. Pipes and beer. 

Punch {concluding a speech). And, Gentlemen, for the honour you 
have done me, I beg to return you my sincere thanks, and to drink all 
your very good healtbs, and " Success to Farming." 

All. Success to Farmun. Hooray! 

A Farmer (sings). " And show me the ass as refuses his glass, 
And I '11 order un hay in a manger." 

All. Hooray.' Hip, hip, hip, Hooray. . Three cheers more. Hooray ! 
Hip, hip, hip, Hooray ! Hooray ! 

[Tremendous applause, Table-rapping, Kentish Fire, fyc. 

1st Farmer. Well, it have a ben a fine Harvest. 

2nd Farmer. Best I ever zee. 

'3rd Farmer. I dwoan't recollect nare sich another. 

1th Farmer. Arter dree bad year. 

5th Farmer. 'Tis a long lane as han't got no turnun. 

1st Farmer. An uncommon fine Harvest to be sure. 

Punch. You are right. You are quite right, Sir. This Harvest is 
uncommonly fine. It is altogether plentiful. Such plenty is uncom- 
mon. You are right, my good Sir; you are quite right. 

2nd Farmer (aside). Talks like a Justus, Chairman o Quarter Session, 
doan't a' ? Ees, Mr. Punch, (aloud to Punch) as you says, taint only 
the whate, and the barley, and the wutts, and the rye, but the turmuts 
is the zame, and the mangle-wuzzle, and all on't. 

3rd Farmer. Even the 'taters be all right this year. 

ith Farmer. Ye zee, good crops o Murphies is prawsperity for Paddies. 
[Laughter, in which Mr. Punch joins. 

5ih Farmer. The hops be shortish, though, bain't 'um ? 

Punch (in an under -tone). Surgit amari aliquid. 

1st Farmer. What was that as you was a zayun of, Sir? 

Punch. A little drop of bitter in the cup of plenty. That 's better 
than a big one— isn't it ? 

1st Farmer. Eh ? [Scratching his head. 

Punch. You '11 have hops enough. In the mean time drink up your 

6th Farmer (shouting from halfway down the table, whilst he uses his 
hand as a speaking trumpet.) This here harvest ool be a fine thing for 
the country, Mr. Punch ? 

Punch. It will, neighbour. And as fine a thing for us, too. For 
plenty this year won't entail low prices. 

Farmers. Naw, naw. [Grinning. 

Punch. Prices will be high. We shall have no corn from America. 

2nd Farmer. We dwoan't want none. He, he, hee ! 

Punch. You have the advantages of both war and peace. 

3rd Farmer. High prices and low taxes. 

4:(h Farmer. Naw, dang'ee, dwoan't 'ee call the taxes low. Dang'ee 
they be high enough, mun, as they be, and too high a precious zoight. 

Punch. Out of abundance you '11 get the profit of dearth. 

1st Farmer. Ees, and without the poor's rates on't. [Applause. 

2nd Farmer. There wunt be no famine 'cept the cotton famine up in 
the North. And that dwoan't titch we. 

Punch. But it ought to touch us. With such a harvest as we 've 
got, my bucks, we mustn't have any starving weavers. A We mustn't, 
and we won't. 

Farmers. We wunt ; we wunt. 

(Singing). We wunt goo whoara till maunun! 
We wunt goo whoam till maunun! 
We wunt goo whoam till murnan, 
Till daylight doth appare. 

Punch (joining in). And who will wheel you there ? 

[Roars of laughter, applause, and Kentish Fire. 

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— September 12, 1863. 


September 12, 1863. 



'3rd Farmer. Well ; here we be a zingun be joyful for our harvest, 
and to think what sort o crops they be rippen of in Poland and 

ilh Farmer. Neighbour-, I says we ought to zing be thankful. 
Shouldn't us ? , , 

Punch. Most certainly. But what 's mere singing i xou know who 
it was that sheared the pig. 

Uh Farmer. Ees I knows he {grinning). As much as 1 wants to 
know on un. . , 

Pa»cA. Well ; the pig sung out loud enough ; but yielded very little 
wool. Served the shearer right. But what do you think of pigs 
crammed with barley meal, that can only grunt their gratitude and 
squeak for more ? 

Farmers. Umph, umph, umph ! » 

Punch. Well, as you say, what can you expect from a hog but a 
grunt ? 

ith Farmer. There is a difference, mind ye, 'tween hogs and Christians. 
Punch. Just so. What do you call Thanksgiving ? 
teh Farmer. Geeun thanks. 

Punch (mimicking Mm). Geeun thanks, mate ? 'Castn't gee moor 
nor a bare thankee r Naw, mun, when the time comes, thee fork out, 
and zee if thee castn't help veed the hungry up there in Lancashire. 

Farmers. Zo we ool. Hear hear. Hear Farmer Punch ! Dang'ee, 
zo we ool. [They sing. 

Here's a health to our measter, the founder of our feast. 
He as don't drink enough 's a fool, as drinks too much, a beast. 
Let's hope to keep a harvest home as good another year, 
'Tain't every day we kills a pig and drinks sitch good strong beer. 
Punch. After that, gentlemen, I '11 give you " The British Consti- 
tution," and call on you every one to repeat the toast after me. 
Farmers. Brish Cosh-sh-sh-nsh-tooshn ! 

[_Drunk with all the honours. Scene closes. 


he great attraction, 
since Messrs. Grant 
and Speke have 
undertaken the ma- 
nagement, seems to 
be the River Nile, 
which for several 
nights has been 
crowded to overflow- 

AtFrankfcrt there 
have been several 
Imperial Dinners 
with one Ordinary 
Diet, so that the bill 
of delicate fare seems 
to have been the 
result of a vivid ima- 

Accounts from 
Brighton, Ramsgate, 
Margate, and Scar- 
borough, announce 
that the Sea-gulls 
are very numerous 
this year, and Lod- 
ging-house keepers 
are therefore pro- 
spering. The good 
folks from London 
are, they say, coming 
down handsomely. 

Our be.lovedyoung 
Prince iias been pa- 
! tronising Highland 
sports, specially Scotch dancing, or Hop Scotch as it is called | in the 
North. General Knollys is reported to have said that H.B.H.'s 
proceedings have been conducted on the principle that " Youth must 
have its Fling," and; that Fling, a Hieland one. By the way, the 
General has been recently entrusted with the Command of the English 

Boulogne is very full. The Hotel-keepers are engaged in the tailor- 
like occupation of " taking in " and " letting out ; " the former operation 
applying to the customers, the latter to the beds, are now pro- 
duced on purpose to be let out. 

One of the clerks at Doctors' Commons has become a Poet. On the 
occasion of any great wedding he presents the Bride with a copy of the 
Marriage Lines. Talking of this reminds us that medical men, instead 
of patronising Wimbledon and Clapham Commons, might find some 
eligible and healthy sites for their houses upon the above mentioned 
Doctors' Commons. One of the white-aproned touters in this locality, 
a very arch dog, while eyeing the statue of Queen Anne in St. Paul's 
Churchyard, made the following conundrum: "Why was this Good 
Queen previous to making a declaration of her love for Prince George, 
like a rule in English Grammar ? " One of his fellow touts, who had 
heard it before, readily answered, "Because she was Anne before 
a-vowal." The quick witted gentleman was immediately presented 
with a pewter badge, which; he wears to this day. He is now known 
as the Badger, and, m this character, has been drawn by several artistic 
and funny dogs. 

The old custom of paying a Quarter's Bent and Taxes on Michaelmas 
Day still holds good in some parts of England; in many places, 
however, it has fallen into disuse. 

The order that nobody is to look at the Queen, has caused everybody 
to open their eyes. 


Well to be sure, although I don't pin nare a mossel of reliance 
On prophets, now-a-days that is ; philosifers and men of science, 
Which, as for Zadkiel Tao Tsze, so orft I 've found him a deceiver, 
In what the Almanacks foretells I ain't the least of a believer. 

And though I must confess I ain't got no more faith in Dr. Cummcng, 
And don't believe his prophecies no truer than Colenso's summing, 
Still what Sir William Armstrong says I looks on as a word in 

And raly think it may be true, because for why, it stands to reason. ] 

And all the more when I reflex the Armstrong gun is his inwention, 
It makes me valley what he says as somethink worthy of attention, 
And this I says, that seein how his gun purtects the British nation, 
Sitch a great gun for President befits the same Association. 

Now we shall soon have burnt out all our coals, declares this kuowin 

And goodness kuows how fast they goes experience shows it in the 

And if so be as coals don't grow, and mines in jiepth] and breadth is 

In course our stock] must be used up] at last, and we shall be ]con- 


What with the gash burnt all night long, and constant steam on land 

and ocean, 
Works, forges, factories, 'mills, and looms, I may say in perpectchial 

And, what I can't abear the thought, because it rouse my hindig- 

The tons and tons that goes away to foreigners by exportation ! 

And then there is another cause that puts me most beside my senses, _ 
Because 'tis what comes, home one feels one's self in housekeepin 

Them servant gals, the sluts, unless you 're always arter 'em a lookin, 
Ah, drat 'em ! none but them as knows would credit what they wastes 

in cookin'. 

Ah, there, if coals will last my time !— but now their end is drawin 

What I'm afeard on is they'll rise, and then go on a gettin higher : 
How I should like to lay about this headlong world a good broom 

handle ! 
We 're burnin out too fast by half, and faster, both our coal and candle. 

Latest from the Spirit World. 

We have received a message from Mr. Home, the celebrated Medium, 
to the effect that much disturbance has been created in the Spirit 
World, by Charon having resigned his office as ferryman. The startling 
fact was notified to Mr. Home by the spirit of Aristophanes, who 
rapped out the following sentence, short, but full of meaning : " Charon 
has cut his Styx." 


It appears that the gun and mortar-boat fleet, created at so much 
expense during the Russian war, is all rotten. It consists of mortar- 
boats no stronger than the contents t of a hod, and gun-boats much of 
the same consistence as mortar. 

Sea-side Note.— The desire for, bathing is a very wishy-washy 



[September 12, 1863. 

Model. " Fine day, Sir." 

Painter (aghast). " Fine— Good heavens, Man! Where's your beard? What 
have you done to your face 1 " 

Model. " Me, Sir 1 Naethin, but just made my whiskers a wee thing decent wi' the 

Painter. " Then you're an utterly ruined Man, Sir! and I'm, very sorry for you. 
You 're not worth twopence. Good morning." 


M. de Montalembert has lately been exerting his 
admirable eloquence at Malines in the attempt to expound 
his favourite idea of " a free Church in a free State." 
Like most eminent Frenchmen, the excellent M. de Mon- 
talembert is possessed with an idea which he employs 
himself in cherishing. By the bye, if the Uncle of Napoleon 
III., who hated ideologues, were now in his Nephew's 
place, how disgusted he would be with the most intelligent 
of his subjects! To be sure, he would perhaps not 
altogether disapprove of the saying, that France goes to 
war for an idea; because "for an idea" is a much more 
specious phrase than " under a pretence," and formerly 
when France went to war, the real idea which she contem- 
plated in so doing was that very practical one, the idea of 
aggrandisement; which however, of course, she had relin- 
quished before engaging in the Italian campaign that 
ended in the annexatiou of Savoy and Nice. 

M. de Montalembert has an idea of the Free Papal 
Church. So M. Auguste Comte had an idea of Positive 
Religion ; which, to the British understanding, seems 
positive nonsense. The amiable and liberal Popery of 
M. de Montalembert, though more respectable, is hardly 
less visionary than the Atheism or Pantheism of M. 
Comte. His idea of "a free Church in a free State" is 
evidently a fixed one. There can be no such thing in the 
world; except as it exists in the United Kingdom; if 
M. de Montalembert is satisfied with that, in which 
case we beg his pardon. Fancy what tricks the Church would 
play if it were free to do whatever it thought right. There 
would not be a pin to choose between Peter and Jack, 
and even Martin would be troublesome. As for Jack, 
only think what the Free Kirk of Scotland would do if it 
enjoyed the freedom of being at liberty to punish people 
for breaking the Scotch Sabbath. Any free Church in a 
free State would soon create an explosion. M. de Mon- 
talembert' s would be like a red hot poker in a barrel of 

Health of the Metropolis. 

We hear of a new Disease. One gentleman was talking 
to another at the corner of Oxford Street. A third iu 
perfect health was passing by them at the moment, and 
caught what the first was saying. Whatever may have 
been the ill-nature of the remark, it has been ascertained 
that the unfortunate auditor has not recovered from the 


Mr. Punch was amused with something he saw in a Glasgow paper 
the other day. He was pleased to observe that a recognition of the 
merits of Mr. Lambeth, the distinguished Glasgow organist, and one 
of the half-dozen British who know what conducting means, had taken 
place. If you could get an organist like Mr. Lambeth at the three choir 
festivals, there would not be so much foolscap in the quires. When 
he is tired of his Glasgow organs let him come south. Or as the gen- 
tleman in Midas sings :— j 

" If so be you wants'an organ, 
Come to us, you jolly Mr. L. 
And you shall say, with Lady Morgan, 
ThoseCockneys pay a Talent well." 

However, let Glasgow flourish, and if she flourishes enough about 
Mr. Lambeth, well and good. What amused Mr. Punch was, that at 
the Presentation to this gentleman of a splendid silver something, and 
what was described as One Hundred and Fifty Sovereigns, the silver 
was duly given, but the gold had been put away to Mr. Lambeth's 
account in the bank, and he was presented with the bank receipt. Now 
this is eminently Scottish. It is inculcating a lesson of prudence in 
the very moment of doing a generous thing. Suppose in the excitement 
of the hour, Mr. Lambeth, receiving gold, had rushed off to Lang's 
and spent a lot of money in a hundred or so of the luncheon tit-bits, 
and then a lot more in a dinner in George Square, and then treated 
himself to a concert at a music hall. Not that he is in the least likely 
to do anything of the kind ; but suppose he had been a man of ill- 
regulated mind, and had desired to do such things. Well— he is 
instantly brought up to his moorings. A bank receipt, and the bank 
won't be open till to-morrow. To-morrow the excitement would be over. 
The idea was worthy the cautious Scottish intellect— but the idea of 
the presentation was worthy the warmhearted Glaswegians who thus 
honoured an eminent artist whom Mr. Punch is also happy to honour. 


We are a strange people, we English. Our social laws and customs 
are chokefull of anomalies. We brag about our being strict observers 
of our Sunday, yet in certain of our streets there is more business done 
on Sunday than in all the week besides : and while we think it wrong 
on Sunday for people to admire the Holy Family of Titian, we let them 
go to Hampton Court and see the unchaste nymphs of Lely. So too, 
we brag about our modesty, and, as compared with that of foreigners, 
our superior morality. Yet we suffer things in England which would 
nowhere else be sanctioned, and we calmly look at sights which abroad 
would not be tolerated. Passing over here our streets, which are a 
shame and a disgrace to us, let us instance for example the bathing at 
our watering-places. A lot of girls half draped stand bobbing up and 
down in half a yard or so of water, and, within an easy eyeshot, a lot 
of men stark naked disport themselves in any way it pleases taste to 
move them. At times a bolder brute than common will float past the 
women's bathing-place, if that be kept apart, but in very many cases the 
bathing is promiscuous. Meanwhile, Gorillas on the shore, with tele- 
scopes and opera-glasses survey the bathing nymphs, as coolly and as 
closely as they would the semi-undressed dancers in a ballet. 

Will any one defend this system of indecency ? or say that people are 
the better for enjoying these indelicacies of the seaside season ? We 
don't have common bath-rooms for our daughters and our sons, yet we 
apparently think nothing of their having common bathing-places. Town 
Mayors and corporations and the like so-called " authorities," have 
power to interfere, and put a stop to this immodesty : but such people 
of course have little notion of propriety, and think it a good laik-whea 
a girls' legs become visible. Let a watering-place be started where the 
bathing shall be placed under proper supervision, and where girls may 
learn to swim without being shamed or stared at, and Punch will 
advertise that place to all the corners of the kingdom, and render it 
imperative for every one to visit it. Brighton has made some approaches 
to this desideratum. 

September 12, 1863.] 




[We have substituted the above title for that of Epicurus in the Provinces, prefixed 
by our Contributor to a mmuseript which ho h is sent up from the North, postage 
unpaid. Something has come over the spirit of a writer, of whom we do not mm I 
saving, ( now t iat praise can evidently give him no pleasure) that we always admire 1 
his cheerfulness in taking suggestion?, his willingness to be pleased with every- 
thin ' lus punctuality in sending articles, and his good-natured acceptance of any 
alterations we 1.1 ide in them. All seems altered. Here is the presentable portion, 
only, of a most uncomfortable communication, and our readers will agree with us 
that the unfortunate young man must have got into the company of Dr. Cajtolish, 

or somebody of that kii 


ily other solution 

hinted at in our substituted title. If he does not get better, we shall have to pension 
Jiim off.] 

[To Mr. Punch. 

" Sir, or dear Sir, if you like it better, all 's one to me, ' 

" Circumstances over which I had no control, and didn't 
want to have any, prevented my fulfilling my half-engagement to give 
you an account of what you are pleased to call my holiday tour, but 
which is really a sanatory precaution to prevent a frame, already over- 
tasked in your service, from becoming utterly exhausted. If you think 
it is any pleasure to me to go knocking about the country, away from 
my own bath, and books, and bed, you were never more mistaken in 
jour life, and that is saying a good deal. Pleasure, indeed ! I cordially 
agree with the late Sir G. C. Lewis, who] said— and Rochefoucauld 
never wrote a better thing— that Life would be very tolerable but for 
its Pleasures. 

" I went away from London as soon as you sent me the money, which 
you might have sent in a more convenient form than £50 notes. I 
departed by the Great Western, because I didn't care in the least where 
I went, and 1 thought that as the poor old G. W. 11. is so dreadfully 
poor, everybody should try and do a little to support it. Especially as 
though they are so poor, the G. Westerns are so civil all along the 
line — it is like being among reduced gentlefolk, they are so obligingly 
polite. It 's all hollow, of course, and what does it matter whether a 
courteous guard in the West answers to your inquiry how long we stop 
here, ' I am afraid, Sir, we shall hardly stop long enough to make it 
safe for you to get out,' or a brutal guard in the East says, ' No time 
at all; so just keep your seat, unless you want to be left behind.' It 
will all be the same in September, 1963. 

" Usually, I travel first class, because more care is taken of the 
carriages, and it would read better, in the event of an accident, not to 
be described as a second-class passenger. One is thought to owe this 
sort of thing to one's friends. Put I chose to ride second on the day 
in question, because an extremely genteel bore, whom I hate, was going 
down. He would have followed me into any of the superior carriages, 
but even his eagerness to bore me could not conquer his gentility ; 1 
defied him with that little ticket, and into a second class, 
and sat with two nursery-maids. 

" They belonged to a family, the heads whereof were in a first-class 
carriage. There were two children with them, and two others with 
the parents. The attentive and affectionate father was negotiating an 
exchange of infants at every station — now he took away baby aud gave 
us Tom, and now he took away Ellen and favoured us with Matilda, 
and so on, and I should think he must have shuffled those four diamonds 
about six times round before we reached Shrewsbury. The baby's 
nurse was happily unable to read— or perhaps found reading upside 
down (the mode she adopted when I lent her a tract) fatiguing, so she 
amused and caressed her child, and made the journey lighter to it. ;But 
the other wench had been taught to read, and read a Penny Journal, 
line by line, to the very end, and then began it over again, nor could 
the weariness of the other child, its tired sprawling about, its despairing 
grovel on the dusty floor, induce that sulky jade to remove her penn'oth 
of trash from within four inches of her coarse nose, and talk to the poor 
little wretch, or take it on her lap. But when master came to the 
window, she smiled on the new arrival as if her soul were in it, and as 
soon as we went on, she relapsed stolidly into the story ow Lord 
Enery fust come to see Lady Haddyline at the bal mask, and honed his 
our were come. I thought how pleased Mamma, in the first class, 
would be to see the affectionate interest taken in her darlings by one of 
their nurses. 

" I did not care, I say, where I went, and' as life is a vale of tears, I 
thought I would go to the vale of Llangollen. There's a railway 
through it, now, so it is quite spoiled, and Crow Castle doesn't look a 
quarter so imposing as it did twenty-five years ago. Next day I went 
aud looked at the curious cottage where the Honourable Eloisa Baker 
and Miss Pensiveboy lived together so many years, the dear old dears. 
Love disappointments. Bah! Was there nobody to tell the kind 
creatures that one man is just as good as another, and better too? 
Never mind, they are gone, but there is their quaint cottage, with its 
black carved oak work, carved door, carved windows, carved dog- 
kennel, carved everything— looking like a great toy, of wondrous 
elaboration. Did I say that there was the usual arper arpiiig on his 
arp in the all of the And. I gave him no money. 1 hate volunteered 
music. I am not sure that all music is not an unjustifiable waste of 
time, especially if played out of it. 

" Here I lowered my mind aud hired a gig, and drove about to look at 

men's chateaux and seats. I went to stern, deep-rooted Dirk. Castle, 
whose walls would resist an Armstrong. There 's a picture in the 
gallery there of the Welsh Widow, who, a good many years ago, had a 
shorter way of getting divorce than 'by going before Jimmt Wilde. 
She obtained seven divorces by pouring melted lead into the ears of 
seven sleeping spouses, via the stem of a tobacco-pipe. The eighth had 
his suspicions, feigned sleep, aud put her pipe out. A pretty face, if I 
recollect.'for I did not go in this time. I have not been inside Dirk. 
Castle for a quarter of a century. I dare say Colonel Biddleton- 
Mydduph would have let me come in if I had sent in your name. I 
also went and beheld Kynbrinalt, which belongs to a Nobleman. I once 
read a novel called Aspen Court, or some such name, and I fancied that 
Kynbrinalt must have stood for one of the houses therein described, in 
which case the writer took a great liberty with the property of his 
betters, besides altering arrangements to suit his own nonsense. Then 
I went and looked at the new house, which the greatest man in Wales 
is building to replace his mansion burned down a few years ago. Tuis 
is Llynnstay. The old house was very ugly. The new one is not suffi- 
ciently advanced tor me to say what it will he like, but there are a great 
many weeds in the lake. But, Sir W. W. W, with one remark I '11 
trouble you, trouble you, namely, that the noble Avenue is all that I 
would wish to see it, and I had a good mind to come in and tell you so, 
only I knew you would give me lunch, and I must not eat lunches. It 
is very pleasant to see all over those parts the engraved picture which 
nearly 20,000 Welsh folk presented to the Lady of the Avenue in 
memory of the night of the fire. But what 's the use of taking pleasure 
in avenues, aud pictures, and gratitudes, or anything else ? I nearly 
threw the horse down just by the Llynnstay Gates, and then I whopped 
him for my carelessness. I dare say I have often been whopped for 
somebody else's carelessness — so it 's all the same. 

" Being in Wales, I thought I would stay there. So I went to a 
place called Mould, I don't know why it is so called. I saw no mould 
in particular. There 's a fine old church, on an eminence, and it has 
been well restored by Salvator Ecclesiastic us, I mean of course 
Mr. G. G. Scott, who goes about undoing the work of churchwardens 
and re-doing the work of mediaeval architects. The Black Lion gave 
me for breakfast the best mushrooms I ever ate, but we are all mush- 
rooms, except such of us as are toadstools, and I could mention a good 
many members of that family of fungus. Richard Wilson, the 
painter, is buried in this church-yard, and there is a lot of Welsh verse 
on the stone. The last three words are Asynar oes bresenol. I should 
be ashamed if I had the faintest idea what they mean. I see he is 
calledjMeaiber of the Royal Academy of Artists. Then I nearly broke 
my neck, going to see the Vale of Clwydd (rhymes to Druid), the 
reason whereof is, that the roads are down perpendicular hills, and the 
drivers neither put on the brakes nor look at the horses, but talk affably 
to you, while you are clenching your teeth and feeling all your interior 
lower man ascending to your ;shoulders, as you rush down precipices 
that give you the night-mare for a week. 1 believe the horses know 
all about it, and that there is no real danger, but you may as well be 
killed as frightened to death. 

" Then I thought I would go to Scotland. I suppose I have a right 
to go to Scotland if 1 like. I say I suppose I have a right. I did not 
at all approve your manner when I hinted that I should go north. You 
did not say much, but seemed to think that I ought to have gone to 
Southend, or Brighton, or somewhere whence I could be fetched at an 
hour's notice. iVery well, I chose to.'go to Scotland. Nemo me impune 

" If I find my temper, and my inclination, conforming, I may write 
to you again on this. Meantime, and with strong recommendations to 
you to consider the hollowness of all things, and the folly of being 
pleased with anything.'.believe me, 

. " Yours, gloomily, 

" Dumbarton Castle" " Epicurus Rotundus." 

In the Times, the other day, we hit upon the following :— 

GENTLEMEN, desirous to embrace the stage as a profession. Apply, imme- 
diately, to 13 and D , Arc. 

Well, there is no accounting for taste ; but of all things in the world, 
the stage is about the last we should, desire to "embrace." We have 
indeed no notion how the embrace could be effected ; and at any rate it 
could not be returned, for we have never heard of a stage possessing 
arms, although we are quite thoroughly aware that it has wings. 

Working Like a Horse. 

An Economical Gentleman, fond of carriage exercise, having been 
obliged to sell his horse, determined that he could do just as well 
without it ; and he may now be seen at any time, during the afternoon, 
driving himself. 



[SEPTEMBER 12, 1863. 


Grandpapa. " TJierc, Waller, my boy, tlierc 's Sixpence for you; but you must give Emmy half." 
Walter. " But how can I do tJtat, Grand' pa, dear ; you 've only given me one 1 " 


The following important causes have been heard during" the recent 
Home Circuit, and have occupied the greater portion of the Bench's 
valuable Time : — 

" Noodle v. Boodle. In this case the Plaintiff complained, that while 
walking with the Defendant, he the Defendant had slipped off the 
pathway into a ditch, and in so slipping had caught at the arm of said 
Plaintiff, and had almost pulled said Plaintiff into the aforesaid ditch. 
That thereby said Plaintiff did sustain such fright and mental damage 
as to wholly incapacitate him from attending to his usual avoca- 
tions and trade, whereby he, said Plaintiff, gets a living; and therefore 
said Plaintiff, sued said Defendant, and lays the damages at £200." 

In the getting 1 up of this case too great praise cannot be bestowed 
upon Messes. Nathan, Grtjbb & Co., the attorneys for the Plaintiff, 
as without their indefatigable exertions, the case would never have 
been brought under the notice of the jury. On the learned Judge's 
notes, we find substituted for " under " the word " beneath ; " so that 
the final sentence may be read, " beneath the notice of the Jury." 

"Muff v. Ninny. Four days' trial. In this interesting case the 
Defendant, an old man of eighty had been paying a friendly visit to the 
Plaintiff, an elderly gentleman of ninety years of age, at his residence 
in the Downluck Almshouses, and, on quitting said residence, had 
omitted to shut the door, thereby admitting a current of air into said 
Plaintiff's sitting apartment, whereby said Plaintiff caught a severe 
cold, which cost him the extra washing of three red pockethandkerchiefs, 
and thereupon said Plaintiff sues said Defendant, and lays the damages 
at £100." 

In this case the admirable conduct of the attorneys for the Plaintiff 
in collecting evidence and materially increasing the expenses of ordinary 
litigation, failed to receive that amount of commendation from the 
learned Judge by whom the case was tried, which was most certainly 
their due. 

The sharp practitioners, who have deserved so well of the Legal 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, In tbe Pariah of St. Pancraa, In the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evai 
Whitefnars, City of London, Printers, at ih-ir uffice in Lombard Street, m the Precinct of Whitefriara, City of London, and Published by them at No 
ol London.— Saturday, September 12, 1863. 

Profession, for bringing forward cases, and promoting the active 
business of the assizes, have in some instances received severe repri- 
mands from the Bench. There were about a score of actions similar 
to the ones above mentioned, as well on the Home as on the other 
Circuits, and whether the Legal Profession gains or loses the public 
respect by trading upon such petty grievances as these, is a question 
that must be left to the decision of better Judges than ourselves. 


One of the late meetings of the British Association at, Newcastle is 
described by the reporter of the Morning Post in a narrative beginning 
with the subjoined two sentences, whereof the latter is an example of 
exquisite alliteration, the ingenuity of Master Holofernes himself 
would have been taxed to equal : — 

" No one has visited Newcastle, or approached it, without carrying away a very- 
decided impression that it is the most dreary, dismal town in England. A feculent, 
ferruginous, and fuliginous atmosphere surrounds and envelopes it." 

Feculent, ferruginous, and fuliginous ! What a strength of expres- 
sion is given to these three epithets by the initial consonant, of each ! 
How suggestive they are; how nicely they intimate a specific impres- 
sion on the olfactory nerves ! With what forcible elegance they impress 
the idea that "canny Newcastle" is characterised by a peculiar odour! 
They have a force exceeding that of adjectives, and equal to the energy 
of interjections. Piff ! Phew ! Phit ! They have all the significance of 
those exclamatory whiffs which we propel from our lips when we are 
constrained to hold our noses. 

Beware the Bull ! 
We learn from that instructive print, the Lady's Newspaper, tliat- 

" Gored skirts and petticoats are just now very common." 
Gored, gracious ! are they really ? How extremely horrible ! 

September 19, 1863.] 




I l! 

"Ant Feesh Prawns this Maenin, Sir ?" 

" I recommend you," said my Doctor, " change of air, and quiet. Good 

" Then," cried Breezer, my friend and companion ; " let us together betake 
ourselves to the sea-side." 

I left it to Breezee, and Breezer took me to Brightgate, or Marton shall we 
say ? At the close of one week I left Brightgate to Breezer. 

I wanted quietude : Breezer said that he liked a little life : I retorted that I 
liked as little as possible. I pined for the true enjoyment of the Awful Loneliness 
of the Trackless Desert. Bremer's notion of pleasure is to sit in an open FJy and 
be slowly driven from the commencement of one Cliif to the end of the other, 
and then for variety being driven back again. Give me, say J, the timid Gazelle 
that glads you with her bright blue eye, or the untutored Armadillo burrowing 
beneath the arid plains of Sahara. Breezee likes to look at what he calls "the 
Gals," and says, " blow the Armadillo." For me the Simoon and the Delusive 
Mirage of Palaces. Breezer is conlented with the sands at low water, and the 
rows of dazzling white houses with green blinds and blistered verandahs. I would 
be far removed from the haunts of my fellow man. It. is as much as Breezer 
can do to take his ticket for Brightgate, and even then he won't go by Express 
train, because it tears him from his beloved London too abruptly. Every man 
to his taste, but alas the Breezers now-a-days have it all their own way in the 
matter of noise. Tell me of a really quiet sea-side place where I can enjoy the 
comforts without any of the bustle of high-pressure civilisation. I'll trouble 
you. I am going to make a proposal; to put forward a new, original idea. I am 
going to be a Promoter, and everybody knows what that means in these times of 
company speculations. I must prepare the great public for my scheme gradually, 
leading up to the trump card [and I shall have to blow my own trump for myself], 
through the diary which I carry in my travelling Pack. Cast your eyes then, if you 
please, over this extract. 

At Brightgate, Morning, 4 a.m.— Awoke by cries of " Yeo ho ! " I should state 
that we had procured rooms as near the sea as possible. Cries continued. 
Horrid noise. Subsequently discovered they were the boatmen going out. 

4.30 p.m.— More yeo-hoing. Boatmen coming in: not the same who went out. 

4.35 a.m.— Arrival of the sweeps. They come at this time so as to get their 
work done early, and not to disturb anybody ! 

4 50 a.m.— More boatmen. Going out, 1 believe, and perhaps a few coming in. 

5.30 a.m.— The interval has been filled up by the sweeps. Hoarse boatmen are 
beginning to cry out that they've got shrimps and prawns for sale. 

6 a.m.— Beeizer knocks at my door to know if I'll bathe. No, I won't. He 
comes in and makes a noise. Hate a noise. Says he'll pull the clothes off if 
I don't get up. Hate that sort of thing when you want to snooze. He says I 
oughtn't to want to snooze. Asks me " If i 've heard the shrimpers ? " Mockery. 

6.30 am— I am going to snooze. Landlady knocks 
at door, and wants to know what time I'll be called. 
I don't care': say nine, or half-past eight :— no— say eight ; 
or stay, I '11 be called at half-past, and get up at nine : 
no, I mean I'll be down at nine. Thank you. Now I 
shall snooze. Goodness gracious ! The boatmen are 
coming in again. Post Horn! a Coach? Oh, no; boy 
with Morning Paper. 

7.30 a.m.— Vociferous itinerant vendors of fish of all 
descriptions are now parading the street, and men with 
vegetable carts, veritable London costermongers probably 
come down for change of air. 

8 a.m.— Housemaid knocks. " Please did I say eight 
or half-past that I wanted to be called at ? " No matter, 
I will get up directly. " What time will I like breakfast 
then ? " When Breezer comes in. 

8.15 a.m. — Breezer comes in. Very fresh, noisy and 
hungry. " Have I heard the shrimpers ? " Yes, I have. 
Post Horn. " Morning Paper ! Morning Paper ! " 

8.30 a.m. — I get up. Every one seems to be going off by 
an omnibus or a fly. Thank goodness the place will be 
quiet. I am informed that this happens every morning. 
City men leaving for town. _ Then it occurs to me that 
there'll be a similar noise in the evening. City men 
returning from town. What a prospect! More Post 
Horns and Morning Papers. 

8 35 a.m. — Breezer j rushes in to ask me "if I like 
prawns," while I'm shaving. Cut myself. No : hate 
prawns. Begin to shave again. Post horn ! "Morning 
Paper ! " Another gash. 

9^o 10.30 a.m. — Note that seafaring men make a liveli- 
hood by carrying baskets about and yelling horribly. 

10.30 till 12 a.m.— Bathing women for a variety bawling 
out, "Any nice Soles to-day, Marm?" An insidious old 
creature tries to haggle with me over the railing. Go away. 
I don't want any. I never do. 

12.15 a.m. — Breezer has gone out. There is a lull in 
fish-fagging. I shall now get my books and papers, and 
commence my second essay on the Binomial Theorem. 
First, however,; I must look over an equation and elimi- 
nate x. 

12.35 a.m.— x is very gradually being eliminated ; and if 
I can only arrive at the square — Heavens ! what has arrived 
at the Square— at the corner? Three dirty boys with 
brazen instruments, accompanied by an infant whom some- 
body has trusted with a trombone ; what awful sounds ! 
Go ! go ! They won't go. x must stop where he is for 
the present. 

1 p.m. — The boys will now be driven from their post. A 
real German band has arrived at the other end of the 
Terrace. Hang those boys ; they don't care a bit about it. 
I'll try to eliminate a - . Post Horn! Morning Paper ! 

1.15 p.m.— They'll both go now, I should say. There's 
an organ man with a monkey just turning the corner. If 
I were inclined to be satirical upon my wretched state, I 
might say that during luncheon the private bands attended 
and played the following selections : — 

Overture, " Zampa " 
" La Mia Letitzia" 
" Whole Hog or Non< 
March from Athalie 

German Band. 
Whistling Organ Man. 
Ethiopian Serenaders. 
Organ with Donkey. 


Vocal Music, " Home, Sweet Home " Two Female Voices. I p- 
(Accompanied by street boys at various distances.) | ps 

Drum and Pandiean Pipes in distance. J 

2.30 p.m.— What a headache I've got. Post Horn! 
Second Edition Morning Paper ! Here, boy, is a penny 
to go away. No, I don't want to hear your burn again. 

Don't blow it, there's a dear good boy. No, Sir, he 
won't. Well, really— Post Horn again ! Second Edition, 
Morning Paper. Ungrateful child, so young and yet so 
depraved ! ! ! 

3 p.m.— Little boy has evidently told the street musicians 
that there is a gentleman at No. 9 willing to give pence. 
Here they all come ! My old enemies the Negro Melodisi s ; 
the monotonous Indian Prince, with his tum-ti-tum; 
acrobats ; organ drawn by a donkey ! Come one, come all ! 
A new idea ! Let me enter into the fun of the thing ! 
Play up! " I would I were in Ole Virginny /" I would 
you were, my blackguards. There's coin for you; leave 
me. They part and swarm again. 

3 30 p.m.— Breezer comes in. He has found a clever 
man with cup and balls, and has brought him to perform 
during his luncheon. 

4 p.m.— Powers of mercy ! Here are the boatmen come 



[September 19, 1863, 

back ! and the vociferous shrimpers, arid the bathing-women, and the 
entire morning over again. I shall go out. 

5 p.m.— 1 can stand it no loDger. All London is here. I have told 
the boatmen twenty times that I'm not going out for a sail- and the 
flymen evidently think it perfectly impossible for me to walk. I will 
go back and eliminate x. 

5.30 p.m.— Boatmen in again. More fish for sale. Post Horn ! 
Third Edition of the Morning Paper. 

Now we come to my proposal. Breezer wants change of air and 
noise : I require change of air and quiet. Both of us are representatives 
of a class. BREtZER represents a class; so do I. Mine, I should say, 
is a first class. Bheezer's class is well cared for. There 'b Brightgate, 
and Marton, and Ramsborough, and Scargate cum multis aliis all for 
him. But for me and my first class there is absolutely no place found, 
unless we give up our rights as members of a civilised community, and 
sojourn on some remote shore where the Times of five days ago is 
a luxury, and Punch a month old a literary treat beyond the reach of 
words. Let Breezer and his kind betake themselves to their marine 
Vanity Fairs ; be it for me and mine to take lodgings near the Delectable 
Mountains, with a fine open view of the sea, and my peaceful London 
paper every morning. 

Let there be a company (limited of course) formed, whose object shall 
be to provide a suitable watering-place for the lovers of quiet. Let 
them get a charter for the said town, and therein let the following 
stringent rules be set down: — 

1st. That the time commonly called 'cock-crow' be abolished; and, 
that, any cock neglecting the first warning, shall be killed, and devoured 
by the person or persons whom he may have disturbed. 

2nd. That to obviate all annoyance by postmen knocking and ringing, 
every one shall call at the post office for his own letters, that is, if he 
do earnestly and heartily desire to see them, which is, we hold, a rare 
and exceptional case. 

3rd. That no one shall consult anybody else upon any business what- 

4th. That no band of music be hired to play on, or in, any part of this 
town on any pretence of amusing the inhabitants thereof. 

5th. Further, that no man with a blackened face, or collection of 
men with blackened faces, carrying musical instruments of torture, to 
wit, banjo, bones, accordion, fiddle, castanets, triangle, kettle-drums, 
and such like, shall dare to lift up their voice or twang their instru- 
ments, or both, or either, within four miles of this quiet town, on pain 
of being washed. And what time the inhabitants shall hear the banjo, 
bones, accord ion, fiddle, castanets, triangle.kettle-drums, any, either, or all 
oi such instruments of torture, they shall rise up in concert and play upon 
said offenders with fire-engines, whereby said offenders shall be washed. 

" And from the mouth of our town 
Add thus much more : — That no Italian boy 
Shall play or troll in our dominions." 

7th. That all organ-men be excommunicated from our town by the 
ancient ceremony of bell, book, and candle ; omitting bell and book as 
conducive to noise. 

8th. That on Sundays, as every one shall know what time Church is, 
no bells need be rung. 

9ih. That anybody, of whatever degree be may be, who shall make, 
or cause to be made, any sort or kind of noise between the time of mid- 
night and midday, and between the time of midday and midnight, 
shall be branded, pumped on, and expelled. N.B. A mitigation of this 
sentence, by way of fine, may be, that the offender shall be brandied- 
and -watered, and made to pay for it all rouud. 

10r,h. That all such useless and noisy persons, as tinkers, blacksmiths, 
sawyers, knife-grinders, or wheelwrights, and such like, shall not ply 
their trade within five miles of the town. 

11th. That fly-men shall only speak in whispers. 

12th. That any newspaper-boy appearing in the town shall be forth- 
with hung. 

These are some of the few rules which I would bring before the 
notice of the New Quiet Watering-Place Establishment Company 
(Limited), of which it will give me much pleasure to be the promoter. 



he Tourist will now leave 
Antwerp with a view (which 
can be purchased at any 
stationer's shop) of going 
up the Bhine. He probably 
will have determined upon 
walking up several moun- 
tains, and so, by way of 
piactice, he should have be- 
gun by running up a con- 
siderable bill at his Hotel. 

Now if you are a mere 
machine in the hands of 
Murray, your attention 
will be attracted by the 
name of the next place, 
Turnhout ; but if you '11 take 
our advice, you will not 
turn bout of your way to go 
there. There is merely a 
monastery to be spen, where 
dwell the Monks of La 
Trappe. The chief of the 
order resides in Paris, and 
is called Pere la Chaise. As 
may be gathered from these 
hies, their occupation is to 
let out fljs, broughams and 

Cologne is to be our next point ? Yes ? very good. Then Cologne 
be it. For Germany ! Away ! away ! Music, and scene changes to 

Germany. — This country is bounded on every side by a lot of places, 
but that it has any connection with the German ocean is a mere German 
notion that must be at once dispelled. The male population are called 
Germans, the female, of course, Gerwomans ; the rest of the family 
Ger-boys, Ger-girls, Ger-babbies, and so on. 

The natives call their country Fatherland, and it therefore follows 
that the Mother-tongue is never spoken. The enterprising Tourist 
having to reach many farther lands than Ger-many Fatherland, must 
not be stopped too Jong by etymological considerations. 

The money of the country is simply divided into good and bad. To 
the former description, however, belongs the current coin. 

As a General Rule for Economical Travellers the ordinary English Six- 
pence will go a very long way if, for instance, you carry it with you 

from London to Constantinople, or any other distant spot. The 
Prussian dollar was, some time ago, of so little value as to be merely 
nix in the market. Hence the proverb, musically expressed by that 
ri-tooral Tourist, Mr. Paul Bedford, in the words, " A'ix my dollar ! " 

All Germans have long or short light-hair, to which natural ornament 
you will often hear them make allusion by saying, " Yah, mine hair." 

Their habits are simple, being coat, waistcoat and.continuations, as 
worn in England. 

Their language possesses only one word of any' importance, and that 
is " zo," which monosyllable, according to the_ tonic inflexion given 
to it, means everything and anything you like. 

Passports. — The traveller in Germany must have a passport, that is, 
an Order to see the place. No orders are admitted after seven. Evening 
dress is not now rigidly insisted upou, unless you're going to stop the ; 
night in a city or village; when, of course, you would adopt it for your own , 
comfort. If you are a member of Oxford or Cambridge, it is considered I 

September 19, 1863.1 



a graceful compliment on entering such a town as Heidelberg at eleven 
o'clock p.m. to appear before the authorities in your University night- 
cap and gown. The official who sits in his Bureau (you 11 hud him in 
the top drawer, left-hand side) will ask you if you're going to sleep 
there, to which you can reply by going to sleep there and then. English 
ladies travelling need not be in the least degree shocked at the mention 
of the officer in the drawers of his Bureau. There is no breach ol decorum 
here, and everything is conducted with due regard to piopnety. 

German Botch— If vou are going to stop, and if you are not going 
you will, of course, stop, it will be as well to come to some under- 
standing with the landlord. If he doesn't speak English, tmd you do 
not speak German, and neither know French, an understanding will be 
a difficult, matter. There is some legend attached to almost every old 
house in Germany, and all the ancient hostelnes are full ol long storeys. 
See that, your bed-room window commands a pretty view, which is 
invariably an object with us; if you fail to get such a prospect, that s 
y our look out, not ours. 

Beds—" The German bed is only made for one." This is what 
Murray says, and consequently the simple Tourist, acting correctly, as 
he imagined', upon this information, has, on arriving at a German town, 
immediately ordered a bed to be made for him. This is, we need hardly 
point out, an unnecessary expense; as, even alter the bed has been 
actually made for you, you cannot take it away. This rule does not in 
any part of Germany or Prussia apply to a hat or coat, which article, 
once made to order, becomes your own property. 

Brinks— You will find that the Germans are far ahead of the English 
in the point or pint of beer. We have hop gardens, such as those ol 
Cremorne and Highbury. They get a step beyond this and encourage 
Beer-gat dens. The beer, of which they are most justly pioud, is Meyer- 
beer. The pedestrian journeying along the high roads will encouuter a 
number of beggars who will address him in canting tones: this is the 
worst specimen of the whine of the country. These mendicants, by the 
way, are, generally Philosophers and disciples of Kant. 

Geography— The celebrated Harz Mountains are not in Germany, as 
is the common supposition. These heights are in Scotland ; and, in 
proof of this, everyone will recollect the words of the national melody., 

" My Harz in the Highlands." 

The natives in the eastern districts are known as a race highly suc- 
cessful in everything they undertake. In the west, however, the reverse 
of this is the case, and from the unhappy results which have attended 
all their efforts at, an improved cultivation, the district has long been 
known as that of " West-failure." 

Manners and Customs. — If five Germans are walking in a row, and 
meet a lady with whom only one of the party is acquainted, all the five 
take off their hats. If you meet five Germans you will raise your hat 
five times. The Englishman must take his politeness with him to 
the uttermost parts of the earth ; he can never, in our opinion, carry it 

too far. If you ever 
refuse to take your 
hat off to German 
strangers, you had 
better take yourself 
off immediately after- 
wards. As a stranger 
you will be expected 
to fight all the Ger- 
man students, who 
may be residing in 
the same town with 
yourself: if you do 
not conform to this 
rule, you will find 
^^ every one for whom 
j on have any regard 
v; " i urn away from 
|g you; and surely 'tis 
^> better to be cut 
V by a few students 
than by many friends. 
At dinner you will be 
careful to convey 
peas, beans, 
gravy to your mouth 
by means of your 
knife. The feat re 
quires some practice, and for some time your meals will have the 
dangerous character of a " Sensation " entertainment so popular 

Now then on we goes to Cologne. Your luggage, mind, must 1 
weighed, so send that baggage on its weigh as speedily as possible. 

At railway stations every one, except the railway guard, is unciv 
and though there are plenty of porters, you will find it necessary to 

carry your boxes yourself. Take them all at once, as you must never 
on any account part with your lugsage. Supposing that you are not 
well up in the language, keep on shouting out the name of your ulti- 


mate destination: this will attract the guard's attention, and he will 
put. you into the proper compartment. Wherever you are going you 
will have to change carriages three times at least on the road. Take 
this for granted, and change carriages at every station. Show your 
passport and railway ticket to everybody, so that there may be no mis- 
take. BOf you can't smoke, always travel second-class, and you'll soon 
get in the way of it. 

Be careful to observe all police regulations. On your arrival at any 
place, you, being widely suspected, are narrowly watched. Two police- 
men in plain clothes dog your steps day and night. The man who 
attends you as a laquais de place is a Government spy, who, unless you 
fee him well, reports everything you say, and plenty that you donot 
say, to his employers. If you want to go out for a walk by yourself for 
more than two hours, you must procure a "permit" from the police. The 
rharge for a walk by yourself is seven-and-sixpence for the first hour, 
five shillings for the second, half-a-crown the third and the rest. The 
Rest would of course naturally come after the third hours' walk. If you 
wish to take an umbrella with you, notice must be given two days 

Very good. Now having got your ticket, you've taken your seat in 
the carnage by the kind permission of the police, and in a few hours 
you will be at Cologne. 

Important Military Intelligence. 

YWt, Boyal Horse Marines.— The Christian names of Cornet Brown 
are, John, Richard, William, Jamfs, and not Jack, Dick, Bill, 
Jim, as he is usually called by his friends, tho' he doesn't like it. 


PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 19, 1863. 


Fare. " How much ? Now I know exactly what you 're going to say ! ' You 'll leave it to me ; 

I'll leave it to you I" 



Surely some emissary of Exeter Hall, humbugged by a Roman revo- 
lutionist, must be the writer of the following statement in a letter from 
the Eternal City :— 

"The great subject of interest in Rome just now is the approaching procession, 
which is to take place next Sunday, by express command of his Holiness, in order 
to animate the faith of the Romans in the Saviour during the present grievous 
necessities in Church and State. With all the pomp and splendour which the 
Roman court can confer, the venerable image of the Saviour, preserved at St. Peter's 
in the sancta sanctorum, will be solemnly carried to the Church of Santa Maria Mag- 
giore, and a week after to that of St. John Lateran for a halt of three days more, 
before returning to the Vatican." 

Could the foregoing story be believed by anybody but an ill-informed 
Protestant who thinks that the Pope and his flock worship images as 
such, instead of regarding them with a merely relative veneration, for 
which, of images representing the same original, any one image would be 
as good as another ? 

But what follows is still more absurd. It is an extract from an 
alleged invito sacro, described as having been published by the Cardinal 
Vicar : and thus beginning : — 

" Like the sacred ark brought by King David with solemn pomp into the city of 
Zion, let the adored image of the Saviour traverse the streets of Rome. Let us all 
turn towards it and repeat with humility and faith, ' Ostendt fuciem taam, et snlvi 
erimus.' Let it be introduced into the Basilica sacred to the Virgin, and there listen 
to the prayers and vows of his blessed mother Mary, instead of our prayers and 
vows. " 

Now all tliis, se non e vero, and surely there cannot be a word of 
truth in it, e mat trovato ; is a very bad invention. The latter part of 
it is absolute nonsense. The devotion of a glorified Saint to an image 
is an absurdity that hitherto not even Exeter Hall itself has asserted or 
imagined to be one of the " errors of Popery." The imputation to the 
largest of all Christian communities of believing iti images which hare 
ears to hear, has always been considered too ridiculous, or dishonest, by 
educated Protestants. Yet here we have the Pope represented as 
setting up an image to be worshipped, and the Cardinal Vicar as ascribing 
to it the capacity of listening ! Where will unscrupulous bigotry stop ? 

But, strange to say, the author of the above-quoted letter from Borne 
is no Exeter-Hallite, but the correspondent of the Morning Post. Are 
such things done as he doth write about at Rome, or hath he eaten of 
the insane root that takes the reason prisoner ? 


The great iuterest which we have created on behalf of the National 
Life-boat Institution, with the assistance of those gallant fellows who, 
by saving so many of their fellow creatures from being drowned, have 
called for our praises of that valuable society, induces us to mention 
that at a meeting relative thereto, it was reported that 

" Mr. Morraix, a member of the Society of Friends, residing at Matlock in 
Derbyshire, was making strenuous exertions to raise the cost of life-boats from 
persons bearing the same surname." 

We sincerely trust that Mr. Morall's exertions may be crowned 
with success, which is neither morally nor physically impossible. Eor 
if Morralls are not quite as plentiful as blackberries, they may be no 
scarcer than Peabodies, and one Morrall equal to a Peabody would 
be almost tbe makiug of the Life-boat Institution, and miglit benefit it 
more than all the rest of its supporters put together. We would, how- 
ever, suggest, as a good practical joke, that every man named Brown, 
Jones, and Smith, should call himself Morrall, and, under that bor- 
rowed surname, send any convenient sum of money to that truly chari- 
table Institution, in aid of which Eriend Mokball is appealing to the 
benevolence of his probably not innumerable namesakes. , 

Wonderful Winking. 

Accobding to the Tablet another picture has been rolling its eyes in 
a Cliurcli near Rome. We wonder if a photograph of the Pope would 
wink. It should, if it were taken just now, when, according to the report 
published by the Italian Parliament, the Holy Eather himself is 
winking at Bourbon brigandage. 

September 19, 1863.] 




he Society for the 
Prevention of Cru- 
elty to Animata, will 
read with pain the 
subjoined extract 
from Galignani : — 

" Bull Fight. — At a 
bull fight which took 
place a few days ago at 
Nismes, one of the tore- 
adors named Milhomme 
was severely wounded 
by one of the animals." 

Poor fellow ! Every 
humane person must 
pity him extremely 
tor having met with 
so unmerited a mis- 


A Small Market- 
Gardener, who al- 
ways brought his 
scanty stock of vege- 
tables up to Covent 
Garden in his own 
wheel-barrow, lately came into a large fortune. His first act was to 
build a house for himself after the style of a mediaeval baronial resi- 
dence. Mindful of his own calling (and a very good street-voice he 
possessed) he named this architectural effort, his Wheel-Barrownial 
Hall., i 


It is a popular mistake to suppose that all quotations come from 
Shakspeare. There are two great English writers in whose works all 
familiar household words can be found : the one is the Immortal 
William abovementioned, and the other is generally known as, " the 
Poet." This mysterious personage, who will always be anonymous, is 
the father of all such lines as cannot, at the moment of utterance, be 
foisted upon an/ other author. " The Poet " is no very distant relation 
of " The Man in the play," by whom all the best dramatic jokes and 
wittiest sayings of the stage have been, from time immemorial, uttered. 
A few instances will suffice : — 

" Each is so like both that you can't tell t'other from" which, as the 
man says in the play," though as to when he said it, why he said it, in 
what manner he delivered himself of it, and what led up to it, we have 
no existing evidence of any sort or kind. 

Quotations from our friend " The Poet " are more reverently given. 
The Poet is always mentioned as saying whatever he has got to say, 
e ' beautifully," thus :— 

" The Rose is fairest when 'tis budding new," as the Poet beautifully 

Shakspeare is generally made answerable for proverbial expressions, 
and invariably mentioned by the speaker with sentiments of the deepest 
admiration. Thus :— 

" Yes ! how truly Shakspeare says, ' The Boy 'is Eather to the 
Man.' " 

Let the student carefully search the Bard's entire works from the 
beginning to the end, in order to ascertain the context to this line. 
Let him also note down in which play it occurs. 

Quote Shakspeare correctly and exactly, and be able, when asked, to 
give your references, which we hope will of course be invariably satis- 
factory and respectable. Thus, if in some speech you wish to make a 
great point of an apt quotation about Mercy, why here you have it :— 

" The quantity of mercy is not strained,' 
It droppeth as the gentle jew from heav'n, 
It blesseth him as gives and him as takes,| 
And is thrice blessed." 

This" is, (you must explain lucidly) of course, from the Mercutio of 
Verona, Act last, Scene 1, when What'shername tells Thingummy 
about the pound of whatyoumaycallit. 

On the occasion of your being called upon to make an address to the 
Young Man's Working Asylum, or whatever it may be, in your native 
village, you may safely lay emphasis upon the following line as grace- 
fully reflecting upon the progress of mental cultivation and thus 
declaim ; "As the Immortal Bard has said — 

Who'safely climls let nim not climb at all." 

And again, to use the words of Othello, 

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. 
Beware of green-eyed monsters." 

On great and memorable actions- 

On sleep- 

" Sleep, gentle sleep, Nature's soft ship boy, 
How steep are your eyelids ! " — Henry IV. or V. 

On treason— 
On delay— 

" To-morrow and To-morrow and To-morrow ! " — Macbeth. 
On philosophy — 

" There is more philosophy in Horatio than in heaven and earth."— Hamlet. 

The pangs caused by ingratitude here find a beautiful parallel— 

" Blow, blow, thou winter wind, 
Thou art not so unkind 
As my tooth that can't be seen, 
Which his name is Charles Kean : 
That man's ingratitude ! " — Shakspeare. 

On the instability of human greatness — 

" Farewell, a long farewell to all my greatness. 
I have tried to swim on little boys 
This many summers in a sea of bladders, 
But far beyond my depth, and when he falls 
He falls as I do, and lights a lucifer again. "—Cardinal Wolsey. 

Since making the above extracts, we find that there are other English 
Authors besides the above-mentioned celebrities, and we will therefore 
devote ourselves to squeezing the literary orange, and will give the 
essential sweetness at some future time to our expectant readers. 


Philosophers to whom it is meat and drink to find a fool should go 
to Baden-Baden. They will there find two fools ; probably a great many 
more, for, amongst a lot of gamblers, there are at least as many fools 
as rogues ; but certainly two fools at least ; two uncommonly great 
fools ; two sanguinary fools as they may be called with truth as well as 
nicety. These two fools are indicated by our sporting friend Argus in j 
a letter to the Morning Post, about the races at Baden-Baden, containing i 
the statement that, at that celebrated resort of sharpers and blacklegs : j 

" The salons have been very crowded morning and evening, but no heavy blows . 
have been struck on either side, and the sensation writers have been without any 
material for romantic paragraphs. An affaire d'honneur has, however, just been 
arranged for to-morrow, between a French and Milanese nobleman. The cause is 
the same as that which led to the destruction of Troy in ages past. The weapons 
are to be sabres, and the rendezvous is as well known as that of a fight for the | 
Championship is at Limmer's." 

What is called an affaire d'honneur had much better be called an | 
affaire defolie. This is what a duel especially is when the cause is the ; 
same as that which led to the destruction of Troy. For, before that ! 
event, the dominant idea of the French novel had ever been the fellest J 
cause of warfare, wherein, however, the unremembered slain were ; 
savages no better than brutes, slaughtered by a stronger brute. If the 
cause, for which the noblemen referred to by Argus were to tight, was ; 
in every respect like what led to the destruction of Troy, the repre- ' 
sentative of Menelaus, had he been wise, would have sued the j 
equivalent of Paris for a divorce, instead of giving him the chance of • 
constituting the like of Helen a widow. Perhaps, instead of a Helen, I 
the contents of a Crinoline, which those fools quarrelled about, were of no i 
more consequence to either of them than the heroine of a fashionable ■ 
but ignoble Opera. How utterly foolish for them to play with their j 
lives for stakes' of so very little value. The two British pugilists who i 
fought the other day for £1000 a-side, had something like a prize to 
fight for. Mace and Goss were Solomon and Socrates compared to 
the two noble fools at Badeii-Baden, who have by this time probably 
exhibited themselves as fighting-cocks to the spirits of the wise that sit 
in the clouds and mock them. 

Crux for the Critics. 

We, in the interests of true science, beg to inform Critics of the 
Rationalistic and Materialist Schools, that it was only last week, there 
came before our notice, the extraordinary fact of a gentleman who went 
to Brighton, and there slopped the day and night. | , 

'most musical, most melloncholy! 
A BuMOURis afloat that Mr. Alfred Mellon's Concerts are 
proving so successful that his friends now speak of his becoming quite 
a Mellonaire. 



[September 19, 1863. 


' ' Smell o' bacca, 'M? Oh, yes, 'M — that 's cos they 're so fresh, 'M. Sailors 
is alius a smoking— so that New caught fish is sure to taste more or less 
o' bacca, 'M." 


The subjoined paragraph, 
extracted from a contemporary, 
presents a curious instance of 
female self-assertion : — 

" Wine-Bibbing Nuns.— The Ber- 
lin National Gazette states that, ac- 
cording to an official report, the funds 
of the Convent of Eschenbach, at 
Lucerne, have again diminished by 
a sum of 23,000 fr. The 39 ladies 
inhabiting the Convent spent 5,800fr. 
during the past year in wine and 
beer, without reckoning the sum of 
2,650 fr., which the convent owes to 
a wine-dealer. All attempts at in- 
ducing the inmates to adopt a remu- 
nerative employment have hitherto 
been fruitless." 

These toping nuns evidently 
aspire to all that potency in 
potting for which monks were 
ever celebrated. Pro omnibus 
bibo has been represented as 
the burden of a friar's song in 
the days of old ; but a sister 
of the thirsty community at 
Eschenbach might with equal 
propriety carol the same strain. 
We should like to hear that, 
jolly sisterhood chant it in chorus, or sing Habitantes in sicco. The 
celebrated canticle of Walter de Mapes, Est mihi propositum in 
tabernd mori would have a most edifying effect on any one privileged to 
hear it sung by those good ladies in refectory. 

It is no wonder that the Eschenbach nuns cannot be persuaded to 
adopt any remunerative employment. Why should they work if they 
can afford to spend so much as tliey do on good liquor, unless to clear 
off the little additional score which they have run up at a wine- 
merchant's ? Let us hope that they are not prevented from working by 
that excess of devotion with which the disciples of St. Crispin are prone 
to observe St. Monday. 

So we should think. 


Wishing to expand his mind (if that indeed be possible) Mr. Punch 
the other day devoted a spare minute to read the Lady's Newspaper. 
Among a vast variety of most instructive information, from the last 
news about bonnets to the very latest novelty in fashion for a ball-dress, 
Mr. Punch was much delighted with the following intelligence, which 
he trusts that all his lady-readers will attentively peruse : — 

" Stats Unfashionable in Paris.— A Paris correspondent writes :— The unusua 
heat of this month has, along with the efforts of the Coontess de Castiolione, 
caused a salutary change in the fashions. Stays for the present, are thrown aside, 
and replaced by the more becoming ceinture Suisse. Neither does a tight body form 
any longer an indispensable portion of a lady's dress. It is replaced by a loose one 
of white muslin or coarse linen, worked in imitation of the bodices worn by the 
peasants of the Romagna. Loose silk jackets are also greatly worn. It is possible 
that this style of dress will continue a long time in fashion, the doctors of the E.M- 
pkess having advised her Majesty to imitate the style of dress recently adopted by 
Madame de Castiglione, who, like nearly all her countrywomen, holds pinched 
waists in aversion, and, whatever mistakes she may make in other matters, has 
the good sense to believe that stays rnust produce a red nose or a sallow complexion." 

If by her example the Empress should succeed in making stays 
unfashionable, Mr. Punch will forgive her for her patronage of crino- 
line ; for he must certainly admit that an absurdly-widened skirt is not 
so dreadful a disfigurement as a pinched-in narrowed waist. Crinoline 
is a nuisance, but at least there is no crime in it. Now, tight-lacing is 
a sin, for it is virtual slow suicide ; and, if they did their duty, parsons 
ought to preach against it. The female mind in general is attentive to 
the pulpit ; and the Reverend Mr. Roseleaf might be listened to 
perhaps upon the sinfulness of waist-pinching, whereas a deaf ear would 
be turned to a mere medical adviser. The example of the Emprkss 
wou'd, however, be more heeded even than a sermon ; and if Eugenie 
succeeds iu abolishing tight lacing, she will earn the lasting gratitude 
of Mr. Punch and all posterity. 

By way of a deterrent, there is little use in saying that a shrunken, 
shrivelled, skinny, stiffened, stajs-pinched waist is a positive deformity, 
and as much a bar to beauty as a club foot or a squint. So long as 
they be fashionable, ladies care but little about making themselves 
frights ; and while small waists are thought "the thing," they will at 
any cost continue to be cultivated. Bent spines and reddened noses 
will follow in due course, with headache, giddiness and faintingfits, 
and other fashionable ailments. "Mais n'imporie," gasps the victim, 
"I am in the fashion. My waist is smaller than Miss Ciu""hribbe's, 
and hers is only sixteen inches in circumference. Yes, it * mid be five- 
and-twenty, if Nature had her way ; mats la Mode change tout cela, dis- 
tortion is the fashion." But the Venus de' Medici—" O, don't talk to 
me of Venuses ! You say her great thick clumsy waist is twenty-seven 
inches round, and yet those stupid artists speak of her as 'perfectly 
proportioned ! ' Now /stand five feet three upon my military heels, and 
measure fifteen inches and three quarters round my waist, and you 
don't mean to compare my figure with the Venus' s ! ! Besides, Sir, 
Gentlemen — I don't mean nasty smoky slovenly-dressing art ists— admire 
a slender figure, and think it most becoming. And as I'm dying to 
get mar— 1 mean, to please the gentlemen, why you see of course I 
must lace in my waist a bit, though it makes me feel quite faint at times 
and sadly pant for breath, especially when waltzing." 

So you think, young ladies, do you, that men like a slim waist ? Well, 
so they may perhaps, if it be one of Nature's moulding. But when 
Nature makes a slender waist, she makes it lithe and lissome, and that 
is what your staymakers by no art can accomplish. When a man has 
the good fortune to get hold of a girl's waist, he likes to feel it soft and 
yielding, and not buckramedand bone-stiffened. Moreover, men before 
proposing are apt to look a-head a bit; and much as they may value 
good looks in a wife, they put a higher estimate upon good health and 
good temper. Mow, a large doctor's bill is often caused by a small 
waist, and so a wife who has this latter proves a dear one to her 
husband. Then as to temper, Nature won't be outraged with impunity, 
and if you distort the body the mind soon grows disfigured. So a 
pinched frame is avenged by a peevishness of temperament, and a 
woman with a wasp's waist is generally waspish. 

So, ladies, dear kind silly thoughtless loving lovely ladies, do let com- 
mon sense for once gain admittance to the fashion-books. Eollow the 
example which, if the above report be true, has been set you by the 
French, and throw aside your stays and other instruments of waist- 
torture. Believe us (and Tom Moore) that however much we may 
admire a pretty dress, we cannot look, on it with pleasure when it is 
laced so tightly that : — 

" Not a charm in Beauty's mould 

Presumes to stay where Nature placed it.", 

We know you dress to please us (at least you tell your husbands so), 
and depend on it, dear ladies, there is not a man among us— not being 
a born fool — that does not hate, detest, abominate, and occasionally 
swear at the sinful, suicidal fashion of tigbt-laciug, which is every whit 
as frightful a personal disfigurement as the squeezed skulls of the Elat- 
Heads, or the crushed feet of the Chinese. 

September 19, 1863.] 




It is declared in a popu- 
lar adage that " the early 
bird picks up the worm." 
The truth of this adage, 
which should be obvious 
to a Partridge, and felt 
by every Beak, has been 
recognised at the Thames 
Police Court along with 
that of another, namely, 
" better late than never." 
According to a news- 
paper report, at the 
above-named tribunal : — 

" On Saturday Mr. Par- 
tridge commenced business 
at half-past ten o'clock m 
the morning, to the great 
satisfaction of those in attend- 
ance, his practice hitherto 
having been to come at a later 
hour. On the previous day 
the Magistrate was made ac- 
quainted for the first time 
with the inconvenience 
caused by the late and irregu- 
lar sittings of the Court, and 
expressed his deep regret that 
anything of the kind should 
have happened. He had re- 
solved to commence business 
earlier in future, and it ia 
hoped that he will now com- 
ply with the Act of Parlia- 
ment, and take his seat at ten 
o'clock. This would be con- 
ferring a great boon on the 
public. Mr. Woolrych, who 
has on many occasions not 
arrived until fifteen or thirty 
minutes past eleven, is now 
also expected to arrive at an 
earlier hour." 

This piece of intelligence suggests proverbial philosophy to us at such a rate 
that were ^ great living author not still alive in the body, we should think that 
we were impressed by the spirit of Tupper, if a medium could be inspired by 
a genius so much above mediocrity. We will only add that, in resolving to attend 
to their business betimes, the Magistrates of the Thames Police Court have shown 

a just appreciation of the character of the many rogues 
they have to deal with, and who are so crafty that, as the 
saying is, you must get up early to take them in, whether 
legally, or otherwise, as they take in other people; and 
whose vigilance is such that, late or early, it is as hard to 
find them napping as it is to catch a weasel asleep. 


An inquest was held the other day at St. George's Hos- 
pital on the body of a man who had died of delirium tremens, 
brought on by loss of blood from a wound. In evidence it 

was stated that : — 

" His arm was bound up, and he was taken to Dr. Armstr9Ng's, 
of Duke Street; but that gentleman said he would rather not have 
anything to do with the case. Deceased was, therefore, taken to the 
hospital. " 

The cause of death having been explained by the House 
Surgeon of St. George's :— 

" A juror raised the question, whether Dr. Armstrong, had acted i 
rightly in refusing to attend the deceased ; but it was overruled, as it I 
was considered that the hospital, being near, was the best place for j 
the deceased." 

Of course; particularly as the poor man's arm had been 
bound up, and there was no call for Dr. Armstrong's | 
interference. On the contrary, if he had meddled with the 
case, its fatal termination might have occasioned him to be j 
blamed by censorious busybodies for not having referred 
it to the safer care of the hospital. The juryman who was 
so sharp as to "raise the question whether Dr. Arm- j 
strong had acted rightly" in doing what was dictated 
by caution and common sense, should consider that the 
alacrity which British jurymen are accustomed to exert, in 
pouncing on a pretext for censuring a qualified medical 
practitioner, is apt to defeat its own end, if that end is the 
public good. Eagerness in the enforcement of responsi- 
bility is noble and virtuous, but tends to cause responsi- 
bility to be, if possible, declined. It would be well for 
British jurymen, and some others as zealously severe, 
to remember, not only as regards medical men, but with j 
respect to all whose services are hazardous to those who 
require them, that the British Public cannot have its j 
pudding in the advantage of enterprise, and eat it too in 
the satisfaction of enforcing responsibility. 


Concerts and Cathedrals have been the lot of the good folks of 
Worcester ; and this " lot," in order to give a spice to our article, we 
might mention as that celebrated "dinner-relish," 'yclept, the Worces- 
tershire Sors. Musicians and vocalists from Worcester, Hereford, 
Durham, and many other places were there, and in the long trumpet 
solos, too great praise cannot be given to the Hereford short-horns. 

This reminds us of Cattle ShowSj and we gather, " from information 
that we have received," that the River Mersey is going to be converted 
into a sheep-walk ; that it will be a pretty fast walk for any sheep we 
conclude from the fact, that, the farmers have already turned in their 
steam-rams. Mersey on us ! what next ! Shall we see in spring time, 
hot joints of delicate lamb walking about on the bed of the stream ; and 
baaing by their mothers' side ? In this case the flow of the water must 
necessarily be stopped, as the river will be full of Dams. How beauti- 
fully has the prophetic Dr. Watts alluded to this novelty. Many years 
ago the Seer, even then in the seer and yellow leaf of his age, wrote, if 
our memory correctly serves us, these jwords.': — 

Evidently foreshadowing the remarkable event of which we are now the 
veracious chroniclers. 

Without much difficulty, we get from our" muttons to wool, and we 
might get to tliat Woolley sheep whom the Insurance wanted to shear, 
but we prefer allowing our thoughts to glide from the wool to " the 
place where the wool ought to be," that is, the woolsack, and so with- 
out quitting our ovine friends, we come straightway to the bar-lambs. 
The annual day for [granting licence to counsel, will soon be here : 
whether there will be any strong opposition, we do not know ; the bar- 
rister's motto, is "All's fair in love and law." 

The City Commissioners of Sewers are going to turn their attention 
to the relief of sempstresses. 

Everyone has heard of " Mathews at Home," and everyone is now 
hearing of Mr. Charles Mathews abroad, where, however, if we 
may credit the reports which come from the Theatre of Varieties in 
Paris, he seems quite at home. He made his first appearance in Erance 

as the Bashful Englishman ; perhaps it is almost superfluous to say that 
it was his first appearance in that character. 

Drury Lane is open. It is true, we believe, that Mr. Phelps 
offered to play Manfred by way of a graceful compliment to Mr. Fal- 
coner's partner, the Acting-Managing Man Fred. B. Chatterton. 
However this may be, Lord Byron's Mystic Drama, which, by the 
bye, he gloried in not having written for the Stage, is at some time or 
other coming out at the Lane, and coming out pretty strongly too. 

Social dialogue in the western streets of London is now somewhat 
limited. Nobody with any pretence to gentility likes to meet anybody. 
When, however, at any right-angled corner collision is inevitable, the 
exclamation is "Hallo! you here!" Whereupon the weak individual 
thus caught at 'a disadvantage, blusliingly. replies, " Ye-e-es. I'm-a- 
a-just passing through Town," and escapes in a cab as quickly as pos- 
sible. To keep up his character in the eyes of his friend, he will perhaps 
direct the cabman to drive to Euston Square, at the same time consult- 
ing his watch in a hurried and impetuous manner. When he has been 
carried some way, he will look through the trap-door of the Hansom, 
and sav with assumed audacity, " Go to-uni-Number 2, Terracotta Ter- 
race, Pentonville," where the miserable deceiver has his perpetual abode. 

Talking of going abroad, energetic travellers wishing to combine the 
pleasure of seeing lar distant countries with the economy of staying at 
home should not fail to pay a visit, and a small trifle for the visit, 
to Mr. Telbln's admirable Panorama of the Holy Land, now exhibiting 
in the Egyptian Hall. Here you have the East in the West. Mr. J. 
B. Blckstone, for whom the painting was originally executed, 
does not deliver the lecture, nor does he sing Hebrew melodies ac- 
companying himself upon the Jews' harp, as we had been led to expect. 
Without a weekly shadow of a joke, nobody now in Town ought to 
miss this opportunity of an excursion to " Palestine and Back in Two 
Hours ! ! " 

A correspondent has written to us, saying, that he has been greatly 
disturbed by a certain statement which appeared the other day in the 
Times' Tide Table. He fears, he says, that we are coming to the end 
of time because of the following announcement :— 

" High Water at London Bridge. 
Morning 45 min. after 11. 
Afternoon O mm. after 4." 

Good gracious! No minutes after four! This really looks O-min-ous. 



[September 19, 1863. 

« IP" 


First Foreigner. " M'sicu,vooley-vous me dirigay le chemeng — a— -pour— de— ou est 
' le Bcwrow de Post ! " 

Second Foreigner (on a tour with his girls). " We, we, Wsieu, vous gardez too 

\ drwaw par le cotay de Place ou les—les Omniboos arrytay— " (Here he gets flustered 

| by violent nudges from both daughters.) " Et alors vous prenay le — vous tournay en 

I bas-le-le dooz — 'n fact keep straight on, second turning f th' right, fust t' the left, and 

there it is, just opposite the church— " 

First Foreigner (enlightened). " Oh/ Thanky, Sir, much obliged; good morning.' 


Bomba. when he lost his crown, 
Wished to shell Palermo town, 
Gillmore would have, knocked it down, 
He rains Greek Fire on Charleston. 

Fear restrained King Bomba's wrath 
From an act of savage scath, 
Nothing stands in Gillmohe's path ; 
He hurls Greek Fire on Charleston. 

General Gillmore found it hard 
To come over Beauregard, 
So he played a Yankee card, 

And poured Greek Fire on Charleston. 

Asked to let the townsfolk go, 
Gillmore bravely answered " No ! " 
And proceeded, no ways slow, 

To pitch Greek Fire on Charleston. 

Gallant Gillmore, warrior stern, 
Babes and women thus to burn ! 
What a deathless name he '11 earn, 

That threw Greek Fire on Charleston ! 

Nana Sahib, rest unsung, 
Let none speak of Badahung, 
Since bold Gillmore bombs has flung, 
And cast Greek Fire on Charleston. ' 

Do but think what shriek and yell 
Rose where dropped his Parrott shell. 
When he dies you '11 say, Ab, well ! 

He threw Greek Fire on Charleston ! 


In his recent analytical report, Dr. Robert Dundas 
Thomson, F.R.S., said, that, " The Thames was charged 
with impurities." Dr. Thomson is a man of the very 
first water, and we can hardly believe that he would 
have made a statement like this against such a respectable 
old stream, without good evidence to support it. When 
was Old Father Thames charged in the manner above 
mentioned ? Where ? * * * Since writing the above, 
we have received information, which causes us to fear that 
the old gentleman, annoyed by the report., has made away 
with himself. He was last seen running along by the 
Bank, who was therefore an eye-witness of what he 
I relates. He was going in the direction of the Sea. Ah f 
| as Shakspeare says, " What a noble mind has here over- 
| flowed ! " 


As Summed up by a Sporting Surgeon. 

" Doncaster. Pshaw ! You'll not catch me going there this 
meeting, 1 can promise you. Yes, I like seeing a good race, and 
the St. Leger is a crack one : but the fact is, just at present there are 
races here in London, which to me are far more interesting. What do 
I mean? My boy, I mean the Races of the Omnibuses, and I'll 
trouble you to show me any that can equal them. One goes to 
races chiefly for excitement. Now, to get up a sensation there's 
nothing like an accident, and for the chance of a good accident there's 
nothing like a 'bus race. Yes, I know all that : there was a spill last 
Derby, and not a bad one, either. Still, you see, in horse-racing if 
there is an accident, it's only to an animal, or may be to a jockey. But 
in 'bus-racing, my boy, there is no telling what may happen, from a 
conductor being crushed to a child being run over. Besides, the 'busses 
may capsize in rattling down a hill, for of course when they are racing 
they never stop to put the skid on. And then, the chances are there'll 
be a jolly lot of casualties, and you may get some goodish cases if you 
are looking out for them. 1 make a point myself of attending all the 
'bus races ; and I assure you, I've picked up a pretty tidy lot of prac- 
tice at them. You see, there's sure to be a race as soon as a new 'bus 
is started on a line ot route which has been worked by the General 
Monopoly Inconvenhdl Conveyance Company. Directly the new 'bus 
starts the G. M. I. C. C. start a couple more to nurse it, one keeping 
close in front and the other close behind it : so besides the chance of 
being torn to pieces by the cads, the passengers in getting on or off the 
'busses while going at full speed, are pretty sure to come to grief and 
broken bones occasionally. 

" So, long live this 'bus-racing, say I ; for however great a nuisance it 
may be to the public, it is certainly a benefit to men of my profession, 
and the longer that it flourishes the better will it be for us. The only 
thing I fear is, that, by some accidental act of common sense, a jury 
should return a verdict of manslaughter against my good friends the 
directors of the G. M. I. C. C. who are, after all, the chief promoters 
of 'bus-racing. In that case there would, doubtless, be a stop put to 
the sport ; but the contingency of common sense occurring to a jury 
is really so remote, that it is hardly worth considering." 

Sabbatarian Persecution. 

The Recusant Haymakers of Leigh, some of them poor labourers,, 
have been distrained upon for the penalties inflicted upon them by the- 
Atherton representatives of Midas, for the offence of saving hay on a 
Sunday. We have not heard that any of them have been set in the 
stocks yet, as they were condemned to be, failing distraint by reason of 
no effects. In the meantime they have appealed asainst, what appears- 
to be an illegal conviction, and if that is quashed what will become of 
the Atherton Justices ? Will their long ears be permitted by Govern- 
ment to vibrate any longer on the Athertou Bench ? 


The other day, a Lady, whose name, for obvious reasons we forbear 
to mention, was supplied by an eminent dentist with a false set of 
teeth, and, curious to relate, she has ever since spoken in a falsetto- 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Wobnrn Place, 
Wbitefrinre, I ity of London. Printers, at their Office i 
City ofVmdoo.— SiTvanar, September 19, 1863. 

September 26, 1863.] 



:: ^>^^«^ 


Old Salt (who has got Sixpence apiece out of the Children). " There, my dears, 
you've got a Kitten for a Shillun' as had ought to a bin Sevin and Six- 

for Five Bob ! " 


Shadows ! How can one discourse of Shadows/ now that Mr. Hind, writing 
from Mr. Bishop's Observatory, has said that the Sun is nearer to us than ever. 
A powerful glass has brought this luminary so close, that, no doubt, in time, about 
the year 2008, we shall see placards all over the town telling the men of that 
generation how they can enjoy " Three hours at the sunny-side for half-a-crown ! " 
The sun is nearer. Well, common sense, apart from the aid of astronomical science, 
should long ago have informed us that the Sun was not Farther. Then again the re- 
flecling mind may see in this new scientific theory a consequence boding ill to the 
world; for, if the Sun gets nearer and nearer, will it not be more economical of its 
light ? 

We believe that President Lincoln is about to publish a Book of Poetry ; the 
style will be that in which he has lately been writing. 

Will our readers believe history or an Edinburgh Reviewer, who has calmly 
asserted that the Druids never had any existence. Good gracious ! Do not 
we know better than this? How about Grisi in Norma? We should say that 
that allusion is, from an argumentative point of view, rather a settler. What, 
was Adalgisa no better than a Mrs. Harris ? Did never an Oroveso intone L his 
double-bass notes under the shadows of Stonehenge? And what of that? says 
our antagonist. Nothing, we reply, and thus amicably end a discussion, which we 
were not the first to begin and the Reviewer has not taken up. 

Another weik of Alfred Mellon's Concerts. Covent Garden has been over- 
crowded whenever Mr. Santley or Miss Carlotta Patti has sung ; and when 
Lotto has played the violin, such a lot o' people went to hear him, that we should 
advise Mr. Mellon to goto the Parliamentary Committee rooms in order to get 
powers of extension. 

Cardinal Wiseman, in consequence of the great succes of his recent Lecture 
upon Sell-Culture, has, we hear, been applied to by Mr. E. T. Smith to give a series 
of discourses in the Circus at Cremorne, upon the Progress of True Science, 
illustrating the same by putting on the gloves with Professor. Mace. We 
do not know whether His Eminence has accepted the terms, but we are inclined 
to think that a previous arrangement to appear as Mr. Polytechnic Pepper's 
ghostly adviser will prevent him. 

Everyone will bedejighted to hear that a Flamingo from 
Pernambuco has arrived in Paris. The Imperial and 
August, we should say September, couple will pay the 
stranger a visit on their return to the Tuileries. Who 
does not recollect, the poet's beautiful description of the 
innocent creature's prattle :— 

Another novelty in Paris. The French Acclimatisation 
Society has just received a Chinese Rose-tree that "changes 
its colour three times a day." On hearing this, M. Mon- 
talembert immediately made the following conundrum ; 
" Why is this rose-tree like a single sculling outrigger 
let out for hire?" The answer, given by Mr. Charles 
Mathews, who happened to be passing by at ihe moment, 
was " Because, it so often changes its sculler" 



Air.—" Will you walk into my Parlour." 

" Will you come into our Union ? " 

Said the Saucy to the Shy, 
" Though now in an unsettled state 

It won't be by-and-by. 
You only have to nod your head 

Our gladness to restore, 
And vow, when to a Yankee wed, 

Obedience— nothing more. 
Will y ou ? won't you ?— won't you ? will you on our 

love rely ? 
For many a year, my Canny dear, we've nothing 
done but sigh.; 

Do you, Canny, pine for freedom, 

Indeed it shall be thine, 
If you '11 but lift your modest veil 

And promise to be mine ; 
No jealous eye shall scan your steps 

When you to market go, 
Your duties will be very light, 

For love makes all things so. 
Will you ? won't you ? &c. 

There's energy in Yaukeeland 

And capital to boot, 
We spend a mint of money 

In the country where we shoot. 
By no unruly cliildren 

Are our slumbers ever broke, 
Our house has only got one fault, 

It's not quite free from smoke. 
Will you ? won't you ? &s. 

Believe in the United State. 

Felicity you '11 find, 
Provided that you watch your vords 

And never speak your mind ; 
Our mangling is all done at home 

Ev'n foreigners confess, 
What a charming gloss we put on tiings 

Committed to the Press. 

Will you ? won't you ? &c. 

In maiden meditation, p'rhaps 

You've gazed upon the Stars 
That rule our lofty destiny — 

Particularly Mars ; 
And much you've marvell'd what those St irs 

With Stripes can have to do— 
Those stripes are meant for dogs that bark, 

As 'tis their nature to. 

Will you ? won't you ? &c] 

Confide in Yankee honour bright 

Despite what snarlers say, 
That Jonathan seeks a rich Bride , 

His dreadful debts to pay. 
To thee he 'd rush with open arms 

And passion pure this minute, 
But as Canny dear is cased in steel— 

His foot he might put in it. 
Will you ? won't you ? &c.| 



[September 26, 1863. 


To Mr. Punch. 

ir, Very well, call 
my letters what you 
like. I am past 
caring for anybody's 
ill manners. 1 may 
be ' bilious,' though 
I believe myself to 
be simply in that 
state of highly rec- 
tified spirits which 
refuse to mix with 
cant, and twaddle, 
and humbug. 1 de- 
cline to be a dulcet 
signior, conceding 
good intentions, as 
my friend Carlyxe 
says. I hate most 
people, and dislike 
the rest. But if I 
were bilious, I have 
yet to discover the 
3 delicacy of an edito- 
' rial jeer at my infir- 
mity. I suppose 
^ you are spiteful at 
having to stay in 
3 town and attend 
(more or less) to 
your duties, while others are in the fresh air. As if I, for one, went away for 
anything irrespective of your periodical's interests. I regret such a display or. sub- 
acidity, but nothing surprises me now. 

" I did not remain long in Wales. I sliould think that nobody in his senses 
would do so, if he could help it. I saw a Welsh Bard, standing at the door of 
a third rate public-house at Llanmanboverymymgch. They told me lie was a Bard, 
but he did not look at all like the one in the pictures illustrative of Gray. He had 
not a long white robe of priceless samite, neither had he a beautiful white beard 
and hoary hair streaming like a meteor in the troubled air. He had a blue coat 
with brass buttons, a yellow waistcoat, very seedy black trousers, too short, whereby 
I beheld no socks above his high-lows. The bard had a very large and fluffy hut, 
and he was drunk. He was not performing on the harp, but he was playing the 
lyre, for I heard him say that it was ten o'clock, when it was not even nine, which 
gives you an idea of these wretched Cambrian minstrels' powers as timists. 1 should 
have had 'sincere pleasure in massacring that bard (did I ever tell you that 1 am 
descended from King Edward the First by the side of a great uncle once removed 
—to Botany Bay V ) but, there was a policeman near, who might have misunderstood 
my motives. So I looked ray disgust, and went on to the station. I record it, 
however, as my opinion, that Wales will never make any advance towards civili- 
sation until even thinking in Welsh is made penal. But Gallic- Pam cares for 
none of these things, and Mr. Gladstone actually goes and spends his holidays in a 
Welsh castle, which is called Harden, and is in Flint, after which can you wonder 
at a cruel Income-Tax ? In fact., you must be very foolish to wonder at anything. 

"Then I went to Chester. Queer old place. Very good beer at a pastrycook's. 
Looked at the old houses in Watergate Street, and paid the neighbourhood the 
usual compliment expected from tourists, of pushing everjbody about, that I 
might get a good view from opposite shops and doors, and of shouting very loud 
that the architecture was 'very fine, exceedingly fine, net perhaps quite so good 
as was said, my dear, but really very fine, and quite worth seeing.' I shouted all 
this in a large and encouraging manner, but it did not seem to produce any great 
impression, perhaps from having been heard from so many Paterfamiliases before, 
sol came away, and bought a toothbrush, which I lost at Liverpool. An j body 
finding it had better send it to your office, and you may return half a crown from 
yourself. The wait at Chester was one hour after the time the train for the North 
was appointed to start. We protested, but the guard was smilingly obdurate. We 
must wait for some train from some place I never heard of. It came at las*, and 
disgorged three tipsy farmers, two sailors, and a fish-fag, all of whom were hastily 
and indignantly rammed by the guard into a third-class carriage into which I had 
seen about a dozen people previously put. Consequently there was a row of the 
most fearful kind in that carriage all the way to Liverpool, and 1 think the 
sailors destroyed some of their fellow-passengers, but as I was in a hurry to 
see St. George's Hill, I did not stop to ascertain particulars. 

"St. George's Hall I should describe to you (and the fact that I did not see it 
would have made no difference to an experienced tourist and contributor, with a 
guide-book in his travelling-bag) but the subject brings humiliating considerations 
up. Here is Liverpool, a wretched kind of shipping town, originally made pros- 
perous by the slave tra 'e, and as G. P. Cooke, the aclor (there were actors then, 
and they were not afraid of ' giving offence ') said, with all the stones of its mansions 
cemented with the blood of the blacks. It is bigger now, and there are some 
more ship3 (some of 'ern built fur the slave-owners) and I believe on the whole 
it is rather a respectable place, and its young swells are the most stiff-backed, ill- 
dressed proviucials you ever didn't wish to see. Yet this Liverpool has got the 

most beautiful hall in England, a real glory of architecture, 
and also a thing that answers its purpose. London has 
got Exeter Hall and the Grog-Concert Halls for its 
musicalities. I don't care about music, but there is a 
musical world and also a Musical World that go on as if 
the final cause of human creation were fiddling, and yet 
they tamely sit down in a state of abject humiliation, as 
regards a temple for their worship. This is ail I mean to 
say about Liverpool, except that the ferry business enab'ed 
me to have a cigar in great, discomfort, and that the arrange- 
ments for getting to the Scotch train are eminently calcu- 
lated to repel tourists. _ They— I mean (on this occasion) 
the arrangements, are simply beestly. 

" The people at Carlisle are savages, who do not speak or 
understand English, yet they are not unkindly, aud I 
obtained a glass of milk from some children who infested 
and enlivened our carriage, by my masterly pantomime, 
expressive of milking a cow. One of the good-natured but 
heavy-handed giants who toss the heaviest luggage about 
as easily as Hector tossed the big rock against, the 
Grecian fortifications at Troy, was so pleased with my 
performance and its success, that he gave me what he 
meant for an approving pat on the back, but his epigram 
sent me several yards, and landed me iu the astonished 
stomach of a London tailor who was going Norlh. and had 
disguised himself in, I must sav, a very neat Highland 
suit. He did not know me, indeed Vich Ian Pattern- 
book was too much flustered at my onslaught to draw 
his breath, far less his dirk ; but I know him, from trans- 
actions in other days to which the Statute of Limitations 
makes it unnecessary for me to refer here, or elsewhere. 

" ' The sun shone fair on Carlisle wall,' as in the days 
of the old song, and enabled me to read the placards 
and posters that ' hung thereby.' There was not, however, 
any information in those documents which need be repealed 
to you, except that the railway people have had a faint 
touch of honesty, and instead ot monstrously promising 
the excursionist 'ten clear days in Scotland,' merely 
offer him a fortnight there, ' whether or no,' as was 
very wittily said by a clergyman in our carriage. I 
rewarded that ecclesiastic by handing him the Sporting 
Life, containing an account of the combat between 
Messrs. Mace & Goss, but he glanced at his beetle- 
browed wife opposite, and her cold stern glance bade him 
decline the lively journal j but he should not, as a clergyman, 
have lied in the presence of children, and said that, he did 
not read much on the railway, because of his eyes, inasmuch 
as the infants had seen him reading for two hours at a 
book by Dr. Cummin g, which could not have done him 
half so much good as the narrative of the fight. These 
things make me tremble for your Establishment — I say 
yours, because I write in a land where I am a Dissenter. 
It don't seem to hurt much. 

" A few hours, and a station reminded me of a Chorus 
which I heard in one of Leman Heed's smart burlesques 
(I thought 'em so then, and I believe rightly, but it is about 
twenty years ago) — 

" Guardians may goad their poor beasts to be following, 
Cry of pursuit echo mountain and hollow in. 
Swift as the water-kelp dashes her shallop in 
Over the Border we're all of us galloping, 
Galloping, galloping, galloping, galloping, 
Over the Border we 're all of > 

" ' Gretna Green.' ' Ah ! ' I said, turning to a lady in 
the carriage, with a melancholy inflexion in my rich voice, 
and a softened gloom in my fiue eyes, ' Gretin Green. 
Here,' I continued, ' the little Dove, flying from her home 
in the care of a strange mate, and unknowing whether 
fortune had given her the haughty Falcon, the gentle 
llingdove ' 

" ' Or the great Goose, which was much more likely 
as men go,' replied the lady, with some promptness. ' I 
do wish you would leave off talking nonsense, and kneel 
down and feel for the keys which you have thrown down 

" She had thrown them down, Mr. Punch, but I scorn 
to contest details. Indeed, what is the use of contesting 
anything in this world ? 

" Do not rely on regular correspondence. There are no 
regular posts in Scotland; or, if there ate, nobody knows 
when they go, aud everjbody tells you different, things. 
There are two London posts from Glasgow, and as far as 
1 cau make out, you save a day by sending by the latest, 
only that the letters by that despatch are not delivered uuiil 
tlie morning before, or the evening after, or something. 

September 26, 1863.] 



I have consumed sixteen drams and thirty-two ekes in trying to under- 
stand it, and I can't. I believe the safest way is to leave the letter on 
the table in the hall, and .trust to fortune. A safer way may be not 
writing at all. 

" Yours sceptically, 
" St. Rollox Chimney^ Glasgow." " Emcubus Rotundus." 


" Tite advantages of early rising for the administration of justice are 
signally instanced and explained in the subjoined extracts from a report 
relative to the Thames Police Court :— 

" As it should Be. — The Magistrates of tbis court have commenced husiness at 
fifteen or thirty minutes past ten o'clock since the 5th instant, to the great con- 
venience of the public. The change has effected immense good. The Magistrates 
have been enabled to leave the court every afternoon at five o'clock, and good ord el- 
and quiet has prevailed. The people attending upon the night charges and remands 
are away before the prisons Attending on summonses arrive. There has been no quar- 
relling or disorder in the avenues leading to the court, and there is no prospect while 
the present system continues of people bring detained until seven and eight o'clock 
in the evening, or of leaving the court wearied, exhausted, and disappointed.'' 

It may with truth and justice be averred that — 

" Early to bench and early to rise 
llaiks a Beak popular, pleasant, and wise." 

The parties, however, who are interested in the dispatch of business 
at the Thames Police Court, find that 10.15, or 10 30, though vastly 
preferable to 11, is not quite sufficiently early to completely suit their 
convenience ; and they say that : — 

" If the Magistrates will follow up their good intentions and commence business 
at ten o'clock precisely every morning (the hour at which the judges commence 
business in Westminster Hall), they will confer another boon on the inhabitants of 
the district. Two additional clerks are much required. Two clerks were appointed 
to the Thames Police Court when it was first established 60 years ago. The busuiess 
has since increased tenfold, and no additional clerks have been appointed. Two 
clerks are not sufficient for the business of the Court, and were it not for the assis- 
tance of the ushers and summoning officers, matters would be brought to a 

It, does not'seem unreasonable to ask his Worship, the Magistrate, 
to turn out at the' same hour in the morning with my Lord Judge. 
The rogues are all up and doing betimes, and justice ought to be even 
with them. The. moralist in the Grammar declares that the way to 
good manners is never too late; but it appears that a Magistrate may 
be a little too late and nevertheless on ins way to amendment. Por 
we are further apprised that on Tuesday last week : — 

" Mr. Woolrvch arrived at the Court this morning at a few minutes after ten, 
heard the applications immediately, and commenced the, hearing of the night 
charges at half-past ten." 

A few minutes past ten is only a few minutes too late. It is an 
approximation to ten sharp; which is the desiderated hour. The 
Thames Police Court reporter seems happy to report that Ihe Magis- 
trates in their attendance there, are tending to that hour, which, when 
they have adopted it precisely to a minute, will be just the time of day. 

living potentates and statesmen. As, from the peculiar aspects of the 
political horizon at the present time, the Company is led to anticipate a 
large accession of business in this department, early application is 
desirable. His Majesty the King of Prussia, has been graciously 
pleased to identify himself with this movement., further information 
concerning which may be obtained of Mk. Craft, the Company's 
travelling agent, to whom (for the present) communications may be 
N.B. No relation to Mr. Cal Craft. 


This Company has been established under distinguished auspices, 
and in accordance with the enl'ghtened ideas of the age, for the restora- 
tion of tarnished historical reputations, by the reversal of contemporary 
judgments. It differs from all other renovating establishments in this 
important and unique feature, that whereas the latter profess only, at 
the very utmost, to restore the fabric upon which they operate "equal 
to new," the present Company undertakes to reproduce it in more than 
pristine freshness, imparting to even the most blackened character 
qualities and beauties which never belonged to the original, and so 
effectually disguising the latter that even his nearest friends would fail 
to recognise him; Recent scientific discoveries have enabled the Com- 
pany to adopt a mode of operation similar to that employed in the pro- 
duction of dissolving views, and under the skilful management of the 
experienced operator, the boldest outlines of character are seen t'o 
disappear in a manner as astonishing as it is beautiful to behold, being 
replaced by the most exquisite touches at the will of the artiste, or 
by patterns made to order. The most inveterate blemishes effectually 
removed, and crimes of the deepest dye mellowed into harmonious 
combinations, and warranted to wash. 

The Company anticipates important results from the present advanced 
and advancing state of spiritual science, arrangements having been 
made for a systematic supply of intelligence direct from the most 
approved mediums. Several highly interesting communications have, 
in fact, already been obtained from spirits of the highest celebrity, who 
have shown themselves perfectly at home in the business. 

It is intended to open a branch establishment for the purpose of 
extending the operations of the Company to the acts and designs of 

The Congress at Frankfort at the Present Time. 



Two interesting advertisements appeared the other day in the Glasgow 
Herald. The following one of, them, however, is evidently not 
Scotch :— 

ANTED, a NEWSPAPER, to represent the Catholic public in 
Glasgow. It must neither be sensational, vulgar, nor anti-Catholic. A great 
local want will be supplied by such a journal. 

Do we not know the fine Roman hand ? By Roman we do not mean 
Papist, but Irish, to use a mode of speech which is itself Hibernian. 
The party advertising as above for a Newspaper to represent the 
Catholic public in Glasgow cannot be that Catholic public itself, unless 
it consists wholly or mainly of Irish immigrants. No otherset of 
people would describe the characteristics which they wish to distinguish 
their required journal as consisting in three negations. The state- 
ment that " a great local want will be supplied hy such a journal," 
as one for which the little public that, wants it, is obliged to advertise, 
also savours of the generous uncalculating child of Erin. No Scotchman 
could conceive such a speculation, much less dream of the possibility 
that, anybody would venture on it. 

The other advertisement is more Scottish, but rather calculated to 
foster superstition : — 

ANTED, a Second-Hand COFFIN.— Address, stating lowest price, 
A. 72, Herald Office. 


The author of this notification must be, if not a maniac, a vampire. 
A. second-hand coffin could not be inquired for by anyhody but a body 
leading a sort of life in death. No regular ghost would ever ask for 
such a thing. It may be conceived that a vampire might • his old coffin 
having fallen to pieces, and he being unable to afford a brand-new one, 
More probably the advertiser is a fool ; most likely a Scotchman gone 
mad on economy. As to the second-hand coffin which he wants, where 
is the undertaker who will undertake to furnish one ? 

Diplomatic Advice to Russia about Poland.— Bear, forbear! 



[September 2G, 1S63. 



Why must I be driven to slaughter on the cursed field of battle, 
Very likely to be butchered there with torments spared to cattle ? 
By what law and for what reason must I life and limb surrender ? J 
Mot because my country claims me from a foeman to defend her. 

Then a duty would demand self-sacrifice ; but what occasion 
Subjects me to death and torture as the soldier of invasion ? 
If the Sovereign People's will must send me to be slain and mangled, 
Tyrant worse ne'er spoke the word at which a crouching slave was 

Let me sleep with perfect limbs, my head snowed o'er with life's full winters ; 
I don't want a mass of iron to smash my shin-bones into splinters, 
Bullet crashing through my face to tear away whole features, whether 
Under-jaw, or cheek entire, or eyes and nose perchance together. 

Jagged fragment of a shell to rip and tear up my abdomen 
Is what I'll allow if I can help it for the whim of no man. 
What ! Must I lose arm or leg to serve the madness of my nation ? 
And be forced to undergo the agony of amputation? 

Tourniquet, and saw, and knife, and bullet-forceps for extraction 
Looming clearly in my view, 1 'd rather not go into action, 
Probably with shattered bones thence to be jolted in a waggon, 
Yelling all the way so loud that it were well I had a gag on. 

Crushed and writhing on the plain in carnage I object to welter, 
Ridden o'er by cavalry in charge, or flying helter-skelter; 
Lancer or dragoon upon the ground there stabbing me or slashing : 
On my wound or in my mouth a horse his hoof of iron dashing. 

Pever, too, and gangrene I regard with infinite aversion, 
1 had sooner die at once, so let them shoot me for desertion ! 
Health and home 1 'd fight to guard, and consequences little think on, 
Won't go South to bleed and rot by order of Dictator Lincoln. 

Official Order — All Cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied 
with umbrellas by Government. 


If the Atherton Magistrates, who fined a farmer and his labourers 
at Leigh for saving hay on a Sunday, are not yet removed from the 
Commission of the Peace, their neighbours might adopt a method of 
dealing with their Worships which would probably have the effect of 
bringing them to their senses. Are the servants of those Justices 
accustomed to render their masters and mistresses any menial services 
whatever on Sunday beyond such as are absolutely necessary ? If so, 
let all those domestics, who can be ascertained to have so offended 
against the statute which prohibits labour in a person's ordinary calling 
on the " Sabbath," be summoned before their own masters for that 
offence. We shall see what Justice Shallow will say to John Thomas 
charged with cleaning knives and forks or boots on a Sunday. 


Tfie Opinion, speaking of Charles Mathews's success in L' Anglais 
Timide, as all the more remarkable because he had not pre-puffed him- 
self, observes : — 

" The illustrious Mathews, so well known in the three kingdoms, doubtless 
thought it useless to have himself recommended in France. He did not know the 
extent of our ignorance ; the English read our journals and reviews; but we in 
France do not read the Times, and that for good reasons." 

Eh? " And that for good reasons." That is strong language. Has 
it not procured for L' Opinion the honour of a warning P 

Composing a Strife. 

A Telegram from New York conveys the following important in- 
formation : — 

" The Mozart Hall Committee recommended the delegates of the State convention 
to secure the union of the Democratic party by avoiding all contest." 

The principle which the Mozart Hall Committee appear trying to 
carry out is one which must be allowed to be worthy of Mozart. If 
they could but establish harmony between North and South, they would 
achieve a work worthy of the great Composer. 

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— September 26, 1863. 



September 26, 1863.] 




Little did Mr. Punch ever think that lie should live to praise the 
observations of a French Marchioness on dress in a Fashion Book. It 
is, however, with the most hearty approbation that he quotes the 
Maeqtjise de Bernis, in the Paris Elegant, writing as follows :— 

" We had better take care, or else we shall soon be transformed to boys, as far as 
our dresses and costumes can produce the change. Already we wear boots, vests, 
waistcoats, hats, stiff collars, flat sleeves, like college lads, and we are going to put 
on their coats too ! " 

Punch is delighted with this exclamatioa against gentlemanlike boots 
and— well, vests at present, as Madame la Marquise says ; but it 
will be boots and other vestments next, as she means .to say. Bless 
her ! This charming lady continues : — 

" The grand novelty at present is the coat— not as it is cut in the present day, 
but in the Louis the Fourteenth shape— a sort of close paletot, cut short, with 
3kirts, and defining the waist. However, this new garment is longer than the saut- 
en-barque, or sailor's jacket." 

The saut-en-barque or sailor's jacket'! Very fit for the heroine in the 
ballad of Billy Taylor ; lor "a lady fair and free," or free and easy; 
but uot for a lady pure and simple. Madame de Bernis thus 
describes the other thing, which is longer than the saut-en-barque, and 
in describing condemns the ridiculous.oddity : — 

" It ia made of every kind of stuff and in every colour, but the most proper are 
made to match the dress. Still better would it bo to abolish it. This coat or habit 
was formerly worn by ladies, but in a different manner. It was then worn as a 
riding-dress, and put on over a long wide petticoat a queue, with very thick tucks. 
Beneath it was a vest, and under that a man's shirt, with lace frill and sleeves, 
besides a man's wig, descending in large curls or rings, and a felt hat cocked up 
above the ear, with a white plume going round it." 

Can anything more" absurd be conceived short of the accoutrements 
of Guy Pawkes ? So we shout in indignant disgust ; but., the Mar- 
quise de Beknis remarks mildly with subdued feeling : — 

" That undoubtedly is a very masculine style of dress, but as a riding habit it has 
always been considered very proper. But when converted into a walking or visiting 
toilet it is a different matter, and I think it ought not to be adopted, without 

This is a gentle -way of saying that it is an 1 execrably ugly r thing. 
Indeed "it ought not to [be adopted without reflection," and the re- 
flection of the looking-glass, one would think, might suffice to prevent 
the most unreflecting idiot in Crinoline from To continue, 
however, a most admirable criticism :— 

" For this there are several reasons, but one of them is enough, I think. Why 
should we women remodel our exterior, since we claim to be the fairest half of the 
human race? Let us continue to be woman, as God made us, borrowing nothing 
from the other sex but one or two of the qualities and advantages which have fallen 
to their share." 

Now, really, ifit'were not for the matchless nose and chin of Judy, 
the paragon of her sex, Mr. Punch would envy Monsieur le Marquis 
de Bernis— unless the Marchioness is a widow. But can that be ? 
Only by her own determination. How sensibly she writes ! How 
beautiful she must be, endowed as she is with so exquisite a sense of 
propriety in the decoration of beauty ! But we beg her pardon k for 
interrupting her :— 

" Some people pretend that our steel hoops are to be given up. Alas ! there are 
as yet but few and faint signs of the release. However, there has been a rumour 
that the crinolines would be laid aside, although" the dresses were to continue long 
and full and more flowing than ever." 

Madame de Bernis then' goes on to describe the arrangement 
whereby Crinoline may perhaps be superseded, but which, it is to be 
wished, will include, in the first place, .the reduction of superfluous 
drapery. She adds :— 

" Should this desirable amendment become law, you will unite with me to hail 
the reform, and rejoice at the removal of those iron machines by which our figures 
have been transformed into fortresses, whilst they have been felt as a clog and a 
nuisance to every one who approached us." 

A clog and a nuisance'indeed when they'constitute a lovely creature, 
like the authoress above quoted, a sort of out-door nun in a cage, behind 
a grate ! 

How much longer will females persist in attire which is not only 
masculine but mail ? By the bye, with a view to bring the "clog and 
nuisance" so delightfully denounced by the Marquise de Bern is 
into contempt, wouldn't it be a good plan for tavern-keepers, in choosing 
signs for their public-houses, instead of our old friend, " The Hog-iu- 
Armour," to substitute a pig of the softer sex, a pig in Crinoline, to be 
called the " Sow-in- Armour 't " A good enough design, for the re- 
quired pamtiug might be furnished by many a Royal Academician. A 
little above, mention was made of Guy Pawkes. Now, as Crinoline 
tends to make a Guy of the wearer, could not Guy Pawkes be employed 
as a vehicle for exposing it to derision on his approaching anniversary ? 
In one of Mr. Punch's talented sketches its capability of being repre- 
sented by firewoiki has been already suggested, and as an element in a 
bonfire it would intimate a most admonitory moral. 


According to the reports of the Registrar-General, marriages oflate 
have been somewhat on the increase. How far such advertisements as 
that which we subjoin may have assisted towards this desirable result, 
we leave those who like to do so quite at liberty to guess :— 

HOW TO WIN A LOVER.— Post free for 26 Stamps (secure from ! 
observation), the most curious work ever published in the English language, j 
entitled MATRIMONY MADE EASY. By loUowing the directions contained I 
therein you can win as many of the opposite sex as you wish. All may be married, | 
irrespective of age, appearance, or position. And, in addition to the above, you will I 
also receive full particulars how to ascertain a person's true character and dispo- 
sition. These secrets, once known, can be acted upon by any person. There is no i 
chance of discovery, and failure is impossible. Since introducing my valuable plan, I 
I find another person advertising and pretending to send something similar. It is | 
impossible. He cannot, dare not, advertise my secrets ; being copyright, they are 
the original and only genuine, and cannot be obtained from any one but myself. — 
Address J. W., &c. 

What a generous-hearted man must the advertiser be to sell so valu- 
able a book at a price so very moderate. Surely the "most curious 
English work ever published" ought to command a higher price than 
six-and-tvventy postage stamps, one or more of which would have to be 
deducted for the cost of transit. We should have thought that the 
demand for the most curious book extant could scarcely be supplied, 
more especially considering the interesting nature of the subject which 
is treated in it. Well, clearly we must say goodbye to all our good old 
bachelors, and pleasant nice old maids. With " Matrimony made easy " 
there will be soon none of them left. " Pailure is impossible" in win- 
ning either wife or husband, if one but carry out the plan of courtship 
which J. W. suggests. Is it not expressly stated that, to those who 
know his secret, " age, appearance, and position," will prove no bar to 
being loved ! Here is the Open Sesame to every sort of heart : whether 
male or female, a tender one or tough. The only fear is that by follow- 
ing the directions of J. W., there may possibly be more hearts broken 
than united. The power to win " as many of the opposite sex as may 
be wished," would prove, we fear, to some people a dangerous tempta- 
tion: and as neither age, appearance, nor position would prevent them, 
we might hear of an elderly maiden costermongeress with red hair 
and a squint wearing out in hopeless passion an Adonis of a duke. 


" Mister Punch, Sur, ' 

" i ham the sellybrated man and boy, leastways the boy (the 
man bein generly believed dead) whose name some ears ago wos so fre- 
quently before the public in coneckshun with the nelson collum. Sur, 
i c by the papers as that ere collum is about to be completed in conse- 
quens of Sir he Lanseer aving modled them lions as is to be put at 
the fut. Now, Sir, i umbly begs to recall to the mines of a jennerus 
public the long survis (a survis hextendin over many ears) rendered by 
me at the aforesed period. I ham now, Sur, a married man with a wife 
and famly, most of urn smal, but we ave bin misfortnate in regards of 
mesles and hoopin corf, whitch theres 2 dyed, let alone me bein hout o 
reglr work, wh i atributes to the aspershuns on my industry as wos 
carst at the time wen i worked with the man, and my bein a kind of 
marked caracter in consequens. Now, Sir, me and my wife we wos a 
thinkin wen we heerd as the moniment was in a way to be finished, 
that (to use the eros own words) if hevry man done is duty summat of 
a testimonial like shud be presented to me as the Boy (the man as 
aforesed bein supposed dead) bein a kind of Istorikle caracter. My 
wife (but er alius ad i noshuns along o bein under ousemaid in a lord 
mares famly) er do say, ' jim, they ull make you a lord shure,' but wot 
hi do say is that four shillun a week paid reglr as a penshun, likewise 
arf a bounce o baccy inkluded, woodnt be out of the way, and satisfy 
me. Opin, sur, as ule kindly consider on it, 
" i remane, 

" ure umble and obleeged, 1 

" Short's gardms, Aug. 27." " the Boy (as wos)." 

I believe you, my boy.— Punch. 

Ecclesiastical and Histrionic. 

In a newspaper paragraph it is stated that "the Bishop of Norwich 
has commenced proceedings against the Rev. G. Drurst, rector of 
Claydon, Suffolk, for having introduced innovations into the celebration 
of divine worship in the parish church." Those innovations consisted 
in the performances of the extraordinary clergyman who "stjled him- 
self the Rev. Brother Ignatius, O.S.B." got himself up something 
like a Roman Catholic Priest, and read the Liturgy as though he were 
saying Mass. The Bishop, we presume, is down upon Mr. Dkury, for 
allowing his church to be turned by Brother Ignatius into a sort of 
Drury Lane. 


[September 26, 1863. 



ere we are at Co- 
logne, a German 
Cologaey. You will 
stay a short time; 
let us say that you 
will stop for the 
space of a semi- 
Cologne. Cross the 
bridge, taking care 
however not to go 
over it, and take up 
your abode at the 
Belle-vue Hotel, 
Deutz side. 

It is said to be 
the "largest and 
wealthiest city on 
the Rhine." So far 
Murray ; but if 
this is so, what does 
he mean bv saving 
"Pop. 100,000"? 
" Pop " is, of 
course, a delicate 
way of hinting at 
the existence, in this 
place, of that large 
number of Pawn- 
You will dine at the table d'hote, unless for privacy's sake you like to 
order the table-d'hdte all to yourself in a separate apartment, in which 
case the hungry visitors will be rather astonished. You would probably 
fill yourself, but you would empty the hotel, and very soon there would 

" No one in de house wid Diner." 

who stops to eat, remains to pay. 

Howbeit you must remember that 

In the evening, 
sit out in the gar- 
den overlooking the 
moonlit Rhine, 
and becomepoetical. 
" Wine " rhymes to 
" Rhine ; " and in 
the mouth of any 
affected demi-swell, 
the roll of whose 
pedigree is probably 
as slight as the roll 
of his R, the word is 
precisely the same. 
You have seen the 
tableau in the open- 
ing of an Opera. 
Here you have the 
original. Peasants, 
priests, soldiers and 
travellers grouped 
about the grounds, 
drinkirg, _ laughing 
and talking while 
the band is playing. 
Mark your time, and 
by way of showing 
your appreciation of 
the scene, come for- 
ward to the lights, cup in hand, and give them a tune. i_The libretto 
might be, for instance— . 

Wine! Wine! Wine! 
Liquor of Rhine. 
Ichor divine. 
Mine ! Mine ! Mine ! 

Thine! Thine! Thine! 
Oh, it is pleasant, 'tis 
At present, at present 
To drink The Wine. 
Spar-ar-ar-kiling Wine! 
Spar-ha !-klingwine ! ! 

This may be followed by a short dance, very short, and you will then 

be, probably, kicked out. This will not prevent your returning in order 
to show that you bear no malice, and can enter into the fun of the thing. 

Sights in the City.— The best sight is unfortunately hidden from view. 
It is the site upon which the City of Cologne stands. After this, the 
Cathedral. Cologne Cathedral is older than the Nelson Column, but 
is even in a less finished state. The order of architecture to which this 
noble pile belongs was probably "Building by contract," and one of the 
parties failed. To describe it minutely would be tedious; we will 
therefore say that the doors have a good deal of open-work about them, 
and great panes have been taken wiih the windows. The only pointed, 
style in the Cathedral to attract the Tourist's notice will be that of his 
Cicerone, by whom everything inside will be pointed out to him. 

Caution.— Beware of the Suisse, that magnificent Esquire-Bedell in 
the Cathedral. Por all he looks so grandly-harmless, his hat is cocked, 
and may, by way of a salute, go off. Beware ! 

The Choir is about 161 feet high; more than a hundred treble 
octaves above the level of the C. The Base of the Cathedral assists on 
Sundays, and tones down what would otherwise rise into a screech. 

In one of the side Chapels, where you 'd naturally expect a piece of 
sculpture by Chantrey, you will find an old painting in Distemper. 
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals ought to remon- 
strate with the Poreign Ecclesiastical Authorities on the subject of this 
picture. Poor thing ! in Distemper since 1410 ! 

There 's plenty more to be seen, but you 've got a pair of eyes we 
suppose, and we really cannot stop here talking all day. We saw 
everything in the place, why shouldn't you ? Do you give it up? If 
you do, come along somewhere else. As we suppose that you have of 
course lost your luggage, it is not necessary that you should return to 
your hotel, where you 'd only have to pay your bill, and thus make 
yourself uncomfortable on that score. 

Notice. — There are many books published now-a-days informing the 
tourist how to see the Continent for five or ten pounds in as many 
weeks. We can tell him how to see it for nothing. Insist that the 
steamboat brought you by mistake while you were saying good bye to 
a friend ; go away saying you '11 bring an action against them, and they '11 
offer to take you back again ; disdain their proffered courtesy ; they '11 
be frightened and offer you money not to tell ; if they do, take it ; if 
not, they'll be only too glad to put you on shore and get rid of you. 
After this, unencumbered by packages, your course is easy. The hotel 
is not built that can hold you for any length of time. You can tell the 
various landlords that you are going out to look for your luggage, and 
this search may reasonably take you many miles away from the place 
where your last little bill was run up. The trains go so slow, that with 
very little practice, you can easily get out during the journey, and thus 
avoid all those absurd forms and ceremonies attendant upon rendering up 
the ticket, which, as you, when travelling economically, do not possess, 
would simply be a waste of time, and would materially retard an other- 
wise rapid progress. Your foreign fellow-travellers will, if asleep, not 
see you ; for they have a way of closing their eyes when in a somnolent 
state, and, in this particular, resemble Englishmen. If their eyes are 
open, the fumes of tobacco will be an effectual cloak for your exit. 
Should, however, any one of them see you and tell, the chanc are 
that the rest won't believe him : and if they do, they'll merely laugh 
at the eccentricities of the English, and consider your conduct as the 

September 26, 1863.] 



ordinary mode of travelling adopted in your own country. The railway 
carriage is your only difficulty, aud we've shown you the way to get 
out of it. In this manner a great deal more of the country will be seen 
than if you were shut up in a close compartment. 

The man who prodigally pays his way and tips the servants, is some- 
times remembered, but the man who doesn't is never forgotten. They 
will be looking out for you everywhere, they will be even anxious about 
your health, and he desirous of seeing you again as soon as possible. 
This is affecting, but, don't stop for it. Hire some conveyance that will 
gallop past the ■well-remembered windows, whence are peering the 
old familiar faces. Be open-handed with them as befits your gene- 
rous nature, and wave adieux from your fast disappearing vehicle. 
You can always get rid of the driver by asking him to get down and 
pick up that parcel you 've dropped in the road. When he has retraced 
about three hundred feet of the road, jump into the box seat, crack 
vour whip, cry "Tchk! " and then once more urge on your wild career. 
You can sell the carriage and ride the horse, which after carrying you 
some distance, will fetch a sum that will enable you to travel like a gentle- 
man when you get back to England. If any Economical Tourist's Com- 
panion can show us a better method than this, we should be glad to 
know it. We will tell you How to go to Cologne for Nothing ! Well, 
you see, if you 've nothing to go for, why, there you are. This advice 
is only applicable to a minority of loungers. 

Now we 've seen everything that can be seen, aud we 're going to quit 
Cologne. Let us turn our attention to post-travelling ..and payments 
appertaining thereto. 

German miles are different to English or Irish miles. In olden 
times there was a league of barons, counts, and dukes, which must 
have had as queer an effect as seven miles worth of the aristocracy 
would have in England. By this league all other distances were 
measured : and the greatest distance was bet ween the lust baron and 
the first shopkeeper. Leave your card upon the Chief Baron before the 
long vacation commences, and he will tell you all about it. 

Postmasters are empowered by Government to compel their passen- 
gers to carry the horses and drag the carriages up all the hilly places. 
When you hear and see a liigh hill you will doubtless exclaim, 

Irinkgeld or drink-money is the sum given by way of liquidating your 
debt to the postilion. 

Before journeying by carriage take the number of your horses: this 
ensures civility. 

Purchase, for your own private reading, all the back numbers of the 
Eisenbahn Telegraph, which is a German Bradshaw ! With a, very slight 
knowledge of the language you may derive considerable pleasure from 
the daily study of this delightful work. The only man who ever 
attempted it, was ultimately found all alone in his room at the hotel, 
trying to set .the. railway guide to music, marking each bar with the 

time of the different trains. He is now quite harmless, and passes his 
days in playing elaborate fantasias from Bradshaw's Railway Guide for 
the current month, on the bassoon or violoncello. 


" Mk. PuNcn, 

" One Mr. Edward Mathews has had the folly to publish, 
in Hie Morning Post, nearly a column of impertinence headed 'Closing 
Public-houses on a Sunday,' being the copy of a letter which he 
took it, upon himself to write to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, 
inviting Mr. Gladstone to be such a fool as to allow himself to be 
numbered with the subscribers to an association seeking, by legal 
means, to prohibit the Sunday traffic in necessary drinks. Mr. 
Mathews appends to his intrusive twaddle the notice which the 
Minister condescended to take of it in the shape of a refusal written by 
his Secretary. The sour drivel of Mr. Mathews is pervaded by the 
same tone of pedantic restrictiveuess as that which distinguishes the 
generality of Sabbatarian demands for the abridgmeutof religious liberty. 

" As an illustration of the humbug which Mr. Mathews agitates, 
let me call your attention to the subjoined story told by .Mr. Bass, 
I M.P., in the Chair at a public dinner, the other evening : — 

I "On the evening of the division on Mr. Somes'b Motion, he (the chairman) was in 
i a down-stairs room in the House of Commons, where.Honourable Members overcome 
-with fatigue, or oppressed by the eloquence of talking Members, sometimes assem- 
bled to chat and smoke cigars (Chirs.) One gentleman there said to him, in refe- 

i rence to the subject of the Bill, 'What nonsense it is.' {Loud cheers aw* lauulder.) 

I Without swearing, however, he (the chairman) entirely agreed with this remark. 
j But when the House a few hours afterwards went to a division, he saw this gen- 
J tleman coming out of one end while he (the chairman) was coming out of the ottier. 
j The gentleman excused timself by saying that there was no great harm in what he 
! was doing, as Mr. Somes'b party was sure to be in a minority." 

" And this blaspheming hypocrite who exclaims What nonsense 

Somes's Sunday Bill is ! and then goes and votes for it, is a sample of 
the representatives of Sabbatarianism in the House of Commons. I 
give Mr. Mathews and the Sabbatarian crew joy of their Honourable 
Member, aud would say to Mr. Bass, 'Name, name!' in order that, 
the fellow's const ituteuts, may not be misrepresented by him at the 
nt 'election. Believe me, Mr. Punch, 

" Yours sincerely, 

" liberty Hall, Sept. 1863." " Anti-Mawworm." 

Compiled by an Old Bachelor of Forty Years' experience. 

Gimp. A sort of nail used in their high-heeled boots, or something to 
do with the ring of a parasol ; can't make out which. 

Ticken. Shawls are usually made of this, and those fancy scarfs 
for evening dress.— N.B. It is called "dear" when they like it best, 
though only sixpence a yard. 

Gussets. Same as " Linsey Wolsey," I think, a fine calf-skin leather 
for ornamenting riding habits.— Note. It has very sharp prickles, as 1 
found once when I sat down on a bonnet made of it, mistaking the 
thing for a bunch of flowers. 

Tulle. Not yet sure of this, but suspect it is the needle they use in 
backstitch.— Mem, " Curtain of a bonnet " seems to have something to 
do with it. 

Tuck. This is either a species of Scotch brooch, or a light blue ball- 
sash, though I have also heard it spoken of in relation to a reticule for 
a pic-nic with a sandwich inside. 

Bombazine. Much mystery about this. Four years ago, however, I 
satisfied myself it has something to do with a baby's bottle. Sometimes 
it is called a "love of a barege." 

Bobbinnet. Only a little bobbin. Tlieir work-boxes are full of them. 
I once upset one. 

Flounce. Every one knows what this is. It is put on gowns, and a new 
one is put, on each year as the wearer grows too tall for the former length. 

Dimity. A regular poser this. Used to think it was a "finger 
stall," but have found out now it is a sort of ball put inside the back 
hair to fill it out. However, my niece, Miss Mary, aged "thirty," — 
never mind, says positively, " No ! " 

Crinoline. Man's horror— Woman's sphere. 

Scientific. — A Magnetic Mountain has been discovered in Swedish 
Lapland. It is creating a great sensation, and, as may be expected, 
is drawing immensely. 


PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 26, 18&3. 




Fxkst Foreigner. " This is what they call a la Russe, isn't it i " 

Second Foreigner. "Alkroose is it ? Well there/ I could a' sworn it warrit Beef nor Mutton." 


" Mb. Punch, Sir, 

_ " Would you like to pollute your pages with the despicable 
outpourings of a dirty American blackguard? Then print 1 lie subjoined 
baseness from the Boston Commonwealth, written by that liar and 
scoundrel, Charles Sumter:— 

" We by no means contend that he (the Irishman in America) is equal in moral 
and intellectual endowments to the coloured man ; but we insist that he is capable 
of a good degree of improvement. When the demagogue is dead, then will be the 
Copperhead's opportunity. Then we will bet on him (in small sum s), and in the 
race with Sambo, Patrick may save his distance." 

" There ! That 's how the vagabond expectorates the infamy that 's 
in him over the gallant exiles of Erin: the noble boys that shed their 
heart's best blood to fight the battles of his country with gratuitous 
generosity. Sumter and slander it is ! Do you know a bigger black- 
guard than Charles Suhtek? Do you know a bigger thief? Can 
you mention the name of a viler miscreant that walks the face of the 
earth unhanged— or hanged ? Was there ever a fouler libel than the 
above in the Satirist? Did you ever read worse nonsense in the 
Morning Star ? 

"The scurrilous and malignant detractor that penned the filthy calumny 
which degrades the warmhearted Irishman below the par of the nigger, 
when he wrote it was drunk. He had been carousing in a house of call 
for thieves, whence he reeled to his desk, reeking with gin, and having 
bedaubed a page of foolscap with his foul invective, rolled hiccuping, 
cursing, swearing, and senseless on the floor, and there inhaled the 
spirits which he had previously tippled. Bad luck to the abusive 
jackass, the contemptible compound of brute, beast, and fool ! With 
thanks for your courtesy in inserting this remonstrance, believe me, 
Mr. Punch, Sir, your ever grateful correspondent, 

" Patrick O'Bletheremsktte." 

%* We indulge Mb. O'Bletheremskite by printing his invective, 
because it affords, we regret to say, a fair sample of the phraseology 

in which an Irish fool expresses himself when irritated by aught that 
he conceives to be disparagement of his country. But is our raving cor- 
respondent quite sure that the gentleman whom he calls so many bad 
names personally wrote the passage which has aroused his fury;? And 
does he consider that what is said of the Irishman in America is of 
necessity equally applicable to all Irishmen ? So seemingly think sun- 
dry Irish journalists even less reasonable and temperate than Mr, 
O'Bletheremskite, who, in terms more violent than his own, vilify 
Punch for having, as they affect to suppose, called Irishmen in general 
the scum of the earth. Mr. Punch cannot say that they do not really 
imagine that he did so. There is no assigning bounds to human folly. 
Would Punch call the Duke or Wellington scum of the earth, Swift 
scum of the earth, Burke scum of the earth, Goldsmith, Sheridan^ 
Tom Moore scum of the earth ? Perhaps those frantic gentlemen of 
the Irish press unfeignedly believe that he would. Mr. Punch hopes 
that they are ingenuous idiots. He certainly does call some Irishmen 
scum of the earth. He calls mercenary cutthroats scum of the earth, 
whether they are Irish, or Germans, or whatever part of the earth they 
may happen to arise from. He owns that he considers the emigrant 
Irihh rufrknry the scum of the earth. But truculent vituperation con- 
vinces him that the scum of the earth has not all left Ireland. 

"A Terrible Assault.' 

The Lady alluded to in an article under this heading should have been 
Lady Bolle, of Bicton, near Exeter; and not as erroneously stated, 
Lady Gertrude Rolle, who is the wife of the Hon. Mark Rolle, 
of llebenstone, near Torrington. The mistake originated with the 
provincial reporter, and Mr. Punch takes off his cap and apologises to 
Lady Gertrude. 

motto for an irritable schoolmaster. 
" Nisi ad regulam, prava non corriges."— Sen. Epist. Lib. i. Ep. 11. 
It is impossible to correct what is wrong without a ruler. 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Wobum Place, In tne Pariah of St. Pancraa, In the County of Middlenex, and Frederick Mullett Evan«, of No. 11 
Whitefriars, City of London, Printers, at rh«ir Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefrian, City of London, tud Published by t'lemat Nj.Sa, Fleet St 
of Loudou.— SiTtiEDAi, September 20, 1S63. 

October 3, 1863.] 



How Spangleton came to Grief on hoard the Penny Boat ; and serve him right, 
for not taking a Cab like a Swell. 


The Medical Profession, if it is a learned one, may have 
been amused by the following advertisement, which lately 
adorned the Medical Circular.— 

ALOTNA.— The discoverers of this, T. & H. Smith, (vide 
Edinburgh Monthly Journal of Medical Science, for February, 1S51,) 
the crystal ine principle of aloes, continue to prepare and supply it. 

They have the gratification of knowing that the most eminent of 
the Profession prescribe it in preference to the various kinds of 
aloes, and especially to females both alive and in a combined form. 

We learn from the above announcement that the dis- 
coverers of Aloina are T. & H. Smith, and that those 
gentlemen are also the crystalline principle of aloes. More- 
over we observe that they spell crystalline with a single 1. 
And they seem to say that the cnstalline principle of aloes 
continues to prepare and supply Aloina. 

What the discoverers of Aloina mean by females in a 
combined form, we cannot make out. In saying that " the 
most, eminent of the Profession" prescribe Aloina, "espe- 
cially to females both alive and in the combined form," 
they place females " in the combined form" in antithesis 
with females " alive." Hence we might infer that by 
females in " the combined form," they meant dead women : 
but as medicine is never prescribed for the dead of either 
sex, that inference would be absurd. 

The discoverers of Aloina are doubtless expert in phar- 
macy, so that we will not say that tlif-y have mistaken their 
vocation ; but they might have chosen a branch of learning 
for the cultivation of which their genius appears much 
better calculated than it is for Ihe pursuit of chemical 
science. We do not mean English grammar: but meta- 
physical theology. 

1 Happy Land ! " 

At the opening of the Session of the two Legislative 
Chambers, the King op Holiand is reported to have said : 

" Various bills will be presented to you with a view to a general 
reduction of taxes. " 

Would that our Chancellor or the Exchequer would 
be animated with the above good example ! However, we 
fancy we hear Gladstone, catechised on the subject, ex- 
claiming, with Homeric fire, " If ever you catch me reducing 
the Income-Tax, why then I'm a Dutchman." 


" Dear Punch, 

" I am a young man, and have a fairish income, and I want'to 
find some fair creature to share it. But I declare to you I really am so 
frightened by advertisements that I can hardly summon up the pluck 
to go in quest of her. Not to mention the announcements of milliners 
and jewellers, which in a money point of view are terrible enough, there 
are other dreadful notices addressed to the fair sex, which really make 
one's fltsh creep when one thinks of getting married. By Jove, if one 
believes in half that is hinted in the newspapers, girls are nowadays all 
sham, there 's nothing real about them. They buy their hair of Mon- 
sieur Coiffeur, and their teeth of Monsieur Dentifrice ; Madame 
Ckinoline supplies them with afigure, and Mademoiselle Enamelle 
furnklies the face. One shopkeeper sells eyebrows that are warranted 
to stick, while another supplies roses to beautify the cheeks, warranted 
to bear even inspection through a microscope. As for hair dyes, t hey 
are numberless, and so are curling fluids; and somebody keeps puffing 
some patent hair restorative, which he begs us to observe is 'recom- 
mended by the faculty,' and is 'held in high estimation in the higher 
circles.' Besides this, there 's the ' pomadore, for beautifying the arms 
and hands or face, without causing the slightest unnatural appearance,' 
and in addition there's the 'eye fluid,' which some genius has invented, 
and which serves not merely for concealment of crows' feet, but to give 
great 'boldness, character, and seeming enlargement' to that 'index of 
character' which we more simply call the eye. 

" Now Crinoline is bad enough, and an awful thing it is for a young 
bachelor to contemplate the laceration of his ancles and destruction of 
his trousers, which will infallibly result from his walking arm in arm 
with the steel-begirt young creature he consents to call his wife. But, 
nuisance though, it be, Crinoline is not half so nasty as Cosmetics. A 
sham figure is more tolerable by far than a sham face. Just, conceive a 
man's disgust at finding that his wife changed colour when he kissed 
her, and that her rosy cheeks turned yellow if he touched them with his 
]'ps- Who would care to marry a beautiful complexion, if he knew it 
had oeen purchased in Ihe Burlington Arcade ; and how can one admire 
a snowy brow or swanlike neck when one believes it to be whitewashed, 
say, at sixpence the square inch ? What a pleasant thing for Corydon 

to find his Chloe mims her left eyebrow some fine morning, or showing 
two large crows-feet which had been concealed by paint ! Don't you 
think he would be justified in going to his club to breakfast for the 
future, and if he lived there altogether, I for one should not much 
censure him. I think Sir Jamks Plaisted Wilde would hardly call 
it cruelty for a man to leave a wife whom he detected using paint. A 
girl who sails under false colours when cruising for a husband I con- 
sider should be viewed in the light, of a she-pirate, and should be driven 
to surrender any prize that she might take. 

" No, do, Mr. Punch. You have influence with the ladies, if anybody 
has ; and I wish you would just tell them that when they use cosmetics 
to beautify themselves they only make themselves more ugly than by 
nature they would be. Men like beauty, no doubt; but then to please 
their eyes it must be beauty without paint. So far as flesh and blood 
go, what a man wants in a wife is something huggable and kissable, 
and Crinoline and Cosmetics quite prevent her being this. A cheek 
like a blush rose is a pleasant, thing to look upon; but I have little 
liking for artificial flowers, and have certainly no wish for one to deco- 
rate my table. Far rather would 1 stick to my Old Bachelor's Button 
than sit down to dinner daily with sham roses to look at. Let, others 
praise the cerea brachia of Chloe, or any other specimens of Miss 
Enamelle's skill in wax-work ; I for one would have my wife as 
Beatrice would have her husband, one not for Sunday show but for 
honest week-day use. As for paint attracting lovers, I am sure it only 
serves to frighten them away. Who with lips that are by nature capable 
of kissing would ever dream of paying his addresses to a girl with 
' touch me not ' quite plainly painted on her face ? The misletoe will 
soon be an extinct institution, if girls persist in trying to make them- 
selves unkissnble by colourin? their cheeks. One would as soon salute 
the Wall in Pyramus and Thisbe, as kiss a painted powdered beauty 
who purchased her complexion, and put. on an extra smear when she 
wanted to look smart. For myself I shall keep single until the rage 
for paint-brushes and powder-balls is over; and I recommend the fellow 
who is caught bv a complexion to ponder well, ere marrying, the moot- 
point, Will it Wash ? 
" I remain, my dear old Punch, yours, in all serenity (at present), 
" The Albany" " Chakley Ccelebs." 

vol. xlv. 



[October 3, 1863, 


To Me. Punch. 

ir, My last letter 
brought me to Glas- 
gow. Now, I am far 
away in the High- 
lands. I have not 
seen your talented 
and widely-spread 
periodical lor two 
weeks, and though 
I cannot say that I 
feel much the worse 
for the deprivation, 
I should have liked 
to know whether 
you inserted that 
letter, as if not, I 
might have been 
smoking in peace, 
instead of preparing 
superfluous manu- 
script. But if the 
absent are not al- 
ways wrong, as those 
French say, they are 
always wronged, and 
nobody sends me a 
Punch. Editors 

think of nothing 
except how they can 
spoil a fellow's most 
elegant sentence by 
sticking in notwith- 
standings and how- 
evers to make para- 
graphs 'lit in' with 
pictures, or for some 
such typographical 
triviality. "Why can't 
you saw off a slice 
of the picture instead of mutilating me ? Why is literature to be 
trampled under the hoofs of (so called) Art ? 

" I have often visited Glasgow. I consider it the capital of England. 
Lang's luncheon place, where there are three hundred and sixty-five 
pleasant ways of spoiling your.dinner, is'an institution to which London 
can show no parallel. You get everything, from bawbee cookies to turtle 
soup, and you need not speak a word — you take the article, which has 
its price marked, you do your own reckoning, and you hand the money 
to a smiling young lady. To a silent and shy man like myself, this 
system is very pleasing. They trust in your honesty, but I suppose 
they (Jo not tempt it too far, and that some sort of eje is kept on you. 
But, the man must be a mean wretch who would cheat where the articles 
are so good that he is not cheated. Then there 's the Exchange. They 
have been spoiling its handsome pillars by painting them in a ludicrous 
manner, and making the hall look like a music saloon, but the courtesy 
of Glasgow in providing all the newspapers in the world for the accom- 
modation of visitors and the military is beyond praise. Where can an 
officer and a gentleman, or either, see the papers for nothing, in 
Loudon ? St. liollox's Chimney, whence I dated my last, is twice as 
high as the Monument, and Mr. Tennant's is taller still, and there is 
no three-pence to pay for going to the top of either, because there is no 
way to the top, a great advantage over the London erection. Then you 
can't wash yourself in London. I declare I never wash to speak of. 
In Glasgow there is a bath-room in every house, and the lovely water 
of [the lovely lake, Loch Katrine, is laid on to the very top of every 
dwelling. This water you may see mentioned in your Times every week, 
as only an infinitesimal fraction less pure than distilled water. It is soft, 
and the ladies say saves a third of the expense of washing garments, but 
1 never knew any reform extend to details, and shirts are four-pence, as 
in London. I do not like it as drink so much as I could wish, but with 
an equal quantity of whiskey it is a satisfactory preventive of the des- 
truction of tissue. The marmalade is excellent, so are the baps, so 
are the Glasgow magistrates (fresh herrings), and so, 1 believe, are the 
sermons, or some of them. The Cathedral is not Westminster Abbey; 
how could it be ? But it is a grand thing, though it would be as well 
if the heraldry in the new painted windows were right instead of false, 
as the Lord Lyon King-at-Arms pathetically says it is. The monument 
to old Alexander, the manager, is sweet, much better than that to old 
Ducrow in Kensal Green, and represents the proscenium of a theatre, 
with the curtain down, and as every Scotch friend who shows it you, 
tells you some capital story about " Old Alec," there is immense fun 
enacted before this memorandum of the lamented hintrio. Sir Archi- 

bald Holystone— I pretermit question of his historical writings— is a 
genial and virtuous dispenser of justice, and the organ in the City Hall, 
when played upon by Mr. Lambert, a quarter in which I see you (for 
once) bestowed deserved compliment, roars delectable music. I reppat 
that the superiority of Glasgow over London is indisputable, and I 
should certainly adopt the former as my residence, only that I am too 
old to acquire a foreign language, and I do not like to be taken to a 
police cell for sneezing in the street on a Sunday. 

" Sir John Moore, of whom you may have heard, was born in a place 
called Donald's Land, in Glasgow. This was an old fashioned tene- 
ment, now demolished, which stood nearly opposite Tron Steeple, on 
the north side of Trongate. The information may have interest for you, 
though it has hitherto failed to excite me very much. There is, how- 
ever, a fine poem on his burial, the recitation whereof by anybodyexcept 
myself, excites me very much indeed, by reason of its exceeding badness. 
I think I have heard you attempt it, late in the evening. Friends at a 
distance will please accept this intimation. 

" Taking a drive in the country, I heard something which I may as well 
repeat. My friend pointed with his cigar (if it was as good as one he 
had given me, he was to be congratulated), to an open place which he 
said had been the spot where a couple of Irishmen, whose names I have 
no reason to remember, were dismissed from this world in testimony of 
the recognition, by law, of their having, unlawfully, performed similar 
service to a compatriot. All were of the railway-navigating persuasion. 
There being some thousands of other Irishry in the neiuhbou.rhood, and 
the distaste of that race for the formalities which Englishmen and 
Scotchmen call justice being known, an attempt at rescue, or at all 
events at riot, was expected, or had been menaced. Certain military 
provision for keeping things serene was made, but it occurred to me 
that the serenity of the last minister of law had not been so completely 
considered. For a couple of guns, loaded with grape, were so laid that 
on the first rush at the scaffold, the discharge would have swept away 
the entire tableau, hangman, criminals, rescuers, aud gallows. The 
presence of the arguments, however, sufficed, and it was not necessary 
to employ them. Ribernici fuerunt. 

" I head another and a cognate story. Two Scottish judges having 
tried a man for some atrocious offence, one of them performed the duty 
of sentencing him. The evidence that had convinced the jury curiously 
failed to convince the culprit, who grumbled that 'there was no getting 
justice.' ' I beg your pardon, my man,' said the other judge, 'ye'll 
just get justice on Wednesday morning, July the tenth, at eleven 
o'clock.' 1 doubt whether our late learned friend, who was thought to 
have burned Paper Buildings, Temple, could have retorted with more 
pleasing and affable neatness. 

" If you are going to protest against my retailing what I heard, in- 
stead of describing what I saw, protest and go home, as Loud 

Ellenborough said to the witness. I am out for a holiday, after 
nearly ruining my originally fine constitution in your service, and my 
writing at all is one of those works of supererogation which ought not 
to be criticised. You must not look a gilt letter in the anecdote. Of 
course, you can omit the paragraphs. Do, and see how many more 1 
will send you, in a registered letter, by the very next post after I detect 
the outrage. If you say that my two stories are of a grim character, I 
admit it. I feel grim. I feel like Giant Grim, in the Pilgrim's Progress. 
I am sitting in face of a mountain, which 1 can't see for the mist, and it 
is raining violently, aud I am full dressed, with my new patent leather 
boots on, and the hour has come for a dinner to which 1 am invited (on 
my private worth and merit, and not at all because I happen to amuse 
myself occasionally by throwing off sparkling little things for Mr. 
Punch) and no vehicle, or as they call it here, machine, cm be got for 
love or money. My friend who is going with me is a Highlander, and 
wears ' the garb of old Gaul,' and has brought ' the fire of old Borne ' 
into my cheeks by a most disreputable proposition, compliance with 
which would involve my walking three-quarters of an hour without 
those things in respect whereof we appeal to gods and little fishes to 
say what man is who lacks such protection. He says I cau put them 
on upon the stairs at the mansion we are going to. I do not like the 
picture. There ought to be a cab-stand at every mountain in Scotland, 
and I shall write to the Lord Advocate about it. You might do some- 
thing, only I cannot make you see things from a right point of view, 
and I suppose none of your artists ever saw a mountain, except in a 
romantic opera. I must go to this dinner, though, for I have thought 
over some very smart things to say, and they have local application, 
and will not do elsewhere. I have rehearsed them with my Highland 
friend, and he is going to lead up to me, so that I may play my diamonds. 
This is true loyalty — how different from the conduct of some London 
men I could name, who always try to spoil a friend's jeux d'esprit. Two 
can play that game, however, and I am one of them, and that's a 
comfort in this kindly world. I do not know whether my wit, (which 
is, I am aware, subtle almost to imperscrutability) is always appre- 
ciated here, but my intention to be delightful is, and is recognised in 
the warmest manner, but then Highlanders are gentlemen aud ladies, 
and not spiteful Bohemians or envious Pumps. I express myself 
mildly, and make no allusions, but your conscience will remind you of 
the social murder of my epigram about the Frenchman and the mutton 

October 3, 1863.] 



and venison—' that vich is Sheep and that vich is Deer,' and who 
pretended to have heard it before. | , . 

" Having given you every reason why I should remain in Glasgow, 
you will not be surprised that I took an early opportunity of leaving 
that metropolis. I embarked myself, and encumbrances, one morning, 
at seven, in a vast floating drawing-room called the Iona, which is the 
most splendid boat that ever was reflected in these eyes of mine. I 
took my seat on the crimson velvet cushions of the saloon, which is a 
glass chamber, on deck, so that, vou can behold all the scenery without 
discomfort of wind or rain. ' Well done, Me. David Huicheson, 
said I, 'and now for a delightful voyage north.' The words had 
scarcely left my lips when I was informed by one who had the best 
reason to know, that of our thirteen boxes, one had been left at our 
Glasgow apartments, and also that it was the only one of the thirteen 
that would be of the least use where we were to lodge that night. The 
Iona was just on the move. To make a brief reference to Job, to fling 
away mv Inverness cape, to stamp till the Iona's deck quivered, to gaze 
wildly at the Broomielaw, to spring to shore, to dash into a cab, to 
regain my thirteenth box, to take it to the Greenock railway, to go with 
it, to re-embark at that interesting port, and to throw myselt upon 
salmon steaks and hot coffee, was the work of— I don't exactly know 
how long, but I was particularly glad when I got to the last operation. 
J' Yours, 

" The Highlands, generally?' \ " Epicurus Koiundus;" 


ake Notice. — Mr. Punch is 
pestered to death by Cor- 
respondents requiring the 
return of their rubbish. 
Once for all, he will not 
return a line. Only fancy 
wasting an envelope, a post- 
age stamp, a drop of ink, 
and five minutes of Mr. 
Punch's invaluable time on 
such trash as the following : 
" how 's your poor feet ? " 
" Dear Mr. Punch, 

" Knowing that 
there is a great deal of corn 
about, and knowing also of 
your tender feelings and 
anxiety for the public under- 
standing, I send you, as the 
expositor of all that 's good, 
the enclosed recipe, and re- 
main, your sincere admirer, 
" The Author." 

Recipe for the Expunction 

of Corns. 
To i a lb. of pitch from 
Put { lb. of wax from busy bee, 
Then for 2 oz. weight be frank in sense, 
And there 's your gredience for some pence. 

In an earthen pot dissolve the pitch, 
But don't forget the frankincerse to mix ; 
Stir it. till the parts are married, 
Then into cold water carry it. 

Work it, and into a stick do roll it, 
About the size of your finger mould it, 
And there's a stuff I say it with scorn, 
That's not to be matched for any Corn. 

After Paring slick like wax, 

(That is if on your feet you do want pax) 

On leather or a piece of silk, 

What will comfort like your mother's milk. 

Then to the Corn apply the stuff, 
And without the leastest bit (ff puff 
You 'II find the Corn depart in peace, 
And your troubled pain will cease. 

And the above is Tennysonian to many other contributions thrust 
into our letter-box ! 

Fancy Faibs."— The ever-varying Fares of our Street 


For the subjoined announcements we are indebted to the Manchester 
Examiner and Times : — 


THE Advertiser, good looking (25), wishes to correspond with a Young 
Lady, with a view to Matrimony.— Address Post Office, Bradford. 

"jl/TATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE.— Now on our books, a minister, 
-t'J- age 3u, position good ; medical student (26), about to begin practice ; professor 
of music (23), earning £150 a year; widower (48), has property, lady not to be 
under 40 ; jeweller (27), stock worth £800 ; working man, has £180. The above, 
for special reasons, all require wives with fortunes, more or less. A gentleman (28), 
income £300, requires character, education, Ac. ; moneyno object, Six ladies, with 
fortunes, and 58 others. Choice made from photographs. Fee 2s. 6d. ; ladies from 
Is. 6 to 10. Manchester. 

The Advertiser, author of the first of these notifications, appears, we 
are sorry to say, to be little, if anything, above the level of an animal. 
He assumes that good looks and youth are sufficient attractions to induce 
some Young Lady to answer his advertisement " with a view to matri- 
mony." So, very likely, they are for a girl who simply wants to be 
married, and to whom one man of the herd is as good as another. Such 
a creature, being of the herd herself, will be suitably matched with such 
a man. Put, as they are two-legged animals, let us say flock instead of 
herd, and trust that the good-looking advertiser and his desired mate 
will prove a happy couple of geese. 

The second of the foregoing matrimonial announcements looks like , 
business : especially when considered in connection with the following, I 
extracted from the Glasgow Herald : — 


ATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE. — Now on our books, 11 ! 

idowers, 7 widows, 16 men of wealth who want youth and beauty, 9 ladies 
with fortunes, an orphan with £3,000, a widow with £200 a year, a curate (inoome i 
£200), 7 Dissenting ministers, and 37 others. The demand for ladies continues. j 
They may apply by letter or person, in confidence, as this business will be con- | 
ducted in a bona fide private and respectable manner. Choice made from photo- j 

graphs, then interviews arranged. Fee 2s. Gd. ; ladies, from Is. 6 to 10. Cot- 

tenham Street, off Ardwick Green. 



We have preserved, above, the heading of an advertisement that 
succeeds that, immediately foregoing. In both of the precediug adver- 
tisements "Matrimony" to a great extent may be considered to resolve 
itself into "Money Wanted," but both of _ them seem addressed to per- 
sons rather in want of money. In matrimonial advertisement No. 1, 
the " professor of music (23). earning £150 a-year," can be no great 
catch, and the same may be affirmed of the "jeweller (27), stock worth 
£800." The "working man" who "has £180" is eligible as a prole- 
taire. " A gentleman (28), income £300, requires character, education, 
&c."— does her" He requires more, then, we are afraid, than he is 
likely to sret. To expect, not only character and education, but also 
&c, at £300 a-year, even if that income is derived from fixed property, 
is to be very sanguine ; and to add " money no object," argues fatuity. 
How can this advertiser be such a fool as to think that any lady, in 
these days of Crinoline, would marry a man who not only proposes to 
maintain her on £300 a-year, but also not to care for the means of 
affording her a more luxurious maintenance? We should like to see 
the photographs of the "six ladies witb fortunes," and, if they are not 
all hideous, to know what vices of temper have kept any of those for- 
tunate ladies unwillingly single. The "widower (48)," who "has 
property," and wants a " lady not to be under 40," is evidently a great 
fool. If, indeed, his property being very small, he were willing to 
marry any woman of any age, the older the better, there would be 
something to be said for his mere gumption. But, being forty-eight 
years of age, he ought to know better than to wish to marry at all, 
unless from a base and mercenary motive. This widower must be very 
unwise, or he would not have advertised for a wife not likely to leave 
him, with her money, a widower again very speedily. 

In advertisement, No. 2, the second-hand wives and husbands are 
probably cheap and inferior. The " 16 men of wealth who want youth 
and beauty" will be sure enough to get what they want, if they have 
wealth enough to give for it, in Belgravia and Tvburnia. The orphan 
with £3,000 is likely to be much inquired for. Even a poor orphan is 
a prize to any man who wants to marry without letting himself in for a 
mother-in-law. A rich orphan is a treasure in proportion to her wealth 
— and worth. No wonder there is only one orphan on the list. Orphans 
aresnappedup. The "Curate (income £200)" must be a very bad-looking 
man, or he might have thrown the handkerchief to any one of a multi- 
tude of young ladies busy working him slippers. We see with some 
surprise that " the demand for ladies continues." A style of dress at 
once grotesque and expensive, and a too general affectation of masculine 
airs, would, we should have feared, render that demand mode- 
rate. The Matrimonial Agency Office, however, does not say that it is 
large; only that it continues. It may continue not brisk, but only as 
usual, and that may be flat. We have now used a word which some 
may be disposed to apply to any one who, for a wife or a husband, 
resorts to a Matrimonial Agency Office. 




Hoy, I say you two there, kicking ., 

Up that row before my shop ! 
Do you want a good sound licking 

Both ? If not, you 'd better stop. 
Peg away at one another. 

If you choose such fools to be : 
But leave me alone j don't bother, 

Bullyrag, and worry me ! 

Into your confounded quarrel' 

Let myself be dragged I'll not j 
By you, fighting for a Morrill 

Tariff ; or your slavery lot. 
What I want to do with either 

Is impartially to trade: 
Nonsense I will stand from neither 

Past the bounds of gasconade. 

You, North, roaring, raving, yelling, 

Hold your jaw you booby, do ; 
What, d' ye threaten me for selling 

Arms to South as well as you ? 
South, at me don't bawl and bellow, 

That won't make me take your part ; 
So you just be off, young fellow : 

Now, you noisy chap, too, start ! , 

To be called names 'tis unpleasant ; 

Words, however, break no bones : 
I control m.vself at present ; 

But beware of throwing stones ! 
I won't have my windows broken, 

Mind, you brawlers, what I say, 
See this stick, a striking token ; 

Cut your own, or civil stay. 


The murder is out. We now see the cause of the otherwise unac- 
countable conduct of the King op Prussia. When a man does take 
to it, the proclivity with which he goes to the dogs, is fearful. The 
sovereign who would attempt to govern Prussia without a Parliament, 
would be capable of putting the following advertisement into a news- 
paper. It appeared in the Chatham News : — 

TN Chatham, A SMALL CHARM, in 
J- make. Whosoever will bring the sam< 

the shape of a bottle ; foreign 
to the Kimo of Pr»ssia, shall be 

Poor William ! Poor old King ! No wonder he has upset the 
Prussian Constitution, having previously impaired his own. Now, 
doubtless, he could not even articulate the words Prussian Constitution. 
People said that he was playing Charles the First, and the fool, 
under the influence of Von Bismarck, and they insinuated that he 
would lose his head. Alas ! it is plain that he has lost his head, not 
merely under the influence of Bismarck. He is too evidently under the 
influence of something else tliat begins with B, or he would not 
advertise for a Bottle. ' 


Under the signature of " A Communicant of the English 
Chwrch," a Correspondent of the Morning Post complains of " the 
deliberate and strenuous efforts which are now being made by some 
Clergymen of an extreme party, or section of a party, to assimilate the 
principal services in their Churches to the Romish service of the 
' mass.' " The party alluded to in the foregoing passage is that which 
has been stupidly named Puseyites. Let its misnomer be recti Bed in 
subordination to analogy and precedent. The followers of Wesley 
were not called Wesleyites. Why should those of Pusey be termed 
Puseyites ? The members of the sect founded by Dr. Pusey, who in 
matters ecclesiastical practise a method of their own, had much better 
be called Puseyan Methodists.] 




October 3, 1863.] 




{From a Missing Contributor.) 
" Dear P., " 5, Castle Terrace, Ilfracombe. 

" You have not heard from me for the last week or two,— [It 
is nearer six weeks tban one. Ed.]— and may have been uncomfortable 
about me.— [Not about you, but about your contributions. Ed.]— Be 
comforted. I have been so very comfortable, and yet I Lave been at 
the Sea-side. Of course you know those fine lines in Lucretius :-— 

" Suave mari magno," &c. &c. 

—[Of course I do, but I don't see how they apply. Ed.]— Well, "I have 
never felt their full force so mucb, 1 think, as while enjoying the perusal 
of your amusing periodical— [This is intolerable impertinence. Ed.]— 
on the shores of the lovely place from which I write. I see your cuts 
and columns full of complaints, satire, invective, against the evils of 
the stock Sea-side haunts in which the exhausted Londoner, about this 
time seeks much-needed refreshment from 'a sniff of the briny,'— [It 
is easy to perceive his aim, in this side plea for his own laziness. Ed.]— 
the exactions of the lodging-house keepers, the length of the hotel- 
bills, the sameness of the amusements and occupations, the street-cries, 
the airs and graces of the visitors, the pervading snobbery and ennui 
of London-Super-Mare. 

" When you kindly gave me leave to recruit my worn-out brain— [He 
took it a la Fran^aise. Ed.]— in a brief absence at the Sea-side, I spent 
some days (which I feel cannot, fairly, be counted in my holidays) in 
making up my mind whither to betake myself. I had done Brighton, 
and Brighton had done me, to death. The Steyne had entered into 
my soul, and the Esplanade was weariness to me— the swarming of the 
flies, the shrillness of the street-cries, the streams of Crinolines and 
Pork-pie hats— you remember Horace's— j 

" Labitur ct labetur in omne volubilis amim?" — ] 

—[Of course we do, then why quote it ? Ed.]— its lodging-house bills, 
the smell of soup and pies from Mutton's, the china and pebbles 
in the shop-windows, the riding-masters, their screws and bevies of 
pupils ;— was not every feature of the wearisome place stamped on my 
much-enduring brain ? 

" Of St. Leonards 1 had still bitterer recollections. I remembered it 
duller than Brighton, its lodgings drearier, its bills longer, its amuse- 
ments even more limited and monotonous. Margate and Bamsgate 
were out of the question, if only for the organ-men. Heme Bay has 
lost its one charm of solitude, since a railway has brought people to 
that once howling wilderness. Sandgate, I am told, and believe, 
comprises in little all that is objectionable and dull in the places I have 
enumerated. So I determined at last on taking a wider flight, 
and trusting for an extension of leave and punctuality in weekly remit- 
tances to your unfailing indulgence, have ventured to these remoter 
regions of North Devon. 1 am at Ilfracombe. I have found here — 
what I had no previous experience of, and hardly believed to exist — a 
Sea-side place where I have been quite as happy, and almost, if not 
quite, as comfortable as if I had stayed at home. 

" You know how I love nature,— [We were not aware of it, except as 
he has been in the habit of pleading it, occasionally, in excuse for short 
copy and absences without leave. Ed.]— and you .will therefore be glad 
to hear that Ilfracombe combines, in its coast and inland scenery.whatever 
is sternest with whatever is loveliest in landscape. The coast is a 
succession of bays, formed by the wildest headlands of shattered and 
twisted rock (grauwacke of the clay-slate formation, as you will re- 
member).— [The shallow parade of scientific knowledge, like the vulgar 
habit of Latin quotation, seems to be incurable in this contributor. 
Ed.]— A member of the Alpine Club may here enjoy the privilege of 
risking his neck, quite as freely and at far less cost than in the High 
Alps ; and the lover of adventure within half-an-hour's walk of the 
harbour may find twenty places, where in the pursuit of the retiring 
zoophyte, or the contemplation of the tenacious limpet, he may ' fleet 
the time carelessly, as they did in the golden age' — (you remember 
Amiens and Ardennes),— till he finds himself cut off by the tide, and will 
have the excitement of rock-climbing under every variety of difficulty, 
and with the stimulus of self-preservation to improve his gymnastic 
powers. Por the lovers of marine gardening, this is the nursery. Here 
the sea-anemone expands its many-coloured petals ; the polype waves 
its delicate ciliae, and the madrepore spreads its snowy branches. — [I 
have here struck out two pages of Marvels of the Sea-shore, evidently 
extracted from some popular compendium. Ed.] 


" Turning from these scientific pursuits, if I seek more exciting 
sport, it is open to me in fishing for the gover, or whiting-pout, an 
amusement dear to the contemplative mind,— when the attendant opens 
the mussels, which I am free to admit, is a slobbery and unsavoury 
process. I am told the streams which sparkle through Ihe Combes all 
about the place, contain small but bvely trout. But after many years 

of hope deferred, I have grown sceptical as to the existence of fish in 
inland English waters, and I cannot say from experience that the 
rivulets of Ilfracombe are any exception to the general law. 

" But the country walks are endless, and full of beauty. Instead of 
the dreary downs, which back your South-Coast watering-places,— great, 
bare, lumps of chalk, with nothing more exciting than a flock of sheep, 
or a flight of plovers, to enliven their waste,— here you have a rolling 
country of hill and hollow— the hills breaking into bold rocky forms, 
the hollows, musical with streamlets, and feathered with the prettiest 
ash and oak copses. If you weary of the paths— and they are endless— 
the fields seem to invite the trespassers. A padlock on a gate appears 
hardly known, and the clay-slate fences are delightfully easy knocking 
down. It seems to be a fashion of this easy-going Devonshire to have 
three or four roads to every place, and they run, as if their planners had 
had a great sense of beauty, and none whatever of the value of time. 
Then the botanist— above all the fern-hunter— (by the way I should be 
extremely obliged, if you would suggest to Messrs. Bradbury and 
Evans, that a presentation copy of their Ferns, Nature-Printed, would be 
highly appreciated), fi ads himself, here, in a very embarras de richesses. 
Every dyke is fringed with the green tongues of the Scolopendrium ; 
in the chinks of the slate-fences nestles the delicate little maiden-hair 
(Adiantum Capillus Veneris), while the tall fronds of the lordly 
Osmunda regalis—* * * — [A.gain we omit several pages of rhapsody 
— in-fern-a.\ rubbish — borrowed, again, from some manual on the sub- 
ject. Ed.] 

" But I must tear myself from the delights of the country— to sing 
the praises of the town. It is clean, picturesque, and as yet in that 
state of youthful ingenuousness, which precedes the corruption of the 
full-grown watering-place. The price of provisions is appreciably less 
than in London. Would a turkey or Michaelmas goose be an accept- 
able present ? If so, say so, and send me the money, and I will 
promise you a choice one. (You may as well make it a P. 0. order for 
a sovereign, and we can settle the difference on my return).— [Trust 
him for that ! Ed.] 

" There is a Local Board of Health, which, strange to say, seems to 
be enterprising and active, keeps the streets clean, and has constructed a 
public sea-walk, or parade, in excellent taste, with seats in all direc- 
tions. There is a band engaged for the season, which plays, and plays very 
well, at regular hours, and keeps out the unlicensed greenbaizs and 
Italian intruder. Nay, the place is still infantine enough to be sociable, 
and there are soirees, every now and then, when visitors dance and 
make acquaintance, and even, as I am given to understand, go the 
lengths of flirtation. Toilette is ad libitum. I go about in my usual 
picturesque deshabille,— [Which his friends call disreputable slovenli- 
ness. Ed.] — and do not find that I attract more attention than in 
London. Of course the dear girls will blossom here as elsewhere. 
The pork-pie flourishes in all its variety of colour, cock, and plumage, 
and the Crinoline expands, as if in rivalry of the sea-anemones. I 
have seen back-hair down, which would have done credit to Scar- 
borough, and set John Leech's pencil itching. But, if you like to 
make a guy of yourself you can, and will find no want of countenance. 
Basket carriages and boats abound, but don't persecute you by touting 
for hire, and donkeys are abundant at fourpence an hour. They too are 
in perfection like everything else iu this Sea-side paradise, being the 
very slowest and stupidest donkeys I ever saw. But they seem tenderly 
cared for by the old women who preside over them, and if the invalid 
wants peristaltic motion of the lower viscera, the donkey chairs can be 
recommended. When taken the rider is sure to be well shaken. 

" Such are the out-of-door recommendations of the place. I will 
not expatiate on our private comforts in that most comfortable of 
lodgings from which I write. You know I do not require splendour. — 
[We know he has always found it difficult to live within his income. Ed.] 
— My lodgings are small, but they command a magnificent view of the 
sea and the town : I breathe an air, which is like a sublime shandy- 
gaff, made up of equal parts of champagne and nectar ; and my landlady 
is a miracle of honesty, a pearl of cleanliness, a consummate cook, and 
she charges me neither for cruets, kitchen-fire, nor passage-lamp ! 

" Can you wouder, then, my dear P., if I linger in these pleasant 
quarters P Come yourself, and see if I exaggerate. But come soon. 
Ilfracombe I fear is too pleasant to last. I am myself helping to dig 
the grave of its virtues by my indiscreet pen. 

" Defluat in Tiberim (I forgot what) Syrus Orontes." 

" London will, no doubt, empty itself into this quiet harbour, after 
reading this letter. If so, 1 must submit, and content with having 
paid this grateful tribute to Ilfracombe,— 

'■ To-morrow to fresh fields and pastures new." — 

I must seek another and younger watering-place to raise into reputa- 
tion. Liberavi animam meant, and_am, dear P., 

" Ever yours, 

" S. Shtcock." 

Note by a Kitchen Dresseb.— In the 
stockings, their wearers always went on tick. 

of^ Clock-pattern' d 



[October 3, 1863. 



P and down the River Rhine, 
In and out the vessel, that 'a 
the way the money goes. 
Stop ! (Jberwesel ! and there 
we are at a half-way house 
on the Rhine. We may call 
one of the inns by this name, 
as it, is partly hotel, partly 
dairy, or as it maybe termed, 
half beer half- whey House. 
While bateau-a-vapeur'mg 
up the Rhine, we will make 
a few observations on 
Steam-boat travelling. 

The one general rule that 
governs all voyagers by 
Steam-boat is, " No one 
must speak to the Man at 
the Wheel;" but you may 
whistle at him, howl at him, 
shout at him, or dance before 
him as much as you like. 
It is the part of genius to 
break through rules ; there- 
fore if you would not be set 
down for a mere commonplace Tourist, take pity upon his isolated con- 
dition, and commence an animated conversation with the steerer. 
Whisper soft nothings in his ear; tell him that "good thing you 
heard ihe other day," and point your jokes with your forefinger under 
his fifth rib. 

You may wave your hat and holloa in front of him ; this is a very 
good way of cheering him upon his lonely voyage. 

An you understand not his language, nor he yours, make faces at 
him until he roars with laughter, and finish by singing to him in your 
best style, " Wheellie, we have missed you!" when he, being of a 
sympathetic soul, will join you in the melody, playing rhapsodically 
upon the spokes of his wheel. Others on board may laugh and be 
jolly, but he remains throughout the one stern passenger, unless as we 
have suggested, you can overcome his unnatural reserve. He seldom 
moves from his position, yet is he perpetually taking a turn on deck. 
We never met anybody who knew one of these men "at home." We 
cannot help thinking that they have run away from the domestic circle. 
Maybe, for some dark crime, they are undergoing a self-enforced silent 
system, rendered all the more difficult of endurance by the oppor- 
tunities of communication with their fellow men which their situation 
offers. In consequence of the Helm obeying the will of this Roving 
Recluse, the Germans have but one generic name lor the class, every 
individual member of which they address as Will-Helm Meister. 

Steamboat travelling differs from Railroad travelling, inasmuch as the 
authorities of the 
former take you on 
trust, not demand- 
ing your fare until 
they have carried 
you for some dis- 
tance upon the voy- 
age. The first feel- 
ing produced by this 
sjstem in the breast 
man is gratitude to 
the bemficent beings 
who, apparently, are 
going to give you a 
trip for nothing. On 
the approach of the 
inevitable money 
collector, this senti- 
ment is entirely su- 
perseded by a desire 
to avail your-self of 
those facilities of 
personal locomotion 
wbicha deck affords, 
to dodge the official, 
and avoid that mu- 
tual unpleasantness 
and misunderstand- 
ing which must re- 
sult from one person demanding as a right that which another person 
is unwilling to part with of his own free will. 

The Collector you will notice is closely followed by another wary 
official who is doubtless set as a watch upou his superior officer, lest 
that individual having collected the money, should suddenly collect him- 
self for a spring and violently abscond by leaping over the side of the 
vessel and by a bold stroke of genius swimming to shore. 

Here we come alongside of the bank, and for a minute or two we 
must touch upon this point. 

It is a dear or rather cheap, at least we found it so, old place called 
fc>t. Goar. You will perhaps smile at auy of the Rhine show-places 
being cheap, and will say ironically " Go-ar-long ! " but nevertheless 
such is the fact. 

Hereabout there is a whirlpool which tumultuouslv eddies round a 
horrid rock. Hence the proverb " 'Tis the Lurlei Berg catches the 
Whirl. We heard a Cockney drop an H and a remark to the effect 
that it made him quite 'eddy to look at it." 

The Church of St. Martin is a specimen of one of the very earliest 
churches, in consequence of the service commencing every morning at 
4 a. M. Ihe ancient and well-known legend can, we believe, be found 
here il you look very carefully for it, commencing " tnihi, Beate Mar- 
tine," &c. 

When you come to Assmanhausen, so called because the donkey-man 
has his house in this place, whose animals can be hired by day or hour, 
by your or our party, as the case may be, for the sake of making excur- 
sions into the vmeyard country. Mmd, there is no conveyance in this 
part of the world called the Van Ordinaire. 

Don't be offended with the captain if he tell you to " get out" at 
Bmgen You'll want to go to Rudesheim. There is a regular charge 
lor donkeys at this 
place, so you had 
better keep out, of 
the way, or if in 
your own country 
you are a Volunteer, 
prepare to receive 
the charge with your 
umbrella. It was at 
this place, that we 
saw the heart-rend- 
ing spectacle of a 
French tourist ar- 
riving too late by a 
minute and a-half 
for the departure of 
his steam-boat. An 
Englishman in a 
similar position, 
after a few words of 
very old Saxon, 
would have inquired 
for the time of the 
next boat, and would 
have waited at the 
nearest Hostelrie for 
its arrival. Not so 

Mossoo : he anathematised his hard fortune and the day of his birth. 
He dashed his hat on the ground, and danced on it: he tore his hair 
and at length in a passionate burst of tears he sat down on his port- 
manteau and consented to listen to .the voice of reason issuing from 
the mouth of a stolid Prussian porter. I 

" Paddle on all," and away we go again. 

To keep and find your place in Muiuuy, and at the same time find 
the corresponding places on the Right and Lfft Banks of the River, is 
a feat of no ordinarv difficulty. You should read it thoroughly before 
starting 1 , and you will then be able to ecjoy yourself and benefit your 

" What is that, place?" inquires a fellow-tourist without a Guide 
Book, attracting your attention to Stolz u nfels. 

" That? " you reply, pretending that you haven't been cramming up 
the Rliine history over-night. "That is Bishop Ratio's Castle, so 
called because when he was refused by the Fair Guda, he made the 
child Wurneu eat all the rats in his barn, while every one was shouting 
out ' the Khiue ! the Rhine ! ' as with the voice of one man. For this 
barbarous deed he was thrown into the river where he was subsequently 
interred and canonised." 

The only newspapers published in the Vineyard Country, are issued 
from the Wine Press. In the fruitful season, which is also the shoot- 
ing season, you will often see a poor peasant, who is unable to buy a 
gun in order to keep off the small birds, wat china- for the tiny depre- 
dators of the vines, having previously loaded himself with grape. 

Iu Sieamboat Travelling, a rug, a great coat, a portable bath, a 
carpet bag, a hatbox, a portable writing-case, race glasses, an umbrella, 
a camp-stool artfully compressed into a peculiarly inconvenient 
walking-stick, are absolutely necessary to the tourist who wishes to 
make himself thoroughly uncomfortable. He sits on his camp-stool, 
wraps himself up in his rug and great coat, places his portable bath on 
his hatbox and his feet on the portable bath, settles his writing-desk on | 

October 3, 1863.] 



his knees, puts his umbrella up to protect him from the sun, and saying 
to himself, " Now I'm comfortable ! " vainly tries to read his Muhiiay. 
Whenever he would turn 
J ~^ over a page, down must go 

the umbrella, and on getting 
the race glasses out of the 
case in order to look at 
scenery which can probably 
be seen a great deal better 
with the unclothed eye, 
down goes umbrella and 
Murray. If you leave the 
things, and walk up and 
down the deck, you will be 
nervously suspicious about 
every one who goes near 

picion ! Hence, fear ! " and 
giving yourself up to the 
allurements of the Nymphs 
of the llhine, will gradually 
cease to remember your 
encumbrances, and upon 
disembarking, in the 
anxiety for the safety of 
your trunk or portmanteau, 
will forget the lesser properties altogether. In this state we get out of 
the boat at Mayence, and not having as yet found out the loss, pro- 
ceed in ignorant bliss to the llheinischer Hof, Hof which you have 
probably heard a very good account, and will certainly, on leaving, 
receive, at the hands of the disinterested landlord, a very moderate 
account indeed. I 

Goodness gracious us ! Did not these critical eyes see how the resem- 
blance was carried out, not only on the stage but through the entire 
theatre of Drury Lane ? How is it that they failed to perceive the 
strong likeness between Prescott, the expectant villain of the drama, 
and Mr. Micawber of the novel, who is always waiting for "some- 
thing to turn up"? 

Again, Mr. Tom Grimaldi Mathews, who so admirably gets him- 
self up as a Deal Pilot, and dances like an i-deal pilot, what was he 
but an impersonation of Uriah Beep? Of course. And careful Mr. 
Barrett, too, was not he the very image of Traddles ? We will swear 
to a dear little Bora in the ballet, and it was Agnes herself who acci- 
dentally fell down (we hope she wasn't hurt) in the spirited dance, on 
the first night of representation. That indefatigable acting manager, 
Mr. F. B. Cuatterton as he stood by the Box Office, could not be 
mistaken for any one but Barkis the Carrier ; and that Mr. Falconer 
standing at the wing, had from his boots upwards plagiarised himself 
them, and will keep on re- j from cruel Mr. Murdstone, is a fact too patent to have escaped the 
turning to the spot, until notice of such acute powers of observation as were brought to bear upon 
finding them on every fresh | the new drama. 

occasion in their original i The other day the Ghost called upon the Lord Chancellor at 
position, you will say to Hackwood Park, when his Lordship said that he himself had met the 
yourself^' Away, base sus- shady customer about fifty-five years ago, when he was only half a Ghost 
or a Ghostling. Mr. Pepper complained that wherever the Ghost had 
been done, he had been " done " as well. Everybody laughed heartily, 
and then joined in a Highland Fling, Professor Pepper being the 
Piper. The company then separated, highly pleased with their rational 
and sensible entertainment. 

The Liverymen of the Honourable Company of Musicians are, we 
believe, about to give a Monster Concert in the Pre-Adamite portion 
of the Crystal Palace grounds. The Pneumatic Despatch Committee 
have engaged to supply the Ichthyosaurus with sufficient wind to 
enable him to play on the Big Bassoon. 


We are living in the nineteenth century, we believe. Mr. Punch is 
living in the nineteenth century, he believes ; yet feels certain that if it 
were the two-hundred and nineteenth century, the censure he would be 
obliged to pass upon the people's superstitious practices would be of pre- 
cisely the same character. Men and women of Sible Hedingham 
forsooth ! a very slight alteration in the spelling would mark them for 
ever as the folks of Silly Headingham. In the so-called dark ages a 
person of either sex supposed to have devoted his or her time to witch- 
craft, was himself or herself considered as a witchcraft with powers of 
floating on the water. These powers were constantly being tested by 
unmerciful immersion ; and now in these days, when the public mind is 
so far illuminated, and the brain is made so clear, that the result appears 
to be a general light-headedness, the ignorant country people again 
resort to the trial of a supposed witch by water, which trial will result 
in another by jury, that they perhaps had scarcely expected. 

There has been a reaction in the theatrical world. Drury Lane and 
the Strand have produced a piece a-piece. Let any one who finds the 
present time in London intolerably dull, enliven and interest himself by 
paying a visit, and something else, to the former of these two theatres, anil 
seeing Mr. Belmore as Jacob Vance, the Deal Boatman of Drury Lane. 
Ordinary points in the delineation of the rough old wrecker which would 
have been seized upon by the superficial and stagey actor, he has care- 
fully, almost to a fault, avoided. Hence in some parts of the play he 
appears to lack force where a conventionalist would have torn his passion 
to rags and tatters. Mr. G. Belmore, Cannot do well more, To make it 
tell more. By the way, some brilliant theatrical satellite of a matutinal 
luminous contemporary, for whose opinion, when it coincides with our 
own, we entertain the most profound respect, has made, as might be 
expected, rather "a shine" about a resemblance, which according to his 
lights, he fancied that he had discovered, between the story of The 
Deal Boatman and the beautiful episode of Old Peggotty and Little Em'ly 
in David Copperfield. How striking this likeness must be, our readers 
will gather from the following self-evident parallels. 

Jacob Vance, of Drury Lane, is a long-shore man, and has been' a 
wrecker; Mr. Peggotty is and was nothing of the sort. Jacob 
Vance belongs to a class of Deal Boatman-wrecker, shortly described 
in an old nautical tale, and in a well-known History of Kent; and, as 
Mr. Peggotty belongs to Yarmouth, of course he doesn't. Mary 
Vance, of Drury Lane, was found at sea, and turns out to be a 
Baronet's daughter; Little Em'ly wasn't, and doesn't. Leslie runs 
away with and then marries Mary Vance of Diurv Lane; Steer- 
forth runs away with, and then runs away from Little Em'ly of Yarmouth. 
The similarity between the female Peggotty and Mrs. Bridgett, of 
Drury Lane, consists chiefly in the fact tuat there are two Ts in either 


In the Glasgow Herald, Mr. James Neilson announces by adver- 
tisement, that he has been commissioned to sell at Stirling " by Public 
Roup," a lot of quadrupeds, comprising :— 

Mostly 4, 5, and 6 years old, 

And which, when at work, seem full of wisdom, and are the very perfection of 

true-drawing animals. 

Roup to begin at Twelve o'clock precisely." 

At four, five, and six years old, horses that seem full of wisdom have, 
apparently, much the advantage of human beings who do not arrive at, 
years of discretion till a much later age, if ever. The semblance of 
wisdom, according to the Scotch auctioneer, displayed by these animals, 
might be quoted by a moral philosopher with a taste for platitudes to 
inculcate on proud man a lesson of humility, not, however, quite so 
edifying as it would be if the creatures, that look filled with wisdom, 
instead of being horses were asses. 

We recollect reading a story, in which a coachman is described as 
calling to a slow horse:— "Now then, Shakspeare!" The narrator 
is disgusted at the association of the name of Shakspeare with any- 
thing stupid. It was perhaps only ironically that Shakspeare's name 
was given to a donkey of a horse. But horses that seem full of wisdom 
might with great propriety be named after the wisest of mankind. 
Jamie Neilson's lot might have included a Shakspeare and a Bacon 
—nay,* a Dugald Stewart, or a Thomas Brown; and since they 
were " the very perfection of true-drawing animals," any one of them, 
except, of course, the mares, might have been with equal propriety 
called David Wilkie. 

* Sawney, N.B. Nae, there 's >a allusion to neighin. Dinna suspec puir Punch 
o' brayin. 

A Matter of Profession as well as Practice. 

In last week's papers we were startled with a paragraph with the 
ominous heading, " Extraordinary Charge against a Solicitor." Such 
is our child-like faith in the immaculate purity of the legal fraternity, 
that we would not read the harrowing details. However, and we are 
speaking from experience, from which we have gathered wisdom to our 
great cost, if the same paragraph had been headed " Extraordinary 
Charge by a Solicitor," we should have felt much more readily inclined 
to believe in the truthfulness of the alleged offence. 

name ; the likeness may, in this instance, be considered as perfect to aT. ' wards in Chancery. 


We are repeatedly told that " Love laughs at Locksmiths."_ It is 
true to a turn, for there are instances on the legal books of Cupid, not 
only laughing at the Locksmith, but actually taking his pick of all the 



[October 3, 1863. 

/w ^ ^ Wty 


Friend lets Whittktop he won't clear that Haycock. He does it ; but afterwards has 
some difficulty in clearing himself. 


To the Editor of Punch. 
" Sir, ' 

" A Traveller, who had been at the Court of 
Dahomey, lately published a statement describing the 
manners and customs prevalent in that kingdom. The 
manners appear to be rough, and the customs revolting, 
all but one, which is admirable. It is thus described :— 

" No one is permitted to see the King drink ; all turn their faces 
away, and a large cloth is held up by his wives while the Royal 
mouth takes in the liquid." 

" Now, Sir, that liquid is generally rum. I need not tell 
Punch that rum is an intoxicating beverage. Next to total 
abstinence, what, I ask, is more becoming than the prac- 
tice of drinking only behind a veil? It is an acknowledg- 
ment of the ignominy of drinking. This is one of the truly 
grand customs of the King of Dahomey. That sovereign, 
if he does get drunk, is evidently ashamed of drinking, 
which is more than many Englishmen can say for them- 
selves. His sable Majesty, if he were not sable, would 
blush whilst he drinks. How many of your acquaintance, 
inclusive, perhaps, of Eishops, are accustomed to guzzle 
their port with countenances unblushing, except, perhaps, 
at the end of the nose ! 

"According to Mr. Ditton, writing in the Times, a 
similar custom in drinking to that which is honoured in the 
observance by Dahomey's Monarch, was observed also in the 
Court of our Henry the Seventh. What I propose, Mr. 
Punch, on the part of the United Kingdom Alliance, is, that 
a deputation should wait upon the Prince of Wales with a 
modest request that his Royal Highness would be pleased 
to revive this courtly practice by causing a napkin to be 
held before his face whenever he drinks, at least whenever 
he indulges in any intoxicating beverage. The example 
of Royalty would soon render it fashionable for every 
gentleman to make a point of covering his face in taking 
wine. Thus, in a short time, the act of drinking would 
come to be regarded as an impropriety, and the principles 
of temperance would accomplish at least the same triumph 
in England as that which they have achieved in Dahomey. 
I dare say you will call the foregoing suggestion imper- 
tinent, and say that its author is an officious ass. I will only 
reply that I am your humble servant, and 

"A Member of the Maine Law League." 

*** We should think so.— Punch. 


We shudderingly beg to acknowledge the receipt of the following 
Works, and implore the Publishers not to send us any more : — 

The Ghost and Bow to Lay Him. Published in White Sheets and a 
Spirit Wrapper in one of Bones' Startlins Baw-headitions. Also, 
The Skeleton Scullery Maid and the Sepulchral Sink. Mouldie's, 
St. Paul's Churchyard. 
Music Hall Handbills have been sent to us containing noticesof at- 
tractions calculated to improve the public mind : — 
Canterbury Hall.—kt 9 o'clock the Awful Apparition, with Comic 
Song. This is accompanied by a picture, to which the illustration 
of the Castle Spectre was of a comparatively jovial character. 
Islington Hall, near the Angel— The Goblin! Steaks and Chops 
always ready for gobblin' visitors. The bar has lately been deco- 
rated with Goblin Tap-estry. 
Easf an' Western's Treat, near the Cemetery, where the delighted audience 
will be semi-terri tied by the Big Bogie of the Black-a-moor-soleum ! 
Erom Grave to Gay. Comic Singing and Clog Dancing at 10.30. 
The Shades.— The proprietor pledges himself to keep up the celebrated 
Ghastly Appearances. Clanking chains, Mysterious noises, Spirits 
and water, Tumblers, &c, every evening. A crowded and trembling 
audience witness the Spectral Spectacles nightly with Shrieks of 
Horror!!! A medical staff in attendance, and an Inn-Spectre 
always on duty. Tea and Coffins. The just Iv celebrated Jumping 
Gibberers at 11 o'clock in their Vonderful Vault ! ! The room, 
by the aid of small Vampire Traps, is kept Ghoul-ish and comfortable. 

Is there any truth in the report that the foundation stones of two 
new Lunatic Asylums are shortly to be laid ? 

Sad, but True.— Why is it probable that Blondin's sensational 
performance will be often repeated ? Because it is always on cord ! 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13. Upper Wob.u 
City cf I.^don.— SATiraDir, October i I8S8. 


It is long since we have received anything pleasant in the shape of 
American news. " Out on ye, owls, nothing but songs of death ! " is 
the exclamation with which we have greeted the senders of each suc- 
cessive batch of telegrams that we have, for the last two years and 
upwards, received from New York, and the editors of all the newspapers 
in America. At last, however, one of the latter has sent us a joke, and 
here it is : — 

" Punch, a London publication of considerable promise, and no bad imitation of 
Frank Leslie's Budget of Fun, has a very clever squib upon the practice of noble- 
men putting their names down as directors of new hotels. It represents a number 
of noblemen, with their coronets on, waiting upon customers." 

Now this is really a good joke. It must not be passed over as if it 
were a broad play upon words, or an outrageous Yankeeism of ordinary 
impudence. To call Punch no bad imitation of Erank Leslie's 
Budget of Fun is a bit of fun, which, if a fair sample of the fun of the 
last-named periodical, should deter anybody from attempting to read it 
who is unwilling to burst his sides with laughter. 

Varium et Mutabile. 

Woman is always a variable and changeable thing. Our authority 
for this statement is pretty widely known, and as a particular example 
to this general rule, we give the following remarkable instance ■ — The 
other day a young lady, whose antipathy to all dangerous gymnastic 
exhibitions is proverbial among her own immediate friends, actually 
made a speech on the tight rope. 


A Concert-Singer having murdered a tune, subsequently tried his 
voice, and with ease acquitted himself. 

American Political Capital.— Abuse of England. 

October 10, 1863.] 




Artist (entering). "My good woman, if you'll allowme, I '11 just paint that bedstead of yours." 

Cottager (with bob-curtsey). "Thank ye, sir, I' sure it's very kind of ye but dinara ye 

think that little one over yon wants it more ? " 

The Pays of Thursday evening last week 
contained the following announcement : — 

" The French and Austrian Ambassadors in London 
had a long conference yesterday with Earl Russell. A 
perfect understanding continues to exist between the 
three Powers relative to the Polish question." 

On this statement the Times remarked in a 
note : — 

It is all right. Although Earl Russell was, 
at the date in question, as the Times says, in Scot- 
land, there is no essential inaccuracy in the 
assertion of the Pays that the French and 
Austrian Ambassadors had a conference with 
him. The noble Earl had engaged a brother 
Peer and fellow statesman to act in his place 
during his temporary absence. He had left Earl 
Punch as his representative at the Foreign Office. 
The French and Austrian Ambassadors had an 
interview with Earl Pun en. It extended to a 
conference of great length, although its duration 
appeared much too short to their Excellencies, 
who declared that they had never known two 
hours pass so quickly before. This explanation 
will suffice to clear up a natural but thorough 

Conditions of Peace with America. 

There is a consideration winch may have some 
weight in determining the Yankees not to force 
us into a war with them, whilst they have on 
hand any such work as the siege of Charleston, 
and whilst we have a Channel Fleet of Ironsides 
disengaged. Two circumstances render it inex- 
pedient for them to quarrel with us. They have 
too many irons in the fire, and we too many in 
the water. 


The truth of the proverb which says that wonders will never cease is 
illustrated by the miracles, real or pretended, now in course of per- 
formance in the neighbourhood of Pome. The Roman Correspondent 
of the Post says : — 

"iThe religious furore created alongall the upper valley "of the Anio and through- 
out the neighbouring districts, as well Italian as Pontifical, by the miraculous 
moving of the eyes of the picture of the Madonna in the Church of Vicovaro, a town 
nine miles beyond Tivoli, goes on spreading and increasing." 

Either this picture winks or it doesn't. If it doesn't wink, the belief 
of those who believe that they see it wink is wonderful. And there are 
many who believe so. The lablet endorses their faith. ; According to 
the other authority above quoted :— 

" The Infanta of Portugal, with her suite, and a host of prelates and dignitaries, 
witnessed the miracle, and deposited their gifts." 

And mind, the Infanta of Portugal is not a baby. Moreover :— 

" The other day aprelate of the Pope's Palace went and had prayers put up for 
his Holiness before the miraculous picture, which distinctly moved its eyes during 
the prayers, according to the written testimony of the prelate and many of the 

How many ? Out of a 'multitude gazing at the Lion on the top of 
Northumberland House impressed with a statement that it has wagged 
its tail, some, we are told, will seem to themselves to see it do so. This, 
anyhow, is wonderful delusion. So are the f; intasies of electro-biology. 
It is wonderful that the eyes are made the fools of the other senses ; it 
would be still more wonderful if, in a case like that of the Northum- 
berland House Lion, or the Vicovaro Madonna, they proved to be 
worth all the rest. Were the Lion actually to wag its tail, that would 
be a great wonder ■ but not so great as the motion of the Madonna's 
eyes. At a certain temperature the tail of the Lion, being metallic, 
would be flexible, and, given the spiritual force that hoists Mr. Home 
to the ceiling and moves tables, and the requisite temperature, which 
would be no difficulty to a certain class of spirits, the Lion's tail might 
be wagged by intelligible means. But. there is no understanding how 
particles of dry paint can move instantaneously one upon the other, 
and resolve themselves into new arrangements. The wonder, there- 
fore, of a really winking picture would be exceedingly wonderful, 
let this wonder is alleged to be not only occurring at Vicovaro, 

has become a little Loreto;" but, adds 

which, we are informed, 
the Post.— 

" Fifteen miles farther up the valley, however, is the more important town of 
Subiaco, with the ancient Benedictine Abbey, of which the Pope himself is abbot. 
It appears that Subiaco has taken nulli seennda for her motto, as a miraculous image 
of the Madonna manifested itself there at 9 am. on the 15th instant, by the same 
prodigy as at Vicovaro. The miracle took place in the oratory of St. Andrew, was 
attested by the pro-Vicar Ferrari, and announced to the population by the clangour 
of all the Church bells in the town." 

Who has witnessed this same prodigy besides the pro-Vicar Ferrari ? 
If not every beholder of the image, but only certain persons, then, at 
any rate, there is no room for unpleasant suspicion. Ingenuity of 
priestcraft is out of the question ; and the Winking-image is attested 
by the same sincerity as that which might honestly depose to having 
seen the Lion on Northumberland House wag its tail. When we are 
credibly informed that this appearance has been visible to a whole 
congregation at once, and not till then, we shall inquire whether it is a 
miracle or a humbug. 

In the meantime we are further informed that : — 

" By especial permission of his Holiness, the ancient image of the Saviour is to 
remain visible to the public in the Church of San Giovanni until to-morrow evening." 

Hence it appears Image-winking and Image-worship at Rome go 
together. The phenomenon may be supposed to commend the practice. 
There was a time when images are said to have winked in the Papal 
States considerably, once before. This was in the course of 1796, 
according to M. le Chevalier des Mousseaux, author of La Magie. 
Images and pictures, these painted on linen, panels, paper, in fresco, 
upon high relief; those made of wood, wax, or stone, not only rolled 
their eyes, and changed colour, but appeared to live and breathe ; their 
eyes sparkled ; one perspired, another shed an abundance of tears. Can 
we, as Dr. Johnson said of hearing his distant mother call " Sam ! " 
say that "nothing came of it?" All we know is that the Papacy 
almost immediately came to grief. Suppose it comes to joy this time. 
Suppose, instead of invading Rome, a French army remains there; 
suppose the Pope lives to a good old age. Suppose that neither he 
nor his successor is dragged through the dirt to crown a despot and 
consecrate what they believe to be usurpation, with deposition for their 
pains after all. On the contrary, suppose Victor Emmanuel restores 
Umbria and the Marches, what conclusion are we expected to draw ? 
Perhaps, that the image-worship ordained by his Holiness has averted 
the calamities which were portended by the winking images and 
pictures. But if nothing comes of it, or nothing but grief, how then? 



[October 10, 1863. 


ngularly, there is just now a glut of ghrsts 

where. There is a ghost at the Adelphi, a ghost or 

ghosts at the Britannia, a ghost at the Alhambra; 

there are three distinct ghosts at the Crystal Palace, 

the Loving Ghost, the Military Ghost, and the Nautical 

Ghost, besides a lot of oilier ghosts under the name of 

Lost Ghosts. Iu addition to all these ghosts there are divers ghosts at 

sundry Music Halls. " The air is thick with phantoms;" ghosts swarm 

like gnats. 

Now, if, whilst these factitious ghosts are in course of exhibition for 
public amusement, under the well understood denomination of optical 
illusions, real and genuine departed spirits, in private "circles," are 
actually showing their hands, and making use of them by patting 
people's legs, drawing flowers and other objects, ringing handbells, and 
lifting Mr. Home into space, how is it that these bond fide ghosts allow 
themselves to be insulted by mimicry? The ghosts that were invented 
by Professor Pepper are exhibited with the avowed design of demon- 
strating the unreality of those ghosts which spiritualists believe to be 
real, if ihere are any real ghosts, and if they can communicate 
with the living by raps, why do they suffer their authenticity to lie 
impugned without a sensible protest, against a calumnious misrepre- 
sentation ? "Why do they not give Pepper, and the other philosophers 
who produce the;sham ghosts, a rap over the head, or at least a rap on 
the knuckles ? Take a theatre containing a crowded audience ; the 
deuce is in it if there is not, at least one medium in it out of so many 
people, mediums being actually as plentiful as they are alleged to be by 
those who believe in them. Under these favourable conditions, cannot 
the true ghosts contrive to vindicate their existence and character by 
a single rap ? Have they not one rap to afford their friends as well as 
enemies? Do they consider neither worth a rap? They are mocked 
with a nightly defiance in all quarters. How can they stand it ? 

If I were a ghost, thinks every thinking person, I would take care to 
let opticians and actors know that I would not have my species aped 
and taken off with impunity. It would rather astonish both the man 
of science outside the scenes and also the performer on the stage in a 
ghost piece, if, in the place of the expected spectre, there were to appear 
a living, walking ghost, a regular ghost come from the grave, or rather 
from beyond the grave, from that bourne from which no traveller 
returns, as Hamlet says, although he has just seen one who has returned 
from it. If the spirits asserted to manifest themselves to mankind had 
any proper spirit among them, they would not submit to be triumphantly 
demonstrated to be all humbug, as they now are in the face of the 
public, by Professor Pepper and his followers. 

' Entertainment for Man and Horse." 

The name that they give to a hippophagistic restaurant in Berlin 
is appropriately enough, since it is evidently done out of compliment to 
the animal devoured, " La Salle a 

Latest Legal Shakspearianity. — " We 're not Solicitors-General. 

No, for then we should be Collieks." {By 20 disajypoinled Candidates.) 


Unfleasant undecided sort of weather this! Just as if Admiral 
Fitzroy hadn't made up his mind long ago on the question of wind 
and rain. Club-rooms are once more beginning to look cheerful. Lawyers 
and Barristers are returning to the service of the Temple, and Theatrical 
Managers are bestirring themselves to see how they can most profitably 
fill up the interval between this and Christmas. 

Talking of Theatres, Mrs. Selby and her corps of talented assistant < 
at the small New Royalty Theatre deserve all praise for the hearty ana 
energetic manner in which they have individually an I collectively laboured 
for the success of the new extravaganza, which is called " Ixion, or 
the Man at the Wheel. "'Tis not in mortals to command success," but 
the Immortals who nightly appear in Dean Street, Sobo, are of course 
far above even the slightest shadow of a failure. It certainly is the 
prettiest and best " got up " piece that we have seen for a long time. 
We hear that the experienced Directress is not only turning a pretty 
penny, but is also, every evening, obliged to turn several very pretty 
pennies away from the crowded front of the house. 

Then at the Adelphi there is Miss Bateman, who, as Leah, reminds 
us of Rachel. In answer to numerous correspond •nt s, we must observe 
that the Drama has nothing in common with Shakspeare's King Lear. 
Nightly is the Leah on the stage greeted with smiles in the pit. 

Mr. Telbin, who, on account, of his forthcoming scenic effects iu 
Manfred", has not been able to visit, the Alps this vacation, is going to 
bring the mountains on the Drury Lane stage simply out of Alpine 

By the way, the King of Dahomey has not taken a private box for 
the ensuing English Opera Season at Covent Garden. He principally 
objected to wearing evening dress. 

There is to be a grand meeting of Railway Officials, to discuss the 
subject, of Pees. Oae of their number, who has devoted his time to 
French Literature, will at Christmas time produce a translation of the 
Contes des Fees. A history of the system will be most interesting. 

The other day at the sea-side, the report goes that the Emperor of 
the French saw a whale on his back. This is the only sign of Louis 
Napoleon's ever having been beaten. 

The aspect of the Country is dull : but Horticulturists fear lest there 
should be great disturbances during the winter, in consequence of all 
their pretty well filled flower gardens becoming mere bare gardens. A 
truly mournful spectacle is it when the flowers being dead the garden is 
still laid out. Hoe, dear ! 


Hear Deputy Fry, at the Court of Common Council, on a subject 
which is a disgrace to the Legislature. Mr. Fry brought up a report 
from the Improvement Committee to whom had been referred the ques- 
tion of means to obviate the disfigurement of Ludgate Hill, and the 
eclipse of St. Paul's by an unsightly viaduct. He said that the com- 
pany to whose private interests Parliament has sacrificed the City of 
London, having expended much money in constructing their_works, of 
which the viaduct was anesseutial part: — 

" The directors, with whom the committee put themselves in communication 
declined under those circumstances to consider any alternative plan, and the com* 
mittee had to relinquish an opposition which was hopeless. The company, how- 
ever, had undertaken to build a viaduct highly ornamental in design and appear- 
ance ; but he believed that, decorate it as they might, the thing would be a great 
eyesore in that part of the Metropolis for all time. (Hmt, hear. ) " 

Yes truly ; hear, hear. The hideous obstruction in the shape of a 
Viaduct over Ludgate Hill will, as Mr. Fry justly observes, be " a 
great eyesore in that part, of the Metropolis for all time." It will bo 
also a monument to the barbarism of a crew of sordid speculators out, of 
the Legislature, and of their representatives within it ; the Members for 
Pelf, the delegates of the money-grubbing Snob interest. It is to be 
wished that the names of these legislators could be indelibly engraven 
on the "highly ornamental " Viaduct, with which they have empowered 
avarice to disfigure Ludgate Hill. The proper height of ornature lor 
the monstrosity would be those honourable names of theirs illuminated 
with glaring colours. They would thus be held up for ever to the 
scorn of posterity; in the mean time they deserve to stand exposed, the 
whole lotof them, in a -highly ornamental pillory, large enough to afford 
tbem sufficient accommodation for pandering to the barbarous covet- 
ousness of the spoilers who direct, the London, Chatham, and Dover, 
henceforth to be called the Goths and Vandals, Railway. , 


The Nile has risen this year in an astounding manner, has swept away 
part of the railway, and menaces Egypt generally. Just what we 
expected. Old JNilus is revenging himself for the outrage committed 
on his privacy by Captains Grant and Si-eke. The Pasha will have a 
good action against Sir Rodeiuck Vich Mijrchison. 

October 10, 1863.] 




over ax hotel bill. 

orthy Mr. Punch, 

" It is over— that painful 
moment, which winds up my 
week's stay, in this well- 
appointed Victoria Hotel— 
ai. St.Vincent's-on-Avon. 1 


was a shock. I HAVE 
PAID IT! ! That was a 
greater shock still. I did 
not remonstrate at, the 
moment. Perhaps I was 
stunned. I know I felt 
extremely ashamed of my- 
self, and somewhat ashamed 
of my host. Alywife, with 
the honest house-wifely 
feeling of one accustomed 
to take stock of the weekly 
items of her own family 
expenditure, and with a 
womanly aversion to being 
imposed upon, was for re- 
sistance. I over-ruled her. 
We had only half-an-hour 
to get to the station. I 
did not wish to embitter 
our last moments in a 
pleasant place ; where we. 
bad been very happy— *tffl 
(he bill came. I was doubt- 
ful if resistance would help us. I felt that something of the blame 
was due to m.vself. I hate squabbles about shillings. In short, J 
winced but paid, when my wite— (bless her honest heart!)— was for 
firing up and protesting. But I pondered on the bill, during our 
journey to town. And some of my reflections, I think, may have an 
interest for Mr. Punch and his readers— the middleclassones at all events. 
" To make matters worse for my digestion of this bill, I had come to 
St. Vincent's-ou-Avon, from the pleasant paths of lll'racombe— leaving 
a lodging where I, Mks. S., our little hope Sylvanus Shycock, and 
his nurse, had been boarded and lodged, for some three weeks, at an 
average rate of some £5 per week . . . boarded and lodged, mind, 
with the perfect comfort and sufiieiency, out of which my heart spake 
in last week's letter of lauds over lll'racombe and all belonging to it. 

" And now there was unrolled before me, for a week's .board and 
lodging under the statelier, but not more comfortable, roof of the 
Victoria Hotel, St. Vincent's-on-Avon, a bill amounting to £25 16*. 'id. ! 
I had entertained three friends — a papa and two daughters— twice to 
dinner in this time. We had consumed on each of those occasions, a 
bottle of sherry and a bottle of champagne. Besides this, we had 
ourselves disposed of some four pints of sherry during the week. But, 
these mild excesses set aside, there was nothing to account for this vast 
discrepancy of charge between St. Vincent's Hotel and our lll'racombe 
lodging, in the shape of any comfort or convenience that I can think of, 
after much reflecting. My dinners had not, been better, but worse, than 
those in my lll'racombe lodgings, inferior in quality and cooking, less 
various, and less copious. My nurse and her charge had fared still/worse 
than Mrs. S. and myself, at the second or servants' table, down-stairs, 
as to the supply of which I heard sundry grumblings. How was the 
difference accounted for ? To find out this, I was forced to come from 
generals to particulars,— and so to a dissection of this disagreeable 
document — item by item. 

" I arrived at St. Vincent's late— about nine o'clock— on Saturday. 
We ordered coffee and an omelette, and were in bed by ten. I find 
apartments charged 12*. Gd., attendants 3*. and lights 1*. Gd. for that 
night. For this 17*. I had an hour's use of a sitting-room, two bed- 
rooms for the night, the gas-light in the sitting-room — which I could 
have thankfully dispensed with for a lamp or a pair of best composites 
—and, say hall'-an-hour's consumption, at furthest of two bed-room 

"Next day we entertained our three friends; dinners, £1 5*.— 5*. 
a-head— not bad for a woolly piece of cod, a pair of fowls, a dish of 
cutlets, and a tart— my bottle of champaene (indifferent), 10*.; my 
bottle of sherry (very lair average wine), 6*.— When will this shame- 
less adherence of hotel-keepers to this old scale of prices for wine be 
put down by the indignation of consumers ?— the ale (say three pints 
of draught pale), 2*. Gd. ; dessert (a plate of filberts, ditto of squashy 
pears, and hard apples), 4*. ; teas (with probably a plate of toast or a 
little bread and butter), 7*. Gd. ; apartments as the night before, 12*. Gd. ; 
attendance, 3*. ; and lights, 1*. Gd. ; bringing up my day's bill to the 
imposing figure of £4 10*. Here I pause. If 1 had been as wise as I 

am now on reflection, I should have asked for my bill on Monday 
morning, and seeing the sum total, should have respectfully informed 
my amiable host that I could not afford this style— not of living— but 
of paying ; and that therefore, though I could not deny that his house 
was handsome, his beds comfortable, his waiters attentive, (sorry I 
could not extend my praise to his cook,) still, my means (even with the 
well-known liberality of Mr. Punch) would not permit me to live at this 
rate, and I should therefore betake me to a lodging— in the hope that 
the cost and comfort of lll'racombe might not be altogether unattainable 
in St. Vincent's-on-Avon— a great haunt, I was told, of retired Indians, 
old officers, and delicate invalids, during the winter, and therefore likely 
enough, one, would think, to be provided with accommodation suited to 
somewhat fastidious lodgers and not over-heavy purses. 

" I did not take this course. I was comfortable, essentially ; I was 
uncertain as to the length of my stay ; I easily settle down, and have 
great difficulty in weighing anchor again. 

" So I staid where 1 was, and bled, during the week, at the rate I 
have indicated by the above items of charge. 

" The result was that disagreeable sum tolal of £25 1G*. id. During 
the whole of this time, I only burned sitting-room candles (four) on 
one night. I and my wife may have used a single bed-room candle, and 
my nurse, four. For these and our share of the gas, I find mjself 
charged 17*. for the week. My nurse's board is charged 5*. daily; 
Sylvanus's (four years' old, bless him!) 4*., and once, when a little 
companion occupied au empty bed in his room, 1 find an extra charge 
of 2*. Gd. for that— making 15*. instead of 12*. Gd. for apartments 
that. day. 

"Now, I have no wish" to set myself' up as a victim, more than 
other men, or my host of the Victoria as an extortioner beyond his 
fellows. He was very civil to me, personally, aud I dare say, will con- 
sider it extremely unhandsome in me, to reflect upon his bill. 

" But 1 wish to deduce some conclusions from that document. 

" First, that £25 16*. 3d. a-wee.k is £102 15*. a-month, or £1233 
a- year, and that this may therefore be fixed as the limit of income which 
justifies people in resorting to an hotel of this pretension. I did not 
discover, however, that there was any other hotel in St. Vincent's-on- 
Avou, to which any one, accustomed to the ordinary comforts of a well- 
appointed middle-class home, could resort at all. If I am right in this 
notion, the only alternative in this case would be lodgings, with their 
chances aud chargts — which can hardly, however, make the resort to 
then) in preference to the Victoria, a change 'from the frying-pan into 
the lire.' 

" Next, I reflected with some bitterness, that I had been an ass, iu not 
calling for my bill daily ; by which course I should certainly have saved 
myself from the cost of the Victoria comforts, for at least six out of 
my seven days. 

"Thirdly, it occurred to me, whether it would not be an excellent 
speculation to set up an hotel at a place so much frequented as 
St. Vincent's-on-Avon, at a reasonable system of charges — with visible 
tariffs, everywhere hung up, instead of pompous placards boasting a 
great deal in generalibus, but giving no particulars, 

" Fourthly, I admitted to myself, with some shame as an Englishman, 
that in all my experience of continental hotels, in the most frequented 
European capitals, I had never been so freely bled, as here, in my beloved 
native land, and by a brother Briton. 

"Fifthly, I registered a vow that if ever 1 returned to St._Vincent's- 
on-Avou, I should give the Victoria a wide berth. 

"Sixthly, I felt it a duty to put on record my own experience, for the 
benefit of any of my friends— (1 include all my readers iu the number), 
who, arriving at St. Vincent's, and Attracted by the substantial, hand- 
some, and well arranged air of the Victoria.'or by the bills, profusely 
distributed about its walls, vaunting its cheapness aud promising monts 
et merveilles, in every way, might be tempted to put up there as I had 
done, and lulled in a fatal security, might postpone, as I did, asking for 
a sight of the bill ! If knowiag what they are paying they continue to 
pay, on their heads be it ! Though I feel sore at most, of these charges, 
I could digest every item more easily than I can those candles ! 

" I shall be obliged by a remittance, aud am, my dear Mr. Punch, your 
repentant contributor, 

" S. Shy cock." 


At the Annual Dinner of the Huntingdonshire Agricultural Society 
at St. Neot's the other day, Lokb R. Montagu, in a speech after 
dinner, observed that :— 

Did he ? Then he is a fortunate man. Lord R. Montagu is im- 
plored to publish a list of the public-houses at which he has been so 
lucky as to find a really good tap, flowing with genuine old English 
ale. The best liquor drawn by too many landlords is stuff called bitter 
beer, of which bitterness is the best quality, and which is more than 
bitter enough. By the publication of a guide to good liquor, his Lord- 
ship would do the Sfotfe some service, and bene fit the public. 




Keeper (wlw has never seen a breech-loader) . "I don't think werry much of 'im ; why he's bin and Broke his Gun the werry 

Fust Shot ! " 


Freely translated from the Twelfth Book of the Odyssey of Hosier, 
whoever he was, or they were. 

Then spoke Jackides, England's briefest Peer, 
" Have no vain terrors, friends, for I Am Here, 
Through direr straits than these, and seas more dark 
This hand hath safely steered the Lion bark. 
Remember former perils, not a few, 
And how triumphanlly I brought you through. 
'Twas I who rode the master of the storm, 
When three roused nations rose and roared ' .Reform ! ' 
I gave Reform, but gave with cautious hands, 
And stronger fixed our Constitution stands. 
Remember when large Wiseman dared assume 
An English title given by Pope of Room, 
I clove his mitre with a downright blow, 
And quick abased your UHramontane foe. 
So never need Britannia blanch and pale, j 
Until she sees her tried Jackides quail. 

" Such as I was, I am, with courage high, I 
A daring pilot in neutrality. 
The waves are rough, I own, and fearful shocks 
Threaten to dash our vessel on the rocks. 
'Twixt North and South to keep our steady course 
Demands the wise man's skill, the strong man's force ; 
But wait in trust, and you shall surely see 
Wiseman and Strongman both combined in me. 
The Yankee Scylla vainly scowls on you, 
As vainly scowls the Slave Charybdis too. 
I see no terror in those Federal glooms, 
Whence Lincoln's long and rugged visage looms,] 
I see no terror in that Southern cloud 
That wraps the face of Davis, keen and proud. 

Let Abraham disport in jocund tales, " 

And split his Union as he split his rails ; 

Let Jefferson renew his fierce attacks, 

And whip his foemen as he whips his blacks : 

Neither shall hail Jackides as his friend, 

Jackides, sternly neutral to the end. 

Only be ruled by me, whom kindly Fate, 

Or Providence, hath sent to save the State, 

And who, serenely leaning, as of yore, 

On Magna Charta, and Lord Grenyille's lore, 

Smiles at the Tory's fears, the Liberal's dreams, 

And rears the Whig's blue motto, ' No Extremes.' 



The race of fools and nincompoops is not yet quite extinct, at least if 
we may trust the following advertisement, which appeared the other 
morning in the Daily Telegraph : — 

ANTED, by Miss J. M. BROOKE, who Advertised for a HUSBAND 
on the 21st inst., ALL the YOUNG LADIES of ENGLAND to Read S00 Replies, 
now publishing in the MORNING MAIL. 

This of course is merely a bait thrown out for catching people to buy 
the Morning Mail, and we have no doubt the "replies" now being pub- 
lished in that paper are manufactured by the gentleman who, when he 
advertised for a husband, announced his name to be " Miss Brooke." 
The joke is rather stale, and we should fancy that a paper must be sadly 
short of readers when driven to such dodges as that quoted above. \i 
we could believe the announcement to be genuine, we should say that of 
the fools and nincompoops now extant, eight hundred of the biggest were 
they who wrote replies to "Miss Brooke's " advertisement ; but we 
prefer to view that lady as a myth, and therefore think the fools and 
nincompoops to whom we have referred are simply those who simply 
purchase a cheap newspaper on the faith of such advertisements as that 
quoted above. 

October 10, 1863.] 




To Mr. Punch. 

N Board the Zona 
the salmon cutlets 
and hot coif ee, Sir, 
were worthy of 
praise, but as I 
was not going to 
demean myself by 
speaking affably to 
a steward or a 
waiter, that praise 
has necessarily 
the present mo- 

The scenery 
down the Clyde 
has already been 
applauded by 

many people, and 
therefore I have 
ttle to say on that 
subject. I believe 
that even artists 
who are usually 
the last persons to 
discover the merits 
of nature, have 
found out that the 
Clyde offers them 
zr§| materials to be 
= spoiled by pic- 
'~~~^ torial manipula- 
— ■" tion. I am happy 
^E= to say, however, 
* =3 w that 1 have never 
seen any produc- 
tions of this kind. 
There were many 
tourists, especially females, infesting the deck, but I kept out of their 
way as much as I could, not wishing to be edified by their incessant 

raptures, let off whenever 

I pause at this word to remark that in the north of England, that 
is, Scotland, the natives use it — the word — in a peculiar sense, and 
quite wrongly. They say " whenever," meaning " as soon as." They 
manage, thereby, to convey ludicrous impressions. A pretty Scotch 
girl will say to you, " Whenever I came into the cabin I had a glass of 
Sherry," and as you have seen her go out and come in about twenty 
times, you are glad that you have not to settle with the steward for 
her refection. 1 proceed. 

let off whenever (which' may here be interpreted in both the 

Scotch and English sense) they find my friend Mr. Adam Black telling 
them in his Picturesque Guide that they ought to be rapturous. Eut 

Eresently a very extraordinary and unusual phenomenon occurred. It 
egan to rain. IS'ow, rain scarcely ever tails in Scotland, and the 
Scottish people onboard exhibited the utmost astonishment, and then 
ran under cover. The English, who are accustomed to behold rain, 
did not stir until the others ran, but then, with our usual imitative and 
gregarious readiness to follow somebody else's lead, they also sculked 
into the cabin, and the deck was left to your correspondent. I then 
had a few moments of enjoyment, which is always marred for me by the 
feeling that anybody else is pleased with what I like. I stood in con- 
templation, and gazed on the hills and the waters, and I watched the 
flight of the eagles. 1 imagined myself a sea-rover of the old days, 
commanding my glorious pirate vessel, and about to make a dash upon 
the unsuspecting inhabitants of yonder hamlet. " Come to me," I wildly 
shouted to the eagles, " and I will give you flesh." Then I raised my 
magnificent bass voice in song, and I sang — 

" Soon ye feast on'dead and dying, 
Fair-haired Harold's flag is flying ! " 

(By the way, a'ribald sailor told 'me afterwards that what I]had beheld 
were not eagles but crows, but he was a fool.) I had lashed myself 
into a fine frenzy of imagination, and had slightly astonished the steers- 
man by my bold gesticulations, when a gun was suddenly fired on our lee, 
which means our left. I turned and saw a small but peculiarly neat- 
looking steamer signalling us, and we slackened our speed. Presently 
a boat from the lesser vessel came alongside, and a gentleman of manly 
proportions, and with a voice to match, awoke all the echoes of the Clyde 
by demanding in enormous tones, 

" Is Mr. Epicurus Kotundus aboard?" 

He did not call me by those 'names, of course, but I prefer to be 

strictly pseudonymous in print, as I am thus enabled to contradict 
myself as often as I like. 

" That is me," I observed, with my usual attention to the rules of 

" Ah ! " shouted the gentleman. " All right. Then you and yours 
just come into this boat. Send on your traps to Oban." • 

I make a rule of always doing as I am bidden, and asking no 
questions, Mr. Punch, as you must frequently have observed. I and 
mine were speedily transferred to the boat, which pulled away, and the 
lona's huge screw again began churning the Clyde. 

" I'll tell you all about it, Mr. Epicurus, when we get on board, 
meantime I'm delighted to have caught you," said the gentleman, who 
seemed the incarnation of all joviality. My mood is habitually pensive, 
and I am averse to much conversation, but I can unbend at times, and 
revel with the gayest, so I said, joyously, 

" I am delighted to be caught, whoever may have hooked me. But 
when am I to be landed ?" I added, with a happy and facetious allusion 
to salmon-fishing, a favourite amusement in Scotland. 

" All right, my boy," replied my new friend. " Pull away, lads." 

A few moments more, and we stood upon the nice, clean, bran new 
deck of the smaller steamer. 

" I should like something to drink," I said, wishing to show that 
I was at home. 

The words were hardly uttered before the neck of a bottle of cham- 
pagne lay on the deck, and the contents of the dexterously decapitated 
flask were foaming into a huge goblet. 

" Slange," said I. There was no particular reason why I should speak 
Gaelic, aud I might as well have said " Your health," but it is well to 
ventilate one's accomplishments. 

" Dremakky, " says the gentleman, laughing. He also spoke 
very good Gaelic, which was the more remarkable as he was an Irish- 

" Now," he said, " the state of the case is this. You are on board 
a vessel which has just been built for the President of the Republic of 

" And are we going to Haiti, Sir ? " I asked humbly. 

He laughed in a jolly manner, and then stated that we were not 
going so far as that, but that the vessel, which wasnamed the Mariani, 
was on her trial trip, and was going to run the .Lights. That there 
was a select party on board, and the select party was at the moment 
beginning a select lunch. That he had heard from persons in Glasgow 
that I was on board the Iona, and that he had resolved on impressing 
me into the temporary service of the President aforesaid, my wages to 
be as much grouse pie and effervescent fluid as I liked. » 

" But — but — I am not very sure where Haiti is, but I believe that 
the President is— well, not to put too fine a point upon it— not exactly 
what you would call a white sovereign," says I. 

''Well, you're not a Yankee," says the gentleman, "and you've no 
prejudices against a dark skin, have you ? ' 

" I am not a Yankee, Sir," I replied, " and I have no prejudices at 
all. Still, I have always been accustomed to a white monarch." 

" Tbe President of Haiti," says my friend, " is a truer gentleman 
than nine-tenths of the European sovereigns. He is as brave as a 

" Lions are not brave," said I, " they are cowardly cats. Bead 
Jules Gerard." 

" And as kind as a woman," he continued, not being able to encounter 
my natural history. 

" Women are not kind," said I, " they are cruel cats. Bead any 
French novel you like." 

" I don't like any French novel," says he. " I wish you could be 
presented to the President," he went on. " He is an honour to human 
nature. A bold, wise, liberal statesman ! who, when he had in his bauds 
the most complete vengeance for the deepest injuries, would shed no 
blood, and forgave his enemies." 

" Let us drink his Excellency's health," says I, " and 'apropos of 
nothing, who are you ? " 

"That's my name," he said, pointing to a line in an inscription 
near the funnel, " and I have the honour of representing the President 
of Haiti." 

" Sir," said I, " you represent him as a ruler whom I am delighted 
to honour. What's all that hooraying about ? " 

" Our friends have learned that you have come on board," says 
he. "Let us join them. Fire, the guns," he added in a voice of 

"What for?" said I, as I always like to have a reason for every- 
thing, Mr. Punch, as you must frequently have observed. . 

" In honour aud glory of Mr. Punch" says he. 

Bang ! 

Bang ! 

Veiled in smoke and bathed in blushes, I entered the chief cabin of 
the Mariani. 

I will write the rest next week. I date from a mountain at Inver- 
ness. It is haunted by fairies, and is also a cemetery. Its name literally 
translated, is Primrose Hill, but it is higher than Ben Primrose, 



[October 10, 1863. 

Regent's Park. It is covered with trees, or else, I dare say, you would 
see a fine prospect from the top. I have never been there, but I have 
looked at it through my opera-glass from a wood, and a field opposite, 
and on the other side of the River Ness, which comes from Loch Ness, 
which is the deepest of all the lochs, deeper than the German Ocean, 
or even old Pam. 

Yours respectfully, 

Tomnahurich, Inverness. Epicurus Rotundus. 



he Serenely happy Tourist 
will now remember that he 
has just arrived at Mayence, 
without his rug, hatbox, 
umbrella, carpet-bag, porta- 
ble bath, race-glasses, walk- 
ing - stick - campstool, and 
writing desk, all of which 
he has accidentally left on 
board the steamer that is 
now bearing his treasures 
to Mannheim. As he reaches 
the door of the Rheinischer 
Hof, the sense of the fear- 
ful loss comes upon him like 
a flash of lightning. He 
claps his hands to his 
pockets, not meaning as 
it were to applaud them 
for having done something 
clever, but with a vague 
idea that the portable' bath, 
campstool and carpet-bag 
may not be so far off after 
all. What before were lux- 
uries, now assume an im- 
portance that makes them 
appear absolutely necessary 
to the traveller's existence. "Everything," he cries, "was in my 
carpet-bag ! I can't get on without a rug ! and what the dash 
can I do at Baden-Baden if I haven't got a hat-box? My soap's 
in my carpet-bag, so 's my brush, and comb and — and— my other boots ! " 
By the way, those other boots, always carried and not required, or if 
not carried invariably wanted, are sure to be lost during the trip. 
Apropos de Boots, however, we will just stop for one minute to say 
that, if any traveller, fond of grandly romantic scenery, wishes to 
make certain of seeing a good fall of water he had better [trip up the 
Rhine with his boots. 
To return to the missing articles. 

As landlords and waiters everywhere 'are supposed to know every- 
thing, the obvious course will be at once to question them on the 

Were the articles directed ? " asks the host. 
The Tourist patiently explains that he doesn't generally label a rug, 
a great coat, and an umbrella, but inwardly regrets that he had allowed 
the direction " Mr. Smith, Passenger to Bristol," to remain upon his 
portable bath. 

" Monsieur knows" the name of his bateau a vapeur ? " the landlord 
suggests, mixing a little French and Euglish in order to show that he 
is prepared for his customer whatever he may say. 

Monsieur however hasn't got the slightest notion what was the name 
of the " battue a vampire," and prides himself upon having pronounced 
the name right that time, anyhow. 
" Ah ! " says the Landlord, " Monsieur knew the Captain ? " 
" Good heavens ! No : nor the Stoker, nor Boiler, nor Man at the 
Wheel, nor anybody connected with the steamer." 
" Did they see where you got out P " asks the Landlord. 
The Tourist had been so engaged with his large luggage that he had 
not seen if, in stage phrase, " he had been observed." 
" The boat stops at Mannheim," the Landlord remarks. 
" Well, there I suppose," suggests the traveller, " they take out all 
the luggage." 
" Yes," replies the Proprietor of the Rheinischer Hof, " and if the 

things are not claimed at once " 

" Well ! " inquires our friend, anxiously noting a slight hesitation 
on the speaker's part in arriving at the catastrophe. 

" Well," resumes Rheinischer Hof slowly, " if they 're not claimed 
at once— they sell them." 

" Tourist ! a blight is on thy path 
What '11 become of the portable bath ! " 

Whistle the air of the " Mistletoe Bough " and sing, 

" Oh, my portable bath ! 
O-o-h 1 My por-tar-blebath ! • 

Chorus, in which the sympathising Landlord and waiters will (if not 
otherwise engaged, and if conversant with the air,) join, 

" O-o-oh his portable bath ! 
O-o-oh his port- tar -blebath ! " 

After this, order dinner, see your room, shake hands with the Land- 
lord, and determine to let byegones be byegones. 

The most remarkable object in Mayence will be of course yourself. 
Do not let the knowledge of this importance prevent you from visiting 
the Cathedral. Protestant though you may be, you will be here re- 
ceived into the Church by the Suisse, who is generally a fine handsome 
looking man, of whom the ladies say in Suisse-whispers, " Do look at 
his Suisse-whiskers ? " The French, ever attached to the lightest 
possible literature, once converted this Cathedral into a Magazine. It 
soon, however, fell to the ground, and now-a-days very little that is 
original remains, as the people subsequently took all their articles from 
the French. 

Even though you, or any other Tourist, may have given' up all idea 
of laying hands upon the lost baggage, yet you, as a pedestrian, should 
walk to Mannheim. At this place you '11 halt, and probably begin to 
limp as one maimed by the unwonted exercise, unless you have been 
previously accustomed to do the same thing, or as the French call it, 
maim-chose, or shoes/as in this case. 

A pleasant wet day.may be spent at Mannheim, by trying to find out 
by the aid of the Mannheim Directory, the address of your old friend 
who has performed the Samson-like gymnastic feat known as " Taking 
up his Residence " in this ancient town. We 've often heard of Dra- 
matic critics being able to " give a theatre a lift with their pens," and 
we suppose that these expressions are the results of a strong muscular 

But to the Directory. 

Mannheim houses are not as other houses. They are arranged in 
blocks, chiefly blocks of stone. The streets intersect one aaother at 
right angles wherever they can, and at wrong angles wherever they 
can't, and by generally interfering with one another in the most unac- 
countable manner, produce upon the mind of the stranger the feeling 
that he might as well be in Fair Rosamond's Bower, or the Maze at 
Hampton Court, without the sweet little cherub who sits up aloft and 
sings out " To your Right— To your left," and other intelligible instruc- 
tions to help him on his way. 

The streets have no names, though they will have, and pretty hard 
ones too, after you've been puzzling and meandering about them. 

The simple direction for finding out where anybody lives is, ask him 
himself on the first opportunity ; but if you can't see him, and haven't 
got time to write, take the Directory, and observe that all the blocks 
are arranged alphabetically, that the houses are numbered, and that 
there are many blocks more than the Alphabet has letters, and that 
then you begin again and make the best you can of it. That 's plain so 
far, isn't it ? Well, let 's say you want to call on Mr. B. Very good. 
Mr. B. you find lives at A, now on this point you will not be at Sea. 
Then A being a block, you find the number ; now, we forgot to mention 
that each block is numbered as well as every house, so that when you 've 
ascertained the number of the house, you must take care not to confuse 
it with the number of the block, and when you 've carefully arrived at 
a knowledge of both numbers, your next step will be to retrace your 
former ones, and see whether you were correct in the first instance. 
After this, take care that the block is the block in the Alphabet and not 
one out of the Alphabet ; then see that the number is the same as the 
one you had fixed upon, and finally learn whether or no B lives at this 

October 10, 1863.] 



number or not. After this it will he time for you to brush your hair 
and go to bed. 

Visit the Theatre, which was once reduced to a mere shell by 
the Austrian bombs. Ever since then all the Pieces have gone 
off well. 

The Cathedral was pretty considerably knocked about by the French 
who chipped and clipped pillars and statues and sepulchral monuments 
Here some Margraves are buried ; the iconoclastic French, however, 
appear to have been the principal mar-graves. They compelled the eccle- 
siastics to fly for their lives, and each one of the good monks was 
forced to take up his breviary and mizzle.; 

There is no inducement for the traveller to follow the Rhine above 
Mannheim, and the Rhine might look upon such a proceeding as going 
rather too far. You 're not Grant and you're not Speke, so none of 
your saucy observations, if you please. Come, move on ! will you, and 
just drop in at Spires. This place was built by the same ingenious 
architect who raised the one spire in Langham Place, Regent Street, 
of which this town is merely (as the name implies) an ample develop- 
ment. Keep your eyes open and you will be Spyers too. Mind you 
ask for the celebrated Diet of Sp'ires at the table d'hote. Don't be 
put down by the unseemly jests of the landlord or the gibing of the 
Miners. Very interesting place, Spires, full of historical reminiscences, 
and so on we go to Heidelberg. 


Le Follet begins its account'of tbe Fashions for October with the 
following devotional words : — 

" Now that the Autumn has decidedly made its appearance'among us all, our 
thoughts and energies must be directed to the study of the most becoming and 
:il>l>iM],i-jate_styles of dresses and materials_for the Season." 

" All our thoughts and energies ? " What all, love ? All our heart, 
soul, and strength, dearest ? Well, then, we shall be worshippers of 
Fashion, indeed. Now that the Autumn has decidedly made its ap- 
pearance, some of us begin to think that Christmas is coming. Some 
others of us have gloomier views, most of us are inspired with thoughts 
more or less serious. Eut you and I, sweet, will devote our whole minds 
to the decoration of our bodies. 

A Craniological Puzzle. 

{From the German.) 

Time' was, as wild Macbeth declared with dread, 
Men wanting brains, lack'd all that wins renown. 

But now a King will wholly lose his head 
And still retain— strange paradox— the Crown. 


Kate was talking glowingly about " love-apples." " That 's strange ! " 
exclaimed Charlie, her accepted lover. " Whv should 'love' be 
associated with ' apples ? ' On the contrary, I thought that love always 
went in pairs." Kate smiled approvingly. 


" Mr dear Mr. Punch, " Cato Cottage, Thursday. 

" Having nothing else to write about at this dull time of year, 
the papers have been full of letters about labourers, and the want they 
have of change in their homes and habitations. Now, Sir, you must 
remember that a Session or two since (at least so my husband tells me), 
an Act of Parliament was passed for the benefit of people called the 
Irremovable Poor ; and as surely their condition has been enough looked 
after, I do hope the attention of the nation and the Government will be 
ere long directed to the pitiable case of the Irremovable Rich. I need 
not te\l you, who know everything, how many families there are in pretty 
comfortable circumstances, where the Mamma, poor thing ! has annually 
the very greatest difficulty in getting her dear children removed to the 
sea-side, as it is essential for their health that they should be. I have 
at my pen's point a hundred cases of this sort, but I will not take your 
space up with more than one or two. Calling on my dear friend Mrs. 
Sm-th last August, I found her in a sadly dejected frame of mind, and 
on asking her the cause she told me that her husband had actually 
refused to take her out of town! — at least he had said he didn't mind 
escorting her to Margate, but as for Scotland or Killarney, or a trip 
upon the Continent, he really couldn't afford it, and though Scarborough 
was nearer, it was so extremely dressy that she'd want a heap of things 
(it was so the wretch expressed himself), and he was rather short of 
money, and so really must say no. With which cruel coarse refusal the 
brute positively kissed her, and then walked out of the house to catch 
his usual train, as cool and unconcerned as though nothing had 
occurred ! 

" The other case"of real distress, I think, is still more pitiable. Another 
friend of mine, Mrs. J-n-s, of T-rnh-m Grn, was advised by her 
physician, the eminent Dr. Wheedlem, to remove herself and children 
to the sea-side for a month or two, and upon her asking where she had 
better go. Dr. Wheedlem prescribed Cornwall, or Llandudno in North 
Wales. Mr. J-n-s, however, wouldn't hear of such a thing; said that 
Herne Bay or Southend would do the brats (for so the monster spoke 
of his own children /) would do the brats as much good as any other 
watering-place, and as for Dr. Wheedlem, he had recommended Corn- 
wall because he knew that Mrs. J. had set her heart on going there, 
for she knew quite well she didn't care an atom where the children 
went. Saying which he slammed the door, and heedless of her hysterics 
then stormed out of the house ; and the only reparation he has made 
for his gross cruelty is by giving her a little dinner at the Star and 
Garter, and taking her to "Brighton for a fortnight at the Bedford, 
while the children went to Putney ou a visit to their aunt. 

"Cases such as these are continually occurring, and in this age of 
Christian charity, I think it is high time that something should be done 
for the relief of such poor sufferers. If Parliament refuse to take the 
matter up (and as our Members are all men, I have no doubt that they 
will), private means must be devised to furnish ladies with assistance 
to remove themselves and families when .wanting change of air, without 
having to trouble their mean husbands to escort them. Benevolent 
societies should at once be set on foot for taking ladies and their 
children to the sea-side in the season, and defraying for a month or so 
their necessary expenses, including a few extras, such as buns and 
shrimps and photographs, without which little luxuries, life at a dull 
watering place would hardly be endurable, at least by the dear children 
whom it benefits so much. With regard to the providing of the funds 
for such a charity, I should suggest that stingy husbands should be 
bored till they supply them, or else that they be raised by a tax upon 
old bachelors, who surely should do something to contribute to the 
nurture of other people's children, seeing they have none to bring up of 
their own. 

" Begging you, Mr. Punch, who have a large bump of benevolence, 
to bring my scheme before the charitable public, and lend your valuable 
assistance towards securing its success, 

" I remain, Sir, yours admiringly, 

" Sophonisba Smith." 

"P.S. I have myself (at present) only three small children, and so 
we're not so irremovable a family as most. But Mr. Smith has 
thrown out hints about the cost of travelling and the dearness of sea 
lodgings, and so if tbe Society be started by next summer I think it 
sadly possible I may have to apply to it. At any rate, be kind enough 
to put my name among ike first who will perhaps require relief." 

" P.P.S. I have saved three pounds and threepence out of house- 
keeping this autumn, and so, if Mr. S. refuses to subscribe, I can pay 
something towards a Petition to Lord Palmerston, if you think that 
it be necessary to ask him to assist us, and that I 'm sure he would, for 
he is such a dear." 

The Land op Liberty. — Instead of Habeas Corpus in the United 
States, which has been suspended, it is now, in the case of the pri- 
soner who has been arbitrarily arrested, Abe who has corpus. 



[October 10, 1863. 


Dissipated Ballad Howler. " Sweet Spirit, 'ear my Prayer I" 


Behold our trusty Pilot, Jack, 

Between two whirlpools steering, 
And, whilst from Scylla drawing back, 

Cbarybdis deftly clearing. 
Not winds around his bark that sweep, 

N ot roaring waves affright him 
Nor sharks, nor monsters of the deep, 

That grin and threat to bite him. 

Him not the Great Sea Serpent can 

Disturb with giddy terror, 
Nor either larboard drive the man, 

Or starboard, into error, 
A hundred yards its head in vain 

Towards the stars upraising, 
Slinking aloft its horrid mane ; 

Its eyes like meteors blazing. 

Its tail, half severed from its head, 

With dire contortions lashes 
The billows into foam blood-red, 

Which mess our Pilot splashes. 
Yet holds he on his middle course, 

And does not swerve or blunder, 
But leaves the Snake with its own force 

To writhe itself asunder. 

Something for the Antiquaries. 

Mrs. Fondlechick was much amused the other day by 
reading in a paper that a medal had been found at Oswestry, 
bearing the legend " Augustus Imp." " Bless me," she 
said, " that 's what I say to my troublesome little Gusstf 
twenty times a day. Well it snows that Greek mothers 
had their troubles, like us " Her husband, who collects 
Queen Anne farthings, rushed out of the room. 


Q. What is the meaning of " a Cool Thousand ? " 
A. Allusion is made in this phrase to the thousands 
that are kept cool in the Bank cellars. 


People have ceased talking of the Princess Alexandra and her 
rare and matchle'ss beauty, but tradesmen do their best— or worst— to 
keep her charms from fading in the memory of the public. One man 
coolly writes a puff about his "Alexandra Corset," which " imparts the 
graceful slimness " of the Princess to the figure: while another recom- 
mends his "Alexandra Crinoline," as being framed precisely on the model 
of that worn by her. Alexandra Boots there are in copious abundance, 
all warranted of course to make the biggest feet as small and neat as 
bers are ; and the other day we noticed the Alexandra Knickerbockers, 
though we are sure our sweet Princess would never dream of wearing 
such masculine attire. Still more impudent, we think, are the puffs of 
the perfumers, who appear almost to hint that the Princess owes her 
beauty in great measure to their art. Thus the Alexandra Dentifrice 
is said to be " much used " by her, and is stated to impart a pearly 
whiteness to the teeth j while the Alexandra Hair-waver, which she 
condescends to " patronise," is puffed in such a manner as might lead 
one to imagine that she owes to its improving influence the chief 
capillary attractions which beautify her head. 

We expect soon to be told of the Alexandra Pearl Powder for 
blanching the complexion ; and we shall not be surprised if some one 
has the cheek to advertise the Alexandra Rouge-pot, and endeavour to 
persuade us (which would certainly be difficult) that the Princess buys 
her facial roses at his shop. Indeed while they are about it, we wonder 
that the puffers don't invent a quack specific for making the eyes 
sparkle as do those of the Princess, and the Alexandra Eye-brightener 
would doubtless succeed well, and so, we make no question, would 
the Alexandra Smile-sweetener, if ladies could be led to fancy that 
by using them they could imitate successfully the sweet smile of the 

Mr. Punch well knows the nuisance of being so good looking that 
one 's always being stared at, while every one is copying one's com- 
plexion or one's clothes. So he can sympathise sincerely with his 
sweet little Princess, for whose relief from the impertinence of puffiag 
pushing tradespeople a stringent Act of Parliament should speedily be 


So many girls continue to be burnt to death in consequence of wearing 
dresses cf excessive circumference over a ventilator of Crinoline, that 
manufacturers of dress-stuffs are urgently called upon to make them 
fire-proof. It is not that vain and foolish females require to be pro- 
tected from the results of their own tasteless vanity, or gregarious 
imitation; and if those results were limited to the combustion of a 
quantity of clothes, containing a simpleton, they might be accepted as 
a salutary example of the working of natural laws. If a moth will 
flutter round the candle, let it. If a young lady will surround herself 
with a grate piled with fuel, and not take care how she approaches the 
fire, she likewise might be allowed to find out her mistake ; if she could 
with perfect safety to wiser people. 

A cage was very properly placed round the top of the Monument and 
the Duke of York's Column, to stop lutaatics from jumping off those 
structures ; not indeed to prevent any fool from relieving Society of 
himself, but lest in so doing, he should tumble upon some rational 
being. In the same way, ladies' dresses ought all to be rendered in- 
combustible, not to hinder any of the daily occurring " Deaths from 
Crinoline," to the detriment of penny-a-liners, but because a foolish 
woman cannot get burnt to death without being likely to set the house 
on fire. 

Orthodoxy and Port. 

The Reverend Tobias Philpot, D.D, one of the few remaining 
specimens of the good old school of English divines, in looking over a 
newspaper, observed a paragraph headed " Bishop Colenso and the 
South African Clergy." "South African Clergy! Hah !" exclaimed 
Dr. Philpot, " Sir, the South African Clergy would never have had 
to complain of Bishop Colenso, if Bishop Colenso had not been 
accustomed to drink South African port. Slick to sound port, Sir, and 
you will persist in sound.doctrine ! " 

The best Excuse for Smoking a Pipe.- 
a good Cigar. 

-The difficulty of getting 

October 17, 1863.] 



The Earthquake was felt, too, in many paets op London. 
This is Old Beery, the Churchwarden, who declares that when 
he came out of the marquis op granby the pavement hit him on 
the Nose, and that his Street Door wouldn't let him get his 
Latch-key in. 


That part of the public which is unfortunately obliged to look, occa- 
sionally, at the Inferior Press, must have been struck with the recent 
appearance of a large crop of paragraphs in abuse of Mr. Punch. The 
simultaneous apparition of these things, and their clumsy family like- 
ness, naturally indicate confederacy, and at this slack season of the year, 
Mr. Punch thinks that it may amuse some of his readers to be informed 
as to the little game of the accomplices. As a rule, of course, any 
person who abuses Mr. Punch is either a fool, or a would-be contributor 
whose writings have been rejected, but there is a trifle of novelty about 
the little shower of mud which has been lately flung at that gentleman's 
windows, and the onslaught has been made for a sort of reason beyond 
mere folly or spite. 

Mr. Punch will own at once that he should have known nothing of 
the terrible conspiracy if one of the accomplices had not split upon his 
friends in the hope of obtaining a reward. He has furnished the fol- 
lowing particulars, for which, of course, he has been paid, but he has 
not been engaged by Mr. Punch, and is not likely to be. 

It seems that a Meeting of distinguished literary men, held' a short 
time ago in a private room at a tavern near Holborn, suddenly awoke 
to the conviction that something ought to be done to " put down Punch" 
and [set up a successor to that gentleman. The first 'gentleman who 
put words to the idea was loudly cheered and promptly chaired, and 
he assumed the headship of the meeting, with some little expenditure 
of affidavit at being bothered with changing his seat. We see no 
necessity for giving names, which nobody cares to know, but they have 
been supplied by the faithful traitor, and are also appended to letters 
in Mr. Punch's desk." 

The Chairman said that there was no need for much cackle, as they 
all knew what they wanted. Here they sat, perhaps as gifted a set 
of men as were ever touched with the fire-coal of genius {cheers), and 
yet there was not a man in that room who had not been insulted by 
Punch's rejection of his contributions. {Yells.) Let 'em scrunch 
Punch, and have a Punch of their own. {Loud cheers.) 

A Speaker said that there could be no doubt that Punch was very 
inferior to what that meeting could produce. He would back himself, 
lor a new hat 

A Voice. " Not before you want it, my boy." 

The Speaker said that such coarse and vulgar 'allusions were worthy 

of the person who made them. If the meeting encouraged such bru- 
tality, he would decline to associate with them. Some trouble was 
caused by this literary gentleman's irritability, but having had a little 
more stimulant, he suddenly began to cry, and declared that he loved 
the entire room, waiter and all, like brothers. 

The Chairman said that this statement was uncommonly gratifying, 
but a little from the point. He called attention to the necessity of 
attacking Punch right and left, and he supposed that everybody in the 
room had some channel through which he could do it. 

A Speaker said that he had been abusing Punch without cessation in 
the columns of the Dirtyborough Liberator for seven years, and he would 
do it for seven more ; for Punch had sent him back some verses which 
he had offered for nothing, and which were 

A Voice. " Exactly worth it." {Laughter.) 

The Speaker would like to see the flippant idiot "who had emitted 
that asinine howl write anything half so good. 

The Chairman said that such language was spicy, but had better be 
kept for the journal which he hoped they would soon start. 

Another Speaker said that Punch was a mere clique, and he hoped 
they would take precious good care that none of the Punch men were 
allowed to join the new journal. {Cheers.) 

The Chairman asked, whether anybody had got a good name for the 
new affair. 

A great number of names were suggested, but in each case somebody 
or other recollected that a journal had come out with the name— and 
gone out. The Bohemian seemed to find most favour, until somebody 
suggested The Cad, which was instantly and outrageously cheered, and 
glasses were ordered to christen the new sheet. 

" The Cad " having been drunk with all the honours, 

The Chairman said that there were a few details to be considered, 
such as finding a publisher who would trust them, artists who could 
draw, and so on, but these might be discussed another time. 
He would renew his urgent appeal to them all to bombard the old 
humbug, Punch. 

A Speaker pledged himself to go the entire hog in the Commercial 
Lavatory, and he thought he could get what he wrote copied into the 
Morning Starfish. 

Another Speaker said that he was' for pitching into the Times also. 
That was as much a clique as Punch, and he could say himself that 
though he had been on the press for years, and had sent to the Times a 
book full of leading articles as specimens of his style, his contributions 
had been returned unread. He knew that, for he had stuck little 
pieces of paper between the sheets, and, when he came to examine 
them, they hadn't tumbled out. This was sheer insolence, and he would 
say, pitch into the Times. 

A Speaker said that he never gave the Times any quarter in his letter 
to the Duffers' Gazette. He would henceforth also give it to Punch, 
hot and hot. 

The Chairman said that they knew of course what to say. Let 'em 
keep on declaring that Punch was not>hat it had been, that there were 
days when it showed talent, but now its pictures were bad and its 
writing worse, and that the public wanted a good slashing, dashing, 
free spoken thing, that would make people feel uncomfortable, not 
knowing who was to get into hot water next. That 's what they would 
make the Cad. 

A Speaker said he hoped they wouldn't be too prudish. Punch was 
read by the women, but he would write for men. They had no such 
timid notions in Paris. Eesides, he flattered himself he knew women 
well, and he knew that they didn't think worse of a paper because they 
could only enjoy it on the sly. {General applause.) 

It was then agreed that the forthcoming Cad should be puffed in 
every way, that such papers as could be "got at" should be loaded 
with paragraphs in abuse of Punch, and that in all public houses fre- 
quented by the meeting, the gentleman present should lose no oppor- 
tunity of saying loudly to waiters, or to one another (if the waiters were 
too haughty to discuss the matter with them), that Punch was very bad 

The question of editorship then came up, upon which so fearful a row 
ensued, that the landlord came up also, attended by a policeman, who 
turned the literary gentlemen into the street. They have kept their 
word, though, and the result has been, as Mr. Punch mentioned, the 
shower of mud which has splashed his windows. 

Silly snobs, go and pelt St. Paul's with your paragraphs. Or better, 
wash and work, and be honest and civil, and don't be envious, and some 
of you may come to a decent ending. 

Obadiah on the Earthquake. 

Among the numerous Correspondents of the Times on the subject of 
the Earthquake, there was one gentleman who began his letter with 
" Respected Priend," and signed it with " Thine " instead of Yours. 
A particular account of the Earthquake was to be expected from a 
Quaker. The Priends dislike titles of honour, but Mr. Punch hopes 
that this gentleman will permit himself to be called in future an 


[October 17, 1863. 


Mr. Punch, — Allow me, 
Sir, a space in your instruc- 
tive columns for the purpose 
of calling on the United 
Kingdom Alliance, in the ex- 
ercise of their duly self-con- 
stituted authority, to take 
proper cognisance of the con- 
duct of the Chancellor or 
the Exchequer, thus de- 
scribed in the Times : — 

" Mr. Gladstone in the High- 
lands. — On Saturday last the 
Right Hon the Chancellor of 
the Exchequer honoured Mr. 
Begg. of the Royal Lochnagar 
Distillery, with a visit, and in- 
spected the whole works and oper- 
ations in the malting, washing, and 
distillation as carried on at his 
works, expressing himself much 
pleased with what he had seen, as 
well with the quality of the 
whiskey manufactured, which he 
was pleased to taste." • 

I propose that the advo- 
: cates of the Maine Law 
should instantly convoke a 
Meeting to pass resolutions 
condemning the Chancellor 
or the Exchequer for per- 
sonally sanctioning the use 
of ardent spirits, and remon- 
strating with him on the bad 
example which he has thus set the people. I shall be happy to wait on Mr. Glad- 
stone at the head of a deputation from the Alliance, to inform him of the vote of 
censure thus passed upon him, I am, Mr. Punch, 

Your bumble servant, 
Place, Oct., 1863. Anti-Toddy. 


With which, if lie is in (he habit of singing, the new and 
excellent Judge, Mr. Justice Pigott, may favour the 
Bar on the Irst day of term. 

O Bless the good Duke or Argyll, 
And bless the good Duke of Argyll, 

If it 's true, as they say, 

That, he would have his way, 
And let off his Protestant bile. 

O bless the small Duke of Argyll, 
And bless the small Duke of Argyll, 

For the brave Serjeant Shee 

Nearly rose, vice me : 
But a miss is as good as a mile. 
Yes, bless the fierce Duke of Af.gyll, 
And bless the fierce Duke of Argyll, 

Who declared he would budge 

If a Catholic judge 
Should sit in this Protestant isle. 

And bless the strong Duke of Akgyll, 
Yes, bless the stroig Duke of Argyll, 

Who brings Ministers down 

With his strong little frown, 
Or keeps them in place with his smile. 

So bless the good Duke of Argyll, 
Yes, bless the good Duke of Argyll, 

And health to old Pam. 

Who behaved like a lamb"; 
And now, what 's the first case for trile ? 

A Nail into a Board. 

The Board of Guardians of a certain district in the east 
of London, who resolutely close their eyes to the atrocious 
nuisances by which the poor of that, part are killed, are 
now known as the Blind Beggars of Bethnal Green. 


Germany is about to declare war with Denmark. Mr. Punch has 
been favoured with an early copy of the Declaration of War. It states 
the whole case with the energy and precision characteristic of the 
German mind, and he has much satisfaction in preserving it for 
posterity :— 

To the (so-called) Danes. 

{JVUh reservation of right to an alternative of nomenclature) 

Subjectively, as well as objectively, the annihilation, or even the debili- 
tating distribution of inherent or accumulative rights approximates 
unto an analytical propinquity to an infinitesimal re-integration of 
political relations. 

Schleswig and Ilolstein, Holstein and Schleswig, both with co- 
ordinate compatibilities for an unrestricted development, claim terri- 
torially as well as aesthetically an invigorative restoration of entities, 
based on analysis, verified by synthesis, and hallowed by sentiment. 

Self-consciousness and conscientiousness are alike violated for the 
few and for the many when a sceptical centralisation disturbs either by 
traditional force or complicated legalities, the mesmeric adhesion of 
individuality to the progress of idealism. 

[Here follow about seven columns of argument, proving in the most 
resistless manner that if one person is weaker than another, the 
latter is stronger than the former. 
Disquisition upon the inherent right of mankind to associated oppo- 
sition to undesirable agencies may be regarded as precluded by 
precedent, but it may be logical to interpolate a series of evidences 
which if examined with due elaboration will serve as basis for a super- 
structure of irrefragable and adamantine tenacity. 

[Here follows a careful and voluminous digest of the history of all the 
wars that have been undertaken since the Jail of Troy. 
Schleswig-Holstein, Holstein-Schleswig, naturalised into the great 
European family, claims all the rights of her brethren and sisters, and 
who shall thrust her hungering away from the great table spread by 
j nature for the sustenance of her tender offspring ? 
I Finally, but not exhaustively, and with reserved right of expatiation, 
! we appeal to intellectual Europe with two watchwords that beam like 
j the stars in the blue empyrean of liberty. These are- 
Beer, and Tobacco ! 

And we therefore decree Federal Execution, and the German Fleet 
will immediately be built and ordered to sail into Schleswig-Holstein. 
Done at Frankfort. 

(Signed) Von Moo net. 

(Countersigned) Von Swipes. 


Now, capitalists, now is your time to buy houses. There is the most 
awful commotion in what used to be thought the Genteel District all 
round the British Museum. All the inhabitants are moving. Half a 
dozen earthquakes wouldn't have done it. It reminds one of the rush 
made in the same quarter when Mr. Disraeli's friend, His Excellency 
Captain Popanilla was in town. A wit had made an epigram against 
the quarter, and everybody was rushing Westward. The same phe- 
nomenon has occurred again. On Wednesday last, the Times explained 
that the district in question : — 

" Is now the economical quarter for Trading Respectability, as it was formerly 
the splendid quarter of legal eminence and mercantile wealth." 

The row at the breakfast tables that morning, when these lines were 
incautiously read out, was something appalling. If the writer of that 
paragraph values his life, and does not wish to encounter the fate of 
Orpheus, let him keep outside the radius of a mile from Mr. Panizzi's 
bust over the reading-room door. " Trading Respectability." Many 
a wretched husband got, that day, a stormy breakfast and a frigid 
dinner. Many a domestic tragedy was enacted, the principal part by an 
enraged matron who "never thought" to have been stuck down as a 
respectable tradesman's wife. Many a street door was slammed— many— 

But why dilate upon the melancholy part of the business ? If this 
distinct notification that the inhabitants are all plebeians frightens them 
away, we shall get the property cheap for Professor Owen and his 

Literary Announcement 
The Court Journal, usually so preternaturally well informed, states 

" Mr. Sh****y Br"*ks has a novel, on the Stocks, to be published," &c. be. 

We believe that we have authority to say that the subject of the 
novel in question is not the Stocks, nor yet the Pillory. Either sensa- 
tional topic, therefore, is at the service of other gentlemen. 

October 17, 1863.] 



uly for the sake of record, and 

not in any unseemly triumph 
at being right— for why should 
he be proud of being right who 
never can be wrong— Mr. Punch 
requests the whole world to 
take up his 

POCKET-BOOK for 1863. 

Having done so, the world 
will next be good enough to 
turn to 

Page 190 

of that little volume. The 
following paragraph will be 
found in the article entitled 


" October. 

" 6. Several Shocks of an 
Earthquake felt in London, and 
most of the new houses built by- 
Contract, fall ten years sooner than 
was expected." 

The Sixth of October. Look 

for yourselves. 

The Earthquake, punctual 

7 r f^ to Mr. Punch's appointment, 

came on Tuesday, the Sixth. 

As we knew it would. The 

houses are going to fall, but 

that is their business. Ours 

oj, is merely to say, as we have 

^ said a thousand times, 



Is cruelty to animals contrary to Christianity ? Not at all, must be the answer, 
if the Censor at Rome is any authority on that question, and has penned the sub- 
joined judgment on a Little book entitled A Short Catechism on Humanity to Animals, 
submitted to him, according to a statement in the Times, by a lady who had 
translated it, printed it, and was going to publish it for the edification of Italians 
addicted to the torture of the lower creatures, horses in particular -.— 

" The little work has many inaccuracies. It supposes that humanity towards animals is a 
Divine precept. It supposes that there exists in animals a right which a man ought to respect, 
and it supposes that to be a good Christian one ought to be compassionate towards the beasts. 
The mode in which the author proceeds to prove his theme makes manifest that he has 
recourse only to the Bible, and to this interpreted according to his caprice." 

There is a declaration somewhere to the effect that a good man is merciful to 
his beast, but this, by the' rule of the decision above-quoted, is interpreted according 
to private caprice if it is understood to mean that one ought to be compassionate 
towards the beasts in order to be a good Christian. But is this morality ? If the 
Pope's Censor is allowed to say so, the answer must be, "Ay, marry is't; 
Infallible Church morality." If he has erred in so saying, he is not fit for his 
place, and the Holy Father, who gives Hats to sound Doctors, should immediately 
give this unsound one the Sack. But there is good reason to suppose that the 
orthodoxy of this Roman is at least as sound as that of any Spaniard ; and if his 
doctrine about humanity to animals, as above expounded, is a specimen of it, his 
master might assign him the office of a bishop in Spain, in which capacity he might 
be empowered to bestow the Apostolical benediction upon Bull-Fights. 


The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher so worships the Union that he is ready 
to sacrifice his son to it, " faster than Abraham was going to offer up Isaac." This 
looks like pretty considerable idolatry. One would think that Mr. Beecher 
must be a queer sort of a Christian. So he is. Mr. Beecher is a War Christian. 
The less he says about Abraham the better. His only Abkaham is Abkaham 

From Mr. Beecher's speech at Glasgow we are surprised to learn that the 
deadly offence which we have given the Yankees, and for which they rail against us 
with such rabid malice, and vow robbery and murder against us with such venomous 
hate, is want of sympathy. What ! Want of sympathy with a people who are 
struggling to prevent the disruption of their Empire? How can we, whose fore- 
fathers experienced the calamity of revolted colonies, fail to sympathise with the 
loyalty of the descendants of their revolted colonists ? 


A Shudder through this English land 
From South to North ; a moment's shock 

Unmoved the towers and temples stand, 
Only the houses somewhat rock, 

And, being in their slumber shaken, 

Sleepers in consternation waken 
Near upon half-past three o'clock. 

Stools, chairs, and tables stir and jump, 
From mantelshelves some objects fall ; 

Some beds beneath their speakers bump ; 
Some plaster crumbles from the wall : 

The frames of the awakened quiver, 

Around them whilst their dwellings shiver, 
And noises straDge their minds appal. 

Clocks stop, and bells in places ring, 
Whilst to and fro foundations heave ; 

Gates, jangling, on their hinges swing ; 
Doors slam, panes rattle ; folks believe 

That thieves are breaking in ; and under 

There rumbles subterranean thunder, 
As though of rocks in act to i 

Dogs howl, or slink away in fright, 
Brute cattle low ; a sense of dread, 

Dim consciousness that all's not right, 
Confounds the horned creature's head 

Not less than man, upon his pillow 

Tossed by an earth-wave, like the billow 
That rolls along on Ocean's bed. 

'Tis well the human herd has felt 
In Mother Earth how frail their trust, 

Divided from the molten belt 
Of Vulcan by how thin a crust ; 

Instructed, by the gentle wag 

Of underlying fiery quag, 
O'er what a gulf they tread the dust. 

But, minds, within the mortal 

Which they inhabit, pondering, know 

In'what yet thinner tubes of veins 
And arteries hath man's blood to flow 

Throughout the finest nervous tissue : 

And giving but a mere drop issue 
Life's pipes were burst : all over so ! 

Such minds, that think above the hog, 
The bleating flock, the bellowing kine, 

Need no admonitory jog 
Beneath them from the' lava mine. 

So, Jones, thou art serenely able 

Earth and thy frame, alike unstable"; 
To trust alike in hands not thine. 


It is difficult to comment lightly upon profanity, without 
manifesting apparent irreverence. _ Yet who can write 
gravely on a Frenchman's profanity? His theology is 
theatrical, like all else that is his. In fact he "thinks 
theatre." So, when General Forey told his Mexican 
army that his master— 

" Had in China planted the Cross of Christ, side by side with 
the French flag." 

the poor, foolish, brave horse-soldier meant nothing but a 
sentimental clap-trap. - He was not reproducing the 
emasculated blasphemies of M. Renan. He was thinking 
of the final tableau in a melodrama at the Hippodrome, 
orchestra brayinsr, red fire blazing, populace shouting. And 
with the First Napoleon in a front place among the arch- 
angels in the Madeleine, it is not, wonderful that a servant 
of the Third Napoleon should judge his employer entitled 
to place a flag anywhere. Only it is half a pity that such 
things are translated for readers who also read history, and 
may be disposed to think that if the French flag is to be 
planted near any cross, it has sometimes merited a position 
near a cross to which reference was made by Daniel 
O'Connell when deducing an insulting pedigree for a 
political antagonist. 



[October 17, 1863. 

Georgina. " Why, what 's the matter with mt Little Poppet ? " 
Little Poppel. " Oh, Aunty dear, Walter can't find his Stumps, so he 

making a Wicket of my best Doll !" 


Up with the drum that storm forebodes, 

From the signal rigging flown ; 
The only puzzle 's about the modes 

la which to point the cone — 
Tor upwards tells of storms from East, 

And downwards from Westward blown. 

But if upwards or downwards who shall say, 

Or opposite cones together, 
"When clouds so bank and blacken each way, 

Portending awful weather ? 
That not the most sky-piercing sense 
That Europe holds dare speculate whence, 

Or, still less, prophesy whither. 

Will the storm come from the nor'-nor'-west : 
About the Great Black Eagle's nest ? 

Where red stains freeze along the snow, 
That fain poor Poland's dead would hide, j 

But up the accusing corpses show, 
With teeth set hard as when they died, 

With face to Heaven, and breast to foe, 
Their hands still clenching scythe or spade 
That served for bayonet or blade. 

Where skeleton-like the charred beams peep 
Out of those sheets of winter's sleep, 

That look so pure and shroud such sin ; 
Or a little hand shows here and there, 
Or a silky curl of infant's hair, 

Still clasped the mother's hand within, 
Who died so hard, yet could not save 
The little one that shares her grave ? 

The clouds they draw to the nor'-nor'-west, 
About the Great Black Eagle's nest, 

So thick, so charged with vengeful ire, 
So laden with God's own levin-fire, 
It scarce may be but the storm must burst, 
On the nest of the Great Black Eagle first. 

But farther to South and more to West 

The storm-clouds gather grim, 
Where Dausker and Dutchy-man are prest 

On Baltic's West-land rim, 
Spirits of Vikings wake from sleep, 

Who living loved the loud wild roar 
Of elements upon the deep, 

Or charged as fiercely on the shore, 
Aud Swede and Norseman to Dansker calls, 

And bids be of good cheer, 
And forge-fire glows, and hammer falls, 
Welding the armour for wooden walls, 

Or shaping sword and spear, 
And the white-hot metal splashing runs 
Into the moulds of the mighty guus, 
And growling thunder, near and far, 
lioll up the sulphurous clouds of war. 
Or comes the storm from the Banks of Spree, 

Where " a little game " they 're at, 
With the Hohenzollern's crown for pea, 

And for thimble Dollf's his hat ? 
Comes the storm from the people's wrath, 

Slow-roused, to sweep away 
The bauble sceptre that bars the path 

Of Prussia to breathing day ? 
Comes the storm from the smouldering fires 

Of "Federal" Execution, 
The breath of the Diet that never tires 

Of its threats of Retribution ? 
Comes the storm from the clash in air 

Of Pruss and Austrian Eagles ? 
Or from Franks with Prussians proud to wear 

Their collars as Russia's beagles, 



We know not whence the storm may come, 
But its comiDg 's in the air, 

And this is the warning of the drum, 
Against the storm, Prepare ! 

October 17, 1863.] 



To hunt the Polish patriot down, 
Or the baser hound, that for the crown, 
Betrays whom he inveigles ? 

Comes the storm from the bed that heaves 

With the groans of " the sick man " lying, 
With his heirs all cursing him in their sleeves. 

Because he 's so long a-dying ? " 
Comes the storm from Venice or Rome ? 

Or comes the storm from across the foam ? 
Where, as North and South, the tempest rages, 

And threatens e'en their ancient Home, 
Once place of Pilgrimages, 

But now their scoff and scorn and hate, 
Because we have watched their storms rage on. 

And only prayed they might abate, 
Nor catch up Englishman, Frank, or Don, 

And tangle Europe with Union's fate ? 

But howsoever we hoist the drum, 
Or whencesoeyer the storm may come, 
A watchful, wily, Eagle I see 
With the banks of the Seine for his aery, 

That wheels and wheels about the piles 
Of cloud, all sullen with stormy war, 

Now soaring, sinking otherwhiles, 
As if he scented the prey a-far, 
And meant that the storm where'er it break, 
Should bring him food for his yellow beak. 

We know not whence the storm may come, 

But its coming 's in the air, 
And this is the warning of the drum, 

Against the storm, Prepare ! 


Nathaniel Hawthorne, author of the Scarlet Letter and the 
House with the Seven Gables (you see we at once endeavour to create a 
prejudice in your favour) you are a 'cute man of business besides being 
a pleasing writer. We have often credited you with literary merit, and 
your style, dear boy, puts to shame a good many of our own writers 
who ought to write better than they do. But now let us have the new 
pleasure of congratulating you on showing that you are as smart a man, 
as much up to snuff, if you will pardon the colloquialism, as any Yankee 
publisher who ever cheated a British author. You have written a book 
about England, and into this book you have put all the caricatures and 
libels upon English folk, which you collected while enjoying our hos- 
pitality. Your book is thoroughly saturated with what seems ill-nature 
and spite. You then wait until the relations between America and 
England are unpleasant, until the Yankee public desires nothing better 
than good abuse of the Britisher, and then like a wise man, you cast 
your disagreeable book into the market. Now we like adroitness, even 
when displayed at our own expense, and we hope that the book will 
sell largely in America, and put no end of dollars to your account. 
There was once a person of your Christian name, who was said to be 
without guile. Most, American pedigrees are dubious, but we think 
you would have a little extra trouble to prove your descent from 
Nathaniel of Israel. In a word, you are a Smart Man, and we can 
hardly say anything more likely to raise you in the esteem of those for 
whom you have been composing. Come, there is none of the " insular 
narrowness," on which you compliment us all, in this liberal tribute to 
your deserts. You see that in spite of what you say, " these people " 
(the English) do nor. all " think so loftily of themselves and so con- 
temptuously of everybody else that it requires more generosity than you 
possess to keep always in perfectly good humour with them." You 
will have no difficulty in keeping in perfectly good humour with us. 

We are pleased with you, too, on another point. You stick at 
nothing, and we like earnestness. Not content with smashing up our 
male population in the most everlasting manner, you make the most 
savage onslaught upon our women. This will be doubly pleasant to 
your delicate-minded and chivalrous countrymen. And we are the more 
inclined to give you credit here, because you do not write of ladies 
whom you have seen at a distance, or in their carriages, or from the 
point of view of a shy and awkward man who sculks away at the rustle 
of a crinoline, and hides himself among the ineligibles at the ball-room 
door. Everybody knows that you have had ample opportunity of culti- 
vating ladies' society, and have availed yourself of that opportunity to 
the utmost. Everybody in the world knows that the gifted American 
Consul at Liverpool is an idoliser of the ladies, and is one of the most 
ready, fluent, accomplished talkers of lady-talk that ever fascinated a 
sofa-lull of smiling beauties. His gay and airy entrance into a drawing- 
room, his pleasant assurance and graceful courtesy, his evident revel in 
the refined atmosphere of perfume and persiflage, are proverbial, and 
therefore he is thoroughly acquainted with the nature and habits of 

English women. Consequently his tribute has a value which would not 
appertain to the criticisms of a sheepish person, either so inspired with 
a sense of his own infinite superiority, or so operated on by plebeian 
mauvaise honte, that he edges away from a lady, flounders and talks 
nonsense when compelled to answer her, and escapes with a red face, 
like a clumsy hobbadehoy, the moment a pause allows him to do so. 
No, no, this is the testimony of the lady-killer, the sparkling yet tender 
Liverpool Lovelace, Nathaniel Hawthorne, to the merits of our 
English women.', 1 

" English girls seemed to me all homely alike. They seemed to be country . 
lasses, of sturdy and wholesome aspect, with coarse-grained, cabbage-rosy cheeks, I 
and, I am willing to suppose, a stout texture of moral principle, such as would bear 
a good deal of rough usage without suffering much detriment. But how unlike the 
trim little damsels of my native laud ! I desire above all things to be courteous." 

Courteous. Of course. How can the drawing-room idol be anything 
but courteous?. He simply sketches our young ladies truthfully. Indeed 
he says so : — 

" Since the plain truth must be told, the soil and climate of England produce 
feminine beauty as rarely as they do delicate fruit, and though admirable specimens 
of both are to be met with, they are the hot-house ameliorations of refined society, 
and apt, moreover, to relapse into the coarseness of the original stock. The men 
are man-like, but the women are not beautiful, though the female Bull be well 
enough adapted to the male." 

"The female Bull." Cow would have been neater, and more enter- 
taining, perhaps, to Broadway ; but one would not mend after a master. 

But our matrons. We rather, in our weakness, piqued ourselves 
upon our matrons, with what we've thought their handsome faces, 
ready smiles, cheerful kindness, and tongues that talk freely because 
the hearts are innocent. Thanks to our Lovelace-Adonis, we now know 
that we must abandon this superstition. Here is his sketch of the 
English married lady of middle age :— 

" She has an awful ponderosity of frame, not pulpy, like the looser development 
of our few fat women, but massive with solid beef and streaky tallow ; so that 
(though struggling manfully against the idea) you inevitably think of her as made 
up of steaks and sirloins. When she walks, her advance is elephantine. "When she 
sits down, it is on a great round sp*ce of her Maker's footstool, whore she looks as 
if nothing could ever move her. She imposes awe and respect by the muchness of 
her personality, to such a degree that you probably credit her with far greater 
moral and intellectual force than she can fairly claim. Her visage is usually grim 
and stern, seldom positively forbidding, yet calmly terrible. " 

Calmly terrible. Is not this a momentary weakness, Nathaniel? 
Can any created woman be terrible to you.? Away, eater of hearts. 
You don't fear any matron. You show it in your next passage :— 

" You may meet this figure in the street, and live, and even smile at the recol" 
lection. But conceive of her in a ball-room, with the bare brawny arms that she 
invariably displays there, and all the other corresponding development, such as is 
beautiful in the maiden blossom, but a spectacle to howl at in such an overblown 
cabbage-rose as this." 

Well painted, Nathaniel, with a touch worthy of Rubens, who was 
we think, your great uncle, or was it Milton, or Thersites, or some- 
body else, who, in accordance with American habit, was claimed as 
your ancestor. Never mind, you are strong enough in your own works 
to bear being supposed a descendant from a gorilla, were heraldry 
unkind. Mr. Punch makes you his best compliments on your smart- 
ness, and on the gracious elegance of your descriptions of those with 
whom you are known to have been so intimate, and he hopes that you 
will soon give the world a sequel to Transformation, in the form of 
an autobiography. Eor he is very partial to essays on the natural 
history of half-civilised animals. 


The Tablet's own Correspondent at Rome writes as follows about 
Victor-Emmanuel, whom most people in their senses call the King 
of Italy:— 

" The Kino of Piedmont has been seriously ill, but has, however, recovered his 
usual health by means of very severe remedies, and the popular mind in Rome 
connects his indisposition with the late devotions, a pretty clear indication that the 
people have not lost their faith." 

That is to say, we presume, the faithful Romans believe "that the 
Sovereign abovenamed owes his recovery from his indisposition to the 
devotions ordered by the Pope, which have rendered the operation of 
the very severe remedies, resorted to for its cure, effectual. We rejoice 
to learn that his Holiness prays for his enemies with such success as 
that which is attested by the restoration of the King of Italy's 

Black and White. 

The King of Dahomey is expected at T St. Petersburg on a visit to 
the Emperor of Russia. After a short sojourn with Alexander the 
Second, his sable Majesty will proceed to VVilna, and stay some time 
with General Moukavieff in order to witness the butcheries^which 
are going on in Poland. 



[October 17, 1863. 



eidelberg, or the Bridge, 
the Town, and the Tower ! 
This is our next point. A 
lazy old place, sure enough, 
with all the H' Idle burghers 
loungingin their shopdoors, 
if there's nothing doing. 

Every one here seems to 
have suddenly, in printers' 
phrase, been set up in 
small caps, for caps of all 
sorts, sizes, and colours, 
ornament the heads of the 
University youths. They 
are very free with their 
swords, and the following 
University rules are found 
necessary :— 

1. Any Student refusing 
to give his name to the 
Proctor in the streets, may 
be immediately cut down 
by the bull-dogs. 

2. That in cramming for 
examinations the armed 
Students in statu pupillari 
shall run through several 

3. That every candidate at Matriculation shall be able to translate 
Arnold's Roman, Sword Exercises. 

You will he considered a great man among them if you appear as a 
Professor of the Noble Art of Self Defence, and give Lectures on the 
New Cut, Lambeth. 

Of course the first thing you'll want to go and see is the Castle. 
Well, you '11 have to go up a hill. This Castle was taken once by the 
Prench, and once by Mr. Turner, the celebrated artist. The Electors 
Palatine, who used to live here, were people of bon Tun, as may be seen 
if you visit the cellar, where stands the celebrated Tun, on the top of 
which the peasants, when they were very jolly, used to dance. This 
was when the vintage had been a good one, and.the happy rustics were 
living on the vat of the land. There is some trick connected with a 
fox's brush, that starts out of somewhere suddenly, and hits you 
anywhere when you pull a string, of which, we have some vague and 
unpleasant recollection ; if you don't want to know anything about it, 
don't pull any string, and you '11 be safe. 

Of course, while you are at Heidelberg you will stop at an Hotel. 
Now the mention of an hotel naturally leads us to the subject of pickles. 
You will be in a hurry to see the sights of the town, and desirous of 
making a rapid act of feeding. No more rapid act can be made than 
an attack upon cold beef and pickles. Tourist, beware in every place 
of pickles. Few and far between are the instances of jars of these 
luxuries being unadulterated. As a rule they are adulterated, and, 
specially in Germany, with, copper. Now copper in this ;form is first 
cousin to poison, and it is admitted on all hands that it is unpleasant to 
be poisoned anywhere, but specially in Germany, and more particularly 
in Heidelberg. Now then the question is, do you understand the 
science of Toxicology ? If you can't pronounce this word, use any 
other you like ; such names are but arbitrary ; but bear in mind that this 
science has nothing to do with bows and arrows. On arriving therefore 
at your inn, immediately inquire of the landlord if he is a 'lexicologist ; 
the word may be sung or said according to fancy, powers of vocalisation, 
or special opportunity. He may stammer out a reply, or he may not 
understand you : in either case, Tourist beware, and having ordered at 
once your cold collation, immediately attempt to detect the presence of 

Now the first way to detect the presence of copper, is to offer the 
lowest silver coin in your 'possession, and to ask for change for that 
amount. If they are unable to give it you, be on your guard, lest all 
the available copper may have been invested in pickles. If the sum in 
the metal is given you, remember that it may be but the residue of what 
has already been sunk in pickles. Cold steel will always attract copper ; 
and a celebrated Italian brigand, when in a genial and communicative 
mood, once informed us that he had been able to detect the presence of 
copper in a landlord's pocket, by introducing a small and exquisitely 
shaped dagger into the corporeal vicinity of that region. This is a 
method which we would hardly advise the ordinary Tourist to adopt, 
but as he loves his health and would avoid dyspepsia, let him study 
Toxicology or whatever he likes to call it, and give his earnest consider- 
ation to the subject of pickles. Experientia docet, and he who doesn't 

take warning by our experientia, will have to "dose it" pretty con 
siderably. Alter this 
we need hardly say 
that you '11 leave this 
romantic town as 
quickly as possible. 
found that we were 
treading upon this 
mine of copper, we, 
nearly exploding 
with indignation, 
took a light lunch- 
eon, and then went 
off with our present 
report. Away to Ba- 
den-Baden, merely 
observing that the 
railway by which 
you travel has all its 
seats (Mure ay says) 
" comfortably stu ffed 
full," and therefore 
it must be very dif- 
ficult to procure a 
place to yourself. 
Be careful to say 
to the railway clerk, 
when you take your 
billet for Baden-Baden. You know the reputation of this place for 
gambling, of course, and therefore you will not be surprised on entering 
the town at once to be asked by the Inspector of Police, "How 
much you'll stake on the black? or what are the odds against red 
turning up three times running ? " 

Whether you look bjack or turn red upon being thus addressed, the 
surrounding.natives will call at your hotel, leave their cards upon you, 
and subsequently give you their hands. Beware of such friendship. 
Baden-Baden is a very damp place, and one of the chief residents, the 
man who keeps the Bank at the Tables, suffers with the croup all the 
year round, and is therefore known as the Croupier. You will; see 
plenty of Rakes on and about this Board of green cloth. When "you 
have lost more than two florins goaway, take a pocket-pistol, and treat 
yourself to a "blow out" at the nearest restaurant's. Having 
finished all your gamb'ling in the town, you can leave the valley and 
gambol on the hills. There are some very pretty walks about the 
place and some nice runs, the best being a good run of Luck in the 

The excursionist, although personally objecting to the monastic 
system, should not refuse to take the vale of the Murg. Here you get 
a foretaste, or rather a one taste, of the coming Switzerland. Sing 
Tullaliety, Tulla li-he-ho, and prepare to be marching to the Margin of 
fair Zurich's waters, Tullaliety, da capo. By the way the first Merry 
Swiss Boy we ever saw, had taken a great deal more fruit than was 
good for him, and was bemoaning his sad fate at the hands of a pe- 
culiarly grim Swiss, or as she appeared in this instance, Swish matron. 
Here we have the Merry Swiss Boy according to the popular notion of 
that jovial character ; and also the Merry Swiss Boy when he 's not 
merry. Look on this picture and on that. 


Why is a very stout Bridesmaid like a first-rate bottle of Claret 1 
Because she 's all Body and Bouquet. 

October 17, 1863.] 




Scheme for opening Cre- 
morne during the winter is 
on foot. The attendants at 
the cloak rooms will let 
out great coats at so much 
an hour, and tailors will be 
at hand to let them out any 
further, or take them in, 
according to the size of the 
wearer. The band will play 
with their feet in hot water, 
and the supper boxes will be 
lighted with tallow candles, 
in order that those ladies 
and gentlemen who are 
afflicted with colds in their 
heads may have the favour- 
able opportunity of gently 
lubricating their unfortu- 
nate noses. The Zoological 
Gardens will lend their best 
specimens of Wipers. The 
refreshment-room managers 
have already applied at the 
Middlesex Sessions for a 
licence to sell Gruel. 

The Lord Mayor of 
London will soon retire 
from office. The inhabitants 
of Chamounix have offered 
him, we hear, the chief 
civil office in their village, 
and have engaged to stand 
him a bottle of Larose every Saturday night. The offer has been refused 
in consequence of a jealous feeling, which, we understand, exists 
between the English Mayor and the great Swiss Mayor ot Mont 
Blanc, known everywhere as the Mayor de Glace. 

Most of the good folks of England have had a " shake down for a 
night" in the shape of the earthquake. Some people appear to have been 
pitched into the middle of next week on the night, or rather the Heave 
of the Convulsion. 

The King of Greece has been taking the Air of England, and the 
Heir of England has been taking the King of Greece to all sorts of 
amusements. By the way, if his Hellenic Majesty should rule his 
people after the Louis Napoleon pattern, his style and title will be 
changed to " His L.N.-ic Majesty." 

The question of the Rules to be observed at Eootball has been laid at 
the feet of several Public School Professors of the Art. In consequence 
of this a new club, members of which belong to Eton, Harrow, West- 
minster, Winchester, and Rugby, respectively, has lately been formed, 
in order to arrange one General set of Rules for Football. They will 
play every Saturday afternoon. The name they have adopted is, " The 
Miserable Shinners." 

A Testimonial, we hear, is about to be presented by several scientific 
bodies to Mr. Cramplin or Crumplin, the great Astronomer, on 
account of his recent discoveries of Meteoric Fire-balloons in the air. 


My dear Mr. Punch, 

What nonsense they write about not giving fees to Railway 

Let me ask you a few questions. Never mind about answering 

Are yon a married man ? 

Do you ever take your wife on railway journeys ? 

Has she much luggage ? 

Do you tip the porters ? 

Do you know how much more quickly the tipper is sent off with all 
his boxes, than a non-tipper ? 

Do you like a woman to be pleased, or do you prefer her sulky ? 

I am not going to make any deductions, but if you are able to put 
this and that together, you will easily see what 1 mean, and will never 
lend yourself to the nonsense of urging a man— that is, a husband— to 
save a shilling at the expense of a scolding for having been half-an-hour 
collecting two or three (eleven) boxes. Bachelors may be virtuous, if 
they like. 1 seldom find that they do like. 

Yours truly, 
Brompton Square. Benedick Wiseman. 



i beg to assure you it is only lest you should fancy I am 
fluttered and embarrassed by the rustle of your foreign note paper, 
that I condescend to make any reply to your impertinent remarks upon 
the mode in which I think proper to conduct my branch establishment, 
known as the Maison de deuil. Whatever their sufferings may be, you 
have no right at all, Madam, to interfere between me and my appren- 
tices. I know you demur to that term, and call them slaves, but they 
are apprentices, and I am teaching them their business. I am teaching 
them to love me, while eating the bread of humbleness over their 

You say that correction inflicted with whips of Russian leather is 
an outrage on humanity. I presume, Madam, you have forgotten the 
peculiar relation which exists between those on whose behalf you inter- 
pose and myself. Their introduction to me was quite a business trans- 
action. The deed of assignment by which as turnovers they passed 
into my hands was properly executed and attested, and two other 
ladies were parties to the deed, one of whom I regret to add has lately 
turned her back upon me in a manner that etiquette will not permit me 
to describe. With respect to the partition by which as you assert my 
people's Constitution has been seriously affected, that subject has been 
ventilated quite enough already. 

No one then can deny that I have legal authority for confining my 
people to their sewing machines, and depriving them altogether of their 
liberty if they presume to use their tongues. I have told them re- 
peatedly that if they dared to go to the windows and look abroad, 
so as to excite the compassion of strangers, I would certainly put them 
in chains. If they murmured at their diet, I would have them severely 
chastised ; and if they sneered at my livery, I would set my dogs upon 
them. These acts of disobedience they have committed, and 1 have 
redeemed my promise. I am perfectly sensible of my responsibility. 
Wiiatever my dreams of conquest may in earlier days have been (when 
I had great expectations from the sick gentleman, who is one of Dr. 
Bull's out-patients), 1 have no desire now to win the affections of all 
mankind, nor do I profess that my sympathies like yours, Madam, at 
present extend from pole to pole. 

It is just possible, Madam, that you labour under the impression 
that I have no friends, and may therefore be interrogated with impunity. 
A recent incident will show, that this idea is entirely destitute of foun- 
dation. Some of my people whom I had occasion to punish for refusing 
to assist in putting the Royal Arms over my door, made their escape 
into the adjoining premises of an eccentric but tender-hearted manu- 
facturer of Prussian blue, who was standing on the wall of his house, 
and innocently engaged in kicking the bricks from under his feet. How 
my.'excellent neighbour acted, ought, Madam, if you have any capacity 
for blushing, to suffuse your countenance with crimson. Did he write 
me an expostulatory note ? Certainly not, but having sent the fugitives 
back with his best compliments, he offered in a most generous spirit, to 
lend me any quantity of hemp from his garden, though I believe he is 
cultivating it purely for his own use. 

I am now taking such steps as I think necessary for bringing these 
ill advised persons to a sense of their extreme wickedness, and when 
they have saturated the straw on which they sleep, with penitential 
tears, I shall be prepared to listen to their complaints, if they have 
any, and not till then. 

Iu conclusion, Madam, let me kindly warn you that any further 
remonstrances on your part maybe attended with unpleasant conse- j 
quences. I am quite willing to give you credit for your good intentions, 
and shall always think of you with profound respect, so long a3 you are 
polite enough— avoiding French fashions — not to walk into my shop. 
I have the honour, Madam, to remain, 

Yours very obediently, 

A. Brownrigg, 
Formerly of the Firm of Romanoff, Hapsburg and 
Brandenburg, Court Habit Makers, fyc. 

N.B. Family Mourning supplied. Please, notice the Sign — for- 
merly the Bear and Ragged Staff, now the Bear and Mutilated Pole. 

Horrid Vulpicide. 

Yoicks ! Tallyho ! Masters of Hounds ! Gentlemen of the Hunting 
Field ! Only think of the subjoined statement by the Correspondent of 
the Times at Paris : — 

" A Sportsman, writing from Vitry lo Francois, in the Marne, mentions an extra- 
ordinary and almost unprecedented fact. M. Gcitot, a retired butcher, assisted by 
a tradesman of Vitry, killed six full grown foxes in one earth." 

Will you not subscribe for a waxen image of this vulpicidal monster, 
to be placed in Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors ? Do. The money will 
be willingly taken at 85, Fleet Street. 




Youth. "What! no Smoking Carriage! Why what's a Fellah to do for Three Hours?" 


Dear Mr. Punch, 

The •well-known and justly celebrated intrepid aeronauts, 
Messrs. Glaisher and Coxwell, the other day landed at my place in 
the country. Fortunately we had a large and jovial dinner-party on 
that identical evening, at which I had the honour of entertaining these 
three gentlemen as my distinguished guests. About twelve o'clock, 
p.m., when we were just beginning to warm to our wine, Mr. Glaisher 
felt the urgent necessity of communicating to the world at large, 
through the medium of your widely-penetrating columns, the interest- 
ing discoveries that had been that day made. Jired with this idea, we 
pulled my Private Secretary from under the table, where I suppose he 
had been bashfully concealing himself, and having wrapped a cool 
towel round his head, (he was nearly strangled, owing to some 
uncertainty on the part of my friends as to the exact position of his fore- 
head), we fplaced pens and ink before' him, and he at once took down 
from Mr. Glaishee's dictation, the following Account of the Great 
Balloon Ascent, which I now forward to you, Sir, | as containing matter 
of interest and importance to the nation in general, and the scientific 
public in particular. . 

I remain, Sir, yours truly, 

Dubbel Magnum. 

the sitific count of messerglaisheraroxell.* 
The Ascent was made under'an arch in the gas woiks of the British 
Association. The only witness was sent to grass for corresponding 
with the Solstice, S.W. I went up with General Layer, who kept 
his eye far above the atmosphere. I played on instruments with 
cumuli clouds, which rested on heavy ordnance. 

The Balloon was 200005 feet above h.m. 59. 30000. 1 h. ground at 
2 p.m. The temperature of the air was 00000000000000000, &c, and 
Mr. Coxwell decreased to two and a half when lie varied and declined 

* This heading, it appears, was written somewhat later in the evening, and is, we 
imagine, the short-hand, or three-bottle-of-port hand, for "Scientific Account of 
Messrs. Glaisher and Coxwell." 

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn I 
Wbittfrisrs, I ny of London. Pri liters. »i t heir Office i 
City of London.— Satohdjt, Octoberl7. 1863. 

to snow. The Dew point on the Hydrometer above zero became 
saturated to 46 0; the weight of the water on Mr. Coxwell's cubic 
foot was affected by the Sun's ray. 

At 5 o'clock the increase was obtained by a division, and we caught a 
Blackened Bulb Thermometer reading with its rays and blacking the 
eye of the Sun. Three miles above the shade somebody was taking 
ozone powders ; but he was exposed three months ago, and has been 
a spectrum ever since. After this he extended from A to beyond H, 
and his violet ends became numerous. The necessity of playing on 
other instruments prevented me from firing guns at Mr. Coxwell. 

The view at this point was like huge swans harmoniously grouped. 
On the plain the trees moved with great rapidity, and after feeling 
Mr. Coxwell's bumps, we avoided a farm house and bouuded on the 
light earth. It was most painful on opening my packages to see 
the debris of Mr. Coxwell quite uninjured. As for ourselves we had 
several bruises about the size of the equinox. Professor Tindall, 
filled with two bags of air, was washing the blackened bulb. 

We descended at Temple Bar, six miles N. W. of — Blackburn, 
Esq , and our best thanks are due to the Balloon, who, in the kindest 
hospitality sent his carriage to meet us at the Station. , 

Justifiable Indignation. 

A Handsome London lady of our acquaintance, 'who is the most 
determined of sight-seers, flew into the prettiest anger when she hear! 
of the Earthquake. " If it had only been properly advertised," she 
said, " we would all have gone down to Hereford, by express train, to 
feel it. But it 's just like those provincials— they never can do anything 
right." A box for Manfred has done her a little good, but the Earth- 
quake is still a sore subject. 

best evidence op the antiquity op man. 

(Dedicated to Sir Charles Lyell.) 

The fact that he won't take another cigar, and 
Will go home in a close cab. 

October 24, 1863.] 




A Voice'prom the Neighbouring Cab-stand (excitedly). " Don't 'it 'i 
Sit on 'is ed!" 


A Leader in the Post contained the fol- 
lowing noteworthy remarks on a certain dif- 
ference between the reading of girls and boys : 

" Boys, on the other hand, take a sort of pride in 
abstaining from all manifestation of feeling. They 
will read the narrative of David's contest with 
Goliath with the same monotonous delivery as they 
would read a chapter of genealogies. The boy who 
attempted to read a lively or pathetic passage in 
a tone and manner befitting the subject would 
inevitably be laughed at by all the other lads ; and 
he prudently declines to excite and encounter 
such a storm of ridicule from his companions." 

Old Mk. Scroggs, at his breakfast-table, 
read the foregoing passage to his nephew 
Tom, home for a holiday, and asked him what 
he said to it. Tom at replied that he didn't 
know ; but on being offered sixpence to ex- 
press his thoughts, spoke as follows :— 

"Acbap hates showing off, and hates to 
see another chap show off. It 's all very well 
for a girl ; but for a boy— beastly. I 'in told 
I ought to read with feeling. I should just 
hate to. A chap might as well dance about 
in a crinoline. See how pretty, and clever, 
and soft I am!— that's as much as what a 
fellow says when he reads and tries to come 
it affecting. Groaning, and turning up his 
eyes to make other chaps cry, a bloke looks 
so spooney— yah ! Give us the kick." 

"Very true, very true, Tom; I perfectly agree 
with you," said the old gentleman, "and, Tom, 
here is half-a- crown for you instead of six- 
pence ; and I say, Tom, I wish that some of 
those reverend gentlemen who, as the news- 
papers say in their accounts of weddings, 
read the marriage service in an 'impressive 
manner,' would be guided in future by your 
judicious remarks on the subject of elocution. 
Ahem ! " 


We have a thorough regard "and respect for Dr. Norman Macleod, 
the Editor of Good Words, and we have watched, with considerable 
pleasure, his somewhat recent contest with and complete victory over 
the Presbyterian clergyman who.edits the Record, and who is so vehe- 
ment a supporter of the Church of England. The Record was so 
shocked at Dr. Macleod for presuming to teach that children might 
be. brought up kindly and cheerily, and permitted to be happy in this 
world, that the Exeter Hall journal assailed the Doctor in a way which, 
had it not been so excessively pious would have been excessively im- 
pertinent. So the stalwart and large-hearted Doctor rolled his assailant 
over and over, amid the applause of the truly religious and the groans 
of the fanatics. The Record has not had such a shaking for a long 
time, and we hope that the castigation he has been privileged to receive 
may be blessed to him. But as we are desirous to prevent its being 
supposed that Dr. Macleod is for indiscriminate and undeserved 
indulgence, we beg to submit a little bit from a capital paper in Good 
Words. It describes the early struggles of a Scottish country school- 
master. He toils away, cheered by a certain love-vision. The lady 
is false :— 

" She had not the pluck to stand by her master when the Laird of Blackmoss 
was pressing for her hand. And then the black curly hairs of the master turned to 
grey as the dream of his life vanished, and he awoke to the reality of a heart that 
can never love another, and to a school with its A B C and Syntax. But somehow 
the dream comes back in its tenderness as he strokes the hair of some fair girl in 
the class and looks into her eyes ; or it comes back in its bitterness, and a fire begins 
to burn at his heart, which very possibly passes off like a shock of electricitv along 
his right arm, and down the black tawse, finally discharging itself with a flash and 
a roar into some lazy mass of agricultural flesh who happens to have a vulgar look 
uke the Laird of Blackmoss, and an unprepared lesson ! " 

Mr. Punch has been for years letting his tawse into lazy masses of 
agricultural flesh, until he has effected a marvellous reform in the 
bucolic world. Many farmers are now known to express themselves 
with something like good sense upon the topics of the day, their mode 
of culture is much improved, they have ceased to execrate the late Sir 
Robert Peel, and Mr. Punch has very good hopes of their ultimate civi- 
lisation. So he sympathises with the master whose sensations are thus 
vigorously described— not, of course, that Mr. Punch was ever crossed in 
love, his chief trouble beiDg to repel, with befitting gentleness, the sedulous 
adoration of the softer constituents of the Census. But, referring to 
the above extract, he would just say that if he were a Scotch boy whose 
parents were looking out for a school for him, he should specially beg 

that they would inquire whether the master had been happy in his 
amatory arrangements. Eor it must be but a partial satisfaction, when 
one has been'exceedingly well wopped, to reflect that the last half-dozen 
were given, not to oneself, but to the lout who carried off Miss Mary— 
Venus te hop vulnere— it is not Wisdom but Love that is coming down 
upon you with that most objectionable leather. And, apropos of nothing, 
we hope that the Presbyterian Record liked the tawse as administered 
to it by Dr. Macleod. Prom the noise the Exeter Hall journal made, 
we fear we must infer that it did not. But we give the poor Record a 
splendid revenge— a good, spiteful, pious jeer at Dr. Macleod, for 
having been complimented by that wicked Punch. Go it, Philadelphion. 


We read in the Churchman's Family Magazine and Dissenter's House- 
hold Miscellany, that — 

*' In 1329 a grand tournament was held in Cheapside for the entertainment of the 
French ambassador and his suite. ... A wooden scaffolding was constructed 
for the accommodation of the Queen and her ladies, but in the midst of the sports 
it unhappily gave way, to the great alarm, but not the bodily injury, of its fair 
occupants. King Edward immediately ordered the carpenter to be hung, but on 
the intercession of good Queen Philippa, rescinded his cruel sentence." 

Cruel! Hm. Queen Philippa was'a 'very kind lady, and all that, 
but — as we said, Hm. If the carpenter had time to do the work pro- 
perly, and if no more tiekels were issued than the place was intended to 
hold, and if the unticketed public did not scramble up, and if the mob 
played no larks with the supports, we really do not feel that we can 
make any remark more to the point than our above observation ; namely, 
Hm— with a slight addition, videlicet, that we wish King Edward 
would come back, for the benefit of certain railway managers. There 
have been about a dozen needless accidents within the last fortnight, 
and a King who would hint, as distinctly as did Edward, that he 
insisted on the lives and limbs of his subjects being cared for, would be 
a most blessed Domestic Institution. We should suggest his leaving 
Queen Philifpa in the Elvsian Fields. 

Cruel Treatment of an Invalid. 

A Helpless Invalid, whose case required peculiarly gentle treatment 
at his atttendants' hands, was the other day at Brighton placed, by his 
doctor's orders, in a Bath chair, and, in this position, he was pulled 
about by two of his own servants. Barbarous ! 



[October 24, 1863. 


he Noble Earl of 
Leitrim, being an 
Irish Landlord, has 
of course been shot at : 
but though a man 
of some mark he had 
the fortune to be 
missed. It is the 
opinion of his Lord- 
ship that the Irish 
Government omitted 
duly to punish the 
author of the outrage 
which he experienced. 
To this impression on 
the mind of Loud 
Leitrim is ascribed 
the subjoined letter, 
which that nobleman 
wrote to one of his 
vassals, keeper of the 
Maam Hotel, in the 
Western Highlands 
of Ireland, through 
whichHer Majesty's 
Lord .Lieutenant, the 
Earl of Carlisle, 
happened to be jour- 
neying at the time 
on a tour of in- 
spection :— 

" Krao. I will be 
obliged to you to fill the 
hotel with my tenants 
forthwith. Let every 
room be occupied imme- 
diately, and continue to 
be occupied ; and when 
so occupied, you will 
refuse admittance to Lord Carlisle and his party. If there should be the slightest difficulty as to filling 
the hotel, or the occupation of the rooms, my desire is that you will fill each room with the workmen ; 
but you must not admit Lord Carlisle, and consequently the rooms should be occupied previous to his 
coming there, any orders you may have received notwithstanding. I rely on your observing my wishes to 
the letter. Yours faithfully, Leitrim." 

" P.S. I will pay for the tenants using the rooms." 

It is difficult to decide whether the foregoing mandate is more to be admired for dignity 
or for grammar. In the latter point it is adorned with two peculiar graces. The first of 

these, it may have been observed, is the future 
"will " in the place of " shall." It may he con- 
sidered as a special example of Irish-English 
grammar, being one of those distinctive beauties 
of Hibernian composition, by which it betrays 
itself everywhere iu Yankee newspapers. The 
other is an instance of English Grammar as 
modified in the Cockney dialect, and consists 
in the employment of an adjective adverbially, 
or as the noble grammarian himself might say, 
adverbial. On the whole, perhaps, the noble 
earl's epistle may be pronounced to be about 
equally grammatical and dignified. Lord 
Leitrim's grammar may be, to write it, nothing 
to nobody; but his dignity concerns his order. 
A testimonial in honour of the magnanimity 
displayed by the Earl of Leitrim in the expe- 
dient to which he resorted in order to spite the 
Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, should be imme- 
diately subscribed for by the Irish nobility. An 
ornamental peg'op, or an embellished paper kite, 
would be a suitable form for a tribute Co manly 
resentment. But the fittest shape for the present 
would be that of a coronet of conical form 
and moderately costly material, smartly laced, 
ribboned, and otherwise decorated, especially 
adorned with two auricular appendages, and 
surmounted with a tassel. This complimentary 
cap should be moreover embroidered with an 
inscription appropriating it to the head of the 
Earl of Leitrim, late Deputy Lieutenant and 
Magistrate of that same, and late also in the 
Commission of the Peace for Donegal and 
Gal way. 

The Government of Her Majesty has shown 
its appreciation of the courteous and loyal 
rebuke administered to it by this high-minded 
Peer, by relieving him of his executive duties. 
The testimonial which he has received at their 
hands is the Sack. 

Hint for the Cambridge Editors. 

The confessions which have been extorted from 
the doctors, make one think that when Shaks- 
peare wrote of "the Bourne from which no 
traveller returns," be meant Eastbourne. , 


i Mr. Punch hates to differ from anybody, as must have been observed 
; throughout his career. Specially, he hates to differ from his brethren 
of the Press. But in this matter of the play, which is not a play, called 
Manfred, he begs to state that having twice witnessed the same, he has 
arrived at opposite conclusions from those of his literary contemporaries. 
The revival is a great success — not what is called a first night success, 
with a house full of paper, box-keepers stamping and clapping in 
lobbies, and friends of the management pitching its own bouquets from 
private boxes ; but a real draw — the theatre crammed with Ones Who 
Pay, and the attention as marked as the applause. So far he and his 
contemporaries agree. But he is by no mean3 inclined to allow that 
the getting up of the piece is the attraction. It is got up very well, 
and there is one really line scene, and there is an excellent ghost, and 
a terrible corpse, and a dreadful grey spectre, and there is also plenty 
of music, which might be better, and better given. But there are two 
other "features" which, Mr. Fundi respectfully submits, have a good 
deal to do with the success. One is Lord Byron's poetry, and the 
other is Mr. Phelps's delivery thereof. Touching the first, Mr. Punch 
may observe that possibly the poem had better not have been written, 
and certainly it is not a play. Byron, being a man of the world, as 
well as a great poet, had the wit to see that the work was not adapted 
for public performance, though Shelley, who was not a man of the 
world as well as a great poet, was indignant that he could not get a 
tragedy, with a still more hideous mystery, performed by decent ladies 
and gentlemen. But, though Manfred is not a play, it is a magnificent 
poem, and poetry, iu spite of the seusationists, has yet a hold upon the 
public heart. In the next place, Mr. Phelps delivers the whole of 
the poetry in a masterly and powerful manner, acts admirably, when 
the poet allows him a chance, and by various tones and touches of 
artistic subtlety and finish presents an extraordinary portrait of an 
impossible and yet imposing character. It is a relief to hear the 
lofty utterances of a tragedian speaking poetry, after the various noises 
in which nonsense has been heard so long. The cheers given to Mr. 

Phelps were honourable to him and to those' who cheered so lustily. 
Mr. Punch therefore puts in his protest on behalf of author and actor, 
and is slightly amused at the scepticism which, perhaps not unnaturally, 
refuses to believe that audiences accustomed to vulgar sensations can 
relish anything better, and sets down their pleasure to the account of a 
spectacle. Having thus relieved his mind, he proceeds to add that 
Mu. Ryder was impressive as the brave old priest, who is no more 
afraid of the demon than is Manfred, but has better reason for his 
courage, and that if it were the custom, which it is not, for a critic to 
walk out of his box, come upon the stage before the audience, and kiss 
a young lady as a reward of merit, Mr. Punch would have performed, 
paternally, that ceremony, in the case of Miss Rose Le Clerq, who 
had about twelve words to say, and said them, especially the last, in a 
way which Mr. Punch— who never abuses the good gift of speech by 
exaggeration,— unhesitatingly describes as exquisite, i 


The British Archaeologists diversified their proceedings at Leeds 
with excursions, one of which was a visit to Earnley Hall. There, 
according to a contemporary — 

" Mr. F. H. Fawkes received his visitors with great courtesy, aud appeared to 
take much pleasure in showing them his fine collection of pictures." 

The above-quoted report goes on to mention, amongst the paintings 
of Mr. Eawkes, several " choice works by Guido." May we ask if 
they included a portrait of one of the proprietor's ancestors, executed 
by himself ? 

Good Girls. 

Some kind little Milliners have, put of their scant earnings, sub- 
scribed, we observe, in aid of the victims at Warsaw. This is indeed a 
pretty illustration of the Needle beiug true to the Pole. 

October 24, 1863. 




The reports of the meetings of Magistrates, for the purpose of 
deciding what Licences should be granted to places for public amuse- 
ment, are somewhat incomplete. Mr. Punch has therefore Die pleasure 
of supplying the omitted decisions, which he thinks will, if possible, 
inorease the admiration of the public at the wisdom, absence of caprice, 
and attention to fair play, which characterise the tribunal in question. 

At the adjourned Meeting of Magistrates on Wednesday last the 
following Licences for music and dancing were applied for :— 

The Pig and Whistle, Islington. 
The Magistrates said that Islington had been proverbially known as 
" Merry Islington " for years. It could therefore want no more places 
of amusement. Licence refused. 

The Hamlet the Dane, Stband. 

The Magistrates said that no additional music could be needed near 

St. Clement, Danes. The beautiful chimes in the Church tower left 

nothing to be desired, and if the inhabitants wanted melody, let them 

sit at their windows and listen to the Church. Licence refused. 

The Snouting Porpoise, Aldgate. 

The Magistrates said that a public-house of that name bad been 
much complained of by the people at Kensington. 

The Applicant submitted that his was a different house, many miles 
from Kensington. 

The Magistrates said tbat the moral was tbe same. Licence refused. 

1 The Calliope Rooms, Camden Town. 

The Magistrates said that the former lessee of this establishment bad 
died of the measles, and it was their duty to protect the public against 

The Applicant, son to tbe former owner, said that it was from gout, 
which was not exactly infectious. 

The Magistrates said that if it was gout, it must have been occasioned 
by his drinking too much, which showed that he was not a well- 
conducted man, and not likely to have brought up his son properly. 
Licence refused. 

The Dancing Pear, Billingsgate. 

The Magistrates said that the impertinence of taking suck a title, 
when the applicant did not know that he should get a dancing licence 
at all, was enough to disqualify him. 

A Magistrate. It's more than we can "Bear." (Shouts of lavghter 
from the police.) Licence refused. 

The Roc's Egg, Chelsea. 

The Magistrates said that the Applicant must be an idiot, and there- 
fore unfit to conduct a tavern. How could a rock lay eggs \ 

Mr. Ballantine, as amicus curia, would say that the pigeon called 
a Blue Rock might. 

The Magistrates said that they would not sanction a place for the 
cruel amusement of pigeon-shooting. Licence refused. 

The Gillie Calltjm, Holborn. 

The Magistrates said that they understood that this bouse was to 
take its name from a Highland dance between two drawn swords, and 
that it would probably be performed in the tavern. As this was a most 
dangerous amusement, it could not be tolerated. 

A Magistrate. Nothing should be drawn in a tavern except beer. 
(Shouts of laughter from the police.) Licence refused. 

The Traveller's Joy, Dalston. 
The Magistrates said that the Applicant evidently intended to evade 
the law against supplying any persons not travellers on Sundays. 
Licence refused. 

The Plowing Bowl, Brompton. 
The Magistrates said that they did not sit there to give a man a 
licence to annoy his neighbours with bowl-playing, which also led to 
gambling. Licence refused. 

The Winking Whelk, Hampstead. 

The Magistrates said that they had felt disposed to grant this licence, 

but had been informed that the Applicant stuttered. This would lead 

to incessant misunderstandings with customers, and what was called 

chaff, which led to quarrels. Licence refused. 

The Ram of Derby, Ch is wick. 
The Magistrates said that twenty-seven bad cases bad been proved 
against him, the Applicant, and there were fights in his house every 
night. Now as there were thirty public-houses in the street, his 
might be closed without inconvenience, and if they heard of many more 
murders in his tavern, they might not be so lenient another year. 
Licence granted. 

The Infuriated Pebiwinkle, Walworth. 

The Magistrates said that they could not see that music and dancing 

were wanted at Walworth. Ttie neighbourhood had proved that it was 

serious by erecting a large Chapel for Mr. Sturgeon, who was also 

sufficiently comic for all purposes required. Licence refused. 


" Mr. Washington Wilkes has lately been lecturing at the Whittington Club, on 
Mr. Punch and his treatment of the American question." 

Small names aren't made great by large handles, 

Nor is nonsense redeemed by a slashing tone, 
And your Wilkes can't be more than your Wilkes, 

Though pinned by the tail on to Washington. 
" Wilkes aud Liberty ! " once was a cry 

That through England could raise up a row ; 
But nor England, nor Punch cares a fig 

Por the liberties Wilkes may take now. 

Me. Washington Wilkes against Punch, 

To fire off his pop-gun is free. 
Like the Navvy, when thrashed by his wife, 

If she likes it, it doesn't hurt me. _ 
Mr. Punch, spite of bluster, will write, 

Mr. Punch, spite of Bunkum, will draw, 
Nor ask leave of the snobs and the cads 

With Wilkes their great.Shala-balaw. 

The shoe he will fit to the foot, 

Not caring whose toes it may pinch : 
Por the right he will still lift his voice, 

And against both King Mob aud Judge Lynch : 
Houest truth he prefers in the nude, 

To Bunkum arrayed in shot silks, 
And would rather be wrong with a Brougham, 

Than right with a Washington Wilkes ! 

'Tis an old and good rule that the gun 

To the game in proportion should be : 
We don't use twelve-pounders to wasps, 

Nor a broadside for crushing a flea. 
Though Wilkes would be never so vain 

A tap of our baton to win, 
Such use would the weapon profane — 

One disposes of Wilkes with a pin ! 


We always feel, and upon occasion avow, our sincere admiration for 
the sporting articles of the gentleman who signs himself Hotspub. 
" Not," as the old Scotchwoman said of Dr. Chalmers's preaching, 
" that we wad hae the presumption to understand him," but because 
he lias a cheery, cheeky way of writing, and moreover has enriched 
racing literature with some new and effective phrases. We do not 
know, of course, why he should say " I cannot stand one that sides 
with this jacket," when he may possibly intend to imply that he does 
not wish a certain mare to w i n . But we sympathise with him in his 
honest indignation with Umpire, of whom he has just observed :— 

" Umpire was my great card played out last year when I thought him certain to 
win, and when he ought to have won, had he not, like a wretched brute, shut up 
and refused to make an effort." 

We like his giving this beast a parting kick, and even when prophe- 
sying his possible success for the Cesarewitch, calling him "that 
rascal, Umpire." The horrible creature "shut up" again, whatever 
that means, and lost. But Hotspur made one remark on which we 
really must make another, and a condemnatory one. He said : — 

" Limoiina came with a tremendous rush a few days since in the turf market, 
and Newmarket people vow she cannot lose ; but I hope she will, because that noble 
owner to' whom she belongs has an infatuation for scratching whenever he has an 

The nobleman is Lord Stamford. Now, really, why a writer with 
the interests of the turf at heart should desire that an animal should 
lose, merely because his noble owner indulges in a habit which may be 
vulgar— we do not defend it as an amusement in the drawing-room — 
but which cannot be called vicious, we cannot see. Why should not 
Lord Stamford scratch himself if his Lordship likes. We are not 
likely to wish to abridge the right of the Press to censure a bloated 
aristocracy ; but, bloated or thin, a nobleman is not prohibited by 
Magna Charta from scratching. We hope that Hotspur will recon- 
sider this doctrine, or we shall next have him hoping that a horse may 
lose because his owner sneezes, or swears, or squints. Fair play, even to 
turf men. However, Hotspur's mind is at ease, as the British Lioness 
won, to the delight of Mb. Merry and the King op the Greeks. 



[October 24, 1863. 




" Formosum pastor Lincoln ardebat Alexim." 

President Abe Czar Alexander loved, 

" Mankind's Delight ; " nor were his hopes reproved, 

Both sovereign potentates, both Despots too, 

Each with a great rebellion to subdue. 

Alike prepared to sing and to reply 

The precious pair thus bragged alternately. 

Abe. Imperial son of Nicholas the Great, 
We air in the same fix, I calculate, 
You with your Poles, with Southern rebels I, 
"Who spurn my rule and my revenge defy. 

Alex. Vengeance is mine, old man ; see where it falls, 
Eehold yon hearths laid waste, and ruined walls, 
Yon gibbets, where the struggling patriot hangs, 
Whilst my brave myrmidons enjoy his pangs. 

Abe. I '11 show you a considerable some 
Of devastated hearth and ravaged home ; ™ 
Nor less about the gallows could I say, ' "'"' 
Were hanging not a game both sides would play. 

Alex. Wrath on revolted Poland's sons I wreak, 
And daughters too; beneath my knout they shriek. 
See how from blazing halls the maiden flies, 
And faithful Cossacks grasp the screaming prize. 

Abe. In Tennessee, I guess, we 've matched them scenes, 
And may compare with Warsaw New Orleans. 
The Vistula may bear a purplish hue ; 
As deep a stain has darkened the Yazoo. 

Alex. When my glad eye the telegram enjoys 
Of women whipped, and soldiers shooting boys, 
I praise De Berg to supplication deaf, 
And glorify severe Mouravieff. 

Abe. I, when with their deserts Secesh gals meet, 
(We, too, know how the saucy sex to treat), 
Rejoice in Butler, shame who made them feel;'; 
Extol the gallant Turchin and M'Neill. 

Alex. Let mercy grace a feebler monarch's crown, 
Zamot ski's house my cannon battered down. 
Captives, unhanged, I spare that they may dwell 
Tormented in Siberia's earthly hell. 

Abe. I've no Siberia of my own as yet, 
But send gainsayers to Fort Lafayette, 
And, what I reckon you'll approve of, Sire, 
Bade Gilmore upon Charleston huil Greek Fire. 

Alex. On might, with legions armed, I take my^stand. 
All Europe's outcry shall not stay my hand, > 
Nor from my clutch shall force the victim rend, 
Whilst I've one rouble or one life to spend. 1 

Abe. Bound to this child in bloody sympathies, 
Come to my arms, and let us be allies ! 
We'll squelch John Bull, and scuttle Britain's isle ; 
But let_us go and liquor up meanwhile. 


Heraldry is "not the nonsense which sciolists suppose it. For 
instance, this Lord Leitrim, who vulgarly excluded Loud Carlisle 
from an hole!, and has been very promptly excluded from the Commission 
of the Peace for his indecent behaviour to his Queen's representative, 
has mottoes which aptly illustrate his 'apparent nature. One is " Firtute 
non astutid" which means, " I am valiant but foolish." The other is 
" Patriii Virtutibus" which means, "My father had virtues," — and 
leaves the inference to the reader. His Lordship's respected crest is "a 
fawn's head, erased, proper," for which we suppose will be substituted 
a donkey's head erased, properly, from among the heads of the counties 
round Manor Hamilton, the only specimen of manners in his Lordship's 
possession, i 


v 5 

B ter" 

October 24, 1863. 




To Me. Punch. 

N Second thoughts, Sir, (which 
however are not always best) 
I decline to reveal at any 
length what took place in 
the cabin of the Mariani. 
Suffice it to state that there 
was a very sumptuous repast, 
and that upon every eligible 
seat, as also upon some seat s 
that were singularly ineli- 
gible, there was somebody of 
one sex or the other, and 
that there was much intellect 
among the males and much 
beauty among the females. 
My own tastes are simple and 
abstemious, and I contented 
myself as usual with a crust 
and a glass of water, but 
those who were not inclined 
to such hermit fare spoke in terms of warm praise of the cool Moselle, 
and in terms of high praise of the not too high grouse. 

We dedicated a glass to the health of his Excellency, Peesident 
Geffeaed, and some interesting information which his representative 
gave us, in an eloquent speech, almost induced me to insist on being sent 
on with the ship, that I might have the honour of being presented to a 
ruler who administers his government so admirably. The trifling cir- 
cumstance that the Mariani was going back to Glasgow for certain 
additions, prevented my adhering to my demand to be left on board, and 
my knowledge that you would look unfavourably upon any details not 
of a frivolous character prevents my giving you a description of Haiti, 
and an account of the reforms and improvements which the President 
has originated. I wish we had him as Viceroy of Ireland— not that my 
friend Caelisle does not do his work well, but we could easily Cnd 
another place for him where his elegant and floral speech-making would 
be amply appreciated. If you do not make things perfectly comfortable 
for me when I come back, I shall get my friend the Consul to accredit 
me to Peesident Geffeaed, and I shall go out, and represent to his 
Excellency that all Haiti requires to bepome a Paradise is a Haitian 
Punch, with myself as editor. 

It may gratify your vanity to know that your own health -was drunk 
with much enthusiasm, and I hope that I shall be forgiven for the 
eulogistic terms in which I referred to you in my reply. My speech 
was excessively neat, brilliant, and touching, but I need not say that, 
because, though I do most things well, perhaps my public addresses 
are my masterpieces. 

I do not think that we ran the Lights, out we asked for them, and the 
hospitable Consul supplied not lights only, but something to light, and 
while the younger part of the company danced upon deck, others re- 
galed themselves, in tranquil corners, with smoke and meditation. The 
scenery of Dunoon, Inellan, and the vicinity leaves nothing to be 
desired except a house there, and a couple of thousand a-year to enjoy 
one's repose without toiling and moiling, both hateful operations. 
There are some charming dwellings on the banks of the Clyde. I saw 
one at Inellan which just 'suited me, a white house in a great flower 
garden with a merry brook running down it. At one corner of the 
mansion is a turret window commanding a glorious mountain prospect, 
and I felt that sitting at that window would assist me in maturing 
many of the great thoughts which you will need for your winter supply. 
I was so pleased with this place that I rushed on shore and insisted on 
remaining in the house, and so hospitable are the manners of the 
inhabitants of those parts, or at least so hospitable were the manners of 
the owner of this dwelling, that instead of extruding me, as might have 
been expected, he took me prisoner, and detained me, under the strict 
surveillance of a bright-eyed household guard, of eight strong, and I 
got away, after several days, only on parole, which it is my intention 
to redeem at an early date. I had every reason to complain of my 
treatment here, because it made me dissatisfied with the treatment I 
received at sundry other places which shall not be nameless. 

Naturally I took it for granted that my luggage would not be left at 
Oban for me. (I need hardly say that Cockney tourists think they emit 
a clever thing in calling this place Holborn). But having had a large 
portrait of yourself, with an extra feot or so of nose, painted in flaming 
red and gold on all my boxes, that modest little mark attracted the 
notice of everybody, and it was scarcely possible for such blazing 
luggage to be neglected. So I found it at the Caledonian Hotel. I do 
not know whether you are as hopelessly ignorant as to Scotch geography 
as most people, or whether you are going to ask how I got from Inellan 
to Oban. I don't mind telling you that I went round by Glasgow and 
Paisley. Kay, I will be franker still, and state that in the course of 

my journey I went to a delightful party, and heard, charmingly sung by 
a young lady, a most energetic Confederate ballad, whereof this was the 
conclusion :— 

" She wakes ! She stirs ! She is not dumb, 
Hurrah ! She spurns the Northern seum ; 
She breathes, she burns ; she '11 come, she '11 come, 
Mary-Land, my Maryland ! " 

If this information throws any light upon my route, you are welcome 
to it, and if it don't, you may stretch your imagination, never of the 
liveliest, and see me at Me. Campbell's hotel above named, reveren- 
tially examining one of his curiosities, a chair which was constantly used by 
Charles the Third, King of England (do you think I dared call him the 
Y. P. in Scotland ?) and taking perhaps almost as much interest in the 
information that my host has built a fine new hotel at Oban, and that 
it will shortly be opened. I hope some means will be devised for making 
a clean path thereto, from the pier; for of all the black, soggy, muddy 
bits presented to the Balmoral boot, on its Scottish wanderings, that 
walk from the boat to the town is the most aggravating. As the literary 
police are now paying domiciliary visits to the hotels of the nation, I 
am happy to mention that Me. Campbell's charges were what, in the 
first line of his celebrated poem of Hohenlinden, he says the sun 

There are natural beauties, I believe, at Oban, but at present it is 
chiefly used as a place to get away from. You steam thence to Staffa 
and Iona, also to the point where you take coach for Glencoe. I visited 
these places, but as none of them invites either ill-tempered or amusing 
remark, I could say nothing about them that would be acceptable to you. 
I may just mention, however, that what the Highland woman sold us as 
goat's milk on our way to Glencoe may have been that, but I saw no 
goats and I saw several cows. Further, a coachman, who wore the 
curious inscription opisition round his hat, carried his opposition to the 
extent of making a statement opposed to truth, touching the fulness of 
the rival vehicle, and moreover got nothing thereby. I also tender my 
respectful thanks to a gentleman who was on the top of the coach, and 
who sympathised with me in my satisfaction that a heavy storm'enabled 
us to see Glencoe' s stern features to advantage ; but I am not thanking 
him for his sympathy, but for his patient endurance of my gymnastics, 
(which nearly sent him off the vehicle into the raging river, while I was 
frantically searching my nineteen pockets for my coach tickets. 
He even took up an elegant child with long hair and nursed that 
elegant child, in order to give me more room for my furious 
researches, and he receives his reward in being thus publicly told 
that his conduct on the ninth of September was duly appreciated by 
yours truly. 

Re-embarking, we proceeded to somewhere else, and ultimately got 
to Benjamin Nevis. Of this Beooks says (in his Gazetteer) that " it 
is a mountain in Scotland, near Port William, in the shire of Inverness. 
It is esteemed the highest in Britain, rising more than 4,300 feet above 
the level of the sea, its pointed summit capped with snow." I have 
nothing to add to Me. Beooks's observations, made in 1791, except 
that the mountain is still in the same place, and is, I believe, about the 
same height. I sat down before Benjamin, on an iron something con- 
nected with the canal, and I presume he saw by'the resolved expression 
of my face that it was no use playing off his usual tricks upon travellers, 
who come away complaining that they have never seen the top. After 
a little preparation, he took off all his night caps, and gave me several 
views of his pointed summit, snow and all. It seems ungrateful to add 
that I have been more struck with mountains that don't rise so high 
above the level of the sea, and perhaps B. N. knows what he is about 
in keeping up his misty mystification. Somebody told me I ought to 
have asked for the Jew off Ben Nevis, but I do not think that there are 
any Jews in Scotland, except the Aberdeen people, who are supposed to 
be the Lost Tribe. 

Owing to some real biliousness (unfeelingly jested at by yourself) I 
was not in the pleasantest temper at Bannavie— where the hotel under 
Ben Nevis is situate— but I was recalled to my native sweetness of 
disposition by the pleasure I experienced, while taking my penultimate 
weed, at hearing a great discussion outside the said hotel. Scotland is 
over-run with Tourists just now, and all the inns are crammed. Ours 
was crammed, and there is no other at Bannavie, and behold, up came 
an omnibus with sixteen more Tourists, male and the reverse, who had 
been steaming up from Glasgow since seven in the morning, and now 
arrived, tired, hungry, and savage, to be politely informed that there 
were no beds for them. Great swells were some of these arrivals, and 
also angry Paterfamiliases, and explosive matrons. We packed 'em all 
oil— I don't know where they went to, some to the hovels, some to Port 
William, I fancy ; but weren't they in a rage ? Serve 'em right— if they 
had arrived, as I did, at three instead of nine they would have secured 
beds, and laughed at later comers as I laughed at them. And so, with 
peace in my soul, and smiles on my lip, I slept soundly at the foot of 
the big .mountain. 

Yours, respectfully, 

Craig Phadric, Inverness , Epicuetjs Rottjndus. 

{another mountain). 



[October 24, 1863. 



ow here we are going into 
Switzerland as quick as 
possible if you please, as 
there's not much time to 
be lost, for the Vacation is 
just coming to a close, and 
some of us must be back to 
our griefs and briefs in the 
Classic Aula Pumpeii, 
otherwise known as Pump 
Court, Temple, or else- 

An air of repose charac- 
terises the face of Swit- 
zerland, and the observant 
traveller may gather that 
the country is rather in- 
clined to sleep, from the fact 
that he will continually 
see ranges of mountains 
rising and stretching away 
in the distance. 

The Tourist intends to 
ascend the steeps ? Does 
he indeed, then once for all 
we don't; albeit we may 
give some good advice; 
and first and foremost as 
the unaccustomed Traveller 
may possibly catch cold in the Alpine heights, he should be careful to 
provide himself with an Alpen-stock to wrap round his easily-affected 
throat. Beside this you should carry a Swiss pipe whereon to play as 
you walk lightly o'er the eternal snow, and a good collection of magic 
lantern slides to take you rapidly over the seas of ice. 

Talking of ice, you must not be disappointed at not finding much of 
the Wenhara Lake material up here. The Railway will of course make 
some difference in this respect after a time, and Mr. Gukter may be 
induced to speculate. A Lake or Tarn of Fresh Strawberry Water, by 
Sunset, would be a fine subject for Mr. Telbin's brusb, and, as every 
spoon of a Tourist is accompanied by a tourist's glass, we want but 
some pretty girls to hand wafers and sponge-cakes to us and the thing 
is done. 

In regard to dress, adopt a gentlemanly evening suit ; you will never 
require a change of boots ; as, after an hour's walk over the ice, they will 
of their own accord become slippers. A false nose, and burnt cork, 
wherewith to make moustachios, as usual. 

Diet.— For Breakfast ask for stewed zwanzigers and cotellettes a la 
pommade. There is no other meal during the day, but you can repeat this 
one as often as you feel disposed. During the repast the good-natured 
waiter will read to you, sing one of the songs, or dance one of the 
enlivening dances of his own native land. You must, unless you would 
be accused of rudeness, encore every one of his performances separately. 
Money. Swiss Batz — This coin is no longer a legal tender, in conse- 
auence of so many Swiss Batz having been given in exchange for the 
Euglish Kites, which had been flown by certain of our unprincipled 
compatriots in the neighbourhood. 

Conveyances. — Recollect t hat your driver, being a poor boor of a fellow, 
always requires some pour boire money, by way of a parting gift. The 
travelling lawyer will observe, that, in all countries, an intimate connec- 
tion exists between a conveyancer and his draughts. 

One of the first places to which you will be taken, will probably be 
Arth. So rare is the stranger's visit in this quarter, that even 
the most civil officer meeting the Tourist in the street, will start 
back with astonishment and ask, " What on Arth he 's doing 
there ? " Being a man of spirit, you will at once quit the place, and 
proceed to Basle. The distance of Basle from anywhere is just three 
Basle-ycorns and a half. At the hotel called the Three Kings, you 
will find the servants very attentive, so don't say anything before them 
that you do not wish them to hear. They are so attentive, that it will 
be well for the visitor to blew through the keyhole of his bed-room door 
every five minutes, to see if the waiter is listening outside ; then to 
search well the chest of drawers, rattle your umbrella up the chimney, 
and look in every corner for these attentive inn-dependents. Of 
course you do not want to follow the regular route, but intend to go 
backwards and forwards and round and round as suits your fancy. 
While on the subject it would be as well to state, that no steamer ever 
sailed round Switzerland in six hours. Berne is the quaintest of places. 
There was not much to be seen when we were there, but this fact was 
probably owing to our arriving at eleven o'clock on a very dark night. 
Go early and you'll be delighted. The clock is the most striking object 
in the town. As the Tourist cannot possibly be satisfied with anything 

until he has seen Zurich, let him hasten there at once, and put up at 
the hotel on the Lake. 

One of the curiosities of this spot is the garden attached to the hotel ; 
it is so much attached, that although for years it has been perpetually 
going down to the water, it has never yet been able to take the last 
steps necessary for the separation. A touching site this, touching the 
Lake ; and by the way, touching the Lake, words are wanting to convey 
to the absent Traveller any idea of its beauty. Let us see ; you know 
the Serpentine, or the ornamental water in the Green Park? Well- 
no it won't do, our powers of description fail us. 

Now is the time and place for a romantic adventure. There are a 
plenty of Zurich's fair daughters living on the borders of the Lake. 
This mode of existence is, however, not exclusively confined to these 
delightful creatures, but is also adopted by two or three landlords and 
lodging-house keepers, who also live on the boarders. By the way, 
here is a curious phenomena for our astronomers. Late at night the 
fair damsels come out to look at the moon on the water in a boat. All 
you 've got to do is to hide under a ripple, and gently rising from the 
stream, like a river- god decked with weeds, and a short pipe in your 
mouth, whence shall issue sounds most dulcet ; and the fair ones must 
be a most dull set indeed if they do not at once yield themselves cap- 
tive to your fascinations. 

In a~charitable spirit visit Schaff hausen, but do not make any severe 
observation on The Fall, remembering that we are all liable to err, and 
also recollecting that, if the landlady of the Falls Hotel provide luncheon, 
you will be liable to her. 
We did not think much of 
the food here, but this 
isn't the place to cut it up. 
Go back to Zurich, in 
the morning patronise the 
bath in the hotel garden. 
Plunge bravely in head- 
foremost, but you must be 
able to swim for there is a 
depth of at least four feet 
of water. 

Your next point will be 
the Righi, if you want to 
" do " the Righilar thing ; 
if you do not, you will 
cross the lake and try to 
get over the mountains to 
Interlachen. The moun- 
tains are not to be got 
over with soft words, 
persuasion being in this 
case less useful than force, 
with a good thick stick. 

Do you want to see 
one of the great beauties 
of mountain scenery with- 
out much trouble? You 
do ? Very well, then ; 
lose all your luggage, ready money, clothes, and circular notes, and 
you '11 thus commence by being brought to a very pretty pass. 

October 24, 1863.] 




Hail, Tartar keels, on New York tide ! 

Hail, Tartar feet, on New York grouud ! 
Run up the stripes and stars beside, 

The sable Eagle, clawed and crowned ! 
Hoist to the broad light of the sun, 

Sons of the free, and seed of slaves, 
The flag that waved o'er Washington, 

The flag that o'er Moubavieff waves ! 

While Poland groans, through all her fields, 

Daughters defiled and slaughtered sons, 
While Cossack pikes beat down the shields, 

Of breasts that naked brave the guns ; 
While brutal force and bestial lust 

High carnival in Warsaw hold, 
Till e'en the diplomatic dust 

Stirs upon treaty-parchments old. 

Think what sad Poland's thoughts must be, 

That westwards looked for light and aid, 
Seeing the right hands of the free, 

In the enslavers' lightly laid ! 
And think how Europe, fain to unweave 

Laborious, the web of wrong, 
Holds those who thus the heirs receive, 

To an inheritance of wrong ! 

Her flag, though rent, Columbia's pride, 

Eor Freedom's flag still dared to claim ; 
But now by the Black Eagle's side, 

It seems to droop its folds for shame. 
Its stripes full well may fraternise 

With Russia's knout t^at women scars, 
But while it waves o'er such allies, 

Blot, oh blot out, the indignant stars ! 


During King Geoege's brief stay in England, the following evident 
misprint was perpetually occurring in the current Court Circular. 
Here, for instance, is a paragraph extracted from the C. C. in the Times, 
dated October 8 :— 

" The Kino of the Greeks and the Prince of Wales, attended by Lieutenant 
Punch and Captain Grey, left Marlborough-house yesterday morning for Richmond 
Park, and went shooting with the Duke of Cambridge." 

Observe, Lieutenant Eunch ! Ha! Ha! Absurd error. The 
public, of course, have long ago made the necessary correction, by 
substituting for the initial " E," the ever sweet "P." Before leaving 
town, King Geobge Agamemnon received an address from the Statue 
of Achilles in Hyde Park, and promised to write to him from Greece. 

A Cockney Correspondent has written to caution us against catching 
cold when we visit the Adelphi Theatre. In consequence of the 
recent improvements and alterations which have been made in the 
Auditorium for the public benefit, all the stalls, says our Bow -bell 
adviser, are vel-vet with the tears shed at Miss Batemau's Leah. By 
the way apropos of the great subject of Steam Rams, Me. Buckstone 
is, we hear, thinking of reviving at the Haymarket the extravaganza 
of the Golden Fleece. 

The Desert Flower is blooming in Covent Garden, and the balmy airs 
which now float about the Opera House, are already beginning to 
breathe their fragrance over the loud and soft pedals of the drawing 
room piano. The Poetical and Romantic Librettists have playfully 
adopted the word Desert on the lucus a, non lucendo principle ; for, 
from the beginning of the Opera to the end, there 's nothing like a 
Desert to be seen. However, 'tis a pretty'name, and Miss Pyne plays 
the Elower, and Me. Mellon leads the Orchestra, and so with fruit 
and flowers what the juice more can be wanted ? 

Several new Clubs are coming into existence. There is to be one for 
Poor Actors. Me. Chables Kean will have the refusal of the 
Presidency of the Committee, and the first rule will be that ' This Club 
be confined to Sticks.' Talking of Clubs, anybody who wishes to taste 
a steak, that shall be ' first chop,' should get a member of the Gridiron 
to ask him to dinner. Waiters with Salamandrine fingers serve up the 
hissing plates hot and hot. There was once a talented authoress of the 
Ultra-High Church Persuasion, who, after visiting several foreign 
Coventual Establishments abroad, wrote, on her return home, a book 
called A Peep behind the Grilles. This would certainly be an admirable 
title for a new work, explaining the Kitchen Economy of The Gridiron. 
The idea of erecting a Statue in the Hall to M. Dtr Chailltj, as a mark 
of respect from the G'rillers of London, has not been entertained by the 


We are informed that the following was one of the Botanical questions 
set at the written examination for the M.D. degree at the Edinburgh 
University :— 

" British dichlamydeous plants with a regular gamopetalous epigynous corolla 
quaternary symmetry bicarpellary dispernal fruit and hard albumen. 
" Give the natural class, sub-class, section, order, and genus." 

Don't, please, laugh at the long words in which the above question is 
put. It could not be proposed in plain English without circum- 

But what necessity is there for asking a candidate for the degree of 
Doctor of Medicine any such question ? Suppose a patient labouring 
under some obscure disease. Would he, unless that were a disease of 
the brain, which had affected his intellect, choose a physician for ability 
to tell him the natural class, sub-class, section, order, and genus of 
British dichlamydeous plants with a regular gamopetalous epigjnous 
corolla quaternary symmetry bicarpellary dispernal fruit and hard 
albumen ? 

Would he not rather naturally and reasonably suspect that the profi- 
ciency in minute botany, necessary to enable a man to answer such a 
question at a moment's notice off-hand, indicated a mind especially 
devoted to other things than medical science and practice proper ? 

Can minute botany, not to speak of the knowledge of simples, set to 
a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound ? 
No. Minute botany hath no skill in surgery then ? No. Hath it any 
more skill in medicine ? Certainly none whatever. A detailed acquain- 
tance with the fashions for the month would have considerably more. 
A dichlamydeous lady, with her double wrapper, is an object whose 
investments, considered with regard to the season, may possibly have a 
bearing on her health ; and a regular gamopetalous epigynous corolla 
may, though as epigynous looking very smart, and, as gamopetalous, 
calculated to invite addresses, be an ornament unsuitable for a bonnet 
affording sufficient protection to the head. 

Surely, then, the brain stuffed with as'much botany as a question such|as 
the foregoing is calculated to exact is too likely to be a hortus siccus— & 
brain dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage, abounding in strange 
places so crammed with vegetable details, as to have small capacity for 
medical observation ; and particularly destitute of reflecting organs. 
The examining Doctors of the University of Edinburgh should perse- 
vere in the line of examination above instanced if they wish their 
brotherhood to consist of members whose memory is all their intellect, 
and if they particularly desire to exclude from it all thinking men. 


As when a quivering Summer day is drawing to a close, 

And the Sun is lighting up with flames cloud-mountains where he rose, 

And the air is hot and wandering, and silence holds her reign, 

When men do stop and gaze aloft,— and then hurry on again— 

And the trembling murmur whispered along the vaulted sky 

Is the signal for the clouds to ope their dread artillery— 

So now a storm is gathering with the darkness of the time, 

And its magnitude is all that will make it seem sublime ; 

It still is out of ear-shot, but we see its lightnings gleam, — 

It is coming — and the thunderings are nearer than they seem — 

Each nation gazes upwards and wraps her cloak around 

And shudders at the first large drops upon the peaceful ground j 

It is coming— o'er the heavens are gathering lurid clouds, 

And men and women toil and work at Thunderbolts and Shrouds. 


Lady Glamis, being asked to give evidence in a court of law, at 
St. Alban's, declares her readiness to tell all that she knows, but 
declines to take an oath, believing that it is breaking the third com- 
mandment to appeal to the Supreme Being in reference to a trifle. 
Legally, of course she is wrong, because the law ordains the oath. 
Theologically, she is wrong, because theology teaches that petitions 
should be addressed for small things as well as great. And she is 
wrong on the common sense question ; for the honesty or dishonesty of 
a person's character is not a trifle, and .that is what an action virtually 
establishes. On the other hand, such a scruple, defensible or not, is a 
fact, and it is also a fact that Lady Glamis was turned out of court 
and justice denied, as it would be in the case of many other excellent 
persons who cannot make up their minds to declare their belief in an 
Inferno. Perhaps, now that a Lady, whose name is in the Peerage, 
has been thus treated, the attention of the Legislature may be directed 
to the consideration whether a Conscience ought, necessarily, to be a 
convertible term for an Outlawry. 



Captain. " But what docs he want to be placed under Stoppages for ? " 

Sergeant. " Please, Sir, — says if he draws his Fourpcncc a Day, he 'II just Lavish it I ' 


BORN, MAT 21, 1772. 
DIED, OCTOBER 12, 1863. 

Another high head bowed unto the grave, 
That bore its weight of well nigh five-score years 

Lightly as weaker trees their honours wave, 
'iNeath fifty autumns' joys, griefs, hopes and fears. 

He lived out the Republic of the West, 
Whose cradle with his own stood side by side, 

On manhood's verge he stood, when France from rest 
Woke Earth's dead bones, and shook thrones far and wide. 

Long times of mighty wars he had lived through : 

He had watched wondrous growths of peaceful arts- 
All that most moulds our manners, through and through, 
Resting or moving, in our homes and marts, 

He had seen grow from thought on into seed, 
From seed to shoot, from shoot to forest-tree, 

And through that hundred years' great thought and deed, 
Ever in van ward of the fight was he. 

A keen, cold, clear, if not deep— seeing eye, 
An eye that looked on life as most men look 

On mathematic symbols, turned away 
By no unmastered passion from the book. 

A brain, in whose clear depth facts ordered lay, 
For the calm will to fetch and rank and use, 

A mood that with life's business blended play, 
Yet never play and business would confuse. 

Not his the restless and far-reaching mind 
That from its Pisgah's height sees promised lands, 

So keen to mark the present, it seemed blind 
To all that lay past reach of eyes and hands. 

A mind conservative of progress gained, 
Rather than onward urging; ranging still 

With those who stoutly the old ways maintained, 
And yield no foot of vantage by their will. 

But years had brought him wisdom and their calm : 
The clear head still was clear, the vigorous brain 

Still wrought as potently, but like a balm 
A gentleness blent with its sternest strain. 

And at the last he stood, remote, revered, 
Upon his pinnacle of heaped-up years, 

Of petty blots and party scandals cleared, 
Grave and sedate in council with his peers. 

No living mind took in so wide a range 
Of life, no eye more piercing in its scan 

Gauged, from its lonely height, the scenes of change. 
Through which his secular experience ran. 

How many links break with his closing life, 
And bid us count the few grey heads that stand 

Landmarks of that half-century of strife, 
Whose hard-won conquests have enriched our land. 

To Friends in America. 

" An American Court of Law has decided that green-backs are a legal tender. 

The rule here laid down in reference to Green-backs, Mr. Punch begs 
to extend to Canvass- Backs, but they must be actually and not only 
legally tender. They will be received over the counter at 85, Fleet 
Street, and a verbal receipt will be given in the following form: "All 

Theatrical Intelligence.— In consequence of his recent triumph 
on the Parisian stage, Mr. Charles Mathews is to receive the title 
of Master of the French-Roles. 

Printed br William Bradbnry, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in 1 

Whitefriara, Cltyof London. Printers, at tb'ir Olflce in Lombard Street, i 
o<LoDdoo.--S4rUBBiT, October 21, 1863. 

No. 85, Fleet Street, In I 

October 31, 1863/ 





A Meeting of the Common Council was held the other day at Guildhall for the dispatch of 
business. A full report of the peaceful nature of this highly respectable conclave has not yet 
been given. The following was the order of the day :— 

At 12.15. The Court in Guildhall was quite full. 

At 12 30. The Lord Mayor was about to take the chair, when a worthy alderman who 
had been in hiding behind the chair-back ever since ten o'clock on the same morning, suddenly 
drew away the cbair, and the Lord Mayor fell heavily to the ground. {Roars of laughter, 
during which the perpetrator of the jest bowed his acknowledgments and retired?) 
" '^' l z /»° BD Mayor on rising said, that he had to tender— (ironical cries of "too lender.'" 

pooh ! ) — he did not wish to be misunderstood (" Miss who ?" from a sheriff, who was immediately 
bonnetted)— what he said was— (A voice, supposed to belong to a Deputy, "Never mind what it 
was; what hit?" Cries of "Hooray!" " W 'ho 's afraid ' ?" and immense cheering)— -that, he had to 
tender his best thanks. (Screaming, whistling, snatches of popular songs for the space of ten 
minutes) He thanked them for the patience with which they had listened to him. ("Song! 
song!" " Hot Codlins.") 

The Loud Mayor said that he could not sing. (" Gammon !") 

Under-Sheriff Gammon rose quickly to 
inquire if any gentleman had called upon 
him for a song ? (" Sit down !" " Shut up !" 
" I say. Gammon, where 's the Spinach ?" 
Tells of laughter.) 

The Lord Mayor said that he should be 
happy to oblige them with "Hot Codlins," 
but unfortunately — (cries of "Throw him 
over ! " " Turn him out !" " Off, Off!") He 
should like to come at once to business. 
(" No, No ! " from everybody, and " Fes, 
Fes ! "from the others.) 

The Royal Entertainment. 

The Town Clerk read a resolution to 
himself. ("Speak up!" "Where's your 
voice ? ") He wouldn't speak up. He was 
a Briton, and Britons never— (Chorus, " Bree- 
tuns nevernever ne-verr shall be slaves!" 
Great excitement.) 

The Lord Mayor here interposed, and 
said, he wished the present subject would be 
taken up at once. 

A policeman here made a rush at the 
Town Clerk. Struggle ; during which 

The Lord Mayor said that he did not 
wish to interfere with a constable in the 
execution of his duty ; but he meant, that 
he did not want the subject taken up. 
(Here the Town Clerk was released.) He 
was going — (A Voice : "Then go!) He 
was going to say— ("Say it!")— that— 
(" What ? ")— when His Royal Highness the 
Prince of Wales (Cheers) honoured the 
Civic Ball with his illustrious presence, a 
distinguished Alderman had — 

Somebody in the Crowd. A glass too much. 

Lord Mayor (warmly). No, Sir. 

Somebody else. Two glasses. 

Lord Mayor (trying to appear as if he was 
looking at the last Speaker). Let me tell that 
person who— (Cries of " Get on, will you?" 
Ironical laughter, cheers, shrieks, whistling and 
singing for some minutes.) 

Several Members of the Corporation rose, 
and delivered some excellent speeches all at 
once, after which — 

Mr. Aldebman Dakin was understood 
to say that he wished to speak about the 
Organ nuisance in the City. He heard one 
at that moment outside— (Breathless silence.) 

The Chairman of the Royal Entertainment 
rose to suggest that they should have a 
dance. (" A Dance ! A Dance ! Hooray !") 
He hoped he might have the pleasure of the 
Lord Mayor's hand for the first waltz. 

A rush was here made to the door and an 
Organman brought in. The Members of the 
Corporation speedily selected their partners, 
and the festivities were kept up until a late 


If the story told be true, 
It is very wrong of you, 

Young Coquettes, 
Smoking, when Mamma's away, 
On the lawn or by the spray, 


'Tvvon't improve a ruddy mouth, 
Odour, breathing as the South, 

Heretofore : 
And the process which conceals— 
Chewing villanous pastilles — 

Is a bore. 

Ladies fair, with due respect, 
For one reason I object, 

Which is this : 
Sure young breath is sweet to me, 
And a maiden's lips should be 
Fit to kiss, a 



[October 31, 1863. 


To Mr. Punch. 
My dear Sir,* . „, , 

Embarking at Banuavie very early in the morning— diluculo 
surgere saluberrimum est, but it is also particularly disagreeable— I was 
upon the Ganal of the Caledonians, on my way to the Capital of the 
Highlands. This is the last voyage which, upon this occasion, I shall 
have the pleasure of describing. The vessel was commanded by 
Caftain Turner, who is a remarkable meteorologist, and has emitted 

; some wonderful weather prophecies. Having had, moreover, much 

1 opportunity of observing character, in his capacity of captain of boats 
chiefly used by tourists, he is well acquainted with the inmost nature of 
the aristocracy and their imitators. Being myself of an aristocratic 
turn of mind (as well as shape of body) it was refreshing to me to sit 
with him on the bridge and speak of our tilled friends. 

i Fort Augustus, which we passed, is not called so from having been 
built bv the Roman Emperor of that name, quite the reverse. The 
next object of interest is a thing called the Fall of Foyers, which latter 

I word is sounded like fires, and the announcement to Cockneys that they 
are going to see the affair, leads them to expect something of a 
pyrotechnic character. It is nothing of that sort. The steamboat is 
moored, you rush on shore, and are instantly arrested by several pike- 
men— 1 do not mean soldiers of a mediaeval date, but fellows at a gate, 
who demand Fourpence apiece from everybody landing in those parts. 
Being in Scotland, this naturally made me think I had come to Johnny 
Groat's house, but no such thing, and I have no idea of the reason ot 
this highway robbery, or why a very dirty card should have been forced 
upon me in proof that I had submitted. We were told to go up an 
ascending road, and then to climb a dreadfully steep hill, and that then 
we should see something. For my own part, I felt inclined to see 
everybody blowed first, but being over-persuaded, I saw everybody 
blowed afterwards, for that hill is a breather, I can tell you. How- 
ever, I rushed up like a mounting deer, and when at the top was told 
to run a little way down again. 1 did, and saw the sight. You have 
seen the cataracts of the Nile? It's not like them.' You have seen a 
cataract in a party's eye. It 's not like that. Foyers is a very fine 
waterfall, and worthy of much better verses than some which Mr. 
Burns addressed to it in his English style, which is vile. Still, the 
water! all at the Colosseum, Regent's Park, is a good one, and has this 
advantage, that you can sit in a chair and look at it as long as you like, 
whereas you walk a mile to Foyers, goaded by the sailors from the 
vessel, who are perpetually telling you to make haste, and you are 
allowed about three minutes and fourteen seconds to gaze upon the 
scene, when the sailors begin to goad you back again, frightening you 
with hints that the Captain will depart without, you.: Precious hot 
you come on board, with a recollection of a mass of foam falling into an 
abyss. That is not the way to see Foyers, and I hereby advise all 
tourists who are going to stop at Inverness, to drive over from thence, 
take their time at the noble sight, and do the pier-beggars out of their 

This day was marked by an incident which— I am not'now jesting- 
may be noted. There was to be a great banquet at Inverness, to com- 
memorate the opening of the new Highland Railway. The Chairman 
was an aged statesman, member for Coventry. We took him and 
some friends on board on our way. It was his last excursion. He 
presided at the banquet with dignity and tact. That day week he was 
at rest. All men to whom 1 spoke of him in the Highlands had a kind 
word to say of Edward Ellice. 

The stately towers of the Capital of the Highlands are seen on our 
right. A few minutes more, and we are moored. Friendly voices hail 
us, and also hail a vehicle. We are borne away. There is news for us. 
We are forthwith — even in that carriage, were it possible— to induct 
ourselves into the black trxwsx rs of refined life and the white cravat 
of graceful sociality, and to accompany our host to the Dinner of the 
Highland railwaymen. We rail. We have not come six hundred miles 
to dress for dinner. Our host is of a different opinion, and being a host 
in himself, conquers our single-handed resistance. We attend the 
dinner, and find ourselves among Highland Chieftains plaided and 
plumed in their "tartan array." (Why doesn't Horatio MacCulloch, 
noble artist and Highlandman, come to London and be our Tartan 
R. A. ? ) We hear wonders of the new line, which is to save folks the 
trouble of visiting the Lost Tribe at Aberdeen, and is to take them 
direct from Inverness to Perth, through wonderful scenery. We see a 
programme of toast3, to the number of 34, which of course involves 68 
speeches. There is also much music by the Volunteers — not, happily, 
by bag-pipers. We calculate, on the whole, that the proceedings will be 
over about four in the morning. Ha ! ha ! Dremacky. There is a 
deus ex machind literally, a driver on an engine, and he starts at 10. 

* We perfectly understand this advance towards civility as the writer approaches 
the end of his journey. He is a superior kind of young man, if not the genius he 
imagines himself. — Ed. ^ 

Numbers of the guests must go with him. Claymore! We slash 
out the toasts without mercy— without mercy on] men set down to 
speak and who have spoiled their dinner by thinking over their im- 
promptus. But there is one toast which shall be honoured, yea, with 
the Highland honours. Mr. Punch's health is proposed. It is well 
that this handsome hall is built strongly, or the Highland maidens 
should dance here no more. The shout goes up for Mr. Punch. 

I believe that I have mentioned to you, once or twice, that I am an 
admirable speaker, but upon this occasion I surpassed myself— I was in 
fact, as the Covent Garden play-bills say, " unsurpassingly successful." 
Your interests were gale in my hands. 1 believe that no person present 
heard a syllable of what I said. It was this : 

[It may have been, but as what our Correspondent has been pleased to send as his 
speech would occupy four columns, we prefer to leave it to immortality in the 
excellent newspaper of which he sends us a " cutting." We incline to think that 
he ?flos weak enough to say what he says he said, because he could not ha>'e invented 
and written it out after a Highland dinner, and it was published next morning. It 
is extremely egotistical, and not in the least entertaining.— Ed.} 

Among the guests was a gentleman who owns the mare who will 
certainly win the Cesarewitch. / know this for a fact, and I advise you 
to put your money on Lioness. His health was proposed, and he returned 
thanks with the soul of wit. I hope he recollects the hope expressed 
by the proposer touching a certain Saddling-Bell. I thought it rather 
strong in " Bible-loving Scotland," but to be sure, we were in the 
Highlands, which are England, or at all events where the best English 
spoken in Scotland is heard. 

We reached our house at an early hout\ and I was lulled to a gentle 
slumber by the sound of the river Ness. This comes out of Loch Ness, 
and in the latest, geographical work with which I am acquainted, namely 
" ffirogranfji) ^natomij'fi, by Pat. Gordon, M.A.F.R.S. Printed for 
Andr. Bell, at the Cross Keys and Bible in Cornhill, and R. Smith, 
under the Royal Exchange, 1711," I read that "towards the North-west 
part of Murray is the famous Lough-Ness which never freezeth, but 
retaineth its natural Heat, even in the extreamest Cold of Winter, and 
in many Places this Lake hath been sounded with a Line of 500 Fathom, 
but no Bottom can he found " (just as in the last rehearsal of the artisans' 
play in the Midsummer Mght's Dream), but I believe that recent experi- 
ments have been more successful, and that though no lead plummet would 
go so deep, a volume by a very particular friend of mine was fastened to 
the line, and descended to the bottom in no time. I will mention his 
name if he is not kind to my next work, but at present I have the 
highest esteem and respect for him. I only show him that I know this 
little anecdote. 

There were what are called Highland Games to be solemnised'in 
Inverness. I resolved to attend them, and, if I saw fit, to join in them. 
But I was informed by a Highland friend of mine, Laidle of Toddie, 
a laird much respected, that all competitors must appear in the kilt. 
As my own graceful proportions would look equally well in any 
costume, this presented no difficulty, and I marched off to Mr. Mac- 
dougall, the great Highland costumier, and after walking through a 
dazzling array of Gaelic glories, I said, mildly, 

" Can you make me a Highland dress F " 

" Certainly, in a few hours," said Mr. Macdougall; but somehow 
I fancied that he did not seem to think that 1 was displaying any vast 
amount of sense. 

" Then, please to make me one, very handsome," said I ; "and send 
it home to-night." And I was going out of the warehouse. 

" But, sir," said Mr. Macdougall, "do you belong to any clan, or 
what tartan will you have ? " t 

" Mr. Macdougall," said I, " it may be that I do belong to a clan, 
or am affiliated to one. It may be, that like Edward Waverley, 
I shall be known hereafter as the Friend of the Sons (and Daughters) 

of the clan . It may be that if war broke out between that clan 

and another, I would shout our war-cry, and, drawing my claymore, 
would walk into the hostile clan like one o'clock. But at present that 
is a secret, and I wear not the garb of any clan in particular. Please 
to make me up a costume out of the garbs of several clans, but be sure 
you put the brightest colours, as they suit my complexion." 

I am bound to say that though Mr. Macdougall firmly declined 
being party to this arrangement, which he said would be inartistic, he 
did so with the utmost courtesy. My opinion is, that he thought I was 
a little cracked. Many persons have thought that, but there is no 
foundation for the suspicion. 

" You see, Mr. Macdougall," says I, " I am a Plantagenet by 
descent, and one of my ancestors was hanged in the time of George 
the Second. Do those facts suggest anything to you in the way of 
costume ? " 

" The first does not," he said, " but the second may. A good many 
persons had the misfortune to be hanged about the time you mention, 
and for the same reason. 1 suppose your ancestor died for the Stuarts." 

" No, Sir, he died for a steward. The unfortuuate nobleman was 
most iniquitously destroyed for shooting a plebeian of the name of 
Johnson, for which reason I hate everybody of that name, from Ben 
downwards, and will not have a Johnson's Dictionary in my house." 

" Then, Sir," says Mr. Macdougall, " the case is clear. You can 
mark your sense of the conduct of the sovereign who executed your 

October 31, 1863.] 



respected relative. You can assume the costume of bis chief enemies. 
You can wear the Stuart tartan." 

" Hid," says I. "I should look well in it, no doubt; but then 
I have no hostility to the present House of Brunswick." 

" Why," says he, laughing ; " Her Majesty dresses Jier own princes 
in the Stuart tartan, /ought to know that." 

" Then that's settled," 1 replied. 

Ha ! You would indeed have been proud of your contributor, had 
you seen him splendidly arrayed in that gorgeous garb, and treading 
the heather of Inverness High. Street like a young mountaineer. He 
did not look then like 

Inverness Castle. Epicurus Rotundus. 


Everybody knows that the Art of Punch is strictly regulated by the 
higher sentiments. But even if it were not, Punch would venture at 
his peril to publish a cartoon such as the caricature described in the 
following extract from a letter in the Tablet frorn its correspondent at 
Rome : — 

" I think any one with a talent for profanity in any other country would he 
astounded at the inventive powers displayed by the Unionist press in the kingdom 
of Italy, and were I to point to one thing more than another calculated to spread 
contempt for Christianity, it is these publications. I have one just published before 
me. Garibaldi with a nimbus, flowing robes, and a tricolor flag and cross labelled 
' Roma o la morte ' in hand, rises from the tomb, which is represented as a broken- 
bombshell of Aspromonte, and the Minister Visconti Venosta, with Napoleon 
astride on his nose, and Francis-Joseph, dumb with terror, are struck down as the 
two soldiers keeping watch. It has Surrexit steu,idi'i,i Sen ,'turas under it, and is a 
patent and blasphemous parody of our Lord's Resurrection." 

Exactly so ; and if any publication professing to supply a want which 
Punch does not, were to appear with such an illustration as that above- 
described, it would almost immediately disappear | from circulation. 
There would be no need to'fine and imprison, still less to hang or burn 
the proprietors, artists, editor, and writers, of a paper so illustrated. 
Swimming, like pigs, against the stream, those unhappy buffoons would 
assuredly do for themselves, as pigs, under the like circumstances, are 
said to do. How is this where there is no Index Expurgalorius, no cen- 
sorship, and no condemnation of a profane parody but that pronounced 
by society ? The correspondent of the Tablet appeals to "our separated 
brethren," against the countenance given by them to the cause of Italian 
unity, supported, as he represents it to be, by blasphemous caricatures. 
On consideration he may discover himself to be mistaken in supposing 
that, if there is " one thing more than another calculated to spread con- 
tempt for Christianity, it is these publications." Where such things 
are popular, contempt for Christianity has been spread already ; and 
were Punch to point to one thing likely to have spread contempt for 
Christianity, it would be the association of Christianity with winking 
Madonnas and other cock-and-bull fables and superstitions. Were he to 
point to another thing at least equally likely to bring Christianity into 
contempt, it would be the complicity of those who profess to repre- 
sent Christianity with brigands and assassins. There is no other thing 
Mr. Punch can think of, more than these two things, calculated to 
spread that contempt for Christianity of which profane parodies are not 
the cause but the effect. 



Dead, is he ? Yes, and wasn't I glad when they carried away his 

corpus ? 
A great, black, oily, wallowing, walloppirjg, plunging, ponderous porpus. 
VV bat call had Mr. Frank Buckland, which I don't deny his kindness, 
lo take and shove into my basin a porpoise troubled with blindness? 
T think it was like his impudence, and praps a little beyond, 
lo poke a blundering brute like that in a gentlefish's private pond. 
Did he know as I am the King of Fish, and written down in histories 
As meat for his master, that is to say, for Victoria the Queen, his 

And, if right was done, I shouldn't be here, but be sent in a water- 
To swim about in a marble tank in the gardings of Windsor Castle : 
And them as forgets the laws of the land which is made to rule and 

And keeps a Royal Fish to themselves, may find themselves in a hole. 
Is a King like me, I umbly ask, to be put in a trumpery puddle, 
For Fellows to walk about and spy and talk zoological muddle, 
And .swells to come for a Sunday lounge, with French, Italians,, and 

Which would better become to stop at home and think of the morning 

And then of a Monday to be used in a more obnoxious manner, 
Stared at by tags and rags and bobtails as all come in for a Tanner? 
And me the King of Fish, indeed, which its treatiug China like delf, 
Mr. Kingfisher Buckland, Sir, I think you might be ashamed of 

■A-Jid then I can't be left alone, but you come and stick in a big 
Blind blustering snorting oily beast which is only an old Sea-Pig. 
1 m heartily glad he's dead, the pig -. I was pleased, to mv very marrow, 
lo see the keeper wheel him away in that dirty old garding barrow. 
And though it was not flattering, last Sunday as ever were, 
To hear the swells as had read the Times come rushing up for a stare, 
And crying Bother the Sturgeon, it's the Porpus I want to see, 
And going away in a state of huff because there was only Me, 
It was pleasant (and kings has right divine to feel a little malicious) 
1° Se i e em / ent to bellolcl Ws cops in tbe barrow behind the fish-house. 
So when Mr. Buckland next obtains a porpus as wants a surgeon, 
Perhaps he won't insert that pig beside of a Royal Sturgeon. 
I 've heard the Tench is a curing fish and effects a perfect cure 
Of other fish put into his pond, which he 's welcome to do, 1 'm sure, 
But don't bring sick porpuses up to me, I 'm kin to the old Sea-Devil, 
And though a king I'm not inclined to be touching fish for the evil. 
Besides, a porpus isn't a fish, but a highly deweloped man. 
Improved, of course, with a tail and fins, ou the famous Westicjes plan, 
The Phocwna Rondoletii, though his scent in this sultry weather 
Was not like rondoletia nor frangipanni neither, 
But that is neither here nor there, and as I previously said, 
From the bottom of both my heart and pond I 'm glad the Porpus is 

Royal Zoological Gardens. The Sturgeon. 

P.S. The Reverend Spurgeon gives it out he 's related to me, a 

He 's no such .thing, and much more like the Above Lamented, in 

If one may judge by the fottergraffs, which his congregation treasures, 
And where he shows himself enjoying no end of domestic pleasures. 


It was observed by those, who always keep a close eye upon royalty, 
that on each occasion the Prince of Wales has been to the Adelphi 
Theatre, he has been moved to tears by the charm of Miss Bateman's 
most excellent acting. On this being mentioned to Paul Bedford, 
he exclaimed, " Perfectly true to nature, my boy— what can you expect 
from Wales hut blubber." For giving way to this irreverent tom- 
foolery, Mr. Paul Bedford has since been compelled to study twenty 
pages of Joe Miller. We hope it will act as a.caution to him in future. 

A Drop of Comfort. 

There is just one consolation arising out of this new old New 
Zealand War. If we abolish the New Zealanders, we shall abolish that 
eternal fellow, of Lord Macaulay's creation, who, on an average, 
finishes three hundred and sixty-five leading articles every year. If 
there is no New Zealander, he can't well come and sit on the broken 
I arch and sketch the ruined cathedral. 



[October 31, 1863. 

& SklU VKldfc 6*j ', 



Among the customs of Custom House officers nobody would think to account the custom of 
joking. The subjoined extract from a newspaper paragraph suggests the question, whether 
amongst the douaniers of Belgium, there are not some who, if not very much brighter, are 
considerably duller than their brotherhood at large ?— 

"The Monster Balloon.— A telegram received yesterday afternoon from Paris states that Nadar passed over 
Erquelines, on the Belgian frontier, near the ground at midnight on Sunday. The customs officers called to him 
to declare if he had anything liable to duty, but Nadar kept on his aerial voyage towards Germany." 

Probably the invitation above described as addressed by Nadar to Customs officers pro- 
ceeded from other parties. It is just the greeting with which a passing aeronaut would be 
likely to be bailed, not by such officials on the look-out, but by humorous bystanders, in the spirit 
of the British Cabman. The officers of Customs at Erqueliues must be very good-natured fellows 
to have chaffed M. Nadati at their own expense— if t.hey are not fools enough to have challenged 
him in earnest. "When M. Nadar comes to publish a narrative of his aerial voyage, he will 

doubtless record, amongst his various observa- 
tions, the sight which he took at the wags, or 
the dolts, who hollaed to him to say if he 
had anything that was liable to duty on board 
of his balloon. 


Mr. Beecher, 

Yankee preacher, 
Is, just now, a London Feature, 

Sent, we 're thinking, 

By Abe Lincoln, 
To become Britannia's teacher. 

Execrations ; 

Ululations ; 
Yankee yelling ; Pat's orations ; 

Menace frantic, 

O'er the Atlantic 
Stir not this most bland of nations. 

Try new order, 

Use soft sawder, 
Praise Britannia, hymn her, laud her, 

Reverend brother, 

Call her Mother, 
Soothe her, pat her, and applaud her. 

From his master 

Comes the pastor, 
Casts aside the pepper-castor, 

And stands cooing, 

Suing, wooing, 
Blister, bless you— Poor Man's Plaister. 

Wheedle, Beecher, 

Gentle preacher, 
All your wiles won't over-reach her. 

Give instruction, 

In egg-suction, 
Granny knows all you can teach her. 


The photographic touters use persuasion 
now in addition to force, with the view of 
entrapping customers. They compliment 
the ladies, who imprudently pass their doors, 
on their good looks, and declare there never 
was a better occasion for having their por- 
traits taken. It was not long ago, one of 
those pushing blackguards seized hold of an 
elderly lady by the arm, and accosted her 
rapturously thus: — "Hallo, Ma'arm, how 
beautiful you are looking to-day ! on my 
word, as sure as I am looking at you, I never 
seed you look handsomer! Now's the time 
to have your portrait taken! Lose the 
chance, Ma'arm, and it may never occur 
again. Come along, my dear, and have your 
beauty immortalised for ever ! It 's only 
sixpence, Ma'arm. Come along! Angels 
like you isn't caught every day." So saying, 
the brute kept, pulling at the poor anti- 
quated "angel's" shawl, and would have 
succeeded in dragging her forcibly into his 
inveigling den, if a stray policeman had not 
accidentally made his appearance round the 
corner. Photographers are notorious for their 
dark deeds, but we think it is high time a 
stop was put to their "taking off" people in 
this vigorous style. 

Metallic News. 

" Birmingham has just manufactured for 
the Russian Government the most tremendous 
and colossal pair of Shears we ever con- 
structed." We presume that they are in- 
tended for the cutting up of Poland, but 
perhaps their edges will be turned by the 
Polish steel, especially if it should be 
sharpened on a French hone. 

October 31, 1863.] 




Dear Mr. Punch, 

Well, Sir, what 
next if you please ? 
We are coming to 
something, I should 
think. Don't tell 
me. No wonder we 
have Earthquakes. 
I did not see the 
paper till yesterday, 
tor of course my 
husband, who pre- 
tends to be so accu- 
rate in everything, 
forgot to tell them 
to send it down to 
Worthing, but I 
have just got home, 
and tired as 1 am 
(and as you would 
be if you had all 
the real trouble of 
the journey, pack- 
ing, minding the 
children, and all that 
left to you), I shall 
not go to bed until 
I have slightly ex- 
pressed my indigna- 
tion. In the Saturday Review, of course. In what other paper could 
it be except in that paper, which ought to be called Woman's Enemy. 

Read this, Mr. Punch. I shall cut it out for you, in spite of a 
certain person's black looks at my spoiling his File as he calls it. That 
File may bite against a Viper, if it likes j but it shan't bite me without 
being told of it. My husband says, of coupe, that I have put the 
proverb wrong, when does a wife do anything right ? But you will 
know what I mean. The article is called " The Companions of our 
Pleasures "—a nice sort of title that, too :— 

" A wife is in most cases a sure friend, because, among other 
breed a habit ; ' but she is not always wise, although a husband scarcely likes to 
catch himself despising her opinions or silently scouting her counsels. After all, it 
is only a small and lucky minority who find in their wives anything at all resembling 
the ideal of friendship. Of course, tenderness and love are very excellent things ; 
but many husbands would be delighted if the wives of their bosoms were rather 
more like old college friends than they are, and if their tenderness were solidified by 
rather more judgment." 

Now, Mr. Punch, is that the sort of writing to be endured by a wife 
sitting at her own table ? We are not wise. Of course not. You are 
the Solomons, everybody knows that, and you never go wrong. You 
never take houses that are out of repair; you never tie yourselves 
up with ridiculous leases ; you never pay taxes twice over; because 
you have not preserved receipts ; you never hire servants with forged 
characters; you never put your names to friends' bills and have 
to pay them with money that ought to go to your children; you 
never send boys to school because you were pleased with a sentimental 
advertisement, and find they are starved and flogged and taught 
nothing ; you never travel first class when second would be just as com- 
fortable and save a third of the money ; you never 0, of course you 

never do anything unwise, Solomons that you are. 

You want your wives to be like your old college friends ! Well, I 
am sure. Charles brings an old college friend home with him now 
and then, and I can only say that if I thought'he wished me to be like that, 
I would take the children to lodgings in Eloomsbury Square or some 
other poor neighbourhood, and little would we trouble my lord and 
master again. Wish me to tell ridiculous stories about proctors and 
dons, and introduce bits of Latin which 1 believe had better not be put 
into English ; wish me to sit up till three in the morning, smoking pipes 
anddrinking grog, and covering the new table-cloth with tobacco-ash, 
and making the curtains smell to that degree that I am ashamed to look 
at the servant when she comes in at breakfast ! Wish me to ask him 
to come out after dinner, and go to music saloons, and supper-houses, 
and j I don't know where, and come home with brightened eyes but 
drooping eye-lids, and not able to speak for laughing about some 
" chaff" with a policeman. Old college companions, indeed, brazen 
noses and brazen laces, I should like to see myself cultivating such 
manners to please the .best man that ever kicked slippers into a corner 
in the dark, and then used bad language because he could not find 'em 
where he thought he had put 'em. No, Mr. Punch, marriage has its 
duties as well as its rites. 

But that is not all, by any means : — 

" We know it is a scandalous heresy, and partakes of the nature of brutishness, or 
even sacrilege, thus to insinuate a base suspicion that supreme felicity sometimes 
ceases to bless the British hearth, or that the angel in the house is sometimes a bore." 

" A Bore." A man's own lawful wife is sometimes a Bore. As I 
said, no wonder we have Earthquakes. Fancy a bride, standing before 
the altar, all smile and tremor, and hearing a man swear to love and 
honour and cherish, and so on, and being told that the man there, who 
can hardly speak for his happiness and his pride, would tell here some 
day that she is a bore ! Hadn't you better have the service altered, 
and after " I will " say in the margin, " Here the husband shall add 
the words ' till she bores me.' " But let me go on, or I shall write till 
to-morrow : — 

"It will, at all events, be conceded that a man's wife is not the most desirable 
companion he could have at all times and under every circumstance. Nobody wants 
to have his wife with him in his chambers or at his counting-house. Yet a man is 
always thought a basely selfish wretch, at least by the female friends of his wife, if 
he entertains any thought of enjoying himself out of her society. She readily and 
properly leaves him to make money after his own fashion, but in the spending of it 
she would fain be supreme ; and, at any rate, that it should be spent without her 
companionship is utterly intolerable. In the main, and in favourable cases, a wife 
is a sufficiently agreeable companion of her lord's leisure hours, provided she has 
sense enough to throw the children's boots, and coughs, and teeth off her mind." 

There, Mr. Punch. And [we send missionaries to the Chinese and 
the Jews. Here is one of the intellectual papers of the day actually 
complaining that a wife wishes to share her husband's enjoyments, and 
that she talks to him about the nursery. I should just like to hear 
Charley show that he thought me & "bore" when I spoke to him 
about Jimmy's boots, and Angelina's cough, and Louisa's teeth. 
Little more he 'd hear from me on those subjects or any other. And 
what else does the reviewing gentleman want me to talk about. Steam- 
engines, or social sciences, or politics, or Dr. Colenso ? Nice conver- 
sation that between husband and wife with their toes on the fender, 
and I don't believe the man that wrote such things was ever married, 
or he 'd be ashamed of himself. Earning the money, indeed ! What 
did a man marry for, if he was going to think himself a martyr because 
he worked a little to maintain bis wife and children. Nobody asked 
him to marry, did they ? I know that if Charles had waited till I 
asked him, or anybody else either, I should be a single girl at this 
moment. " Sufficiently agreeable." Dear me. How condescending. 
Does anybody ask whether he is sufficiently agreeable to me, or whether 
he has sense enough to throw his clients, and his briefs, and his consul- 
tations off his mind, and tell me news, and about the new novels, and 
the theatres, and the Princess of Wales, and whether we are to wear 
our hair like whiskers, as the Follet says, and I shan't, whether it's the 
Empress's will or not. 

" In nine cases out of ten, it is a dire mistake to throw a husband and wife 
together for a month or six weeks, with nothing to do beyond trying to enjoy them- 
selves, and without abundance of other companionship. The most sensible plan, no 
doubt, where it is practicable, is that at least two pairs should unite to form one 
society for travelling purposes. . . . It is pleasanter to have three or five nice 
people to talk to over dinner than one, even though that one be your own wife." 

There ! I shall quote no more, because I am really very tired, and 
Mr. Charles, having had his cigar and other refreshments, is yawning 
in the most selfish manner. I simply ask you whether it is not un- 
bearable to be told that a man cannot live with one for a month, by the 
Sea-side, without being " bored," and wanting three other nice 
people" to talk to. Nice people , indeed. Nice literature that' puts 
such thiDgs into husbands' heads ! 1 suppose they will be going to 
this new Judge, Mr. Jimmy Wilde my husband calls him (is that his 
right name ?), and asking for divorces because we are not " sufficiently 
agreeable," and because we complain of the shoe-bill, and are uneasy 
about a child's lower teeth. Upon my word, but if these are the good 
times that were coming, give me the bad ones, when a wife meant what 
Mr. Wordsworth said so beautifully, and what I believe most of us'are,- 

Having thus said a few words in the way of protest against such 
wickedness, tired as I am, I will only say that I hope you will insert it, 
and I am, dear Mr. Punch, 

Yours sincerely, 

South Kensington. A Bore. 

P.S. I shall have something to say about " Frisky Matrons " one of 
these days, but I suspect that on that occasion I shall not be talking to 
a male Saturday Reviewer. 

True Heroism. 

One of Mr. Punch's surgical friends is partial to phlebotomy. Mr. 
Punch submitted, one day, to the quackish operation, for the sake of 
making a joke. Said the doctor, This is the true remedy, after all." 
Said Mr. Punch to Mrs. Punch, " Why is that quack like the Flower 
of Love ? Because he Lies, Bleeding." 


A. Here taste some of these American bitters— they '11 give you an 
appetite as sharp as a saw. 
£. Exactly the thing, since I've my board found me. 



[October 31, 1863. 



hebe are we now? Just 
about to start from Zurich 
to Interlacben. The Tourist 
can, if sufficiently strong, 
take the Rigi on the road. 
He mustn't take it very far, 
or it will be missed ; as it 
happens, the top part of this 
Mount has been mist more 
than once, but has never j 
been entirely lost. 

You intend to make the 
ascent from the Goldau 
side. Now, the question is, j 
how do you get there ? Take 
the first turning to the right 
on leaving Zurich, the 
second to the left, and then 
any one will tell you ; if they 
won't, implore the sulky 
peasant to reply, and offer 
him a sou ; or you will sou 
in vain. 

Guides.— Always take a 
guide with you. One who 
knows.the way is to be pre- 
__ ferred. 

The best guides, who move in the very!highest society, know all the 
principal mountains to speak to, and invariably obtain very civil answers 
from the most distant echoes. They also address themselves to their 
journey in a manner that makes the journey answer. They are 
very straightforward and honest on the road ; at all events, 'whatever 
wroi.g they do, during the excursion, is Aept secret, as the steeps and 
heights never seem to tell upon them. 
If you go without a guide choose the safest path. 
Amusements in the Mountains. — If you want money, and can draw, 
now is your time to turn the art to account : thus, make friends with a 
Foreign Banker, take him up into a lonely spot, then, when nobody's 
looking, take out your snicker-snee, and draw upon him for any 

Never be unprovided with pencils, brushes, and paints ; if you can 
execute light rapid sketches, you can do what our travelling artist did, 
and turn your tour into a carica-tour. 

Maps.— Never travel in Switzerland without a Map; never mind 
what map, any one you 've got by you will do. Don't forget a Knap- 
sack to serve, as the name implies, for a sac de nuit to sleep in. 

Carry a flask made on the principle of Houdin's inexhaustible bottle. 
How 's it done ? Mustn't tell ; it would be Robbin' Hood-in the 
Conjuror of his secret. Come along, will yer ! 

Away ! Tourist ! Away ! 

Hire a mule that will leap lightly up the perpendiculars: if you 
don t fancy a mule, you'll find lots of 
crev-asses all about the mountain. 

Light your pipe and show the donkey 
boys how to go up a mountain. A pipe 
is the most independent companion that 
a traveller can have; it goes out with 
him, and it goes out without him. If 
you're a great smoker it becomes a 
nuisance when you're riding, as though 
you want to keep on the mule's back 
yet must you be perpetually a-lighting! 
Gee up ! 

Now for some sport. A shrill cry 
Irorn a neighbouring bush apprises you 
of the approach of the Wild Straw- 
°frry. Strike spurs into your mule. 
Over ! Oh the pleasures of the chace ! 
If you allow the Wild Strawberry to 
run to seed, you will lose it. Stole 
away! For'ard ! Yoicks ! As when 
hunting in Devonshire, you will have to 
get oft your horse and proceed on foot. 
In rushing at your jumps, grasp your 
alpen stock, 'twill save you from the, at 
present, very flushing proceeding of 

. S? °? . your Pole - Here y° u are afc 

t/J e Needelpin Crag, an ascent of some 

little difficulty ; yet while you, the bold hunter, are shivering on the 

apex, the Wild Strawberry has sprung up on the opposite side of the 



The following is an extract from a paragraph in a contemporary 
touching the representation of Oxford : — 

" The last rumour is that M. C. Neate, who was returned for Oxford In 1857, but 
was unseated for bribery and corruption, will he brought forward by the extra 
Liberal party, in which case Me. Fletcher, of the Beform Club, who meant to 
contest the seat on the same principles, has pledged himself to withdraw." 

Are we to suppose that a member of the Reform Club meant to 
contest the representation of Oxford on the principles of bribery and 
corruption ? 

A Short Lesson in English. 

(Given gratis at the Strand Theatre.) 

" Dites-moi done, qu'est-ce que veut dire, ' burlesque ?' " 
" It is, Monsieur, what you may call literally, ' a play upon words.' " 
[We wonder if the Mossoo was any the wiser. 


Inquiring Englishman. But I thought Geneeal Bbagg was a 
Yankee ? 
Indignant Southerner. Oh ! by no means— only nominally. 

October 31, 1863.] 




Pugilism is sinking lower than ever. Aristocratic Backers only 
employing their patronage by backing out of all fistic encounters. 
Even Bell threatens to give up its Ring, and the Professors of sell- 
defence will not find much vitality remaining in their body when The 
Life has once left their noble art. Without money the fighting men 
will soon find their occupation gone. It is of little use to be rough 
unless you have plenty of ready. 

Who are the Feenians or Finnians? The former would in England 
be a law term for lawyers in general, while the Finnians or Finny 'uns 
would serve to distinguish as fishy ones the black sheep ot the pro- 
fession in particular. 

King George Agamemnon proposes to change the name of the 
Ionian Islands into the I. O. U.nion Islands. All His Majesty's orders 
are signed by George, but there is no truth in the report that the 
Prime Minister's name is By Jingo. 

The prison system is to be greatly improved. The' following defi- 
nitions and rules have been sent in to the Home Secretary by eminent 
prison-discipline authorities. The definition of — 

Solitary Confinement is, not more than three in a room. 

Silent System.— All may not talk at once. 

Hard Labour.— A walk round the grounds from twelve to four. 

Stringent Rules.— Convicts are requested not to pluck the flowers. 

Prison Diet.— Venison is not allowed more than six times during the 
season. N. B. Whenever the Governor or any of the prison officials be 
presented with game, he shall share it with the first-class convicts. 

Regulation as to Dinner.— Nobody shall askjjor more than three 
helpings of turtle *oup. 

Instruction— Cigars and liqueurs shall be provided for the convicts 
during their conversations with the Chaplain. The Chaplain shall in no 
case refer to their past lives, lest it might wound their susceptibilities. 

The mention of prisons reminds us that an evil-doer has been rescued 
from the error of his way by seeing the Ticket of Leave Man at the 
Olympic. The good effected has not stopped here : during the long 
run of this capital piece several dramatic authors have visited the 
house, and have subsequently written to Mr. Emden informing him 
that they will never again take anything from the French. 

Unable to get away from hard labour and treadmills, even though 
we have plunged into theatrical matters, we may say that while the 
fortunate convict is gettiug on well at the Olympic, the successful 
Ixion is still likely to be kept on for a good long time at his wheel in 
the New Royalty.! 

The theatrical worldisfullof great successes. QueenLeah reigns supreme 
at the Adelphi, and Miriam, as a gentleman with a " cold in his 'ed " 
informed us, is equal to a myriad in the auditorium (if it would hold 
'em) of the Strand. Then there 's a conjuror who makes money and 
time pass in a wonderfully quick way at the Princess's. The St. 
James's Theatre is to let. But everybody seems to think that it does 
very well as it is, and that' therefore they 'd better act upon the moral 
suggested by the piece played at this house last season {Lady Audley's 
Secret), and let well alone. 

Mr. Balfe's new Opera now in' rehearsal at Covent Garden is not 
founded on Martin Tupfer's Proverbial Philosophy. 

Mr. Charles Matbews should have re-appeared in London in a 
new Piece, entitled the Judgment of Paris, but his habitual modesty 
prevented him from so doing. However, Mrs. Mathews and her 
husband are coming out very shortly in a Comedy, by a well-known 
hand, we mustn't say whose, which has a capital title, we mustn't say 
what, and we can't add any more, but we mustn't say why. 

Here 's a nice little bit of penny-a-lining :— 

" His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales and his Royal relatives have com- 
menced the shooting season immediately on their arrival at the Prince's shooting- 
bos, their Royal Highnesses the Prince of Wales, the Prince Christian, and 
Prince Frederick, with several gentlemen of their respective suites, having begun 
to use the deadly tube this morning with telling effects. The weather has been 
charmingly fine, and strongly in contrast to that of yesterday. Their Royal High- 
nesses found plenty of game, and entered into the sport with real enjoyment. Their 
Royal Highnesses shot over the estate nearest the Hall." 

The deadly tube ! Our great guns, according to this report, couldn't 
shoot with any commonplace weapons. Telling effects ! Good joke 
this; play on the name "Tell," who was a remarkably good shot in 
his way. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Capital. See how yesterday is mildly rebuked 
for its weather. Their Royal Highnesses found the game. Very kind 
of their Royal Highnesses, specially as it was for the benefit of the 
Correspondent. Real enjoyment ! Delightful scene, peculiarly English ! 
Was the writer present P behind a tree getting out of the way of the 
telling effects. 

We suspect that our penny wise friend was up a "hollow beech tree" 
in the neighbourhood, and it required some extra fine writing before 
he could " come down," and defray the score at the Woodpecker's 
Tap in the Woods, where " the smoke so gracefully curl'd" from his 
briar-root pipe, and obfuscated him. 


It 's down wid the Orange and up wid the Green, 

From across the Atlantic, to Erin's fair shore, 
Since that banner waved proudly in Ryan's boreen, " 

'Gainst the Saxon it never has come to the fore : 
When bould Smith O'Brien, in the cabbage formed line, 

Saxon hirelings the flag of the Feenian fleered at : 
But let us once put in ould Ireland a fut, 

And we '11 ate up John Bull, wid the cabbage he jeered at. 

Up, Feenian Brotherhood— up like one man, 

And pay down your money, nor ask a receipt : 
Sons of Great Fin Mac Cool, be as cool as yon can, 

Wid revenge on the Saxon your timpers to heat : 
Wid the States at our back, and the clargy at home, 

Sure our flag will soon wave upon Liffey's fair quay, 
And as moighty St. Pathrick druv snakes o'er the foam, ; 

So the base bloody Saxon we '11 drive over say ! 

Then the Feenian Brotherhood all in their moight, 

On the ould hill of Tara a council will hold, 
Wid green robes on their backs, a most iligant soight, 

And all wearin 5 Malachi's collars o' gold: 
And we '11 bring back the fine ould Milesian toimes, 

And the seven wise masthers i